Original subtitles

[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

It was a hot summer day in Brooklyn

on July 14, 2022.

Alicia Renny smiled in the mirror of the basement

of the Holy Ghost of the Sanctified Aunties Church,

knowing she was about to marry the love of her life

but also not knowing this would be one of the last days

she would spend alive.

This is "Fresh to Def: The Black Culture Murder Podcast."

Every week we'll examine true crimes against the culture.

I'm your host, Dilly Byrd.

As Alicia walked down the aisle,

beaming at her fiancé, Brick Flowz, her heart sunk.

Something was wrong.

Her eyes floated

down the wannabe rapper's tux to his feet,

where he was wearing Lugz...

[eerie music]

With a tux.

But those boots weren't the only crime

that would be committed that day.

More after the break.

[air horn blares]

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Brooklinen!

[hip-hop music]

[eerie music]

After leaving Brick at the altar,

Alicia escaped to the Cayman Islands

to hide from the shame.

While lying on the beach,

a woman approached her and offered to braid her hair.

The only catch was, the woman was white.

Alicia looked around, but they were alone.

She agreed.

The woman expertly parted and plaited her hair,

giving Alicia the best braids she'd ever had in her life.

At the end, Alicia thanked her

and asked her her name.

The woman said, "Rachel...

Rachel Dolezal."

[air horn blares]

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a car that's driving you crazy, a job that's driving you crazy,

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[hip-hop music]

[eerie music]

After struggling

with the guilt of getting colonizer cornrows,

Alicia turned to the last place she could find solace--

the TELFAR website.

She ordered a small pleather bag

and waited.

But little did she know--

[air horn blares]

HelloFresh--I thought it was a mobile barbershop,

but it's really groceries!

She would wait for that bag until she died.

I'm Dilly Byrd, and this has been

"Fresh to Def: The Black Culture Murder Podcast."

[air horn blares]

Sponsored by TELFAR!

[hip-hop music]

[Doechii's "I Told Em"]

♪ We told 'em we was kings, we showed 'em the machine ♪

♪ I been gave 'em the keys, I been flew overseas ♪

♪ I been knew I'm a queen, I been knew I was free ♪

♪ I told 'em, I told 'em, I told 'em, goddamn ♪

♪ I been whippin' the rolls, I been bookin' the shows ♪

♪ I been takin' the hoes, they been calling me doe ♪

♪ I been pickin' the clothes, I been knew I was gold ♪

♪ I told 'em, I told 'em, I told 'em ♪

♪ Holla, ooh ♪

♪ I told 'em, goddamn ♪

♪ What you told 'em ♪

♪ The funk don't matter if it's not cross chatter ♪

♪ If the Black Lives Matter I would know ♪

♪ What you told 'em, what you told 'em, goddamn ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I would know, what you told 'em ♪

♪ What you told 'em, goddamn ♪

[dramatic music]

Okay, tassels. Ashé.

- Oh, damn, I'm ashy? - No, I was saying--

Ooh, good looking out, Nadia. Hoo!

[door opens]

Okay? Come on, hat.

Come on, suave and mauve.

Come on, when the saints come marching in.

Another jury could never. [door opens]

Ah.

Oh, well, turn to your neighbor and say "good morning."

- all: Good morning.

- Good morning. - All right.

Well, allow me to welcome you

to the Black Lady Courtroom,

where every day is justice

for just us. Ha ha.

Now we have our own space,

and we have our first case.

all: Black Lady Courtroom.

Black Lady Courtroom. [clapping hands]

Black Lady Courtroom.

Black Lady--

[claps hands]

- [chair scrapes] - Oh.

Trina, whoa. [chuckles]

You on the wrong side, girl.

Yeah, see, you the defendant. [chuckles]

You usually commit the crime, so...

Miss Bailiff, today I'm not a defendant.

- I'm a lawyer. - Huh?

What you talking about?

You are the group chat's most requested update.

They gonna gag when they hear this.

I got to get this on camera. Come on, girl, smile.

- Oh, okay. - Say "scam likely."

- [camera shutter clicks] - Look, ma'am,

I know my history with the court is more complicated

than Nick Cannon's Father's Day plans.

- That's complicated. - First, I was being sued.

Then I committed petty crimes to come back.

- A lot of them, yeah. - But now I'm proud to say

that I have worked through online law school,

and I'm ready to present a what?

Black lady lawsuit! [gavel bangs]

Trina, we have real cases to try.

Mm-hmm.

But if you happen to have some tea,

- you feel free to pour. - Hey, now.

All right, the case of our girl Trina versus...

W-who are you suing?

My old high-school bestie, Chloe M.

The case of our girl Trina versus Chloe M.

is now in session.

The Honorable and Fierce

Judge Anita Harper presiding.

Now, wait a minute.

- Where's the defendant? - I don't know.

But she's living rent-free in my head.

Hey, I really wanted to meet your bestie.

Yeah, me too.

Well, I guess we won't have

a Black lady lawsuit today.

- What? - Now, now there,

Black lady jury,

it's all right.

We will live to kiki another day.

[door opens]

Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.

My client was giving her dog a silk press.

Didn't go well.

What in the U-part?

What is this, a courtroom or a Bronner Bros. show?

- [chuckles] - Nikki, look!

I'm a lawyer now.

Now my former client's suing me

in a Black lady courtroom.

[laughs]

Ladies and ladies of the jury...

Oh, my bad, I thought the--the Black was silent.

Sorry. I apologize.

This woman runs through my mind more than a Nike ad,

and it is for that reason that I am suing her

for my brain space back.

- Go off, Langston Sues! - [chuckles]

Objection. Trina, that's not a thing.

But your Bantu knots are everything.

Okay, you better do it.

Well, can I get some love?

Because I just got my first Black lady objection.

- [weak clapping] - Nope. No, the beat.

- That wasn't good. - The beat was off.

You tried it, sis.

Chloe M. occupies a high-rise in my mind for one reason--

because she has hundreds and thousands

of followers more than me.

Objection. [giggles]

all: Aw.

- I want that on a T-shirt. - Oh, my God.

That's why she's so popular.

She doesn't even do anything but be cute.

Black lady hating.

I'm not.

Jury ma'ams, Chloe M.--

she makes shopping TikToks, recipe reels,

YouTube tutorials,

and everybody eats them up.

Me--I post homemade food pics, and I lose followers.

- Why? - Probably trash.

What is your at? Uh, you know, for the record.

You can follow me

at "If You Think I'm Cute, "Just Look in the Mirror,

'Cause I'm Merely a Reflection of You on Everything"

- all: Aw. - Girl, you better stop.

- What? - Oh, my goodness.

That's too many characters.

You can't even have an Instagram name that long.

Your Honor, I move that we protect Chloe at all costs.

Sustained.

What? No.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Everybody loves her...

and not me.

She's giving real "pick me" energy.

- Aw. - [sobs, sniffles]

Got to let them toxins out.

Go on and cry. All right.

Your honor, may I approach?

You may.

Thank you. Here I come, and now I'm gonna turn.

- Trina. - Huh?

- Hey. - Yeah?

Listen, don't worry about perfect Chloe over there.

Now, you just stopped scamming, what, two days ago?

Okay, but look what you've done.

You logged on to shemarmoorelegalschool.com,

and you got your degree, okay?

- You did that. - I graduated.

You graduated, and what did he give you?

A lap dance.

- A lap dance. - That's what he do.

Did your diploma say "baby girl"?

- That's the bonus. - Give it time.

One day you're gonna post a food pic.

Somebody's gonna like it by accident.

It won't be me, I promise.

If I could triple-tap it, I would.

all: Aw.

That means you just dislike it.

- I love you, Trina. - Don't care.

Judge, I move that Trina drop this case...

and then drop her skincare routine, 'cause you glowing!

- [laughter] - I'm glowing.

Trina, now, you know we love you, girl,

but if we all sued the people

that are running rent-free in our minds,

we would never leave the Black Lady Courtroom.

I move to strike...

a pose!

Hey!

Let's go, Chloe, hit that selfie.

Black Lady Courtroom.

Losing never felt so good.

It's all you do. [laughs]

all: Black Lady Courtroom. [clapping hands]

Black Lady Courtroom.

- Black Lady Courtroom. - You better get it.

- all: Black Lady Courtroom. - Hey!

- all: Black Lady Courtroom. - You better do it!

[upbeat music]

Hi, my name is Jazzterri Jackalterri,

but you know me best for playing Shantira the bailiff.

My ultimate goal is to make enough money acting

so that I can pay my way through college--

stripper college.

In fact, I just applied to MIT--

the Milkjug Institute of Tassels.

It's the home of the Thundering Titties.

Clear heels, full pockets, can't lose.

Except my pockets are not deep enough to attend,

because my parents--they refuse to help pay for my tuition.

And they would always say that they had my back.

Clearly, that didn't mean my pussy and my crack.

Any day I'll get the final word from financial aid.

So, until then, I just hope that my booty gets to pop...

instead of my dreams. [cell phone chimes]

Excuse me one second.

[gasps] It's an email from MIT.

[gasps]

Oh, I am gonna break down if I don't get to bust down.

Hear ye, hear ye!

On behalf of the Empress of Soul,

the Monarch of the Midnight Train,

the Righteous Ruler of Peasants and Pips,

Queen Gladys Knight I...

[chuckling]

I call to order this meeting

of the Knights of the Round Table.

[staff taps]

Today we welcome a new member.

I've known her since she was a pip...

squeak...

- both: Whoo-whoo. - [chuckling]

My niece Knight Olive.

It's such an honor to be a knight

at your Round Table, Your Majesty.

It really took me by surprise, I must say,

when I found out yesterday.

Welcome.

Seems like you're here on your own merits, definitely.

[chuckles]

Knight Olive, we'll start with your report.

What have you heard through the grapevine?

Good Knights of the Round... and Auntie,

I bring dire news of the bubonic plague

spreading through the villages.

Some people say you may die if you--

Oh, come on, come on.

Enough with these facts. You're a knight, not a nurse.

Crier, quit your crying.

She doesn't know how this works yet.

I've created this table

so that we may delight in tawdry tales.

- [chuckles] - Mm-hmm.

Now tell us something juicy.

Oh, this better be good, or I swear...

Seriously.

People's hands and feet are going gangrene.

- Oh, my God, come on! - Gangrene? Who is that?

Olive is boring us with her accurate news.

Okay, okay, okay.

Knight Agnes... [chuckles]

Show her how it's done.

What have you heard through the grapevine?

Mine ears were privy to the whispers

that Pellinore's infant's father,

Gareth of Galahad, spent all of his shillings on a griffin.

A griffin?

- Pellinore kicked his ass out! - Oh.

And he's been slumbering in the stables henceforth.

- Slumbering in the stables? - No, she didn't.

Is that why he's been walking around here

smelling like fresh shit?

- Grade-A shit, yes. - Dirty.

Let us find out the only stable relationship

he's been in is with a horse.

- Oh! Oh! - Oh, I knew it.

What are we doing? People are dying.

[mockingly] People are dying.

Well, I'm dying to hear your tea, Knight Matilda.

Spilleth.

Well, it's been heralded

that the kitchen wench, Bellamy of House of Knotless Braids,

brought much dishonor upon her tavern.

The lady proclaimed to have boar on the menu,

but guess who was caught skinning rats for supper/

- Very poor. - Oh!

- No mead, all shade. - Uh-huh.

If you season rat properly,

it tastes actually quite delicious.

With what?

You know the spice trade's been late since the Crusades.

That actually relates to my next herald.

This plague is being spread by rats.

- all: Skip! - Skip it!

[shouts indistinctly]

Three semesters at night school

did not prepare me for this.

Did it prepare you to shut up?

Ah, settle down!

Let's get back to eavesdropping it like it's hot.

- Knight Agnes! - Oh, yes, Your Majesty.

You heard tale of the Hapsburg family, yes?

Mm-hmm.

Lo, they are all cousins wed to cousins.

- all: Oh! - Cousins and cousins?

Meaning they are more inbred than a venison sandwich.

That's why their faces look like this.

Ooh.

- Top that, Knight Matilda. - Two bits, two bits.

- Lend me your ears... - Good habits, Matilda.

And harken these words.

Lancelot claims he went out and got the Holy Grail.

Alas, he went out and lost it, too.

Ooh!

He imbibed way too much mulled wine with Meg

and all of her stallions, if you catch my drift.

all: Ooh!

Is this heretofore or theretofore

his sneaky link with Queen Guinevere?

Guinevere, yes, I knew she was a ho.

- [laughs] - [shouts]

This is nothing like what I expected!

Nobody cares that the black death

is gonna get our Black asses?

- No. - No. Skip it.

Silence!

You say the word, Queen Gladys,

and I'll joust her into next week, I will.

And that's on Merlin

Oh, speaking of Merlin,

I heard that he was having trouble getting his wand up.

- [squeals] - The stone!

[fanfare plays]

[both gasp]

[suspenseful music]

- Magic! - Definitely.

Now, this is your last chance to prove yourself.

Knight Olive...

what have you heard through the grapevine?

[choral music]

On the way in, I saw two people fucking under a wagon.

all: Huzzah!

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

[gasps] I got in! Oh!

I am gonna be a Thundering Titty.

Fleshman class, here I come!

[scatting enthusiastically]

O-M-G-string.

Are you strip-teasing me?

[sighs] Tuition shot up faster than a V-I-Penis

in the champagne room.

And I can't take out any more loans.

I-I haven't even paid off my ass-sociate's yet.

Now I'll never get my bachelor's party degree.

I will just apply for financial aid

through Drake's God's Plan...

because strong women, they are seen and not heard.

Mm-hmm.

And by seen,

I mean through both sets of lips.

[giggles, smooches]

Mm-hmm, come through, bottomless mimosas.

Thanks for inviting me to Mary J. Brunch, Marie.

I don't want no more drama, Dawn,

but, wow, I have not seen you since Essence, girl.

Yeah, I did not know you were pregnant.

- Should you be drinking? - Oh, wow.

So now my festival baby can't get drunk when I do?

- You've changed. - Hey!

Oh, wow! Come on, bare faces!

I cannot go out in the world with ashy skin,

but y'all said, "Fuck it, we can."

Ooh!

Okay, have y'all been here before?

Uh, excuse me, but I paid a TikTok tween $200

- to do my makeup. - Hello. She cute.

Girl, don't waste your money.

With those concave cheekbones,

you're always gonna look like that.

Be you.

I did not know there was going to be hateration

all up in this bruncherie.

Yeah, uh, you're a negger. [item shatters]

- Whoa! Racist! - No--

Ma'am, we are not that kind of restaurant anymore.

No, a negger... [item shatters]

Like you're negging us.

Girl, you're like IKEA furniture.

You know, everything seems cool,

but then you just end up being a pain in the ass.

Wow, I don't think I'm doing that,

but you are so much older than me,

you would know better, my elder.

So what y'all want?

- A new waitress. - Yeah.

If I wanted to fight, I would go to Waffle House.

Girl, don't get mad. It'll give you more wrinkles.

Do y'all want to order,

or you want to change into some real clothes first?

Ooh, real clothes?

Baby, we are dressed for Mary J. Brunch, okay?

We are more on theme than Ne-Yo at a hat convention.

- Ha! Okay? - [laughs]

Okay, well, that's next week, so y'all kind of early.

- Say what, now? - Who gonna be next week?

Y'all are kind of crazy, but don't worry,

'cause you don't really command attention like that.

So what do you want-- something low-cal?

And why would I want something low-cal?

Oh, I just figured you were trying to lose weight.

- Not that you need to. - I'm pregnant.

- Wow, at your age? - I'm 32.

Ooh, congrats on finding somebody to knock up.

Okay, y'all want some refills?

You know what? Matter of fact, yeah, go get us

some more champagne, because I'm going down.

Okay, coming right up.

Kept it close, 'cause y'all look like drunks.

[chuckles] Hey.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Don't look now, but y'all finally got some attention

from my man--ha!

So did y'all decide what y'all want yet?

Yeah, we want you to treat us better

and stop acting like a negger. [items shatter]

Wow. I'm sorry.

Okay, my bad.

- It's just that I thought-- - Don't...

neg us again.

I'm not!

And, honestly, I am blind-sided by this.

Okay, well, I mean, we didn't--

Especially from two unemployed chicks at brunch

in the middle of the day.

Okay, free time.

Why are you being such a negger?

- Your mom's a negger. - Yes, she is.

That's why this is all so triggering.

Do you know when I graduated from Yale--

- What is it? - Yale.

Are you saying "jail" but, like, with a Spanish accent?

- It's a university. - Yale, Yale.

[Spanish accent] Yale. I went to Yale.

My mother got me a cake, and you know what she put on it?

"Congrats, you're almost as good as your brother."

The negger-dom of it all. [item shatters]

- You graduated? - Negger.

Negger. Negger! [item shatters]

Hey! Can you neggers keep it down?

We are not the neggers.

She's the only negger over here.

Negger lovers! [item shatters]

We don't even know her.

Wow, that sounds like amnesia.

It happens when you drink a lot.

It's probably gonna happen to your baby, too.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

I'ma need you to-- I'ma need you to stop.

- Get her, get her. - Okay?

Will you just please stop?

Do you think you can take some time

and maybe say something nice without negging?

Do you think that you can do that?

[stammers] I can try.

- Please do. - Your eye shape is unique.

- Okay. - Okay, there we go.

- We have a start. - Like a circus freak.

Your shoes are on trend.

- Thank you. - If it were 1970.

Sir, your mustache--

it could win a contest... judged by pedophiles.

Look, I am a trash person, okay?

And I was never told I was good enough,

so my love language is words of defamation.

I just insult people and insult people

and give them backhanded compliments

like a grandma at a family reunion.

And I won't ever change, because the truth is,

I'll do the best I can, and it'll never be good enough.

My negger. [item shatters]

Oh, excuse me, sir.

- Are those pancakes? - Yeah.

You should focus on eating them.

Okay. Sorry, Shania Twain.

Who are you calling Shania Twain?

That's what you look like.

It's really giving Shania Twain.

You don't remember the music video?

You look just like that. Is that not what you're going for?

You know what? I kind of can't unsee it now.

- Shall we order? - Yeah.

Okay, let's go. What can I get y'all?

You know what? Um, we'll get the chicken and waffles.

Okay, basic! But y'all do y'all.

[chuckles]

Team, we have one critical mission today--

bring home the unmanned Fashion Nova space rover

with no damage...

'cause if we fail, we lose our funding and our jobs.

Mm. [gasps]

Yes, Silia? [sighs]

I told you, I'm not Busta Rhymes.

You don't need to put your hands where my eyes can see.

- Sorry, sir. [giggles] - I prefer "ma'am."

I'm not judging your sexual preference, sir.

- It's ma'am. - Are you sure?

- Just spit it out, Silia. - Oh.

The words, Silia, not your gum, the words.

- Oh, sorry, ma'am, sir. - [sighs]

We have a new intern,

and I would like to welcome him personally.

[giggles]

His name is Chris.

♪ Nigga, bop, bop, bop ♪

Oh.

♪ 'Cause we never, never stop ♪

♪ Spaceships to the top ♪

- [giggles] Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

Uh, hey, my braids-- you could've got them.

You know what? I got you.

- You ain't got to worry... - Oh, yeah?

'Cause you could sit between my legs anytime.

- Mm, word? - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, I can braid your hair-- - Son.

- Yeah? - Clearly not read the manual.

You will address me as "sir."

I mean "ma'am."

- Mom. - Ma'am.

- Man. - Ma'am.

Moesha.

What does she have to do with this?

- Matlock. - Ma'am.

Monica versus Brandy, "The Boy Is Mine."

- I love that song. - [sighs]

Say "ma'am."

- Mambo sauce. - Ma'am.

- Mall of America. - Ma'am.

- Mandy Patinkin. - Ma'am.

"The Mask" with Jim Carrey. [alarm blaring]

Commander, the rover's entering Earth's atmosphere,

and it's coming in faster than a Tyler Perry script.

- Silia, show me what you got. - Certainly, sir.

Ma'am.

Oh, shit.

Ooh-ah, ooh, ooh.

- Let me ask you this. - Where's the image?

- He got braids like me? - Show me the image!

- Okay. [giggles] - [sighs]

Boop. [alarm blaring]

- Damn it! - This place titties on fire.

For the love of Angela's bassets!

- Pull up the rover's trajectory. - Okay.

We need to make a water landing.

Oh! Ah! Ooh, ooh!

- Oh. - Oh.

Silia!

Oh!

[grunting] Silia!

- You need me to smack her ass? - Absolutely not.

All right.

Silia! Silia! Silia! Silia!

She a'ight?

She's gone.

Oh, okay, you want me to leave?

I can take off.

Chris, right now you are my only hope.

I need you to take the Fashion Nova space oath

before I let you operate the rover.

So repeat after me.

I, Chris...

- Me Chris? - Yes.

I, Chris, do solemnly swear

to uphold the standards of Fashion Nova

on Earth as it is in space.

Now, to confirm it, just give me a verbal yes.

Yurp.

Oh, w-what?

- Yellowtail. - Yes.

- Yogurtland. - I just need a simple yes.

Yuzu. [alarm blaring]

What? No. Just a yes.

- You know what I mean? - Yes.

- Yikes. - Ya--Yes.

Yeti.

[screams]

- See? - Just give me a yes.

- Yippee ki-yay. - Motherfucker.

- Yes. - Yahtzee.

- No. yes. - Yoni egg.

I don't know what the fuck that is, but I need a yes.

- Yaki straight. - Aah!

Yes! Just--just say yes!

- Young Jeezy. - Jeez.

You are dumber than Silia.

I don't know how that's possible.

- Y...ahya Abdul-Mateen II. - No. Oh.

[alarm blaring] Oh, we don't have time

for these games!

The rover--it's crashing.

The squirrel that is manning that thing will die.

The fashion world needs you, Chris.

Come on, just give me a yes!

- Kind of feisty. I like that. - Okay.

[dramatic music]

- All right, I got you. - [exhales sharply] Great.

- Just say yes. - No doubt.

No. Yes.

No stress.

I am stressed.

- Say yes. - To the dress.

Have you ever heard the word yes?

- I fucks with it. - Okay, great.

- The just--just say it. - It.

[screaming, crying]

[grunting] Who needs a yes?

[screaming] Come on!

[screaming]

Just say yes!

I mean, I feel like I said it.

Oh, your shit blew up.

Oh, I'm sorry, guys. My ass shots make me sleepy.

- Hey, girl. - Oh, no!

My discount...

and the squirrel.

- Midnight. - Ma'am.

Marauder. "Monday Night Football."

"Murder, She Wrote." Mammary.

Malcolm-Jamal Warner. Mozambique.

Maternity ward. Mm, mm, good.

Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this.

You ever been with a nigga who's gainfully unemployed?

I take '90s hip-hop classes on Saturdays and Wednesdays.

- Oh, that's cute. - So don't get into it.

At what senior center?

The ones with the funny-looking--

What is happening here? What's wrong with her?

Right now we need to lift up Trina

in the light of the Black Lady Courtroom.

[all clap hands] That was your last chance.

- You want to try it again? - Y'all cute. R&B.

- You want to do it with-- - Y'all cute. R&B.

- Chloe will do it with you. - No, I don't want it.

Never mind.

Maybe this could be a nice moment to reconcile.

Objection. Sustained.

Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.

My client had to borrow her afro products

from the lady of rage, and she took a while to deliver.

Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.

My client was applying her makeup with a crayon

and lost track of time.

Forgive me, Your Honor.

My client was auditioning for "Black Panther 3"

and lost to an actual black panther.

Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.

My client was making a charcuterie board

and ran out of board.

Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.

My client was doing a "Get Ready With Me"

and forgot to get ready.

- all: Black Lady Courtroom! - Hey!

- all: Black Lady Courtroom! - Wait a minute, Shantira.

Wait a minute!

[bright tone]

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