Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Tomek Wilczynski!

Good evening, I'm Tomek Wilczyriski and this is my co-host Angela!

The most overhyped day of the year! Everyone have a Happy Valentine's!

And a close-up on Tomek... now.

Who came up with these holidays anyway? Were they high?

Take Easter for example.

A magical bunny... laying eggs... made of chocolate?

Valentine's Day is at least coherent.

Flowers, heads, a romantic comedy at the cinema...

And then an awkward blowjob.

Come here already, I'm skipping cinema.

Shoot. My battery's at 5%.

This is pointless. Who goes on Internet dates?

- Normal people don't meet on the web. - So me and Bogdan, we're not normal?

You're an exception.

I want to meet someone in a normal way.

Put on your white tuflleneck, brush your teeth, smile

and go meet that... what's his name?

Ant_Man.

- Yeah, but what's his name? - See?

- I don't even know his name. - Darling, relax.

It's a first date, not marriage counseling.

You'll get the laptop once you help your mother.

And remember,

you don't get a second shot at making a first impression.

Tomorrow you're going to help your mother at the salon and that's final!

She's not my mother! Stop calling her that!

My mother's a lawyer, not some dumb hairdresser!

She left us because of you.

Pardon me, darling, I'm on the phone.

I hate you both!

I'll call you later, ok?

It's only temporary. She'll probably be fired within a week, as usual.

What did you say?

Now that was not funny.

Hi, mom.

Here are your groceries and the mail.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Yeah, right.

- Bye, mom. I'm off. - Where to? In the middle ofthe night?

- It's 9 p.m. I'm seeing someone. - Whom?

I have a right to know who you're meeting at night!

I'm almost thifly!

Good evening.

- How can I help you? - I have a reservation for two.

Name, please?

Antman.

No such name.

I'm sorry.

Do you have many reservations for 9.30PM?

- One. - Well, that's ours.

There you are.

It's Women's Day in three weeks. 70% of your audience is women.

- Awesome - So stop insulting them.

- Got any plans? - Not with you, asshole.

Is Beata angry?

Which one?

I'm not sure.

You fucked her sister.

See? You don't even realize...

Should we stafl you off with something to drink?

I'm still waiting for someone.

In that case we'll wait together.

They're women. They're mothers. Or they will be one day.

Sisters, wives, daughters, grandmothers, heads of networks,

you can't keep ridiculing them ...or you'll lose your audience.

He's not coming.

Figure it out.

Hi.

Sorry I'm late. Heavy traffic.

These are good.

A little heavy on the garlic, though...

Ant_Man?

Ant_Man?

Your first Internet date.

Fifth.

If it was your fifth, you'd say it was your first.

Because after the third, you realise how embarrassing it is.

- It's not embarrassing. - It's not?

You're not embarrassed that someone stood you up on Valentine's Day?

Listen, Kasia.

Ania.

What do you say we go somewhere else?

N OW?

I wanted to eat something first, but if you're this eager...

Funny.

But no thanks.

Tomek Wilczyriski?

God, I love your show.

- Could I get a photo? - Sure.

Would you mind?

Come here.

Done.

If you need anyihing, we're over there.

I've got my eyes on you.

Work, work, work. I need a vacation.

What were we talking about?

Ok, so chicks are fawning over you.

I'm not.

And my guy's just a bit late. Something probably came up.

You'd rather talk first? Okay.

So what do you do, Ania?

- I teach. - Seriously? Teach what?

Music.

- At the conservatory? - No. At school.

Elementary.

Okay, it's staning to make sense now.

Oh yeah?

What is?

You wanted to be a musician. Maybe even a composer, or a conductor.

You dreamed of conducting the Berlin Philharmonic,

with the German Chancellor in the first row.

But it didn't work out.

You ended up in school. Hating it.

What musician would want to teach some tone-deaf brats?

Banged-up instruments, stuffy classrooms...

- Besides, you're what, 30? - 27.

Exactly! 37, with all these kids around, and none ofthem yours.

Why? Because you have no kids.

Why? Well, who would you have them with?

At work you're surrounded by other frustrated losers.

Your clock is ticking, you try to keep your head up, but you're terrified

that no one will ever love you

and you're destined to grow old and die alone.

You think to yourself: No, I need to change something.

So you go on an Internet date.

Because being alone on Valentine's - pathetic.

And you know what?

That guy actually did come here.

Walked in that door, saw you,

sensed your desperation and figured...

he'd get more action at home with a 6-pack and a good internet connection.

Well? Did I get it right?

So, off we go?

- Listen, asshole. - Tomek.

You don't get shit. You're like this to me.

The only big thing about you is your ego.

Men used to have honor, principles, they conquered the world for women

they were chivalrous, like knights on white horses,

But what would you know about that? All you know are stupid lines like:

“Hey, I'm a celebrity, let's do a selfie and go to my place, cause I'm awesome!”

I'd rather die alone than go home with a creep like you.

Miss...

- Miss Ania! - Yes?

Look.

Let's imagine it's our G.

Hey.

That's all for today. You did great.

Wonderful.

- Hello, principal. - Hello, Ela.

- Making progress, isn't she. - We'd make more with a working piano.

Sure, that's the first thing I'll get when I win the lottery.

That's not why I'm here.

You're going to have to rehearse in the gymnasium.

- Work it outwith the new PE teacher. - You promised me a new room.

How am I supposed to prepare the concer1 there?

I don't have a new room, and I need this one.

Besides, do you know how much it costs to suppofl a music program?

- It costs a lot. - I know.

Could we at least just fix the piano?

I already told you we do not have the budget.

I'd gladly buy you one myself, ifl could.

But I can't. Get it?

I don't have any money.

Not a dime.

What I do have is a wife, and a daughter.

One is glued to the Internet, taking selfies all day,

and the other can't hold down a job for a month

because she thinks she's an aflist!

A fucking aflist!

And she thinks it's some incredible work of an she's creating

when it's reallyjust a goddamn haircut!

- Bogdan. .. - What?!

I'm sorry.

Mr. Malinowski, Miss Kwiatkowska. Get acquainted, I'm off.

Good day.

- Is he always like this? - Problems at home.

- Piotr. - Ania.

Nice one.

I used to have a band, I wanted to earn my living that way.

- Life had other plans. - You played the bass?

- The saxophone. - But that's a bass clef.

Yeah, I thought it looked cooler.

- So how do we share the gymnasium? - We'll work something out.

So you got stood up by some Ant_Man, propositioned by the sexiest guy on TV,

and made a complete ass out of yourself all in the same night? Impressive.

- Could you tone it down a bit? - Yes, of course, pardon me.

Is he as... sit still... as cute in person as he is on TV?

I'd totally bang him!

- Pardon me? - Grab the broom, Zoéka.

- He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. - You haven't met my boss then.

Now toss your head back...

look at this volume.

- The new, incredible me. - Beautiful.

What's this?!

Well, the new incredible me?

Where is my long black hair?

In the trash?

You really look much better now. Brighter, younger, even thinner...

Miss... I asked you to just trim my split ends and refresh my color.

Yes, and I refreshed that black. Now it's a fresh, modern auburn.

I didn't ask for a fresh, modern auburn.

I told you no one wears their hair like that anymore! It's out of style!

Excuse me? What do you mean: out of style?!

She wanted to say that you now have a future look.

I didn't want that!

I thought you liked the future, your last hairdo was from Planet of the Apes!

Amateurs! You don't deserve me!

Fired me after three days?

I'm the best damn hairdresser they ever had!

- I know, amateurs. - Help us, Zosia.

What now? Bogdan will kill me when he finds out.

And he probably will.

- I won't say a thing. - What do I do tomorrow?

I'll leave you my keys under the doormat.

Really? You're a lifesaver.

WORLD ACCORDING TO WILK

Out of all the orgasms I had recently,

the biggest one came today when I saw the calendar.

International Women's Day!

Modern world's greatest achievement.

Congratulations!

Asshole.

Women have everyihing.

They're strong! Ambitious! Unhappy and probably single!

I'm terribly sorry. I can explain.

Too late.

And here's why: unhappy women scare men away!

I recently met an interesting example ofthe modern woman

on her first Internet date in her natural habitat - the single's bar.

Meet Hania!

You broke the record by waiting for 2 hours, here's your diploma.

No, thank you. I'm still waiting for someone.

Yes, but do they know you are?

Let me help you. What will you have?

A knight conquering the world for women.

- Are you watching this? - He can't do that!

- Well, he can... - He can't abuse people like that!

And he has a white horse...

- Jesus. A white horse? - Well, yeah.

Now... this is embarrassing.

Pardon me, that dish is not on the menu.

May I suggest a businessman with no time for his family,

an anist without a horse or a penny

or a smoking hot beefcake with a horse's brains.

- Which one do you choose? - None ofthem!

We didn't fight for equal rights just so...

- I'm not like that at all. - Well... you kind of are.

What do I do? Everyone will laugh at me.

Relax, no one will recognize you.

Then... I don't know who would be right.

I told you, you look great in that tuflleneck.

EXCUSE me a moment.

- Hi,Ania - Hi.

- So, about that gymnasium... - What were you guys talking about?

That Wilk show.

- Really. You watch that show? - Sometimes.

And yesterday he had this funny puppet,

this helpless, bespectacled... pathetic...

Why pathetic? Maybe she just had principles?

So you watched it too?

A bit. You can't fault a puppet for having standards.

But she talked like my grandmother.

Maybe your grandma is sman! Too bad men today aren't more like our grandfathers!

But my grandfather was an asshole.

- Marcel, relax. - We're gonna get cancelled!

Trust me, women love being insulted.

- Not this woman. - Which woman?

The independent, consciously childless,

professionally fulfilled, 59-year-old feminist icon who heads our network.

- Is the icon in? - Yes, she is... she's with someone now.

We'll wait.

I warned you to tone it down.

I'm not being paid to tone it down.

Besides, it was so funny I was still laughing when I got home.

You and your Neandeflhal followers. She'll fire us, you'll see.

Thank you very much, that's fantastic news!

Have fun doing your shit TV!

Fucking puppets!

Good bye!

Bring them in, please.

Of course.

The Director will see you now.

- Maybe we should wait a bit... - Come on.

Let me read you something:

“Your network has reached a new low.

Wilczyriski is a sexist and a chauvinist pig.

I hope you cancel his pathetic show."

- First, let me stafl by saying... - We received two thousand e-mails

and got five thousand comments on our profile.

Please don't pull the show.

I've decided to move you to Prime Time. On the main network, instead of Rafai.

Of course you'll need to make some changes.

Bigger budgets mean more responsibility.

Aneta, ask Jacek in.

I hope you understand. We need a producer at the helm with some real experience.

But I do have experience...

Hello, Tomek. It's a pleasure.

- Hello, Marcin. - Marcel.

And of course you need to give people what they want, what they like.

We actually have some great ideas...

Hania, and the things you said about love and romanticism, that was a hit!

That's what we're after.

Yeah, but it was more of a one-offthing, she's too boring...

Tomek...

you'll think of something, you're creative.

Sure thing.

Step it up now! Good!

What are they doing here?

Look at that four-eyed one.

- Enough! What was that?! - Everything ok?

PE is over, hit the locker room!

You're staying here. Five push-ups.

We're okay.

Stand please.

Great.

Yes, mom. I'll be there in an hour.

I know. I was at work. Bye.

Hey, Ania.

You really are a music teacher. How quaint.

- Get lost. - Wait up, I need to talk to you.

I don't have time. Not for you!

- You made me a laughing stock! - I did? Come on.

You know what they're calling me? Pathetic.

I'm not pathetic. Emphatic maybe, but not pathetic!

I never said you were. Of course you're not.

Could we...

Will you roll down the window?

I know you can still hear me.

You know what's pathetic? That you actually listen to that crap.

You're a role model to kids...

It's not mine, it's the radio.

You don't want to talk? Fine, I'll wait right here.

Shit!

- Are you okay? Should I call a doctor? - A baflender.

Shut up.

You could've killed me.

Listen,

I wanted to apologize.

I don't know why you're so pissed, the show was a hit.

And I thought that maybe we could...

I'm still waiting for that apology.

- Haven't I apologized? - No.

You said you wanted to, but never did.

Then I am sorry. And I think we should continue our co-operation.

The plan is you go on dates,

then tell me about them,

and we use that for my skits.

Simple, right?

Let me get this straight.

So I go on dates...

Then I tell you about them. Whom I met, where we went...

And then you turn me into an idiot on national TV?

What? Please. That's not what my show is about...

Listen, we have quite a budget, you wouldn't be working for free.

You want to buy me?! Like some whore...

Did I say that?

Jesus, talking to you is like reading Tolstoy.

- Dude... - Tomek.

Tomek.

There's absolutely nothing you could offer to convince me.

- Seriously? - Seriously.

That's a real pity.

Marcel, the piano didn't work out, send it back.

Yes, I know it's Steinway.

Yes, I tried. I know, those poor kids...

How did you know?

I did my homework.

Actually, Marcel did.

He's been doing it since high school.

Ok, so how does this work?

You stay with us for the whole season.

If you back out - no piano.

And if I fall in love?

If you fall in love, the piano is yours,

and you can leave.

But I could always lie to you.

Just say that I fell in love.

Then I guess I'll have to trust you.

- What is it? - Some dating app. He said it would be easy.

- Try clicking this. - I can't.

Dinosaurs.

It's only the hottest dating app around.

I hope you're not using it?

Of course not. All I do is watch canoons, I don't even know what a penis is.

Very funny.

Better show us how it works.

This is an app for searching people.

Here's a list of who "liked" you.

A list of who you "liked". This is the chat.

Swipe right to "like",

swipe left to... well... not.

That's it.

- That's it? - That's it.

So you click here... And there. Oh, look, he has a doggy.

No. Move on.

- This one's cute. - Are you crazy? He looks like a rapist.

- Move on. - This one looks nice.

Book publisher... Who buys books anymore? Move on.

- Maybe this one... or that one. - Wait, go back.

Oh no.

Sexy Dad_107?

Give me that.

It's Bogdan.

Oh God, I knew it. He's always coming home late.

- I'm past my prime! - I'm sure that's just a mix up.

Hey there, weirdos. Everything okay?

Ok, so help me pick one. This one?

Yeah, he's great. We have to go.

What? Wait...

Promise me something. Look at me!

Promise me you won't do anyihing stupid.

I promise.

Zosia... You know, I need to help Ania find the right guy.

Could you set up a profile for me?

Like... a real one, under your name?

No, make up a fake name! Krystyna, Halina, something.

Krystyna? Halina?

In 21st century? You need something modern, like...

Flinygirl.

Flinygirl. Great.

Flir1ygirl_22.

Or maybe... 46.

I said 22.

Okay, calm down...

Mikoiaj invites to his planet. Accept?

Together on the same planet.

What can I get you?

I'm waiting for someone.

Ania?

Mikoiaj?

Yes. How are you doing?

I'm... very surprised, actually.

- Why? - You're here. On time. And handsome.

Did I say that out loud?

Say what out loud?

You're funny!

We talked, had a good time.

We had a drink,

and it was very nice.

And then what?

Nothing.

Each of us went home.

Wow. Great! Viewers will drop dead from excitement!

Great idea, Marcel!

Ania, we really need you to be open with us...

- I'm off to hang myself. - Wait, wait.

Well, OK.

- Two vodkas. - No, thank you.

Just the two vodkas then.

Sure you don'twantany1hing?

Maybe a glass of water.

He was nice.

And sweet.

But a little nervous.

Much better now.

Your profile said you publish books.

- That's great, I love reading. - Blah, that's boring.

What I really love is football. Two more vodkas.

Make them double.

Do you like football?

- Well, I guess... - Great!

He kept ordering vodkas until he had a full football team,

so he could explain how offside works.

Here are the strikers, here's the ball...

So when they pass here...

I'm sorry, but it's our first date.

Aya ya yay, that poor little Hania

So young and so pretty Her dates are so shitty

You feel like throwing up!

That's all for today, ladies and gentlemen.

It was an absolute pleasure for me.

See you next week!

And a double Absolut for me!

- Would you like anyihing else? - Two more doubles. On the lady!

So you're a publisher. Do you know “Master and Margarita”?

I'm the master of margaritas!

Waiter, more double vodkas! I need to chase the single ones.

Hey, hot stuff.

Hey... handsome...

Wanna meet up?

How about some sexy pics first?

Son of a bitch.

Ok, that was actually kind of funny.

Hi.

- Dominik? - Kasia.

- Ania. - Pardons. Ania.

So here's what we'll do. Let's call a cab.

We'll get some wine, grapes, whatever you like...

and we'll go to my place... or yours?

But... maybe we could talk first?

Or something?

The thing is, I'm on a tight schedule.

But thanks.

Kasia?

Dominik.

Here's the plan.

We call a cab, get some grapes...

Ok.

Well, good evening!

I tell him there's no way.

He says he's on a tight schedule.

And she just up and left with him. Incredible.

They were complete strangers.

- “Tight schedule”, nice one. - Why is that funny?

It is. And not just to me. Come to the show tonight, and you'll see.

I've got this.

Gonna take it?

Or do you want to get to know him first, too?

I'm just wondering if it's a good idea.

Don't be so uptight. Come over, it's your show too.

- Can I bring a friend? - Sure.

Wilk's show at 8. Wanna go with me?

DEFINITELY.

Do you mind?

What's up with her?

I don't know. You married her.

Download Planet Single app and find your soulmate.

Yeah, sure.

Bullshit.

Swipe right and join the fun.

End your lonely days. And nights.

Hey, baby.

When will you send me some pics?

Sexydad?

What the...

- What are you doing? - Nothing. Just got a message.

- Anyihing interesting? - Oh yes, very.

- So you're going out tonight? - Yes, with Ania.

- Great. Tell her I said “Hi”. - Don't wait up.

Zoéka,

here's the thing.

The thing is...

So I'm supposed to do this talk with kids

about the pitfalls of Internet dating.

And...

Do you know what that Planet Single thing is?

Naturally. It is an established disease entity:

nymphomania and should be treated as such.

Do you treat women as well?

- Of course. - What's the address?

Dominik... where is he?

Why fight it?

Just follow your instincts.

Are you Kasia? Or maybe you? No, wait, not you.

- Leave them alone! - How about you? Kasia?

Don't turn away from me.

Give us a kiss.

Leave them alone, please.

Angela is available.

I'm coming, Angela! I adore her! Have you seen her tits?

Angela, I'm coming!

The DJ was our most complex puppet.

You already know Marcel.

And this is Tomek, but we call him For1y Winks.

- He once fell asleep during the show. - He won't let it go.

Hi.

- Looks exactly like him. - Like whom?

This one guy I know.

You know, you actually look a bit like...

Go get some sleep. Thanks.

He knows?!

Come on, his synapses last made contact in October.

Ania tells me you call yourself a hair psychologist. Is that right?

Ola and I are going to talk hair and makeup. We might be a while.

- Want to see something cool? - Yes.

- Want to see something cool? - Yes.

- Want to see something cool? - Yes.

You keep shoes next to the brushes?

Interesting. No one minded it so far.

It's terribly unhygienic.

What's this?

Public TV ordered it for some show, but figured it was too risque, so we got it.

Their loss, our gain.

Marcel? Jacek needs you. They have a problem with the guests.

Well, I have a problem with my throat.

Naugh1Y-

Enjoy.

I'll be down the hall.

Incredible.

You made them all yourself?

The first few dozen.

Now I have an entire team to do it for me.

It suits you.

And this was my first puppet.

- How long ago did you make it? - I don't remember. Simon?

Pardon me!

Tomek? Geez!

When I last saw you, the country was on food rations.

Oh, a princess.

At your service...

I get this bum stafled in the business.

And what do I get in return? A one-way ticket to storage town.

Sorry, he loves pulling at heaflstrings.

How did you learn to make those voices?

I never had any friends, so I had to enteflain myself.

And now seriously?

My parents were never home,

and my grandfather was a kids' show veteran.

I've been playing with puppets ever since I remember.

Oh, so we're sharing?

So how did you fall in love with music, princess?

Same old story:

my dad was a composer, when I was little he'd sit me at the piano

and I could bang on the keys.

The rest is history.

- I even got into a conservatory in Paris. - Really? Nice.

Dad even bought me a dress for my first recital.

And? What happened?

He died as I was about to leave.

Mom fell apart I had to stay.

So stay I did.

Stafled teaching.

Sometimes that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Sorry, I need to run.

L'll talkto him.

- Where's Marcel? - In no. 3, I think.

- You really think I'm uptight? - What?

You called me that.

You make it sound like an insult.

I just meant that you could just be more spontaneous.

That headless pervefl!

He thinks he can find someone younger and hotter?

He had such treasure at home, that hairy Iardass.

I could've had anyone...

See? Spontaneous.

I really am sorry. Can you forgive me?

Bitter-Sweet invites for a chat. Accept?

Ania and Bitter-Sweet are a match.

BITTERSWEET: What are you doing?

ANIA: Nothing. Watching TV.

BITTERSWEET: Most people

would make up something fancy.

ANIA: Ok, what are you doing then?

BITTERSWEET: Talking to an attractive girl.

ANIA: Does she know

you're also writing to me?

ANIA: Your turn. Better to know the date

or the cause of your death?

BITTERSWEET: Cause, obviously.

Would you rather have a

PAUSE or a REWIND button?

ANIA: Someone already hit PAUSE in my life.

BITTERSWEET: Meaning?

ANIA: I don't know, I feel stuck.

Do you know what I mean?

BITTERSWEET: I do.

I feel I should be doing something else.

Like I've made a wrong turn.

ANIA: Do you want to meet?

BITTERSWEET: Maybe someday.

It's good to talk for now.

Oh, sorry. Would you like some coffee?

Yes.

What kind? Espresso, black, latte?

Yeah, great.

And... what kind do you drink?

Black. Sweet. Not too sweet, though.

So a bit bitter.

- Yeah, that's coffee for you. - And life, right?

I don't get it.

I mean that coffee is like life.

I know what you said, but I don't know what you mean.

That coffee, much like life,

can be bitter and sweet.

Sure.

It's cool when it's sweet, but sometimes it's bitter.

Bittersweet.

That's what I said.

I have a date. I need to run.

Olek_36 invites to his planet. Accept?

- Olek? - No.

Ania?

Good evening.

You look ravishing.

Should we stafl you off with an alcoholic beverage?

Excuse me!

- Could I see some ID? - Cenainly.

I'm sorry, but we have a strict policy against prostitution.

He was this shod. Like that kid.

Headmaster_110 invites to his planet.

Hey, handsome. Want some sexy pics?

I'm just feeling, like, so much pressure from them, you know?

Maybe just come right out and tell your parents you're gay.

What? I'm so not gay!

This game is dumb.

Our heroine was rejected by a beautiful man.

A man with shiny muscles,

sculpted with steel...

Happy Binhday to you...

But it's not my biflhday.

They serve free cake if you say it is.

Since I promised...

That bitch!

- What did you call my daughter? - No, I did not mean...

You heard right.

- Tell your wife to shut up. - Or what?

Maybe you should quit while you're ahead.

ANIA: Jesus. I had no idea

Internet dating was such a minefield.

BITTERSWEET: You need to kiss a lot

of frogs to find a prince. Best of luck.

HEADMASTER_110: The day after tomorrow at 7PM?

SEXY DAD_107: The day after tomorrow at 7PM?

FLIRTYGIRL_22: Yep. Rev up your engine, stud.

ARTIST: Yep. Rev up your engine, stud.

HOW TO GET RID OF A WICKED STEPMOTHER

Tune in tomorrow for more fun!

- I had a reservation, Malinowski. - Piotr? Hey.

Hey, Ania. Nice to see you.

- This is Oscar. - Piotr.

- Piotr who? - Ania's friend from work.

A friend?

You like my girlfriend?

- You'd like to screw her? - No...

- No? So she's ugly? - No, she's pretty...

So you DO want to screw her!

ANIA: Hey, are you there?

Everyihing OK?

Only the days yet to come are still imponant.

The moments we're waiting for are all that matter.

Hania could succumb to female hysteria and vaginal redistinction.

What can we do, doctor? How can we help her?

In our time, when someone went mad, we just cut their head off.

Or we gave them opium.

Drugs are an option, but what could we give her?

She's so picky

that her best hope would probably be a roofie...

ANT_MAN: I still haven't lost hope.

Best hope of not dying a virgin that is.

Can you explain how a roofie works?

ANIA: You stood me up. I waited forever.

This one dulls your senses first.

This one? Let's try it out.

- Wait, that's irresponsible... - How long before it stems?

ANT_MAN: And I'll make it up for you

just as long.

ANT_MAN: Give me a chance?

- What? - What do you think?

You should see yourself. You're glued to all those gadgets.

- I'm talking to someone. - Oh, that's rich.

That's not talking. This is talking.

Nowadays this is also talking.

- So who is he? - I don't know.

You don't know who you're talking to?

I'm trying to figure out.

Ania, he should be trying to figure you out. Not the other way around!

You won't find anyone of substance by chasing them.

Your dad never gave up on wooing me and it was the love of my life.

The right person is someone who will never give up on you.

That's who you will find happiness with, not...

What is that trash?!

ANIA: Dopamina. Tomorrow 8PM. Sharp!

Oh my, I'm late.

Okay, I deserved that.

- Ania. - Antoni. Or Ant_Man.

That's cleared up then. But you're not a superhero.

Well, if I was I couldn't tell you.

Maybe I should explain what happened that evening.

See,

I had my whole day planned. And then I got a call

from school that my daughter...

Yes, I have a daughter. Matylda. She's 6.

This is getting interesting.

They called saying that... That she left school and they can't find her.

You're quite the storyieller.

- You don't believe me. - No... I do.

I've seen some weird things lately. Go on.

I looked for her all over, called everyone, turned out

- she went to the Philharmonic. - A 6-year-old.

My wife used to sing in a choir before she passed.

Matylda hasn't been coping well with her mom's death.

She went to ask about her mom's next performance.

She doesn't quite understand mom isn't coming back.

You're not joking?

- I'm so sorry. - No, I am sorry.

A widowed father... I didn't want to drop that bombshell right away.

I just wanted to explain why I couldn't make our first date.

I didn't have your number, so I couldn't call.

- I'm sorry. - Come on, it's...

- How is your daughter now? - Depends.

The thing is, no one knows how much she actually understands.

- So her mom sang in a choir? - Yes.

That's uncanny, because Iteach music. I run this club...

I know, I saw it on your profile.

Music can help a lot. You could sign her up.

So, now that we've got first date superficial banter out of the way...

- How about... - Your favorite food.

Lasagne.

Please don't tell me it's yours too.

I didn't say that, because...

my favorite food is kebab.

- Excuse me. Two kebabs please. - We don't serve kebabs.

In that case we'll need a moment.

And please take these away.

How's life?

Hungry. I had only salad again.

Cooking just now. Come on over.

Isn't it a little late?

10:30PM? How old are you?

37! :)

Seriously?

I'll take this.

- Come on in. - Should I be scared?

Would you like a drink?

Thank you.

- Wine. - White? Red?

White... red... white...

Just your average bachelor's pad.

If you find the bathroom, let me know.

I haven't listened to this in years.

Shall we spin it?

There were so many days That drained our strength

There were so many moments That left us breathless...

I used to play this for my parents.

On the piano.

As a child. Every Sunday.

I'd watch them dance.

Dying of boredom.

I was sick of this song.

After dad died, mom stopped listening to it.

And now I'd give anyihing to play it for them again.

- So... tell me about today. - What about it?

Your date with the no-show.

- I don't want to talk about it. - That bad?

That good.

Seriously?

Tell me then.

I don't want to.

- Why not? - Because you'll use it on the show.

Isn't that the deal we made?

Well, this one might have potential. I don't want to mess it up.

Why would I mess it up?

We're looking for a boyfriend for you, right?

- But promise this stays between us. - Okay,

but have some more wine.

He was...

charming, handsome, funny...

- Excuse me... - Cheerful...

Isn't this the same guy who left you waiting in a restaurant for two hours?

Turns out we have a lot in common.

He also loves music and lost someone close to him.

Whom?

His wife.

She died of cancer nine months ago and... it's a sad story.

That's why he couldn't make it.

His daughter ran away from home, he was looking for her.

What's this face?

- Can't you hear how that sounds? - How?

His wife died of cancer.

And his daughter went missing.

He showed me pictures.

Of his dead wife and escaping kid?

If you'd lost someone, you wouldn't be making fun.

A pity I haven't then.

That's not what I meant, Ijust...

He wasn't lying.

We had a terribly nice time.

So terrible or nice?

- So when should I bring the piano? - What piano?

You fell in love, we had a deal.

Fell in love? Ijust had a good time.

Ok,

it's late, I have a busy day tomorrow.

But thanks, the food was delicious.

I'll find the elevator myself.

That face is uglier than most butts, and your mother hates your guts!

Don't listen to him, your face is beautiful.

Count out loud.

Five, six, seven...

- Everything ok? - It'll heal.

I'm sorry. I didn't know he was a jerk.

It's ok. It's sweet that you care.

I can't imagine how you must have felt.

You're just sitting there, talking, and suddenly I barge in...

It must have been a shock.

I'll be right back, and then you'll tell me everyihing.

- Hello. - We've decided to take your advice.

I'm glad.

You must be Matylda.

- Hello. - Hello.

- She's adorable. - Definitely her mother's genes.

Children, this is our new friend. Say hello.

Hi!

She'll do great.

- Thanks for bringing her. - I should be thanking you.

I had fun talking to you, so I hoped...

That we could keep talking.

Tonight.

With pleasure.

Quiet!

- Then I'll see you. - Good bye!

What are you doing?

Go study, read something!

That idiot. I'll show him. I'll meet someone. I'm still young.

He'll beg me for forgiveness.

And I'll go: “l'm so sorry, my dear...

but go fuck yourself.”

For the greatest guy in the world Your Ola

- Nice suit. - Yeah.

You look quite good yourself.

So... have fun with Ania.

And you with the accountant.

Oh, I will most definitely have so much fun.

Voila. After you.

- Age before beauty. - Ladies first.

- You're in more of a hurry. - I'll wait.

I had no idea men could sing opera?

Crazy, right?

Shocking.

I need to tweet about it.

Something stronger.

Make it a double.

What were we talking about?

I don't remember. I can't think now, I have to tweet.

- Where are you going? - Take some selfies, I'll be right back.

Ania?

Tomek?

What are you doing here?

You look great. Beautiful.

You... too.

- Shall we...? - Ania!

I didn't know it is so hard to get to a club.

- Antoni, this is Tomek, my... - Colleague.

Do you teach as well?

- Pardon? - I asked if you're a teacher.

- No. I'm on television. - A producer?

Kind of. I have this talk show with puppets.

Cool. Sounds exciting.

- Unfoflunately, I don't watch too much TV. - What do you do?

Boring stuff.

He's a doctor.

A doctor. Wow.

Just a gastroenterologist. Nothing flashy.

Nothing flashy. He just saves lives.

So we have something in common.

We both stick our hands up asses for a living...

That's true.

So, listen, maybe you could come to the show the day after tomorrow.

What? We can't.

- Why not? Matylda loves puppets. - Your daughter?

Yes.

Well in that case you must come.

Definitely.

Are you sure you're free?

- Yeah. Tomorrow, right? - The day after.

The day after... I can't. I have work.

Too bad.

I should take this. I'll be back before you can say gastroenterology.

- He's cute. - What was that?

What?

I invited him. To our show.

- You told him about the show, right? - Of course... not.

You're lying to him?

I'm not, Ijust...

Oh, grow up.

Ania, wait.

- Sorry! - Ok, yeah, enough!

You need to speak up.

I know, darling, I'm sorry. I'm at a club with my friends.

I know, it's loud.

No, I'll be very late tonight. Don't wait up.

Will you tell mom good night from me?

Kisses to you both. Sleep well.

Occupied.

But you can pass the paper.

Surprised, huh?

How could you do this to me, like some...

whore!

How could...

Unbelievable.

Surprised, huh?

No, that's no good...

How could you do this to me?

You bitch. Surprised?

How could you do this to me?

Like a damn whore.

Here you go.

- Do you feel like... - Like murder!

- Good evening... - No, thank you.

Surprised, huh? How could you...

Surprised?! Were you expecting someone else?

How could you do this to me you cheating bastard?!

Can't you watch porn on the internet like any other guy?

You want whores to send you pervefled pics?

- Pervefled? - That's what I'm saying!

I had to lose myjob to learn what a lying cheating bastard you are.

Wait a minute...? You got fired again?!

Yeah, I was. Months ago! So what?

Why can't you keep a job? You're completely irresponsible!

And you didn't even notice! You never had any respect for me!

Respect?!

I can't believe I ever thought you could be a decent wife!

Let alone a mother to my child!

You can't even hold onto a job, let alone a family!

- Great! - Great...

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to...

- Maybe it's time for me to leave. - Fine with me.

There's the door.

Welcome to my humble abode.

Humble? It's cozy.

Sorry, it's a bit messy.

You should see our place.

This is the bathroom, the hall, and the living room.

Ola?

I had nowhere to go.

- Oh gosh. - Sure thing, honey. It's no problem.

Bogdan is a pig.

A pig-

- I'm so sorry. - All men are pigs. Ania!

Move away from that pig!

Back to the pigsty you pig!

Good night.

Probably going home to his wife! But they don't even have sex!

I'm sorry. Maybe he was a nice pig.

- What happened? - Bogdan...

The man who used to be so close to my head...

it's over.

Tomek?

- Octavia. - Walk with me.

- Is something wrong? - The ratings are down.

- I know, I can expla... - No, just fix it.

Sure.

Maybe we should reveal Hania's true identity, while anyone still cares.

I promised her anonymity.

How touching.

- And? - We need to boost the ratings.

Even more? How?

I have an idea.

Are you sure it's the right place?

No. We spent 8 hours staking out the wrong house.

Here we go.

- It's like Miami Vice. - Hush.

Which one do you want to be?

- I'll be the black one. - You're so annoying.

Tell the guys to follow him and report Watch out.

You really want to do this?

Did you see that? He's a fraud.

- We're messing with people's lives... - Ratings won't go up by themselves.

Ok, you're the boss.

I am afraid your husband has been cheating on you.

I can't believe this.

We have proof.

I can't believe this. Not again.

So it's not the first time?

How is it that all these women fall for his weepy shtick?

Who is this whore?

It doesn't matter.

I know! I'll call him... No, I'll go to him and I'll kill him.

- Calm down. - You calm down! I'll cut his balls off!

Darling...

Darling, go to your room, I'll be right there.

- Perhaps... - You're gay, right?

Can you rape him for me?

Excuse me?!

Here's what we'll do. I cut his balls off,

you rape him, and then we kill him.

- I'm not raping anyone! - Look,

I have a much better idea.

- Ladies first. - You're kidding.

- Promise you won't murder me? - And walk back in the dark alone?

- Damn it... - What?!

People are sleeping here! We're sorry!

- Let me sleep! - The lady said she's sorry!

- Do I bother you at your home?! - We're so sorry.

Antoni!

Here.

- Miss me? - Very much.

It's beautiful.

Beautiful women should be brought to beautiful places.

- This is the amphitheater where... - ...Joanna used to sing, yes.

She used to stand almost exactly where you are standing now.

- Maybe we should leave... - You don't like it?

No, I do.

It's beautiful, but I think...

- Not again! - What the hell...

Bravo, Antoni!

An Oscar-woflhy performance!

We are here at the amphitheater for the grand unmasking

of not one, but two people!

- The real Hania, and the real Antoni. - What?!

Meet Ania,

the true inspiration for Hania, and a very close friend of mine.

- Who is Hania? - She's a puppet.

- What's this? Some son of a show? - Duh!

Yes. No! I don't know what this is.

Ania was brought here by this man - Antoni Bienczycki

who is also leading something of a double life. Right?

What?

He's the kind of guy who uses sympathy and deceit to prey on helpless women.

- What the hell? - In a moment, my fearless assistant will

bring out your wife, so she can see what a lying, cheating asshole you are.

- Marcel! - Let me go.

You whore!

Leave me alone!

' Marysia? ' Let go!

- Antoni? What are you doing here? - What am I doing here?

- Who is this? - My sister.

- You married your own sister? - No, you idiot. My wife is dead.

You're sleeping with both my husband and my brother?

- You lying... - I'm not sleeping with anyone!

Just think, if you were living another life, you wouldn't get to experience this...

- Calm her down. Do something! - What can I do?

Stop! Quiet!

Thank you very much.

There's clearly probably been a big misunderstanding.

Maria is not Antoni's wife, she's his sister.

His wife is dead. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is.

This has all been a mistake.

We didn't mean to cause you distress.

We apologize, and we're leaving now.

Let's go.

I also am surprised.

Antoni...

You are all disgusting.

At least it will be a great show!

I'm sorry, Antoni...

How could you? He's a good man.

I wanted to help...

Help? You've been using me all this time.

I was a fool to think we had an understanding.

- Ania wait... - I don't want to see you again. Ever.

You can't just leave.

- What about the piano? - I don't give a shit about your piano.

An interesting evening, I have to say.

But that footage. Awesome!

Oh well, good riddance. Let's go get a drink.

We've been through some shit together, eh?

The community center in Nidzica, remember?

And look where we are now.

Yeah, where are we now?

This whole thing today

- that wasn't the guy I spent the last 20 years with.

I just realized that guy is gone.

You didn't even say a word when she sidelined me.

And so shit hits the fan.

Do you wanna talk to mommy?

Darling,

- when we talk to mommy... - I know.

What do you know?

That mom isn't coming back.

Ela, sing on, don't mind him.

One, two, three...

- I can't. - Ela, don't run off...

Sounds like a cat being gassed, oh thank God, silence at last.

So you think it's funny? Humiliating girls for the amusement of others?

You think if you have a show, an audience, anyihing goes?

You behave like a little punk.

And you know who likes little punks? No one!

If you make fun of my group one more time, I'll shove this ball

so far up your ass, that before you get it out, you'll die of constipation.

Understand?

What's going on? Everything okay?

Yes, every1hing's okay. Right, Igor?

Here are your invitations to the recital.

Nice.

What did you do again?

Should we stafl without him?

- Play it. - Good morning.

- Almost on time. - Where's Marcel?

He didn't tell you? He quit in the morning.

Thank God for Jacek.

This is just the first cut.

You whore!

He's the kind of guy who uses sympathy and deceit to prey on helpless women.

You're sleeping with my husband?

Meet Ania, the true inspiration for Hania, and a very close friend of mine.

An Oscar-woflhy performance!

- But it's not true. It was his sister. - Great, but put in more Springer stuff.

And have the music build up until the wife appears.

- It's not his wife. - Really?

Okay. We'll tweak the music.

Put “Antoni - cheating husband” at the bottom.

And send me a copy.

Hallo. Just the TV guide.

WILK TO UNMASK THE REAL HANIA

Your change...

- Hi, mom. - Hi.

And what's this?

- An invitation. - To what?

The recital I'm preparing for the end of school year.

And the TV guide?

- What? - The TV guide.

How am I supposed to know what's on?

If you want the TV guide,

then maybe go out and buy one yourself.

Watch your tone.

Instead of sitting on your ass all day, watching this drivel.

Is that how you talk to your mother?

Mother? Since when?

I'm the one taking care of you.

Delivering your mail, buying groceries, mornings and evenings.

- I'm like your nursemaid. - You think I have it easy?

You think I'm having the time of my life?!

Ania? Ania!

New likes: 0 New comments: 0

Stop recording this, you brat!

What did you call my daughter, you readheaded trollop?!

- Get out! You don't work here anymore! - That's because I quit! You fascists!

Let's go, Zoéka.

Dad?

Are you home?

Are you having fun?

You're the most stubborn chick I've ever met.

Beautiful.

- We've missed you! - Good morning, miss.

Good morning.

I thought you wouldn't be back.

I didn't really have a choice.

She's been singing my ear off.

She practically dragged me here.

I'm so sorry about what happened...

Don't be...

- it woke me up. Your friend... - He's not my friend.

Okay, but he was right about one thing.

I am a liar.

I've been lying to myself.

The truth is, I need to find closure before I can move on.

I know the feeling.

- Is anyone working here? - You'd like to order?

- Yes, I'd like... - Tomek Wilczyriski?

Yes. But no autographs today.

I'll give you Margarita...

Hey! The drunk!

Marcel...

Marcel!

Stop shouting. What are you doing?

I've no idea what I'm doing.

I don't know what's going on.

Since high school, when you used to let me copy your answers...

Ijust don't know how I could...

Marcel!

Don't leave me, please! I won't make it on my own!

Why aren't you in my life when I need you so much!

Stop yelling!

Thank you for coming down.

Ok, just get up, don't be silly.

I'm so terribly sad.

I love you so much.

- I love you too. - I'm sorry. I did it all wrong.

- You've done nothing wrong. - Please forgive me.

I forgive you. Come on.

Is that Tomek Wilczyriski?

I didn't know he was gay.

Come on, everyihing will be fine.

Ania...

Ania...

Someone's at the door. Tell them to go away.

Is there a fire?!

- Hello. - Hi.

Is Ola here?

Wait, I still don't get it.

You made two fake profiles, and convinced Ola and Bogdan

when they were actually talking to you?

I'm impressed. So much planning, and secrecy... incredible.

- How did you pull it off? It's... - Ania...

I'm off to school.

Good luck.

So the joke's over. You can come back home now, right?

Not really.

- But why? I'm sorry. Can't we... - Stop it.

It's not your fault.

You just helped us realize that things had been off for quite a while, and...

- We're simply not a good match. - But you are.

We were happy.

I'm not much of a mother anyway.

So you're just giving up?

Kids! Slight change of plans.

Pass these around.

Piotr...

- I need your help. - Calm down.

What's up?

Are you still in that band?

We jam sometimes.

I need them, and you, and all of you.

And most of all, you Igor.

Come on.

Let's go.

Don't be scared. Be a man.

Marcel. I thought you quit.

- I wouldn't miss the season finale. - Yeah, It's going to be sensational.

Oktawia was looking for you.

Again?

She said: “Get me that that bold-headed idiot”. Figured she meant you.

We have these inside jokes, you know...

But we're staning in a moment.

I can run the intro for you.

You'll be back by the end ofthe monologue.

Ok, I'll be right back.

- How much time do we have? - 30 seconds.

- Great. Here you go. - What's this?

A slight change of plans.

I missed this.

The mixing chamber is empty.

Releasing the lock...

It is time to stem in 3, 2, 1... applause!

Tomek! Tomek!

Hania! Hania!

The season finale! Incredible.

I never thought I'd make it this far.

I remember we stafled out years ago with my friend,

doing puppet shows in a local community center.

Who remembers what a community center is?

In our case, it was where drunk plumbers yelled “show us your tits!”.

Here I am.

Obviously.

- You wanted to talk to me. - No.

Damn it.

Suddenly I get a call from Rafa! Wolski.

Rafa! freaking Wolski!

He saw me perform and invited me to his show. My first TV appearance.

Rafah thanks for then,

and sorry for now.

Incredible. That was 5 years ago.

Now I'm standing in the same studio,

and you could say I finally have what I wanted.

But not what I needed.

- Ania, come see this. - Yes. Thank you very much.

Yes, last night I got my ass kicked.

And you know what?

That's exactly what I needed.

I made fun of people with real lives who...

Man...

People who were braver than me, because they weren't scared of failure...

People who were looking for love,

and the funny thing is - some ofthem found it.

See for yourselves.

- My name is Mikoiaj. - Edyta.

I came here with the real Hania once.

On an Internet date.

The date was just awful.

We didn't click. She was too passé.

But she was right.

- I went home and told my family I'm... - Gay.

But a moment later I met...

my treasure.

She was afraid to commit, at first, but eventually...

Leave it.

Karolina enchanted me with her vitality, beauty, and personality...

What are you staring at?! He's my man!

He says I relax him.

- He likes visiting me at work. - Because she makes great coffee.

Later, I met Geflruda.

When she stepped through the door, her hair blowing in the breeze.

- So modern and stylish... - Ania!

I cut that woman's hair!

I yelled at that hairdresser, but because of her I met the love of my life.

- I'd like to thank her. - Look, it's mom's client.

Ola, you're a true aflist. Thank you.

I was looking for you, but I guess you only work with stars now.

Hugs and kisses.

You just called her “mom”.

No I didn't.

It's cool. We care for each other, trust each other...

Stop it.

Mother!

- And you? Are you single? - Not now, mom...

Ask the nice man for his number...

I didn't believe one could find love, especially on the Internet.

I still can't believe what they just said.

But I realized my mistake.

I was always focused on why things didn't work.

Then I realized that instead of looking for someone ideal,

I should look for someone

who makes up for my deficiencies.

The thing about the real Hania is she's not perfect either.

She's annoying, neurotic, she talks way too much

and she's the sloppiest eater I have ever seen...

But she's not afraid to be herself.

And she knows better than me that in life you should fight

not for what you want,

but for what you need.

If you had told me this 6 months ago, I'd laugh at you.

But now I'll say it from this stage:

honesty takes guts.

And not everyone has what it takes.

People like Hania do.

It's easier to do what I do: to mock others.

But I never had the courage to stop pretending.

And that's why I'm alone.

So you want to know who the real Hania is?

She's right in front of you.

You pass her on the subway, in the hallway,

maybe she works at your office, maybe she lives next door.

It's someone you overlooked, second-guessed, or mistreated.

You will notice her once you stop thinking only about yourself.

So I want to ask you all. You, my audience...

Take a look around.

Don't do what I did.

Don't blow it.

Because you may find yourselves in an empty house,

all alone.

So that was that. Good luck.

INVITATION

Headmaster_110 invites to his planet.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Delivered this morning. No sender.

Probably some foundation, right?

HAVE A GREAT PERFORMANCE

- Hello, principal. - Come on in...

- I'm glad you came. - Good evening. Headmaster, I presume?

Uh...

Headmaster_110?

Yes. Yes, of course.

And you must be Flinygirl.

Nice to meet you.

I'll tell you one thing.

Your profile picture doesn't do you justice.

Dad, I need to...

Oh, you have a daughter?

Yes. This is my daughter...

- Her name is... - Zoéka.

Let's find your seats.

Just so you know, you're grounded for a year for this.

There were so many days

That drained our strength

There were so many moments That left us breathless

When you regret those

That gave you nothing but grief

Just realize this,

Just remember that

Only the days yet to come are still imponant.

The moments we're waiting for are all that matter.

The world can be a better place, be brave - make up for your mistakes.

There's still time in the universe. Look in the mirror: change yourself first.

There's no point weeping, no point crying Think about it and stop denying

Don't live in the past, the future can be better

Only the days ahead of us matter!

There was a successful man Who had everyihing he desired

But one day lost his way On the twisting road of life.

Though his foflune was gone He listened to his head

And never gave up hope, because...

Only the days yet to come are still imponant.

The moments we're waiting for are all that matter.

How can you see those you know with fresh eyes?

How do you collect your thoughts

when they've been scattered?

How do you find in yourself The strength to carry on?

Search for the answers

There is always time, because...

Only the days yet to come are still imponant.

The moments we're waiting for are all that matter.

I liked your singing.

Forgive me.

- Thanks, bye. - Bye.

- Friend of yours? - Mom...

BITTERSWEET: Maybe it's time to meet?

He)'. Where'd you go?

BITTERSWEET: I hope I didn't scare you off?

OK, I'll write for both of us

BITTERSWEET: This is Ania, how's life.

I'm missing you Bittersweet.

You know Bittersweet, when I'm ready

to meet I'll let you know right away.

Three weeks since the last message.

ANIA: Tomorrow 8PM at Café Rynek.

Hope I recognize you.

Let me guess: water and breadsticks?

- Still waiting for someone. - In that case we'll wait together.

Piotr?

Who the fuck is Piotr?

Jerk!

You were pretending to be Bittersweet all this time!

- I wasn't pretending. - A bas clef?!

I thought you'd like it! I thought it would be romant..

Marcel!

Coming, Your Lowness.

Give me a hand.

Mount up!

- Help me up! - Sure, Your Fierceness...

Away!

Minstrels! Play on!

How can you be such a stubborn, annoying, stuck-up chick,

- Me stubborn? You are an egotistic... - ...and not understand that if

I make a fool of myself in front of all these people, trying to appologise

it's not to make fun of you, but to say that I love you!

What?

Did he just say that he loved me?

Tomek!

Stop that horse!

Ania?

Is that the crazy lady from your school?

Now I understand.

- Are you okay? - The horse...

I didn't catch what you said.

- I said you were the most stubborn... - Not that.

I'm in love with you.

Wilczyriski in love? His friends confirm!

Viewers deparied with Wilk? Head of network to be replaced.

The man behind Wilk. Producer Marcel shares his new plans.

Rough Cut: Star stylist talks about love, family and hair psychology.

How one show turned a school

into a hotbed of musical talent.

How a family feud helped a teenager make

a hit communicator for parents and kids.

What a piece of shit.

Subtitles: Zofia Syroka DI FACTORY