Original subtitles

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

- Howdy! - Here we go.

Understand our, uh, our sons got into a bit of a fight.

Yeah, sure did.

I'm sorry I hit you.

How do you not know "Call of Duty"?

Gotta admit, it's kinda weird he never heard of "Call of Duty."

I mean, game's been around for years.

There's, like, 15 versions of it.

Yeah, well, uh, we don't, uh, we don't play video games at our house.

But that's okay if y'all do.

That's weird.

Yeah, why don't you, uh, tell him the thing we talked about?

Go on.

I hope...

I hope we can be together next time in harmony.

Well, uh, we'll look into that.

Come on, pal.

Huh?

I wish Travis was nice to me after I apologized.

Well, you can't control other people, bud.

We can only control ourselves.

The more I think about it, the more I wanna punch him again.

Yeah, that's called insecurity.

You keep practicing what you just did over there,

and you'll grow.

You'll be a better person for it.

But even his dad wasn't nice.

I picked up on that.

But you didn't see me get mad, did you?

No.

I know how you feel, buddy.

You know, your dad used to get mad.

A lot.

But, uh, eventually, I was able to control those feelings,

and then I had you, and I changed.

I'm really proud of you.

It's a hard thing that you did.

You messed up, but you took responsibility for it.

It's the right way to live.

Oh, I don't think we have time for that.

- I think I can do it. - Let's try it.

Here we go. Okay, you ready?

Let Dad do that. Let Dad do that.

- Dad'll do it. - Okay.

Dad's gonna do it. Okay? Here we go.

No. Pick it up. Pick it up.

... his face is the penny,

as well as the $5 bill.

Lincoln was born February 12th, 1809, in Kentucky.

His family was very poor

and lived in a one-room log cabin.

Later, when Lincoln was 9 years old,

his mother suddenly died.

Stupid bull got up there and got his horn stuck in my bumper.

About pulled it off.

So now, I gotta replace that, I gotta replace the...

Here y'all go. Got your breakfast right here.

- Thank you, Miss Emily. - Now, who needs a warm-up?

I'll take one.

Kyle? How you doin' this morning?

- You enjoying a short stack? - I sure am, Miss Ginny.

Oh...

I'm gonna need a fucking Xanny.

Oh! Mm!

Oh, hey. Did I tell you?

- Amber made cheer squad. - Oh, hey, that's so great.

You must be so proud.

Oh, yeah. We're havin' a big shindig to celebrate.

You should come. We're gonna fry a turkey.

Oh, you know, I'd love to, but...

we got Clark's mom, so...

Oh, well, bring 'em all.

Yeah, I know, but she's, um...

She's hooked up to all them machines,

and I'm afraid to... unplug 'em.

Oh, that's fuckin' stressful.

Yep.

Shit's real stressful.

Uh...

Bevel told me he jerks off to you.

Hey, Emily.

What are you doin' right now?

Cashing out.

That's cool.

That's really fuckin' cool.

Cool.

And apparently, he was a lawyer

before he became the president.

Did you know that?

I knew that, yeah.

I think it's a good thing for John to see that stuff.

You know, that, I don't know, despite his circumstances,

he could be a lawyer.

Yeah, no, totally.

I think it's great he's learning about all that now.

I mean, I don't think I learned about George Washington

or Abe Lincoln till I was much older, so...

Yeah, totally.

What else did you guys learn about?

You mean, what else did I teach him?

Uh-huh.

Oh, just basic math.

You know, I wanna get into long division...

math stuff, two plus two.

Things that, basically, you know, what we could try to do

is come up with stuff with, like, division, things like that.

You know, that's what I'm hoping...

Hey, what do you guys want for dinner?

You know what I like about Old Abe?

And, uh, it's actually something I relate to

which is he had this beautiful combination of, um...

What was it? Pragmatism, optimism, and compromise.

Absolutely. I see that.

No, what you said. Um...

Pragmatism, optimism,

- and compromise. - And compromise. Yeah.

'Cause I-I think that's the building blocks

of anyone worth his salt.

I really do.

And he's now on a penny.

No, he's a real success story,

that Abe Lincoln,

'cause he worked hard, and now he's on a penny.

And a lot of pennies can buy you socks...

um...

shoelaces.

You use those.

I've seen you.

Um...

hairpins...

He's an intricate part of our life, John.

Mm-hmm.

How's your food, John?

Pretty good, right? Chicken pot pie?

You gotta stop drinking at work.

I don't drink at work.

Sally, you came home drunk.

I know, but I didn't drink at work.

Okay, but it's gotta stop.

- You drink beer. - I'm throwing the wine away.

- You drink beer. - Yeah, I drink beer,

and I know when to stop.

Look, you're setting a terrible example for our son.

- You understand? - I'll stop when you stop.

I'm not horse trading with you, okay?

Now, let's... let's just try to unwind

with no drinks.

Please?

Please?

Sally, don't answer me with a look.

Hey, guys.

Today, I'm gonna tell you all the messed-up shit Abraham Lincoln did

that you'll never find in history books.

Number six on today's countdown of "Heroes Exposed"

is old Honest Abe.

I love Tom, and...

I think I'm ready to get married.

Oh, boy.

Marriage is like a...

package of jelly beans.

At first, it's fantastic.

Strawberry. Watermelon. Grape?

And then one day, you get black licorice,

and you think to yourself, why did I get these jelly beans?

But, Mom, what if I love black licorice?

Honey, nobody likes black licorice.

The more you focus on your pain,

the more you focus on your pity,

the bigger it gets,

and the more you doubt God.

In moments like this,

I think of Daniel in the lion's den.

If Daniel were to focus on those lions,

how would he sleep?

He wouldn't!

He'd be scared to death, waitin' to be eaten alive!

Now, how did he survive?

He survived because he focused not on the lions,

but God.

See, you can't focus on the pain, the pity, the fear.

You focus on what made those lions.

God.

God will deliver us.

God acts on behalf of those who wait for him.

God acts on behalf of those... who wait for Him.

Peace be with you.

And also with you.

Now, give thanks.

And may you go in love and peace.

- Peace be with you. - Peace be with you.

Buddy. Peace be with you, pal.

Look at everything God's given us, John.

It's beautiful.

We gotta honor it.

- You know what I mean? - Mm-hmm.

Gotta keep everything on God's land safe.

Everything from the ants to the giant trees.

- There's giant trees? - Oh, yeah. It's nuts.

You know, you gotta honor humans.

You gotta honor Dad.

Dad's gotta honor you.

- What about Mom? - Mom. Sure.

Gotta honor Mom.

- She cries a lot. - Oh, yes. Yes, she does.

But, you know what? Like I've said...

there's happy cry, and then there's sad cry

and then there's, uh...

Well, there's Mom cry,

and that can be very loud and scary.

I feel like I have a pretty good way of talking her down.

As long as I'm calm,

and I'm saying, you know, "You need to stop yelling

and you're spitting when you talk."

You know, those are things...

Ah.

So close.

All right.

That was a pretty good throw.

Thought you said you didn't know how to play.

You're gettin' the hang of it.

Maybe a little wild, but you got this.

Oh, yeah. There you go. Now, you got this.

Yeah!

Here, you can have this.

You know, you're good enough to play right field.

Yeah?

Yeah, so next time your Dad takes a nap,

why don't you come on over to my place,

and I can show you how to hit?

It's not that hard.

Okay. Thanks.

All good.

- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.

Does your mom wear hair on top of her own hair?

- Hey, Dad? - Yeah?

Did you get that comforter?

No.

My room's cold.

Listen, John, do you know th-the story

of the feeding of the five thousand?

See, wh-what happened was Jesus was in the desert

with a bunch of his buddies, about 5,000 of them,

and they were all hungry,

and all they had was a piece of fish and a piece of bread.

You know what Jesus did?

He multiplied it all, and he fed all of them.

- So, you did get my comforter? - No.

No, th-the point of the story

is that God gives you exactly what you need.

And don't whine.

Ooh! My Lincoln book. Thank you.

I need that.

_

Go check on him.

Hey. Hey, Todd! You okay?

Todd, wake up, boy. You okay?

- You better call someone. - Yeah.

_

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Oh, no.

Noah? Noah!

- Noah! - He's not breathing.

Should we call for help?

Mom?

Mom?

John? What's wrong?

I don't wanna get killed by a baseball.

What? Who told you that?

Daddy.

Clark.

Can you come lay with me?

Clark!

Woo!

- You better do it! - Nice!

Sick-ass motherfucker!

Nice car!

Yeah, he's in jail.

And this is your brother?

Dom, yeah.

Wow.

Did anyone die in the robbery?

Fuckin' teller.

The guy he was robbing the bank with

fuckin' blasted this poor teller.

Well, how'd that make your brother feel?

Uh, what do you mean "How did it make him feel?"

You rob a fuckin' bank,

the probability of someone gettin' jacked is high.

That's hot.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah...

You ever done anything like that?

What? Blast some fools?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And how did it make you feel?

Uh... Like a god.

Like a bad boy god?

Uh-huh.

Are you a bad boy?

You know it, girl.

- Gimme your foot. - What?

Gimme your foot.

No, take your shoe off.

What do you think of that?

Impressive.

All I do at night is think about your mouth on my dick.

Hm.

Okay.

Like you're sucking it.

No, I got it.

Well, I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh... fuck, girl.

You don't suck this shit now, I'm gonna explode.

Stop. Stop! Stop!

Please... stop!

I... I won't tell anyone. I won't...

I know.

I'm sorry.

No, you're not.

That looks like it is the last of it.

Wait a minute. What's that over there?

I don't know.

Why don't you go check it out?

It's got your picture.

And medals and stuff.

Wow.

Huh.

How'd you find this? I've been looking for this.

You were in war?

Well, John...

I was gonna wait to tell you this.

But... Ooh, let's do this on the swing.

Uh...

Yeah. I was in war.

I was a Marine.

- A soldier? - Yeah.

Marines are the best soldiers.

Some call me Marine. Other people...

Well, they call me a hero,

but I don't like putting labels on things.

You wanna keep that in your room?

You know, I found out some, uh, interesting information

about our buddy Abe Lincoln.

Turns out, he had a bunch of Native Americans killed.

Executed. Yeah.

He also proposed to Black people that they go back to Africa.

Got hundreds of men killed at Shiloh and Antietam.

News to me.

Saint Augustin?

The man was addicted to bathhouses, John.

Now, he's, what, third-most googled saint?

Something like that.

Gandhi?

The original hippie? Gandhi?

He, uh... Wait. I read it.

Gandhi, uh, what'd he do?

Oh, yeah. His wife had pneumonia.

Doctors said, "You gotta give her penicillin,"

but he said no because of religious beliefs.

But then, when he got malaria,

he said, "Give me the drugs."

Tricky.

Tricky legacy.

Fuck.

It's the other one, honey.

All right,

You and John go get in the bathtub.

This summer, she's back,

and she's looking for vengeance.

"Megagirls 4."

And he is incorrigible.

The Magical Boy."

I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do.

- It's fine. Where is he? - He's over there.

Okay.

- He said he's Gene Cousineau? - That's what he said.

- Did he show you ID? - He didn't have any.

He didn't come in a car. He walked up.

I don't think it's him.

Let me Google image.

What do you think?

I don't know. Both dudes are old.

Hi. Where did you come from?

I've been out of the country a long time.

Okay. And who did you wanna speak with?

I'd like to talk to the person who runs Warner Brothers.

Okay. About what?

Something that's come to my attention recently.

And what's that?

I would rather talk to him.

Well, I work for him,

so I think you'll need to tell me, and I'll relay it to him.

I would feel more comfortable talking to him.

Well, I can't do that.

Why?

Because I don't think you're Gene Cousineau.

Why?

Because he's been missing, presumed dead, for eight years.

If you're planning what I think you're planning,

you're gonna want to talk to me.

Keep him here.

Clean livin'.

My whole life has been a testament to clean livin'.

I never touched the alcohol,

the drugs, crappy food.

Hell, I've been married to the same woman since I was 18.

Years of clean living.

You'd think I'd be able to judge people correctly, right?

Yeah.

Well, I thank you, Emily.

Oh, hey, that's no problem.

You're a very brave woman.

Most people turn a blind eye,

especially with a punk like Bevel.

I think what took me in

was how much he reminded me of my grandson.

I thought some honest work

would show him the joys of clean livin'.

- And then... - He steals from you.

Till tappin' little bastard.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you two are angels.

I'll find a replacement soon.

I'm not surprised.

I've thought about tapping the till.

But I got such a guilty conscious.

Probably just end up blowin' my fuckin' brains out.

In honor of the finale of "Just Desserts,"

we sit down with Natalie Greer,

the mind behind a show that defined a generation.

So, we were on patrol,

and we came to this village

and two elders were arguing over who killed

the other person's donkey,

which was a typical occurrence over there.

And then, uh, a shot rang out.

And do you know who was shot?

Who?

Albert.

- Your best friend? - Yeah.

And I heard them shout my name.

"Medic! Medic! Get up here!"

So, I ran up there, and when I found him, he was all messed up.

He looked terrible.

And they told me, they said, "Clark, he's a goner."

And I said, "Not on my watch."

And I patched him up.

And I saved his life.

Did you kill the guys who shot him?

No, no, no.

No, my job was to protect our boys.

Just like I'm protecting you, John.

- I love you so much, Dad. - Oh...

I love you, too.

I love you too, buddy.

- _ - But it's just so crazy

to have gone from, like, being a chubby little kid

who loves cupcakes to then, all of a sudden,

you know, the President of the United States

is quoting our show at the State of the Union.

Like, how did... how did we get this lucky, you know?

Like, we're so lucky.

Do you know that we almost fired you season two?

Really?

Yes! Because you weren't good yet, you know?

- _ - Y-You were a kid,

so you were bad, but...

Barry!

Who's Barry?

Shh.

What?

_

They're making a movie about us.

I'm gonna have to kill Cousineau.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --