Original subtitles

When I was younger, I didn't get out much.

Ta-da!

Thank you! Thank you.

Oh, that's so sweet. Gizmo, you're too kind.

So when Corynn McWatters,

the most popular girl in school,

invited me, the most butt girl in school,

to her super exclusive V.I.P.-only slumber party...

I should've known something was up.

That morning, I woke up looking like

a jacked up version of Annie.

And honestly, not much has changed.

Well, that's not true. One thing has changed...

now I know how to work it.

First, there's face prep,

featuring Jessica's cleansing wipes

and Drew's toning wipes.

Then I reverse my bedhead...

And find my "Hairspiration."

Clear waves, full spiral, can't lose.

Finally, I put my face on using Kim's primer veil,

which was recently militarized.

All in all, it takes me roughly three hours

to look alpha, not beta.

But it was worth it,

'cause I was gonna floss at the "Women in Pharma" brunch.

Dang!

I missed it.

Now the only thing left to hope for

was that Henry wouldn't notice.

Morning, Eliza.

If you wanna go by unnoticed, you might wanna try

a milder fragrance with fewer notes of cotton candy.

You noticed!

As did the entire left wing of this office.

How was the "Women in Pharma" brunch

- this morning? - Mm...

It was really...

- Informative. - Hmm.

And, like... like, empowering.

And it totally felt like I was holding up half the sky.

- Huh. - And... and...

and "how brave," you know?

And... and also? Equal pay!

Because beside every strong pharmaceutical man...

I know you didn't go.

Eliza, you missed out on an incredible opportunity

to meet other women in your field,

seasoned vets who could've provided valuable insight,

one of whom could've served as a future role model for you.

I thought you were my role model.

Me? No, no, no.

Mentor, possibly. Advisor, certainly.

- Sensei? - Of sorts.

- Elder. - Okay, we're done playing this game.

"Point bees," I'm not your role model.

A role model is someone whose life you aspire to.

Do you want my life?

- M'kay. - No, no.

Not... not "m'kay."

This is something you should be thinking seriously about.

You should find someone whose path you wanna walk.

For instance, since...

since childhood...

My role model has been...

Dave Thomas.

Isn't he the hamburglar?

No. Dave was the perfect role model for me

because he started from the bottom.

♪ Now he here ♪

♪ Started from the bottom, now the whole team... ♪

If you'll quiet yourself,

there is a quote in here about Colonel Sanders...

Mm.

Basically got me through sophomore year.

Um...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Were you a skater boy?

As a youth, I thrashed,

enjoyed the occasional kickflip, ollied about periodically.

Wow. You even make skate culture sound boring.

Okay, Henry, I'll report back when I find a female role model.

And since I wasn't sure whose life I wanted,

I decided to start with someone

who, judging from her frown lines,

had a crapload of life experience.

Joan.

As someone who is way older than me,

you've had a pretty good life, right?

It's been adequate.

And what advice would you give someone hoping to attain

the lifestyle you are currently living?

You can never have too much bath tissue.

So it wasn't gonna be Joan.

Charmonique?

How would you like to be a model?

Mm, been there, done that.

Seriously?

Mm-hmm. I worked my way through college

as a hand model for stock photos.

Don't believe me? Google "Racial equality hands."

This baby girl right here

has graced some of the finest brochures, leaflets,

and prints ads in... America.

May I?

Please.

Ahh! It's like silk!

Mm-hmm.

You are the perfect choice to be my role model!

Mnh-mnh. Pass.

But you're an inspiration to me.

And I wanna be just like you.

Everybody does, but they can't.

You can't just wake up one day, decide to become Charmonique,

and then just magically be her. Unh-unh!

- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

Hello.

What are you doing standing right outside the men's room?

Waiting for you.

Well, I really wish you wouldn't ambush me.

Okay, Henry, sure. No problem.

I can do you that favor,

just as long as you do a small favor for me in return.

Okay.

So you know how I've been trying to get Kevin to be more active

after he's been diagnosed as prehypertensive?

I did not know that.

Who knew a nugget-based diet could be so harmful?

Everyone, yeah.

Dietarily, it's always the thing you'd least expect.

- First thing I'd expect. - And yet, the kid has to eat.

Anywho...

Kevin has taken an interest in skateboarding.

And Eliza told me that you used to be a wood pusher.

- Mm-hmm. - So I thought maybe...

You could teach him.

Hmm. No. Absolutely not.

Charmonique, sorry to disappoint you,

but I have a lot of work to do.

She also told me how passionately you feel

about the importance of role models.

And who needs a role model more than a hypertense 10-year-old

with sleep apnea and no male presence?

Okay. Fine. Fine. I will teach him a few things.

But this will not be an everyday occurrence.

Okay, I gotcha. I gotcha.

Just once in a blue moon... like his real father.

Don't put that on me, Charmonique!

It is what it is.

I was beginning to give up hope of ever finding a role model,

until I remembered I did use to have one...

Alpha bitch...

Corynn McWatters.

Back in the day,

Corynn was smoking hot and insanely popular.

But judging by Lindsay Lohan, Debbie Gibson, and J.T.T.,

teenage popularity does not age well.

And I was guessing Corynn would be no different.

Oh, my God! She's...

Not exactly what I had in mind.

But why? Why?

- Look. Look. - Yeah?

She renovated a farmhouse in Provence

with her award-winning nature photographer husband.

She's got two adorable kids who model part-time for J. Crew.

She's friends with the Barefoot Contessa.

And oh, my God. She knows how to make mussels. Mussels, Henry.

Is it really that hard to make mussels?

Don't you just boil them?

If it's so easy, why don't you make some?

Hmm? Go ahead. Where they at?

Where the mussels at, Henry? Huh? Huh?

Where the mussels at?

Eliza, this person terrorized you in middle school,

elected you "most butt,"

and, in your own words, "made you feel more disgusting

than Mary-Kate's old French boyfriend."

I'm sorry. I just don't think

Corynn McWatters is the right role model for you.

The old Corynn wasn't. But look, look, look, look, look.

Not only is she a published author,

but she also has a goldendoodle named Hugh Dancy,

and I want a goldendoodle named Hugh Dancy.

Oh, my God! Oh, look at Hugh Dancy.

Who's a good Hugh Dancy? Who's a good, good Hugh Dancy?

All right, let's get a hold of ourselves.

Her Instagram is curated within an inch of its life.

You of all people should know how easy it is to fake perfection.

Yes, except she's not faking. I checked.

No heavy filter usage.

No suss cropping... this is a low angle.

If she had chins, we'd be seeing them.

Isn't there some chin removing app

that you're unaware of?

Um, hello. Eliza Dooley.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

There are no apps I am unaware of.

Who do you think you're talking to, Henry?

Some newborn Instagram baby?

Look, Corynn is having a book reading tonight.

Just come with me and see for yourself.

You think Hugh Dancy will be there?

When you take a surf lesson,

you don't just jump right in the ocean, do you?

No. You don't.

Hey, hey! Henry, do not yell at him.

His blood pressure.

I wasn't yelling. I was just trying to make a p...

let's move on.

Now when approaching a skateboard,

one must always be mindful...

Yes, Kevin? What is it?

I have no agilities.

That's true. He doesn't.

Fortunately, one needn't be agile to skate.

However, one must be knowledgeable.

So we begin in 1972.

A man by the name of Frank Nasworthy

has just invented the polyurethane wheel...

... under the crushing grip of the infamous plywood lobby,

which brings us to 1951.

1951?! We moving backwards?

Boards were plentiful, sure.

But none with wheels.

Do you mind? We're in the middle of a lesson.

A lesson about what?

About skateboarding.

You want a lesson from a non-poseur?

- Come by the skate park. - No doubt.

Non-poseur?

Who is a... are you s...

Henry wasn't the only one

confronting a childhood insecurity.

I was about to meet mine at her book signing.

And even though Corynn wasn't the perfect role model,

she had to be better than that slut.

If she had work done... and I'm not saying she did...

you can bet your ass it was some top-shelf new-new

probably done in Dubai.

Enchantée, everyone.

Thank you so much for being here.

This book, "La Bonne Table: Recipes, memories, et moi,"

was a real labor of love for me...

emphasis on the labor.

Corynn.

A lot of the inspiration for the book

came from my childhood.

I grew up with her.

Not that it was easy.

I was a total nerd.

No friends.

The kids at school even voted me "most butt."

What?!

I was "most butt"! She was "most popular"!

Once had a sleepover.

The popular girls cut off my hair.

You! Oh! I cried and cried.

The only thing that could comfort me

was my maman's French onion soup.

Page 29.

- That was my story. - Cook onion...

Expect for the soup part.

As I recall, I pity-binged on SnackWell's and Crystal Pepsi.

But other than that, can you believe this?!

Huh?! That bitch stole my life!

Merci. Merci beaucoup.

And now I'd like to open it up for all of your questions.

Ms. McWatters,

I'd like to ask about the time...

Yeah. I have a question, Corynn.

What does it feel like to be a big fat liar?!

For starters, I'm certainly not fat.

Hey! You heard me! Liar!

- Eliza! - You still look super hot.

Do you remember me?

Security!

- I got her! She's mine! I got her! - Get away from me!

Just get out of my way! Corynn...

If you were voted "most butt,"

then who was voted "most popular," huh? Me?

Come on, Corynn. I really wanna know.

- Huh? Aah! - Yeah!

Those are my stories! I'm Corynn McWatters!

Uhh! I'm Corynn!

Oh.

The second she walks out, I'm gonna jump her.

I'm gonna jump her! You can't stop me!

She's not jumping anyone, sir.

As long she doesn't jump her inside the store,

we're good.

You are a grown woman. You are not jumping anyone.

Corynn is a lying monster!

Which is exactly why I said she's not a good role model.

This is consistent

with everything you've told me about her.

I can't fathom why you're so surprised.

Henry, I don't need you to be right right now, okay?

Okay.

Corynn has taught me

that everything about myself is wrong...

the way I walked,

the way I talked,

the way I dressed.

And I... I worked really hard

to change that person.

To not be that person.

And then she... she stole that person.

When you're young,

everybody pretends to be something they're not.

I used to tell people my dad invented velcro.

I used to tell people I was good at skateboarding

even though I wasn't.

I thought it made me seem cool.

You're not cool.

No.

I never was.

But she is.

It's open!

It's open?

I really wish you wouldn't do that.

Somebody could come right in here.

There's nothing anyone can take

that hasn't already been taken by Corynn McWatters.

Expect for this Crystal Pepsi that I bought on eBay.

I can't believe what I'm seeing.

I know, right? It only cost $80.

$80? All right, we're... we're gonna come back to that.

Eliza, I can't believe you're letting Corynn McWatters

get away with this.

What am I supposed to do? She's Corynn McWatters.

And you're Eliza Dooley.

Hey.

You are the same girl

who gave Ryan Gosling's cousin a lap dance

at a house party in Encino.

Or was that some other Eliza Dooley?

No. That was me.

I... I imagine that required a fair amount of bravery

- on your part. - Oh.

It did. There was no music on.

Okay, then. Where's that girl?

Right here.

- Yeah! - Whoo!

Whoo! Yeah!

- Whoo! - Okay.

This is... okay. All right. All... okay.

Your leg is...

I don't want you to give me a lap dance.

I want you to stop feeling sorry for yourself

and start standing up for yourself.

You have a lot to be proud of.

- Yeah. - Yeah!

I also dry humped Macklemore.

After a good night's sleep

and some extra strength Tylenol,

I decided to approach Corynn

and have a calm, rational conversation about

what a trifling-ass bitch she was.

Okay, I want a fair fight. Okay.

Her kids are nearby, so nothing below the belt. Go.

Hi, Corynn.

Remember me?

Aren't you the crazy woman

who was escorted out of my reading last night?

Yes, she is. Sorry.

But I'm also Eliza.

Eliza Dooley.

"Most butt."

Eliza? Wow.

I haven't said this since I became a mother,

but holy [Bleep] [Bleep], you look amazing.

I know.

You're like a totally different person.

No, you are a totally different person.

Specifically, my person.

More specifically, the person I used to be.

To be, uh, super specific, you stole her identity.

Which, depending on the state,

is anything from a first-degree felony

to a third-degree misdemeanor.

So kiss your kids goodbye, Corynn.

You're going to prison.

She's... she's not going to prison.

That's a different kind of identity theft.

She was never that bright.

This was a really bad idea.

Let's just get out of here.

No, no. Eliza...

I'm sorry I stole

your sad-sack, "most butt" nonexistence.

Apology accepted. Thanks, Corynn.

But I just need that backstory more than you do.

No one wants life lessons and dinner planning ideas

from a still-gorgeous former mean girl.

Former mean girl?

You just burned Corynn McWatters!

Now you try. Ah...

Hey, Corynn,

your quick-and-easy dinner ideas

are neither quick nor easy.

I tried to make one last night,

and it took me forever and it tasted like crap.

That's more of a burn on you, but really good try! Yeah!

I did it. I handled Corynn McWatters.

And now there was something Henry needed to do.

One...

Whoo!

Two...

Whoo! Yeah!

Two...

Do it, bro!

Just drop in! Whoo!

- Whoo! - Yeah. Come on. Do it.

What if I die?

- What if you live? - Yeah.

Right. Yeah.

Whoo!

No. Didn't work.

Okay, on the count of three, I'm... I'm just gonna run up

and I'm gonna push you in, okay?

- No, you can't do that! - Push him! Ride or die!

- Yeah! - No!

One!

- Come on! - Two!

Three!

Oh, God!

Oh, my God! Henry!

I did it!

I think I broke every bone in my body.

Hey, somebody get me a frosty!

I was proud of Henry, and it seemed like everyone

was traveling outside of their comfort zone.

Linda, is that a French braid?

Yeah. I decided to try something different.

I just find her so incredibly inspiring.

Apparently, she comes from a very ugly background,

and she overcame all of that to be hot and successful.

Did you read it?

Read it? Hell, I practically wrote it.

I didn't need to search the world

for a positive female role model

with a more robust hairline than Madeleine Albright.

I already had one.

13-year-old me would have never believed it.

I had surpassed expectations

and grown up to have a hot boyfriend and a cool job.

13-year-old me would be really proud.

And now it was time to show 13-year-old me

that I was proud of her, too.

Yeah.

Yes!

Whoo!

What... what the hell, baby?

Do you like it?

You're crazy.

Is that you?

Hey.

It's not funny. It's not.

Oh, come on. It's... it's a little funny.

Yeah, maybe it's a little funny.

What's her deal, huh?

What's she into?

I don't know.

New Kids on the Block and... Furby.

Yeah?

Well...

Think she might like a cute boy to take her to concert sometime?

I think she would literally crap her pants.

Then tell her to bring a change of pants.

That night, I dreamt about

next year's "Women in Pharma" brunch,

which I would def be at.

Because who knows how many other women I could inspire?

That's your new mantra.

That's a good mantra.

Where's your G.F.?

Eliza? Oh, she's not my G.F. She's just my F.

You ever hook up with her?

No.

But I once saw her naked.

- All right! - Yeah!

Wait.

You saw her naked but you didn't hook up with her?

What happened to "no fear"?

That's before I had this.

- Next time, I'll be ready. - Yeah, right.

Nice.

Whoo.

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