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1
00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:29,109
At 10 o'clock in the morning
it is not usual to find me in bed.
2
00:00:29,109 --> 00:00:31,953
But l am suffering
from nervous exhaustion.
3
00:00:31,953 --> 00:00:36,318
ln the last 24 hours l have been caught
in the arms of my mistress Yvette
4
00:00:36,318 --> 00:00:38,356
by M Alfonse, the undertaker -
5
00:00:38,356 --> 00:00:40,635
the man who wishes to marry my wife
6
00:00:40,635 --> 00:00:42,676
who, in turn, wishes to marry me
7
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:45,399
due to the fact
that everyone thinks l am dead
8
00:00:45,399 --> 00:00:49,155
and posing as my twin brother
and living with 'er in sin.
9
00:00:49,155 --> 00:00:54,633
lf that was not enough, my wife is also
being courted by a randy ltalian captain.
10
00:00:54,633 --> 00:00:58,508
My new waitress,
Mimi La Bonque, is after my body.
11
00:00:58,508 --> 00:01:01,956
And, you may recall that l spent
most of yesterday afternoon
12
00:01:01,956 --> 00:01:05,715
chasing a flying nun
with a radio on her back,
13
00:01:05,715 --> 00:01:08,314
suspended from an oversized kite.
14
00:01:08,314 --> 00:01:11,597
No wonder l'm suffering
from nervous exhaustion.
15
00:01:11,597 --> 00:01:16,310
- (Knocking)
- (Mimi) Ren�, Ren�! Let me in!
16
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:18,436
That is Mimi, the one l told you about.
17
00:01:18,436 --> 00:01:21,990
l dare not let my wife catch us
so l have locked the door.
18
00:01:21,990 --> 00:01:24,799
- (Knocking)
- Please, Ren�, let me in.
19
00:01:24,799 --> 00:01:28,793
- Go away! Think of my wife.
- She is in the kitchen.
20
00:01:28,793 --> 00:01:31,030
There is a key under the mat.
21
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,831
Ren�!
22
00:01:36,831 --> 00:01:37,581
Ah!
23
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,877
(Whimpering)
24
00:01:41,877 --> 00:01:44,918
Ren�, why are you trying to avoid me?
25
00:01:44,918 --> 00:01:49,630
l-l just thought
we might work up to this point.
26
00:01:49,630 --> 00:01:52,678
You know, a romantic stroll
down lovers' lane,
27
00:01:52,678 --> 00:01:54,716
a furtive glance in church,
28
00:01:54,716 --> 00:01:57,872
a quick peek at you
'aving a bath through the keyhole.
29
00:01:57,872 --> 00:01:59,916
Oh-ho, Ren�!
30
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,920
Now that we are together,
31
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:07,515
let me do something
to make you feel warm and wonderful.
32
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,191
Well...
33
00:02:16,191 --> 00:02:19,556
you can fill
my hot-water bottle if you like.
34
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:26,389
(Edith) Ren�!
l 'ave for you your breakfast.
35
00:02:26,389 --> 00:02:29,074
Quick, it is the wife. Hide! The bed!
36
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,350
No, l meant under it, not in it!
37
00:02:32,350 --> 00:02:34,556
- Ren�!
- Oh, my God, too late!
38
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,837
Oh, Ren�, my poor 'usband.
39
00:02:39,837 --> 00:02:41,876
'Ow is the ache in your 'ead?
40
00:02:41,876 --> 00:02:44,190
Oh...a little better, my dear.
41
00:02:44,190 --> 00:02:46,874
The peace and quiet are doing me good.
42
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,156
Especially the peace.
43
00:02:52,156 --> 00:02:55,198
- You're still...very jumpy.
- Yes, l...
44
00:02:55,198 --> 00:02:57,430
Shall l get in bed and rub your neck?
45
00:02:57,430 --> 00:02:59,556
No! No, no...
46
00:02:59,556 --> 00:03:01,870
All that running and chasing yesterday.
47
00:03:01,870 --> 00:03:03,916
You must still be very stiff.
48
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,513
No more than you would expect, no.
49
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:15,996
There. l have brought for you
a soft-boiled egg with soldiers,
50
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:19,311
toast, honey and a pot of coffee.
51
00:03:19,311 --> 00:03:21,516
You are a treasure, Edith.
52
00:03:21,516 --> 00:03:24,990
- ls there anything else?
- Could you bring another cup?
53
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,876
- Ah, good morning, M Alfonse.
- l've come to see Mme Edith.
54
00:03:33,876 --> 00:03:36,793
She is giving to her husband
the breakfast.
55
00:03:36,793 --> 00:03:39,474
That bounder, that rotter!
56
00:03:39,474 --> 00:03:43,075
That cad, that...unprincipled innkeeper.
57
00:03:43,075 --> 00:03:48,029
M Alfonse, please remember,
l am 'is mistress.
58
00:03:48,029 --> 00:03:50,429
My apologies, Mademoiselle.
59
00:03:50,429 --> 00:03:52,476
With my dicky heart
60
00:03:52,476 --> 00:03:55,438
l should not get in such a tiz-woz.
61
00:03:55,438 --> 00:04:00,435
l am so consumed by jealousy
that l am forgetting that we Frenchmen
62
00:04:00,435 --> 00:04:04,559
have this great tradition
of having it off like rabbits.
63
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:09,353
Oh, M Alfonse!
64
00:04:09,353 --> 00:04:12,796
- Dear, beautiful madame.
- Oh.
65
00:04:12,796 --> 00:04:16,156
- l have an urgent message.
- From the Resistance?
66
00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:18,196
No, from me.
67
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,156
Come into the back room.
68
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,915
- l love you, l love you.
- (Yelps)
69
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,515
At last we are alone.
70
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,829
(Both) Hello!
71
00:04:34,829 --> 00:04:36,876
Go away!
72
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,914
Now, M Alfonse, what is your message?
73
00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:43,956
l am a very busy woman.
74
00:04:43,956 --> 00:04:48,636
Dear lady...it is many weeks now
that l have you loved from afar.
75
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,228
l think of you day and night.
76
00:04:52,228 --> 00:04:56,199
Even when l am embalming
it is your face that haunts me.
77
00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:00,472
Haunts me through the fluid.
78
00:05:00,472 --> 00:05:03,199
l cannot contain my passion any longer.
79
00:05:03,199 --> 00:05:06,511
l must kiss those tempting,
sensuous lips.
80
00:05:06,511 --> 00:05:09,956
Oh, M Alfonse, you are very naughty.
81
00:05:09,956 --> 00:05:14,033
But since you put it so nicely,
you may have one little peck.
82
00:05:14,033 --> 00:05:16,759
Ohhh, Madame.
83
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:20,036
(Whimpers)
84
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,076
M Alfonse! l...
85
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,870
Oh...
86
00:05:35,870 --> 00:05:40,078
lf just my lips do this,
l must withhold from 'im the rest of me.
87
00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:43,432
Ah. Er, er...
88
00:05:43,432 --> 00:05:45,909
you have cleaned
the bathroom well, Mimi.
89
00:05:45,909 --> 00:05:47,956
Now go about your business.
90
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,476
Are we alone?
91
00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:00,559
Apart from four customers,
two of my staff and one of yours, yes.
92
00:06:00,559 --> 00:06:03,108
Gather round!
93
00:06:03,108 --> 00:06:07,113
- Listen very carefully...
- She will say zis only once.
94
00:06:07,113 --> 00:06:10,636
l am not going to say anything.
l am going to ask a question.
95
00:06:10,636 --> 00:06:13,712
- Where is the radio?
- ln the bedroom of my wife's mother,
96
00:06:13,712 --> 00:06:16,553
- for what good it is.
- We lost the batteries
97
00:06:16,553 --> 00:06:19,916
crossing the river
trying to catch this flying nun here.
98
00:06:19,916 --> 00:06:24,039
The dynamo on this bicycle will provide
a temporary source of power.
99
00:06:24,039 --> 00:06:26,236
Will not the Germans be suspicious
100
00:06:26,236 --> 00:06:29,471
if they find a bicycle
in the room of my mother-in-law?
101
00:06:29,471 --> 00:06:31,630
You will say it is a keep-fit machine.
102
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,869
ls it not a bit late? She is 86.
103
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,836
lt will not be for long.
104
00:06:38,836 --> 00:06:42,629
We have stolen more batteries
from a German midget submarine.
105
00:06:42,629 --> 00:06:46,030
They will be delivered to you
by one of our agents.
106
00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:48,509
Disguised as a torpedo, l suppose.
107
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,758
He will make 'imself known
to you by a secret sign.
108
00:06:52,758 --> 00:06:54,910
What will this sign be? (Sighs)
109
00:06:54,910 --> 00:06:57,036
He will put 'is finger in 'is ear
110
00:06:57,036 --> 00:06:59,509
and will wiggle 'is nose like this...
111
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:04,716
l will watch out for such a man.
112
00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:07,997
l have more good news.
The explosives 'ave arrived.
113
00:07:07,997 --> 00:07:10,958
- Oh, good.
- They will be kept in your cellar.
114
00:07:10,958 --> 00:07:13,349
They will be delivered by another agent.
115
00:07:13,349 --> 00:07:18,036
The dynamite will be concealed
in special compartments in 'is trousers.
116
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,554
How will l know this man?
117
00:07:23,554 --> 00:07:26,712
He will be walking very gingerly.
118
00:07:26,712 --> 00:07:30,349
Here comes the German lieutenant.
Act normally!
119
00:07:30,349 --> 00:07:33,637
l will disappear like a phantom
down the back passage.
120
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:37,718
- Ah, Ren�!
- Ah. Er...
121
00:07:37,718 --> 00:07:41,634
Good morning, Lieutenant.
My, you look very smart.
122
00:07:41,634 --> 00:07:46,475
Thank you. You will notice
that l am walking rather gingerly.
123
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:52,676
Do not tell me that you have
dynamite in your trousers?
124
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,196
Ren�...
125
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,240
Ren�, do not listen to gossip.
126
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:10,029
No, l have been exercising
one of the General's horses.
127
00:08:10,029 --> 00:08:12,634
A magnificent black stallion.
128
00:08:12,634 --> 00:08:14,756
There's nothing like the sight
129
00:08:14,756 --> 00:08:18,150
of a handsome beast
with nostrils flaring,
130
00:08:18,150 --> 00:08:20,196
foam flying from the mouth,
131
00:08:20,196 --> 00:08:23,477
clattering over the cobbles,
scattering the peasants.
132
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,758
l expect the horse enjoyed it as well.
133
00:08:27,758 --> 00:08:30,479
Er, have a seat, Lieutenant, do please.
134
00:08:30,479 --> 00:08:32,516
Ren�, you are up and about.
135
00:08:32,516 --> 00:08:34,636
Still very frail, my dear.
136
00:08:34,636 --> 00:08:38,315
M Alfonse has just had
a very funny turn in the back room.
137
00:08:38,315 --> 00:08:40,436
l think we should give him a Cognac.
138
00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:42,715
lt is my dicky ticker, you understand.
139
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,556
Here you are, M Alfonse.
140
00:08:45,556 --> 00:08:48,359
Oh, 'eck! Herr Flick!
141
00:08:48,359 --> 00:08:50,431
- (Gasps)
- The Gestapo!
142
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:55,150
Good morning, Herr Flick. A Cognac?
143
00:08:55,150 --> 00:08:58,277
lt is l...Helga.
144
00:08:58,277 --> 00:09:02,114
l have very serious news
which could affect each one of us.
145
00:09:02,114 --> 00:09:04,839
What are you doing
in Herr Flick's clothes?
146
00:09:04,839 --> 00:09:09,630
l am vearing his clothes
because he has taken mine. See?
147
00:09:09,630 --> 00:09:11,676
(Whimpers)
148
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:24,555
Herr Flick has disguised himself
149
00:09:24,555 --> 00:09:27,598
as a temporary lady stenographer
of the female sex.
150
00:09:27,598 --> 00:09:30,831
He has secreted
a listening device in a daffodil
151
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:33,354
in a vase on the desk
of Colonel von Strohm.
152
00:09:33,354 --> 00:09:35,829
Apart from the satisfaction he obtains
153
00:09:35,829 --> 00:09:38,878
from wearing girls' clothes,
why would he do this?
154
00:09:38,878 --> 00:09:42,191
He suspects General
von Klinkerhoffen and the Colonel
155
00:09:42,191 --> 00:09:44,794
of being involved in a plot
to blow up Hitler.
156
00:09:44,794 --> 00:09:48,668
Thus the 'ated scourge of Europe
will die ze painful death
157
00:09:48,668 --> 00:09:51,752
for which the free world
'as been praying.
158
00:09:51,752 --> 00:09:53,831
Mimi! Manners.
159
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:58,558
Helga, l have no wish
to know about any of this.
160
00:09:58,558 --> 00:10:03,077
But do you not see?
lf it is true and the Colonel is tortured
161
00:10:03,077 --> 00:10:05,116
ve vill all be implicated.
162
00:10:05,116 --> 00:10:07,589
He may reveal that Gruber is painting
163
00:10:07,589 --> 00:10:11,593
a forgery of the Fallen Madonna
With The Big Boobies.
164
00:10:11,593 --> 00:10:14,513
And the Van Gogh With The Big Daisies.
165
00:10:14,513 --> 00:10:18,149
How lucky he did not paint
The Fan Dancer.
166
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,953
General von Klinkerhoffen
has an appointment
167
00:10:24,953 --> 00:10:27,076
to see the Colonel at this very hour.
168
00:10:27,076 --> 00:10:28,878
l must warn him at once.
169
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,552
Ahhh!
170
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:40,236
Vait outside the doors.
171
00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:43,551
- Announce me.
- Yes, General.
172
00:10:43,551 --> 00:10:45,596
You are new here, are you not?
173
00:10:45,596 --> 00:10:49,229
My name is lrma von Kinkenrotten,
l am only temporary.
174
00:10:49,229 --> 00:10:51,038
- (Chair scrapes)
- Wait.
175
00:10:51,038 --> 00:10:53,270
Your top button is undone. Attend to it.
176
00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:55,510
Yes, Herr General.
177
00:10:58,720 --> 00:10:59,970
Stop!
178
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:04,949
The seam of your right stocking
is crooked. See to it.
179
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:11,156
You have good legs. Pity about ze limp.
180
00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:17,836
General von Klinkerhoffen!
181
00:11:17,836 --> 00:11:20,992
Ah, good morning, General.
Nice to see you.
182
00:11:20,992 --> 00:11:24,755
- Heil Hitler.
- Oh, yes... Heil Hitler!
183
00:11:24,755 --> 00:11:26,796
l've been busily engaged
184
00:11:26,796 --> 00:11:30,668
acquiring novelties for the party
to celebrate Hitler's birthday.
185
00:11:30,668 --> 00:11:33,832
Unfortunately,
the F�hrer will not be with us.
186
00:11:33,832 --> 00:11:37,196
But we will celebrate
with the senior officers.
187
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:38,633
lt will be most jolly.
188
00:11:38,633 --> 00:11:40,472
Von Smallhausen, can you hear me?
189
00:11:40,472 --> 00:11:43,472
Yes, Herr Flick.
l am vatching two ladybirds
190
00:11:43,472 --> 00:11:47,758
engaged in a most unusual activity.
191
00:11:47,758 --> 00:11:51,116
Pay attention.
The General is talking to the Colonel.
192
00:11:51,116 --> 00:11:55,432
Put on your earphones
and activate the secret microphone.
193
00:11:55,432 --> 00:11:56,794
At once, Herr Flick.
194
00:11:56,794 --> 00:11:58,836
(Whirring)
195
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:04,877
Here is the seating plan
for Hitler's birthday party.
196
00:12:04,877 --> 00:12:06,916
Ah, ze seating plan, good.
197
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,912
l thought we could
place the F�hrer on a chair
198
00:12:12,912 --> 00:12:15,594
at the head of the table, like zis.
199
00:12:15,594 --> 00:12:17,636
Hm. A nice touch, l approve.
200
00:12:17,636 --> 00:12:19,676
There is to be a party.
201
00:12:19,676 --> 00:12:22,638
Hitler vill be placed
at the head of the table.
202
00:12:22,638 --> 00:12:25,188
l am writing this down. Keep listening.
203
00:12:25,188 --> 00:12:28,158
And here is the menu for your approval.
204
00:12:28,158 --> 00:12:31,118
Ah, l will approve
this document personally.
205
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:34,670
After coffee
we will put on something like this.
206
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:40,996
And what do you think of this?
207
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:51,038
Quite amusing.
lt changes your appearance completely.
208
00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:53,509
They vill be vearing disguise.
209
00:12:53,509 --> 00:12:55,716
Disguise? Keep listening.
210
00:12:55,716 --> 00:13:00,157
l have found a supplier
who can let me have two cases of these.
211
00:13:00,157 --> 00:13:03,869
Two cases? That is a lot.
Who is going to do the blowing up?
212
00:13:03,869 --> 00:13:07,316
- Not me, not at my age.
- No, we need a younger man.
213
00:13:07,316 --> 00:13:08,913
Get Gruber to do it.
214
00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:13,391
The General intends to make Herr Gruber
do the blowing up of Hitler.
215
00:13:13,391 --> 00:13:16,233
What a pity Hitler
will not be here to enjoy it.
216
00:13:16,233 --> 00:13:18,595
(Clop of horse's hooves)
217
00:13:18,595 --> 00:13:21,717
- (Horse whinnies)
- Ah, that will be Gruber now.
218
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,996
Lieutenant Gruber.
219
00:13:38,996 --> 00:13:41,071
You have barged in without knocking
220
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:43,833
and have put a riding glove
over a daffodil.
221
00:13:43,833 --> 00:13:46,354
What is your explanation
for this conduct?
222
00:13:46,354 --> 00:13:48,431
- (lnaudible)
- What?
223
00:13:48,431 --> 00:13:50,715
The daffodil contains a microphone
224
00:13:50,715 --> 00:13:53,712
planted by the Gestapo
to eavesdrop on you.
225
00:13:53,712 --> 00:13:56,360
This is outrageous! Who is responsible?
226
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:59,113
Herr Flick. He is even now
in your outer office
227
00:13:59,113 --> 00:14:02,192
disguised as a female secretary
of the opposite sex.
228
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:07,312
- Guards! ln here!
- General, what are you doing?
229
00:14:07,312 --> 00:14:09,356
l'm going to place him in custody.
230
00:14:09,356 --> 00:14:12,955
But you cannot arrest
Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
231
00:14:12,955 --> 00:14:16,669
True, but l can arrest
a female secretary of ze opposite sex.
232
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:21,588
Arrest that woman and take her
to the dungeons of my chateau.
233
00:14:21,588 --> 00:14:23,636
Yes, Herr General.
234
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:28,676
That should keep the Gestapo
out of our hair for a while.
235
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:39,233
- Edith!
- What is your problem, Mama?
236
00:14:39,233 --> 00:14:42,835
Oh, Edith, last night l prayed
237
00:14:42,835 --> 00:14:48,199
that l would once again
see my sister in Avignon.
238
00:14:48,199 --> 00:14:52,273
l awoke to find God
had sent me a bicycle.
239
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,835
The bicycle is for the wireless, Mama.
240
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:02,189
- Quick, lift the bed.
- (All) One, two, three, up.
241
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,269
Take the front, Yvette.
242
00:15:06,269 --> 00:15:08,828
London will be through at any moment.
243
00:15:08,828 --> 00:15:11,718
The bicycle is connected to the radio.
244
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:16,476
- (Wheels whirr)
- We need 12 volts.
245
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:20,870
Faster, faster!
246
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,915
l feel like a mad 'amster.
247
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:30,189
- Faster! Faster! Faster!
- (Ren�) You stupid...
248
00:15:30,189 --> 00:15:33,909
- He's let his body run to seed.
- (Buzzer)
249
00:15:33,909 --> 00:15:36,036
- Faster!
- Just stop that!
250
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:38,918
Ohhh! Ze flashing knobs!
251
00:15:38,918 --> 00:15:41,230
Quick, the radio.
252
00:15:41,230 --> 00:15:45,757
- Your breath is very 'ot.
- Your shorts are very thin.
253
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,153
''Allo, Nighthawk. 'Allo, Nighthawk.
254
00:15:50,153 --> 00:15:52,356
'Pass your message, over.'
255
00:15:52,356 --> 00:15:56,319
Louise cannot read her schoolbooks
without her glasses.
256
00:15:56,319 --> 00:15:59,836
Louise cannot read her schoolbooks
without her glasses.
257
00:15:59,836 --> 00:16:01,876
Am l busting my lungs here
258
00:16:01,876 --> 00:16:04,793
so that the RAF
can drop a pair of spectacles
259
00:16:04,793 --> 00:16:07,189
for some stupid schoolgirl?
260
00:16:07,189 --> 00:16:09,475
(Panting) Why... Why... Why...
261
00:16:09,475 --> 00:16:11,790
can she not go to the optician's?
262
00:16:11,790 --> 00:16:16,317
lt is code! We need spy cameras
to photograph the plans of the invasion
263
00:16:16,317 --> 00:16:18,960
that are in the safe
we are going to blow up.
264
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:22,191
''Allo, Nighthawk.
We will look up the code.
265
00:16:22,191 --> 00:16:24,396
'lt may take a few minutes.'
266
00:16:24,396 --> 00:16:27,313
l cannot wait,
there is about to be a power cut.
267
00:16:27,313 --> 00:16:29,356
We need spy cameras!
268
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:31,635
'They will be delivered.
269
00:16:31,635 --> 00:16:34,439
'Do you 'ave the British airmen?'
270
00:16:34,439 --> 00:16:37,830
- The airmen? One moment.
- Oh, my God.
271
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,797
l am knackered.
272
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,230
- Hello!
- Hello!
273
00:16:43,230 --> 00:16:46,198
- London!
- Ooh, jolly good show!
274
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,638
Hello, London, we are here.
275
00:16:50,638 --> 00:16:54,349
'Wing Commander Belfridge here,
sorry you've had no mail.
276
00:16:54,349 --> 00:16:56,635
'We've got a couple of letters here.
277
00:16:56,635 --> 00:16:58,756
'l'll read the one for Fairfax.'
278
00:16:58,756 --> 00:17:00,592
Oh, all right then.
279
00:17:00,592 --> 00:17:03,433
'lt's from Daphne. ''Dear Cuddles,
280
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:08,556
'''this is a very difficult letter
to write but here goes.
281
00:17:08,556 --> 00:17:11,950
'''Randy Hargreaves and l
went on a golfing holiday
282
00:17:11,950 --> 00:17:14,429
'''to St Andrews in Scotland...'''
283
00:17:14,429 --> 00:17:17,717
This is ridiculous.
l will have to have a rest.
284
00:17:17,717 --> 00:17:21,190
Keep going! Turn, pedal!
285
00:17:21,190 --> 00:17:23,840
They are losing the message.
Keep pedalling.
286
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,195
All right!
287
00:17:26,195 --> 00:17:29,272
'''..and so, to cut a long story short,
288
00:17:29,272 --> 00:17:31,590
'''l found myself in the club.
289
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,154
'''Yours faithfully, Daphne.'''
290
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,558
What do you make of that, Fairfax?
291
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:44,191
Lucky girl. St Andrews is
a jolly hard club to get into.
292
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:53,156
You have a visitor,
Fraulein Kinkenrotten.
293
00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:55,231
This vay!
294
00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,791
You have three minutes.
295
00:17:59,791 --> 00:18:03,509
Herr Flick, it is l, von Smallhausen.
296
00:18:03,509 --> 00:18:05,716
How did you get in here?
297
00:18:05,716 --> 00:18:08,872
l told ze guard it was Flag Day.
298
00:18:08,872 --> 00:18:12,714
- You look ridiculous.
- l opened your secret drawer
299
00:18:12,714 --> 00:18:15,792
and brought for you your suicide pill.
300
00:18:15,792 --> 00:18:17,836
Crush it between your teeth
301
00:18:17,836 --> 00:18:21,390
and nobody will know
what a fool you've made of yourself.
302
00:18:21,390 --> 00:18:24,711
You are very, very stupid,
von Smallhausen.
303
00:18:24,711 --> 00:18:28,588
l, on the other hand,
am not chained up in a dungeon.
304
00:18:28,588 --> 00:18:32,116
You vill get a message to my
godfather Heinrich Himmler in Berlin
305
00:18:32,116 --> 00:18:34,430
and vill explain my predicament.
306
00:18:34,430 --> 00:18:36,829
Yes, Herr Flick. What is his address?
307
00:18:36,829 --> 00:18:40,469
''Himmler, Berlin.'' He is very famous.
308
00:18:40,469 --> 00:18:44,314
ln ze meantime you vill think
of a way to get me out of here.
309
00:18:44,314 --> 00:18:45,913
What are you doing?
310
00:18:45,913 --> 00:18:49,595
l told the guard l was injecting you
against bubonic plague.
311
00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:51,671
lt's just a sugar solution.
312
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,115
Pretend to give it to me and go.
313
00:18:55,115 --> 00:18:57,589
- Yes, Herr Flick.
- Ahhh!
314
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,516
How long do you suppose the General
315
00:19:00,516 --> 00:19:03,558
can keep Herr Flick
incarcerated in his dungeon?
316
00:19:03,558 --> 00:19:06,552
Helga, it's the General's responsibility.
317
00:19:06,552 --> 00:19:08,631
We were only obeying orders.
318
00:19:08,631 --> 00:19:11,553
- Ah, Ren�.
- Good evening, Lieutenant.
319
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,599
Come and sit down.
320
00:19:15,599 --> 00:19:18,114
- l have good news.
- What is it?
321
00:19:18,114 --> 00:19:20,156
We could do with some good news.
322
00:19:20,156 --> 00:19:23,437
l have completed
the forgeries of ze paintings.
323
00:19:23,437 --> 00:19:26,193
- Well, where are they?
- Here.
324
00:19:26,193 --> 00:19:30,239
Why in heaven's name
did you put them in sausages?
325
00:19:30,239 --> 00:19:33,232
Nobody told me
not to put them in sausages.
326
00:19:33,232 --> 00:19:35,390
- What was l supposed to do?
- Never mind.
327
00:19:35,390 --> 00:19:37,914
Which is the original
ve vill sell after the war?
328
00:19:37,914 --> 00:19:41,993
This is the Fallen Madonna
With The Big Boobies by Van Clomp.
329
00:19:41,993 --> 00:19:44,674
And this and this are forgeries.
330
00:19:44,674 --> 00:19:48,639
This is the Cracked Vase
With The Big Daisies by Van Gogh.
331
00:19:48,639 --> 00:19:50,676
And those two are forgeries.
332
00:19:50,676 --> 00:19:53,593
You will remember
that l am to have the Van Gogh
333
00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:56,194
and the two forgeries
are to go the General.
334
00:19:56,194 --> 00:20:00,193
One for Hitler and one for the General
which he thinks is the original.
335
00:20:00,193 --> 00:20:02,999
Correct...l think.
336
00:20:02,999 --> 00:20:04,832
Pardon me for asking.
337
00:20:04,832 --> 00:20:08,117
How will we know which sausage
contains which painting?
338
00:20:08,117 --> 00:20:11,431
- They all have secret markings.
- Well done, Gruber.
339
00:20:11,431 --> 00:20:14,273
Which are known only to me.
340
00:20:14,273 --> 00:20:18,319
This will ensure
that l am not diddled out of my share.
341
00:20:18,319 --> 00:20:20,391
Ah, welcome, Captain Bertorelli.
342
00:20:20,391 --> 00:20:22,436
Hide them!
343
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,916
Colonelo, my beautiful friend, eh?
344
00:20:28,916 --> 00:20:30,956
Mmmwah!
345
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:38,872
Ah...Helga! Mmmwah!
346
00:20:38,872 --> 00:20:42,270
Look-a what my mama
send-a for us from ltaly.
347
00:20:42,270 --> 00:20:45,477
- What?
- The black market salami.
348
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:49,354
- Take-a de sniff.
- Oh!
349
00:20:49,354 --> 00:20:51,431
ls-a beautiful, no?
350
00:20:51,431 --> 00:20:56,230
They are present
for the beautiful lady, Signora Edith.
351
00:20:56,230 --> 00:21:00,791
First she get-a de flowers,
then-a she get-a de sausages...
352
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,916
then-a she get-a de me.
353
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,759
Oh, thank you, Captain Alberto.
354
00:21:07,759 --> 00:21:09,876
You are most gallant.
355
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,717
Now l go to the barber
for de cut-a de hairs
356
00:21:15,717 --> 00:21:18,633
so l look for the ladies
the bee's-a knees-a.
357
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,830
See ya.
358
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:26,718
No, d-don't...
Now we have mixed them all up!
359
00:21:26,718 --> 00:21:30,315
- We don't know which is which.
- We can't sort them out here.
360
00:21:30,315 --> 00:21:32,356
Too many people about.
361
00:21:32,356 --> 00:21:35,796
- Take them avay and hide them.
- Oh... (Muttering)
362
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:42,152
Sausages! Lovely sausages!
363
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:45,676
Who will buy a sausage
364
00:21:45,676 --> 00:21:49,389
from a poor, old,
wandering sausage seller?
365
00:21:49,389 --> 00:21:51,630
Get lost.
366
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:54,878
Psst. Psst.
367
00:21:54,878 --> 00:21:57,520
lt is l, Leclerc.
368
00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,955
Go away, we are oversausaged.
369
00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:09,636
l 'ave for you the batteries
from the submarine. Eh?
370
00:22:09,636 --> 00:22:12,632
Now, you will notice...
371
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,070
that each one has got
372
00:22:16,070 --> 00:22:20,597
an electrical terminal
at this end...and this end...
373
00:22:20,597 --> 00:22:23,319
- in which...
- (Electrical crackling)
374
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,638
Good moaning.
375
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:36,193
l am wicking in a ginger fashion
376
00:22:36,193 --> 00:22:40,910
because my poloceman's pints
are full of deenamote.
377
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:04,274
The deenamote
is inside the sissages.
378
00:23:04,274 --> 00:23:08,512
Thank you, Officer, you could not have
come at a better time.
379
00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:10,556
Now get about your business.
380
00:23:10,556 --> 00:23:13,712
General von Klinkerhoffen
is getting out of his car!
381
00:23:13,712 --> 00:23:16,598
- General von Klinkerhoffen!
- Hide them! Hide them!
382
00:23:16,598 --> 00:23:18,398
- Where?
- ln there!
383
00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:20,755
- ln there.
- Oh, my God, what...
384
00:23:20,755 --> 00:23:23,229
Ooh! Ahhh!
385
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:41,270
General von Klinkerhoffen!
386
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,236
- Heil Hitler!
- (All) Heil Hitler!
387
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,396
Batteries have been stolen
from a miniature submarine.
388
00:23:52,396 --> 00:23:56,359
Whoever has those batteries
in their possession will be shot.
389
00:23:56,359 --> 00:23:59,113
We will conduct
an immediate search of the town.
390
00:23:59,113 --> 00:24:01,760
- Do you understand?
- Yes, Herr General.
391
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:02,510
Ow!
392
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:06,276
Follow me!
393
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:14,158
Ren�?
394
00:24:14,158 --> 00:24:17,994
Which one of them 'as
the batteries down 'is trousers?
395
00:24:17,994 --> 00:24:20,116
(Electrical crackling)
30675
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