Original subtitles

(Lads shout)

Gazza!

- On the wing! - Come on!

- Here, Ref! Here, Ref! Look at that! - Offside, Ref.

Psycho, come on!

Tom, Tom, here!

Yeah, get in!

- Shoot! - Keeper!

Keeper!

Woo! Stevie!

Take your time, Gazza.

Got it.

(Siren)

(Both chant) Here we go, here we go!

- City! - United! Thanks for the lift, Crusher.

Cheers, pal. City!

Danny!

(Groaning)

d Wembley, Wembley, Wembley d

Yes! Yes!

Go on, son. Keep going, son. Go on, son. Go on!

(Prisoners cheer)

(Both sing)

United! United!

Come on, you City!

Come on, you Blues.

You got any glasses?

You don't drink out of glasses. You swig out of the can and belch a lot.

Birmingham City fans have evolved a bit since the Bronze Age. Got any glasses?

God, I'm sorry, Felicity Kendal.

Glasses.

Do a lot of entertaining, do you?

Come on, you Blues!

Sorry, but I've missed the team coach. You couldn't give me a lift, could you?

It is rather urgent.

The official BBC Association Football Cup Final build-up

starts in five seconds from... now.

Four... three... two... one...

( d Match Of The Day theme)

(Both sing along)

Hey!

(TV) Good afternoon' And you join us here at Wembley"'

Hello? Oh, hello, Sergeant.

"Between Birmingham City and Manchester United'."

No. Not inconvenient at all.

A break-out?

How many hostages?

Have they managed to get a tail on him?

Tell Thompson to follow him but no heroics. Just find out where he's going.

Yes, yes, I'll be along.

- How far is your place, then? - It's just along here on the left.

I'm afraid it's a terrible mess.

I didn't know we were going to have a visitor.

They've just turned into Cromwell Road. Definitely two hostages.

- I love the build-up. - Best bit.

How long to go?

Two hours, 14 minutes and 37 seconds.

It's a full nine seconds since you last asked me that.

Time drags when you're nervous.

You've got a lot to be nervous about being a Birmingham City supporter.

Don't start.

I mean, it's a long time since you lot were last in a Cup Final.

- I've noticed a lot of changes. - Here we go.

No laces on the ball. Big lights that come on when it goes dark.

d Here we go, here we go

Crossbars, nets. It isn't a pig's bladder any more, you know.

d Here we go, here we go d

Your lot will probably pick up the ball and head for the nearest church steeple.

d Here we go d

- You finished? - Ooh.

Your glass empty already? We are thirsty.

I can't believe it. Birmingham City in the FA Cup Final.

Yeah, yeah. Well, it should make an interesting game.

Little unknown club like Birmingham City,

taking on the mighty, strutting stormtroopers

of the all-conquering Manchester United.

Sort of David versus Goliath.

A sort of Desert Orchid versus Muffin the Mule.

Bonnie Langford taking on Mike Tyson. Mm... Should be an interesting game.

Dave?

- What? - What did you promise this morning?

I promised... We promised that if we watch the match together,

we wouldn't have any pathetic, childish, infantile abuse about each other's teams.

Exactly.

You started it, flicking Quavers at me during the Bryan Robson interview.

You were kneeling and kissing the television set.

I was only saying what any impartial observer would say.

(TV) We go back once again to John Motson"'

Simply pointing out that your team is going to be hopelessly outclassed,

humiliated, taken to Sketchley's,

made a laughing stock of

in a billion homes around the world.

That's right. Oh, yeah. That's right.

That's it. Go on. Go on.

Let's see the ugly face of football.

Do you know, it's that kind of thing that nearly killed the game. Mm? Mm?

One or two morons spoiling it for the rest of us.

You cannot stand to have a rational, sensible debate about football, can you?

You always resort to mindless violence.

Oh, sorry.

I slipped.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Damn it, he's seen us. We're gonna have to sweat this one out.

This is him, sir.

Brian Edward Phillips. Armed robbery, extortion, hijacking.

Most impressive.

- He's not gonna give up without a fight. - What's the procedure?

We've got to get those two old people out of the house.

Or offer him a swap. Two of our lads in return for the hostages.

If you're after volunteers, I'd like to offer myself.

That's good of you, but there's no point risking lives of perfectly good officers.

No, I think I know just the men for this job.

Ah. Briggs, Louis. Sorry to fetch you out at such short notice.

Hope it isn't too inconvenient.

Inconvenient? I wouldn't call it inconvenient, would you, Dave?

No. I wouldn't call it that.

The situation is very urgent.

We have an armed escaped prisoner holding two hostages in that bungalow.

He's agreed to a swap.

We want to send two of ours in in exchange for the old folks.

- Good idea. - They'll be wired up with radio mics,

then they'll go in and try to make the gunman give himself up.

Yeah, yeah. Great, yeah. Good plan.

Well, that's that sorted out. Er... Let's get back.

We don't want to get under your feet.

- The mics look like this. - Oh.

Very nice. Whatever will they think of next?

And they tape onto the chest like this.

Oh. Ooh, very clever.

You seem to have it all worked out. You lot should have them out in no time.

Well, no use hanging around any longer.

True. Time waits for no man, eh, Dave?

Before you go, I'd just like to say, gentlemen,

I'm full of admiration for both of you.

Oh. Thank you very much.

Thank you, sir. Any time you want any advice, we're always here.

Yeah. A problem shared is a problem halved.

Right. Off you go and good luck.

Luck? With our midfield, luck don't come into it.

By the way, which pair of pillocks volunteered for this on Cup Final day?

(John Motson ) Very tense moments now' Just ten minutes from kick-off

as the Reds of United and the Blues of Birmingham

begin this long walk down the famous Wembley tunnel'

You can't help wondering what's going through their minds'

Perhaps a few nerves creeping in as they hear the Wembley roar for the first time'

One or two of the players, indeed, waving to friends in the crowd'

And for some of these players, you have to say,

just a few months ago, this was the very last thing they were expecting'

But like so many of us, they wouldn't miss this occasion for the world'

Now remember. If anyone so much as farts without my say-so,

I'll take pleasure in putting a bullet in their brains.

I don't believe in taking human life.

But policemen are a different matter. Understand what I'm saying?

He wants to make quite sure you're still alive. So speak.

Go on. Say something.

Bastard.

And you.

Sneaky bastard.

Now, listen. I want a fast car and ten grand in cash within three hours.

Otherwise they both get it. OK?

Bastard.

Bastard, bastard, bastard.

What's the matter with you two? Don't you like my company?

What?

No, no, no. We love your company.

There's nowhere else we'd rather be, is there, Bob?

Well, then, relax. We've got three hours to kill.

And when we've killed three hours, we might even have two policemen to kill.

That was a joke, gentlemen.

So laugh.

(Clock chimes)

It's quarter to three.

Yeah. You know what that means, don't you?

(Both hum Abide With Me)

- What do you make of that? - They're singing to him.

That's good. That's very good.

A classic calming procedure.

I didn't know your men were so well trained.

Three o'clock. There's less than three hours to go now, gentlemen.

So make the most of it, won't you?

Pssst. Pssst.

Did you remember to set the video?

We're sitting here with three hours to live and you are worrying about the video?

- What are you two whispering about? - (Both) Nothing.

- Did you or didn't you? - No, I didn't set the bloody video.

Funnily enough, I didn't think we'd be taken hostage by a homicidal maniac.

- (Gasps) - I told you two to shut it.

Leave this to me.

Video it, sir. Video it.

Video it, sir. Video it.

What's he trying to say?

Sounds like they want us to video it, sir.

Of course. He's talking about video surveillance.

We've got a team ready to go in.

Get a camera round the back of the house right away.

I like Louis' style. His life's at stake and still he's thinking about procedure.

(Clock chimes)

I'm going to check the back of the house.

If either one of you as much as moves, you are dead.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with T.

- Do you give in? - Yes, yes.

Television.

- Television? - Yeah. Right here in front of me.

- I can't see anything. - Look. It's right there.

If it was on, I'd have a perfect view.

Hey. And there's the remote control.

- We can't. - We can if we keep the sound down.

Go on, then. Kick it over here.

Typical Birmingham City pass, eh?

- No touch, no style. Big boot every time. - Get on with it.

Now just watch how I control this with my right...

and then flick it up with my left.

And what are you gonna press the buttons with, clever dick?

- (Crowd roars) - Turn it down, turn it down.

I'm trying.

What's happening?

- Mm? - What's happening?

It looks like one helluva game.

- Oh, nice try! - What nice try? Whose nice try?

What a cracking bit of football.

Go on. Take it all the way. Come on, now. Cross. Cross, you pillock!

Brilliant. Now look what you've done.

Christ, he's coming back. Turn it off. Turn it off.

Go on.

Contact lens.

You two are getting right up my nose.

And you won't like me when you're up my nose.

- (Bob shouts) - What is going on?

It was him. He wanted to watch the Cup Final.

I told him. I said. I said Brian said be quiet. But oh, no... He...

- Cup Final? - Yeah. United v Birmingham City.

- David versus Goliath. - You mean today is FA Cup Final day?

- You mean you didn't know? - I've been inside, haven't I?

Every Saturday for the past seven years, I've sat alone

on a hard, cold bench, staring at a bucket full of excrement.

A bit like being a Birmingham supporter.

- Manchester United and Birmingham? - Yeah.

- Should be a good game. - Plenty of goals.

'Ere, wouldn't it be great if Man United got stuffed?

Oh, wouldn't it? You could be a Birmingham supporter like me

and we could both be against Dave.

We have remote control now. Don't even have to get up to turn the sound up.

Yeah. Yeah. Here it is, here.

All you have to do is just press that button there.

This is exciting stuff as Birmingham City once again move forward'

(Crowd roars)

Bloody microphones. What's that roaring sound?

I don't know. Sounds like the TV.

If it is, we're getting somewhere.

They're obviously trying to relax him.

Those boys of yours are doing a damn fine job.

(Brian) It's not a very good picture, is it?

- No. It's the aerial. - Move it off the telly.

Come back a bit.

That's better. That's getting better.

That's it. Go on. That's great, that's great.

That's perfect.

- Oh! - Lucky devils.

Go on. Ooh!

(Crowd roars)

What the hell is going on?

d And it's Birmingham City

- d Birmingham City FC... d - United, cha-cha-cha...

United, cha-cha-cha.

Cha-cha-cha? Oh, good chant. Very frightening.

- Go on. - Offside!

- He was never offside. - He was a mile offside.

- He was level. - Cobblers. He was a mile offside.

- He was onside. - He was onside.

Get some specs, Ref.

I think what it is is some water's got into the transmitters.

- They must be sweating heavily. - Not surprising.

They must be getting very tense.

- No! - Yes! Go on, my son!

- Please, no! - Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh...

- I could murder a can. - And me.

And me.

Well, we can't exactly nip out to the off-Iicence, can we?

Brian? You're not thinking, are you?

What do you mean?

Well, it's obvious. This is a hostage situation, right?

And in hostage situations, you can ask for anything you want.

Get on the blower to the boss.

Tell him it's 20 cans of lager or the pigs get blown away.

And I'll have some Quavers.

Peanuts for me, actually.

Oh, and how about some Bombay mix?

So that's five packets of Quavers, some dry roasted nuts

and three bags of crisps, not cheese and onion.

We might not be able to get the limes right away.

(Bob and Dave arguing)

What is that animal doing to them?

Half-time.

- Nicely poised. - Nicely poised? We're murdering you.

Get out of it.

Actually, Brian, with it being half-time an' all,

I couldn't half do with a quick Geoff Hurst.

- A Geoff what? - A Geoff Hurst. A burst.

So if you could just untie the ropes for a while...

You think I'm bloody stupid, don't you? You're not going anywhere without me.

If one goes, we all go.

I don't need to go, Brian. I'm blessed with a very large bladder.

If I say you're gonna go, you're gonna go.

You know...

All of a sudden, I do want to go.

OK. I don't want any funny tricks.

All right? We all go to the lavatory together.

And I want you to keep your hands on your heads at all times.

(Bob) Well, I've never seen anything like that.

(Brian) What?

(Bob) How he missed from there, I do not know.

(Dave) It was a difficult angle. (Brian) The surface is wet underfoot.

(Toilet flushes)

Closing the curtains.

That's it. A bit more. Bit more.

Bit more.

That's great.

That's not so good. He's trying to shut out reality.

This could be a critical moment.

Yeah!

Goal!

Goal!

God, I don't think I can take much more of this.

d You're not singing any more

d You're not singing any more

d One-nil, one-nil

d One-nil, one-nil d

Yeah.

Still all to play for.

I want the Armed Response Unit tooled up and ready to go in on my command.

I want a marksman up on the roof.

There are two brave coppers in there. By God, they're friends of mine.

If they die, a little bit of all of us dies.

They're mates, oppos, buddies. They'd do anything for each other.

The least we can do is the same for them.

Just because you're losing.

We haven't lost yet, we haven't lost yet.

You have to resort to chucking things.

- Plenty of extra time with your cloggers. - Want this on your trousers?

Go on. Do you want this?

For God's sake, it's only a bloody game!

- He could have had my eye out. - All right, all right.

(Crowd roars)

(Motson ) Birmingham have equalised in the 89th minute of normal time'

Goal!

Jesus Christ. He's shot them.

No, sir. I can still hear Louis.

- d City! - He seems to be singing.

- What's he singing? - Sounds like "Shit... on... the Villa".

Shit on the Villa, sir.

What is he trying to tell us?

Go on, my son.

(Motson ) Minutes to go in what's been an enthralling contest'

The tension really is growing now'

You can cut the atmosphere here at Wembley with a knife'

Shoot! Shoot, for God's sake!

Shoot!

I don't believe it. He's actually challenging him to shoot him.

Brilliant.

Ah, you missed, you tosser!

OK, that does it. We're going in.

And there's the final whistle' it's all over' 1-1 after extra time'

And that means they'll have to do it all over again on Wednesday evening'

Same place Wednesday, lads?