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# They say l might as well face the truth

# That l am just too long in the tooth

# So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But l have not yet quite gone to seed

# l may be over the hill now that l have retired

# Fading away, but l'm not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

There's a rat walking up his garden path now.

l could stuff a mattress with your pubic hair.

What do you do? Pull it out with tweezers?

He's stopped by the clothes prop,

now he's turning round and walking back down again.

Bloody things!

lt's just the same when l make the bed.

lt's like sleeping with a moulting porcupine.

Do you have to stand on top of the lavatory like Nelson's Column?

Why don't you use the toilet roll as a telescope and be done with it?

And how do you know it's a he? Your eyesight isn't that good.

Hang on, he's coming out again.

He's brought shears to trim the honeysuckle.

lf he so much as snips one of my sweet peas off over that fence, l've got him!

God almighty.

Seven months of this, l've put up with.

What happened happened.

Why can't you both let it rest instead of behaving like you're at infant school?

l am not behaving as if l am at infant school!

ln any case, he started it.

When your neighbour mows down your garden gnomes with a machine gun,

it's not something you quickly forget.

Worse than a couple of feuding cowboys.

l've seen you trying to train Mrs Lacey's cat to be sick on his rockery.

Who did?

Demonstrating how to stick a paw down its throat.

l've never known anyone be so petty.

l was not... ln any case, which of us keeps leaving little yellow Post-it Notes

on the back gate every five minutes?

lf we're talking about petty, what about these?

''Lawnmower too loud.''

''Creosote splash found on lupins.''

''For Christ's sake, put some oil on that wheelbarrow.''

l don't believe you've actually stuck those in a book.

And don't forget this!

Laying a tripwire so l'd fall flat on my face in his wet cement.

Oh, for God's sake.

l heard him laughing at me through the letter box,

laughing and whispering, ''Got you, you bastard!'' under his breath.

Tripwire?

That's where he lined the edge of his path with twine.

Hah! Talk about paranoid.

Anyway, it serves you right for trying to take a short cut across his grass.

lf you were looking where you were going,

instead of walking about with your nose stuck in that video magazine...

He's lighting a bonfire.

Quick, put some washing out, then l can leave him a bloody Post-it Note.

Oh, there's a letter for them. Somebody got the wrong number evidently.

Give that back here!

For God's sake, Victor.

l have had about enough of this, l have, straight!

Look. You can take this round to him,

it'll give you a chance to apologise to each other

and bury the blasted hatchet, the pair of you.

Otherwise, l'm leaving home. And l mean it.

l'm not traipsing round there like a message boy.

lf he wants his mail, he can come and get it.

There, you wanted evidence, there it is.

One diseased marigold stalk covered in black fly.

- Patrick! - Smack in the middle of the floribunda.

You're not going to tell me it floated there?

You always have to think the worst of people.

lt's no coincidence that these things

only started raining down on our garden last Monday

after the World ln Action special on biological warfare.

Look at the mess he wilfully made of our front path

after l spent three hours getting the bloody thing level.

- (Sighs) - Are you OK?

- Has it come yet? - Just more bills.

lt's academic anyway, as far as l'm concerned.

Do you have to keep writing those things?

The man is a cretin, dear, of the highest order.

l knew it the first time we went to see him. He made us a cup of tea

and then tried to force us at knife-point to get into his bed.

What planet is he from?

- Yes? - Oh, er...

This letter came through our door by...

Oh, right. Thank you.

l um...

Yes, Mr Meldrew?

You're going to fill this in then, are you?

No, l thought about leaving it, like Hollywood Boulevard.

The impressions of glittering neighbours' faces in concrete.

Oh, well. lt's nice to find you being so reasonable about it all, l must say.

Reasonable, Mr Meldrew? l mean, what is reasonable these days?

To find outside one's house, l don't know,

a pile of horse manure covered in fairy lights?

- Who's to say? - What's that supposed to mean?

By anyone's standards, it's not exactly Sleeping Beauty's castle, is it?

How long has it been there? 40 days and 40 nights?

Three days and three nights, since you ask.

Funny, felt longer.

At least it's clearly signposted,

so people don't go accidentally sprawling headfirst into it.

ls that what they're there for?

l thought it was some jubilee celebration for the fertilizer industry.

l don't have to justify my actions to you.

Next time, pick up your own mail.

And another thing, if l find one more of those bloody stupid little yellow notes,

l may not be responsible for my actions.

Nice chatting with you, Mr Meldrew.

(Music and applause on TV)

Crap!

The state of British television today can be summed up in two words -

Jeremy Beadle.

l'm ready for that ham and mushroom now.

lt's my belief that Paul Daniels and Jeremy Beadle are the same person,

like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Notice you never see them together.

Which one's Mr Hyde?

Which one do you think?

Just imagine the horror if they lost the antidote.

They'd have to send in the mob with burning torches.

What the hell's this when it's at home?

(Victor) Sorry?

Dressing? lt's more like an environmental disaster.

lt never ceases to amaze me

the things that people seem to want to watch these days.

When was it? Wednesday in the week.

Thought l'd see that film about the Kray brothers, kill a couple of hours.

- Good, was it? - lt was very good.

lf you enjoy seeing people's hands being secured to the pocket of a billiard table.

Very good in the area of people's eyes being gouged out.

There l am, squirming in my seat.

There's this young bimbo behind me, cackling her head off.

- Why didn't you just leave the cinema? - Leave the cinema?

l was sitting here watching it on the video.

Said her name was Cheryl, she'd just called back for the cosmetics catalogue.

Let herself in by the back door and had been watching it over my shoulder.

Then she'd the nerve to ask me to spool back

to the bit where the bloke has his mouth sliced open with a sword.

Said that was one of her favourite bits.

That's the mentality of the people trying to sell you pore-cleansing fluid.

What's that you're eating?

Sorry?

Since when do l have this monstrosity?

Sardines and hot chillis with added pineapple.

Oh, sorry.

God, it's like watching one of those crushers on the back of a dustcart.

Talking of Jeremy Beadle,

l had three more complaints about that horse manure when l was out today.

Talk about getting up a petition about it in the post office.

lt's only a pile of horse manure, it's not going to bite anyone.

Said if it's there much longer,

they'll have to start putting it on the Ordnance Survey maps.

No wonder you upset the neighbours.

l don't understand why it had to come here in the first place.

Why couldn't he deliver it to the allotment round the corner?

He didn't speak very good English, unfortunately.

He'd only really mastered four words. ''Horse manure'' and ''20 quid''.

He looked more East European than anything else.

l didn't like the look of him,

walking round dressed like Abraham Lincoln in gumboots.

You buy horse manure from any old Tom, Dick, or Harry,

you don't know where it's been.

Don't know where it's been? You know exactly where it's been.

Up a horse.

l'll take it to the allotment tomorrow, when l get back from the doctor,

so the nation can sleep easy in their beds again.

Well, before you do, you'd better take Patrick's advice

- and oil that squeaky wheelbarrow. - Yes.

Well, never need to worry about a squeaky salad, that's for sure.

(Phone)

(Babies cry)

Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners. Can l help you? ls it an emergency?

Mrs Romiz to Dr Neeben. Mrs Romiz.

Friday at 10:20. Right, thank you. Bye.

- Excuse me... - One second, please.

Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners. Can l help you?

l'm afraid he died last week in his sleep. We did write to everyone.

ls it an emergency?

Oh, dear. Well, if it's hanging off,

l think you'd best go up to casualty, just to be on the safe side.

Kevin Spybie for Dr Sesapeski. Kevin Spybie.

That's right. You're welcome. Bye.

Sorry, sir. Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners. Can l help you?

Mr Scottie to the treatment room, Mr Scottie.

Mrs Patterson for Dr Yip, Mrs Patterson.

Right. Uh-huh. ls it an emergency?

Tomorrow at four? OK, lovely. Bye.

- Excuse me, please. - Yes, sir. You're Mr...?

Meldrew. l just tried to...

Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners.

l'm afraid Dr Kebble-Kepplit is on holiday this week. ls it an emergency?

l've got a cancellation for Dr Pondicherry at five.

Yes, you do. The one that looks like Doberman in Sergeant Bilko.

All right, if you'd rather. Bye.

l've just come to pick up a prescription. Victor Meldrew from Dr Snelgrove.

Mr Chandrasekar to Dr Trilling, Mr Chandrasekar.

And Sharon Chumley to the treatment room, Sharon Chumley.

Dr Snelgrove had to go to a wedding.

l think we were passing most of her patients to Dr Watson.

Where's he gone? To look for the Hound of the Baskervilles?

Might as well have Dr Doolittle, or Dr Joseph Goebbels.

l've got a note here, but l don't think he's done your prescription yet.

l'll just check for you. Naseem, did that prescription come through at all?

- For Mr Meldrew's haemorrhoids? - (Phone)

She's just checking for you, sir.

Watson, Kebble-Kepplit and Partners. Can l help you?

Sorry?

Yes, he's standing right next to me as a matter of fact.

Somebody asking when you're going to shift a pile of manure.

ls it an emergency?

Morning, Mrs Meldrew.

- Morning. - ls it me, or is it moist?

Sorry?

Oh, it is a bit on the humid side today.

- Did you have a nice weekend? - Lovely, thank you.

- Where did you go to in the end? - To hospital.

l'm afraid Granny took a turn for the worse,

so l had to run Mother up there on a sudden mercy dash.

Which was a little fraught.

Her wheelchair accidentally locked into high-speed reverse

and she went on a mystery tour of the Clement Atlee wing.

Took an hour and a half to find her

and by then she'd gate-crashed three hysterectomies,

so a bit of a day, all in all.

So how is your grandmother now?

Not giving any cause for concern or anything?

Oh, no, no. Not now she's dead.

Well, she was 93 and they reckon it was a broken bone that finally did it.

Oh, dear.

Didn't know you could die of a broken bone.

Well, you can when it's stuck in your windpipe, apparently.

She was always a great one for gnawing on chicken carcasses.

lt's just one of those things, l suppose.

Funeral's tomorrow. Don't think Mother's looking forward to it. Are you, Mother?

Mrs Meldrew said she was very sorry to hear the tragic news.

How's Mr Meldrew? Getting on all right with his new allotment?

Funny, l always think about it when l pass his horse manure in the mornings.

Oh, yes.

Yes, he seems to be getting quite into it now.

Given him a bit of interest in life at last.

l'm sorry, Mr Swainey, you'll have to excuse me. l've got some potatoes on.

Oh, no, don't let them spoil.

l'm very sorry about your grandmother and...l must dash.

See you, Mrs Meldrew.

Where have you been? Timbuktu?

Don't! An hour and a bloody quarter l had to wait in that bloody place

for a simple repeat prescription.

l haven't had a chance to get to the chemist's.

Could you get it when you're out?

lf l don't move that manure, they'll be lynching me from a lamppost.

Wonderful, isn't it?

The health service is at breaking point, three million unemployed,

you'd think people would find better things to moan about.

(Sizzling)

ls something burning in here?

(Squeaking)

Afternoon.

Mr Meldrew, is it?

Yes.

l won't shake hands.

Dr Mervin Mile. l believe you were expecting me.

- Sorry? - l need to carry out a couple of tests.

lt won't take a jiffy.

What? ln the middle of an allotment?

Got a couple of ticks, have you?

l haven't, no. They found my prescription in the end,

in a copy of Smash Hits on the waiting room table.

No, no, no, Mr Meldrew, l'm not that sort of doctor.

l'm from the Borough Council.

Health And Public Safety Department.

l thought my office had already contacted you.

About what?

Nothing you need concern yourself about, Mr Meldrew. Nothing at all.

Now then, this is the manure here, is it?

What are you doing?

You bought this from a gentleman last week, l gather?

Black beard, long black coat, bit of a foreign accent?

Yes. What about it? What's the problem?

For goodness' sake, tell me, what's wrong with my horse manure?

Don't be silly, Margaret. l was just doing a stocktake on my vitamins.

Patrick's at work, so, no, it's very convenient.

l just thought l ought to make amends.

Oh, you don't have to.

Mine's as bad. They deserve each other.

You'd think two fully-grown men would be more tolerant, more forgiving.

Would you?

No. l suppose you wouldn't really.

You swear by all this, do you?

Oh, that's Patrick's ginseng.

He takes it to reverse the ageing process.

Does it work?

Well, in that he's acting like a five-year-old...

Course, he's always had a childish side to his nature,

except when he was a child, oddly enough.

l don't know what to do about him and Victor.

lt's one thing to call someone a tosspot to their face,

but when you go to the lengths of having it iced on a Thorntons Easter egg,

l think it's got beyond a joke.

He did put a card in the post as well.

No name or address on the envelope, just the words 'To that cretin in the cap.'

l suppose it helped him to let off steam at the time.

Yes.

The irony is, we received it.

About the quickest a letter's ever got to us, l think.

There we are.

Get that down your neck, soothe away all your troubles.

Camomile, tilia, lemongrass and jasmine.

Mind, it's a bit hot.

Maybe Victor could do with dietary supplements.

- What sort of things does he eat? - Anything, of any sort or description.

ln the most hideous and disgusting combinations.

Food you wouldn't put in the same cupboard,

he would happily slice up together on his Weetabix.

lt's like watching nonstop junk mail going through a letter box.

l think he lost all sense of taste years ago.

- Stomach like a bin liner? - Mm.

This is nice. You get this at the health-food shop?

Two spoonfuls to calm you down, three and you sleep like a top.

God, you're well stocked up.

Well, need all the vitamins l can get from now on, l'm afraid.

Why's that?

Pippa!

lron, zinc, magnesium.

Patrick's got this vision of the doctor saying,

''Congratulations, it's Metal Mickey!''

You must be thrilled. Congratulations.

Well, l'm not sure thrilled is the word. lt wasn't exactly planned.

l know l'm supposed to be all glowing and maternal,

but when you look round at the state of things,

l don't think life is something l'd wish on my worst enemy.

And you never know what you're bringing into the world.

Look at the people who started out as babies.

Hitler, Dr Crippen.

Oh, you wait till it's born. lt'll be a treasure.

You just wonder these days what kind of a start that is in life,

to be the child of a bus driver.

l did think about packing it in.

But Patrick said he could always work more from home and look after it for me,

the way his business has been going lately.

You've just got your postnatal depression a bit early.

lt'll be the most wonderful that ever happened. You won't want to stop.

Well, we'll see, l suppose.

Have some more tea.

(Crackling)

No, no, no, no. Nothing to worry about here, Mr Meldrew.

You can rest assured of that.

Stop telling me l've nothing to worry about,

you're making me extremely worried.

What's all this about?

No danger of gamma rays, or anything.

You can put your mind at rest on that one.

Gamma rays?

lt makes you wonder how these cowboys get hold of the ruddy stuff, doesn't it?

l don't know. Course, the stables have all been closed down for the time being.

They're not certain the contamination levels were significant,

but you can't be too careful when you're next to a nuclear reactor plant, can you?

All this is just by way of a precaution really.

Nuclear reactor plant?

What contamination levels? Contamination levels of what?

By rights, all this manure should've been seized by the Ministry of Agriculture.

Not driven halfway across the country so any idiot could just buy the...

- What is it? - Look at that.

Where the hell did that come from?

Looks like a piece of fairy light off a Christmas tree.

What are you trying to tell me? ls it dangerous?

Oh, no, no, no.

You're talking a mere 4.3 micro-microcuries.

- Am l? - Oh, yes.

Well below permitted levels. Well below permitted levels.

Although still more than normal.

Right, as l say,

there's nothing you should concern yourself about here, Mr Meldrew.

Have a Mars bar.

''Have a Mars bar?'' What kind of advice is that?

l'm standing here with an allotment covered in radioactive horse shit

and all you can say is, ''Have a Mars bar''?

What am l supposed to do now, for God's sake?

Well, if l were you, l'd forget all about it.

- Would you? - Yeah. lt really isn't significant.

lt's just it's our duty to check up on these things, that's all.

Are you absolutely positive it's safe?

The radiation levels are absolutely miniscule, Mr Meldrew.

- Look, you see this digital watch? - Yes.

l can get you one of these at half price, if you're interested.

A mate brings them in from the Continent at cost.

There's a ladies' model too.

Think about it and give me a ring.

Well, bye, then, Mr Meldrew.

Oh, for God's sake, stop worrying.

You'll end up a complete nervous wreck.

Yes, right.

Stop worrying.

l'm never buying anything from anyone who comes to the door ever again.

- Said that would happen, didn't l? - What?

lf you cut your nails on a Sunday.

Yes. l distinctly remember you saying,

''Watch out, someone's going to palm you off with radioactive horse droppings

''from the Sizewell B Riding Academy.'' lt happens every day.

l said you'd have bad luck.

When do l have good luck?

He said there was nothing to worry about,

- so what are you worried about? - What am l worried about?

That the hairs are going to fall out of my gooseberries.

Don't know what it could lead to.

l'd already forked in three wheelbarrowfuls when he arrived.

l just don't know why everything you do has to end up as a three-act bloody...

What the bloody hell's this?

That is my hairstyling mousse, when you've quite finished!

- Should be more clearly marked. - You'll be more clearly marked soon.

Pippa's having a baby.

Pippa is?

Why is that so strange?

l didn't think she had room for one.

What's that supposed to mean?

l mean, don't they use their spare bedroom as an office?

She admitted it wasn't exactly planned.

Seems a bit down in the dumps about it at the moment.

l'm sure that'll pass.

Must be a bit of a worry, when you stop to think about it.

What you might be unleashing on the world.

Could grow up into anything, could be one of the Kray brothers.

Or Jeremy Beadle.

One more noise to worry about on a Sunday, l suppose.

- l suppose so. - Right, that's me.

- You were an accident. - Yes, l expect so.

- l brought you a glass of water up. - Right, thanks!

What did you say?

- When? - You said l was an accident.

- What about it? - Who told you that?

Your father told me at our wedding reception.

Said you were a complete and total mistake,

the result of a careless oversight on their first night in Skegness.

No one's said anything to me about that before.

lt's not the sort of thing you tell a child, is it?

Once you're born, you're born.

- He said l wasn't planned in any way? - No.

You were a complete and total surprise.

Your mum was hoping for a new gas cooker.

Like everything else in life, l suppose, you make do in the end.

l suppose, yes.

Oh, can't remember whether l locked the back door. Will you check?

Yes, all right.

Victor?

You haven't been...?

Oh, God, no!

Right, no, no. Thank you very much, Mrs Meldrew.

l'm... l'll see you, Patrick.

Yes, l expect you will.

Well, the saga continues.

At least there's never a dull moment living next door to those two.

You on the moan again?

On the positive side, that mystery's cleared up.

- What is? - The mystery of my missing ginseng.

- l'd been hunting high and low for them. - Where were they?

Mr Meldrew had been sticking them up his bottom.

l beg your pardon?

Yes, apparently.

l looked in most places. l think it's fair to say l didn't dream of looking there.

What are you talking about?

l don't know why l'm so surprised. The man seems capable of virtually anything.

But how did he get hold of them?

How he got hold of them, l'd rather not contemplate.

Between his thumb and forefinger presumably.

Beyond that, the image is too horrific to think about.

Margaret was fiddling about with them on this table.

They must've fallen in her bag.

She said she'd been to the chemist to pick up a prescription.

So he must've put... Oh, dear.

What are we supposed to do?

Put a statutory notice on the side of every bottle of vitamin pills?

''Caution. This product should not be shoved up Victor Meldrew's rectum?''

- You're not throwing the rest away? - They've lost their appeal.

Can't imagine why.

l'll have a word with her. l was going round there anyway.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable!

(Sighs)

(Knock at door)

- Hello. - Pippa, hello.

l'm sorry. l'm afraid that didn't improve matters, did it?

Don't worry about it. Are you just off?

ln a minute or two. Got to earn a few more pennies.

What's that?

Well, l was down there first thing and remembering how much you liked it, so...

Oh, Pippa, thanks so much. How much do l owe you?

Don't be daft. Remember, it's very relaxing last thing at night.

Good if you suffer with tossing and turning in your sleep.

Victor does the tossing and turning, l suffer.

Like a whirling dervish, the way he wraps those sheets round himself.

l lie there freezing to death next to this Egyptian mummy snoring his head off.

- Human corkscrew? - Hm.

Anyway, we'll certainly give it a try.

- How are you feeling today? Any better? - Mood comes and goes, you know.

Got to look lively myself. See you later, probably.

Thanks a lot, Pippa. Bye!

(Doorbell)

- Oh, Mr Swainey. - Morning, Mrs Meldrew.

Come in.

How did it go? Oh, you're looking a bit peaky.

Not to be wondered at, l suppose. Were there many there?

Not really. Six of us, counting the corpse.

l wanted to thank you for the flowers. We were both touched, Mother especially.

How is she?

Well, she spent most of the service crying and blowing her nose.

lt was a bit like hearing Abide With Me being played on the tuba.

Then she started getting her prickly heat,

so l've just wheeled her back indoors to cool down a bit.

Would you like a cup of tea? This is herbal, supposed to be very soothing.

No, thanks. Auntie Min is on the back seat

and she'll be itching to get back to her slug gun.

Oh, right.

- l'm going to miss my bus. - Are you going to the shop?

- l'll drop you, l'm going past. - Are you sure? That would save my life.

l won't be a tick, l'll just get my purse.

- Morning, Mr Meldrew. - Morning. How are you?

Are you all right?

Just the worry of Mother, l suppose.

Always knocks you for six, doesn't it, a death in the family?

Oh.

Oh, dear, l didn't know about this. When did this happen?

Sorry?

- When did she die? - Oh, on Sunday, 6:30 at the hospital.

l didn't know she'd been taken up there.

Who?

- Your mother. - Oh, yeah. Took her up in the afternoon,

no sooner got her up there than we lost her.

- Didn't Mrs Meldrew tell you? - She didn't, no.

lt's all been a pretty gruelling experience.

l've just got back with her from the crematorium, actually.

Really?

l was telling Mrs Meldrew, she's still a bit on the hot side, unfortunately.

ls she? Yes.

Take a while to cool down, l expect.

l expect, yes.

l said l'd give your wife a lift in, it's on my way.

You couldn't do me a favour and keep an eye on Mother for me?

lt's just the thought of leaving her on her own. Do you know what l mean?

No, no. Right.

- Ready when you are! - Coming, Mrs Meldrew.

See you later then and thanks very much, l appreciate it.

- (Margaret) Bye, Victor! - Bye, then!

(Gasps)

- (Phone) - Oh! Oh, my God!

Yes?

What?

No, l bloody well don't want to subscribe to Which? Bugger off!

Oh!

l don't believe it.

(Vacuum cleaner whirs)

You'll remember to get those chops, won't you?

lt's Sarah's leaving do at lunch time, so l doubt l'll get the chance.

This is an interesting one.

He's just come outside and unravelled six toilet rolls into a cast-iron skillet.

He's scrunched them up and set fire to them.

Patrick, will you come away from that bloody window?

He's sprinkling Mazola cooking oil all over them to make them burn.

l don't believe this.

He's mashing up all the ashes with the end of a rolling pin.

- Like a mortar and pestle. - Yes, l dare say he is.

Where are the car keys?

What do you mean, ''Yes, l daresay he is''?

What sort of remark is that?

Talk about being anally fixated, my God.

- You say he's normal? - l never said he was normal.

You're not telling me these are the actions of a sane human being.

- The man must be shot to buggery. - Did you hear me?

- You're getting the chops. - Yes, l heard you.

Right, l'll see you tonight then.

Mad as a bloody March hare.

l wonder if we could get him certified on BUPA.

Where have you been? Your meal's nearly ready.

l suddenly realised it was the last day to pay the video rental.

There was a queue a mile long up there.

l get back to the car and find out she had tapped in the wrong amount.

l had to go traipsing all the way back again.

Where is it? Has he taken it?

Has who taken what?

Evidently.

Can you imagine bringing something like that into someone else's house?

Don't suppose he'll notice the difference.

What are you rabbiting about? Do you want toasted buns, or use up the stale?

Use up the stale, it'll be fine for toast.

Ah, do my ears deceive me,

or is that the rumble of the Tuesday night paper shredder chattering into life?

Ah, yes, here it comes.

All the local news straight off the presses.

l don't know why they don't just print it on confetti and be done with it.

Where is it?

''Your Problems Answered by Mimsy Birkovitz.''

''Dear Mimsy,

''l wonder if l am unusual in only having one eyebrow.

''lt stretches over both my eyes and the top of my nose,

''giving me the appearance of

''someone with a nine-inch caterpillar crawling across their face.''

l don't believe some of these.

Listen to this one.

''Dear Wife At Her Wit's End, please stop worrying.

''l assure you, it is not possible to catch venereal disease

''from underpants bought at a jumble sale.''

- l'm dishing up now, all right? - Yes, right.

l don't believe it. Look at this.

- Look at what? - Look at this headline.

''Gardeners Reel At Doomsday Dung Horror.''

''Dozens of elderly gardeners were today being treated for shock

''after learning that radioactive horse manure

''had been dumped in an allotment close to where they work.

''Although a local health official said the material had been declared safe,

''a wave of panic has already set in amongst local allotment holders,

''sparking fears of mutant parsnips and giant stampeding earthworms,

''as depicted in the science-fiction film Tremors.

''Said 70-year-old Mr Horace Tring of Khartoum Terrace,

'''This is Three Mile lsland all over again.'

''Mean...'' (Gasps)

''Meanwhile, the spreader of the Doomsday Dung, Mr Victor Meldrew, 61 ,

''had this morning gone to ground...''

Gone to ground? l'd gone to Gateway.

''..and was refusing to answer the door to reporters,

''but neighbours close to his Riverbank home confirmed

''that the manure, whilst outside Meldrew's house,

''had been seen to emit a strange, sinister glow in the dark.''

l don't bel...

Can you believe this? They've blown the whole thing out of all bloody proportion.

What's their number? l'm going to ring the editor now.

(Doorbell)

Mr Meldrew?

What?

Ben Killick, chairman of the Allotments Association.

l'm afraid you've caused an upset amongst some of our members,

so l've been instructed to call round here to tell you that steps have been taken.

Steps? What sort of...

Look, there's no risk involved. Everything's been declared totally safe.

A man came and checked it, took samples for analysis.

So l've been led to believe, Mr Meldrew.

There's only one question l want to ask and that is,

do you or do you not wish to keep that allotment?

Of course l want to keep it.

Ah, fair enough then.

Otherwise, you see, we would've taken it up to the tip.

OK, George.

(Engine starts up)

What the... What... You...

Pollute your own environment if you want to,

but you're not going to pollute ours.

(Sighs)

- Mr Meldrew? - Oh, God save us, here we go.

Look, it wasn't my fault. lt was the bloody press that stirred all this up.

The stupid, senile... l didn't ask them to get the bloody lot and cart it back!

Victor, will you wrap up?

Patrick, what is it?

l wondered if one of you could run me up to the hospital.

There's been a very bad bus crash.

lt's all right, love. lt's OK.

l feel worse than l look.

You mean you look worse than you feel?

No.

Just one of those things.

Car shot out in front of me from a side street. l went straight in.

lt wasn't your fault.

- Don't blame yourself. - Maniac with bollocks for brains.

l could've ploughed across the traffic and killed 50 people.

l don't know how l didn't.

Breath test was positive, of course.

lsn't it always?

When are people ever going to get it into their skulls?

He should be locked away for life. There's simply no excuse.

No, l don't think you understand, Margaret.

My breath test was positive.

No?

Just over. Three milligrams or something.

l mean, l know l was fine, but that's not the point, of course.

You're quite right, Margaret, no excuse at all.

Lunch time, one of the office staff was leaving.

l had three martinis pushed into my hand.

Well, l've paid for it now, haven't l?

lt's all right. Try not to keep thinking about it.

Lost my licence, lost my job.

Lost my baby.

Typical, l suppose, really.

Should've ended up the same way as it began.

Accidents will happen.

l wonder why they didn't put that on my birth certificate.

''Life by misadventure.''

lt would've just about summed it all up.

l've just been down to check the back door. l found this stuck to the glass.

Mm...

Shall l put it in the book?

What book?

How's the bedtime drink?

- Yes, fine. What is it? - lt's a special herbal tea.

Pippa got it for me at the health-food shop.

Said, ''Drink all that back and you'll have the best night's sleep ever.''

Night, then.

Night.

(Victor coughs)

(Victor vomits)

(Gasping)

# They say l might as well face the truth

# That l am just too long in the tooth

# l've started to deteriorate

# And now l've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true

# l have to pop my teeth in to chew

# And my old knees have started to knock

# l've just got too many miles on the clock

# So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# lt's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance and l can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #

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