All language subtitles for The Generals Conference

( theme music playing )

it is possible
that you are wondering

why my wife--
for that is she--

is mopping the floor
with a bucket on her head?

it is because
she is on the hit list

of the communist resistance,

because she screwed up
my wedding to their leader,

a delectable dish
called denise laroque.

poor thing,
she is a bundle of nerves.

watch.

aaarghhh!

where are they,
where are they?

edith, edith,

calm down.

i did that to show
how idiotic is
your behavior.

if they are
determined
to get you,

they will find you
wherever you are.

so why not put on
a brave face--

preferably
with a bit of makeup
and without those curlers.

you are right, rene.

i must pull myself together.

oh, you are so strong.

hold me in your arms.
kiss me.

pour your strength
into my body.

on second thoughts,
edith,

perhaps you had better
put the bucket back on.

michelle from the resistance
is in the back room.

she wishes to speak
with you urgently.

oh heck.

you tell me one occasion
when it was not urgent.

( door slams; all shriek )

what is it now?!

time is very short.

listen very carefully,

i shall say this
only once.

the german generals are meeting
in the chateau tomorrow.

they will be planning
the invasion of england.

we will take photographs
of the maps.

of course.
and as soon as
you have them,

give them to my wife.
she will attach them

to the leg of
the long distance duck,

and the duck will fly them
all the way to england.

will there be
anything else?

you will be doing
the catering.

you are the only one
in a position to take
the photograph.

michelle, you have
been overworking.

why do you not
take a holiday?

if they see rene
with a camera,

they will shoot him.

she has taken the words
right out of my mouth.

you see, even this
simple country girl

knows the danger
i will be in.

there will be no danger.

we have devised
a special apparatus,

which will not be visible.

( whistles )

mimi, give rene
the special apparatus.

oh, yes, this will
not be visible.

let me guess,
this parcel contains

a photographic
christmas pudding?

do not be ridiculous.

and do not make jokes.

the whole future
of civilization

as we know it
may well depend

on the success
of this device.
turn around.

what is going on?

put out
your right arm.

michelle:
that is it.

turn round.

concealed beneath the apron
of this garment

is a camera.

you will notice that
the left arm is false.

this leaves
your left hand free

to operate the apparatus

under the apron.

what am i supposed
to operate?

feel around
and you will find a--

you will find
a little knob.

have you got it?

i think so, yes.

pull it.

rene, with this,

you will be able
to save the world.

i am speechless!

do you seriously
expect me to go

and stand in front
of all those generals

with my hand
on my hip doing this?

you must choose
your moment.

your wife
and your waitresses
will be there.

your wife will put
into her mouth

this pill.

then she will
fall to the floor.

i am not committing suicide

just so he can photograph
the plans of the invasion!

it is merely to make
you foam at the mouth.

once on the floor,

you will pretend
to have a fit.

this will cause
a distraction.

when the eyes
of the generals are diverted,

you, rene, will take
the photograph.

this whole idea
is absurd.

just look
at this hand.

it is very realistic.

but it
does not move!

why is it
you always knock

the efforts
of the resistance?

this was made by the best
rubber-hand maker in paris.

it was smuggled
under the skirt of a nun,

who cycled all the way here,

at great personal
inconvenience.

it would not fool
a three-year-old.

go into your cafe.
walk about.

if anyone notices
it is not real,

then i will cancel
the whole operation.

done!

good morning,
colonel.

good morning, rene.
coffee please.

do you notice anything
different about me,
colonel?

yes... getting thin on top.

thank you, colonel.

there! what did
she tell you.

nobody noticed
anything.

here is
the test.

- what do you mean?
- lieutenant gruber,

the one who
fancies you.

he notices
everything.

good morning,
lieutenant.

good morning, rene.

herr flick,

helga is here
as you ordered.

tell her to come in.

you sent for me?

i did.

my, my, you look
most handsome.

in this uniform,
i am to be married.

who is the lucky girl?

you. take off your clothes.

the dressmaker has
prepared for you

an appropriate
wedding dress.

von smallhausen?

instead of gawping,
go and get the tailor.

at once,
herr flick.

why are you late?

- well, herr flick--
- continue to take off
your clothes!

yes, herr flick.

general von klinkerhoffen
made me type out the agenda

for the meeting of the generals
at the chateau,

on which occasion,
they will be planning
the invasion.

it is my opinion
that they are planning

the assassination of hitler.

i shall make it
my business to be there.

smallhausen:
herr flick,
the tailor.

have you completed
the wedding dress?

exactly as you ordered,
herr flick.

then clothe the bride.

yes, herr flick.

herr flick,

a black leather
wedding dress?

what did you expect?
white leather?

now go away!

good.

mmm, it hugs
the figure.

will i not creak
walking down the aisle?

you will be well oiled.

do i have a veil?

of course.
shall i place it upon you?

that would be most romantic.

edith... yvette!

mimi! aarghh!

does no one
pay attention

to an old woman
who cries?!

mamma!

i have for you a visitor.

a gentleman.

oh!

dear madame fanny,

i bring flowers

to the beautiful mother
of the lady i love.

oh, they have the most

exotic eastern aroma.

ewww!

it is embalming fluid.

the flashing knobs!

what is the meaning of
this unusual phenomenon?

london is calling us
on the secret radio.

help us to lift the bed.

alas, madame,
i cannot.

not only do i have
the dicky ticker,

but i have also...

the tricky truss.

rene, the radio!

they're a minute early,
quick, help me.

argh!

this is the most
ingenious contraption!

quick, get the loudspeaker.
it is in the chamber.

it is incredible!

it resembles exactly
an ordinary chamberpot.

not that one!

mimi, get
the code book.

'allo, 'allo, this
is nighthawk calling.

nighthawk calling
london,

pass your message,
please, over.

here is my message.

we have a moth
in the airing cupboard.

we have a moth
in the airing cupboard.

have you any mothballs?

have you any mothballs?

excuse me,

i have mothballs.

what did you say?

i have mothballs.

what did he say?

it is not important.

he says he has mothballs.

oh, edith,

do not jump into marriage

too quickly with this man.

look, will you all
stop jabbering?

it is in code.

what does it say,
mimi?

it says,
"a french general,

who is a collaborator,
will be attending

the conference
at the chateau.

he must be
eliminated."

well, what do they want
us to do about it?

- i will go tell michelle.
- yeah.

'allo, london,
'allo, london.

we will tell your story

to little red riding hood.
over and out.

my god, the bravery
of you all.

what does he say?

it is i, leclerc.

i have some
very bad news.

i have just been to feed
the long distance duck.

what is bad
about that?

when i opened
the henhouse door--

pfssst!
he has flown away.

you old fool!
can you do
nothing right?

he will not get far.

he has not yet
had his lunch.

where is he now?

( quacking )

he is flying
round and round.

how do we
get him down?

- monsieur,
- what?

i have duck hunting
equipment.

i used to stand
in the river,

with an artificial duck
on my head.

in my teeth i would
hold my duck quacker.

in my time,
i was famous for it.

i am not surprised.

( quacking )

there he goes again.

get your equipment.
it is worth trying.

it is time
we were open.

hurry up and get
downstairs. edith!

oh!

( kicking cans )

aaargh!

shut up.

ooh, what a lot
of customers.

it was time,
so i opened the cafe.

well done, mimi.

who is that,

by the window
with the big hooter?

it is a french general.

they all have
big hooters.

it must be the one
they want us to eliminate.

well he is not going
to be eliminated in my cafe.

we must throw him out, come.

no, you cannot.
show him a menu.

good morning, general.

welcome to
my humble cafe.

here is a menu.

the prices are
against each item.

yes, i know
it is expensive.

you must understand
it is wartime,
general.

general?

is there something wrong
with that general?

he's probably dead.

what do you mean,
"probably dead"?

i put a resistance pill
in his creme de menthe.

mimi,

how dare you kill
generals in my cafe?

it may be that he
is only paralyzed.

the resistance gave me
so many pills,

that i get 'em mixed up.

we must quickly get him
into the back room.

- yes.
- i will help.

thank god there are
no germans about.

the customers will help.

loyal frenchmen,

you see before you

this dead general,
who was a collaborator,

who has been eliminated
by our brave resistance

in the cause of freedom,
and to save the honor

of our beloved france.

who will help me
to dispose of the body?

we are on our own,
you know?

this is a one-man war.

good moaning.

what are you
doing here?

i am taking
the british earmen

for some fresh oar.

- hello!
- hello!

do not bring them in here.
i have enough trouble.

okay, chaps,
take a powder.

cheerio!

why were
all those purple

running out
of your coffee?

for once i am glad
to see you.

that idiot girl

has killed
this french general.

he is due at the chateau
for the conference.

when they miss him,

they will come
searching for him.

( moaning )

i do not thonk
that he is deed.

it must have been
a paralyzing pill.

yes! quick, help me
get him into the cellar.

come.

i say, carstairs,

two men with ducks
on their heads

have just walked
into the public convenience.

what do you
make of that?

they're probably
freemasons.

( duck quacker calling )

monsieur,

why are we quacking

in the public
convenience?

because if
the long distance duck

sees our bodies,
he will be put off.

this way,

he will think we
are two lady ducks.

( both laugh )

then he will fly down

and i will capture him

with this.

( making duck noises )

( singing to himself )

good morning!

good morning!

excuse that i ask,

but what for you wear
on your head a duck?

we are trying

to capture that duck.

it is for our dinner.

ah, i see.

that a piece of cake.

have a good dinner.

madame edith,

here are the pills to make
you foam at the mouth.

it is very difficult
trying to do all this

with one hand, you know?

oh my god!

i have lost
my little knob.

it must have
come unscrewed.

now i cannot use
the camera.

quick. let us go home.

oh! it is here,
on the floor.

i will drop it
down your collar.

catch it as it
passes your navel.

have you got it?

yes.

my hands are
shaking so much,

i can hardly screw it up.

i will put my hand
in your pocket and help you.

you will do
no such thing!

i think i have got it.
yes.

try not to look suspicious.

oh, thank you
for that advice.

- is everything in order?
- i believe so, general.

the peasants from the cafe
have prepared the buffet.

see that the ashtrays
are empty,

and the glasses
are filled.

when you come within
six feet of this table

make sure that
your eyes are fixed

firmly on the ceiling.

anyone caught snooping
at the map will be shot.

do you understand?

- yes, general.
- yes, general.

you will take notes
of the meeting.

i have my notebook
and my pen handy.

when the generals are
assembled in the anteroom,

- send them in.
- yes, of course.

announce them
as they enter.

according to the map
that you have prepared,
von smallhausen,

we are now above the center
of the conference chamber.

pass me my brace and bit.

we will bore
a hole through

in order to observe
and listen.

colonel von strohm and
captain alberto bertorelli.

general,
my friend,

how's-a
getting on, eh?

it is a great honor
to be here, general.

as local commandants,
your presence is necessary.

you put my men
in the first boat.

we be first
on the beach.

what do you wish to do,
set up an ice cream cart?

you will go
where i put you,

and for the rest
of this conference,

you will not speak
unless spoken to.
understood?

sorry. no offense.

what a mistake
to make.

general leopold

von flockenstuffen.

heil hitler!

general wilhelm
von walkenstiffen!

heil hitler!

air chief marshal

maximillian
von winklemeister.

admiral ulrich
von sinkenquicken.

general john louis

marcel aznavour.

good moaning!

my god,
that english idiot,
crabtree!

heil hitler.

it is good to have
the vichy government

collaborating with us.

i am keen to see
the plins

for the invoosion.

that is why
we are all here.

gruber, the map.

let the peasants
serve the wine.

general, hold the end?

uh-umm.

oh.

do you live near here?

no, miles away.

oh, you are
a kind man.

general:
you! eyes on the ceiling!

rene:
of course, general!

general:
now gentlemen,
let us consider

the possible areas
for the primary assault.

i am going
to take the pill.

no, no.
it is no good.

the map table
is up to here,

my camera
is down here.

how can i take
pictures?

stand on a chair.

ahhh,

sweeties.

would you
like one, gruber?

thank you.

pass them round.

is the hole
big enough?

quite big enough.

what can you see?

you have failed again,
von smallhausen.

we are over
the servants' quarters.

i am watching a lady-cook
taking a bath.

to summarize,

these are the main
alternatives:

here, here
and here.

give the matter
some thought,

and then i will
welcome your comments.

aarghh!

aarghh!

there is woman over there
writhing on the floor.

take no notice.

general,
your glass is empty.

servant!

what are you
doing on that chair?

i was just trying
to kill a bluebottle,

before it got
on the ham sandwiches.

fill the glass of
general von flockenstuffen.

yes, general.

do not look at the map!

now then, gentlemen,

let me have
your comments and opinions.

i thonk that first

the air-fierce
should send in

several squadrons
of farters.

these-- these should

be followed by bummers.

then we should send
in paratrippers

to capture all
the london dicks.

he means docks.

gruber,
you're foaming
at the mouth.

you too are foaming
at the mouth, colonel.

you are all foaming
at the mouths!

do i include this
in the minutes?

this is the work
of the resistance!

we have been poisoned!
quick! to the hospital!

rene, quick, the camera!

good, back to the cafe.
our mission is complete.

come on, edith,

before anybody comes!

you go ahead.

i am not leaving
these sandwiches.

( theme music playing )