Original subtitles

Previously on Young Sheldon...

Paige?

I'm so happy to see you.

Are you happy to see me?

Not immediately.

I don't usually see young people at my lectures.

I enjoyed your paper on accelerator mass spectrometry

and wanted to find out more.

- And you? - I read this magazine.

- Uh-huh. - It has puzzles, too.

Well, I think my parents are getting a divorce.

- Why? - They fight all the time.

- I guess I'm lucky. - Why?

I'm the glue that holds our family together.

What do you think of these?

They're nice, but you're already taller than John.

Won't they make that worse?

No, makes it better.

He likes me to be dominating.

I don't want to hear that.

Sometimes he makes me wear these when we're... messing around.

I said I don't want to hear it.

I wanted to say it.

All right, I don't have the Sperry loafers in your size,

but I do have the Hush Puppies.

I don't wear brown Hush Puppies penny loafers,

I wear brown Sperry penny loafers.

- But they're exactly the same. - Well, do they come

in a box that says Sperry penny loafers?

Because that one says Hush Puppies.

Just try 'em on, honey.

- What if I like them? - Well, then we'll get them.

All right, let's go over this again.

I don't wear brown Hush Puppies penny loafers,

I wear brown Sperry...

Would you give us a moment?

Happily.

When we get to the Hello Kitty store today,

remember I was the good child.

Oh, hi, Mary.

Linda. So good to see you.

- Hi, Sheldon. - Hello, Paige.

- Hi, Missy. - Hi!

Look at these rain boots... They have ducks on them.

And the ducks are wearing boots.

Those are so cute.

- Well, what a nice coincidence. - Yeah.

Good to see you.

Yeah. How are things?

Well, at the moment,

trying to get shoes for Sheldon,

but they only have these, not the ones he likes.

Ah. You know, I think that brand is the same kind Einstein wore.

Well, I've never seen a picture of his feet.

And you're a grown-up, so you wouldn't lie to me.

I guess I have no choice but to believe you.

All right, I'll try them.

Great!

Hey, Mom, can Missy and I go to the Hello Kitty store?

Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with Mary.

It's okay, but you better be on your best behavior.

I will, I promise.

Go ahead.

Boy, you steal one pencil sharpener

and you never hear the end of it.

How do they feel?

My brand loyalty is being severely tested.

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Did you guys know Paige speaks three languages?

Really? That's impressive.

You only speak one.

Two. I'm learning conversational Klingon.

That's impressive, too.

Hey, Mom, can Paige sleep over this weekend?

I guess, if her mother says okay.

Wait, where is she going to sleep?

In your bed. You can sleep on the couch.

Absolutely not.

I've already changed my brand of loafers,

I am not changing my sleeping quarters.

How about you stay at Meemaw's? You like that.

No, Meemaw has a date.

So?

So if those shoes I just bought

do their job,

that will be a "no children allowed" scenario.

Well, I'm sleeping in my bed, and that's that.

Fine, Paige and I can share my bed.

You okay with that, Shelly?

I trust you two will stay quiet throughout the evening

and go to sleep at the appropriate time?

Absolutely.

All right, then. I'm okay with it, Mom.

How is he ever gonna get through this world?

Welcome, come on in.

Oh, thank you.

You look nice. Going out to dinner with your husband?

Ugh, no. Girlfriends.

Hi, Sheldon.

Hello.

What are you doing?

Chemistry homework for extra credit.

Cute, I did that last year.

Paige!

Missy!

Aw, they're so sweet.

Yeah, life'll suck that right out of them soon enough.

- Well, bye. - Bye.

You got to meet my dolls... I told them all about you!

"Cute, I did that last year."

Thank you for agreeing to the early-bird dinner.

When I eat too late, the food just sits right here.

Yeah, gettin' old is no party.

Oh, I've had this problem since I was ten.

When I was in grade school, my nickname was Old Burpy.

Well, I will not be calling you that.

You can if you'd like.

I'm good.

So, I have a little surprise for you.

Oh, I love surprises. Whatcha got?

I'm going to learn to drive.

Really?

Yes.

While I love having you be the dominant personality

behind closed doors, I think out in public

I ought to take on more of a macho role.

Well, you're macho enough for me, John,

but I would enjoy not having to drive us all the time.

Then it's settled.

Well, when do you start?

As soon as you teach me.

Me? Do you really think that's a good idea?

It's perfect. I teach you about science

so you can impress your grandson,

and you teach me to drive so I can impress you.

Okay, but if we do this, I'm in charge.

You have to do what I say when and how I tell you to do it.

Hubba-hubba, it's like we're back in the bedroom.

Did you know that tea was discovered by accident?

I didn't, but I don't know lots of stuff.

The Emperor Shennong of China was boiling water in his garden

and a leaf from a tea tree fell into his pot.

Tea comes from trees?

Where'd you think it comes from?

The supermarket.

What, the girls leave you out of their little picnic?

Oh, they invited him.

Well, then why ain't you out there?

Eat outdoors? Do I look like a hippie to you?

I thought Paige was your friend.

She's more of a colleague.

Oh.

Although for reasons unknown,

she's currently behaving like a ten-year-old.

Maybe that's because she is a ten-year-old.

Still no excuse.

All right, I'm just gonna come out and ask it:

what the heck is a colleague?

Okay, pick a number.

Three.

One, two, three.

Now pick a color.

Pink, duh.

The name of your future pony is...

Sparkle Sunshine.

I would totally name it that!

Sheldon, do you want to have your fortune read?

Absolutely not.

And I cannot believe a person as smart as you is doing it.

Why? It's fun.

He doesn't know how to have fun; he's an old man.

I'm not an old man.

Oh, yeah? What's your favorite color?

Khaki.

Old man.

I'm trying to sleep.

Come inside and play with us.

Don't invite him.

This is a girls fort,

not an old man fort.

I'm not an old man.

Then come inside.

Are you crazy? It's bedtime.

Old man.

What are you doing?

We're tying Georgie's ankles together.

So when he gets out of bed he falls down.

But he could get hurt.

If we're lucky.

Well, I will not be a party to this.

Old man.

That's when the bloodthirsty Goatman...

Part goat, part man...

- Crept up on the sleeping children... - No.

...and sank his sharp little teeth into their necks...

No.

...and drank their blood!

No.

Problem?

Several. First of all, goats are herbivores.

They don't eat meat, let alone drink blood.

Maybe the half man part drinks blood.

Don't even get me started on the "half man" stuff.

Sheldon, it's just a fun scary story.

It's nonsense is what it is.

Old man.

I'm not an old man, I'm ten.

More like 110.

You know, I read that adults who had a stunted childhood

often become social misfits and weirdos.

You didn't read that, you're making it up

like your goat story.

Psychology Magazine, February issue, 1988.

Well, um...

That doesn't make it true.

Guess you'll find out when you're an adult.

I guess I will.

Well, we know how this story ends.

I grew up to become a well-adjusted

and charming fellow. But at that moment in time,

she had me worried.

Hey, Georgie, breakfast. Mom made Eggos.

Eggos, sweet.

Ow! Dang it!

Oh, dear.

What?

Paige was right.

"There's ample evidence to indicate

that a stunted childhood can cause one to be maladjusted

as an adult."

Then I'm screwed.

What do you mean?

When I'm not in school, I'm doing homework.

When I'm not doing homework, I'm practicing my cello.

And when I'm not doing that,

I'm working in my parents' store.

That must be why we're friends.

We're both stunted.

Sounds right.

Well, I for one plan to do something about it.

Like what?

I'm going to goof off, engage in horseplay,

and if time permits, be quite immature.

If time permits?

I have homework, too.

Would you like to join me in my shenanigans?

No, thanks.

Aren't you concerned about being a maladjusted adult?

Nah. I'll just marry an American woman

and hope she can fix me.

I'm usually the one giving the tests,

but, uh, today I'm taking one.

No talking.

And I usually say that to my students.

What?

How's it going?

I can't tell you. There's no talking.

- No talking. - Sorry.

Mind if I join you?

Doing what?

- Swinging. - Seriously?

Yes. It's my hope to feel the wind in my hair

- and be carefree. - Um, okay.

Sheldon threw up on me. Sheldon threw up on me!

Okay, rearview mirrors.

Um, all set.

Turn signal left. Turn signal right.

Um, foot on the brake.

Transmission in drive.

You have to start the car first.

Of course.

Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.

You're not alone.

And here we go.

This is crazy.

I'm doing it.

Excuse me, I was hoping to purchase

some practical joke paraphernalia

so that I may behave childishly.

Rack in the corner.

Thank you.

"If it's funny, it's a Bazinga."

Interesting.

Yellow light. Yellow light!

It's okay, keep going.

But yellow means slow down.

You can't slow down in the intersection!

Keep going.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

Go. Go!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh...

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, we're fine.

Nobody got hurt.

I don't think I can do this, Connie.

Of course you can. We're just getting started.

No, it's too much information. I can't process it.

It was just a yellow light.

Not just the light. There were other cars.

There's pedestrians.

- There was a guy on a bicycle. - So?

That's just too many random elements.

The-the-the stimuli are overwhelming.

Okay. Okay.

I'm sorry. I know I'm letting you down.

Oh, don't be silly. You're not letting me down.

I love you whether you can drive or not.

You love me?

Well, I...

I suppose I do.

Am I allowed to reciprocate?

Sure, if that's the way you feel.

Oh, it is.

I love you, too, Connie.

Well...

That's just great.

All righty.

Would you like to switch seats with me?

Yes, but give me a minute

because my legs are a little wobbly.

Is that from the yellow light or the "I love yous"?

Both.

Dad, would you care for a piece of gum?

No, thank you.

Please, take a piece of gum.

Why?

Just please.

Bazinga.

You understand any of that?

I don't know, I guess he's just being a little boy.

Since when?

Georgie? Georgie?

What?

Would you like some salted mixed nuts?

Nah.

Look, they're the fancy kind.

That's a trick can.

No, it's not.

Listen. When you shake it, there's a rattling sound,

as if nuts are inside.

Fine.

Bazinga.

Sparks residence, Billy speaking.

This is the electric company.

Hello.

I'm calling to see if your refrigerator is running.

I'll go check.

I'm back. It's running.

Well, then you better go catch it.

Bazinga.

This is Connie Tucker.

Leave a message when you hear the... beep.

Hello, um, Meemaw,

this is Sheldon.

If you were home, I was going to say, "Is Mr. Wall there?"

And then you would say, "No."

And then I would say, "Is Mrs. Wall there?"

And then you would say, "No."

And then I would say, "Well, if there are no walls,

then how does your roof stay up?"

Um, okay. Bazinga.

That was pathetic.

It was.

I'm not sure I'm cut out for these antics and shenanigans.

I guess you're gonna grow up to be a weirdo.

I suppose I am.

Life is so confusing.

I always hoped it would be easier for me

when I grew up, but...

...now I'm not so sure it will.

It's gonna be all right.

You were faking?

Bazinga.

And that's how I became

the madcap prankster all my friends know and love.

So, John, how was your first driving lesson?

Intense.

At one point,

I was approaching an intersection.

The light was green, but at the last moment,

it turned yellow.

I didn't know what to do.

Should I keep going? Should I stop?

There were other cars nearby.

Connie was yelling.

A glare from the sun was in my eyes.

So, what happened?

Somehow, I managed to make it through,

turned on my directional,

and slowly pulled

to the side of the road.

That's how you tell a scary story.

In lighter news, your meemaw loves me.

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