Original subtitles

AHA. FRED HOLBROOK--

YEAH, MY FIRST BOYFRIEND.

HELLO, IS FRED THERE?

OH, HE'S DEAD?

HA HA HA HA HA! YIPEE!

AW, MAVIS FLAUBERT--

THAT GRANDSTANDING COW!

PLEASE BE DEAD, PLEASE BE DEAD, PLEASE BE DEAD.

AHEM. HELLO? YES, HELLO.

I'M LOOKING FOR MAVIS FLAUBERT.

OH, SO YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.

HMM. WELL, HOW SICK ARE YOU, HONEY?

ONLY 3 MONTHS TO LIVE? OH! AHEM.

BLESS YOUR HEART. YOU MADE MY DECADE!

OH, MY GOD.

I'M GOING TO MAVIS' FUNERAL.

OH, LET'S SEE, NOW. WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR?

UH-HUH. I GOT IT.

MY FAVORITE RED DRESS.

OH, YEAH! AND MY JAZZ SHOES.

AND NOW FOR THE TOPPER--

MY FUR STOLE!

DAMN IT!

THAT STOLE TIED THE WHOLE OUTFIT TOGETHER! SHIT!

HURRY UP, JOHNNY. I'M NOT WAITING ALL DAY.

HEY, CLAY, I WAS JUST WONDERIN'

IF YOU HAVE ANYONE MANAGING YOUR FINANCES

IN THESE, UH, TUMULTUOUS TIMES.

WELL, YOU KNOW, PORK BELLIES ARE NOT JUST FOR BACON.

HEH HEH HEH HEH.

DOUGIE, KITCHEN!

NOW!

YES, MAMA?

GIVE ME YOUR BANK CARD. I NEED SOME MONEY.

IF YOU NEED MONEY,

MY BANK CARD'S NOT GONNA HELP YOU OUT TOO MUCH.

DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVE NO MONEY AGAIN!

FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU JUST GOT PAID!

I DID. NOW I'M ONLY AT NEGATIVE $800.

YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE LOUSY WITH MONEY,

A LOUSY SALESMAN, AND P.S.--A LOUSY SON.

BUT I'M GONNA WORK ON BEING A BETTER SALESMAN.

YEAH? WELL, I WON'T HOLD MY BREATH.

[PASSES GAS] UH-OH.

OOH, MY NEW STOLE.

HMM HMM.

AH. HERE, KITTY, KITTY.

TAKE A BREATH.

GOOD BOY.

[CHATTERS]

WHAT LUSTROUS FUR YOU HAVE.

[CHATTERING]

OH, WHAT AN IMPRESSIVE GIRTH.

AND, OH, I SEE YOU STILL GOT YOUR JEWELS.

THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S VERY, VERY GOOD.

SO SOFT.

SO SOFT.

PUT THE FERRET DOWN.

RELAX, SLIM.

I JUST LOVE THIS FURRY LITTLE HUNK OF SUNSHINE.

[MUFFLED MOANS]

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU RUN ALONG WITH JOHNNY,

AND I'LL WATCH HIM FOR THE DAY.

NO, THANKS. I DON'T LIKE ANGUS SPENDING TIME

WITH THINGS THAT ARE ALMOST DEAD. WE'RE OUTTA HERE.

JOHNNY, I'LL BE IN THE CAR.

WELL PLAYED, CLAY ZEEMAN.

BUT BY THE TIME THE COCK CROWS,

YOUR FERRET WILL BE MINE!

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

[GRANDMA COUGHS]

CLAY, WAIT UP.

OH, HEY, JOHNNY.

HEY, PAULA. WHATCHA DOIN'?

JUST PLANTING SOME SEEDS.

I'D LOVE TO PLANT SOME SEEDS IN YOU.

UH, YOU CAN LEAVE NOW.

YOU'RE JUST DELAYING THE INEVITABLE.

I WILL PLOW THROUGH YOUR FIELD SOMEDAY.

I'M SORRY, PAULA. HE'S JUST TRYING TO BE FUNNY.

WELL, HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

NOW, YOU'RE FUNNY, JOHNNY.

REALLY?

YEAH.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES

CHIP AND I HAVE LAUGHED AND LAUGHED THINKING ABOUT YOU.

OH. ARE YOU SEEING CHIP TONIGHT?

NO.

OH. ARE YOU SEEING CHIP TONIGHT?

NO.

WELL, MAYBE YOU AND I COULD GO OUT.

AH HA HA HA HA!

OH, YOU DID IT AGAIN.

OH, MY GOSH. I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL CHIP.

ANYWAY, I CAN'T GO OUT WITH YOU TONIGHT.

I'M GOING TO MY FIRST FRESHMAN ICE CREAM SOCIAL TOMORROW.

THAT SOUNDS FUN.

I HOPE YOU MAKE A LOT OF NEW FRIENDS.

ME, TOO. I'M SICK OF ALL THE ONES I HAVE NOW.

OK.

SEE YA.

CLAY, DO YOU THINK TREES FEEL SAD

WHEN WE CUT DOWN OTHER TREES?

TREES CAN'T FEEL, JOHNNY.

THEY'RE NOT PEOPLE.

BUT IF THEY COULD,

DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD FEEL SAD?

YES, I IMAGINE THEY WOULD FEEL QUITE SAD.

TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH, JOHNNY.

BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.

I CAN HEAR THEM CRYING IN MY SLEEP.

THEY'RE RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW.

JOHNNY, YOU'RE A SENSITIVE GUY.

I LIKE THAT ABOUT YOU.

NOW LET'S WATCH SOME PORNO.

NO, CLAY. PORNOS ARE BAD.

LAST TIME YOU MADE ME WATCH ONE OF THEM,

I COULDN'T STOP HYPERVENTILATING.

JUST PRETEND THEY'RE WEARING CLOTHES

AND LET YOURSELF GET SWEPT AWAY BY THE STORY.

"ICE CREAM SOCIAL 19: NUTS ON TOP."

THAT'S WEIRD.

PAULA'S GOING TO AN ICE CREAM SOCIAL TOMORROW NIGHT.

NICE.

Girl on TV: HI, I'M SALLY.

I'M HERE FOR THE ICE CREAM SOCIAL.

THAT'S NOT WHERE ICE CREAM GOES.

BUT IT SHOULD. IT SHOULD ALWAYS GO THERE.

CLAY, PAULA'S ICE CREAM SOCIAL ISN'T GONNA BE LIKE THIS, IS IT?

THEY'RE ALL LIKE THIS.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS AT MY SCHOOL.

CHUCK'S COMMUNITY COLLEGE--

NOT A REAL SCHOOL, JOHNNY.

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE RIGHT.

I HAVE TO WARN PAULA.

HEY, PAULA. I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE STILL UP.

OH, HEY, JOHNNY.

I NEED IT, BABY...

NOW!

I GUESS IT COULD WAIT TILL MORNING.

THERE, THERE, MY GREEN-LEAFED FRIENDS.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN TONIGHT.

[CLATTER]

[GROWLING]

HA HA HA HA HA--

[COUGHS]

IS PAULA AWAKE YET? IT'S IMPORTANT.

YOU JUST MISSED HER.

YOU KNOW WHERE SHE WENT?

SURE, HERE'S HER ITINERARY FOR THE DAY.

THANKS.

FUCKIN' JOHNNY'S HILARIOUS.

HEY, DAD. YOU'RE UP EARLY.

THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM.

LET HIM BE A LESSON TO YOU.

THE WORM OR THE BIRD?

UH...

UH, STOP MESSIN' ME UP. I'M BUSY.

I GOT A SHITLOAD OF SUPPLIES HERE,

AND I'M NOT COMIN' BACK UNTIL THEY'RE SOLD.

WELL, GOOD LUCK, DAD.

I MYSELF AM OFF ON MY OWN ADVENTURE TO FIND--

SAVE IT.

[GRUNTS]

[GROWLING]

[PURRS]

[GROWLS]

HMM. IF HE SCREWS 2 FERRETS EVERY 4 HOURS,

THAT'S 10 BABIES APIECE.

10, 20, 30...UH-HUH, UH-HUH. I GOT IT.

THAT'S ONE STOLE, TWO COATS, AND A HAT!

HA HA HA! THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT, KID!

IMPREGNATE THE FERRETS!

WE JUST HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS

ABOUT ANGUS' MEDICAL HISTORY WE NEED YOU TO ANSWER.

YEAH, WELL, THAT SOUNDS EASY ENOUGH.

UH...

UH-OH.

[SIGHS]

28 MILES?

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

I'M GONNA CUT OUT THE MIDDLEMAN.

I'M GOING RIGHT TO THE PEOPLE.

[RINGS]

YEAH?

HELLO, SIR.

MIGHT I INTEREST YOU IN SOME OFFICE SUPPLIES?

WHAT ARE YOU, ABOUT A SIZE 45 WAIST?

I'M NOT SURE. MY MOM BUYS MY CLOTHES.

HOW ABOUT A STAPLER?

YOU HAVE ANY OTHER COLORS BESIDES BLACK?

NO, JUST CLASSIC BLACK.

THEN I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.

WELL, HOW ABOUT SOME PAPER CLIPS?

PUT THE FUCKIN' STAPLER IN THE BASKET!

SOME POST-ITS?

Paula: I AM SO TIRED

OF GETTING YOUR CATALOGS IN THE MAIL.

IF ANOTHER ONE SHOWS UP,

I'M GONNA THROW A ROCK THROUGH YOUR WINDOW.

DAMN YOU, ICE CREAM SOCIAL! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

HAVE YOU SEEN A PRETTY BRUNETTE IN HERE TODAY?

OH, YEAH. SHE SPENT A TON OF MONEY.

SHE'S ONE OF OUR BEST CUSTOMERS.

SHE'S LOADING UP HER CAR OUT BACK. YEAH.

THANK GOD I CAUGHT HER.

HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!

OW! YOU'RE NOT PAULA!

NO, I'M ZORRO.

FOR REALS?

WE CAN MAKE THIS AS REAL AS YOU WANT IT.

ANGUS.

I TOLD HIM A THOUSAND TIMES,

IF HE'S GONNA RENT PORNOS,

HE SHOULD RETURN THE ONES WE ALREADY WATCHED.

SPEAK.

HEY, FLUFFY NUTS,

HOW'S THAT ADORABLE FERRET OF YOURS?

HAS HE EVER HAD HEART DISEASE?

WHO IS THIS? WHAT ABOUT GINGIVITIS?

IS THIS JOHNNY'S GRANDMA?

LET ME ASK YOU THIS--

IS ANGUS ALLERGIC TO PENICILLIN?

WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT ANGUS' MEDICAL HISTORY?

IF YOU MUST KNOW, I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

WHAT TO GET HIM FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.

PROBABLY A CARD.

GOOD IDEA.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME

YOU CHECKED ANGUS' STOOL FOR WORMS?

HE DOESN'T HAVE A STOOL. HE SITS ON THE COUCH WITH ME.

CLAY, "STOOL" IS AN OLD-TIME WORD FOR DOO-DOO!

WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT FERRET SHIT WITH YOU?

HMM. WHAT THE FUCK?

Woman on phone: FRED'S FERRET FARM. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

WHERE ARE YOU LOCATED?

[SIGHS] I COULD USE A STIFF ONE.

HEY, CAN I PAY WITH OFFICE SUPPLIES?

Bartender: SURE, HOW ABOUT JUST SOME WATER?

WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER ROUND, SIR?

OK, I'LL PAY REGULAR.

I'LL HAVE SOME SCOTCH WITH THAT WATER THIS TIME.

NOW YOU'RE MAKIN' SENSE, RUMMY.

OH, THAT'S A REAL MAN'S DRINK.

WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?

A FUZZY NAVEL.

A REAL LADY'S DRINK.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I'LL BE BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

I'M GOIN' TO GET TOOLS. DON'T GO ANYWHERE.

HEY, JOHNNY.

OMAR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

THE CORONA BROTHERS TOOK ALL MY MONEY FOR THE WEEK,

SO I'M TRYING TO ROUND UP SOME CHANGE FOR A CUP O' NOODLES.

ARE YOU PROTESTING SOMETHING, JOHNNY?

NO, I'M HERE AGAINST MY WILL.

CAN YOU HELP ME GET OUT OF THESE?

SURE, THAT'S SIMPLE.

WHAT THE HECK, OMAR?

I'VE BEEN TAKEN HOSTAGE BY THE CORONA BROTHERS

SO MANY TIMES THAT I FIND IT'S BEST

TO KEEP A HAIRPIN IN MY LOWER INTESTINES.

THEY NEVER GIVE ME THE GOOD SUPPLIES,

LIKE THE ELECTRIC PENCIL SHARPENER.

THAT'S AN ITEM THAT MOVES.

EVEN IF I HAD A YELLOW STAPLER.

I COULD WORK WITH THAT.

DO THEY EXPECT YOU TO WORK MIRACLES?

A YELLOW STAPLER. NOW, THAT'S PRETTY.

I WOULD BUY SOME TO PUT AROUND MY HOUSE AS KNICKKNACKS.

I COULD PUT THEM ON MY BRIC-A-BRAC SHELF.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STILL SINGLE.

[BOTH LAUGH]

ANGUS, GIVE ME A SIGN

IF YOU'VE EVER HAD HEPATITIS.

I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE MY FUCKIN' FERRET ALONE.

PLEASE, CLAY. I DID ANGUS A SOLID, AND--

OH, OH, OH, OH. LOOK!

HE'S SMACK-DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCK FRENZY!

WAY TO GO, BABY!

THAT'S MY BOY.

YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD, CLAY.

HE'S SIRE OF THE MONTH.

HE LEARNED FROM THE MASTER.

STOP THE MATING! COITUS INTERRUPTUS!

ANGUS IS STERILE!

NO-O-O-O!

NO-O-O-O!

NO-O-O-O!

HMPH.

[BOTH GROAN]

[SQUEALS]

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY--

A PERSON'S PET TAKES AFTER HIS OWNER.

WHERE ARE WE GOING AGAIN?

AW, COME ON!

WHAT'S WRONG?

I WAS GONNA CATCH UP WITH PAULA AT 3:00,

BUT SHE'LL BE BLOWING CHIP,

AND WON'T BE ABLE TO TALK.

WHY DON'T WE TRY TO HEAD HER OFF AT THE WHIPPED CREAM SHOP?

THAT'S ABOUT AN HOUR AWAY FROM HERE, DEPENDING ON TRAFFIC.

OMAR, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.

YOU'RE ALWAYS ONE STEP AHEAD OF PAULA'S LIST.

LET'S GO!

CAN I GET A WHIPPED CREAM WITH A PROTEIN BOOST AND BEE POLLEN?

Man: IT'S JUST WHIPPED CREAM,

YOU LITTLE TREE-HUGGIN' BITCH.

OH. OH, OK.

THEN JUST THE WHIPPED CREAM.

HERE WE ARE.

Omar: MY NOODLES!

FORGET THE NOODLES. I'LL BUY YOU SOME MORE.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

PAULA'S GONNA GET RAPED WITH A POPSICLE TONIGHT.

LET'S GO!

OK.

AHEM. EXCUSE ME,

HAVE YOU SEEN A BRUNETTE?

I CAN'T HELP YOU UNLESS YOU BUY SOMETHING.

BUT IT'S JUST A SIMPLE QUESTION.

[SALESMAN HUMS] NEXT, PLEASE.

OK. WHAT'S THE SMALLEST WHIPPED CREAM YOU GOT?

A GALLON.

FINE, I'LL TAKE IT.

HEY, THAT'S MY NOODLE MONEY.

NOW WILL YOU TELL ME IF YOU'VE SEEN A BRUNETTE?

YES, I DID.

GREAT! HOW LONG AGO?

NEXT.

ALL THESE WHIPPED CREAM BLOBS

ARE BETTER THAN NOODLES ANY DAY.

AH, OMAR. I WISH ALL I HAD TO WORRY ABOUT

WAS WHIPPED CREAM BLOBS.

WHY ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT PAULA

GOING TO AN ICE CREAM PARLOR ANY OLD WAYS?

I'M CONCERNED ABOUT THE DIRTY THINGS SHE'S GONNA DO.

WHAT'S DIRTY ABOUT ICE CREAM?

OH, OMAR. DIDN'T YOUR FATHER EVER TELL YOU

ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES?

NO, HE DIDN'T.

COME HERE.

TELL ME ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES, JOHNNY.

DO YOU EVER GET ERECTIONS?

OH, SURE, ALL THE TIME. I LIKE 'EM.

WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT 'EM?

OH, I LIKE WALKIN' AROUND WITH THEM FOR A WHILE.

THEN, SOMETIMES, IT CAN GET IN THE WAY,

SO I USUALLY TWIST 'EM OR PINCH 'EM UNTIL THEY GO AWAY.

WELL, EVERY TIME I THINK OF PAULA,

I GET ONE.

OH, THAT'S HARD WHEN YOU GOT STUFF TO DO.

IT CAN BE FRUSTRATING.

WELL, HAVE YOU TRIED JUST PINCHING IT?

OMAR, I'M TRYING TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT JUST PINCHING.

I'M TALKING ABOUT LOVE.

THE GUYS WHO ARE GONNA BE AT THIS ICE CREAM SOCIAL--

THEY DON'T LOVE PAULA.

SO, THEY TWIST?

NO.

SO, THEY TWIST?

NO.

SO, WHAT DO THEY DO?

THEY BREAK MY HEART, OMAR.

THEY BREAK MY HEART.

AWW. WELL, THEN WE GOTTA FIND PAULA

AND TELL HER TO STOP GIVING YOU ERECTIONS.

NOW, WHAT ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES?

MY MOTHER IS SO OVERBEARING.

SO IS MINE. AND MEAN, TOO.

HOW MEAN IS SHE?

SHE'S SO MEAN,

SHE SAID I USED TO WALK LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.

SHE SAID I WAS TOO EFFEMINATE.

WELL, THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS.

YOU'RE PERFECTLY EFFEMINATE.

YOU OOZE EFFEMININITY.

YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, MISS UNDERSTOOD.

OOPS. WHAT WAS THAT?

THAT WAS ME INVITING YOU BACK TO MY PLACE.

[BOTH LAUGH]

AND THEN THE BEE POLLINATES THE FLOWER.

THE END.

GOD, I'M LONELY.

ME, TOO.

BUT I'VE GOTTA OVERCOME THIS HORRIBLE LONELINESS

TO CHECK OUT PAULA'S LIST AGAIN.

ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH THIS LIST

OR ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH PAULA?

YOU KNOW WHERE SHE'S GONNA BE TONIGHT.

STOP F-ING AROUND.

GOD, OMAR, I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU SO PASSIONATE.

I JUST ATE A GALLON OF WHIPPED CREAM.

LET'S GO RENT YOU A TUX.

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A BUM.

YOU CAN'T GO TO THE SOCIAL LOOKING LIKE THAT.

YOU'LL STICK OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB.

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE RIGHT.

ANGUS CAN'T BE STERILE!

NO, THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.

YOU FUCKIN' DRUG ADDICT. YOU KILLED YOUR NUTS.

[GROANS]

ISN'T THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO?

THE SITUATION IS ALMOST COMPLETELY HOPELESS.

BUT IF YOU WANT,

YOU CAN PUT ANGUS THROUGH A BATTERY

OF COMPLETELY HUMILIATING EXPERIMENTAL--

AND ILLEGAL-- TESTS AND TREATMENTS

TO TRY TO BOLSTER HIS SPERM COUNT.

[GASPS]

WHATEVER IT TAKES. MONEY IS NO OBJECT.

NO BLANKS OF MINE ARE GONNA BE SHOOTING FERRETS.

OR THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

[PANTING]

Grandma: INCREASE THE INCLINE!

DON'T WORRY, BUDDY. IT'S ONLY A HALF HOUR MORE.

YOUR NUTSACK'S GONNA BE IN SHAPE IN NO TIME.

MAN, HE REALLY LET HIS NUTSACK GO.

GET A LOAD OF THAT FLAB.

YOU SHOULD TALK ABOUT FLAB.

YOU LOOK LIKE A DEFLATED PARADE FLOAT.

FOR A WOMAN MY AGE, I'M TIGHT AS A DRUM.

UHH!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

MEN KILL TO SUCK MY WATTLE.

[KISSES]

STOP FLICKIN' THAT THING.

IT'S SCARIN' AWAY ALL THE SPERM.

DRINK THIS.

IT'LL ADD SOME WEIGHT TO YOUR BERRIES.

[GAGS] EWWW!

NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE EXPERIMENTAL DRUGS.

[CHATTERS]

THAT'S RIGHT, PAL.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO TAKE SOME SHIT

THAT HASN'T EVEN BEEN TESTED ON LAB RATS.

HERE WE GO.

HEH HEH HEH.

HELLO, ANGUSTINO. I'M-A YOUR SPERM.

WE HAD A GOOD-A THING GOING,

BUT YOU STAB-A ME IN THE BACK

WHEN YOU SMOKE-A THE DOPE.

I'M-A GO AWAY NOW. CIAO, ANGUSTINO.

UH! LET-A ME GO! I HATE-A YOU GUTS!

AAH!

OH!

HA! YOU CAN NO CATCH ME, ANGUSTINO.

I'M-A TOO QUICK.

I ALREADY IN-A THE NORTH POLE.

I DON'T THINK THESE REFRIGERATED SHORTS ARE COLD ENOUGH.

MY TONGUE WON'T STICK TO THEM.

BECAUSE YOUR TONGUE'S ALREADY DEAD,

YOU DRIED-UP CORPSE.

I'M PUTTING ANGUS IN THE FREEZER.

SPEED THINGS UP.

I'LL DO IT, YOU STRETCHED-OUT WALKING PENIS.

HEY, JAMES BOND.

I SPY A SEXY MAN.

[IMITATES JAMES BOND] THANK YOU, MONEYPENNY.

AND THIS BIG AND TALL SHOP HAS THE BEST PRICES IN TOWN.

YOU'RE GONNA FIT RIGHT IN.

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE?

HAVE ANOTHER DRINK.

GOD, YOU'RE A NICE LADY.

OH. OH! IT'S THE BRIC-A-BRAC SHELF.

THAT'S RI-IGHT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

DON'T GO WRECKING MY HOUSE, YOU ANIMAL.

[GROANS]

[COUGHS]

OH, MY.

WELL, THIS WORKS, TOO.

AH.

OH, BOY.

HE'S DONE.

GO BUST A NUT, BUDDY.

IT'S THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.

WELL, IF THIS DOESN'T WORK,

WE CAN ALWAYS SHOCK THE SPERM OUT OF HIM.

SHI-I-I-I-IT!

[GROANS]

DID WE GET ANYTHING?!

I--I--I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP.

NAME?

THE NAME'S JENKINS... JOHNNY JENKINS.

NOT ON THE LIST.

MILLER? FRED MILLER?

HE'S A SOPHOMORE.

NOW, GET LOST, YOU PHONY FRED MILLER.

WHAT WOULD FRED MILLER DO

IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS?

WOW, THIS IS REALLY GREAT.

A CONTRIVED SETTING

COUPLED WITH FORCED INTERACTION

IS PERFECT FOR MAKING LIFELONG FRIENDS.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT TOPPINGS?

I'M FOR THEM. LET'S BE FRIENDS.

OH, GOOD.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT SPRINKLES?

SPRINKLES ARE A TOPPING, YOU TREE-HUGGING BITCH.

P-P-P-PAULA!

JOHNNY! THERE'S NO PLACE FOR NUDITY

AT AN ICE CREAM SOCIAL.

[SHIVERING] Y-YOU MEAN THERE'S NO O-O-ORGY?

THE STUTTERING IDIOT'S HERE! YAY!

JOHNNY, I DIDN'T KNOW THEY BOOKED YOU FOR THIS.

YOU'RE THE STUTTERING IDIOT

EVERYONE'S BEEN TALKING ABOUT?

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE ENTERTAINMENT HAS ARRIVED.

I--I--

AH, FUCK IT. SHARON!

HEY, WHAT GIVES?

YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE FUN OF OZZY.

IT'S UNCOOL.

I--I--FU--

AH HA HA HA!

I CAME TO RESCUE YOU.

A BUNCH OF DIRTY STUFF IS GONNA HAPPEN

RIGHT AFTER THAT IDIOT GETS OFFSTAGE.

JOHNNY, IF YOU WANTED TO COME TO THE SOCIAL THIS BADLY,

YOU SHOULD'VE JUST ASKED ME.

THIS IS EMBARRASSING. NOW, PULL UP YOUR PANTS.

ANGUS, YOU'VE BEEN IN THERE 3 MINUTES.

HURRY UP!

[GRUNTS]

HMM. IT FEELS A LITTLE LIGHT.

HEY, CLAY, GO CRANK UP THE SPARKINAMAT...TA...MA...

YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

I GOT A FEELING WE GOT NOTHIN'.

Clay: ANGUS, YOU'VE GOT 3 SPERMS.

YOU'RE A WINNER!

[CHATTERS]

I'M GONNA TAKE THESE RIGHT DOWN TO THE BREEDER,

AND GET THOSE BITCHES PREGNANT

SO I CAN KILL THEIR BABIES.

AH HA HA HA HA HA!

AHH. HMM.

YOU'RE NOT KILLIN' ANY BABIES, BABY.

I'M FREEZIN' THESE BABIES.

I'M GONNA BE A GRANDDAD TO SOME FERRET BABIES.

UHH! WHAT ABOUT MY STOLE?

NOT MY PROBLEM.

Grandma: DAMN YOU, ZEEMAN.

I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!

AH HA HA HA HA HA!

AH HA HA--

[COUGHS]

Johnny: THANKS FOR DRIVING ME HOME, PAULA.

SORRY I EMBARRASSED YOU.

JOHNNY, IT WAS SWEET OF YOU

TO BE SO CONCERNED ABOUT ME,

BUT I'M A BIG GIRL NOW,

AND I CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS ABOUT ICE CREAM

AND/OR ANAL SEX.

I'M SORRY, PAULA. I'M JUST AFRAID

YOU'RE GONNA GO OFF WITH ALL YOUR NEW ANAL SEX FRIENDS

AND FORGET ALL ABOUT ME.

THAT'S JUST SILLY.

I WANT TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'LL REPLACE THE OLD ONES.

IT JUST MEANS I'LL HAVE LESS TIME FOR THEM.

SO YOU MEAN WE'LL STILL BE FRIENDS,

EVEN THOUGH I ACTED LIKE AN IDIOT?

[LAUGHS] JOHNNY, THE ONLY REASON I LIKE YOU

IS BECAUSE YOU ACT LIKE AN IDIOT.

YOU'RE A BIG FUCKING IDIOT,

AND I THINK IT'S HYSTERICAL.

YOU SHOULD HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF.

OK, I'LL TRY.

REMEMBER, JOHNNY--

AS LONG AS YOU LIVE NEXT DOOR TO ME,

YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY NEIGHBOR.

KARMA MY ASS!

I GOT ME A STOLE,

AND I'M AS BAD AS I WANNA BE.

HEH HEH HEH!

YIPEE. OH, YEAH.

MAMA, I'M COLD.

Grandma: ♪ A-CHARLESTON, CHARLESTON ♪

♪ OH, GOD, THAT NIGHT IN CHARLESTON ♪

♪ I AM SO HOT ♪

♪ LOOK AT ME, BOYS... ♪

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