Original subtitles

Why are you whispering? You started it, sir.

I lost my voice, singing. You?

I'll get my suitcase. We have everything here.

Come on.

HE RASPS: Here you are, my boy. This is all yours from now on.

I'm so happy to have you with me at last. Thanks.

In case you need anything. That's fine.

We'll have breakfast at 7.30. Then I'll take you over to the factory.

I'll put you on the payroll. I don't imagine you've got much money.

Your cashier cashed a cheque for me. Your personal cheque?

For how much? It was certified.

214. That's what was left when I closed up shop.

That dismal episode is behind you for ever, my boy.

Tomorrow is another day. With more music by the McCorkles, probably.

Jimmy, that old lady is deliberately trying to wreck my health.

Why? Because I want her property.

That's unreasonable. It's getting on my nerves. I can't stand it.

Why don't you go on a vacation?

The McCorkles will think they chased me out of town.

That's what they want.

Nothing will stand in the way of my getting the man

who hit me with that tomato!

This is my room if you want me.

I'm going to take a hot bath and go to bed. Good night, Jimmy.

Goodbye, Uncle Charlie.

# Do you believe in fairy tales?

# I do-o-o-o

# I know a place where fairy tales

# Come true-ue

# Just close your drowsy eyes my dear

# And a genie will appear

# He'll take you by the hand

# And through a star-embroidered sky

# On a carpet you will fly

# And you'll awake in fairyland

# Ooh-ooh-ooh

# A prince will ride upon the scene

# La-la-la-la-la-ah

# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

# He'll say, "Fair lady, be my queen"

# La-la-la-la-la-ah

# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

# In this beautiful land of laughter

# You'll live happily ever after

# If you believe that fairy tales

# Come true. #

# Do you believe in fairy tales?

# I do

# La-da-da-da-da-da

# I know a place where fairy tales

# Come true

# La-da-da-da-da-da

# Just close your drowsy eyes my dear

# And a genie will appear

# He'll take you by the hand

# And through a star-embroidered sky

# On a carpet you will fly

# And you'll awake in fairyland

# Do you believe in fairy tales?... #

Stop that infernal music! You white-headed old baboon...

Quiet, wench! Jasper, where are you? Yes, CJ?

Go and get the jester. OK, CJ.

Run, Jimmy, run for your life!

# Our prince will ride upon the scene... #

Run, Jimmy, run for your life!

Look out, he's got an axe!

Don't touch me! What's the matter?

Look out! Wait, what's the matter?

# He'll say, "Won't you be my queen?"... #

Oh! What a dream I was having!

Well, you just keep right on dreaming.

OK with me!

Oh!

Good night.

Good night(!)

Hello. Hello. Is anything wrong?

We heard you on the radio. You did?

Wasn't I terrible?

Did Molly hear it? No. That's good.

What goes on between you and CJ Haskel?

I'll tell you, he's my uncle.

Oh, yeah? Here. I'll prove it to you.

Here's a letter to James Hamilton Haskel. Want to read it? No.

What is this? Why are you here?

I almost forgot what I came for. There's 200 for your instruments.

Did you get that from your uncle? You don't know my uncle.

Thank you, Jim. That's OK. I like the people here.

Especially... I like everybody. I'd like to live here.

But as soon as Molly finds out... Suppose she doesn't find out.

That would be nice, but... You didn't have to get that dough.

I'm for you, Jimmy. Horace? Sure thing.

Well, thanks very much.

I've still got troubles. Sooner or later, Molly will find out who I am.

Just like old man Haskel will find out who threw that tomato.

It just won't work. Either way, I'm a dead duck.

How's your uncle going to find out?

He'll see me at the trial. What if he didn't show up?

They'll throw the case out. We'll get rid of Uncle Charlie. How?

Red can run over him with the wagon. Do you think he would? You couldn't!

Red'd love it. I'll get him.

Wait. Couldn't you do something not quite so drastic?

Any ideas? Yeah, I think I'd better go back to Point Jurvis.

Uncle Charlie's tough. You'd better find someplace else to rehearse.

So long, Horace. Willy, thanks for everything.

Jim, wait. That's it. The band.

He doesn't like it. No, he certainly does not.

Come on.

Tooty toot-toot.

Jimmy?

Do you think it will work, Horace? If this doesn't fall off.

Yes, Uncle Charlie?

What are you doing? Who is this man?

I was worried about you. This is Professor Heidt, Uncle Charlie.

I don't need a doctor. I eat my own health foods.

It's my nerves that are cracking.

I'm here to work on your nerves.

Relax, please.

How can anybody relax with that music going on?

Music?

Music?

What music?

That creepy music. Don't you hear it?

You see what I mean, Professor?

I tell you, I hear music!

Maybe it's the radio in the library.

It's not the radio. You still hear it? Yes, it's still playing.

Where does this music seem to be coming from?

I don't know. Just a moment, I'll tell you.

It's here. It's plainer down here.

Don't you think you'd better go back to bed? I hear it.

Here.

Here it is. It's coming from the furnace.

Music in furnace. Well, listen yourself.

Jimmy, please tell him you hear it.

I'll get Parks. He'll get me out of this.

Parks will back me up.

Don't tell me you don't hear anything.

Yes. I was getting nervous.

A beautiful string quartet. String quartet. It's bugles!

Hears bugles on phone.

I hear bugles. It's bugles. Don't try to humour me.

At least you're not seeing things. There's nothing wrong with me.

Jimmy, look! What do you see?

What do you want us to see? Girls dancing. Where?

There!

Sees paper dolls dancing on lawn.

Paper dolls. You're right. I'm in a terrible shape.

My nerves are all gone.

What do you think I should do? Give your nerves a long rest.

Get out of town. I'll do it. I'll go up in the woods.

We'll help you pack. Not until I find the man who threw that tomato.

Your health is more important than a silly tomato.

That's right. Let me handle this.

I'll find him. He's as good as in jail. Almost.

While you're resting, he'll be taken care of. I'll do it.

Good. I'll take the first train out in the morning.

What's the matter now?

The music's stopped.

All but the bull fiddle. You're improving already.

Yes.

Hi. What can I do for you? Hello, Mr Louderman.

Could we make the Haskel Happiness Hour happier? Welcome, stranger.

Sit down. What'll you have? Well... Hello, Mr Baccus.

What's this meeting about? To discuss the programme.

I'm in charge during Mr Haskel's absence. He trusts me. Not 100%.

I beg your pardon? My uncle has given me charge of the programme.

It didn't take long to undermine me. You could have written it.

There'll be no changes... I'd like to talk to you.

Yes, we should talk this over.

I'll be right back.

I'd like to make other improvements. Go right ahead.

I'd like to use a band. No. We have loads of bands.

My uncle hates this one. It drove him up to Canada.

Why do you want them on his programme? It'll give them a break.

Then they'll have to thank my uncle. He'll feel good. Up in Canada?

There's a feud going on. A feud? Then there's a girl.

Oh, a girl. Yeah.

Sounds pretty confusing, doesn't it?

No. It sounds pretty good. It does?

You play Thursday night at the Eastchester Country Club.

How did you do it? I talked, he listened. I'm as surprised as you.

How much do we get for it? Nothing. You don't get anything.

What of it? We don't get money for playing to the neighbours.

At least this way there's a chance.

I'm sold. What can we lose? It's OK with me.

Give me a push.

Bon soir, monsieur.

What did he say? Bonsoir, monsieur.

You made me walk for hours to get to a place

where no-one speaks English!

What kind of a guide are you?

Avez vous a machine, talkie-talkie?

I don't think so. I've got a good one right there.

I'm not a peddler. This one's busted.

I want to hear an American programme at eight o'clock. Help yourself.

Here. Get this avalanche off my back.

Oui, monsieur.

"Oui, monsieur."

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. We're about to start our broadcast.

Well, boys, here we go.

Good luck.

Are you scared? Just take a deep breath.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. The Haskel Happiness Hour

'from Eastchester Country Club.' Country club?

The first appearance of a new band...

Music? On my programme?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Horace Heidt.

The first number is Broadway Caballero, featuring Molly McCorkle.

McCorkle?

And here she is, the charming Molly.

# He's disarming, alarming Charming and gay

# First, he steals your heart Then he throws it away

# He will tell you of tropical nights

# Make you dream of a thousand delights

# First, he'll hold your hand Say you're simply grand

# Soon you're thinking his way

# Caballero He's never been south of the border

# He's never been Argentine way

# When he starts to pet The chances are you'll forget

That he's a Caballero from Broadway

# South on Broadway

# He'll hold you and say "Senorita, right here in my arms you must stay"

# And from his dialect

You'd never suspect He's the Caballero from Broadway

# South on Broadway

# His daytime, he spends parading on the Avenue

# Then, later, you'll find me with a girl or two and a third in view

# He'll take you to all the gay places

# He'll make every Latin cafe

# He'll give you such a thrill Then he'll hand you the bill

# This charming Caballero from Broadway

# South on Broadway

# When Madame Lazanga learned the conga, I swear

# I gave her the lessons, then I gave her the air

# It seemed to be love in bloom And then suddenly, boom!

Another girl took over from there

# I know if you meet him you are likely to fall

# His methods are sense because he catches them all

# He'll sing you a serenade tenderly played on an old mail-order guitar

# He'll bring up the subject of dancing

# And all of his pupils will say

# He's such an awful crumb but no-one dances the rumba

like the Caballero from Broadway

# South on Broadway

# He'll tell you he lives in Argentina's biggest house

# But we know his hacienda is a boarding house run by Senor Klaus

# He's such an impetuous fellow He's like a dog having his day

# This phoney Don Amigo Really comes from Oswego

# For a Caballero from Broadway He does OK!

# You'd better lock your heart or he will tear it apart

and then it's just the start and you're in trouble

# You think you're up on top but you are due

for a drop because your dream will pop like a bubble

# He's the kind of man that you'll never forget,

the diamond Caballero from Broadway

# Way down south on Broadway. #

Molly, you were wonderful. Put this on before you catch cold.

Louderman said the band are worth 1,500 a week. 1,500 a week?

That means we're a success!

I've been double-crossed. Get me a drink.

Bands. Country clubs. The McCorkles. Get me a drink, do you hear?

I want to tell you something. It took you long enough.

This is something that's been worrying me.

You don't know anything about me. So what? You're you and I'm me.

Well... There you are. You thought you'd made an impression.

I'll tell your uncle about it. CJ won't pay for your philandering.

Is Haskel your uncle?

Yes. If you just let me explain. It's all perfectly obvious.

Sneaking into our home, pretending to help us. Please let me explain.

What a cheap trick. You are a Haskel. Molly, they can hear you.

That's fine!

Hello, everybody.

I have good news.

Every week, Mr Haskel, who sponsors the programme,

is going to give away 1,000 in cash.

1,000 a week?! That's a lie!

Isn't that generous, folks?

Now, Mr Haskel, trick your way out of that.

I've got to get home. How long will it take? It'll take two days...

How long did it take to get here? A week. You'll make it back in a week.

Let's get started.

Jimmy! Jimmy! Congratulations. That was a marvellous idea.

How did you think of it? It came out of a clear sky.

"The Haskel Happiness Hour announced

that 1,000 a week would be given away."

I read all the papers. Here's Mr Haskel.

Your uncle's attorney - Mr Chalmers. How do you do? Sign this paper.

What is it? A statement that you did not authorise that announcement.

She did it to damage your uncle. Sign here.

Wait a minute. Don't worry.

We can get judgment against the McCorkles.

We can take their property.

Your uncle's been trying to do that for years. Sign here, please.

I don't like to be pushed around or sign anything I haven't read.

Get out of here!

Don't hit me again. I have glasses!

Mr Haskel... Good day, sir. Good day.

Beautiful, Parks. Thank you, sir.

Why don't you answer the phone?

Hello? Oh, Jimmy, my boy, how are you?

You want to talk to Molly.

Well, I don't think it's a very good time to...

Just a moment.

Fight your own battles.

I'm not doing it for you. I don't want...

Well?

I hate to annoy you but this is important.

That 1,000 offer was my idea.

Just don't argue. If anybody asks about it, follow Grady's advice.

Don't tell me to keep my mouth shut. Why should I?

If you don't, they'll take your home.

I don't need your help. ..What?

Don't be stupid. I'm doing it for Mom and the boys.

Oh!

Excuse me, sir. Mr Louderman and Mr Samson. Have them come in.

Hello. Hello, Jimmy. Congratulations.

Your programme was a knockout. Calls from all over the country.

This is Mr Samson. How do you do?

Mr Samson is an investigator for the federal government.

What's the government got to do with it?

We want to know how you'll give away the money.

That shouldn't be hard.

Nobody has trouble giving away 1,000.

It cannot be a lottery.

No raffles or drawings.

Oh, yes, I understand that. That would be...

Well, how about a quiz contest?

It said the money would be given way over the air,

not to an audience.

That sort of complicates things, doesn't it? Let's see...

Stick a pin the city directory and give that person the 1,000?

No. That would be local. This has become national.

Let's call it off and not give away the money.

No, no. The money was promised.

I would lose my franchise. Your uncle's business would be ruined.

You could be fined and imprisoned.

Well, that's great.

I have quite a choice, don't I?

I give the money away and go to jail, or I don't and go to jail.

Hand me the salt.

Still mooning about Jimmy, huh? You've seen the last of him.

He's probably glad he's found out what you're like. All right, Mom.

It's not all right. Jimmy deserves a girl who really loves him.

Whether his name be Haskel or Hassenpfeffer.

Well, I hope you're satisfied. What's the matter now?

Nobody can figure out how to give away that 1,000.

Jimmy's going to jail because of it.

This is awful. But I made the offer.

He says he'll take the rap. Are you going to let him go to jail?

Jimmy said... I know why he said it. To keep a roof over our heads.

I'd rather lose our house than lose our pride.

Oh, Mom. I've been feeling the same way all week.

Yes. ..No. ..Not yet.

Gentlemen, someone's got to think of something and soon.

The programme goes on air tonight, not next month.

We're no closer to the answer than we were a week ago.

Yes... I've got it!

It came to me just like that.

We'll get that glass bowl they use for the draft numbers. That's it.

I'm proud of you. That'll do it. The government forbids lotteries.

No. Not yet. I'll see if I can dream up something else.

You're not sleeping. No. I'm eating aspirin tablets like peanuts.

I've got it. What? The first time I've beat this game.

Why don't you all go to the broadcasting station?

Maybe I'll think of something.

We'll get out. Samson, come on.

No. ..Not yet. Put that thing off the hook and leave it off.

Thank you, sir. Yeah.

Are you all right, Jimmy?

I'm just getting my second wind.

You'd better think of something.

7.30. Heard from Jimmy? No. Nobody answers.

How are we to go on?

When it's 8 o'clock, you're on.

From coast to coast.

Coming, Mr Haskel. Coming.

About time. Why didn't you answer the telephone? You see...

How do you like that? Ow!

Come on! Wake up! Get up. I can't do it. It's against the law.

It's Molly. Get up!

Oh, it's you. Yes, it's me. Now, come on.

I suppose you want to know how I'm going to give away the 1,000.

I don't know. Go home. Go home?

You come down here as fast as you can. On your feet, big boy!

If you think we'll let a Haskel fight our battles, you're cuckoo.

We won't let McCorkles kick us around. Go on. Go away.

Still going to sleep, huh?

Just a second. Don't you dare.

You can't do that. Where's the telephone?

What are you doing? I'm going to tell them what happened.

Give me that. I've made up my mind.

Let go of that phone. No, I won't. All right.

That's it!

Hands spinning around. Millions of telephones and telephone books.

Parks! And it's not a lottery. Get my coat. Goodbye.

Ow! Oooh!

The Haskel Happiness Hour

presents Horace Heidt and his Musical Knights.

Before this programme is over, we will give away 1,000 in cash.

The method of giving it will be announced later.

# Here we come, all bright and gay

# It's the charge of the Heidt Brigade. #

Here I am, CJ. Did you stop the programme?

It's on the air now. I'll tear down the studio.

Why am I in the radio business?

Jimmy, have you got an idea? This is it. Take 'em.

They're telephone books from all over the country.

Go and get the rest of them.

Gangway.

We're going to give the money away by telephone.

Cut the books into sections of 500 pages. Put numbers on each one.

Get a table.

After you. Thank you.

Nice going. Come on, Parks. We have to go.

Same to you. Fine work.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's the news you've been waiting for.

'The 1,000 will be given away by telephone.' That's my money!

I won't stand for it. I'll cancel my contract.

Get me to a telephone!

How are we going to borrow the wheel?

Come on, boys! Take home the bacon!

When I yell "Snooky", you borrow it. What's Snooky? Get going.

Snooky! Where have you been?

Madam. Why did you leave me the way you did?

Madam, I... Why, you're not my Snooky at all.

A character. How do you like that?

Where... I've been robbed!

Police! Get a policeman. Police! I've been robbed!

Gangway!

Hello. May I use your telephone?

Ma, Daniel Boone wants to use our telephone!

Go away, tramp. No-one uses the phone 'til they give away the money.

Tramp? Daniel Boone?

Look out! Look out!

Fellas, help out here.

Quiet. We're on the air. I know.

You can't go in there! This ain't a hillbilly programme. Let go!

I'm no hillbilly!

CJ, when did you get here? Louderman! I want to talk to you!

All right, Horace. Go on.

The wheel is ready to spin for the first volume number. Take it away!

There she goes, ladies and gentlemen.

We want that volume to have your name in it.

I'm not going to give away one penny.

OK, but I've got three sponsors begging to buy this programme.

They must be crazy. Is that so?

They're from the biggest advertising agencies in America.

What?! Wait a minute!

We want you to be the one that Horace calls later.

It's going on and on and on. And it's 124! 124!

124!

I've got it!

We're ready for the spin to determine the page number.

The second spin to find the page in that volume we chose a moment ago.

It will have the 1,000 winner's name on it!

This is Mr Haskel. The best advertising stunt I've ever seen.

Is it good? I'll give you 20,000.

Is it that good? I'll make it 30. Trying to steal it, huh?

She's going down to find the right page. She's stopping. Page 66.

Page 66.

66!

I got it!

Now the final spin to determine the person who will receive the call.

Larry, take it away.

This time, all the names on the page of our chosen volume

to find the name that we can send our pot of gold.

It's slowing down more and more.

There it is. Our listing is 38!

Listing number 38.

Ten. Fifteen. Twenty.

Thirty. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

It says... The name is Mr Olaf Swenson.

3RJ, ring seven. Ring seven?

Plunkett. Plunkett, Minnesota.

Plunkett, Minnesota.

Kindly give me Mr Olaf Swenson, 3RJ, ring seven, Plunkett, Minnesota.

Ja, I'm coming. Keep your jacket on.

Ja. Hello?

Stop the clock, boys. Is this Mr Olaf Swenson speaking?

Ja. That's me.

A pot of what?

A thou... You give me...

I ain't got no time for monkey business.

What?

You give me 1,000?

Helga!

Why you make my Olaf faint?

What?

A thou...

Oh!

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Folks, they're speechless.

It's my million-dollar idea.

They brought you back alive. What are you doing here?

Enjoying our programme.

What are you trying to put over on me? It belongs to me!

It does, does it? The whole thing was Molly's idea.

Molly's idea? Who is Molly?

We've got you out of the mess. You're not liable.

Miss McCorkle is responsible for the whole thing.

You nitwits! You numbskulls!

Get out of here! Get out of here!

That's swinging them, Charlie!

Charlie?

And Molly is responsible for the whole thing.

Where are you going? Out.

Horace got the call through on the telephone. Everything's fine.

Yes. Everything's fine.

Yeah... I guess it's just one of those things.

The McCorkles are allergic to the Haskels.

I expect so. Yeah, I expect so.

Goodbye, Molly.

Bye.

Well, Jimmy? Uncle Charlie. You come with me. You're in on this, too.

Ladies and gentlemen,

let me introduce the people who originated

what will be a permanent feature of the Haskel Happiness Hour.

Miss Molly McCorkle and my nephew, Mr James Haskel.

Tell them how happy you are.

I'd just like to tell you how happy I am everything turned out well...

Ladies and gentlemen, she's happy because we're going to be married.

All right, Miss McCorkle, trick your way out of that one.

Toot tootly-toot! Tootly-toot!

# When Johnny toots his horn

# The band will play

# Your blues away

# When Johnny toots his horn! #