All language subtitles for The Crooked Fences

( theme music playing )

as you can see,
my situation is desperate.

we were trying to rescue
these two idiot airmen

and of course
the plan went wrong.

now we are all
handcuffed together
and the key is in berlin.

i'm trying to release
myself using this old
hacksaw blade--

- ( clangs )
- --which is broken.

fortunately,
yvette and michelle are on
their way by captured motorcycle

to the establishment
of monsieur alfonse
the undertaker

to borrow
his hammer and chisel,

with which he engraves
names on tombstones.

if he does not hurry,
it will be our names

he will be engraving.

rene, here comes
monsieur alfonse.

oh, thank heaven
for that.

whoa-oa...

( sighs )
good afternoon,
monsieur.

as you see, i've brought
with me this small horse
with the small hearse.

never mind about that.
where are the hammer
and the chisel?

here, i have them.

i have also--
with great presence
of mind--

brought with me
a small tombstone

to act as an anvil.
( grunts )

it has rene's name
on it.

"rene artois,
hero of the resistance."

my mason was
going on holiday.

with the life he is leading,
it could be needed
any day.

- monsieur rene?
- hmm?

( clears throat )

may i trouble you
to hold in place

the chisel?

( hacking coughing )

i should take your watch off
if i were you.

- he doesn't look
very steady.
- ( coughs )

it's all right,
it's shockproof.

here goes.

( coughs )

( groans feebly,
coughs )

- ( groans, coughs )
- what is happening?

- nothing.
- ( clangs )

- japanese rubbish.
- now look here,

we have to get out
of these things
straightaway

or we're all
for the high jump.

- i will shoot it off.
- you will miss.

i will not miss,
i am a marksman.

you?! you are
a terrible shot.

- i will do it.
- no, you will not
do it!

girls, stop it.
can you not see we are
in a right pickle?

you could
of course lie down
on the railway tracks.

the paris express
is due in 27 minutes.

one of us
would have to lie
under the train.

it would only take
four trains.

we would be free
by friday.

i have it-- agent crabtree
will have the keys
to the handcuffs

- at the police station.
- how do we get to the police
station like this?!

we must leave you.

we have to collect
the body of a dead parrot

to go to the pet cemetery.

oh, rene, i do not
want to leave you
like this.

- ( quivering whimper )
- edith: nonsense.

go and open the cafe!

good luck, all of you,
and i will see you
back in nouvion.

( groans, grunts )
gee up.

oh my god, what are
we going to do now?

look,
the workman's hut.

- what good is that?
- i will show you.
come.

i say,
what's going on?

obviously
they are in a blue funk
about something.

i know--
we're going
camping.

edith: lift.

by the left,
quick march.

one two, one two,
one two...

you look
very downcast,
herr flick.

that is because
i am downcast.

i have been plagued
by disaster.

i have had one
staff car blown up,

one staff car flattened
by a steamroller,

i was all but demolished
by an exploding nose,

i have been arrested twice
by von klinkerhoffen

and helga has jilted me
for a wop!

when my godfather,
heinrich himmler,

hears that i have failed
to interrogate the airmen,

i fear my employment
with the gestapo

- may be terminated.
- what are you
going to do?

i must be
prepared to fly.

to this end,
i must obtain cash
in exchange

for the portrait
of the fallen madonna

with the big boobies
by van clomp.

i-- i have lost
the thread.

where is it now?

it is hanging
in the larder of the cafe
of rene artois

in a knockwurst sausage.

it must be sold.

you, von smallhausen,
mix with lowlife
in the district.

- find me a fence.
- i will try, herr flick.

be my friend
in this matter

and you will not
go unrewarded.

you can rely
on me...

otto.

my friends
call me herr flick!

only bosom pals
call me otto.

and your bosom pal has
gone off with an itai.

don't remind me
of that!

( knocks )

- well, what's the news?
- the news is good,
colonel.

the airmen have gone.

frenchmen disguised
as german military personnel
removed them.

- did bertorelli see?
- no, colonel,

i distracted him
by taking off most
of my clothes

and dancing
with him the tango
in my underwear.

do you mean
the black underwear

with the little
swastikas round the edges?

- how did you know about this?
- word gets around.

and in the door
of your luxurious room
in the chateau

is an abnormally
large keyhole.

it seems to me that
when the general
finds out

that the british airmen
have gone,

blame may fall
upon us.

i think it is time
we cashed in our assets.

i nearly cashed in mine
this afternoon.

what had you in mind,
colonel?

we should sell the portrait
of the fallen madonna

with the big boobies
by van clomp
for cash.

then if anything happens,
we're mobile.

where will we sell it?
it was, after all,
stolen from the chateau.

gruber, you deal
with rene often.

he seems to be in touch
with all the villains
in the area.

see if he knows
of a crooked fence.

yes, colonel.

where is the painting
at the moment?

here it is,

and here is
our future!

when the rubbish hits the fan,
we'll divide it three ways.

four ways.

your door also have
the big keyhole.

edith, edith.

oh-oh!

will nobody hear
the cries

of an old woma-aaaan?

here, madame fanny,
i have for you some
onion soup.

oh-oh, why am i left

for hours and hours

without food and gin?

we have all been
away trying to rescue
the british airmen

- from the germans.
- oh, the germans!

i hate them!
( spits )

oh!

i have my grandfather's
dueling pistol

under my pillow.

and the next german i see,
i will shoot.

now now,
madame fanny,
eat up your soup.

- ( moans )
- oh, it was
very exciting.

and we managed
to rescue the airmen.

oh, are they
back in england?

- no, they are
back in the cellar.
- oh.

rene and madame edith
have just opened up
the cafe again.

but where is ernest,

my fiance?

oh, you will be proud
of him-- he drove
the getaway car.

- oh!
- unfortunately, his brakes
failed and he went

through the window
of the pawnbroker's

- and we have not
seen him since.
- oh.

hey-yyy, fanny.

- a cursed german.
- ( gasps )

( yvette screams )

( glass clatters )

- rene, your hand
is still shaking!
- oh.

it is not usual
for you to drink
at this hour of the day.

oh, i am
shattered, edith!

i do not have the stomach
for this kind of thing,
you know.

whatever happens,
you must show no sign
of nerves.

- what if somebody
saw us and recognized us?
- get hold of yourself!

- herr flick
of the gestapo.
- ( both scream )

oh, good evening,
herr flick.

( falters )
do you wish a table?

i can throw some peasants
out into the street.

- a cigar, a free drink?
- oh, sounds good to me.

shut up.

you have
secreted in your larder
a knockwurst sausage

containing the portrait
of the fallen madonna
by van clomp.

the one with
the big boobies.

oh, that one.
yes yes, i was saving it
for you until after the war.

- i require it now.
- yes, of course,
herr flick--

at once.
mimi, mimi, eh--
run down into the cellar

and get
for this nice gestapo
officer his sausage.

it will not be a moment,
herr flick.

i will not take it with me.
i do not wish to be
seen in public

with knockwurst sausage.

you will
bring it to me tonight
at my secret headquarters.

32 rue de gasgoine--

my formerly secret
headquarters.

you peasants may all
start chattering again.
i am leaving.

you cannot
beat the gestapo
as party poopers.

rene, i do not know
which one it is.

it has a little
swastika on it.

oh, i hid it
in a drawer

so it would not be
consumed by accident.

( gasps )
the mice have
eaten it!

they have made
a nest in the portrait

of the fallen madonna
with the big boobies
by van clomp!

you stupid woman!

if you had left this hanging
this would never have happened.

oh, rene, i am sorry.
i have failed you
again.

i will beat myself
with this spaghetti.

- edith.
- ( screams )

for god's sake.

six weeks as a trainee nun
really got to you,

did it not?

- what are we going to do?
- i've had enough of this
gung-ho existence.

my nerves have
gone completely.

i still have two bars
of the general's gold

that we stole
from the police station.

i never found out
where you hid it.

i melted it down.
it is now the weight
on the cuckoo clock.

when the cafe
closes tonight,
we will creep off

and head for the coast.
we will find a boat
and row to england.

but my mother
does not like the sea.

- we will not be taking her.
- i cannot leave my mother
behind.

- you come up
with a better plan.
- well--

rene, lieutenant gruber
wants you in the bar.

- he says that it is urgent.
- ( rene grumbles )

i must compose myself.

he must not
suspect that this could be
the last time we meet.

madame edith,
i think we should go.

monsieur leclerc can
look after your mother

and i will put
a suicide pill
in the cocoa of yvette.

well, it will make
the gold go further.

certainly not!

oh my child,
what has become of you?
money has corrupted you!

it was just an idea.

you must
drive such thoughts
right out of your head.

( screams )

oh, sorry to keep you,
lieutenant.

i was in the larder.
do you wish a cognac?

- a large one.
- ah yes.

i will have one as well.
( chuckles )

you are looking
very pale, rene.

uh, well,
i was stocktaking.

i found i was
a sausage short.

ah, good evening,
lieutenant gruber.

i am glad you are here,
madame edith.
i need your help.

you both have contacts
with the underworld--

i need
a crooked man.

what are you
going to do with him?

when general
von klinkerhoffen finds out

that the airmen
are missing,

things may get
a bit hot.

we must be in a position
to depart hastily

to lisbon, perhaps--
or some neutral country.

for this,
we need money.

we are prepared
to sell the portrait

of the fallen madonna
with the big boobies
by van clomp

at a very
advantageous price.

oh, you need
a bent fence.

yes-- or uh...

an ordinary fence
would suffice.

i see. well,
i'll do what i can.

bless you, rene.
call me as soon as
you have news.

lieutenant gruber,

if we find you a fence,
would the painting be
available immediately?

it is but
a telephone call away.

ah, leave it to us.

- rene.
- huh?

- i have a plan.
- hit me with it.

why do we not arrange
to give lieutenant gruber
the gold for the painting?

then we can give
the painting to herr flick

and we would not
have to leave town
and go to england.

they say
the food is terrible.

you could be right,
but where are we going
to find

a crooked fence
that we can trust?

i think i know
such a man.

colonelo, is rene
from the cafe.

he have-a the good news.
he find-a the fence.

bring him over,
we make-a the deal.

no, not here!
tell him we'll meet him
at the cafe.

i make-a the mistake.
tell him we meet him
at your place.

okay.
is-a fixed.

( doorbell dings )

good moaning.

good moaning.

i want a tible for two
by the wandow.

look, we are very busy,
and you are a very
great risk.

i'm having dinner
with a female british
secret urgent.

she has been dripped
by parashat.

well, for heaven's sake,
do not bring her in here.

we were trooned together
at the school of intoligence.

- you must moot her.
- ( sighs )

this is ronnie artois.

good moaning.

do they not teach
any of you to speak french?

they have a very strange
occent in this dustrict.

i expect
they are posants.

we were trooned
to talk pish.

- rene, the colonel is here.
- oh my god, quick--

sit down--
there there.

and for heaven's sake
keep your voices low.

if there is any trible,
i have a gin in my bog.

i am very glad to hear it.
come in, colonel.
please, this way.

out out, out out.
sit over here,
colonel,

away from the window,
down there.
thank you.

- lieutenant--
- have you fixed
the fence?

oh, yes, i have
fixed the fence, yes.

the ducks will
not escape again.

- what is he talk about, eh?
- it is the man to buy
the painting.

it is most important
that he doesn't
recognize me.

of course,
like you, he does not
wish to be recognized either.

the meeting will take
place in the backroom.

he will be wearing
on his head a paper bag.

hmm, in that case,

i too will wear
a paper bag.

yes, i have one here
for you already.

here,
hang about a minute
and hold everything.

you in the backroom
with the painting
and the money,

while we sit here
like-a the lemons?

how we know you not
scarper through
the back window?

how dare you
impugn the honor
of a german officer?!

how many of you think
i would do a thing
like this?

edith, three more
paper bags, eh?

- yeah ha ha.
- ( fanny sobs )

ernest, my fiance.

dear fanny,
i have come to stuff
your mattress.

could you
say that again?

i have come to stuff
your mattress.

oh, that was what
i thought you said.

for the last
four nights i've
been forging money.

it is for
our honeymoon.

after that,
we can run away

and live
in a little garret

- looking over
the roofs of paris.
- ( laughs )

why do you
not forge some more

then we can get one
with a lift?

- rene?
- huh?

- have you
the paper bag?
- oh yes, it is here.

mimi, go and tell them
the fence is here, eh?

the fence is here.

no no no,
crouch down
behind the bar,

we do not want the customers
to see you.

( whispers )
they are prepared.

- in you go,
monsieur alfonse.
- huh?

no.
( grumbles )

( whispers )

sit down.

no, over there.

now, uh,
this is colonel x.

this is captain x...

lieutenant x,

- and private x.
- lance corporal x.

oh, lance corporal x.

and this is, um...

x.

who is the principal
in this matter with whom
i should negotiate?

the colonelo
von strohm.

you idiot!
we're supposed to be
anonymous, bertorelli!

i am sure that x
will wipe this
from his mind.

( chuckles )
do not worry, monsieur,

we undertakers can
be very discreet.
damn!

we did not
hear that.

he say
the undertakers--
they are very discreet.

- ( wheezing )
- gruber: what is the matter?

it is his dicky ticker.

now, uh...

to business--
we have the painting.

- where is the money?
- here it is.

( gasps )
it is the weight
of a cuckoo clock.

ah, yes,
but it is gold.

look.

we no want-a the gold,
we want-a the money!

on the other hand,

french francs may not
easily be negotiated

where we may be
going.

gold is acceptable
everywhere.

you're quite-a correct,
lieutenant gruber--

ah, damn!

put up your hands,
those that think we should
have the gold.

you've been outvoted, helga.
damn!

( british accent )
i think we should
speak only in french.

i agree-- we might
be overheard.

both: chorrs.

sooing you here again,

it all comes
berk to me.

that nit on the bonk
of the thames...

having a pucknick
in a pint...

and then a cuss
and a kiddle.

cuss me as you
cussed me then.

people are licking.

then hold my hind.

squeeze it titly.

i think it had better
be onder the tible.

now, one for you,
one for you,

- and one for you.
- hold-a a minute.

this end-a bit which i got
is more smaller than
the other bits.

- this is most
unsatisfactory.
- i agree.

we must
exchange the gold
for hard cash.

- me, i agree.
- i agree.

oh, very well.
gruber get on to rene.

we need another fence.

now i want you
to put on your hat
and coat,

and take this painting
to herr flick of
the gestapo

at his secret
headquarters, number 32
rue de gasgoine, eh?

- is this the real one?
- no, of course not.

it is
a spare forgery
i had lying about.

oh, quick,
somebody is coming.

rene, i have just
been tidying the bed
of your mother-in-law

and i found 10 bundles
of money like this stuffed
in the mattress.

she must
have been robbing
the till for years.

- ( phone rings )
- she said that monsieur
leclerc did it.

oh, in that case
it must be forged.

we must not let
him spend any of it
in here.

lieutenant gruber
is on the telephone.
he wishes to speak to you, rene.

oh, heck.

hello?

- where are you going?
- i have to go and deliver
the painting to herr flick.

he should have sent me.
i have been here
longer than you.

well, i am tougher
than you.

- oh, yes. who says?
- i say.

- huh?
- you wanna try me?

ha ha ha,
i could take you
with one finger.

- which finger?
- this one.

( screams )

girls, girls,
stop it! stop it!

mimi, get about your errand.
yvette, compose yourself.

- mimi, go!
- oh.

yvette:
ooh!

oh, rene, i love it
when you are so masterful.

it makes me tingle
all over.

you will tingle
a whole lot more
when i tell you

that the germans want
cash instead of the gold
we gave to them.

- oh, no.
- never mind.

i have thought of a way
in which we can get
the gold back

and get rid
of this forged money
without edith knowing,

and without any risk
of discovery.

monsieur alfonse.

no, me.

the plan is
as follows,
colonel:

you are to go
to the church
at midnight.

you are to go into
the confessional box.

you will say, "father,
i have sinned."

and the priest
will say, "what is
your sin?"

you will then
confess to something
and say that you wish

to give gold
to the church.

the little trapdoor
will open, you will push
the gold through,

and you will receive
in return the cash.

and we will be
right behind you.

so you no scarper
with-a the dough
through the vestry.

i've let down the tires
of the bicycle
of the priest.

he will have to walk.
he will be very late.

- good luck.
- ( moans )

( quivering whimper )

bless you, my child.

- yes?
- father,
i have sinned.

( feeble voice )
what is your sin,
my child?

i am guilty of cruel
and jealous thoughts.

what are
these thoughts?

i have suspected
my husband of having
a ding-dong

with one
of our waitresses,
if not both.

you stupid woman,

it is a mortal sin
to have such a thought.

he is a fine man.

do 200 "hail marys"

and do not
think of it again.

( silent )

oh, uh...
######

i'm sorry, i, uh,
i was just passing

so i popped in
for a quick prayer.

- and i found you a customer.
- thank you, father.

depart in peace.

wait for me here.

- yes?
- father,
i have sinned.

tell me your sin.

i've been very rude
about hitler.

this is not a sin,
my son.

it is where i come from.

i wish to give
gold to the church.

ah!

this is most generous.

( whispers )
where's the money?

- what money?
- you're supposed
to give me money.

you have the wrong idea,
my son.

we do not give money,
we take it.

say three "hail marys"
and go in peace.

- where's the money?
- i did not get
any money.

- what did you get?
- i gave him the gold

and i got three
"hail marys."

and no receipt.

we have been diddled
by the catholic church!

( theme music playing )