Original subtitles

♪ I CAN'T WAIT TO TALK TO PAULA TODAY ♪

♪ I HAD THE DREAM ABOUT THE OATMEAL AGAIN ♪

♪ PAULA DIDN'T COME HOME LAST NIGHT ♪

♪ I HOPE THAT SHE'S OK ♪

AU REVOIR, PROFESSOR.

TU ES MAGNIFIQUE, CHéRIE.

UH-HUH. HUH, HUH, HUH...

♪ I WAS WORRIED PAULA WAS OUT GETTING LAID ♪

♪ BUT SHE GOT A JOB WORKING AS A NIGHT MAID ♪

GOOD MORNING, JOHNNY.

PAULA, I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF YOU WORKING ALL NIGHT.

IF YOU NEED MONEY,

I COULD ASK PEOPLE ON THE STREET FOR CHANGE.

THAT'S SWEET OF YOU, JOHNNY, BUT I WASN'T WORKING.

MY SEXY AND SOPHISTICATED FRENCH POETRY PROFESSOR

MADE ME STAY AFTER CLASS FOR ABOUT 12 HOURS.

[PAULA SIGHS]

WE DISCUSSED MY TRANSFORMATION

FROM A GIRL TO A WOMAN.

I HAD A DREAM IT WAS RAINING OATMEAL.

PROFESSOR DUBOIS' DREAMS ARE SO MUCH MORE COMPLEX THAN THAT.

HE DREAMS OF CAVIAR AND OYSTERS.

WOW! THAT IS SOPHISTICATED.

WELL, HE IS A PROFESSOR.

ALL MY PROFESSORS ARE AMAZING.

IT'S JUST SO NICE TO BE AROUND SOMEONE I RESPECT FOR A CHANGE.

HAVE A GOOD DAY OF BEGGING, JOHNNY.

RESPECT, HUH?

I DON'T GET NO RESPECT.

WHAT A THRILL.

THERE'S MY ANGEL OF THE MORNING.

MAMA...IS IT WET IN HERE, OR IS IT JUST ME?

GOD...YOU'RE STRONG, MAMA.

I'M GETTIN' TOO OLD FOR THIS CRAP!

I HAVE A GOOD MIND TO LET YOU GET A RASH,

YOU...INCONTINENT RUMMY!

MAMA...I'M ITCHY.

YOU'RE ALWAYS ITCHY.

YOU WERE AN ITCHY BABY, YOU'RE AN ITCHY DRUNK,

AND THIS IS NOT A MOTHER'S JOB.

THIS IS A WIFE'S JOB!

OUCH!

YOU NEED A GODDAMN WIFE!

YOU CAN MOVE IN WITH HER...

PISS ALL OVER HER FUCKIN' HOUSE.

I FEEL LIKE A BIG BOY NOW.

AND YOUR NEW WIFE CAN TAKE CARE OF YOU AND JOHNNY.

I'LL HAVE THE WHOLE HOUSE TO MYSELF.

FINALLY! FINALLY, TO GET OUT OF THAT LOUSY BASEMENT!

YOU KNOW THERE'S SPORES DOWN THERE?

HELL, NO. I GOT A CHICK COMIN' OVER IN 15 MINUTES.

IF I LET YOU LIGHT UP NOW,

IT'LL BE GONE BY THE TIME SHE GETS HERE.

[GROWLING]

[CHUCKLES]

SORRY, BUDDY. I CAN'T DO IT.

I DON'T WANT YOUR HIGH ASS BLOWIN' UP MY SCENE.

[GROWLING]

OHH! AHH! [GIGGLES]

SHIT! BEAUTIFUL! OH! SHIT! BEAUTIFUL! OH!

ANGUS!

[WHIMPERS]

ANGUS, THAT WAS A $50,000 TV.

THAT CAN BE REPLACED...

BUT MY FIRST BONG-- OLD ETHEL--NEVER.

SON, THIS WAS

MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER'S BONG,

WHO PASSED IT ON TO YOUR GRANDFATHER,

WHO GAVE IT TO ME.

AND NOW I GIVE IT TO YOU.

HER NAME IS... ETHEL.

YOU'VE DESTROYED MY MOST PRECIOUS KEEPSAKE.

[GROWLING]

NOW NO ONE CAN GET HIGH...

YOU SELFISH BONG-BREAKIN' FERRET.

[GROWLING]

DON'T BRING A SHARD OF GLASS

TO A KNIFE FIGHT, MY FRIEND.

[GROWLING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

YOU'RE SO LUCKY.

HEE HEE HEE HEE HAH HAH HAH!

HEY.

HEY.

SORRY, ANGUS.

[MUTTERING]

THANKS SO MUCH FOR MEETING WITH ME, MR. STANKY.

JOHNNY, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD

TO THIS CHERRY PIE ALL DAY,

AND I'D LIKE TO ENJOY IT IN PEACE.

THAT'S A NICE-LOOKING PIE.

ANYWAY, I WANT TO BE A T.A.

FOR YOUR BIOLOGY CLASS.

HOLD ON. THE PIE'S SAYING SOMETHING.

WHAT'S THAT?

I ALREADY HAVE A T.A.?

THAT'S FOR POINTING THAT OUT, PIE.

SORRY, JOHNNY. THE PIE HAS SPOKEN.

TELL THE PIE THAT 2 T.A.s ARE BETTER THAN ONE.

THE PIE SAYS IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD FOR ME

TO HAVE FAILING STUDENTS AS TEACHING ASSISTANTS.

AND NOW BACK TO THE PIE.

[CRYING] OHH...OHH...OHH...

PLEASE STOP THAT.

[CRYING]

PLEASE? JUST FOR ONE CLASS?

ALL RIGHT. ME AND THE PIE

ARE GOING ON VACATION ANYWAY, SO WHO CARES?

OHHH...OH, MR. STANKY, YOU WON'T REGRET THIS!

HA HA HA! I PROMISE!

THE CARIBBEAN?

[USING ALTERNATE PRONUNCIATION] OR THE CARIBBEAN?

MM-HMM! AH!

HERE WE ARE.

"LOVEGEYSER.COM.

SPRAYIN' LOVE EVERYWHERE."

PERFECT!

"NAME."

DOUGLAS JENKINS.

UH, "PROFILE."

PATHETIC WINO SEEKS SUGAR MAMA TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING.

YEAH, I BETTER MASSAGE THAT A LITTLE.

AH. DELICIOUS PIECE OF ARM CANDY

LOOKIN' FOR A GENEROUS ARM TO HANG ONTO.

YOU BUY ME DINNER,

I'LL BE YOUR FUZZY LITTLE BEAR.

HAH HAH HAH! I LIKE IT.

YOU GIVE ME A HOME, AND I'LL NEVER LEAVE IT!

HA HA HA! HOLY SHIT!

WHOO! THAT WAS FAST!

THERE MUST BE A LOT OF LONELY,

DESPERATE MONEYBAGS SITTIN' AROUND.

ALL RIGHT! [CHUCKLES]

"I'M LOOKIN' FOR THE OBJECT OF MY DESIRES,

AND MONEY IS NO OBJECT." HA HA HA HA!

A BINGO! YEAH!

♪ I'M GONNA BE A T.A. ♪

PAULA!

HEY, JOHNNY.

GUESS WHAT.

I'M TEACHING A CLASS TOMORROW...

JUST LIKE ONE OF YOUR AMAZING PROFESSORS!

OH. WHAT CLASS?

IT'S BIOLOGY.

DO YOU WANNA COME WATCH ME TEACH TOMORROW?

SURE. BIOLOGY?

OOH, THAT'S A REALLY TOUGH SUBJECT.

IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT,

YOU'D LOOK SO STUPID.

SO STUPID.

I'M PROUD OF YOU, JOHNNY.

[UNEASILY] THANKS, PAULA.

WELL... I'LL SEE YOU...

[CHEERFULLY] IN THE MORNING!

Betsy: SO... WHAT'S THE THREAD COUNT

ON THIS COMFORTER, ANYWAY?

Clay: JESUS. IF WE'RE GONNA GET THAT PERSONAL,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO RELAX.

[CHOKING AND SPUTTERING]

Clay: DON'T FUCKIN' SCRATCH MY DOORS, YOU DICK.

THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE GETTIN' HIGH IN HERE

WITHOUT YOU OR MY FAVORITE BONG.

[CHITTERING]

[GROWLING]

[ALARM RINGING]

THAT SON OF A BITCH.

ANGUS!

[CHITTERING]

URRRHHH...

YEAH!

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING, ANGUS?

YOU MUST THINK I'M AN IDIOT.

NICE TRY, THOUGH.

LOOK AT YOU! OHHH...

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE A SON LIKE THIS?!

MAMA, I'M GOIN' DOWN THE DRAIN.

MORE LIKE THE TOILET, YOU DRUNKEN TURD!

NOW, LOOK...I FOUND A WOMAN ON THE INTERNET FOR YOU,

AND YOU'RE HAVIN' LUNCH WITH HER.

AND...IT'S YOUR JOB TO WOO THE PANTS OFF OF HER

SO I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS SHIT NO MORE! GET IT?!

WHERE IS MY HEAD

IN RELATION TO MY LEGS RIGHT NOW, MAMA?

UP YOUR ASS!

NOW, GET YOUR BEAUTY SLEEP, DOUGIE.

YOU HIT THE AUCTION BLOCK TOMORROW AT NOON.

[DRUNKENLY] WHEE! I'M IN SPACE!

AAH!

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SPOONING?

NOT AFTER I CUM. OR BEFORE.

I HATE THAT I HAVE TO LEAVE SO SOON AFTER WE MAKE LOVE.

IT DOESN'T GIVE US ANY TIME

FOR DISCUSSING OUR FEELINGS.

YEAH, THAT'S ONE OF THE BIG DRAWBACKS.

IF ONLY WE COULD SPEND THE WHOLE DAY TOGETHER.

BUT YOU CAN'T BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO FLY,

AND IT SHOWS.

[PAGER BEEPS]

[GASPS] GREAT NEWS,CLAY.

MY FLIGHT WAS DELAYED.

WE CAN STAY JUST LIKE THIS FOR HOURS.

GREAT.

I LOVE WRAPPING MY STRONG ARMS AROUND YOUR WAIFISH FRAME.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

I LIKE IT JUST FINE.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

MMM. BABY SPOON.

SPEAK.

CLAY, I'M LATE FOR CLASS!

I NEED TO GET TO SCHOOL FERRARI FAST.

COOL. BE RIGHT THERE, JOHNNY.

SORRY, BABE, GOTTA GO. MY FRIEND JUST CALLED.

HE SAID MY FERRET'S SICK.

EW!

THANKS, CLAY.

UNH!

GIMME THAT JACKET! THAT'S YOUR FATHER'S!

I JUST THOUGHT I COULD BORROW IT.

HE NEVER WEARS IT.

YEAH? WELL, HE'S WEARING IT TODAY.

MAMA, YOU DIDN'T PUT OUT MY CLOTHES TODAY.

I LAID OUT YOUR PANTS, DIDN'T I?

NOW GO BACK INSIDE. YOU'RE--YOU'RE A SPECTACLE.

NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR GRANDMA THROW YOU TO SCHOOL.

YOU'LL GET THERE A LOT QUICKER.

HI, JOHNNY.

HI!

SEE YOU INSIDE.

NICE. WHO IS SHE?

THAT'S CLAUDIA.

SHE'S THE OTHER TEACHING ASSISTANT.

WELL, I MAY JUST HAVE TO AUDIT THIS CLASS OF YOURS.

I'M TOUCHED.

I COULD USE THE MORAL SUPPORT RIGHT NOW.

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS WITH PAULA COMING.

I WANT TO IMPRESS HER.

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

YOU GO AHEAD, JOHNNY.

I'LL BE THERE IN A SEC.

OK. SEE YOU.

I DON'T CARE HOW HOT SHE IS.

I'M NOT SITTING THROUGH THAT CLASS WITHOUT GETTIN' HIGH.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]

SORRY, BRO, YOU BROKE OLD ETHEL.

THERE'S NO WAY I'M LETTING YOU TOUCH CATHERINE.

[GROWLING]

HOW MANY TIMES DO I GOTTA TELL YOU?

NO HORSEPLAY IN THE FERRARI.

HI, PAULA.

HI, PROFESSOR JENKINS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I GOT ATTACKED BY... MY FRONT LAWN.

[CLEARS THROAT]

GOOD MORNING, CLASS.

HEY, JOHNNY.

MR. STANKY IS ON VACATION,

SO I WILL BE TEACHING THE CLASS TODAY.

[ALL BOOING]

Student: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TEACH US?

Second student: AREN'T YOU FAILING?

COME ON.

WAY TO GO.

[SEXY MUSIC PLAYING]

I JUST HAD TO POWDER MY NOSE. HAVE WE STARTED YET?

NOT YET.

OH, GOOD.

GOOD MORNING, CLASS.

OH, YEAH, BABY, RIGHT ON. RIGHT ON.

GOOD MORNING, CLAUDIA.

HEY, HEAT MISER!

GET YOUR HAIR OUT OF THE WAY SO I CAN SEE THE BLACKBOARD.

[GROWLING]

HOW'S YOUR VIEW NOW?

MAMA, I'M NERVOUS.

I'VE BEEN OUT OF THE DATING SCENE FOR A WHILE NOW.

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE A DRINK.

NO! LISTEN UP!

YOU'RE STAYING SOBER FOR THIS ONE.

SEE, THE SECRET TO DATING...

IS HIDING WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

[CACKLING]

[CAR PULLS UP]

OH, MY GOD! SHE'S HERE!

WHAT A COW.

YEAH, A CASH COW!

AND YOU BETTER MAKE THIS WORK!

NOW, WHEN I SAY GENE,

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT BUTTON FLY OR ACID WASHED.

I'M TALKING ABOUT GENE...ETICS.

GENETICS! RIGHT?

I GOT A BIOLOGY QUESTION FOR YOU, CLAUDIA.

WAS IT YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER WHO CARRIED THE HOTTIE GENE?

WAS IT YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER WHO CARRIED THE JERK OFF GENE?

Students: OOH!

♪ SHE THINKS YOU'RE A JERK OFF ♪

VIC, DON'T BE A SHOW BOAT.

CLAY'S NEW TO THE CLASS,

AND HE'S JUST TRYING TO FIT IN.

THANKS, TEACH, BUT I DON'T THINK I NEED PROTECTION

FROM A GUY WHO GOT BEAT UP

BY HIS GRANDMOTHER THIS MORNING.

[CLASS LAUGHS]

SHE JUST STRIPPED ME OF--

WHY DID YOUR GRANDMA STRIP YOU?

HE ASKED HER TO. HE'S HARD UP.

YOU'RE TERRIBLE, CLAY ZEEMAN!

BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS,

YOUR TEACHER, JOHNNY JENKINS,

COULDN'T GET LAID IN A HEN HOUSE.

QUIT IT.

THAT'S WHAT JOHNNY'S MOM SAID RIGHT BEFORE SHE LEFT.

YOU'RE A HOOT.

WANT TO SEE MY FERRARI?

SURE.

CLASS, LET'S TAKE A 10-MINUTE BREAK.

All: AWW!

JUST 10 MINUTES, RIGHT?

ARE YOU OK, JOHNNY?

THAT CLAY IS A MONSTER.

OH, HE'S NOT SO BAD.

IT WAS NICE OF HIM TO COME TO CLASS AND SUPPORT ME.

WHEN HE GETS BACK,

I'M GONNA KICK HIM IN THE GONADS.

HEY, JOHNNY, MAYBE SHE COULD BEAT UP

YOUR GRANDMA FOR YOU AFTERWARDS, TOO, HUH?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT, PAULA.

I'LL HANDLE IT MYSELF.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO BACK TO YOUR SCHOOL

AND SEE THAT SEXY FRENCH PROFESSOR

YOU LIKE SO MUCH.

OK, JOHNNY.

COME ON, DOUGIE! WOO HER! WOO HER!

DO YOU LIKE SANDWICHES?

HMM. I GUESS YOU DO.

SO, WHERE DO YOU GET A DRESS THAT BIG?

I BEG YOUR PARDON!

HEY, YOU LOVE BIRDS, HOW ABOUT A BLOODY MARY?

ALL RIGHT!

THIS ONE GOES OUT TO LEONA VESPER...

♪ THE MINUTE YOU ROLLED THROUGH THE DOOR ♪

♪ BUM BUM ♪

♪ I COULD TELL YOU WERE A REAL RICH LADY ♪

A REAL RICH LADY!

♪ HEY RICH LADY ♪

♪ HEY RICH LADY ♪

♪ HEY RICH LADY ♪

♪ SPEND A LITTLE MONEY ON ME ♪

[CRASH]

Leona: DEAR?

DEAR, CAN WE GET ANOTHER PITCHER OF THOSE, PLEASE?

Clay's voice: NOW NO ONE CAN GET HIGH,

YOU SELFISH BONG-BREAKIN' FERRET.

CLAUDIA SHOULD BE BACK BY NOW.

LET'S FACE IT. SHE'S GONE.

SHE'S NOT COMING BACK.

OUR LIVES ARE RUINED!

CALM DOWN, EVERYONE.

LET'S JUST GET BACK TO THE LESSON.

FUCK THE LESSON!

HOW CAN WE GET HER BACK HERE?

JOHNNY'S HIS FRIEND.

LET'S HOLD HIM HOSTAGE AS RANSOM FOR CLAUDIA.

NO! JOHNNY'S ONE OF US!

COME ON, GUYS, STOP KIDDING AROUND.

NO! THAT'S A HORRIBLE IDEA!

AHH!

JOHNNY, HELP.

AAH! COME ON!

LET'S CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND NOW.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

HOLD, PLEASE. SPEAK.

BRING THE GIRL BACK

OR WE'RE GONNA TORTURE YOUR FRIEND JOHNNY.

WHO IS THIS?

IT'S ME, VIC.

WHO IS THIS?

IT'S ME, VIC.

I DON'T KNOW ANY VIC.

YOU MUST HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER.

[RING]

SPEAK.

IT'S VIC FROM BIOLOGY CLASS.

REMEMBER YOU SCARED ME WITH THE FERRET?

HMM...

I'LL E-MAIL YOU A PICTURE.

NOW I REMEMBER.

YOU'RE THAT DORKY ASSWIPE

FROM THE CLASS TODAY, RIGHT?

YEAH! ANYWAY, IF YOU DON'T BRING CLAUDIA BACK,

WE'RE GONNA TORTURE YOUR FRIEND JOHNNY REAL BAD.

JOHNNY'S BEEN TORTURED BY SICKER PEOPLE THAN YOU.

HAVE YOU MET HIS FAMILY?

NO. ARE THEY NICE?

JOHNNY CAN TAKE WHATEVER YOU DISH OUT.

[EXHALING]

AHA!

[SNIFFING]

[GURGLING]

NOT SO FAST, MY LITTLE FURRY FRIEND.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE WAGER BEFORE WE LIGHT UP?

LET'S SEE WHO CAN SMOKE THE MOST WEED.

IF YOU OUT-SMOKE ME, YOU GET THIS KICK-ASS HOOKA

AND IT'S NEVER-ENDING SUPPLY OF WACKY TOBACKY.

AND IF I OUT-SMOKE YOU, I GET YOUR SOUL.

OK. READY?

HOSES UP. GO.

[BOTH INHALING]

[COUGHING]

OH, MAN, THAT'S IT.

I CAN'T SMOKE ANYMORE.

I SHOULD HAVE STUCK TO THE FIDDLE.

[COUGHING]

TA DA!

THAT'S RIGHT, ANGUS, YOU'RE THE WINNER.

AND HERE'S YOUR HOOKA.

[DEVIL LAUGHS]

YOU GOT ALL THE WEED YOU'LL EVER NEED,

BUT YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE.

[LAUGHING]

1, 2...

CHA CHA--

OH, GOD, HOW DOES THAT GO AGAIN?

OOH! HE'S GREAT, ISN'T HE?

OH, HE'S VERY, VERY ENTERTAINING.

THEY'RE GOING TO ADORE HIM AT CANNES.

OK, SO WHAT'S THE DEAL?

HAVE YOU SEEN ENOUGH OR WHAT?

HE'S ALL PACKED AND READY TO GO.

I MUST ADMIT, I LIKE WHAT I'VE SEEN SO FAR.

BUT, WELL, I HAVEN'T SEEN IT ALL, NOW HAVE I?

OF COURSE. I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY.

Dad: HELLO!

OOH! AND LOOK AT THE WONDERFUL MARBLING HERE!

THAT'S MY DOUGIE.

I'M AWFULLY PROUD.

AAH! OW!

I DON'T THINK HE CAN TAKE ANYMORE.

OK, WE'LL CALL CLAY AGAIN.

[RING]

SPEAK.

YOUR BOY'S NOT DOING TOO WELL,

BUT DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

AAH! CLAY! CLAY!

OW!

PLEASE BRING CLAUDIA BACK!

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

YOU READY TO DO BUSINESS?

I DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS.

HOW COULD I EVER THINK SOMEONE EVER TRADE YOU FOR CLAUDIA?

HE'S NOT COMING TO GET ME?

NOPE.

AWW!

AWW!

NOW WE'LL NEVER SEE HOT CLAUDIA AGAIN.

NEVER AGAIN.

LET'S SHAVE HIS HEAD!

NO! LEAVE HIM ALONE!

HEY, ASSMAR,

YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF A HEAD SHAVE, TOO.

NO!

WHO KEEPS CALLING YOU?

SOUNDS LIKE JOHNNY'S HAVING A TOUGH TIME

HANDLING THAT CLASS.

THAT KID'S SUCH A BITCH.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID HE'S A BITCH.

NO ONE MAKES FUN OF JOHNNY...

EXCEPT FOR ME...

HIS DAD, HIS GRANDMA,

ANGUS, UM, GOKI, AND PAULA...

SOMETIMES CHIP...

AND THE MAILMAN WHEN WE SEE HIM OCCASIONALLY...

AND I GUESS THE GUY FROM THE RECORD STORE...

AND CARDINAL MALROONEY.

BUT YOU? YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER.

YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!

LOUIS, WE'VE GOT A HOSTAGE SITUATION.

ASSEMBLE THE S.W.A.T. TEAM.

THESE SADDLEBAGS CAN BE TOTALLY SUCKED OUT.

Leona: AND WE CAN PUT IN SOME PEC IMPLANTS.

LOOK HOW MUCH YOUNGER HE LOOKS WHEN I DO THIS.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ALL CUT UP.

OH, DON'T YOU WANT TO BE PRETTY FOR ME?

AND I CAN GET YOU ON THE DONOR LIST

FOR A NEW LIVER,

THEN YOU CAN DRINK ALL YOU WANT.

LET THE SLICING BEGIN!

UH, YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING ME

TO PAY FOR ANY OF THIS, RIGHT?

NO, OF COURSE NOT, DEAR.

I'M HIS MAMA NOW.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

MAMA?

YES?

YES?

MOVE IN.

BALD AND TOOTHLESS AT 19.

[CRASH]

AAH! NO!

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS HOW IT'S GONNA WORK.

I'M TAKING THE KID AND WE'RE WALKING OUT OF HERE, SEE?

NO!

DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID.

OH, I WON'T.

WHOA!

NICE.

GET HIM!

YOU GUYS ARE HEAVY.

I THINK SOMEONE'S GONNA BE VERY HAPPY TO SEE YOU SAFE.

JOHNNY!

NO! I'M HIS MAMA!

NO! I'M HIS MAMA!

WELL, THERE'S A SIMPLE WAY TO SETTLE ALL OF THIS.

WE'LL JUST SEE WHO HE WANTS TO BE HIS MAMA.

GOOD IDEA, FATTIE.

NOW, COME TO MAMA,

AND I'LL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU EVER DREAMED OF.

DON'T LISTEN TO HER, DOUGIE!

I'VE ALWAYS TAKEN CARE OF YOU.

I'M YOUR REAL MAMA.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

COME TO MAMA.

DOUGLAS JENKINS, GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!

Dad: I CAN'T DECIDE.

YOU BOTH LOOK LIKE ONE BIG PERSON RIGHT NOW.

Leona: OH, MERCY!

NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID!

WELL, I'LL JUST CHANGE HIM.

I DO IT ALL THE TIME.

NO, NO, NO. I WILL.

Grandma: HEY, HEY, HEY!

YOU'RE NOT BREADING A CUTLET DOWN THERE.

Leona: HE'S TENDER.

Dad: OOH!

DID YOU SAY CUTLETS?

YEAH, YOU COW!

NOW, WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE THIS TO AN EXPERT?

HYAH!

MAMA, I'M COLD.

DAMN STRAIGHT!

I'M YOUR MAMA!

WAIT HERE, BOY,

WHILE I TAKE OUT THE TRASH.

OUCH!

OOH! OOH! OH! OH! OW!

I KNEW YOU'D COME FOR ME, CLAY.

YEAH, SORRY I FUCKED UP YOUR CHANCE TO IMPRESS PAULA.

BUT I'M GONNA MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

I CHOPPERED HER IN ALL THE WAY FROM COCONUT COLLEGE.

[HELICOPTER APPROACHING]

WOW! SHE MADE GOOD TIME!

[HELICOPTER APPROACHING]

WOW! SHE MADE GOOD TIME!

SHE ONLY LEFT HERE 13 MINUTES AGO.

SO, WHAT DID I MISS?

YOU TWO HAVE FUN.

JOHNNY'S GONNA GIVE YOU A PRIVATE LESSON,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

NICE.

JOHNNY, WHERE'S YOUR HAIR?

UH, MOST OF IT'S OVER THERE.

OH, LOOK AT YOU,

STANDING THERE IN FRONT OF YOUR CLASSROOM.

YOU LOOK SO DISTINGUISHED AND MATURE.

JUST LIKE MY HISTORY PROFESSOR.

REALLY?

YEAH. EXCEPT HE HAS HAIR.

BESIDES THAT, YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HIM.

TEACHING WAS A LOT HARDER

THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE.

I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO SEE ME LIKE THAT.

WELL, UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GREAT.

OOPS. YOU LOST SOMETHING.

[LISPING] I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

UH, YOU CAN HARDLY NOTICE.

IT MAKES YOU LOOK OLDER, ANYWAY.

DO YOU REALLY THINK I COULD BE A TEACHER SOMEDAY?

I THINK YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO, JOHNNY.

REALLY?

SURE.

I THINK YOU COULD DO ANYTHING,

GO ANYWHERE, BE ANYBODY,

DATE ANY GIRL,

COOK ANY MEAL, VACUUM ANY RUG,

WAX ANY FLOOR, TAKE OUT ANY GARBAGE.

OH...

WHEN YOU SAID, "DATE ANY GIRL,"

DID YOU MEAN "ANY GIRL"?

NOT JUST ANY GIRL.

YOU NEED TO FIND A GIRL

WHO LIKES TO SLEEP WITH THEIR PROFESSORS.

GOOD LUCK, JOHNNY! I KNOW SHE'S OUT THERE.

YOU KNOW, MAMA,

YOU REALLY DO BLOODY MARYS RIGHT.

YEAH, WELL, JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT WILLING

TO GIVE YOU AWAY TO SOME RICH ELEPHANT

DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE NOT AN EMBARRASSMENT AS A SON.

OF COURSE, MAMA.

Clay: ANGUS, BUDDY, YOU SAVED THE DAY.

YOU ROLLED IN,

AND THOSE GEEKS WENT DOWN FASTER

THAN JOHNNY'S GRANDMA AT A HUGE COCK CONVENTION.

I GOT YOU SOMETHING AS A TOKEN OF MY APPRECIATION.

THAT'S RIGHT, BUDDY, YOUR VERY OWN HOOKA...

VERONICA.

[PURRING]

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

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