Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

As always, it's been a challenging week for news.

We deserve to hear something heartwarming.

What have you got, Corky?

I've got just the thing.

Tomorrow is National Adopt a Pet Day!

Millions of dogs and cats need homes.

So maybe we can shine a light on the situation

and get these furry friends adopted.

And did you know that Donald Trump

is the only president since McKinley

not to have a pet?

Well, people in glass houses, Murphy.

I had a dog when I was a kid.

Its name was Lassie.

Was it real... or was it stuffed?

It was real to me.

Anyway, I'll be broadcasting live tomorrow morning

from the 14th Street Animal Shelter.

So come on down, see the animals,

and meet me and...

Murphy Brown.

What?

Oh, you know what? I see we're out of time.

So let's make sure to tune in tomorrow for

Murphy in the Shelter!

Wait, what just happened?

And we're out...

Another show without a black correspondent.

I'm just saying.

And don't think you can fire me, 'cause you can't.

I looked it up.

I'm doing great in school, and I'm all settled in upstairs.

I love you.

Your parents are such good people, Miguel.

I can think of a dozen characters in this town

that I'd rather see deported, and that's just the Cabinet.

My parents also said to thank you

for letting me stay in your spare room upstairs.

Hey, it's yours as long as you need it.

I appreciate that.

Although I am curious about where

all those creepy clown paintings came from.

They're great, aren't they?

Did you know they were all painted by men on death row?

No, I did not.

Hey, buddy. We're not open yet.

Be a good customer and come back in a few minutes.

I'm not a customer. Fred Noonan,

supervisor of the D.C. Safety and Hygiene Service Division.

- You're the health inspector? - Here in compliance

with the FDA Federal Food Code.

Your safety certification is almost expired.

Is this because I refused to serve Mitch McConnell?

It... It's not for the obvious reasons.

He always comes in without an umbrella...

and leaves with one.

Just doing my job, ma'am. Checking for the following...

Risk of fire, flood,

interruption of electrical or water service,

sewage backup, potential for food-borne illness,

and signs of insect and/or vermin infestation.

And if you find something?

I'll have to close you down.

This place has been in my family for three generations.

My father and brother gave their lives for this bar.

So you're saying someone died here?

No! Not lately.

I'm gonna start at the ice machine.

When was the last time you cleaned the filter?

Uh...

I think the answer you're looking for

is "never."

I'll handle this.

Remember, I grew up on a food truck.

Why don't you refill the salt and pepper shakers,

fold the napkins, and...

get your bras out of the sink in the back.

Okay, sure.

The kitchen is this way.

I can't believe you ambushed me

on the air, Corky!

I am working on a huge Chinese tariffs story.

I don't have time to go to an animal shelter.

I understand, Murphy, but if you come to the shelter

it could really help draw attention to the cause.

We're on the air five days a week, Murphy.

There's no reason you can't report on Chinese tariffs

while you're petting a Schnauzer.

I'm having trouble picturing you in an animal shelter, Murph.

It's like picturing Pence at a gay wedding.

You know, you are enjoying this way too much.

And if you think it's such a good idea,

why don't you go in my place?

First of all, I'm not on-air talent.

And secondly,

I'm not a dog person.

I had a girlfriend in college who had

one of those giant poodles.

He used to follow me into the bathroom

and stare at me while I was taking a shower.

Judging.

The first time my girlfriend and I had sex,

it thought I was killing her, and it tried to attack me.

I could never spend the night at her place because I had a sense

that the dog was just waiting for me to fall asleep...

so it could eat me.

No, I am not a dog person.

I was a single working mom.

I traveled a ton.

Avery asked me constantly for one,

but I knew the responsibility of the dog

would land on me.

Do not say the word "d-o-g."

- Hey, guys. - Hey, hey.

- Hey. - Hey, buddy.

How's everybody doing on this very fine morning?

Well, you're in a good mood.

Yup, yup, because I have got some very big news.

- You ready? - I am no longer

gonna be on the air opposite you.

Because... they are moving "Avery Brown's America"

to 10:00.

That's 10:00 P.M.,

as in following John Haggerty's show.

- Wow! - Whoa, kid!

You just went from the minor leagues

all the way to the big show.

Haggerty is the top draw in cable news.

That is one huge lead-in.

That's incredible. Isn't it, Murphy?

Your baby's in prime time.

Remember when we were in prime time?

Cars used to pick us up.

Our faces were on buses.

I didn't have to share a bathroom with Frank.

Phyllis, can I get a vodka

Make it two.

I'm busy.

You know, I don't believe I've heard a reaction

from you yet, Mother.

Avery, I think you know how I feel about the Wolf Network.

You just can't admit it, can you?

You were so sure that me working there

was gonna end in some massive failure, and it hasn't.

You did get your lights punched out not long ago

by rabid fans of your own network.

Yeah, that's precisely because

I didn't compromise my vision for my show.

I let America speak on both sides of the issues,

and you know what? I'm being thanked for it.

- I think you're being naive. - Naive?

Yes, now that you have this important time slot,

you're going to have to toe the party line.

I heard they're starting to ask their anchors

to read editorials on the air that push a far-right agenda.

No, no, no, no. You know what? The... The network brass and I

have already had that discussion, and I shut it down.

There is no way that's going to happen.

- I'm the independent guy. - Okay, okay.

Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I am.

Now, would you please let this freshly-minted

prime time superstar buy you all lunch?

Love it!

That was a rare pleasure.

No cockroaches lurking in the corners,

no rotting chicken in the walk-in freezer.

Oh, the things I've seen.

I don't eat at restaurants anymore.

Might as well just lick a sewer grate.

_

Good morning, everyone.

We're here at the 14th Street Animal Shelter

in Washington, D.C., and we want to encourage

everyone out there to adopt, not shop.

With me is my co-anchor, Murphy Brown.

This place is off-the-leash.

Also with us, Maha Bijan, the shelter director.

Good morning, Maha.

Tell us a bit about where we are.

Well, this is Washington's most crowded shelter.

We have rooms full of dogs and cats

that need loving homes.

Would you like to meet some of them?

Absolutely. How about you, Murphy?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Uh, okay.

Well, this little beauty is Gisele.

Named after the supermodel.

And what about this handsome guy?

His name is Cary Grant.

Oh, I bet I know why.

His black and white fur makes him look like

he's wearing a tuxedo.

Now, who wouldn't want a companion

who's always award show ready, huh?

Oh, he's wagging his tail. I think he likes you.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

So, why are there these big letter E's

over some of the kennels?

The "E" is for Euthanasia.

It means that the animal has been here for a long time

or is difficult to place.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying that these animals

are going to be put down?

What kind of a death factory are you running here, lady?

Murphy,

this is why we're here.

Shelters don't have space

for all these beautiful creatures.

Dogs that can't find homes, unfortunately,

are put to sleep.

670,000 of them a year.

What? That is outrageous.

I mean, Cary Grant can't be put down.

He's wearing a tuxedo, and he likes me.

Well, you know, Murphy,

you could do your part by taking a dog home.

Ah.

Think about the pride you'd feel,

knowing that you saved a life.

You. Murphy Brown.

Y-You know what?

I'm... I'm gonna do it.

But if I'm going to do it, I'm going to really do it.

I would like you to give me the next dog up on death row.

It would be an honor.

Ah!

Isn't this exciting, America?

This is such a wonderful thing that Murphy's doing...

Yeah.

And on live television.

How do you feel?

I feel pretty good.

In fact, I feel great.

What's that squeaking sound?

Uh, just... Uh, w-what is that?

This is number 256.

His chances were so low,

I couldn't bring myself to name him.

Congratulations, Murphy.

This is your dog.

Oh.

And I'm Corky Sherwood, reporting alongside

new dog owner, Murphy Brown.

A true American hero.

Over to you in the studio, Frank.

Oh...

What? I've got my curry.

You've got your own food

in that nice new bowl in the kitchen.

Ugh, let's just go into the kitchen...

and put some of this in your bowl.

Hello.

It's me,

Mr. Prime Time Avery Brown.

Oh, is that chicken curry? That's perfect on a cold night.

Oh, you're back.

- Hey. - I've got something to tell you.

Oh, yeah, me, too.

I settled on my first topic for my first prime-time episode.

So, my team and I...

I've got a team now...

we decided to cover the "hardening" of our schools,

you know, whether or not teachers should

carry firearms in the classrooms.

Excellent choice. Timely and important.

Yeah, what did you want to tell me?

Well, we broadcast from an animal shelter this morning.

You were at an animal shelter?

That's like Pence being at a gay wedding.

And I adopted a dog.

We got a dog?

Did we get a dog?

We got a dog? We got a dog?!

Is it here? Where is it?!

Is it a boy or a girl? Don't tell me.

I just want to see him.

Come on. Here you go.

256, meet your brother, Avery.

Avery, this is 256. There you go.

I love him.

I love him! Hi!

Oh, thank you so much! What the hell?

We got a dog?

- Hi, hi, hi! - Now that you're nearing 30

and you have your own TV show,

I thought you could handle the responsibility.

Okay, yes, aren't you a handsome boy!

What's his name, really? What's 256?

256 is what they called him in the shelter

before I saved his life.

I'm an American hero, you know.

Mm.

We got to give you a proper name like, um...

Uber. No. Scooter.

No.

You know what I'm gonna call him?

Your responsibility.

You're gonna make sure that he's fed

and walked and taken care of.

That's totally fine. I got to leave for Texas

first thing in the morning. We've got a lot of prep to do

before our first show on Monday,

but I can probably be back, uh,

to walk him on Tuesday.

What?! I work, too, you know.

What am I supposed to do while you're gone?

Oh, we'll figure it out. Come on.

This is the greatest day ever. We got a new family member.

Come on, Mario Andretti!

Too many syllables. I'll make it work.

Come on. I want to show you my room.

Oh, that's right.

Hang on. Hang on.

You know what, Mom? We got to get a stair chair.

And more yard! We're gonna have to move.

Oh, geez.

Come on.

It's called an elevator.

You get on, you get off. You just got off.

Look who's here!

Murphy, you didn't tell me you were meeting

with the head of the Hot Wheels Club today!

- Does he have a name? - Well, I was pushing for FDR,

but I got vetoed.

Aww, what a cutie!

Who's a good boy?!

You know, Corky, you have such a natural rapport with animals.

How would you like to take care of him

for the next few days 'til Avery gets back?

You know what? I'd love to,

but I already have a dog and three cats.

Murphy, we're not allowed to have dogs in the studio.

Look, Miles, I can't leave him home.

What if he blows a tire?

He can call Roadside Assistance.

You can make an exception. He has a disability.

And I am an American hero.

Wow, you actually adopted the dog.

I assumed it was a publicity stunt.

Pat! You're a vegan. You like animals.

How would you like to take this little beauty

for the next few days?

You know, I would,

but in my culture, we believe animals contain

the spirits of our dead ancestors,

and I can just feel my grandfather inside him

rolling around in his wheelchair, biting people.

I can't relive that.

Nice try, Pat.

Okay, fine.

- My building doesn't allow dogs. - Not buying it.

- I live in a fifth floor walk-up! - You do not.

Fine! I'm a compulsive liar!

Is that the kind of person you want taking care of your dog?

- Where is the dog? - I was just in my office.

For some strange reason,

it smelled like curry.

I looked around, and then right in front of my desk,

I see a nice, big, steaming pile of poop!

Are you saying my dog did it?

Because Andy in accounting is not your biggest fan.

There were tread marks!

Hello, and welcome to "Avery Brown's America"

in our brand-new 10:00 P.M. time slot.

We are coming to you live from

High Plains Elementary School in Lubbock, Texas.

Now, Texas is one of our most gun-friendly states,

so where better to discuss the controversial idea

of bringing weapons and military tactics into our classrooms?

Local area teachers share their thoughts.

Now, Lisa, you're a veteran teacher, right?

How's all this sitting with you?

Not so good.

Teaching junior high is hard enough.

You don't want to make me stand all day

inside a cloud of Axe Body Spray and also hold a gun.

Even if you were getting paid more money to do it?

The president said he'd pay teachers extra for gun training.

I could use the money.

Look.

I'm a retired Marine,

and I've spent a lot of time around guns,

and I can tell you that even with the best training,

most shooters only hit their targets one out of 10 times.

And what about you, Barbara?

You've been a music teacher your entire career.

I'm guessing you would not like to see arts programs

cut back in order to finance guns?

Well, they wouldn't have to buy me a gun.

I've got my own.

And if a shooter came into my classroom,

all I'd need to do is grab my glasses.

Oh, no. These are my readers.

Probably left my other glasses in the car again.

Then I'd have to load my gun.

I keep the bullets in my desk drawer.

Or did I move them to the locker?

Anyway, once I find them it's only a minute

to load up and then, pow!

You chose the wrong classroom, bad guy!

Okay.

I think we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

You are watching "Avery Brown's America"

in prime time.

And we're clear. Back in 60 seconds.

Avery, this was fantastic.

- Oh, great. - Couldn't have gone better.

Management called in a few minutes ago

and gave you a big thumbs-up.

They said when Haggerty goes on vacation next month,

you'll be filling in for him.

At 9:00... the crown jewel slot.

Wow, Rachel, that's...

- That's huge. - Yeah.

- That's great. - They just have one suggestion.

Yeah.

Instead of your usual closing thoughts,

they want you to read something they wrote.

They wrote something?

Yeah, it's good. It's fine.

You know what? I think there's been a miscommunication,

because I've already had this discussion with the brass,

and they know I'm the lone wolf on the network.

Yeah, in the morning, but in the 10:00 P.M. slot,

nationwide prime time, right after John Haggerty,

the greatest lead-in in cable news,

they want you to read what they wrote.

Everybody's agreed to do it.

- So they basically lied to me. - Come on, Avery.

You're running with the big dogs now,

and there are certain expectations.

- Yeah, but... - Look, it's on the teleprompter.

Just read it.

Don't blow this huge opportunity.

Coming back live in three, two...

An interesting thing about news is how quickly it spreads

and how often it's not only incorrect, but also...

fake.

Many news sources hide their bias

by burying it deep within stories.

That's why you should question

whatever the mainstream...

media...

No, I can't do it.

You know what?

You should question whatever the Wolf Network tells you,

because they will feed you any amount of BS

that you are willing to believe.

See, here at Wolf, we don't care about facts.

All we care about at Wolf

is shilling for this current administration.

You know what? Actually, you guys would save a lot of money

by firing your so-called journalists

and just bringing out a ventriloquist's dummy,

sitting it right there on the knee of the President

and just letting him reel off whatever he wants you to hear.

You know, I stuck with this place because...

God, I thought I could change the culture around here,

but believe me... I can't.

That's not gonna happen,

not unless you out there get up off your couch

and you let the powers-that-be know

that you are not gonna take it anymore.

This is Avery Brown signing off, taking my soul with me.

Wow.

You're not the only one who won't roll over.

He's gonna really need you when he gets home tomorrow,

so, for God's sake, don't take a dump in his room tonight.

How about that? All the way around the block,

and not one moving violation.

- Hey. - You're back from Texas.

Mm-hmm.

Listen, before you use what happened to me

as some kind of teachable moment,

let me just put it out there and say

congratulations, you were right.

And this is one time

I take absolutely no pleasure in it.

They put you in an impossible situation,

and you did the only thing you could.

You mean I took an amazing opportunity

and just shoved it down the garbage disposal?

Yes.

But an opportunity with that many strings attached

- is not worth it. - Come on.

I mean, I went off the rails on live television.

That kind of thing could follow me around forever.

First of all, in our business,

there is no forever anymore,

and if half the people think you're nuts,

the other half think you're a hero,

so how about that?

Two American heroes under one roof

and their mascot, 256.

Yeah, some hero.

I'm unemployed, I live with my mother,

my dog has wheels.

Yes, but in a noble way.

Like a champion. Like he's driving a chariot.

Like Ben-Hur.

Hey, wait. That's... That's actually pretty good.

Ben-Hur Brown. Benny Brown!

I think he likes it.

Either that or Timmy's down a well.

Come on, Benny. Let's go get something to eat.

You know, I think I saw

some leftover Indian food in the fridge.

Oh, no! My rugs!

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -