Original subtitles

[Man laughing]

[Woman] My life is over.

I have no future.

[Man] ♪ You're only 24 ♪

[groaning]

That's easy enough for you to say.

You're already in law school.

Honey,

you still don't want to give up your inheritance

and put your old wife through law school?

Well, your old man

had planned on giving up on the advertising grind

and becoming a real writer.

The all-American dreams--

Hemingway in Paris.

Yeah, well, isn't that all our dreams?

Yeah, but at this rate, I'll be 56 before I have

enough money to put myself through law school,

60 before we get to the Champs-Élysées.

I've got an idea.

Why don't you send Linda to law school?

Spend Grandma's legacy.

After she's finished, she'll be able to support you

while you write your great American novel.

Mmm, you know, hearing it from Frank

does put a whole different spin on the idea.

Happy birthday.

Really? No.

Really? Wow.

Really? Do you mean it?

Oh...

I love you.

Oh, look, I know how much this means to you.

And, I swear, I will never let you down.

You can count on me. Here, I will write it down.

Oh, come on. No, no, no, no.

A promise is a promise.

I, Linda J. Michaels...

do solemnly--

well, not so solemnly--

swear to...

support...

John Michaels...

as a writer.

[no audible dialogue]

Thank you.

[laughing]

[Man] ...sustained.

[Woman] Your Honor,

to finish up with the distribution of property,

my client feels justified in asking--

What are you doing here?

What's the matter? Cat got your brain?

We're getting a divorce.

I mean, what are you doing here without an attorney?

I am an attorney.

Right.

It's been four years

since you've been inside a courtroom.

Well, it's been four years since Frank practiced law.

I think I can handle myself.

Okay, Mrs. F. Lee Bailey,

how about you give me back some of my albums?

Could we talk about this later, please?

You still have my, uh, B.B. King, Billie Holiday--

The Billie Holiday is mine.

Yeah, but I bought it for you.

Stop it.

The Copeland albums are mine.

The West Side Story soundtrack--

Would you stop this, please?

Will you give me back my albums?

All I've got are your Wayne Newton albums, okay?

Do you have Live at Caesar's Palace?

That's it. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

You two will get your turn!

Until then, wait outside!

If she wants hardball, we play.

You go for it, Frank. You get whatever you can.

Cool your jets.

Wayne Newton, how could you?

[door slams]

You go take a walk.

We're not finished here.

You all right?

Sure.

I hate taking sides.

Then don't.

[sighs]

Sorry.

You're his best friend.

I'm your friend, too, Linda.

Michaels v. Michaels? Yes.

You're up.

Good luck.

John.

Looks like the two of you traveled a long way

to get divorced.

This right?

You live in Paris?

Yes, Your Honor. Yes, Your Honor.

You, too, Mr. De Labrier?

Yes, Your Honor.

And you're, uh,

representing yourself in this matter, young lady?

Well, I believe that is my constitutional prerogative.

Never said it wasn't.

Just don't think it's all that smart.

Anything you want to add here, Mr. Michaels?

Yes, Your Honor, there is.

There's this matter of some record albums--

Perhaps we should move on to the property settlement.

[Judge] Looks like we already got there.

I see both parties have agreed

to the dispersement of various personal property.

Yes, except the albums--

This, then, brings us

to Mr. De Labrier's motion for spousal support.

What?

What motion?

What are you guys trying to pull here?

Linda, this was filed weeks ago.

Will counsel please approach?

Is this your signature?

I believe so, yes.

But I've never seen this document. May I?

I'm prepared to rule in De Labrier's motion this morning.

You've got to be kidding.

Your Honor, this motion is ridiculous.

Monsieur De Labrier is asking for alimony

based on an alleged agreement

between Mr. Michaels and myself.

[John] Alleged?

How about May 4, 1978.

How about 135 West 75th Street,

apartment 4D?

How about I got a witness?

Um, if I may explain, Your Honor--

[Judge] I was hoping someone would.

This, Your Honor,

is the 1978 agreement.

And you always criticized me for being a pack rat.

It's a little hard to read.

I can see that.

Your Honor,

Mr. Michaels did, in fact,

put Mrs. Michaels through law school.

He did this, Your Honor, based on his wife's assurance

that she would support him

when her own career was secure.

Mrs. Michaels is now a successful attorney based in Paris

with a prestigious U.S. law firm.

We, therefore, ask

that she pay alimony to Mr. Michaels

as fulfillment of the agreement

set forth on May 4, 1978.

Ms. Michaels, and your response?

Your Honor, my husband has had sufficient time

to write without distraction.

He hasn't had a job since we moved to Paris,

unless you consider hanging out in cafés

an undiscovered profession.

Now, I have been his sole means of support,

and in the last four years,

all he's had is time to write.

The trouble is, he can't. He's not motivated.

Your Honor, my husband can barely compose a grocery list,

much less write a novel.

Now, I feel I've more than adequately

upheld my end of the agreement.

Our evidence points to monies

Mr. Michaels has earned writing.

What money? He made $2500

on an article he wrote for Esquire in 1978.

All right.

I've heard enough.

Now Mr. De Labrier,

your client seems quite capable

of taking care of himself.

Well, Your Honor--

However,

it also seems he came to rely

on Mrs. Michaels' promise of future income.

He did relinquish an inheritance,

pay for her education,

and support her while she started her career.

In light of that,

I do grant your motion for spousal support.

Your Honor-- Until such time

that Mr. Michaels has recouped the sum of his losses,

which, according to this paperwork,

looks to be about $250,000,

Mrs. Michaels will pay him alimony.

Should, however, Mr. Michaels marry first,

this order will be set aside.

Call the next case.

Shit.

Morning.

Things didn't go that well?

You might say that.

I lost my own divorce case,

my flight was delayed seven hours,

and I left my keys here, so I couldn't get in my own apartment,

and I'm down to my last pair of pantyhose.

So, no, things did not go that well.

In fact, they sort of sucked.

[sighing]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take it out on you.

Any mail?

Well, we'll attack it bit by bit.

Phone list?

Here.

Try Mr. Harris.

[sighs]

Mr. Harris doesn't answer.

Try Mr. Lerner.

I heard you had a rough time in New York.

[Woman] Mrs. Michaels' office.

Oh, Mrs. Michaels is in a meeting.

What can I do for you?

You're doing it.

Well, this is easy.

Will I see you tonight?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

Well, we need to talk.

Oh, I just had the worst experience of my life in New York.

I really don't feel like going out.

Well, after these last two months--

Why don't you try doing something with your wife?

[groans]

[coughing, gasping]

[grunting]

You really know how to hurt a man, don't you?

You'll get over it.

[laughing]

Okay.

Just don't work too hard.

That's an order from the senior partner.

Yes, sir.

And Jim,

[whispers] thanks.

It's nothing.

Ruth, who does your hair?

Alexander.

I don't like it.

Starting tomorrow, we're leading a new life.

We'll dust off the old Royal

because, my friend,

we are talking serious writing time.

Forget O'Neill.

Forget James Joyce.

Forget Hemingway.

Think, instead, of Michaels.

Now, uh,

[barks] you bring up a good point.

I mean, what am I going to write?

[chuckling] Yeah, well,

I thought about that on the plane coming home.

Now, uh, maybe we could ease into a novel.

[whimpering] Yeah?

A nice novel-- Dostoevsky, Turgenev.

[growling, whining] No?

Or we try something a little less ambitious?

[barks] Yeah?

Hey, listen. I'm not going to write that poetry shit.

No way.

Well, we could do a short story,

or a play,

or a dramatic monologue.

Come on, dig in.

You're not hungry.

Me neither.

[growling]

Yeah, you're right.

I can't do this.

[chuckling] I can't take money from her like this.

[barking]

I've got to talk to her.

[knocking]

If you've come for more blood,

I'm all out.

No. I just came to talk.

May I?

Look, uh, I've been thinking.

Now, Frank does have a point.

You did promise to support me, but--

But, what?

I've been supporting you.

You see how you are?

You see how it's impossible to talk to you?

You never get the big picture.

What big picture?

We were a team!

I gave for you.

Now you could do the same for me.

What about giving for yourself?

[scoffs] You know, that's typical.

You have no faith. You don't believe in me.

Of course, when did you ever?

That's not true.

Look, you can't control everything.

I'm not trying to--

I came here with good intentions--

I don't have to deal with your intentions.

I have to deal with your actions.

As I said, I came here with good intentions.

But, as always, your ice queen personality ruined it!

This icy quality, as you call it,

would be a respected one in a man!

Look, you are stuck with the alimony

until I remarry.

Well, I got news for you.

I'm not going to remarry.

I'm going to enjoy spending every cent you owe me.

Okay?

[John] Everyone is stuck.

You're stuck with me now.

I said, you're stuck!

Remarry.

Hear me?

[exhales]

[Man on TV] Now are you satisfied, Pickering?

Can I put it more fairly, Mrs. Pearce?

Bundle her off to the bathroom.

You're a great bully, you are.

I won't stay here if I don't like it.

I never asked to go to Buckingham Palace, I didn't.

If I'd known what I was letting myself in for,

I wouldn't have come here. I wouldn't have.

Quiet. [gasping]

I shall make a duchess

of this draggle-tailed guttersnipe.

[Woman] I've never had a bath in my life,

not what you'd call a proper one.

[Woman #2] Nonsense, Eliza.

Don't you want to be sweet and clean and decent,

like a lady?

[Eliza] No! No! No!

[screaming]

[screaming indistinctly]

Let's see who's stuck.

Mr. Brommel?

Sid, how are you?

No, no, no. It's not about the contract.

It's more a personal matter.

You see, I'm looking to find an actress--

an American actress.

You're from Wisconsin?

Milwaukee, yes.

When did you move to Paris?

'82.

Hated Maine, too many trees.

Who's your favorite author? Sylvia Plath.

Do cookbooks count?

Uh, books.

Um, what college did you attend?

Yale.

College?

What about hobbies?

Needlepoint,

and, of course, crochet.

Mud wrestling.

What was the most embarrassing moment in your life.

I did Kismet in summer stock.

Embarrassing...

uh, do you mind if we go back

to the second question, please?

That won't be necessary.

But thank you for coming, Miss Marks,

and good luck with whatever.

Of course. Yes, of course.

[chatter]

Is it me, or what?

Three more.

Miss Williams.

Miss Williams, take a seat.

So, I see you've done some soap operas.

Bit parts, mostly.

Since coming here, I've done a little theater.

But I have a lot of training.

I studied at the Actors Studio in New York

and the Central School of Speech and Drama in London,

and I appeared

at the Edinburgh Shakespeare Festival

as Beatrice-- Edinburgh.

That's a coincidence, my husband--

My ex-husband grew up there.

So, tell me more.

Who's your favorite author?

Uh, it's kind of like, "What's your favorite ice cream?", isn't it?

What's your favorite ice cream?

Vanilla.

Raspberry sorbet.

George Eliot,

J.D. Salinger,

Edna O'Brien, Willa Cather,

not all of Hemingway,

but definitely The Sun Also Rises.

Chocolate chip.

You're hired.

Don't you want me to read or something?

Nope. This job is more of an improvisation.

What kind of improvisation?

Is there nudity involved?

No, no, no, no. You see--

Why don't we go out onto the balcony

and get some air. Air?

There's quite a bit of it there.

Nice, cold air.

So, what's this part all about?

Well, it's about a divorce,

my divorce, and about the fact

that I have to pay my husband alimony.

So you're doing a play about it.

No, no. Not exactly.

You see, there's one tiny hitch

to this alimony business.

If John remarries,

then I don't have to pay it anymore.

Now if you were my husband, and you got this free ride,

would you want to get married?

I don't know. Of course you wouldn't.

But let's suppose you met the perfect guy,

someone who liked everything you liked,

who laughed at all of your jokes,

who didn't notice that you were getting cellulite

or that your breasts were starting to look sad.

Would you be able to resist him?

Wouldn't you fall in love with him

and want to marry him?

Of course you would,

and so would John.

So--

You're John's perfect woman.

Or, I should say, you will be.

Me!

I don't even know the guy.

No, no, no. That's where the acting comes in.

I'll train you. I know his perfect woman.

I know everything he likes, everything he dislikes,

what he reads, eats, drinks, wears to sleep.

You already have some stuff in common.

He was born in Edinburgh,

and you did the Edinburgh Festival.

His favorite author is Hemingway,

and you said you like The Sun Also Rise

So, all you do is marry him.

Marry him!

For a day-- an hour, a day, a week, tops.

Then you'll get divorced, you'll be well-paid,

and it'll be the part of a lifetime.

This is incredible.

You won't have to sleep with him.

We'll get around that somehow. It'll be awkward, but--

This is perfect. This is incredible.

I can't believe this happened to me.

Either you're kidding, or you're crazy!

You want some time to think it over?

Years! I'm out of here.

Take my card.

[muffled cheering] [knocking]

[child shrieking, laughing]

[exhaling]

Where have you been?

The kids! We have to help with the kids!

Kids? What kids?

[kids screaming]

That kid.

Go home.

[noisemakers blowing]

Hurry up, hurry up.

This is Mrs. Dupre.

And this is it.

[noisemakers blowing]

[all yelling]

Welcome aboard.

[Man] You're late.

If I weren't so desperate, I would fire you. Save me.

There's cake and ice cream.

Serve it before the brats start throwing it.

Okay.

So-- Oh.

Thank you very much, for everything.

You're welcome.

You didn't want the job. Why?

Because it wasn't-- Can't you do something?

Give me some animal balloons--

balloons, animals, something.

Calm down.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Continuez de chanter!

[all] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[all yelling]

Philippe! Look!

[Boy] Le gâteau!

You've destroyed my birthday!

We still have ice cream.

We still have ice cream. I hate ice cream!

[all screaming]

I can't believe you did that.

I can't believe he just did that.

[children yelling]

[sighing]

[gritty voice] Hi, Linda, this is Frank.

[laughing]

No.

Oh, Linda, Linda, listen,

about that divorce thing that you lost...

Boring.

Boring.

Oh, maybe, romantic, you see.

Oh, uh, Linda, listen,

we've been friends for a long time.

You want to hear something funny?

You always thought I moved back here

because I missed John.

Well, it was you I missed, my honey.

Do you think that I'm cold?

I'll turn the heating on.

No, no, no. You know, unfeeling, icy.

I think you feel just right.

What is this, post-divorce blues?

Mmm. Maybe.

Mm-hmm.

I have some news that might just cheer you up.

Link Palmer called from Washington yesterday,

and it seems my name is being batted around

as candidate for senator from Boston.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's great.

Official announcement won't be made for a couple days yet.

But, well, it does mean that I'm going to have to

move back to the States soon.

[groans]

Now, don't worry that pretty little head of yours.

You know how much you mean to me.

If this thing works out,

I'll make sure you get lots of trip to New York.

[chuckling] No, that won't be so impossible

if you replace me as senior partner here in Paris.

What? Mm-hmm.

I'm putting your name before the executive committee.

Of course, it's not a fait accompli.

You still have to keep your little nose clean

and suck up to old man Chase,

but I think you're going to get it.

I think you're going to get it.

[both laugh]

No. Maybe the direct approach. I'm a man, Linda.

You're woman. Let's eat.

Yeah. Why not?

Let's try...

[inhales sharply] Baby. [answering machine beeps]

[Linda] I'm not home right now, but I'll call you back.

[speaking French]

[beeps]

Next!

Thank you. That's enough.

Don't you want me to read or something?

Thank you. It's enough, Karen.

Actually, it's Kate.

Um, can I ask what's wrong?

[chuckles] You look too American.

[chuckles]

"Too American"? For Our Town?

Well, I have my vision, you know?

You can take your vision and...

Asshole!

So?

Why didn't I listen to my father and become an accountant?

You didn't do well, huh?

[snickers] What is it with me?

I don't have any career.

No money, no love life.

Yeah, but you got spunk, kid.

[snickers]

Come on. Your favorite clown will buy you coffee.

Hmm? Come on.

Hey, Kate.

Susan. Hi. How you doin'?

Fine. Sid sent me on another audition, and I got the part.

Wow. That's great.

Another commercial?

No. A play.

Wow.

Le Misanthrope.

In the Molière Festival.

Yep. Who is this Molière dude, anyhow?

I gotta go.

Kate, where are you going?

To change my life.

Taxi!

Hi. Hello.

As usual.

Yeah. No starch. Okay?

And shirts folded.

You got the other shirts? Yeah.

Thank you. It's a nice job.

If you don't like it, take your business elsewhere.

Right. Uh, I'll see you Thursday.

Yeah. And, uh,

vive la France.

[noisy traffic, dog barks]

Oh... Pardon.

Excusez-moi.

No, no, no. It was my fault.

[chuckles] Bye.

Oh. Excuse me. I think, um,

you have my ticket by mistake. Oh.

Oh, "no starch."

A woman after my own heart.

Well, bye. Bye.

Do you come here often? [laughs]

How typical, right? Don't worry.

I'm not trying to pick you up or anything.

It's just, when I heard you speak English,

sometimes I get so starved to speak in my mother tongue.

Well, not tongue. I never say "tongue".

I don't know what's come over me.

I think I've been in France too long.

I am sorry. I-- I must seem real dumb.

Um...[laughs] I'm outta your life.

Thanks for the English fix.

No. No, no. Wait. It wasn't that dumb.

Hey, look. How about--

How about I buy you a cup of coffee?

Speak to you some more of your own language.

There's a little place I know around the corner.

Sophie's? You know it.

Go there all the time. Well.

Hey. Hey. How'd you know I'm not an ax murderer?

Ax murderers don't have eyes like yours.

Oh. I'm-- I'm John.

Kate. Hello.

So, after four cups of coffee,

we have a date on Friday.

Well, you're gonna have to work fast, so I brought you some stuff.

Vintage Looney Tunes. He doesn't start the day without it.

Gary Cooper films.

Marx Brothers.

And here's some cookbooks

with his favorite recipes marked off.

Some catalogs with some fashion ideas.

Actual fashion itself.

[chuckles] Some books.

Particular attention to Esmé With Love And Squalor.

And some music.

Wayne Newton?

Yes. It was one of the main contentions of the divorce.

Oh. And here's your first check.

And try to keep track of your expenses.

And try to have a good time.

You must've made an outstanding girl scout.

[buzzing]

Oh.

Thanks.

[buzzing]

[frenetic music, sound effects]

[gunshots]

[bouncing sound effect]

[continuous sound effects]

[telephone rings]

Hello. Hey.

Philippe. Huh? [chatter]

[TV music]

No, No, No. I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.

Wait. Could you hold on a second?

Hold on. Hold on.

[continuous music, sound effects]

Hello?

Hi.

No. I took a job.

A job? What job?

You remember the audition I had that I said I didn't have that wasn't a job?

Is this English? I took that job.

What are you talking about?

Oh...look, I really gotta go.

I'm-- I'm really late. For what?

Um-- For-- You're not listening to me. My job.

Right. The one that wasn't a job.

Right. It's complicated. Just--

Obviously. When can I see you?

Soon.

Is that tomorrow? Is it next week?

Soon. Soon. I promise, okay? I really love you.

Take care, and I'll talk to you soon.

I promise, I promise, I promise.

Why can't I find two that match?

Uhh.

[sighs] You think she'll notice?

[whimpers]

Yeah. She'll notice.

[dog whimpering]

Hey, they match. Look.

[chuckles] Actually match.

Okay. Now.

I'm not gonna be late. [whimpers]

So... I don't want to come home

and find you whoopin' it up

with all the dogs in the neighborhood, okay?

And as you may or may not remember,

I always take measurements of the scotch

and the gin...

and the other drinks.

So I'll know if you've been having

a little, quiet sookeroonie.

Okay?

Right. See you later, big boy. All right?

[whimpers]

And so I moved in 1985

when, uh, my wife...

[sighs]

...when my ex-wife transferred.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's very nice. Thank you.

So.

You decided to stay.

Yeah.

For the time being.

Not that I don't get homesick for the good old U.S. of A.

[chuckles]

Hey. Do you know what I miss the most? Breakfast.

[chuckles] I know what you mean.

I mean...

bacon and eggs.

Coffee.

Uh, real coffee.

I mean, not the rot gut they serve over here.

Do you remember that coffee shop in Edinburgh?

Uh, Rosie's.

Oh, God, yeah.

God, I haven't thought of that place in years.

It was the worst, right? [giggles]

[beep]

Oh, hi, Linda. It's Frank. Um...

I wanted to-- to see if you were okay,

and, uh-- Well, never mind.

Just thinking about you. Bye.

[beep]

Linda? Jim.

I-- I can't make it tonight, baby.

I got a mountain of work to get through.

I'll see you Monday. Big, big kiss.

[beep]

[clatter]

So, um, what-- what's your ex-wife like?

Um...

Like an ex-wife.

And how about you?

What does Kate Williams do for a living?

I-- I work for a caterer.

You moved all the way to Paris to be a waitress?

Well, not exactly. No.

When I was about 15, I saw this movie--

Sabrina with Audrey Hepburn.

And-- You know, the one

where she comes to Paris to become a chef?

And goes home and marries Humphrey Bogart.

Anyway, I-- I've-- I've always wanted to--

To marry Humphrey Bogart.

No, be Audrey Hepburn.

Oh. The cooking Audrey Hepburn.

Like in the film. The chef.

So I-- I took classes at the Cordon Bleu.

And started working for a caterer.

Among other

things. Thank you.

Je peux vous encaisser ? J'ai fini mon service.

Hey. You know, I bet if you woke him up

in the middle of the night and surprised him,

he'd talk just like you and me.

[giggles]

And he's undercharged us.

Lucky us.

I'll leave the difference.

Well, you're honest.

Mm-hmm.

Me, George Washington,

and Abraham Lincoln.

Sticklers for the truth.

Oh. Thank God you're not an actress. You'd shoot me.

[laughs and chokes]

[inhales deeply, laughs]

Sorry.

♪♪ [romantic piano]

Well, uh, I had fun tonight.

[chuckles] Me, too.

Thanks.

Oh. Oh. Can I--

Sorry.

Oh. [giggles] Oh.

[chuckles]

Uh... Oh.

What? It's later than I thought.

Oh, yeah. Uh... I should go.

Well, uh... I'll see you. Okay?

All right. Bye. Bye.

John. Yeah?

I really did have a good time tonight. Thanks.

Do you like Gary Cooper?

He's only the greatest actor who ever lived.

Well, they're showing High Noon and Good Sam up the street on Sunday.

Do you want to go?

With me, I mean.

Yeah. I'll pick you up at 7.

Great. It's a date.

It's a date. [clicks tongue]

Have a date. Okay.

[giggles] Bye.

Bye. Okay, bye.

[buzz]

♪♪ [whistling "Singing in the Rain"]

You were right. He jumped at the Gary Cooper offer.

And?

And other than Good Sam being kinda mediocre...

...we had a good time.

Good. I brought you some more material.

You know, favorite shampoo, favorite memory,

childhood pets, things like that.

When do you see him again?

Today. We're having lunch.

At the Bistro Eustache?

You really do know him.

He's not such a bad guy.

Ow. What are you doing?

Futzing. Anyway,

I never said he was Charles Manson.

You kinda like him, don't you?

I think he's nice.

[chuckles] Perfect.

Hi. Uh, I need to see Mrs. Michaels. All right?

Yes. Sign, please.

Okay. Come on. Hey. Mister.

[beeping]

Yeah.

What?

Jeez. John's here.

What? Out there. Outside in the hall.

Hide!

No. I'm gonna leave.

John.

What a pleasant surprise.

Yeah. It's good to see you, too, Linda.

Look, um, I'd rather not be doing this,

but my apartment's being painted.

I wondered if you'd look after Max for a couple of days.

Well, how nice of you to share him only when it's convenient for you.

I knew this was a bad idea. Come on, Max.

No, no, no. Wait.

He's my dog, too. I'll take him.

This yours?

Oh. It's from a meeting.

A meeting.

So. Sprucing up the old bachelor pad?

Have you met someone? [dog whimpers]

That's none of your business.

Well, it is when I'm footing the bill.

I'll just say good-bye to Max.

Uh, no. I'll-- I'll tell him you said good-bye.

Okay. Bye, guy.

Hang tough.

I'll pick him up Wednesday. Okay?

Ruth. [whimpers]

Yes? [yelps]

[yelps, whimpers]

Could you get a runner

to take Max back to my apartment? Here are the keys.

Okay. Come on, boy.

Come on.

[dog barks]

That was dignified.

Are you all right?

Fine.

I'll call you.

Bye.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Got any lunch plans?

[chuckles]

Walk with me.

I had to see you.

Sometimes I get these urges.

Did you have a good weekend?

Oh, fine. You know. I--

Are you upset about Friday?

I left a message on your machine.

I had to bail out that associate,

that new associate-- Scott-- Francine Scott.

She was about to blow the Mirabeau merger.

What was she merging? Painting and sculpture?

I saw you Friday at the art opening.

Why do you lie to me?

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

I completely forgot about that opening.

Hurt my feelings? You spent an evening with your wife

like you were supposed to.

What hurts is that you lied.

Ahh. Starting to sound like a bad movie.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's me who should be apologizing.

You know how special you are to me.

Do I?

Yeah.

You're intelligent. You're attractive.

You're funny.

That's beautiful. What you're saying

is very nice, but that bracelet.

Isn't it gorgeous?

Damn it. You beat me to the punch.

I was wanting to buy you a present,

and you've already picked it out.

What? But that must cost a fortune.

Let's go see.

Well, I suppose it doesn't cost anything

to try it on.

Not a franc.

Oh, yeah. I always expect

this place to smell like a stable.

[both speaking French]

Merci.

When I come here, I want to get

a saddle and boots and stuff.

I didn't know you could ride horses.

Well, I can't.

Pretty good in the saddle, though.

Oh, quit that, or I'll get a riding crop.

[chuckles]

Je peux vous aider ?

We'd like to see that gold-and-diamond bracelet

in the window.

Of course.

It is one of our most beautiful pieces.

[Jim] Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Jim?

Mary.

Linda.

There you are, darling.

Oh. [speaks French]

I think we met last year

at the Dupre's Christmas party.

You remember, darling. He came with, uh...

Lee Cromwell.

Lee Cromwell. Oh, of course.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Linda, they're wrapping the earrings now.

Um, we're just picking out

a birthday gift for my sister.

[chuckles] Mary, I don't think you've met Ms. Michaels,

a rising new star at the firm.

Linda, this is my wife Mary.

How do you do? Nice to meet you.

Quite a coincidence, us running into each other.

[both men chuckle]

I'll say so. [chuckles]

[chuckles] Jim, what are you doing here?

[Jim] Uh, you're going to ruin the surprise.

[Mary] Oh.

Should we tell her, Linda?

Oh, might as well.

Now, don't say I didn't warn you.

When I saw Linda here with Frank,

I kidnapped her for a moment

to get her womanly opinion on something.

For you.

[gasps] Oh!

Superb!

[Mary] Oh, it's beautiful!

[Linda chuckles]

Well, thank you, darling.

And thank you for your help.

Don't mention it.

Linda, we should be going now.

It was nice seeing you again.

Yes. Well, I'll see you back at the office.

[Linda] Mmm. Count on it.

We'll take it.

[laughs] You owe me one, my dear.

Frank, do me a favor. Go fly a kite.

You got great weather for it.

[horn blaring]

Sorry I'm-- Oh! Sorry I'm late.

There's no problem. You hungry?

Starved. Oh, I lost my button. [button clatters]

Sh-- Damn.

Hey, look, um-- I'll get your button.

That's all right.

Ah.

Uh, may I keep it for luck?

Look, uh, I'd have had you over to my apartment,

only, uh... It's being painted?

How'd you know?

Just a lucky guess.

You're very good at that.

Sister, someone ought to take you to the race track.

[chuckles]

Look, um, what are you doing tomorrow?

Why? Want to take me to the race track?

No. There's this, uh, art exhibit that, uh, I've been--

Oh, the Balthus?

What are you, a mind reader?

No. It's no great mystery.

It's-- There are ads for it all over the city.

No.

No. No, it's more.

Audrey Hepburn's got nothing on you.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

Mm-hmm.

[imitating Bogart] Except Audrey Hepburn.

[laughs]

[squawking]

So. Tell me your new job.

Well... I'm acting.

In what?

Well...

not exactly "in."

More "as."

As what?

Well, um, I'm sort of--

I'm sort of playing myself.

But not really.

Then what are you really doing?

What am I really doing?

I don't know!

[glass shattering]

Guess I asked the wrong question.

[screaming]

Lee!

I'm making a mess out of my life.

And that's the problem.

It's not really my life!

It's a life Linda created.

And that's the funny part, because even though

I'm her perfect woman, it's more my life than hers.

I think we lost something here in the translation.

Calm down. Calm down.

Okay. Okay, listen.

Why don't we start from the beginning.

I guess it was that day we ran into Susan Marks.

You know, the actress?

Right.

Anyway, a few days earlier,

my agent sent me to see this woman.

Linda Michaels. And she has this crazy idea

about getting back at her ex-husband

so she wouldn't have to pay him alimony.

She wanted to hire the perfect woman

so he'd fall in love, marry her, and...

she wouldn't have to pay him anymore.

Over the last few weeks,

John and I have been seeing each other.

I think I'm his perfect woman.

[chuckles] You should be committed.

I know.

[laughs]

It's not funny.

It's hilarious.

It is not.

I knew you were a good actress,

but this guy must be an idiot. He is not!

He is! He's not!

Uh-huh!

The lady does protest too much.

This is only a job, isn't it?

Of course it's a job.

It's the best damn job I ever had.

[half crying, half laughing]

You're falling in love with him.

Oh, God. At first I didn't want to feel anything.

I didn't like him, and-- [groans]

Now I don't know what to do.

Good luck. Mmm.

[soft chatter, phone ringing]

[laughter]

Excuse me.

Come on in, Linda.

Linda, this is Francine Scott.

She been working on the Mirabeau merger.

Linda Michaels. I've heard a lot about you.

Well, I'm sure none of the rumors are true.

I only hope I can live up to your reputation.

Speaking of your reputation,

Ms. Michaels and I have a meeting with Mr. Chase.

Oh. We can finish this later.

Sure.

Good luck.

Well, uh, let's go beard

the lion in his den.

You beard him. I'll draw in

one of those little mustaches.

Oh, Michaels.

Yes, sir. And, uh, may I say

after four years with the firm, what a

pleasure it is-- Can it.

I've heard it all before.

Robert, I want to emphasize

again what an asset Linda has been to this firm.

Her understanding of international law--

Are you an asset?

I'd like to think so, sir, yes.

Aren't you sure?

Why, Jim here has been singing your praises for weeks.

He says you've, uh, blossomed this last year.

Isn't that so, Jim? [chuckles]

Have you blossomed, Mrs. Michaels?

I work hard and do my job well.

I don't think blossoming is quite my style.

Oh, good.

I'm allergic to flowers.

[chuckles]

So, uh,

you think you're qualified

to replace Jim as a senior partner?

I do. Yes, I am qualified.

You don't have much of a profile of the rest of the continent.

Well, I realize that I'll have to put myself out there more.

As a junior partner, that's been quite difficult.

At your age, I had more press on me than de Gaulle.

Well, I'll do what I can, sir.

Are you married?

Oh, yes. I've heard of the unfortunate divorce of yours.

Planning to remarry and have kids?

With all due respect, sir,

I fail to see what my personal life has to do with my professional ability.

Mmm.

You women want it all. Mm-hmm.

You rush to get a career and then shut down

the minute you decide to have a kid.

It's all hurry up and wait with you women.

Must be hormonal.

Mr. Chase, I--

Robert, I-- Oh, shut up.

I know I'm a horse's ass, but I'm the horse's ass running this place.

I only want you to think about what this senior partnership

might cost you, Mrs. Michaels.

I'd hate for you to waste our time

climbing up the corporate ladder

only to decide you don't like the view up there.

I'm sorry, sir, but I just don't think that--

[speaking French]

Mm-hmm.

Chase. Robert Chase.

What, are you waiting for a door prize?

What's with you? What's with me? How could you?

How could you compromise me in that way?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You told him-- God, it was sickening--

I blossomed!

I bet you and Chase had a good laugh talking about our-- our--

I don't know what you call it, but it's certainly not a relationship.

Hold on there! Hold on right there!

First of all, I'm not stupid enough to admit seeing someone from the office.

And secondly, I would never--

Jeopardize your political career?

See how good I am at filling in blanks?

Including the one in your marriage.

Speaking of which, how did Mary like her bracelet?

Uh... [sighs]

I'm going to talk to you when you're more rational.

I haven't been this rational in months.

[clicks tongue]

[sighs]

Linda, we've both been under a great deal of pressure lately.

With this senate thing, I haven't been paying you enough attention.

This is not about attention and pressure.

This is about fooling ourselves.

You know how special you are to me. Special you are to me.

Yes, you've told me about 100 times.

Look, I think we should just stop this entire thing.

Oh...

Oh, come on now. Think about what you're saying.

I have.

Linda, you're so busy running you forget where you're going.

Ooh. Ooh, that's-- that's very beautiful.

Do you mind if I use that when I have the time to take up embroidery?

Why don't you tell him...everything?

I can't.

He has this thing about being honest.

[sighs] A boy scout, huh?

And what if he doesn't like me?

The real me?

[growls]

You're so blind sometimes.

Don't you know that beneath this whole charade

is the real Kate Williams?

That's who John fell in love with.

With you.

[Kate groans]

[clicks tongue, sighs]

I'm usually good at soufflé. [mutters]

This week we had casserole in school,

and I must've got them muddled or something.

Well, um, let's taste it.

Let's give it a chance. Come on.

Ooh. [chuckles]

Mmm! Gross!

Yuck! I'm sorry. I should've made casserole.

No. Look, that would be like doing homework, okay?

But don't panic. We got salad.

We got bread. We could make garlic bread.

Okay? Maybe not garlic.

Okay, look, um, I'll do this.

You cook all day long, okay? Consider yourself off duty.

All right?

You think it's too much?

No. The blue works for me.

Oh, yeah?

Now I know how Jacques Cousteau feels.

Everyone's a critic, right?

Do you have any place mats? I'll set the counter.

Oh, yeah. They're in one of those boxes over there.

Ow! Oh!

Oh, no. Not that one. No. Come on.

"Bad poetry from 1973."

I was, like, dawdling along...

"Yes, I've never seen anybody tug and slug in a phone before." ...on a toilet seat.

What else is in here? That's genius.

A child prodigy, huh? What's--

A play? "A play by Johnny White."

It's a play, yes. A tentative step to... Hmm.

What are you doing? I'm taking it home.

I want to see what you're made out of.

Okay, now, the dinner's in the oven.

We've got 45 minutes to kill. What do you want to do?

Read more bad poems. Ah.

I've got another idea.

Let's listen to music.

I love music.

Why'd you do that? Do what?

Run away. I mean...

I thought you liked me.

I do like you.

Don't you want to, you know?

I can't.

Well, sure you can.

No. Why?

Because I can't.

Because there's a lot of things you don't know about me.

Like what?

Like-- Like-- Like I don't really

only just work for a caterer.

Don't work for a caterer.

Oh, my God.

My illusions have been shattered.

It's okay. I can live with it. It's okay.

Oh, come on. What?

John, I'm an actress.

An actress. You're an actress. What's my family going to say?

It's okay. I can live with it.

Good-bye, Father. I'm leaving forever.

Right. Now can we go to bed?

There's more.

I got it. I got it.

It wasn't Sabrina. It was Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Right?

Hmm?

John, now listen to me.

Okay, I'm listening. Sorry.

A few weeks ago, my agent sent me on this really weird audition.

Does this involve livestock?

Please. I'm sorry. Okay.

He sent me to see this lawyer-- Linda Michaels.

Linda Michaels.

My Linda Michaels? Yes.

My ex-wife, right?

Yes.

She had this ridiculous plan

so she wouldn't have to pay you alimony anymore,

and she needed an actress.

Please say something.

Well, it's the perfect revenge.

And... [chuckles]

it's so Linda to figure out every angle, you know?

All the right buttons to push, how to make me fall in love.

I am that person.

No, you did good, Kate. It is "Kate," isn't it? Yeah?

Yes.

You know, an actress of your caliber should be a star.

I mean, you should be on Broadway

instead of wasting your talents

in my little seedy apartment.

John...

Well, you and Linda have done a terrific job.

Now, please, tell her that for me, okay?

And if you don't mind,

I would like to be alone.

[bang] Now! All right?

[knocking] [John] Linda?

[knocking continues] Linda?

It's John.

Come on. Open the goddamn door.

[knocking intensifies]

Linda, I know you're there. Come on.

Will you open this door?

[knocking continues]

Open the goddamn door!

It's a little early for trick or treat, isn't it?

You have pulled some low, mean...

Where are you going?

To make some coffee. You want some?

No. I want to talk.

You have pulled some low--

Low, mean-- I know. Let's not forget icy.

Oh, yeah. Icy, too.

You will rule the day--

"Rue." What?

"Rue." The term is "rue." I will rue the day.

What exactly is it that I'll rue?

Kate.

Yeah. I know.

Uh-huh.

Your actress.

Your plan to hurt me.

Well, she's told me everything.

How you-- How you paid her,

how you taught her to be my perfect woman.

Obviously not perfect enough. [scoffs]

Then you admit it. [sighs]

What about Kate?

What about me? Well, what did you say to her?

What do you think? I threw her out of the apartment.

Oh, good. Perfect. I suppose it never entered

that Neanderthal head of yours that she might actually have liked you?

Ohhh! Oh, no. I can't believe you're saying this.

I-- You hired this woman to break me,

and then you wonder how she feels?

You're sick! I wanted to get back at you, not her.

Then you got what you wanted. You got it in spades.

John-- I take back what I said about you being icy.

No, no. You're not icy.

You're not even human.

You're incapable of having human feelings.

Okay?

Shit!

[answering machine clicking]

Hi, Kate. It's, uh-- It's Linda Michaels.

John was just here, and he told me everything.

So, if you want to come by

and pick up your last check, you can,

or I can mail it, or--

Or if you want to just call and talk...

Okay?

I'm sorry.

Bye-bye.

[beeping]

[crying]

[doorbell rings]

I was just-- Shh!

Was it something I said?

No. Something I said.

I told John everything.

Didn't go well, huh?

You could say that.

He'd like to see me sometime between never and never again.

Did you tell him how you felt?

No.

Kate!

You can hide a lot of things,

but not your feelings.

Tell him.

He doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

Who said anything about talk?

All you have to do is tell him three little words:

"I love you."

Hurry up, kid.

Oh, my shoes. My shoes.

You sure? Okay, okay. Sure.

[barking]

[knocking]

[growling softly]

[barking]

Don't say anything, okay?

All right. I admit I never liked Looney Tunes cartoons,

Gary Cooper can't compare to Humphrey Bogart,

and I actually prefer the Lakers to the Knicks.

And none of this matters. This wasn't part of the deal.

No one taught me how to feel this.

I feel it.

What I feel can't be taught or paid for.

I love you, John Michaels.

[mutters]

[doorbell rings]

What the hell is that?

Don't you think it's time we made peace?

I didn't realize that we were at war.

Well, I believe your exact words outside of the jewelry store

were, "Frank, go fly a kite."

I never intended that you should take me quite so literally.

I want us to be friends again.

I have work to do.

There. You're done.

Hey, you drive a hard bargain.

It's the diplomat in me. Come on. Let's go.

You're such a guy.

Do you think that I'm unfeeling?

You know, cold?

[Frank] Yeah. Definitely.

'Cause I think the real Linda Michaels--

the one I once knew-- has disappeared somehow.

Really? And who was she?

Well, who was she?

Um, she was the girl, uh--

I don't know-- who--

who used to get drunk on one glass of champagne.

Um, she was the one who used to see...

Wuthering Heights over and over again,

and no matter how many times she saw it, would still cry at the end.

But maybe mostly for me,

she was the one who went back home

with her husband's best friend

so he wouldn't have to be there alone

while his father was dying.

I forgot about that.

I never did.

Frank, I'm still that person.

Yeah. Somewhere.

But, you know, most of the time

I see someone who's so afraid of failing,

she'll do anything...

just to get it her way.

Gee, thanks.

Where are you going?

I'm going to get psychoanalyzed. You put me in the mood.

For real money, though, with a real doctor.

Whatever money I have left after paying your friend alimony.

Mmm.

You know what else I'd really like to--

Other than good-looking me?

Is your play Envy.

How funny. Really?

I'm serious. It's very good. Thank you. Thank you.

A little immature. A little immature.

But it was good. But it was good. Thank you.

Thank you very much. And you should still work on it.

Well, I will. Did you notice the typewriter as you came in?

Did you see the paper next to it?

See the paper inside the typewriter with writing on it?

That is your clue.

[imitating typewriter clacking]

You're writing. I'm writing. Exactly.

Remember what I said about feeling better?

If I felt better, I wrote better?

Well, I'm feeling better, so I'm writing better.

I'm actually happy.

Mmm.

See? Huh?

There is something to thank Linda for.

[laughs] Believe me,

I'm going to thank Linda in a very special way.

[laughs]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[laughs]

[muttering]

What is good for the goose is good for the gander.

[muttering continues, muffled] And green for the valley.

And I'm going to valley her like she has never been valleyed

in her life. [laughing]

There is a David Caribou--

Oh, no. Carroubi, yes.

From TIME magazine to see you.

TIME magazine?

He says he's from the Paris bureau office,

and he's doing a story on female executives working abroad.

Send him in.

Mr. Carroubi. David, please.

Who gave you my name?

Sis Reynolds at Windsor Financial.

She said you handled the merger for them last year.

Sis Reynolds? Didn't she move back to the States?

[chuckles]

I've been followed. No, she did go back.

And, actually, I was going to center the piece on her.

But since she's not here...

Well, it's nice to know that I'm second choice.

I don't know, Mr. Carroubi. David.

It would be...

great publicity.

Publicity? For you

and your firm.

I would imagine an ambitious woman like yourself

could use all the press you could get,

especially in a magazine like TIME.

[coughing]

Well, I suppose a little PR couldn't do any harm.

And I won't get in your way.

You do realize, of course, that I have to check this with my management?

Of course.

And you do seriously promise to stay out of my way?

Scout's honor.

She's probably telling everyone this side of the Atlantic about that article.

I love it. I love it. [dog barking]

Can we stop now? Not yet.

Doesn't seem played out.

[scoffs] I should never have gotten you into this.

Begged me to do it is more like it. Well, it beats catering.

You know what the best part of this is?

We're paying Philippe with Linda's money.

She's actually paying for her own revenge.

It's perfect.

Hi. How are you?

Fine, thank you. I'd like you to meet our photographer.

He will spend the day with us. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. All right. Let's go.

[indistinct chatter]

Okay?

Okay.

[indistinct chatter continues]

[speaking French]

[no audible dialogue]

Okay, let's go.

[indistinct chatter]

I forgot to give you these messages.

They came in after lunch.

Mr. De Labrier is very persistent.

He is, isn't he? [chuckles]

Anything else before I go home? No. No, thanks. That will be all.

Good night. Good night.

You always work this late?

This is early. I'm exhausted.

Are you coming tomorrow?

10:00 a.m.? Better make it 9.

That's brutal.

That's the name of the game around here.

[door closes]

[ringing]

Yeah?

Frank De Labrier,

pop psychologist and alimony hound?

[laughs] Whoo!

[laughs] I love it when you talk dirty.

I don't know why I should be talking at all.

Why?

Because I'm extremely charming

and, uh, because I'll take you

to the Bernadette tomorrow if you're very good.

Is this your way of apologizing?

No, but it'll do in a pinch.

Tomorrow?

Yes. 1:00. 12:30.

[elevator bell dings]

[elevator door opening]

Good evening, sir.

Masters.

Michaels. Linda Michaels.

Oh, yes. The blossom.

I hope you've been giving the senior partnership position more consideration.

Every waking hour.

I don't mean to brag, but TIME magazine

is doing a feature article on me.

Oh. Really? It should be out next month.

[bell dings] Bully for you.

Good night, sir.

Good night, Linda.

Alexander. [speaks French]

Go back to Alexander.

It seems you're always throwing things at me.

You're always getting in the way.

Can't blame a guy for trying.

Anyway, that's not why I'm here.

There's a reception Friday at the Dupres'.

I'm announcing my candidacy.

The press will be there. I'd like you to be there, too.

I wouldn't miss it.

Okay. My secretary has all the details.

Jim, you got a sec?

Sure.

Uh, we're through here, right?

Absolutely through.

Bring a date.

Oh, God. A date.

[sighs]

Sorry I'm late.

You want to go to a party?

Hi. I've got to ask you a favor. Hi.

Can't we talk about it over lunch? That's the favor.

I have to cancel lunch. Crisis at the firm?

I have to buy a dress. Worse.

There's this formal thing at the office on Friday,

and I have to wear something with sequins.

I'm really sorry. I love shopping.

You're kidding. No. It comes from having five sisters.

Oh, well, if you've got nothing better to do.

You don't know what you're in for.

Whoa. Let's go right in here.

You know, for years I've been fantasizing

about how to change that dress-for-success, Spiegel catalog-look--

[speaking French]

What about this?

Well, great if you're 17 and going to the prom.

Now, this is more like it. Look.

It's very, very lovely, but where is the rest of it?

Give it a shot. What have you got to lose?

In this? Yeah.

A tremendous amount of weight.

[clicks tongue] Come on.

All right. I'll see if they have it in my size. Excuse me?

Excuse me! [continues in French]

Hello. She'll call you back.

I'm holding your phone hostage until you find us a size-- Size?

Six. Six.

[ringing]

[ringing continues]

I don't think this is exactly me.

And that's the point, Linda. Break free.

Break free.

You hate it.

You look spectacular.

Doesn't she look spectacular?

I mean, really, that dress brings out the Audrey Hepburn in her.

Yes, it's nice.

What do you mean, "nice"?

"Nice" is for the bridesmaid's dress she'll never wear again.

Now, this is a fashion statement.

This-- It's just a dress.

Yeah. A dress. Just a dress. Yeah.

Linda, you are a walking tribute to womanhood.

Ohh, please, don't say stuff like that.

I have arms like blood sausages.

Yeah. Well, I happen to like sausages, okay?

Come here.

Oh, no! Look in that mirror.

Ready?

Ready. What's wrong?

You ever have the feeling of impending disaster?

Don't tell me the puffs didn't puff.

[bell dings] All right.

Keep serving before you give me another heart attack.

Everything is okay? Yes, sir.

Mr. Harris will make his announcement around 10:00.

Mingle. Have a good time. Oh, okay.

Thank you.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

Mary Christine! Oh, Frank! It's been a long time.

Yes, since Christmas. Good to see you, too.

This is my friend John Michaels.

Hello. How do you do?

Please, this way. Thank you.

His friend? Try and keep an open mind.

Oh. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Shrimp toast?

No, thank you.

I'd like to toast your shrimp. [whispers]

Why did I let you come?

Look, I'm just going to check out the kitchen help, okay?

Yeah. Suit yourself.

Okay.

[bell dings]

What are you doing? What do you think I'm doing?

[muttering] Come here, come here, come here.

Let me tell you something.

Mmm! Hang on.

Come here.

[squeals]

[grunts]

The main foyer. The guest of honor has arrived.

And here comes the main attraction.

Hors d'oeuvres? Now get out of here.

Remember what curiosity did to the cat. Meow.

Oh, the jewelry store, of course. How could I forget?

Did you enjoy the bracelet? Very much.

Are you alone tonight?

I'm sure Jim wouldn't mind if you mingled with us.

No!

No, I mean, no, of course I wouldn't mind,

but I think that Miss Michaels would be bored glad-handing the press with us.

Actually, I'm here with a date. He's just getting the cab. Here he is.

David Carroubi, these are our hosts, Mr. and Mrs. Dupre.

David Carroubi.

David Carroubi. Hello.

And this is Mr. and Mrs. Harris.

Oh, please, Mary and Jim. How do you do?

It's strange. I have this feeling we've met before.

David is with TIME magazine. TIME magazine. Ah.

Why don't you go introduce Linda to Larry Stephens over there? It'd be good for her.

Who? Stephens.

Well, he's with TIME magazine, too, isn't he?

Larry. Good old Larry. Sure.

Linda, let's get a drink.

Why didn't you tell me this was a press scene?

Why? What's the big deal?

I don't like mixing work with pleasure.

[indistinct chatter]

I guess if it goes right, it'll be okay for the sea in the first place.

Hi. Good evening. Nice to see you here.

Nice to see you here. Thank you very much for coming.

You know, we have the exact same percentage of salt in our blood as exists in the ocean.

Is that right? Hank, good work.

Caviar?

What are you doing here?

Taking tennis lessons. What does it look like?

Look, I'm sorry about what happened.

I'm sorry, too.

Um, I'm here with a member of the press,

so could you...pretend like you don't know me or something?

[scoffs] Who could forget you?

Caviar, sir?

I'd recognize that dress anywhere.

What are you doing here?

You look beautiful.

I'm glad somebody noticed.

I've always noticed. You've just never cared. [clicks tongue]

What? Tell John I'm leaving.

Why? Listen, I'm a honk away from being exposed.

I work as a clown.

Oh, no! Yeah!

Okay. So, you're just-- Stay away from Mrs. Dupre.

Just stay away, okay? Thank you for your help.

[speaks French]

...clown shoes.

Here. Come on. Yeah. See...

Catch up with you later, all right? Okay.

Hi there.

Oh, hi.

How do you do?

Talk to you later.

I've never seen you like this.

I miss you.

Hey. Having fun?

I'm not having fun.

By the way, Mary's been getting suspicious lately.

Why should she? I don't know.

I just thought maybe you'd like to stay away from her tonight. I don't know why.

We could probably have a very interesting chat. Don't be ridiculous.

Good evening, Mr. Chase.

Hi. Hi.

Do you know F.S.?

Uh... All right. Yes.

Francine Scott. Francine Scott.

She's coming!

[loud clatter]

Damn!

Everything okay? Absolutely fine.

If you'll excuse me for just one second, I'm going to go freshen up.

Oh, please, please. Sure.

Darling, isn't that the young man we saw with Miss Michaels a few weeks ago?

Maybe they broke up.

He came with a man tonight. Uh-huh.

[gasps] Isn't that interesting?

Well, I think I'm going to go ask Linda about it.

Here!

Ready? It's almost 10.

[stammering] Shouldn't we go get Mary?

[scoffs]

Mmm, nice shade.

Thanks.

Linda, can I ask you a question?

Mm-hmm.

It's about my husband.

Sure. Yeah.

This is very difficult for me.

But I think he's been having an affair.

Mrs. Harris-- Mary...

Now, I know you two are close.

Very close.

[camera shutter clicking]

Then I came across a receipt for some jewelry--

jewelry he never gave me.

What jewelry? A pin.

A monogrammed pin.

I don't know anything about a pin.

Very expensive.

Bought a couple of months ago.

[door opens] Initials, "F.S."

Hi, Linda. Isn't this party great?

Hi, Francine.

Francine, this is Mary. Mary Harris, Francine Scott.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

F.S.

Francine Scott.

Yeah. That's my name. Don't wear it out.

How long have you been sleeping with Jim?

What are you talking about?

My husband.

Tall guy, expensive taste.

Excuse me.

Well, Mary should be here any second now.

I can't believe that you were sleeping with Francine Scott

the whole time you were sleeping with me.

Would you keep your voice down?

Sure. We don't want to humiliate you in front of the press.

How could I have fallen for your line?

What line? Linda-- Linda, you're very special to me.

Ahh! There's the line. I'm very special.

Your wife's very special. Francine's very special.

Can we talk about this tomorrow when you're more rational?

You have this fantasy that I'm going to get more rational over time.

I have a fantasy, too, and that's that the esteemed members of the press

would like to hear about your promiscuous office conduct!

I don't know about them, but I sure as hell would.

Okay, I'm sleeping with Francine. Are you happy now?

Not happy, but...

I knew I was losing you. I just needed a fallback position.

A fallback? Me, a fallback?

[gasps, applause]

[laughter]

[Phil] Linda, you okay?

Listen, you don't have to put any of that stuff in your article, do you?

[Larry] And who are you?

David Carroubi from TIME magazine.

No, he's not with TIME. Marco the clown!

What are you talking about? He's a reporter.

Philippe, where the hell have you been?

Phillip?

Who are you? He's a friend of mine.

John... A waiter.

An actor.

John, you didn't. I did.

I-- Oh, no, no, please.

Rocco, Philippe, David, whoever you are.

Just forget it. [chatter]

Linda, what's going on? Oh, it's a bad time to ask.

[Woman] Mrs. Harris, could we have a statement, please?

[Man] Before you leave...

I'd like to-- My wife and I would like to apologize

for the rather bizarre behavior you've all just witnessed.

Mrs. Michaels has just been through a traumatic divorce,

and Mary and I have been helping her through this trying time.

We hope and pray that she will find

the peace of mind that she's been looking for.

[gasps, laughter] Bastard!

Will you apologize to her? Because this is terrible.

I know it's terrible. I will. I promise. I'll apologize.

And remember, whatever happens,

[imitating Humphrey Bogart] we'll always have Paris.

You like that? You do a terrible Humphrey Bogart.

But I love you. [muttering]

[muffled speech]

You just liked off my top lip. [giggling]

Have you removed all sharp objects from your reach?

Don't tempt me.

Can you forgive me? Oh, it's me that should be sorry.

This whole mess has been my fault.

But I've learned my lesson, believe me.

Oh, me, too.

But, unfortunately, a lot of people got hurt along the way.

I mean, you're out of a job,

Harris won't be senator, his wife's heartbroken.

Oh, look, I think we've saved the American voter

a huge mistake with Jim.

And as far as his wife's concerned,

I don't think she's exactly heartbroken.

And you? Me?

I'm going into private practice.

Oh, that's great. Yeah.

I've already got my first client-- Mary Harris.

We're taking Jim to the cleaners.

Oh, perfect. Oh, before I forget... [snaps fingers]

Oh.

B.B. King. Thank you.

Your Peter Gabriel. Thank you.

And your Billie Holiday.

No, you keep the Billie Holiday.

It was a gift.

I should go.

You're busy, and I'm meeting Kate in half an hour.

You're still together?

Mmm, could say that. We're getting married next week.

Get out of here.

Yeah.

Looks like I ended up with the perfect woman after all.

Great.

So that means--

You're out of the alimony biz.

Well, here.

Consider it a wedding present.

I don't want you to be a starving artist forever.

Thank you.

But, no, thank you.

This artist hasn't done that much starving,

so maybe it's about time he did.

A secret admirer?

An old friend.

A new old friend.

Well, I hope it works out.

Me, too.

Well, now I have to get a new job and a new life.

Well, personally, I like your old life.

It needs fine-tuning.

But, uh, with some new tires

and a new luggage rack... [forced chuckle]

Yeah, yeah. Very, very funny.

Hey, I'm a funny guy!

No, you're not. You're a great guy.

I don't know what I would've done without you through all this.

Well, I hope you'll never find out.