Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

YOU MUST EXCUSE ME FOR BEING OUT OF BREATH,

BUT I HAVE JUST BEEN ENDEAVORING

TO LAUNCH A LONG DISTANCE DUCK.

THIS LONG DISTANCE DUCK IS A LONG DISTANCE LADY DUCK.

SHE IS CARRYING A MICRODOT FILM

FOR THE PLAN OF THE INVASION OF ENGLAND.

IT IS ATTACHED TO HER LEG BY A CORN PLASTER.

UNFORTUNATELY, DESPITE THE COMBINED EFFORTS

OF MYSELF, MY WIFE AND HALF THE VILLAGE,

SHE STEADFASTLY REFUSED TO TAKE OFF.

SHE WAS LAST SEEN WALKING PAST THE POST OFFICE.

RENE,

IT IS QUARTER PAST 3:00.

- SO? - IT IS TIME TO FEED THE BABY DUCKS.

( ducks peep )

EVEN AS I SPEAK, YOUR BRAVE MOTHER

IS WALKING DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD

TOWARDS ENGLAND.

ONE GERMAN CONVOY AND YOU WILL ALL BE ORPHANS.

SHUSH, YOU HAVE MADE ONE OF THEM FAINT-- HE HAS FALLEN OVER.

IT IS PROBABLY LACK OF FOOD. WHY HAVE YOU NOT FED THEM?

I PREPARED SOME WARM CARROT SOUP,

BUT MICHELLE SAID THEY HAD TO BE FED

WITH A FOUNTAIN PEN FILLER,

AND I COULD NOT FIND ONE.

HAVE YOU NO IMAGINATION?

POUR IT DOWN THE BIG END

OF YOUR MOTHER'S EAR TRUMPET.

I AM NOT POURING CARROT SOUP

DOWN MY MOTHER'S EAR TRUMPET.

YOU HAD BETTER DO SOMETHING AND QUICKLY--

ANOTHER ONE HAS FALLEN OVER.

OH MY GOD...

I WILL GET THE EAR TRUMPET.

YVETTE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

WE SHOULD BE OPEN BY NOW.

RENE, MADAME EDITH SENT ME TO THE MARKET

TO BUY SOME CLOTHES

FOR THE GIRLS OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,

THE ONES THAT ARE HIDING UPSTAIRS.

WHAT HAVE YOU BOUGHT THEM?

IN A MARKET I FOUND

SOME CHEAP SERVING MAIDS' UNIFORMS,

SO THEY CAN WORK IN THE KITCHEN.

WITH THE CHANGE, I BOUGHT MYSELF THIS HAT.

WHEN WE RUN AWAY TO GET MARRIED,

I CAN WEAR IT ON MY HONEYMOON.

NOT ALL THE TIME.

RENE, KISS ME;

CRUSH THE BREATH FROM MY BODY;

SEND THE BLOOD POUNDING THROUGH MY VEINS.

OH MY PASSIONATE ONE,

I CAN FEEL YOU WRIGGLING WITH ECSTASY.

I AM TRYING NOT TO SNEEZE.

GO QUICKLY BEFORE EDITH RETURNS.

RENE, THE COMMUNIST GIRLS

HAVE THROWN ME OUT OF MY BEDROOM

AND FORCED ME TO SLEEP IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD.

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, MIMI.

AT LEAST YOU WILL BE NICE AND WARM.

IT IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE HOT WATER TANK.

IT IS ALSO NEXT TO YOUR ROOM.

COME TO ME AT MIDNIGHT.

WE CAN MAKE WILD, PASSIONATE, RATHER CRAMPED LOVE.

MY DEAR SWEET MIMI, YOU SWEET, RANDY CHILD,

IT IS TOO RISKY.

HOW MUCH LONGER MUST I REMAIN UNFULFILLED?

CERTAINLY UNTIL YOU GET YOUR ROOM BACK.

QUICK-- I HEAR EDITH COMING DOWN THE STAIRS.

RENE,

YOU CANNOT EXPECT ME, DENISE LAROQUE,

LEADER OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,

TO WEAR THESE RAGS?

DO NOT BLAME ME, MY LOVE. BLAME MADAME EDITH.

SHE GAVE THE GIRL SO LITTLE,

SHE WAS NOT ABLE TO AFFORD ANYTHING BETTER.

DO YOU NOT HAVE MONEY?

YES, BUT IT IS IN THE TILL.

EDITH KEEPS THE KEY.

THE SOONER THIS WOMAN IS DEAD, THE BETTER.

DENISE, NOT THAT, NOT NOW, NOT HERE--

WE ARE OPEN!

( gun fires )

HERE, TAKE THIS.

YOU WILL BUY TWO WAITRESSES' OUTFITS

SO THAT WE CAN POSE HERE AS SERVING GIRLS.

YES. WHAT SIZE?

16 TOP, 10 BOTTOM-- LONG.

16 TOP...

YES, I WILL MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.

BLOOD OF MY LIFE,

MY HEART POUNDS LIKE A SEA OF PASSION,

CRASHING ON THE ROCKS OF MY DESIRE.

I HAVE BUT TO LOOK AT YOU

AND I SEE CLOUDS SCUDDING ACROSS THE MOON,

TREES BENDING ON A TROPICAL SHORE.

DID YOU HAVE CHEESE FOR SUPPER?

YOU WILL COME TO ME TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT.

BUT YOU ARE SHARING A ROOM WITH LOUISE.

I WILL DANGLE HER OUT OF THE WINDOW.

UNTIL TONIGHT.

YES.

RENE!

LOUISE, WHY ARE YOU HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIDING IN MIMI'S ROOM.

I CLIMBED DOWN THE DRAINPIPE.

ALL THIS MORNING,

DENISE HAS MADE ME DANGLE OUT OF THE WINDOW.

SHE SAID IT WAS PRACTICE FOR A SPECIAL EMERGENCY.

DID SHE SAY WHAT KIND OF EMERGENCY?

SHE PLAYS EVERYTHING VERY CLOSE TO HER CHEST.

THAT IS UNDERSTANDABLE.

- RENE... - YES?

I KNOW THAT SHE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU,

BUT MY PASSION IS GREATER THAN HER PASSION.

INSIDE ME SURGES A NEED,

WANTS TO MAKE ME PLUNGE UPON THE ROCKS OF YOUR MANHOOD

AND TUMBLE US BOTH INTO A WHIRLPOOL OF ECSTASY.

MY GOD, AND I CANNOT EVEN SWIM.

BECAUSE OF DENISE,

YOU CANNOT COME TO MY ROOM AT MIDNIGHT--

I WILL COME TO YOURS.

THAT IS NOT VERY CONVENIENT.

THEN I WILL DANGLE OUT OF MY WINDOW,

AND YOU WILL DANGLE OUT OF YOURS.

WE WILL MEET ON THE PARAPET

AND MAKE WILD, ABANDONED LOVE.

IT WILL BE A NIGHT TO REMEMBER.

IT WILL CERTAINLY BE A TALKING POINT

AMONGST THE NEIGHBORS.

I MUST GO NOW AND DO 500 PRESS-UPS

SO THAT I WILL BE STRONG FOR YOU.

( groans )

MY GOD, WHAT A MESS I AM IN.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME

THAT MAKES NICE GIRLS INTO HOOLIGANS?

CAN NOBODY RESIST ME?

GOOD AFTERNOON, RENE.

COLONEL, HE IS ALONE.

GOOD.

LOCK THE DOOR.

RENE, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

- OH? - YOU EXPLAIN IT, GRUBER--

YOU'RE GOOD AT DETAILS.

RENE, DO YOU RECALL THAT A SHORT TIME AGO

YOU STUFFED A MILLION FRANCS DOWN MY TROUSERS?

IT IS NOT A THING ONE WOULD EASILY FORGET.

IT WOULD APPEAR THAT 25,000 FRANCS ARE MISSING,

AND SOME OF THIS MONEY HAS BEEN TRACED

TO THE UNDERTAKER MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

HE IS NOW IN THE HANDS OF HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.

UNDER INTERROGATION,

HE MAY REVEAL WHERE THE MONEY CAME FROM

AND IT COULD, PERHAPS, BE TRACED TO YOU.

YOU, UNDER INTERROGATION,

MAY REVEAL THAT YOU PUT IT DOWN MY TROUSERS.

I WILL TRY VERY HARD TO NOT REVEAL THAT.

WE CANNOT TAKE THAT CHANCE.

BUT WHAT CAN WE DO?

WE MUST STOP THE ROT NOW,

BEFORE THE UNDERTAKER IMPLICATES YOU.

HE MUST BE SILENCED.

BUT HOW CAN WE DO THIS?

THE COLONEL HAS A PLAN AND THESE ARE YOUR ORDERS:

YOU MUST GET YOUR WIFE TO MAKE A SMALL PASTY,

INTO WHICH YOU WILL PUT THIS SUICIDE PILL.

YOU WILL CHUCK IT THROUGH THE BARS OF HIS CELL,

HE WILL GOBBLE IT UP AND THAT WILL BE THE END OF IT.

COLONEL, I COULD NOT DO THAT--

HE IS A FRIEND OF MINE.

IN THAT CASE, THERE IS ANOTHER WAY TO STOP THE ROT--

YOU TAKE THE PILL... NOW.

EXCUSE ME, I CANNOT BEAR TO WATCH.

YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO WATCH, LIEUTENANT.

I HARDLY KNOW THE UNDERTAKER--

I AM SURE HE WILL BE HAPPY TO DIE FOR FRANCE.

HE IS VERY OLD, ANYWAY.

YOUR FIRST PLAN WAS THE BEST.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,

YOU WOULD BE WELL ADVISED TO TALK TO ME

BEFORE HERR FLICK RETURNS.

I HAVE TOLD YOU ALL I KNOW, MONSIEUR.

I AM JUST A POOR, HONEST UNDERTAKER

AND PROPRIETOR OF THE HAIRDRESSING ESTABLISHMENT.

ONE OF MY CUSTOMERS MUST HAVE PASSED TO ME THE MONEY.

WHICH ONE IT WAS, I KNOW NOT.

THIS IS NOT--

OOOHH!

HERR FLICK INSTRUCTED ME

TO DEAL WITH THE PRISONER.

IN WHAT WAY?

YOU HAVE HEARD ABOUT THE VELVET GLOVE?

YES I HAVE,

BUT WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO WITH IT?

LEAVE US.

I WILL WAIT IN MY CUPBOARD.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

I AM COMPLETELY AT YOUR MERCY,

BUT I MUST TELL YOU,

IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN A VELVET GLOVE

TO BREAK DOWN MY RESOLUTION...

I THINK.

I WISH TO HELP YOU.

I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION ONE QUARTER OF THIS MONEY.

IF HERR FLICK FINDS OUT,

I WILL BE IN THAT CHAIR INSTEAD OF YOU.

I AM HERE TO HELP YOU ESCAPE.

HOW DO I KNOW THIS IS NOT SOME GESTAPO SUBTERFUGE?

I HAVE WITH ME THE MONEY.

I SHALL RECOGNIZE IT.

IT IS IN BIG ONES.

THOSE ARE THE BIG ONES.

I HAVE ALSO THE BLADE OF A HACKSAW.

BLACK SUSPENDERS.

OH MY DICKY TICKER.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK.

HE MUST NOT DIE AND TAKE WITH HIM THE SECRET.

WE MUST PUT HIM IN HOSPITAL.

SEND FOR THE AMBULANCE.

OH MY GOD!

OH, BLACK SUSPENDERS.

GOOD EVENING, JACQUES. GOOD EVENING, GILLES.

WHERE ARE THE STAFF?

EDITH, WHERE ARE YOU?

WE ARE OPEN! MIMI? YVETTE?

I AM SORRY, RENE.

I WAS JUST FEEDING THE BABY DUCKS THEIR SUPPER.

HAVE YOU MADE THE PASTY WITH THE POISON PILL?

I HAVE IT HERE.

GOOD MOANING.

OH MY GOD.

GOOD EVENING, OFFICER OF THE LAW.

WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?

I WAS WICKING ALONG THE STROOT

AND SUDDENLY I LOOKED AT MY WATCH AND SAW THE TOMB.

"GOOD GROCIOUS," I SAHD TO MYSELF,

"I SHOULD BE SPOKING

TO MY OPPOSITE NIMBER IN LONDON ON THE ROODIO."

LOOK, IT IS A QUITTER PAST SOX.

HE IS QUITE RIGHT.

COME ON.

AARGH!

A POLICEMAN, GOOD.

SOME VILLAIN HAS STOLEN FROM ME MY EAR TRUMPET.

IT HAS NOT BEEN REPOTTED TO MOO.

WHAT?

EDITH HAS IT.

EDITH, GIVE THIS OLD BAT HER EAR TRUMPET.

I AM SORRY, MAMMA. HERE IT IS.

AND WHERE IS MY SUPPER?

LATER, MAMMA, LATER.

QUICK, THE RADIO!

I WILL SPOOK TO MY SECRET HEADQUITTERS.

DO THEY SPOOK IN ENGLISH OR FRONCH?

WE SPEAK IN FRONCH.

'ALLO, 'ALLO. SECRET AGENT CRABTREE COOLING.

CONNOCT ME TO WOMBLEDON ONE SOX, ONE SOX.

Man: Receiving you lewd and clore.

Hold the loon--

I will connoct you.

MY GOD, THERE IS ANOTHER ONE AT THE OTHER END.

( telephone rings )

Woman: 'Allo?

IS THAT WOMBLEDON ONE SOX, ONE SOX?

Oh no, I think you've got the wrong number, love.

This is MacFisheries...

and we're shut.

BIGGER-- THAT WAS THE WRONG NIMBER.

I WILL HAVE TO CHOCK IT IN MY ADDRESS BIKE.

( Fanny groans )

EDITH!

EDITH!

WHY IS THERE SOUP IN MY EAR TRUMPET?

GIVE IT TO ME.

- ( blows ) - Edith: RENE!

YOU HAVE BLOWN OLD CARROT

ALL OVER THE CLEAN BEDSPREAD!

MICHELLE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

UNDER INTERROGATION,

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS HAD AN HEART ATTACK--

HIS DICKY TICKER.

HE HAS BEEN TAKEN BY AMBULANCE

TO THE GERMAN WING OF NOUVION GENERAL HOSPITAL.

OH, THAT IS TERRIBLE.

HE HAS NOT YET SIGNED THE NEW WILL

LEAVING EVERYTHING TO ME.

WE MUST GET TO HIM BEFORE HE CAN REVEAL

THAT HE OBTAINED THE STOLEN MONEY

FROM THE HAIRDRESSERS.

HAD YOU NOT BEEN TARTING YOURSELF UP WITH PERMANENT WAVE,

WE WOULD NOT BE IN THIS MESS.

YOU TRY SITTING IN A STEAMY SEWER,

WAITING TO THROW A BOMB AT A PASSING TANK.

YOUR HAIR WOULD GO STRAIGHT.

I HAVE A PLAN TO RESCUE MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

LOOK, MAMMA IS EATING THE PASTY!

- OH MY GOD! - SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!

Michelle: WHY ALL THE FUSS?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT?

IT CONTAINS A SUICIDE PILL

TO PREVENT HIM BEING INTERROGATED BY THE GESTAPO.

GESTAPO, GESTAPO.

THANK HEAVENS,

IT IS INTACT.

LUCKY SHE WAS NOT WEARING HER TEETH.

YOU WERE SAYING, MICHELLE?

WE MUST GET INTO THE HOSPITAL

TO RESCUE MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

TO DO THIS, WE WILL DISGUISE OURSELVES

AS AMBULANCE WORKERS.

WE WILL HAVE A TROLLEY WITH A FALSE BOTTOM.

IN THE FALSE BOTTOM WILL BE

A DUMMY OF MONSIEUR ALPHONSE

WEARING PAJAMAS.

ON THE TOP OF THE TROLLEY,

WILL BE AN EMERGENCY CASE.

WE WILL LOCATE MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,

EXCHANGE HIM FOR THE DUMMY,

AND THEN, OUR EMERGENCY PATIENT

WILL DEMAND A SECOND OPINION IN ANOTHER HOSPITAL,

AND WE WILL PUSH THEM BOTH OUT.

WHO WILL BE THE EMERGENCY PATIENT?

YOU.

ME?

WITH FOOD POISONING.

OH, NO, NO.

NOT A CAFE OWNER WITH FOOD POISONING.

IT WILL RUIN MY BUSINESS!

HOW DO YOU FANCY A HERNIA?

ALL RIGHT,

FOOD POISONING IT IS.

HELGA, ARE YOU QUITE CERTAIN

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS NOT SPILT THE BEANS?

HE WAS TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL

BEFORE HERR FLICK COULD QUESTION HIM.

YOU NO TELL ME THAT DOUGH

BELONG TO THE GESTAPO.

YOU GET ME IN HOT WATER.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE SO DAMNED GREEDY.

COLONEL, IT IS MY UNDERSTANDING

THAT HELGA HAS A PLAN.

BRAINS AND BEAUTY,

WHAT A COMBINATION.

SHUT UP.

WE MUST RESCUE HIM OR ELIMINATE HIM.

WHAT IS THE ELIMINATION PLAN?

AN EXPLODING BEDPAN.

THAT APPEALS TO ME.

EXCUSE ME FOR ASKING,

BUT HOW IS IT ACTIVATED?

BY REMOTE CONTROL.

HOW DO WE KNOW WHEN THE BEDPAN IS,

AS IT WERE, IN POSITION?

IN IT, THERE IS A MICROPHONE.

WE WILL HEAR THE VOICE OF THE NURSE

WHEN SHE GIVES IT TO HIM.

IF I MARRY THIS LADY,

I HAVE A VERY EXCITING LIFE,

BUT I DON'T GO TO THE BATHROOM.

( heart monitor beeping )

HOW YOU FEELING, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?

THE THOUGHT OF RETURNING

TO THE GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS

HAS MADE ME JUST A LITTLE TENSE.

- KEEP CALM. - ( beeping speeds up )

YOUR HEART IS DOING VERY WELL.

WAIT HERE.

I WILL TRY AND FIND OUT

WHICH ROOM MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS IN.

WHAT IS THIS IDIOT DOING HERE?

IT IS A GOOD DISGEESE.

I CAN WICK ANYWHERE IN THE HOSPITAL

WITHOUT AREESING SISPOOCION.

ALL THEY CAN SEE IS MY EEBREWS.

I HAVE ONE DUMMY UNDER THE TROLLEY,

AND ANOTHER ONE PUSHING IT.

IF WE ARE IN TROUBLE,

WE WILL FIGHT OUR WAY OUT.

( whispering ) I HAVE THE KNIFE.

WHERE IS THE GUN?

AT THE FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE,

I WILL GRAB IT.

GIVE IT TO ME.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

AH, MADAME EDITH.

( beeping very fast )

JUST THE SIGHT OF YOU

HAS ACTIVATED MY MACHINERY.

WE HAVE COME TO RESCUE YOU.

NOW, KEEP CALM

AND DO AS YOU ARE TOLD.

I AM ENTIRELY IN YOUR HANDS, MADAME.

( beeping extremely fast )

ONCE AGAIN, MY IMAGINATION RUNS RIOT.

QUICK, HE IS IN HERE.

REMOVE THE WIRES FROM HIS CHEST.

IT IS ATTACHED TO ME BY STRONG HOSPITAL TAPE.

IT WILL BE OVER VERY QUOCKLY

IF YOU GIVE HIM ONE STRONG PILL.

I AM READY.

GAH!

AAH!

WE WILL HOLD HIM DOWN WHILE YOU PULL.

AAH!

AAH!

NEVER MIND. GET HIM ONTO THE TROLLEY,

WE'LL TAKE THE MACHINE WITH US.

COLONEL, THE COAST IS CLEAR.

MAKE CERTAIN WE ARE IN COMMUNICATION WITH HELGA.

BEDPAN TO CONTROL,

BEDPAN TO CONTROL.

Helga: Hello, Bedpan,

hello, Bedpan.

Control here.

WE ARE RECEIVING YOU.

WE ARE READY TO ACTIVATE.

SHALL I PRESS THE PLUNGER?

NOT UNTIL YOU HEAR THE AGREED SIGNAL.

TELL ME AGAIN THE AGREED SIGNAL.

A VOICE WILL SAY,

"HERE IS THE BEDPAN."

YOU COUNT TO 10, AND THEN YOU PLUNGE.

10 AND THEN PLUNGE.

WHAT IS YOUR POSITION?

WE ARE INSIDE THE HOSPITAL,

PROCEEDING TO THE SECOND FLOOR.

WE ARE INSIDE THE HOS--

WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO YOUR BEDPAN?

SHE'S PSYCHIC,

A PATIENT OF HERS DIED ON IT.

IS THERE ANYBODY THERE?

IS THERE ANYBODY THERE?

KNOCK ONCE FOR YES,

TWICE FOR NO.

( knocks once )

Edith: ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?

AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED.

WHAT ABOUT ME? NOBODY ASKS

IF I AM ALL RIGHT.

SHUT UP.

QUICK, THROUGH THE DOOR.

- WAIT! - WHAT?

WE MUST COVER THE DUMMY.

MY GOD, THERE IS A GERMAN SOLDIER COMING.

DO NOT GIVE ME AWAY, MONSIEUR.

( monitor beeping very fast )

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

BEEP BEEP BEEP...

- ( flatulent sound ) - BEEEEEP.

BEEP BEEP BEEP...

AH!

WHERE IS THE FRENCH PEASANT WOMAN?

I AM READY TO PERFORM THE CAESAREAN.

SHE IS WAITING HERE, DOCTOR.

BRING HER IN.

THERE, THAT IS BETTER.

QUICK, WE MUST GET THE TROLLEY AND SCARPER.

IT IS GONE.

HOW CAN IT BE GONE?

I KNOW RENE.

HE WILL HAVE WHEELED IT OUT HIMSELF.

THE GUARDS!

LET US GAY OUT THE BACK WEE.

HIS NAME IS ON THE DOOR.

HE WILL BE IN HERE.

I WILL POSITION THE DEVICE.

HERE IS THE BEDPAN.

THAT IS THE SIGNAL.

10, NINE, EIGHT--

STOP, STOP, FALSE ALARM.

I WAS HANDING IT TO THE COLONEL.

GRUBER, YOU FOOL.

YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME.

ONLY TAKE YOUR ORDERS

WHEN YOU HEAR ME SPEAK.

Helga: Yes, Colonel.

RIGHT. WE WILL SHOVE IT UNDER,

AND WE WILL RUN.

HERE IS THE BEDPAN.

Both: FOUR, THREE,

TWO, ONE,

PLUNGE!

( explosion )

THE R.A.F. ARE BOMBING US!

INTO THE SHELTERS!

( coughing )

OH MY GOD,

MY DICKY TICKER.

( theme music playing )