All language subtitles for We.Love.You.Sally.Carmichael

♪ Yellow wings floating,
floating in the wind ♪

♪ Flickering and glowing, glowing
like a flame against the sun ♪

♪ Burning bright as anyone ♪

♪ It's the first day of spring
and the last day of your life ♪

♪ Spider webs dancing,
dancing in the wind ♪

♪ Silver and silken, silken
like the hair upon your head ♪

♪ Lying in your last bed ♪

♪ It's the first day of spring
and the last day of your life ♪

♪ Mockingbirds perching,
perching on a limb ♪

♪ Singing up to heaven
for her to let you in ♪

♪ We've got to know ♪

♪ That it's time to let you go ♪

♪ It's the first day of spring
and the last day of your life ♪

♪ Hot water rising,
rising in the pan ♪

♪ Soak through the corn and make a
pudding sweet for one last time ♪

♪ What you like
is what I'll find ♪

♪ It's the first day of spring
and the last day of your life ♪

♪ It's the first day of spring ♪

♪ And the last day
of your life ♪

Subtitles by explosiveskull

[reporter] This is Clara
Forester for ABC4 News.

And we're now mere moments away

from the historic worldwide
release of "Crashing Tide,"

the third installment of the wildly
popular Siren saga from Sally Carmichael.

Today, the young-adult series that
chronicles an epic love story

between a young woman
and a merman

has sold over
90 million copies worldwide,

and this installment is
expected to put that number

well over 100
in a matter of days.

Once again, the response
from critics has been brutal.

The New York Times said Crashing
Tide was, at best, juvenile,

at worst, the very worst.

Meanwhile, Sally Carmichael, the
series' notoriously private author,

hasn't responded
to any criticism,

as her identity remains
clouded in mystery.

Rumored to be a Mormon wife and
mother living right here in Utah,

the elusive writer has never
granted a single interview

or made any kind of
public appearance.

- [woman] Andie, hurry.
- [girl] Sorry, Mom.

Well, with the release
of this new novel

and the Siren movie
adaptation in the works,

there appears to be no end
to Sally Carmichael in sight.

[all] We love you,
Sally Carmichael!

[all cheering]

We need to kill
Sally Carmichael.

[woman] Have you seen
the first day's numbers? Hmm?

2.5 million units in one day?

You don't kill an author
with those numbers.

Okay. But think of the
publicity if we kill her.

How many books
would that sell? Huh?

You know, that's
actually interesting.

Okay. Okay.

So we kill her after the seventh
book once your contract is up.

No. I cannot write
four more Merman books.

- I cannot.
- Okay.

- I do not have it in me.
- Okay. Well, I'm sorry.

But a contract is a contract.
There's nothing we can do about it.

You're my publishers.
It is your contract.

You can do whatever
you want with it.

Just an expression.

I'm sorry. I don't understand.

I thought the whole idea
of inventing Sally Carmichael

was so that you could write
whatever you want under your name.

Yes. But I've been writing
as Sally for so long,

I'm having a really hard time
writing anything else.

Please, please kill Sally

before she sucks away
what is left of my soul.

See, that right there, that flair
for the dramatic, it works.

Look, we didn't come here to talk
about killing Sally Carmichael, okay?

Look at me. We came...

to talk about
Perry Quinn, ah!

I-I don't understand.
What about Perry Quinn?

[giggles]

He's interested in the movie.

Perry Quinn is interested
in being the Merman?

- [woman] I know.
- He's at least ten years too old.

- That's ridiculous.
- It's Hollywood.

Oh. Oh, that's ridiculous?

How about a little movie based on the
Six Flags ride about the Cavemen?

Uh-huh. And how about
three sequels and $3 billion!

How's that for
ridiculous? Huh?

- Yeah. Yeah. That's ridiculous.
- [laughing]

Think before you speak.

Just one thing.
Perry wants to meet Sally.

There is no Sally.

He knows that,
and he's excited

to meet the visionary who
created this entire phenomenon.

No. No way.

- [sighs] -Okay. Well, of course
we can't force you to do it.

But we can sue you
if you don't.

That's right. We can sue.

What are you talking about?
You can't sue me.

That's not part
of my contract,

and you can't tell anyone
who I am.

Well, we're not going to.

Perry is willing to sign
a non-disclosure.

Randall from Legal has been going
over your agreement. Randall?

[Randall] Your contract states that
we have to protect your anonymity,

but you're responsible for the actions
on your part that can harm...

- Has he been here this whole time?
- Shh.

Considering Quinn's willingness to sign a
non-disclosure, it's a reasonable request.

Your refusal to meet with him would
constitute a significant loss

of potential revenue
for the film series.

And that would be actionable.

Okay. Bye, Randall.
Thank you.

So, I'm sorry, I'm afraid we can't
let you not meet Perry Quinn.

Fine. Sue me.

I've hardly spent any of
my Merman money anyway.

Oh, no, no. We're talking about a
lot more than your Merman money.

- Oh, yeah? How much more?
- [woman] Oh, a lot more.

Plus, with a lawsuit
like this, I mean,

you know, there's no way the
media isn't going to discover

that you're Sally Carmichael.

You... I'm...

You flew all the way out here
to threaten me?

Oh, no, no. No, no.

Threat is not
the right word at all.

We came out here
because we care about you

and we want you to know
what will happen

if you don't meet
with Perry. Ooh!

What is this?

Ah, it's an address of a local bookstore.
3:00 p.m. tomorrow.

Ask for I-sambard.

I-sambard? I was
gonna say Is-ambard.

- Is-ambard?
- I've only seen it written down.

- [woman] Is it Turkish?
- Who is Isambard?

Oh, Perry is a bit eccentric.

Just, whatever he wants,
just do it his way.

- To avoid a lawsuit.
- [laughter]

It's so true.

- I'm just kidding.
- [woman] Anyway...

But, you know...

[pop music playing]

♪ Heavy on my eyelids ♪

♪ Concrete in my shoes ♪

♪ It's over ♪

♪ It was a dream ♪

- Hey. Can I help you?
- Oh.

Sorry. I didn't mean
to startle you.

- I'm Tess.
- Hi. Simon.

- I knew it.
- You knew what?

Don't worry. I'm not
a stalker or anything.

This is my bookstore. You did a reading
here years ago for Crossing Through.

Yeah, yeah. I remember, but I
don't remember anyone being here.

I was here.

I was here anyway,
'cause I work here.

But I read your book,
and I loved it.

You did? And...

I'm sorry. You did?

Yes. And yes. Yes.

Um, you working on anything now?

Um, sort of.

Can you tell me about it?

- Not really.
- Come on. One spoiler.

Well...

let's just say I'm trying to figure
out a way to kill someone off,

but I think I'm stuck.

Well, good luck or

break a leg, whatever it is
you say to writers.

Yeah, thank you.

So can I help you
find anything?

Oh. Um, maybe.
I'm looking for...

This is gonna sound ridiculous.
I'm looking for Isambard.

Is that a book
or an author?

It's a person.

It's a work thing. I'm
supposed to meet someone here.

Oh. Well, you know, there are a
whole bunch of chairs in the back.

You're welcome to hang out
as long as you want.

And if anyone named Isambard
walks through the door,

I will know what to do.

Well, thank you very much.

My pleasure, Simon Hayes.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah. Just...

- Just back there.
- Oh. Thank you.

[woman 1] Truly loving someone
means truly accepting that person.

[man 1] Yeah. Like, this Alexander
really a person, though?

[woman 2] Yeah. Of course he is.

You know, he's a merman,
but he's still a man.

- [man 2] You here for the book club?
- [man 1] Hey. Come on in.

Take a seat, my brother.
Come on.

Welcome. Hmm.

No.

Come on. Take a seat.

Good times ahead.

Thank you.

Alexander gives up
everything for Sarah.

- Everything.
- Everything.

Yeah. For sure.

Meanwhile, I can't even get
Craig to meet my parents.

Shh, stop.

You know, falling in love with a merman is
actually a metaphor for eternal marriage.

- See that?
- I read it in an article.

- Where?
- Online.

- Interesting. Online.
- Yes.

[woman] If Sarah's love for
Alexander was strong enough,

- she could breathe water. That's true.
- [woman 2] Yeah, right.

I feel that.

[man] So you think
fins on men are hot?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Hot like in that red
flag sort of way, like, "What?"

When you're surrounded
by a school of sharks

and you need find someone
to help you fight them off,

I mean, then let me know if you
still think that's a red flag.

- [man 1] Yeah. I got you.
- [man 2] Hey. Spoilers.

I'm only on page 207.
So, please, shut up.

You've had two days.
The spoiler embargo is over.

Yeah. How have you not finished this book?
I couldn't put it down.

How long do you
think it takes

to build something so manly yet
so beautiful at the same time?

Seriously, it's awesome, bro.

- It really is.
- Yeah. Uh, uh, uh, uh.

I've got two words
for you. Merman abs.

- I know. Thank you.
- [man] We live on land,

but our bodies are mostly water.
Think about it.

Sally Carmichael, it's like she
was writing about my life and me.

Or at least what my life could've been
like if I fell in love with a merman.

- [man] Yeah.
- Oh, come on.

Hey, what's your problem, man?

Sure must be easy
judging something

that you don't even know
anything about.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Good one.
- I know.

All right. Do you wanna
know why you feel like

this book could be
written about you?

Because it could be
written about anybody.

The main character
is an empty shell.

Have you even noticed those books
don't provide any real description

about Sarah other than
her general age

and the fact that she has
red hair and a yellow coat?

That's not true. It says that
Sarah is insecure and shy.

- Mmm-hmm.
- And a bit of a klutz.

- Nailed it.
- Vague character traits that anyone can identify with.

Sarah is never described
with any real detail

so that any reader can plug
herself right into that part

and feel like the story
is being written about her.

And look at you.
You two are dressed like her.

This is not literature.
This is fantasy fulfillment.

Okay. Just because
it isn't Shakespeare

doesn't mean
it isn't literature.

It is Shakespeare. It is.

Shakespeare wrote this
over 400 years ago.

He called it
Romeo and Juliet,

and people have been
ripping it off ever since.

This isn't even a good one.

This is page after page of
manufactured romantic garbage

written by someone,
who, apparently,

is capable of writing
anything better.

Sally Carmichael has a gift.

Hemingway had a gift.

Salinger had a gift.

The ability to write emo
merman porn isn't a gift.

It's a joke.

- You're a joke.
- You're pathetic, man.

At least we agree
on something.

- No Isambard?
- No Isambard.

That was some speech
you gave back there.

You heard that?
I'm sorry.

- I'm-I'm leaving.
- No. Wait...

I mean, I thought
it was interesting.

You thought
that was interesting?

- Yeah. It was intense...
- [clears throat]

- ...but interesting.
- Yeah.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

Have you ever thought about
writing for a newspaper?

Oh, no. I mean,
I'm not a journalist.

Oh, I'm not talking
about a real newspaper.

I publish the Valley Voice.

It's a small indie paper.
Local stuff.

You run a newspaper
and a bookstore?

[sighs] If I was good
at either of them,

I'd probably quit the other,
but here I am.

And... Well, I wouldn't know the first thing
about writing a newspaper article, so...

What about an editorial
about the Siren phenomenon?

Why critics hate it
and readers love it?

But I can't. I shouldn't.

You could write down
what you said back there,

and having a published author would
give the Valley Voice a bit of

much-needed credibility. Plus,
you'd be doing me a huge favor.

I, uh...

- When do you need it?
- Anytime.

As long as it's by the
end of the day tomorrow.

I know. I know. I just had a writer
bail on me, and I'm stuck here,

otherwise, I'd do it.

What do you say, Simon Hayes?
Help a big fan out?

Please?

Yeah. All right. Okay.

Just promise you'll try
to keep your expectations low.

I can't promise. I will try,
but I will try to try.

Um, here is my info.

This is my cellphone
and my email,

so call me or email me
or text me, whatever.

Tess Perkins.

[sighs]

- I should go.
- Yeah, you should.

[cell phone vibrates]

♪ When everyone's asleep,
including the computer ♪

- Can I help you?
- Yeah. Simon Hayes for...

Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

Just a minute, Mr. Hayes.

Have a nice day.

♪ The things you never did,
the things you never will ♪

♪ The way she talks, you'd think
she didn't know you were hard ♪

♪ The way she talks, you'd think she
didn't know you were hard to kill ♪

♪ Hard to kill ♪

Hi. I'm Phillip. Perry
Quinn's executive assistant.

- Hey. Simon.
- Come on in.

[opera music playing]

Can I get you
something to drink?

Water? Vitamin water?
A beer?

No. I'm fine. Thank you.

Mr. Hayes is here.
All right.

He's ready for you.

Simon Hayes.

Hi.

Sally Carmichael.

[chuckles] Amazing.

I mean, they told me,
but come on.

This is incredible.
You're incredible.

And no one knows?

Everyone thinks
you're some Mormon mom?

Well, I'm Mormon.
I'm not a mom, obviously.

Oh, yeah.
Mormons are great. Yeah.

- Can I get you water? Beer?
- I don't drink.

- I'll get you water and beer.
- I don't. I don't...

I knew this artist
in Chicago.

He had this entire show
at the contemporary art center.

People loved it great.

Turned out
it was all garbage.

Literally garbage.

Stuff he found in dumpsters
all around town.

No one knew. It was incredible.
Incredible.

Not to say your
books are garbage.

I mean, they sold over
100 million copies.

How bad can they be, huh?
[laughs]

Ah, you'll be surprised.

You're modest. I don't like that.
Don't be modest.

Just tell me...

why Perry?

- "Why Perry" what?
- Why Perry Quinn?

- Why not Perry Quinn?
- Why Perry Quinn for this movie?

How? I don't know.
Why not Matthew McConaughey?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

- But I'm also serious.
- Oh.

If I'm gonna commit
to this hoax,

I need to know why you
want me, Perry Quinn?

Right. It-It's not a hoax.

Right. Right.
It's performance art.

You're an artist,
but if I'm involved,

I have a lot invested, too.

Right. Listen. I think there's
been a misunderstanding.

- I'm not an artist.
- I told you. No modesty.

Ah. Uh...

Why don't you
tell me the story?

Well, it's about a merman.

And the young woman
that falls in love with him.

- Right. Right.
- Yeah.

- Just tell me the story.
- You haven't read it?

Well, why would I ask you to tell
me the story if I'd read it?

Yeah. I guess I just didn't realize
I was here to tell you the story.

Why would I want someone who didn't
write the story to tell me the story?

I mean, I don't want someone who's
not Japanese make me sushi.

You understand
what I'm saying?

I doubt it.

That sounds really good right now.
You want some sushi?

- You wanna go for sushi?
- Oh, no, no. Phillip will get us sushi.

Um...

Listen, Perry...

- you're a great actor...
- Mmm-hmm.

...and I'm sure you'll
be great in this movie.

But I have to tell you, I think
you're talking to the wrong person.

I'm not writing
the screenplay.

I have nothing
to do with it.

Then why are you the one
pitching it to me?

Uh, well, because they told me
you wanted to meet me.

Reverse psychology.
You're good, man. Smart.

I tell you what. I'll have
Phillip read me the book,

and I'll think about it.
I really will.

And that's fair.

It's a real pleasure to
meet you, Simon Hayes.

Come on.

Uh... Sorry.
Uh, there is an audiobook.

Read by some audiobook narrator?
No, thanks.

I'll stick with Phillip.

You know, he's got a BFA from the Lee
Strasberg Theatre and Film Institute.

- Okay.
- Ah, sushi, yes.

See you, Simes.

Awesome.

Which one's the
California rolls?

So, this kid Lucas has been
tracking me all week, right?

Trying to get the drop on me.

So, yesterday,
I sneak up behind him.

Kid's got no idea I'm married.

[Darren] Simon,
just do it his way.

I mean, to avoid a lawsuit.

[laughter]

The kid, he's got
time to practice.

I got a job. I got a family.
I'm barely online.

Mmm-hmm. Ellie,
not at the table, okay?

But Alexander is about to stand trial
for revealing his species to a human.

He can stand trial
after dinner.

Are we still
working out tomorrow?

'Cause Lucas likes to
show up online around lunch,

and I'd love to be there
when he does.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I completely forgot.

I booked this little job.
My deadline's tomorrow morning.

Like a "job" job?

Ah, well,
it's a little article.

- For what?
- The Valley Voice.

And that is?

Exactly. It's just a little
independent newspaper.

The owner said she was in a bind
and asked me if I could help.

"She"?

Yeah. She. So?

You two were just
chatting it up?

What does that mean?

[laughs] Nothing. It's just...
You don't ever chat anyone up.

What are you talking about? I chat. I'm
chatting you up right now. I'm very chatty.

- We're the only people you ever chat up.
- That's not true.

[Brad] And we only talk
because you're my brother.

Uncle Simon, is she pretty?

Look, you guys are reading
way too much into this.

This is just a tiny little article
in a tiny little newspaper

- that no one's ever gonna read.
- How did you two even meet?

Well, we met at this little
bookstore which she also owns,

which is not important.
Look, I was there to meet...

[Brad] Who?

Never mind.
Guys, it's nothing.

This is really something.

That's a relief, 'cause I was
only going for "not horrible."

I'm not kidding, Simon.
I mean, it's pretty harsh,

but you really seem to get how
and why these books work.

You know, you should
write a young adult novel.

You could probably
make a million bucks.

I even love the title.

The New York Times
number one best sellout.

Do you have
a recent headshot?

Uh, no, why?

For the byline. I can just
grab a quick one right now.

Oh, no. That's okay.
We don't need that.

Bad hair day?

Uh, no.
Sorta have a thing.

What kind of sorta thing?

Uh, cameras. I'm not great in
front of them. It's a thing.

So you're camera-shy?

Well, that's one way of putting it. The
other way would be anxiety disorder.

Your way's nicer.

Well, that is a thing.

Yeah. I-I had a full-blown
panic attack

during tenth grade
yearbook picture.

It's the kind of thing that sticks
with you well past graduation.

Maybe you're looking
at it the wrong way.

Maybe you're just super-awesome
at stage fright.

[chuckles]

No worries. I can just use
the picture from your book.

And if it's any consolation,

hardly anyone's gonna
see it anyway.

[door opens]

- Hey, babe.
- Hey, Mom.

Andie, this is Mr. Hayes. He's
helping me with the paper.

Hi. It's nice to meet you.
You can call me Simon.

Hi, Simon.

Mom, my friends
are on their way.

Can I go out front
and wait for them?

Sure. Say hi to
Avery's mom for me.

- [Andie] I will.
- Bye, Andie.

Bye.

[Tess] I've been so busy today.
I skipped lunch.

You hungry?

[Simon] Thank you.

[Tess] You know, I wasn't kidding
about the young-adult thing.

[chuckles] I wouldn't want
my name on something like that.

Still, can you imagine having created
something that wildly popular?

We're still trying
to talk places

into giving the Voice
away for free.

Wait. You're not online?

We are, but I don't know,
it's stupid.

Hey, don't forget. You're talking to
the yearbook pic panic attack guy.

Well, ever since I was in high school,
I dreamed of having a real newspaper,

one that, you know,
you carry under your arm

and take home and cut stuff out
of and paste into scrapbooks.

So your high school dream was to
start a newspaper in the 1930s?

I told you it was stupid.

No. No, I get it.

You have the chance to do something
you've always wanted to do,

and you wanna do it right,
and you wanna do it your way.

Exactly. Why should I spend as
much time and effort on something

unless it's something
I'm gonna be proud of?

Yeah.

Can I ask you
a personal question?

Uh, sure.

Are you proud of your book?

Yeah. Crossing Through?

Yeah. Unless there's another book that
you wrote that I don't know about.

I-I was proud of it
when it was published.

And then?

Then nobody read it.

I read it. I'm somebody.

You certainly are.

Besides, whoever said that
the value of a book

is measured in how
many copies it sells?

- Everybody.
- Not me.

And you're somebody.

I certainly am.

[commentator] Forty-love.

So whatever happened with
that girl at the bookstore?

Her name's Tess.

[Brad] She has a name then.
That's progress.

Well, it's just work.

- Please tell me you're working it while you work.
- [game chimes]

Come on. I'm not like you.

[chuckling] But you could be.
You just worry too much.

It's funny you should say that.
I told her about my anxiety.

- Really?
- Hmm.

I wasn't planning on it.
I just...

I don't know. I guess I felt
comfortable and then it just came out.

- Well, how'd she react?
- Fine.

No weirdness.
No judgment. No nothing.

And now somehow, you're gonna
find the bad news in all this.

Well, I was doing her
a favor at the time,

so how was she
supposed to react?

And there it is.

That's not looking
for the bad news.

That's painting
the full picture.

Okay. Well, paint the full picture
for me, then. Is she pretty?

She is beautiful.

And now you're worried
that she won't like you

now that she doesn't
need something from you.

No.

- Maybe.
- Yeah.

Well, just wait and see.

- [game chimes]
- You'll know.

How will I know?

You'll know when you know,
'cause you know. Ha!

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, sorry.
- Mr. Hayes.

Hi. I'm Phillip. I'm Perry
Quinn's executive assistant.

Yeah. Hey, Phillip, we've met.
Please. Just Simon.

- Thanks so much for coming.
- Yeah.

Perry is so excited
to talk to you today,

but he's prepping
for a big scene,

so he's staying
in character all day.

- What does that mean?
- Oh, it's nothing to worry about.

He's still the same old Perry.

But he's also Isambard
Kingdom Brunel,

creator of the Great
Western Railway.

It's no big deal, really,
but just make sure

that you address him
as Isambard.

- You're kidding.
- No.

He's ready for you.

- [toilet flushes]
- [Isambard] Ah.

Simon, old chap.
Jolly good to see you.

- Isambard?
- Is-ambard. Is-ambard.

- Is-Is-ambard.
- Can I get you anything?

Water? Ale?

- Sure. Water.
- Water.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

I just finished your novel, and
it was the most hilarious book

Phillip has ever read to me.
Just extraordinary. [laughs]

You thought it was hilarious?

Are you jesting? I mean,
you sold millions of books

about a girl who falls
in love with a bloody merman,

and no one knows it's a prank.
That's hilarious.

Ah, Phillip, thou hast brought
hither the water, my man.

- Lovely.
- Thank you.

So, I don't have
much time today,

but I wanted to tell you
face-to-face.

I'm in.

You're in? The movie?
That's great.

I've just got to work
with the old sport.

I... Well, I'm not working
on the movie.

Right. Right.
But what's next?

Uh, what do you mean?

You see, there's one thing
I know, it's story.

And the real story
here is you.

You see, I said yes
to this movie

because I'm in the
Simon Hayes business.

And I want to know what
you've got planned next.

I'm all ears.
I'm on pins and needles.

[clears throat] Uh...

- Listen, Perry...
- Isambard. Isambard.

Isambard, I, uh...

- I'm thrilled you're doing the movie. I really am.
- Me, too.

But I don't have
anything planned next.

This whole thing
was just a fluke.

Fine. Fine.

- No. I'm serious.
- Sure. Sure.

Scout's honor.

What does that mean?

You're going to do something
with the Boy Scouts?

What? No. No.

I'm just a writer.
I'm not even a good one.

Do you know what you are?
You are an artist. Yes.

Do you have any idea
how rare that is?

- I really don't.
- No. No.

No. A true artist wouldn't.

See, you're the kind of chap
that comes once a generation.

Maybe less. You have a gift.

Uh, Isambard?

Isambard. Yes, yes.
I drive art.

I support art.
I nurture the creation of art,

because I understand that art

has the power
to change the world.

That's my job.

That's my gift to the world.

I know you're going to do something.
I don't know what it is.

- But...
- Shh.

But I'm ready.
We're in this together.

Embrace me, my friend.
Embrace me.

We're in this together.
Together. Do you hear?

Ah. I'm never letting go.

- Cute bag.
- Thanks.

Did you steal it
from a homeless person?

It was my dad's.

Your dad's homeless?
That's so sad.

[giggling]

Hey, honey.

Andie?

Hey, couldn't you hear me?

[sniffles]

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Are you sure?

Some people are
just jerks sometimes.

What happened?

Honey, I need you to tell me
what happened, please.

Just some girls from school.

They made fun of my bag.

You know we can always
get you a new bag.

A really cute one.
If you want.

I like this one.

I know.

Some people are
jerks sometimes.

[cell phone vibrating]

- Hello, Darren.
- [Darren] Dude.

What did you do?

What do you mean?

I just got off the phone
with Perry's agent.

He said Perry loves you.

No, correction. He said
Perry's "in love" with you.

This call isn't about
to get weird, is it?

[laughs] No! I just wanted to
let you know, great work, man.

No. I'm happy to help as long as
it means you're not gonna sue me.

[laughs] You are hilarious.

Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.

What? What does that mean?

Nah. I'm just messing with you.

He's gonna sign
the deal, all right?

So, of course,
we're not gonna sue you.

Right. But what if he doesn't?

But he will, right?

- But what if he doesn't?
- Okay.

You are a riot, Simon.

- We'll talk to you later.
- Wait. Wait. Wait.

Darren, what if he doesn't?

Oh, well, who was
on first? [laughs]

Relax. Nobody's gonna get sued.

But if anyone does,
you'll be the first to know.

- No. Darren...
- Take care, buddy.

Darren?

[phone chimes]

[phone chimes]

[phone chimes]

So, you're ten...
11...

- 12.
- 12. I said 12.

[Tess] I hope you like
spaghetti, because...

I know how to make spaghetti.

It's spaghetti Tuesday.

I wanted to try Taco Tuesday,
you know, for the alliteration...

But I don't like tacos.

And none of the days
of the week start with "spa."

- We checked.
- That's true.

Do you mind?

- [Tess] Sure. Go ahead.
- Simon.

Would you rather have
three ears or no ears?

- Uh...
- Don't look at me. It's your question.

Well, may I ask where
the third ear would be located?

In the middle
of your forehead.

Oh. Well, in that case,
definitely three ears,

'cause I could hear what's
coming, and I'd be unstoppable.

Would you rather wrestle
a bear or a shark?

Well, if I'm on land,
a shark,

because it wouldn't be able to breathe.
But if I'm in water,

a bear, because
bears can't swim.

- Bears can totally swim.
- But not as good as sharks.

- Hmm.
- Would you rather

eat a used Band-Aid
or a dirty dish-rack?

Hmm. I'd actually try both.

Dish-racks have more flavor.

[both] Ew!

Would you rather...

find a zombie
or get struck by lightning?

Zombies aren't real, and people don't
really get struck by lightning.

- Oh, yeah. Sure they do.
- Nah-uh.

Thousands of people get struck
by lightning every year.

- Really?
- And there are seven billion people on the planet,

so the chances of you getting struck
by lightning are really small.

Still, gotta happen
to somebody.

[imitates crackling]

Uh, Andie, what do you
wanna be when you grow up?

A writer.

Oh. A writer, really?

She's my little reader.

I love to read, too.

Yeah. But I don't like to
read the same stuff you do.

What do you mean?
Why do you say that?

Because I love the Siren books,
and you hate them.

Ah, come on. I don't...

Yeah, I kinda do hate them.

Did I neglect to mention that
my daughter is a huge fan?

- Yeah.
- I read the first two books twice,

and I'm almost done
with the third.

Yeah. When I got her
the first one,

she carried it around
everywhere with her for months,

and now the cover's
falling off.

The book is totally warped.

Should probably get her a new one before
she catches some gross disease from it.

So what do you
like about him?

I don't know.
They just make me happy.

Oh, and I heard that Perry Quinn
might play Alexander in the movie.

You are not a Perry Quinn fan?

Are you kidding?
He's so awesome.

If he's in the movie,
I will die.

- Hey.
- Sorry.

Careful.

She doesn't usually warm up to new
people as quickly. What's your secret?

Ah. I'm emotionally stunted.

Some kids gave her hard time
after school today.

Just girl stuff.
No big deal.

Still, you probably
wanted to murder them.

Right, and their
little jerk faces.

She's just so gentle.
I mean, you know bullies,

if they sense any
vulnerability, they...

Oh, I used to get bullied
when I was in middle school.

My dad told me the kid was picking
on me because he was scared of me.

It made absolutely no sense,
'cause he was twice my size

and just pummeled me weekly.

What?

Yeah, well, there's something.

Sorry. I just...

There's probably no
perfect time to say this,

so I guess I'll just decide
that now is the time to tell you

that her dad died
four years ago.

Uh...

I'm so sorry.

See? And then you
feel sorry for us,

and I tell you
that it's okay,

'cause it was a while ago,
and it really is okay.

You don't believe me,
so I reassure you

and that could take forever.

So can we just skip
past that for now?

Uh, sure. Yeah, for now.

Opening the bookstore
was his dream.

The newspaper was my thing.

We decided that we would work
on his first and then mine.

And then...

I can't abandon
the store, but...

I'm not really ready to give up
on my plans yet either, so...

Now I'm doing both, and I'm probably
not doing either very well.

Mostly, I just wanna make sure
I'm doing enough for her.

Hey. Come on. You are.

How do you know?

Huh.

Spaghetti Tuesday.

[dramatic music playing]

[Brad] Get that guy.
Get that guy.

Will you relax?

Don't tell me to relax.
You do your job.

You kill that guy,
then I'll relax.

We need new hobbies.
Like real hobbies.

I work at a Credit Union,

and everyday is literally
the same as the day before.

Do not take this
away from me.

All right. All right.

- What happened with Tess?
- Well, still happening.

Ah. Is anything happening?

I don't know.
I think. Maybe.

- [Lucas] Who's Tess?
- Who's this?

That woman that Simon's been
seeing from the bookstore.

Oh, right.

That's just Lucas.
He's cool.

Sorry. Go ahead.

Well, I'm not
seeing her, exactly.

Wait a minute.
Who else did you tell?

- Relax. He's from Pittsburgh.
- [Lucas] Portland.

It's the same thing.
Don't change the subject.

So what's the deal?

All right. When you were single,

did you ever keep something
from someone you met

just because it was
personal or private,

but then when you really
started to get to know her,

you just kept not telling her

so it kind of turned from a
personal secret into sort of a lie?

Well, look, when I was single,

there was a lot of things I didn't
tell a lot of girls I went out with.

Yeah, but this is kind of big.

- Well, do I know?
- No.

So tell me, and then I'll tell
you if you should tell her.

I'm not ready
to tell anyone.

- [Lucas] You can tell me.
- [both] Shut up, Lucas!

All right. Just tell her
on your own schedule.

You'll know when
the time's right.

I'll know when I know,
because I'll know.

[Brad] Precisely.

- Hey, Lucas.
- Yeah?

Look behind you, buddy.

- [Lucas] No. No, wait!
- Yippee ki-yay!

[whistling]

[music playing]

♪ You're a dark sky ♪

♪ Hanging over me ♪

♪ With a thousand silver tears ♪

♪ Ready to fall ♪

♪ At this calm pace,
we head for harm's way ♪

♪ There's no doubts now,
you know that I am taking you ♪

[song continues on car stereo]

♪ Be my thunder going up,
be your rain ♪

- ♪ Make your... ♪
- [music stops]

Uh, excuse me.

Are you the guy that wrote the
article about the Merman books?

- Uh, yeah.
- Uh, I thought so.

You just look so familiar.
Great article, by the way.

Well, thanks.

You know, the woman who owns the newspaper
is gonna be really happy someone read it.

You know, my sister
loves those books,

and I just keep telling her
how awful they are,

so I showed her your article,
and now she hates you.

So nice work.

Thanks, and sorry.

You're welcome,
and she'll be fine.

She really said that?
She said her sister hates you?

Well, let's not forget
the "nice work" part.

That's a reaction.
That's two reactions.

If those two people share it
with two more people,

and those four people
share it with four more people,

that's 16 people
who read the Valley Voice.

Before you know it,
that's like a billion people.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, babe. How was school?

- Good.
- Math test?

- 93.
- Nice.

- This weekend, we mini-golf.
- Yes!

Um, I might have something
that's better than mini-golf.

Really? What?

Well, it just occurred to me
that a nice girl like you

shouldn't have to walk around
with a beat-up book.

It's not classy or hygienic.

And I just happened
to have this

first edition
just hanging around.

And let's be honest,
I'm not gonna read it,

so I got to thinking, "Who do I know
that would get good use out of this?"

Me!

[sniffs] Mmm!

What are you doing, weirdo?

It smells good.

Open the front cover.

[squeals] No way.
No way. No way.

What?

She signed it.

Sally and I have the same publisher.
I called in a favor.

- Mom, can I go call Avery?
- Sure.

Hang on. Aren't you
forgetting something?

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Oh. You're welcome.

Is that real?
You can tell me.

That's the author's signature.

It's nothing.

That girl she's on
the phone with

never even talked to Andie before
they started reading the Siren books,

and now they're
joined at the hip.

She used to be so shy and...

closed-off. Um...

I tried everything
I could think of

to break her out of her shell,
and nothing worked.

To be honest with you, I was
getting kind of worried about her.

And then I got her
that book, and that.

She started talking more.
She made new friends.

She's reading all the time.

Have to take the books
away from her

so that she'll go
to sleep at night.

[chuckles]

Those books have done
so much for her.

So, what you did,
that's something.

- [Andie] No, no, no. It's real.
- Yeah.

Yeah. I'm gonna
read it so many times.

It's probably, like,
my tenth time reading it.

[Simon] What you
guys doing here?

[woman] Simon, we need to talk.

Uh, is there a problem?

Perry Quinn is out.

What? No.
He said he was in.

Now he changed his mind, and someone
has to be held accountable.

We are suing you for damages.
We have no choice.

- For-For how much?
- Well, more than you have, I assure you.

Well, you're gonna
have to work it off.

That means more Merman novels.

Well, how many more?

- Well, as many as it takes.
- No. No.

He said he was in.
This isn't my fault.

You're gonna have to start doing
interviews and book signings.

[clamoring]

You can't do that.
My contract.

You don't have a contract anymore.
Everyone's gonna know.

You're going to be the author of
Siren for the rest of your life.

- [man] What's the matter with you?
- Ew, gross.

- [man] What?
- You can tell me.

[grunts]

[Tess] Are you proud
of your book?

Sally Carmichael!
You are an artist.

[Simon] What do you wanna
be when you grow up?

[man] Hey, what's
your problem, man?

A writer.

[Isambard] An artist.

- [choking]
- [indistinct voices]

[gasps]

[panting]

- [man] What can I get ya?
- [Simon] Hey, I'll have the chicken avocado, please.

Yeah. That's $8.50.

There you go.
Keep the change.

Thank you.

Simon?

Thanks. Thank you.

Wait a minute.
How did you know my name?

Seriously, you should probably
Google yourself, buddy.

How did you find out about this?

The guy at the food truck
told me to Google myself.

When did I become Google-able?

I submitted the editorial
to the Associated Press.

I didn't really think
anything would come of it,

but it looks like some papers
picked it up. Big papers.

And tons of blogs.
Simon, you've gone viral.

- This is not good.
- This is great.

What if someone finds out?
What if...

People are reading something you
wrote, and they're loving it.

"Simon says Siren sucks.
I say Simon sucks."

That's one tweet.

"I hope Simon Hayes dies
and so should you."

You're trending.

- Some of it's gonna be good. Some isn't.
- [phone vibrates]

I don't even know
what "trending" means.

- [cell phone chimes]
- What is it?

- Uh, it's a drunk text.
- [phone ringing]

Answer it.

Uh, it's an unknown number.

If it's important,
they'll call back. Tess?

Simon's phone. This is his assistant.
Who I may say is calling?

- Uh-huh.
- Before you say anything...

It's a producer from
Good Things Utah.

Hello?

Uh, yes. This is he.

Um, well, thank you.

Well, that's...
Oh, really?

Uh, can you hold on
for just a second?

They wanna interview me
tomorrow morning.

- What you gonna say?
- I can't. It's TV. I can't.

Can we take a look at his schedule
and call you back? Thanks.

- No, no, Tess. I can't.
- I know.

I'm just thinking of,
you know...

[sighs] I gotta sit down.

Simon, it's okay.

You don't have to do this.

Wouldn't it be great
publicity for the paper?

Well, yeah, sure,
but that does not matter.

- Of course it matters.
- Hey!

You don't have
to do this. Okay?

Yeah. Okay.

[interviewer] You okay?

- You feeling okay?
- Uh...

You look a little nervous.

Uh, a little.

[cameraman]
And we're back in ten...

- [exhaling]
- [interviewer] Just be yourself.

- You'll be great.
- Hmm.

[cameraman] In four,
three, two...

Yesterday, he was a writer with only one book
to his name that few people had heard of.

But today, Simon Hayes is being
talked about all over the country

and across the Internet, and all
because of a single article.

Simon, thank you
for joining us today.

So, tell us what happened.

Uh... [clears throat]

Well, I wrote an...

[sighs] An article.
Is it hot in here?

[interviewer] Simon, you're not the
first person to criticize these books,

but you've really hit a nerve.

Do you think that's because you
attacked the author personally?

- No way.
- [Simon] Uh...

Hmm...

Can you get Simon
some water?

So let's take a look
at your title.

The New York Times
Number One Best Sellout.

- Mmm-hmm.
- That's a pretty personal attack, isn't it?

It was... Shakespeare.

- What?
- Shakespeare.

Okay, so I'm not
a Sally fan myself,

but a lot of people
out there really love her.

Well, I love Sally Carmichael.

Great. And you seem intent
on provoking these fans.

Your article implies you understand
exactly how Sally Carmichael

manipulates her audience
and why, that's pretty bold.

Uh, you know, she's an empty shell.
Mmm-hmm.

And just 400 years of
just copies. Just copies.

I'm sorry. I'm just looking at
several people behind the cameras,

including our producer,
who disagree with you.

Looks like we have lot of Sally
Carmichael fans in the studio today.

- [retching]
- Oh. Whoa!

Simon, thanks for
being here today.

I hope we weren't
too rough on you.

- And now let's turn to the weather...
- [Simon coughing]

...where, here, we might
have a chance of moisture.

[Simon retches]

[panting]

[phone vibrating]

- Hello?
- Simon, it's Phillip.

Perry Quinn's
executive assistant.

I know who you are, Phillip.
What can I do for you?

Perry wants to know why you
haven't responded to his text.

He only sent one text.

Right. And he wants to know
why you haven't responded to it.

All it said was,
"You dog."

And he wants to know why
you haven't responded to it.

[sighs]

[Phillip] Simon?

[laughing] You.
You, man, you.

"I don't have anything
planned, I swear."

Except for puking
on live television.

You think I planned that?

No, I think you accidentally
booked the live TV appearance.

Man, it looked so real.

- It was real.
- Everything about you is real, man.

On live TV. I wish
I'd have thought of that.

You want to puke
on live TV?

No, man,
that's your thing.

Now no one else
can do that.

You own that.

You own it. I mean, I've done
a million talk shows and...

I've done anything memorable.

But you got your shot,
and you took it, man.

On live TV.
So they can't stop it.

It's all over YouTube.

Simes, you did something
that will last forever.

I bow to your brilliance.

- Namaste.
- Don't do that. Why you doing that?

- Stop it.
- No. So what's next? Tell me.

You signed your
movie deal, right?

- Oh, you better believe I did.
- Great.

- Yeah.
- That makes me very happy.

You know, you've no idea
how that makes me feel.

So, what's next?

What's next?

- Okay, you just make sure...
- Yeah.

- ...that you do that movie...
- Yeah.

...and when the next thing
happens, you'll know.

How will I know?

You'll know when you know,
because you'll know.

[laughs]

We're gonna make history, man.

Except we won't. Because no one
knows I'm Sally Carmichael.

- Right. Right. Of course.
- Right.

Of course. Yeah. Hmm.

- Perry?
- Hmm?

- No one can ever know.
- I know. I know.

I mean, you know, maybe, maybe,
eventually, historically, in the future?

- No, no, no.
- When we're dead.

- In a time capsule.
- Not eventually.

No. There will be
no time capsule.

- There will be aliens coming.
- No. My publishers signed a contract.

- You signed a contract.
- I've signed a lot of contracts.

I've been sued before. What's
the worse that could happen?

- Was...
- Huh. Yeah.

[laughs]

Got you.
I'm kidding.

Okay? We're in
this together, man.

Come on. You can
count on me, son.

You can count on me. Give me a hug.
Come on. I love you, bro.

Yeah? It's gonna be good.
We can do this.

We can do this.
It's gonna be good.

Good. Good. Good. Huh?

- ...studio today.
- [retching]

Oh. Whoa.

It could've been worse.

How?

You could've had a stroke.

That worse?

What?

How did all this happen?

Dumb luck.

Dumb, stupid, crazy luck.

- Hey. Hi.
- Hey!

Hi. School. How was it?

Good. Hey, Simon.

Oh. Hey, kiddo.

Mom, you almost ready?

For what?

For soccer.
It's our day.

We're supposed to pick
Avery up in ten minutes.

Right. Go get changed.
I'll go get my purse.

[man on TV] ...accepted an unwarranted
concealment of pertinent facts...

- Fire up.
- Therm here,

your Quest Star Gas
energy-wise guy.

[Perry] A lot of people
were hesitant about

an actor of my stature
releasing a country album.

Well, you're definitely an artist
that's known for taking chances.

I mean, it's just been confirmed

that you'll be playing Alexander
in the big Siren movie adaptation.

That's right.

Alexander the Merman.

Alexander the Merman.

Amazing. I, for one,
can't wait to see you in a fin.

- But what I really wanna know...
- Mmm-hmm.

- ...is the same thing everybody wants to know.
- Mmm-hmm.

Have you met Sally Carmichael?

- I've met Sally.
- Amazing.

What's she like?
What does she look like?

Tell me everything.

Well, you know, she's a lot
different than you'd expect.

Yeah? How so?

Well, for one,
who says she's a she?

[chuckles]

Wait. Are you saying that
Sally Carmichael is a man?

- What you doing?
- Maybe I said too much.

No. No, you can't drop something like
that on us and leave us hanging.

- No, I can, really.
- No, you can't.

- [Perry] Okay. Okay. Okay.
- Don't you dare.

Maybe she's a he.
Maybe not. How's that?

If Sally Carmichael
is a man, say nothing.

Perry, stop. Stop. Perry?

- [man] I knew it.
- [Simon] But you...

Heard it? Or didn't
hear it here first.

- Perry Quinn...
- Perry...

...says Sally Carmichael
is a man.

- Is he someone we know?
- No. No. No.

- I... I can't.
- Perry, you can.

- [Simon] No, you can't.
- No. I really can't.

You have to.
You have to.

No. No. No. No.

You can make history
right here, right now.

- This is huge.
- Oh, shucks, man.

- Come on, Perry.
- Perry?

Okay. Okay.
You wanna know who it is?

- Yes.
- No.

- No.
- You really wanna know who it is?

- Yes!
- No!

It is Simon Hayes.

[distorted] No!

The guy who
wrote the article?

- [phone ringing]
- The very same.

[exclaiming]
This is amazing.

Hold on. So, you're saying
that Simon Hayes...

- Hello?
- [man] Is this Simon Hayes?

- Yes.
- Hi, Simon.

My name is Dave Sinon
with Buzz magazine.

I'm just calling to confirm the
statement made by Perry Quinn.

Is it true that
you're Sally Carmichael?

[interviewer] But, you know,
he's not a girl. He's a boy.

[alarm beeping]

Hi.

I've had 17 reporters call me
in the last half hour.

17.

I stopped answering
after the first nine or so,

because they all asked me
the same question.

Am I Sally Carmichael?

Of course, you can't be.

Right? Because that's
ridiculous, right?

- Tess, I was...
- Using me for a publicity stunt?

No. No. Not ever.

Then you're not
Sally Carmichael.

You don't know Perry Quinn, and the two of
you haven't been planning this whole thing.

No. But... Yes. I mean...

No. Yes.
I am Sally Carmichael,

and yes, I have been meeting
with Perry about the movie,

and yes, I have been keeping
all of this from you.

But it was never
a publicity stunt.

And I was never taking
advantage of you. I swear.

I mean, why?

Why would you do all of this?
Why would you do any of it?

I mean, I wrote the article
because you asked me to.

And the rest just happened.

Just, um, stupid,
crazy luck.

You wrote that article.
You watched me publish it.

You watched it go viral.

You went on that talk show
to promote it.

And then...

And then you kissed me
on that couch,

and at no point during all
of that did it occur to you

to say to me, "By the way
I'm Sally Carmichael."

I've never told anyone
I'm Sally Carmichael.

- You told Perry Quinn.
- But that's different. I had to.

So is there anything you've
told me that isn't a lie?

Yes. Yes. Everything.

Except all of this.

I know the newspaper
isn't important. I get that.

- But it is really important to me.
- It's important to me, too.

Then you had to have known how stupid
all of this would make me look.

I didn't know Perry
was going to do that.

Tess?

I'm ashamed of
Sally Carmichael.

I never wanted anyone to know I'm
Sally, because I don't wanna be Sally.

You signed that book
for Andie, didn't you?

And you let her
think it was real.

It is real.

She's just a kid.

Simon, what's the
matter with you?

I need you to leave.

Yeah. Okay.

- Just hear me out.
- No. I can't. I can't do this. It's too much.

Please. Just... Just leave.

- Can I help you?
- Oh. Hey, Simon.

I'm with the Herald. I was hoping
I could speak with you about...

No.

Hey, it's a good chance for you
to tell your side of the story.

[indistinct voices]

[phone chiming]

[sighs]

[Tess] This is Tess Perkins.
Please leave a message.

Okay.

Oh. Hey, good girl.
Hey, it's a good girl.

That's a good... No. No!

- [dog barking]
- That's a bad girl.

Bad girl. Ah. Ah!

- Bad girl. Ah. Come on.
- [girl screaming] Mommy!

[Simon] It's okay. It's okay.
It's testing. It's fine. Ow!

- [dog continues barking]
- Stop that. Ahhh!

Ah. Okay.

[groans]

[newscaster] According
to Perry Quinn,

Simon's the real author
of the series.

[woman] So the whole
thing's a big joke?

[man] Well, I could
have told you that.

[newscaster] We're still
figuring all of this out,

but it looks like Simon Hayes is both
the guy who trashed Sally Carmichael,

- and Sally Carmichael.
- [man] That's actually pretty hilarious.

[newscaster] Well, the fans
of the series aren't laughing.

I mean, some of them say
they're gonna boycott the movie.

There is even
an online petition

to boycott the Valley Voice,
the paper that published...

Move. Move.

[woman] Seeing here that the
petition appeared online last night,

and it's already gotten
over 10,000 signatures.

[newscaster] Wow. I didn't know that
many people even read the Voice.

[man] I don't think they did
before Simon Hayes showed up,

and I doubt that many ever
are gonna read it again.

Hi. I need to see Perry.

Oh, I'm sorry. There's no
one here under that name.

No. No. Isambard.
Whatever the password is.

Thanks.

Unfortunately, he's requested
not to be disturbed,

but if you'd like me
to leave a message...

Hey. Hey!

You can't just
go up there.

Stop me.

Hi, I'm Phillip. Perry
Quinn's executive assistant.

Ah. Okay, before you
say anything,

I can see you're upset.

But I want you to know I think
it's totally understandable.

- What, you think?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

Oh, I can sense your
negative energy, man.

There's no reason why we can't have
a positive dialogue, you know.

I said some things.
You said some things.

No, you said some things.
I didn't say anything.

You're right. But it was
gonna come out eventually.

- How?
- In one way or another.

It's all right, Vinny.
You can let him go.

You know what? No.
It was one way. You.

Now I realize you live
in this little bubble

where none of your actions
have any real consequences,

but they do affect other people.

Hey. So the cat's out of
the bag. You should be happy.

- I did you a favor.
- How? How is this a favor?

Well, you know, you can finally start
enjoying this. Come on, Simes.

This is fun.

I don't know if you've noticed, but
being famous is kind of awesome.

Oh, I'm not famous.
I'm universally hated.

Oh, I get that. I get that. You know, you
should've seen how the nerds freaked out

when we tried to
reboot Quantum Leap.

It'll pass. I promise.

What about Tess?

What's Tess?

Tess is the woman who owns the
newspaper that ran the editorial.

She's a good person. She
doesn't deserve any of this.

- Look, we all played our part.
- No. She didn't know.

- She didn't know?
- No.

And now she thinks
I exploited her

and made a joke
out of her newspaper.

- You kinda did, right?
- Well, yeah.

But I was gonna tell her
and...

We were talking about
what you did.

I think I'm falling
in love with her.

And now she thinks I'm a liar,
because I'm a liar.

Oh, that's rough.
I'm sorry, man.

It's gonna be all right. So...

What's next?

I wanna go back to my old life
where no one knew who I was.

- But I can't do that, can I?
- You certainly can.

- Hmm.
- We can fix this.

- Great. How?
- I don't know.

But it's exciting, right?
It's a challenge.

Did you know, in Japan,

they use the same word
for "crisis" and "opportunity"?

Or maybe it's in China, or ancient...
Let me find out.

I'm going home.

Simes, hey, you know, they told
me I couldn't make a movie

where the detective and the serial
killer were the same person.

And I think we know
how that turned out.

$400 million domestic.
$1.2 billion worldwide.

This is nothing. Simes, we got this.
Come on.

[reporter] The only public
footage available of Simon Hayes

since the announcement last night was caught
outside of Hayes' house, this morning.

[man] Let's see that again.

- Ah.
- Ooh.

Guys, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before
this, but you understand why, right?

- Right?
- Sure, of course. I understand.

You know, it is
a little weird,

this whole time,
and we never knew.

What are you gonna do now?

I don't know.
What can I do?

So this whole time I could've been telling
people that I know Sally Carmichael?

This whole time?

There's big question
nobody is addressing.

I'm just gonna
put it out there.

You gotta be, like,
super-rich, right?

- Brad!
- What've you been doing with all that money?

You couldn't have bought yourself a
bigger house? A nicer car? Something?

And you know Perry Quinn?
You guys are, like, friends?

Sort of. At least, I think
he thinks so. I don't...

Do you think you could get him to, like,
pick me up after school sometime,

just once, so I could
blow everyone's minds?

I'm sorry. I've just got to
circle back around here.

[chuckles]

How much money are we talking about
here, man? Just ballpark it for me.

It... Uh...

[school bell rings]

I saw your dad
on the street yesterday.

I gave him a dollar
and said hi for you.

Scored.

Oh, my.

Excuse me, girls.

I'm looking for Andie Perkins.
One of you know her?

Thanks.

Andie?

Andie?

Hey.

I'm Perry.

Do you have a second?

Yeah?

[phone chimes]

What?

[man] It's smart to do
simple things. Huh.

This is the first public
statement from Simon Hayes

since the now-famous allegation
that he's the real author

of the popular Siren franchise.

[exhales]

[clamoring]

And it looks like Simon Hayes is
stepping up to the microphones now.

Uh...

Hello.

So, um...
[clears throat]

Uh... I'm...

Yeah. I'm...

I'm Sally Carmichael.

And I wrote the Siren novels.

For the fans of the books...

- It's Perry Quinn.
- ...I just want to say, I've been a real jerk,

and I'm sorry.

What a guy.
What a guy.

[Simon] I... Sally Carmichael is my way
of protecting my privacy, and it...

It grew into something else.

Wow.

[Simon] Um...

Thank you.

Uh...

This way. [muttering]

I just wanna make
one thing clear.

No one at the Valley Voice,

the newspaper that
printed my editorial,

was a part of any deception or had
anything to do with any of this.

Really good.

Please don't punish the paper
for something that I did.

Okay.

Tess Perkins,
the owner of the Valley Voice,

she didn't even know
who I really was.

I wasn't honest with her.

At the same time,
I was deceiving everyone else.

I don't know if the fans
are ever gonna forgive me.

And, frankly,
I don't expect them to.

I don't know
if I deserve that.

But...

Okay.

Oh.

Tess?

If you're watching,
and I really hope you are...

I just wanna tell you...

[reporter] Sorry, folks. It looks like we're
having some trouble with our live feed.

Uh, we'll get you back
out there as soon as we...

- Got it?
- Somebody call 911.

- [reporter] There's some sort of accident.
- [man] Don't touch him.

- Pick it up.
- Check his pulse.

Could you tell us
what's going on?

Okay. For those of you still
watching, I have some breaking news.

Simon Hayes has been
struck by lightning.

- I'm told that he's unconscious...
- [gasps]

- [screaming]
- Paramedics are on the way.

Genius!

[Tess] Simon? Simon?

- [Simon] Tess?
- Simon?

Simon. Hey, buddy.

Come on, Sime.
You're all right.

- Where am I?
- Oh, you're in the hospital.

- What happened?
- Oh, you were struck by lightning.

- What?
- You were struck by lightning.

On TV, and it was awesome.
The whole thing is online.

When you slow down
the footage like I did,

you can see the exact moment
the bolt hit your head. Zap!

Dude, you are so lucky.

To be alive.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
That's what I meant.

Oh, by the way, there's some
people waiting for you,

and the doctors won't let them in, because
they're not immediate family, you know.

How did you get in here?

Oh, no one ever stops me
from going anywhere.

[groans]

He's okay.

[all cheering]

Hello, Utah.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

Hey, uh...

I got a surprise for you.

Told you.

Told me what?

Lightning.

[imitates crackling]

[giggles]

Are we okay?

No.

But give it some time.

Hi.

Hi.

Take the hat off.

[gasps]

Put the hat back on.

- Oh, hey, Simon.
- Hey.

Oh, hang on.

Hey. You don't
want it anymore?

Of course I want it.
But I want you to sign it.

[music playing]

- How's that?
- Good.

- Bye, Mom.
- Have fun.

Bye.

See? I told you.

I've been so busy today,
I skipped lunch.

You hungry?

♪ Just you and me with other
people we wanna see ♪

♪ So for now,
I'ma hold on to the moment ♪

♪ I wish that this could
last for ever and ever ♪

♪ And ever,
and forever and ever ♪

Hey. Excuse me.

Aren't you Sally Carmichael?

Uh... Yep. I am.

You suck!

Give it some time.

♪ Live life with
the people you love ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Forever and ever ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Live life with
the people you love ♪

No one would
ever accept us.

Above the tide or below, you
could never survive in my world.

And your people would
destroy me as they have

with everything
that's unlike them.

But I can protect you.
We can protect each other.

I can't put you
through that. I won't.

Alexander?

Do you love me?

Don't ask me that.

Just tell me
what's in your heart.

Actually...

my heart is right here.

I can feel it beating.
It's so strong.

You and I are so different.

We might be from
different places

and our hearts might
be in different places,

but what matters is that we're right
here, right now, in the same place.

[seagulls calling]

[squawking]

Subtitles by explosiveskull

♪ One, two,
one, two, three, four ♪

[rock music playing]

♪ Well, the truth has come out
to all of my friends ♪

♪ I've been talking
behind their backs ♪

♪ It's something I do when I feel
confused, lonely, and off-track ♪

♪ Well, I swear
I just wanna fit in ♪

♪ But I'm cold,
unfriendly and mean ♪

♪ And I can't get out
of this hole I'm in ♪

♪ 'Cause the hole
I'm in's too deep ♪

♪ No, I can't get out
of this hole I'm in ♪

♪ I'll just roll over
in the grave and sleep ♪

♪ When I lay next
to you, crying ♪

♪ You told me
you didn't understand ♪

♪ How all my explaining
fell from my loose lips ♪

♪ And you just wanted me
to hold your hand ♪

♪ Well, regret
and shame crept in ♪

♪ Then we didn't sleep
for a week ♪

♪ And I can't get out
of this hole I'm in ♪

♪ 'Cause the hole
I'm in's too deep ♪

♪ No, I can't get out
of this hole I'm in ♪

♪ I'll just roll over
in the grave and sleep ♪

♪ I have no intentions ♪

♪ To do nobody wrong ♪

♪ When my brain is burning
and my heart's overturning ♪

♪ It feels like I can't go on ♪

♪ And I make mistakes
way too much ♪

♪ Political and
personal problems ♪

♪ Are piled up so high
on my back ♪

♪ I can't see clearly
or walk a straight line ♪

♪ Good Lord,
I'm way out of whack ♪

♪ So I just keep
digging and digging ♪

♪ To find comfort in my defeat ♪

♪ And I can't get out
of this hole I'm in ♪

♪ 'Cause the hole
I'm in's too deep ♪

♪ No, I can't get out
of this hole I'm in ♪

♪ I'll just roll over
in the grave and sleep ♪

♪ Just roll over
in the grave and sleep ♪

♪ Just roll over
in the grave and sleep ♪

♪ I'll just roll over
in my grave ♪

♪ And sleep ♪