Original subtitles

(Radio crackles)

(Cottam ) Next time you stop to buy chips,

remember to put the handbrake on'

Yes, sir.

At least the radio still works, sir.

My office, both of you, now!

- Sit down. - We'd rather not if you don't mind.

- It's our trousers, sir. - They're wet, you know?

Yes, I know. I know.

Get very itchy, sir, you know, when they're wet.

Sir, do you mind if we...

- If you what, Briggs? - Took them off, sir.

When I heard that your car had sunk in 15 feet of water,

part of me hoped you were inside. Can you understand that?

- Yes, sir. - Louis?

- Yes, sir. - "They're dead, " I thought. "Oh, good!

"How can you think that?" I thought. "Easy, " I thought.

I mean, I'm not normally a vindictive man.

But what actually am I supposed to do with two... Stop dripping on my carpet!

- Sorry, sir. - Is there anything,

anything at all, that either of you is actually any good at? Anything?

No, sir.

- Nothing at all? - No, sir.

- Well, I'm pretty good at art, sir. - Art?

Yeah. I always fancied doing those Photofit drawings,

you know, the ones they put up in post offices.

Well, if you're going to mention stupid things like art, I can play the guitar, sir.

Oh, you can play the guitar? Isn't that marvellous? You can play the guitar.

You play the guitar?

- Yes, sir. - What about you, Briggs?

- Me, sir? - Do you play any instruments?

I can play Feelings on the mouth organ, sir.

Liar.

Really?

And I can get halfway through I Come From Alabama.

A mouth organist and a guitarist.

You know, I think I might have an assignment for you two.

(Cottam) Shot through the head. The only witness was a Labrador.

Lights, please.

Sorry, I'm late, sir. Band practice.

Ah, Detective Constable Simpson. You know these two, don't you?

If I'd known it was gonna be that sort of film, I'd have come earlier.

Our trousers got a bit damp.

I see. Dangerous assignment, is it?

As a matter of fact, Simpson, it is.

We're investigating a gangland killing. Fellow called Tony Mazola.

One of the old school. Vicious but did a lot of work for charity.

Bastards shot him as he was handing a cheque to the Institute for the Blind.

Anybody see anything, sir?

Word is that Mazola's death will trigger an all-out gangland war on our manor.

When I said did anybody see anything, I didn't mean see anything.

Professionals. Armed to the teeth. Ruthless.

And I need you three to help sort 'em out.

Room for another pair of trousers on the radiator, sir?

- Why us, sir? - Isn't that more Flying Squad territory?

- They're very good at this sort of thing. - I chose you three specially.

And I chose you because you all play musical instruments.

- Oh. - We've heard a whisper

the bloke behind this murder is Danny Kane.

Runs a nightclub in Hackney. He has a live band playing in the club every night.

We've pulled a few strings and managed to get you three a one week's residency.

As of Sunday, you will be the Three Vaqueros.

- Vaqueros? - Spanish for cowboys.

I thought of the name myself.

Now, you, Louis, on guitar, Briggs, mouth organ and... what is it you play?

French horn or kazoo, sir. Depends how much I've had to drink.

You're going to have to get practising if we're gonna pass you off as a real band.

Just learn a few simple tunes. You should get away with it.

But remember, all three of you. Keep your eyes and ears open.

(All) Yes, sir.

No heroics.

I don't want you three getting out of your depth and trying anything silly.

You mean like Bohemian Rhapsody, sir?

Tell me, who did you guys used to be?

- What do you mean? - You were big in the '60s, right?

(Both) Oh!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We did er... Thank Your Lucky Stars,

Ready Steady Go, all that, yeah.

Did you ever meet Hendrix?

Jimbo. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I've still got his teeth marks on me fretboard.

It's great for all you old guys to be back on the road again.

- My name's Polish Joe. - Nice to meet you er... Polish.

- This is DC Briggs. - MC... Briggs.

Badass motherkicker.

General funkmaster.

- Sorry. I didn't catch your name. - Oh, they call me Old Slowcoach.

- Slowhand. - Slowhand.

So who's the old guy?

Sammy Simpson, The Forces' Sweetheart.

So let's hear you play.

- Play? - Sure.

Take me back to the Summer of Love.

Right. Are you ready?

Hang on. I haven't got my lips ready yet.

OK, lads. Remember what I said in rehearsals. It's not a race.

OK. Here we go. Ready?

Ready.

OK, Bob. Start.

Give us a G.

I know what the chord is.

One, two, a-one, two, three, four...

d It's impossible, tell the sun to leave the sky

d It's just impossible

(French horn blast)

d It's impossible

It's like singing on the bloody QE2, this is.

d It's impossible

- What the hell are you playing? - Floral Dance.

- What happened to It's Impossible? - Are you still on that?

d Split the second that I never think of you

d How impossible d

(French horn blast)

I tell you what, I'm shaking like a leaf here.

Where's soddin' Alice Cooper got to?

He rushed off to the bog to swill his head under the tap.

I thought he was going to have a stroke during My Generation.

Well, that wasn't three bad. Pint of lager, please. Keep my lips wet.

- Wow. - Did you like it?

I don't know. It was just so er... different. What is it?

Just a few of the old favourites we used to do with the police band.

- Police? - Yeah. You know. Sting.

You were The Police?

He was a sort of roadie in the old days.

While they were still The Cadets.

He wrote the words to De Do Do, De Da Da Da, mate.

- Oh-oh. - What is it?

It's the boss man, and he don't look too happy.

God. Tell him we'll do some slower numbers after the break

and some numbers without any French horn in it.

It ain't you that's the problem. Music's the last thing on his mind.

- He's got troubles. Real troubles. - What sort of troubles?

Heard of Tony Mazola?

Is he the gangster from south of the river who got murdered?

- You. How do you know that? - He read it in the paper.

Well, the word is the people that blew Tony Mazola away

are planning to kill Danny Kane too.

So... Danny didn't do it, did he?

What are you saying?

I was singing.

Dandy-diddy-doo-dee, did-ee. It's one of our numbers.

I thought you said, "Danny didn't do it, did he?"

No, no. Dandy-diddy-doo-dee, did-ee.

Like De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da.

Danny didn't do it, did he?

Anyway, he was sniffing around but he had nothing to do with Mazola's murder.

They were buddies. The people that blew Mazola away are from out of town,

and they're bad, real bad.

Joe? I want Charlie, Mick and Georgie round the back,

the others at the front.

No one gets in except the Archbishop of Canterbury

and I want him strip-searched.

I don't trust nobody till we find these clowns.

- Speaking of which, who are these? - It's the band, boss.

- Kosher? - No, the Three Vaqueros.

- Do they do requests? - I don't know.

If they do, tell them to play Killing Me Softly. It might be appropriate.

Do you want the standard Roberta Flack arrangement or...

Fine.

(Dave) Woo! Phew!

Oh, wow! Oh...

That was a number dedicated to all you little ladies out there.

It was called Feelings and I hope you liked it.

Feelings? I wasn't playing Feelings.

- Thank you, Bob. - Were you playing Feelings?

I'd now like to play one of my own personal favourites

and I know that you're gonna like this one.

And it's a song that always takes me back to my time in that city by the bay.

Swansea.

The lovely, lovely lady I met one night at the chip shop.

So if you're with someone very special this evening,

I want you to reach out and touch them.

And listen to these beautiful lyrics.

(Snores)

Hope they mean as much to you as they do to me.

One, two, three...

(All shout)

Keep playing.

d Imagine there's no heaven

d It's easy if you try

d No hell below us

d Above us only sky

d Imagine all the people

d Living for today

d Whoa-oh-oh d

- What the hell are you guys doing here? - Look, those masked intruders.

One of them didn't leave a card by any chance, did they?

- Yeah, they left names and addresses. - For God's sake, Dave.

- I'm telling you, it was a woman. - A woman?

Look, she kissed me and it was definitely a woman.

You think I don't know what it feels like to be kissed by a man?

Don't start.

- What happened to the old guy? - They roughed him up a bit, you know.

- Bad? - Let's put it like this.

He'll have to stand up to play his horn from now on.

So who did this? Music lovers?

Nobody knows, man. That's why the boss called a big powwow,

a summit meeting for all the big-time hoods.

In half an hour, this place will be full of the most dangerous guys in London.

So if I were you, I'd be outta here.

Good idea. Come on, Dave. Let's go.

Bob? Where are you going?

Out. Home. The pub.

Anywhere. Let's get outta here.

- It's great, that is. - What is?

Here's our big chance and you wanna go down the pub.

I'm not staying here. You know what the Super said.

"Don't do anything silly. Don't get out of your depth."

Well, 20 feet under the Thames in a concrete overcoat is out of my depth.

Bob, Bob, Bob. Don't you know a golden opportunity when you see one?

If we get the SP on these villains, we get back in the Super's good books.

They have specially trained policemen.

They don't have to know we're here.

What are we gonna do? Hide?

Where?

Oh, no. No. No, no, no.

No, David. No!

So their game is blackmail and extortion. They've got the inside info on all of us.

They had a go at Harry the Horse, Scarf ace Bill. Big Gino's in hospital.

You can see the mess they made of this place, not to mention Tony Mazola.

None of you have any idea where this outfit comes from?

Don't the law have any leads?

Police? Don't talk to me about pigs.

We don't want those two-faced double-crossing bastards involved.

(Squeaks)

- What was that? - Feedback.

- What is it? - Might be our only clue.

Came through on my answerphone last night.

It's a blackmail demand. Says it's from that new mob.

They want 200 grand more or they'll tell the law about my forgery scam.

- How do they know about that? - They know everything about everyone.

Here you are, Joe. Stick this on and turn it up. Let's all hear what they say.

(Woman ) You know what's good for you, Ronnie'

Don't wanna lose your livelihood, do you?

200 grand' You can call it insurance' Otherwise we make a phone call'

Give the Old Bill, you know, chapter and verse'

We'll be in touch, sweetheart'

- I wanna hear that again. - Oh, no!

- What? - Nothing.

And turn it up this time. I think I might just recognise that voice.

You know what's good for you, Ronnie'

Don't wanna lose your livelihood, do you?

200 grand' You can call it insurance'

Otherwise, we make a call' Give the Old Bill, you know, chapter and verse'

OK, lads. What's the whisper?

I said, what's the whisper?

(Shouts) I wonder when the Super's gonna get here.

What?

I wonder when the Super's gonna get here.

Have you two gone completely mad?

What did you say, Dave?

The bloke behind.

So you made it, then, sir?

Will you stop shouting?

Lager.

You're supposed to be undercover, for Christ's sake.

About ten minutes, sir.

It's our ears. We've damaged our ears.

No, no. We've damaged our ears, sir.

For God's sake, keep it down. Do you want everybody to hear?

Yes, sir. It's our ears.

No, sir. It's our ears.

OK. OK.

I want you very, very quietly, to tell me exactly what you've heard.

Tell me everything you've picked up about Danny Kane.

I want names, times, faces, places.

Got it?

OK. Shoot.

- Honestly, you won't believe it. - They're sort of like James Last on acid.

(Girl) They make Right Said Fred look like The New Seekers.

No sign of them yet, boss.

It's amazing what young people listen to, nowadays, isn't it, boss?

- OK? Ready? - I've started, son.

Come on, then.

d Neighbours

d Everybody needs good neighbours

d Just a friendly wave each morning

d Helps to make a better day... d

- This is it, boss. - What's he look like?

- She, boss. - Sweet surprise.

Well, bloody hell. I might have guessed. If it ain't the merry widow.

d Neighbours become good friends

d Yeah d

(Applause and cheering)

You ruined that. That was me best bit.

Blimey.

- Good work, Briggs. - Thank you, sir.

I had a bit of trouble with the eyes... and the nose.

And the mouth. Though, if I say so myself, it's not a bad likeness.

I still think it looks like Meryl Streep.

(Cottam) Yeah, that's definitely her.

So who is she?

We have it on good authority that the woman you saw was Irene Mazola.

- Mazola? - Yeah. Wicked world, isn't it, Louis?

Tony Mazola's wife.

So it was her who bumped off Tony?

Bumped him off. Now she's using all the records he kept over the past 20 years

to blackmail his business associates.

Clever. Damn clever.

- So what about the rest of the gang, sir? - They're all women.

Wives and girlfriends of villains.

Seems they think they can do a better job than their husbands.

Bloody hell. Women.

Women.

Used to be called the gentler sex.

Content to stay at home and look after the kids. Oh, no.

Try your best. You work all the hours God sends

and they run off with the ginger-haired bloke behind the counter at NatWest.

What, sir?

Still, good luck to her, I say.

- What do you want us to do? - Do? What can I do?

She won't even answer the phone.

No, sir. What do you want to do about Irene Mazola?

Do? Oh. Right.

We've learned that the Mazola gang have a headquarters in the West End.

And that's where I want you two to go next.

It's a women's only health club called The Convent.

The gang meet there every Thursday in the sauna. It's where they plan stick-ups.

Isn't this gonna be a bit... tricky, sir?

Oh, you mean two men in a women's only health club?

Well, it is a consideration, sir.

I have a plan. It's all under control.

You two like the water, don't you?

With the money Danny Kane's given us,

we can go to work on Charlie MacPhearson's greyhound operation.

My Tony, he had it all on tape.

Ouch. Ooh! Ah!

This stuff's horrible. Keeps whipping all the hairs out of my legs.

I told you to use that talcum powder. Come on, let's get it over with.

So, girls, another holiday in Rio, eh?

Thanks to Charlie the Ball Squeezer.

Which is right where we've got him.

(Knock on door)

Er... Plumbers. We've got a blockage.

OK.

Sorry about this. Seems to be something blocking the filtration unit.

I think we're gonna have to blow out the system.

Give us that, Mand.

Right. Right. Now, Sharon, I want you on the wheels, OK?

Rose? Do remember to bring the shooter, hmm?

And watch out, girls, for them undercover cops.

I heard a whisper that they're right on our tail.

What the bloody hell's that?

That's the cops. Come on, everyone!

Up there, Bob!

(All scream)

Could have been so nice, sweet pea.