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1
00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:25,033
Once again, my instincts
for self-preservation
2
00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:27,554
have triumphed over my patriotism...
3
00:00:27,554 --> 00:00:30,438
and l am about to leg it
to the Spanish border.
4
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:33,351
The reason is very simple.
5
00:00:33,351 --> 00:00:36,432
Last night, Lieutenant Gruber
arrived with the paintings
6
00:00:36,432 --> 00:00:39,318
of the Fallen Madonna With
The Big Boobies by Van Clomp
7
00:00:39,318 --> 00:00:42,870
and the Cracked Vase With
The Big Daisies by Van Gogh.
8
00:00:42,870 --> 00:00:45,428
There were four forgeries
and two originals
9
00:00:45,428 --> 00:00:47,829
which he had
cleverly concealed, once again,
10
00:00:47,829 --> 00:00:50,115
inside knockwurst sausages.
11
00:00:50,115 --> 00:00:52,919
Unfortunately,
these sausages became confused
12
00:00:52,919 --> 00:00:55,594
with four sausages containing dynamite,
13
00:00:55,594 --> 00:01:00,117
four sausages containing
submarine batteries
14
00:01:00,117 --> 00:01:03,033
and eight ltalian salami sausages
15
00:01:03,033 --> 00:01:05,839
containing garlic.
16
00:01:05,839 --> 00:01:07,876
All of these sausage are now
17
00:01:07,876 --> 00:01:11,794
down the trousers of Colonel
von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber.
18
00:01:11,794 --> 00:01:14,713
Except for two which are
in the buttoned-up bosom
19
00:01:14,713 --> 00:01:17,997
of the already well-endowed Helga,
the Colonel's secretary.
20
00:01:17,997 --> 00:01:20,355
Sooner or later,
something has got to give
21
00:01:20,355 --> 00:01:23,591
and l do not want to be there
when it happens.
22
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:28,550
Ah, er, Michelle, how nice to see you.
23
00:01:28,550 --> 00:01:30,437
Where are you going?
24
00:01:30,437 --> 00:01:33,193
- Just to the barber's.
- With a suitcase?
25
00:01:33,193 --> 00:01:36,352
l am saving my hair
to stuff something with.
26
00:01:36,352 --> 00:01:39,512
lf you run out on us,
you will find a bullet in your back
27
00:01:39,512 --> 00:01:43,115
before the stationmaster
can wag his flag.
28
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:46,236
l will go by bus.
29
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:50,118
- l have serious news. Sit down.
- Oh.
30
00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:54,711
London has sent us a spy camera
31
00:01:54,711 --> 00:01:58,156
to photograph the plans
for the invasion which are in the safe,
32
00:01:58,156 --> 00:02:00,913
which we intend to blow up,
in the chateau.
33
00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:05,073
The parachute carrying the spy camera
was blown off course
34
00:02:05,073 --> 00:02:07,799
and has landed
in the vineyard of M Alfonse.
35
00:02:07,799 --> 00:02:11,714
Well, l am sure if you ask him for it,
he will let you have it.
36
00:02:11,714 --> 00:02:15,031
Yesterday, the German swine
requisitioned the vineyard.
37
00:02:15,031 --> 00:02:17,350
So the village refused to work for zem.
38
00:02:17,350 --> 00:02:21,558
lf they do, they will be shot
by the Communist Resistance.
39
00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:23,710
No one can go near.
40
00:02:23,710 --> 00:02:26,598
We must radio London
to say there will be a delay.
41
00:02:26,598 --> 00:02:28,398
Where are the batteries?
42
00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:31,472
Down the trousers of Lieutenant Gruber.
43
00:02:31,472 --> 00:02:33,676
Does he know?
44
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:39,914
He does now. He crossed his legs
and shorted himself out.
45
00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:44,033
Never mind. We will use the bicycle.
46
00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:46,156
And we still have the dynamite.
47
00:02:46,156 --> 00:02:50,472
No, the dynamite is mostly down
the trousers of the Colonel.
48
00:02:50,472 --> 00:02:52,471
Can l trust you with nothing?
49
00:02:52,471 --> 00:02:54,551
l make plans, l devise schemes,
50
00:02:54,551 --> 00:02:57,677
l conceive complicated plots
and always you screw them up.
51
00:02:57,677 --> 00:03:00,228
- That is not fair...
- Do you not understand?
52
00:03:00,228 --> 00:03:03,278
l am writing my memoirs
to sell after ze war.
53
00:03:03,278 --> 00:03:06,158
So far, l am looking a right twit.
54
00:03:06,158 --> 00:03:08,231
ls your name Ren� Artois?
55
00:03:08,231 --> 00:03:10,390
Er, yes. Er, welcome to my caf�.
56
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:12,710
We are closed.
57
00:03:12,710 --> 00:03:16,395
Upon ze orders of Colonel von Strohm,
l am placing you under arrest.
58
00:03:16,395 --> 00:03:19,790
What? But... Michelle!
Do something. Help me.
59
00:03:19,790 --> 00:03:22,075
You. You know zis man?
60
00:03:22,075 --> 00:03:25,709
l've never seen him before
in my life. Heil Hitler!
61
00:03:25,709 --> 00:03:27,631
Oh, thank you.
62
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,350
Colonel, the prisoner is outside.
63
00:03:35,350 --> 00:03:37,635
Bring him in.
64
00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:40,553
(Yells) Bring the prisoner in here!
65
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:50,073
- Heil Hitler!
- Heil Hitler.
66
00:03:50,073 --> 00:03:52,310
Leave us.
67
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,075
Colonel, Lieutenant, what have l done?
68
00:03:57,075 --> 00:04:00,311
Ren�, ve are very cross with you.
69
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,518
Yes, Ren�, you have a lot
of explaining to do.
70
00:04:04,518 --> 00:04:08,388
Ve examined the sausages
and ve got quite a shock.
71
00:04:08,388 --> 00:04:10,436
Especially me.
72
00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:15,596
Four of them contained batteries
stolen from the submarine
73
00:04:15,596 --> 00:04:20,037
and the two concealed
in my bosom were dynamite.
74
00:04:20,037 --> 00:04:24,318
Own up. You've been verking
with the Resistance again.
75
00:04:24,318 --> 00:04:27,915
Oh, no, you are quite wrong,
Colonel. You see, er,
76
00:04:27,915 --> 00:04:30,798
hearing that the submarine batteries
had been stolen,
77
00:04:30,798 --> 00:04:35,351
l sent a message to the Resistance,
who l do not know.
78
00:04:35,351 --> 00:04:39,399
But l told them
that if they did not return the batteries,
79
00:04:39,399 --> 00:04:41,710
l would refuse to serve them in my caf�...
80
00:04:41,710 --> 00:04:44,712
if l ever found out who they were.
81
00:04:44,712 --> 00:04:49,157
The batteries came back. l was about
to return them when the General arrived.
82
00:04:49,157 --> 00:04:52,550
How do you account
for this dynamite in my bosom?
83
00:04:52,550 --> 00:04:54,835
Well, er...
84
00:04:54,835 --> 00:04:57,832
As l understand it,
the spark from the batteries
85
00:04:57,832 --> 00:05:00,036
was to be used to explode the dynamite,
86
00:05:00,036 --> 00:05:02,873
so without the batteries,
the dynamite was no use,
87
00:05:02,873 --> 00:05:05,235
so that is why they sent it back.
88
00:05:05,235 --> 00:05:08,278
lt's all perfectly logical
if you think about it.
89
00:05:08,278 --> 00:05:11,511
- l am thinking about it.
- Supposing the spark
90
00:05:11,511 --> 00:05:15,275
had exploded some of
the dynamite down my trousers.
91
00:05:15,275 --> 00:05:17,555
l have not even made a vill.
92
00:05:17,555 --> 00:05:19,710
You would have died intestate.
93
00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:26,035
And what about the dynamite
l was carrying?
94
00:05:26,035 --> 00:05:29,795
Could not the heat of my bosom
have caused a reaction?
95
00:05:29,795 --> 00:05:32,235
l could well believe it.
96
00:05:32,235 --> 00:05:35,118
lt all sounds very suspicious, Ren�.
97
00:05:35,118 --> 00:05:36,997
On ze other hand,
98
00:05:36,997 --> 00:05:40,755
the General will be very pleased
when we return the batteries
99
00:05:40,755 --> 00:05:43,559
and, without Ren�, would we have them?
100
00:05:43,559 --> 00:05:46,996
True. Just this once, Ren�,
101
00:05:46,996 --> 00:05:49,992
- we'll overlook this incident.
- Thank you, Colonel.
102
00:05:49,992 --> 00:05:53,277
Providing you hide the painting of
the Fallen Madonna.
103
00:05:53,277 --> 00:05:56,557
- Oh, no, not again.
- You will do as l tell you!
104
00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:59,432
Colonel, that's dynamite.
105
00:05:59,432 --> 00:06:01,476
(All scream)
106
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:07,351
l could have killed myself.
107
00:06:07,351 --> 00:06:09,510
You could have killed all of us.
108
00:06:09,510 --> 00:06:13,752
We must be more careful.
Now, vich sausage is vich?
109
00:06:13,752 --> 00:06:18,595
Erm, these two and that
and that are dynamite.
110
00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:22,434
- These four are batteries.
- Not next to each other!
111
00:06:22,434 --> 00:06:24,829
Of course.
112
00:06:24,829 --> 00:06:27,195
Now, what about the paintings?
113
00:06:27,195 --> 00:06:29,430
These two are forgeries
114
00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:32,114
of The Cracked Vase With
The Big Daisies by Van Gogh,
115
00:06:32,114 --> 00:06:35,033
which go to the General,
one of which he'll send to Hitler,
116
00:06:35,033 --> 00:06:38,078
believing it is a forgery.
The other he will keep,
117
00:06:38,078 --> 00:06:41,994
believing it is a genuine Van Gogh
but which is a forgery.
118
00:06:41,994 --> 00:06:44,196
That one is the original Van Gogh
119
00:06:44,196 --> 00:06:46,271
which we promised
to allow Ren� to keep
120
00:06:46,271 --> 00:06:48,351
so that he can sell it after the war.
121
00:06:48,351 --> 00:06:51,273
Hands up all those who think
he should not have it.
122
00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:54,756
Carried unanimously.
123
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,039
- Carry on, Gruber.
- These two are forgeries
124
00:06:59,039 --> 00:07:01,475
of the Fallen Madonna
With The Big Boobies
125
00:07:01,475 --> 00:07:04,393
which were to go to Herr Flick.
One he will send to Hitler.
126
00:07:04,393 --> 00:07:06,994
The other he will keep,
believing it is the original
127
00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:09,878
which he can sell but which is,
like this, a forgery.
128
00:07:09,878 --> 00:07:12,474
And anyway, neither of which
he needs at the moment.
129
00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:15,313
- Why is this?
- Herr Flick is in the nick.
130
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:18,271
What for?
131
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,920
For spying on me
wearing Helga's clothes.
132
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,753
Why were you wearing Helga's clothes?
133
00:07:23,753 --> 00:07:28,755
l wasn't wearing Helga's clothes,
he was wearing Helga's clothes.
134
00:07:28,755 --> 00:07:34,472
- Go on, Gruber!
- Finally, zis is ze genuine van Clomp.
135
00:07:34,472 --> 00:07:36,915
Ren�, you will take all these
136
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:38,956
and the ltalian salami
137
00:07:38,956 --> 00:07:42,430
and you will hide it in your kitchen,
on your sausage rack.
138
00:07:42,430 --> 00:07:44,431
- Yes, Colonel, thank you.
- Colonel,
139
00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:46,715
might not a man
carrying so many sausages
140
00:07:46,715 --> 00:07:48,756
in wartime arouse suspicion?
141
00:07:48,756 --> 00:07:51,638
True, Helga. We must hide them.
142
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:54,678
- Where?
- That's very simple.
143
00:07:54,678 --> 00:07:57,320
Oh, no. l...
144
00:07:58,600 --> 00:07:59,953
Oh...
145
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,156
She is in here.
146
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:08,752
Ah, good morning, Frau Kinkenrotten.
147
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,235
Close ze door and go avay.
148
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:18,835
Thank Himmler you are here.
Ze swine have put me on ze rack.
149
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:24,199
l ordered it.
150
00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:28,159
You ordered it? Why did you order it,
you oversized fruit bat?
151
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:31,875
l told them l wish to interrogate you
152
00:08:31,875 --> 00:08:35,191
so that we could discuss
your escape in general terms.
153
00:08:35,191 --> 00:08:39,068
For the sake of reality,
could you give, from time to time,
154
00:08:39,068 --> 00:08:40,912
a little scream?
155
00:08:40,912 --> 00:08:42,797
Certainly not.
156
00:08:42,797 --> 00:08:45,519
- (Creaking)
- Aah!
157
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,360
Yvette, why do you cry?
158
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,113
Oh, poor Ren�. At zis very moment,
159
00:08:59,113 --> 00:09:02,397
he could be suffering torture
at ze hands of ze Colonel.
160
00:09:02,397 --> 00:09:04,550
Tears will not help him.
161
00:09:04,550 --> 00:09:08,349
Only a bold, brave plan
can save him now.
162
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,190
And we do not 'ave one.
163
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,471
Good moaning.
164
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:18,590
Oh.
165
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:24,475
lt is that English idiot
who speaks bad French.
166
00:09:24,475 --> 00:09:26,596
Maybe he can 'elp us.
167
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:28,720
Aah!
168
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:32,799
Officer Crabtree, Ren� 'as been arrested.
169
00:09:32,799 --> 00:09:35,997
Yes, l just hid the bad nose.
170
00:09:35,997 --> 00:09:39,755
We must roscue him before
he drops us all in the shoot.
171
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:45,228
- But what can we do?
- Mme Edith is beside herself.
172
00:09:45,228 --> 00:09:47,231
lf he reveals my disgeez,
173
00:09:47,231 --> 00:09:50,073
l will be up the creek without a piddle.
174
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,269
Madame Edith,
why are you dressed zis way?
175
00:09:57,269 --> 00:09:59,555
lt is the time for the action.
176
00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:01,596
l will rescue my brave Ren�.
177
00:10:01,596 --> 00:10:04,240
l will storm into the office of the Colonel,
178
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,515
l will show him this hand grenade,
179
00:10:06,515 --> 00:10:08,716
l will remove the pin with my teeth
180
00:10:08,716 --> 00:10:12,588
and l will tell him to release Ren�
or we will all die.
181
00:10:12,588 --> 00:10:14,955
This is rosky in daylight.
182
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,029
Why do you not wait until it is dick?
183
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,676
We must strike now.
184
00:10:22,676 --> 00:10:24,716
Make sure the coast is clear.
185
00:10:24,716 --> 00:10:26,870
l will look outsod.
186
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,910
lt is the ltalian captain.
He may recognise me.
187
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,190
He is wicking this woo.
188
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,390
l must hide.
189
00:11:02,390 --> 00:11:04,994
ls-a now or never
190
00:11:04,994 --> 00:11:07,036
Come-a hold me tight
191
00:11:07,036 --> 00:11:09,076
Good-a morning. Nice-a day.
192
00:11:09,076 --> 00:11:10,991
Yes, indood.
193
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,431
Heil-a Hitler.
194
00:11:17,431 --> 00:11:19,238
Heil Mussolini.
195
00:11:19,238 --> 00:11:22,039
( O sole mio)
196
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:27,156
(Blowing noisily)
197
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,595
You are very small for the army.
198
00:11:30,595 --> 00:11:32,636
Mind your own business.
199
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,236
Heil Hitler.
200
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,677
Heil Hitler.
201
00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:53,752
- Edith?
- Ren�, you are safe.
202
00:11:53,752 --> 00:11:56,877
What are you holding in your hand?
203
00:11:56,877 --> 00:11:58,916
lf the Colonel wouldn't release you,
204
00:11:58,916 --> 00:12:01,514
l was going to blow up his office
with a grenade.
205
00:12:01,514 --> 00:12:04,990
A grenade? My God, give that to me
before you blow us all up.
206
00:12:04,990 --> 00:12:08,231
- No.
- Edith,
207
00:12:08,231 --> 00:12:10,880
promise me you won't touch
one of these again.
208
00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:12,598
Oh, very well.
209
00:12:12,598 --> 00:12:15,717
But l will keep this as a souvenir.
210
00:12:15,717 --> 00:12:17,791
Oh, my God.
211
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:37,950
l turn my back for five minutes
and you demolish the town convenience.
212
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:48,830
Yvette, we need you behind the bar.
Why are you taking so long?
213
00:12:48,830 --> 00:12:52,799
Oh, l was hanging zem up
and l went into a daydream.
214
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:59,869
And l thought about all the happy times
we have 'ad in 'ere.
215
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,230
Oh, Yvette, my little tiger.
216
00:13:03,230 --> 00:13:06,710
Oh, Ren�, my big, cuddly bear.
217
00:13:06,710 --> 00:13:08,756
My little chicken.
218
00:13:08,756 --> 00:13:11,752
- My big turkey. Oh.
- Oh.
219
00:13:11,752 --> 00:13:13,717
- Oh, 'old me.
- Oh.
220
00:13:13,717 --> 00:13:15,472
- Kiss me.
- Oh.
221
00:13:15,472 --> 00:13:17,516
When are we going to get married?
222
00:13:17,516 --> 00:13:20,398
Ah, well, l am sorry, Yvette.
223
00:13:20,398 --> 00:13:23,438
First l must marry Edith
to get my caf� back.
224
00:13:23,438 --> 00:13:26,478
Oh, but Ren�, l cannot stand ze waiting,
225
00:13:26,478 --> 00:13:29,313
ze longing, ze yearning.
226
00:13:29,313 --> 00:13:32,153
Oh, how my heart pounds and flutters.
227
00:13:32,153 --> 00:13:34,515
Can you not feel it through your apron?
228
00:13:34,515 --> 00:13:36,875
l thought you had a wild pigeon in there.
229
00:13:36,875 --> 00:13:39,758
- Oh!
- Ren�!
230
00:13:39,758 --> 00:13:43,469
What are you doing
with your arms around that girl?
231
00:13:43,469 --> 00:13:46,313
You stupid woman!
232
00:13:46,313 --> 00:13:49,756
Can you not see she is suffering
from claustrophobia?
233
00:13:49,756 --> 00:13:52,354
(Gasping)
234
00:13:52,354 --> 00:13:55,557
She accidentally
locked herself in the larder.
235
00:13:55,557 --> 00:13:57,358
But there is no key.
236
00:13:57,358 --> 00:14:01,399
Of course there is no key.
That is why she could not get out.
237
00:14:01,399 --> 00:14:04,438
- (Yvette gasping)
- There, are you feeling better?
238
00:14:04,438 --> 00:14:07,671
- Thank you, Ren�.
- Oh, the poor child.
239
00:14:07,671 --> 00:14:09,716
lt happened to me, once.
240
00:14:09,716 --> 00:14:12,234
My heart fluttered like a wild pigeon.
241
00:14:12,234 --> 00:14:16,199
l screamed and screamed
but nobody came.
242
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,960
We thought you were singing.
243
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,150
'Ere is the schnapps.
244
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:35,190
And if you would like
a little fun and games upstairs,
245
00:14:35,190 --> 00:14:37,475
it will be 1 ,000 francs.
246
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,239
There is my card with my address.
247
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,791
''Mimi La Bonque.
248
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,071
''Turn left at the top of the stairs,
249
00:14:47,071 --> 00:14:49,754
''second door past the linen cupboard.''
250
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,193
Pss-pss.
251
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:55,475
My home is next to hers.
252
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,276
l am half-price.
253
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:04,600
Dah!
254
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:09,350
Now, Yvette, clean those tables.
255
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:16,595
Ren�, every bone in my body
is aching for you.
256
00:15:16,595 --> 00:15:19,399
Come to me at midnight
in ze airing cupboard.
257
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,391
Mimi, my wife may not be asleep
258
00:15:22,391 --> 00:15:26,473
and besides, it is very warm in there
next to the hot-water tank.
259
00:15:26,473 --> 00:15:30,314
l think l can fix the old boiler
with a hammer.
260
00:15:30,314 --> 00:15:33,631
Might be kinder
if you gave her a sleeping pill.
261
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:39,516
Dear Mme Edith, l bring you lilies.
262
00:15:39,516 --> 00:15:42,558
Oh, how thoughtful.
l will put them in water.
263
00:15:42,558 --> 00:15:46,553
l was about to place them
on the grave of my late uncle
264
00:15:46,553 --> 00:15:48,995
when l thought to myself,
''What the heck.''
265
00:15:48,995 --> 00:15:53,392
All he left me was a rolled-gold
half hunter which would not tick.
266
00:15:53,392 --> 00:15:55,357
- How is my mother?
- Oh.
267
00:15:55,357 --> 00:15:57,635
She sat up beside me on the hearse
268
00:15:57,635 --> 00:16:01,315
when we buried M Saulier, the cobbler.
269
00:16:01,315 --> 00:16:03,755
She had the time of her life.
270
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,555
Edith, what is going on?
271
00:16:08,555 --> 00:16:12,838
l had to spring-clean the room of my
mother where the British airmen hide.
272
00:16:12,838 --> 00:16:15,832
And M Alfonse kindly
consented to take them
273
00:16:15,832 --> 00:16:17,876
to the funeral of the cobbler.
274
00:16:17,876 --> 00:16:19,678
lt was a notable occasion.
275
00:16:19,678 --> 00:16:22,718
Over 40 of his fellow cobblers attended
276
00:16:22,718 --> 00:16:26,475
to pay tribute to 'im
and sing in ze church.
277
00:16:26,475 --> 00:16:30,553
And l've never heard such a lot of...
278
00:16:30,553 --> 00:16:34,474
people of that profession singing hymns.
279
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:42,150
Ren�, General von Klinkerhoffen
is coming to your caf�.
280
00:16:42,150 --> 00:16:46,597
- Are the satisfied the sausages are safe?
- They are well-hung.
281
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,399
Am l missing something?
282
00:16:50,399 --> 00:16:52,311
Stand up!
283
00:16:52,311 --> 00:16:55,437
Pay attention.
General Erich von Klinkerhoffen.
284
00:16:55,437 --> 00:16:58,478
- l say, what's going on?
- lt's the Jerry general.
285
00:16:58,478 --> 00:17:02,269
- Talk and you'll be shot.
- We're in the right clobber.
286
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,391
General von Klinkerhoffen.
287
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,516
- Heil Hitler.
- (All) Heil Hitler.
288
00:17:10,516 --> 00:17:13,160
Heil-a Mussolini!
289
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:18,950
Mussolini never go well.
290
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,631
lt has been brought to my notice
291
00:17:22,631 --> 00:17:26,110
that no peasants will consent
to work in the vineyard.
292
00:17:26,110 --> 00:17:29,795
Everyone present
is recruited for forced labour.
293
00:17:29,795 --> 00:17:31,836
Names will be taken.
294
00:17:31,836 --> 00:17:34,673
You will assemble at dawn
in ze town square
295
00:17:34,673 --> 00:17:38,150
and will march under escort
to your destination.
296
00:17:38,150 --> 00:17:40,674
Take ze names, Gruber. Heil Hitler!
297
00:17:40,674 --> 00:17:42,671
(All) Heil Hitler.
298
00:17:42,671 --> 00:17:44,079
(Clunk)
299
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,276
Ze German swine.
300
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,230
l agree with her.
301
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:58,836
Stop it.
302
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,958
Quick, quick. Hurry up, you peasants.
303
00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:07,191
Get into line. Quickly. Quick, quick.
304
00:18:07,191 --> 00:18:10,238
Shoo! Shoo! Quickly. Hurry up.
305
00:18:10,238 --> 00:18:11,912
Quick.
306
00:18:11,912 --> 00:18:13,911
To think that l have come to this.
307
00:18:13,911 --> 00:18:16,560
l, Ren� Artois - a slave labourer.
308
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,471
Every cloud 'as a silver lining.
309
00:18:18,471 --> 00:18:21,632
At the vineyard,
we can search for the miniature camera.
310
00:18:21,632 --> 00:18:23,790
- Shh.
- (Gruber) Attention!
311
00:18:23,790 --> 00:18:27,031
You will follow me in my little tank.
312
00:18:27,031 --> 00:18:30,908
Runaways and stragglers will be shot
313
00:18:30,908 --> 00:18:32,797
with my big gun.
314
00:18:32,797 --> 00:18:35,189
Attention!
315
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,436
Clarence, forwards.
316
00:18:44,436 --> 00:18:46,476
(Engine grinds)
317
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:03,798
(Gruber) What is going on?
What do you mean, the battery's flat?
318
00:19:03,798 --> 00:19:04,548
Oh.
319
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,636
l think l need a little push.
320
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,316
Push, push.
321
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,271
Keep picking.
322
00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:34,397
And l do not wish to see
any squashy ones.
323
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:39,290
Psst.
324
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,950
Keep your eye open for the camera.
325
00:19:42,950 --> 00:19:44,996
Oh, you can rely on us.
326
00:19:44,996 --> 00:19:48,311
When you find it,
'ide it secretly on your person.
327
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:54,316
Hey, what do you think?
l 'ave found a camera.
328
00:19:54,316 --> 00:19:55,958
(All) Shh!
329
00:19:55,958 --> 00:19:58,679
ldiot. That is what we are looking for.
330
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,956
Where is Michelle?
331
00:20:03,956 --> 00:20:07,157
She is not here
but they took 'er name in the caf�.
332
00:20:07,157 --> 00:20:11,233
lf they find out she is missing,
they'll find her and shoot her.
333
00:20:11,233 --> 00:20:13,197
Oh, my God.
334
00:20:13,197 --> 00:20:16,750
Somebody is bringing your mother
in a wheelchair.
335
00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:19,991
Oh dear. l hope she's well wrapped up.
336
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,829
lt is l, Michelle.
337
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:32,434
What have you brought her 'ere for?
338
00:20:32,434 --> 00:20:34,954
The General is coming
to supervise the vintage
339
00:20:34,954 --> 00:20:39,272
and to test the wine
from the cellar that they requisitioned.
340
00:20:39,272 --> 00:20:42,352
l have brought these tablets.
Zey are poison.
341
00:20:42,352 --> 00:20:43,602
Wh...
342
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:46,791
M Alfonse, you will place one
343
00:20:46,791 --> 00:20:49,792
in the wine
that is being tasted by the General.
344
00:20:49,792 --> 00:20:52,917
He will die but the poison
will leave no trace.
345
00:20:52,917 --> 00:20:56,231
But mademoiselle, everyone
will think my wine has killed 'im.
346
00:20:56,231 --> 00:20:58,197
My business will be ruined.
347
00:20:58,197 --> 00:21:00,555
You will be doing it for France.
348
00:21:00,555 --> 00:21:03,108
Yes and if zat goes wrong,
349
00:21:03,108 --> 00:21:08,194
we have a reserve plan
to kill ze German swine.
350
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,509
(Gruber) Nobody is treading the grapes.
351
00:21:13,509 --> 00:21:16,068
lnto ze barrels, tread ze grapes.
352
00:21:16,068 --> 00:21:18,390
Everyone, take your shoes off.
353
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:22,751
Except you.
354
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,393
Well.
355
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:34,550
Ye...er, thank you, Lieutenant.
356
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:38,992
(Squelching)
357
00:21:38,992 --> 00:21:41,036
Urgh.
358
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,112
One, two, one, two.
359
00:21:46,112 --> 00:21:49,636
Ooh. To feel the juice
swelling up between the toes
360
00:21:49,636 --> 00:21:51,836
is quite sexy, is it not?
361
00:21:51,836 --> 00:21:54,275
lt might be exciting your bunions, Edith,
362
00:21:54,275 --> 00:21:57,113
but it is doing very little for me.
363
00:21:57,113 --> 00:22:00,954
Maybe it will cure your athlete's foot.
364
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:13,237
Come, Colonel.
The chateau has a good reputation.
365
00:22:13,237 --> 00:22:15,675
Let's taste the wine.
366
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,397
Ren�, look!
lt is General von Klinkerhoffen.
367
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,272
Welcome, General,
368
00:22:30,272 --> 00:22:32,749
to your commandeered vineyard.
369
00:22:32,749 --> 00:22:36,719
We have been told your '32
is very good. Do you have a sample?
370
00:22:36,719 --> 00:22:39,234
l have samples for every year
371
00:22:39,234 --> 00:22:42,676
but l doubt the General
will be able to taste them all.
372
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:47,436
This is ze '38.
373
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,436
(Coughs) Pardon.
374
00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:15,715
You do not taste your own wine?
375
00:23:15,715 --> 00:23:17,677
Of course.
376
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:21,030
Excellent.
377
00:23:21,030 --> 00:23:23,873
Ze connoisseurs, of course,
do not consume ze wine,
378
00:23:23,873 --> 00:23:26,076
- they schpit it out.
- Of course.
379
00:23:26,076 --> 00:23:29,994
We must do the same.
We must not look like barbarians.
380
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:44,995
And this, erm, is the 1937.
381
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,039
lt may be a little rough in the aftertaste.
382
00:23:49,039 --> 00:23:51,076
Thank you.
383
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:08,476
Psst. lt is no good,
he is spitting it all out.
384
00:24:08,476 --> 00:24:11,632
l was relying on 'im consuming
at least three glasses.
385
00:24:11,632 --> 00:24:15,633
Good, we can give up.
Get your shoes off and start treading.
386
00:24:15,633 --> 00:24:17,631
No, we 'ave ze other plan.
387
00:24:17,631 --> 00:24:19,950
Beneath ze wheelchair
of your wife's mother
388
00:24:19,950 --> 00:24:22,759
is a big shell case filled with explosives.
389
00:24:22,759 --> 00:24:24,910
lt is connected to an alarm clock
390
00:24:24,910 --> 00:24:27,275
which Mimi will now activate.
391
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,994
Ren�, they must not blow up my mother.
392
00:24:38,994 --> 00:24:42,038
No. Not at this close range, anyway.
393
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,829
Don't worry, she has been well-briefed.
394
00:24:45,829 --> 00:24:49,993
When it rings, she will leap out
of the chair and take cover.
395
00:24:49,993 --> 00:24:54,119
Five seconds later,
there will be a big explosion.
396
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:00,314
- Did you activate the clock?
- Yes.
397
00:25:00,314 --> 00:25:02,994
l found zis on ze floor.
398
00:25:02,994 --> 00:25:06,914
- That is the detonator.
- Will it explode without it?
399
00:25:06,914 --> 00:25:09,560
No but it will fizz a lot.
400
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:18,519
- What is this one?
- The '32.
401
00:25:18,519 --> 00:25:20,830
Excellent. Do you not think so, Colonel?
402
00:25:20,830 --> 00:25:25,072
- Quite a poem.
- l will have six cases.
403
00:25:25,072 --> 00:25:27,230
Helga, you must try this.
404
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:31,432
Madame, do you enjoy wine?
405
00:25:31,432 --> 00:25:34,830
Enjoy it? Young man,
406
00:25:34,830 --> 00:25:37,195
l am a connoisseur.
407
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,389
l know zat we are enemies
but not, l hope,
408
00:25:42,389 --> 00:25:45,074
- in ze presence of great wine.
- Please.
409
00:25:45,074 --> 00:25:47,151
Allow me.
410
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:54,031
(Alarm rings)
411
00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:00,797
Ren�, she cannot hear
without her ear trumpet.
412
00:26:00,797 --> 00:26:02,871
Get her out.
413
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:05,991
What is your opinion, madame?
414
00:26:05,991 --> 00:26:10,039
- (Fizzing)
- l think it is a very good...
415
00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:23,917
Cancel the six cases.
31389
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