Original subtitles

You've got to be the only detective in the force

who still uses a slot meter for his electricity.

It's economical.

Fancy a cup of tea?

I mean, look at the state of this place.

What's the matter with it?

If you were a goldfish, I'd change your water. What's that smell?

Which one?

It's the fridge. It went off when the electricity was cut off.

- Milk and sugar? - Just sugar.

A bloke on his own doesn't have to live like a gerbil, you know.

Just need a few homely touches. A vase of flowers. Scatter cushions.

A poster of a tennis player scratching her bum.

On my salary, you have to make economies.

You get paid the same as me, don't you?

Yeah.

But not for long though.

What do you mean?

Well... I'm going for that promotion, you know, that's up on the notice board.

Detective sergeant.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Promotion? - Yeah.

- You? - Yes!

(Laughs)

The Super said if I applied myself,

got a couple of convictions, I'd have a good chance.

He also said, "Keep your nose clean"

"and I'll recommend you for a second interview."

How do you know that?

Said the same thing to me.

You're going for it as well?

- Yeah, I might. - Promotion?

Yeah.

- You? - Yeah.

Oh.

- Sandwich? - No, thank you.

Ah. Briggs. Louis. Take a seat.

- Everything all right? - (Both) Fine thank you, sir.

Good. I've received something from Interpol.

Er... just a minute, sir.

Can I interrupt for a minute to explain to Bob what Interpol is?

Imagine it as a sort of worldwide police force.

That's what Interpol is. All right?

Carry on, sir.

Our colleagues in Europe believe that one of Britain's leading arms dealers

has crossed the very fine line between legitimate business

and illegal gun-running.

- Oh, good shot, sir. - "Good shot, sir."

By the name of McKenna. Johnny McKenna.

One of the big boys. He has links with the mafia, BOSS, Mossad,

the Chinese Tongs in Soho. He's dangerous. Very dangerous.

Interpol reckon he's planning one of his biggest operations yet

and they want us in on the act.

So what I'm saying is, we're asking for volunteers.

Well, that's very courageous of both of you.

Do either of you play golf?

- Golf? - I do, sir.

And me, sir.

Do you have a handicap, Louis?

Not that I know of, sir.

Don't you even know what a handicap is?

Did you hear that, sir? He doesn't know what a handicap is.

You'll know what a handicap is in a minute.

Come on, Louis. Come and have a go.

I am impressed. That's the perfect golfing grip.

Is it? I mean... Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah.

You see, this McKenna fella likes to do all his business on the golf course.

Thinks he can't be overheard.

Tomorrow he's playing a round with one of Colombia's most feared drugs barons.

Take your stance, Louis.

My word, you do know your stuff. That's a very good stance.

His knees could be a little more bent, couldn't they, sir?

Oh, I don't know. Looks all right to me.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's not bad.

It's just the way his trousers are hanging off his silly thin legs.

What we need to do is have a couple of our boys

following this McKenna round on the golf course

and record everything he and this fella say to each other.

You'll be disguised as golfers.

And the boffins have an ingenious way of hiding the microphone.

Ready, Louis?

- Sir? - Ready to take your shot?

Oh. Yes, sir.

Right. Remember, eye on the ball,

lift the club gently, knees slightly bent, think about the hole.

Knees bent, lift the club gently.

Now hit it.

- Hit it? - Hit it.

Give us a hand, then.

Want a hand now, do we, Mr Clever Clogs?

Mr Know It All?

"Bob doesn't know what Interpol means."

"You don't know what a handicap is, do you, Bob?"

- You were pathetic, you were. - I was pathetic?

"Oh, sir. Good shot, sir. Just like Nick Faldo, sir."

I did not talk like that. Let's go.

What are you doing?

I'm pushing the trolley with the clubs to the tee.

No, no, no, no, no. Just... just stand back.

Now what's the matter?

Remote control. This is the 1990s.

When you're taking your exercise

you don't want to be pushing a big heavy trolley around.

People only take up golf cos they're too knackered to play anything else.

(Cottam ) Briggs, Louis, can you hear me? Over'

Receiving you loud and clear, sir.

This is Briggs, by the way. Briggs receiving you loud and clear.

And me, sir. I can hear you as well, sir.

Now, listen carefully, both of you.

What you have in your hand

is a very sensitive and delicate two-way radio mic and receiver.

So don't keep banging it about.

Find McKenna and get close enough for us to pick up what he's saying.

Understood?

Loud and clear, sir. Understood.

This is Louis saying, I am receiving you.

Putting you gently back in the bag, sir. Over and out.

Yes, yes. Understood. I'll tell him and I'll pass on your apologies. Goodbye.

Mr McKenna. Is Mr McKenna in the club?

I have a message for Mr McKenna.

- Mr McKenna. - That's me.

Ah, Mr McKenna. I've just had a call from Mr Valdez.

- He's stuck at Heathrow. - Valdez?

He's having difficulty with the customs.

Won't be able to join you on the course. Sends his apologies.

- Oh, damn. - I could speak to the club professional.

I know he'd be delighted to jump into the breach, as you might say.

That's nice of you. Yes, I'll take the rookie out and give him a thrashing.

Right, then. I suppose we'd better hang around until McKenna comes out.

One, two. One, two.

Testings, testings. This is Louis doing the testings.

Not so bloody close, Louis!

Sorry, sir.

There he is.

That must be the Colombian bloke.

I think we've got our mark, sir. Dark, wavy hair, sun tan, shifty eyes.

All right, let's go.

God, he's crap. He missed.

Huh.

He'll never get that back.

(Cottam ) Come in' Over'

Louis here, sir. Over.

You'll have to get closer. I can't hear a thing they're saying.

OK. We've got to get closer. They can't hear what they're saying.

- That went high. - And you'll go high later.

How did he get that swerve on it?

- I'll start, shall I? - OK.

- Which one do you want? - I don't know.

- Give us that thin one. - This one?

Do we really need all these spares?

Let's leave them behind and collect them later.

Right.

Come on, get on with it.

I'm trying to get my stance right, OK?

Just hit it, otherwise we'll lose them.

- One. - What do you mean, one?

- That was one. This'll be your second. - That was a practice swing.

Practice swing? Yeah. Huh! Go on. Give it some wazzer.

- Two. - That's not two. That's one.

Two. Come on. Let me have a go.

All that faffing about. I'm just gonna give him one.

- Ouch! - Sorry, sir.

One.

Oh, so when I have a practice it counts, does it?

That wasn't a practice shot, that was a divot shot.

- It was a practice swing. - One, one, one.

It doesn't matter. They're getting away. Let's go.

Piece of piddle.

He's not with me.

See, Johnny, I'd like that backswing to be nice and smooth,

full turn, right the way back,

that width on the arc's very important.

Hello.

Lost ball.

Bloody ridiculous having all these trees on a golf course, isn't it? Daft.

People must be losing their balls in there all the time.

Very easy to lose your balls on a golf course, pal.

- They're talking. Cover me. - What?

Stand in front of me. Cover the microphone.

Don't mind us. Just carry on.

Don't be embarrassed. We're crap as well.

Just carry on as if we weren't here.

You having a laugh? Leave this to me.

You two boys new to golf, are you?

Yeah.

It's very important you have strong arms. The wrists must be strong as well.

- You understand that? - What was I saying the other day?

Wrists.

And the legs. Need strong legs at this game.

- Didn't I say? - Legs.

It's very hard to play the game if your arms and your legs are broken.

Just a word of advice. Do you understand?

You do understand, don't you? And you?

- What...? - Hey!

Think I might have got underneath that one a bit.

83.

82.

Must have lost them, Bob.

It's your fault. You took ages on that last shot.

Briggs, Louis, what's going on? Over.

It's Briggs, sir. Briggs has lost them, sir.

I have not! We're having to waste time looking for Bob's balls in the rough.

- He thinks it's the Ryder Cup. - You haven't hit a ball straight!

- Come on. We'll find them. - We've been in the woods over there.

Pair of pillocks.

They must have gone on to the 17th.

Look, we miss out this next hole,

we can go over and meet them on the 18th tee.

That is a good idea, Bob.

Oh. Thank you.

- You go first. - OK. Follow me.

Sir, Briggs speaking.

I've had a good idea. We're going to miss the next hole and meet them on the 18th.

- We've come out too far up. - Oh, shut up.

Bob's brought us out too far up, sir.

- How far do you make that? - About 220.

- We can't go back. - We'll have to go to the 19th hole.

There aren't 19 holes.

Sir, Dave thinks there's 19 holes.

Oh, hark at him. Peter Aliss!

"The 19th hole" is golfing terminology for the pavilion, actually.

Actually.

Sorry about that, sir. Bob's going mad.

Sir, Dave's fallen over.

Well played.

That's a gentleman. Now, what do you want?

- It's the two blokes at the bar, boss. - What about 'em?

- Bill thinks he knows one of them. - Really?

You see the skinny one? Looks like a ferret?

- What about him? - He's a copper.

- I've seen him down West End Central. - Copper?

Well, could be off duty, boss.

Off-duty coppers couldn't afford the green fees here.

Think they might be onto the Valdez deal?

Let's find out. Invite those two clowns up to the committee room.

We'll have a little chat with them.

And bring that golf club with you, cos I just might need it.

- Enjoy your round, gentlemen? - (Both grunt)

Just a word of advice. It's best not to head the ball in this game.

But I suppose, being policemen,

you've got the sort of thick heads that don't break easily.

Tell me, boys, do you think they'll break easily?

Listen, you, what are you doing here and what do you know?

Come on. Talk.

I don't care how much you torture me, you'll not make me talk... sir.

Sir?

Come on' Talk'

I suppose we'd better go and get them out of there.

Pity though. If we go in now we'll blow the whole operation.

I mean, McKenna doesn't know that the golf club is miked.

If he mentions Valdez and the arms shipment once, we'll have him.

- Good thinking. - I'm sure they can take a bit of pressure.

Yes. Now we've finally got McKenna talking, be a shame to call it all off.

- Well done, Sergeant... - Williams, sir.

Williams.

If you don't fancy a little chat, how about a game of golf?

Or even a game of snooker? Does that suit you, ferret face?

Cover his mouth.

We don't want his screams disturbing the members, do we?

Ferret face?

(Mumbles)

This game's called Know Your Golfing Partner.

(Mumbles)

You find out just how good a friend your partner really is.

(Screams)

Tell me what you know about Valdez.

Do you think that I, DC Briggs, am afraid of a little physical pain?

Do you think you can break a loyal, hardworking copper

with a bit of vile, medieval torture?

- Eh? - (Muffled screams)

Listen, you prat. Who told you about my arms shipment to Valdez?

If you think I'm going to reveal my sources, you're out of your mind.

That's right. Turn up the electrical current on my testicles.

Yeah. Ooh! Ooh!

Yes, go on. Give it some. Yeah. Go. Go.

I'm I'm beginning to feel sorry for you. Your partner's bloody mad.

What, Bob? Tell him?

(Muffled shouting)

Oh, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.

Think of the consequences.

Just for a minute, think about it.

See it in its wider context.

Forget my pain.

Take a more senior officer's view.

- (Screams) - OK?

Sir, with respect, he's mentioned the Valdez arms shipment. We can go in.

You're right, lad. Can't expect Briggs to take any more punishment.

Send in the backup.

OK, last chance. And these hurt.

(Muffled shouting)

- (Crunching) - (Squeals)

(Cottam ) You're nicked, McKenna'

Over.

Must be painful, that.

Nothing worse.

You feel all sick, don't you, and sort of dizzy.

You lose interest in everything.

Makes my eyes water, that does.

They'll come up like a couple of coconuts in the morning.

Ice. Get me some ice.

Ice. Right.

No problem.

Whoops.

Well done. I can't see McKenna getting away with this one.

Are you all right, Briggs?

Must have been very unpleasant in there.

If it had been up to me, we'd have got you out and missed the whole thing.

It was Williams who had the idea to tough it out.

Sir. Sir.

What is it, er... Louis?

Erm... promotion, sir?

I don't see why not.

Think you can handle it, Williams, up at the top?

Bright lad. Come on, Williams.

And Louis, get your feet off the furniture. This is a respectable place.

(Screams)