Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:02,500
Kids, back on the falls of 2007
2
00:00:02,500 --> 00:00:04,100
I was dating the girl named...
3
00:00:04,300 --> 00:00:05,700
Oh God, what was her name?
4
00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,300
It's been 23 years,
I can't remember all this stuff.
5
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,100
For the sake of the story,
let's call her...
6
00:00:10,100 --> 00:00:11,500
Everyone, this is Blahblah.
7
00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:13,200
Please, call me Blah.
8
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:16,400
So, Blah, how did you two meet?
9
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:19,000
Well, I was taking this
cooking class,
10
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:21,900
French Fusion, and everyone
already had a partner,
11
00:00:21,900 --> 00:00:24,500
but then I looked up
and across a crowded room,
12
00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:26,900
I saw Ted. It was magical.
13
00:00:26,900 --> 00:00:30,100
It was so magical.
14
00:00:30,300 --> 00:00:31,200
Except it wasn't.
15
00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:34,600
She's going to tell some bogus
story about a cooking class
16
00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:37,000
because she's embarrassed
we met online.
17
00:00:37,100 --> 00:00:39,200
- Ai Chihuahua!
- What?
18
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:41,000
What? There's no stigma anymore.
19
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,000
Oh, there's a stigma.
20
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,500
That's why people always say,
"There's no stigma anymore."
21
00:00:44,900 --> 00:00:46,900
- So, she's hot?
- Oh, she's gorgeous.
22
00:00:46,900 --> 00:00:48,200
Then she's crazy.
23
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:49,200
No, she's not.
24
00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:53,200
Ted, the only hot girls that troll
the Internet for dudes are crazy,
25
00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:55,100
hookers, or dudes.
26
00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:59,000
Okay, she's not crazy.
She's not a hooker. She's not a dude.
27
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,800
There's this guy I pass on my way
to work every day who's all three...
28
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,000
scares the crap out of me.
29
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,800
There is no way she is above
the line on the Hot/Crazy scale.
30
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,600
She's not even on
the Hot/Crazy scale.
31
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:09,700
She's just hot.
32
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,400
Wait. "Hot/Crazy scale"?
33
00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:12,600
Let me illustrate.
34
00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:15,600
A girl is allowed to be crazy
35
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:18,100
as long as she is equally hot.
36
00:01:19,500 --> 00:01:22,700
Thus, if she's this crazy,
she has to be this hot.
37
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:26,200
If she's this crazy,
she has to be this hot.
38
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,600
You want a girl
to be above this line,
39
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:32,300
also known
as the Vickie Mendoza Diagonal.
40
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,300
This girl I dated, she played
jump rope with that line.
41
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,800
She'd shave her head,
then lose ten pounds.
42
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:41,000
She'd stab me with a fork,
then get a boob job.
43
00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:43,100
I should give her a call.
44
00:01:43,700 --> 00:01:47,400
How I Met Your Mother 3x5
- How I Met Everyone Else -
45
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:59,500
Okay, so please, just play along
with her fake story.
46
00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,200
We met in a cooking class.
47
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,200
I don't know, Ted.
48
00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:04,000
I don't know if I can
just play along
49
00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:06,300
with your crazy girlfriend's
fake story.
50
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,300
Now, if you had said
fake breasts...
51
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,300
She's not crazy.
52
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,400
Okay. We'll see.
53
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:16,200
Long story short, thank goodness
I'm such a bad cook,
54
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,000
or I never would have met Ted.
55
00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:22,400
Oh, crazy how cute that is.
It's crazy.
56
00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:25,500
You know who else has a really
cute story of how they met?
57
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:28,100
Marshal and Lily. You guys should
tell that story, right now.
58
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,900
All right. But spoiler alert.
It ends with everyone saying, "Aw!"
59
00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:34,300
- Aw.
- Starts with it, too.
60
00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:37,500
When you've been a couple
as long as Marshal and Lily,
61
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,700
telling the how-we-met story
becomes a choreographed dance.
62
00:02:40,700 --> 00:02:43,300
It was late August, 1996.
63
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:45,600
Lily and I were both
freshman moving into...
64
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,000
- Hewitt Hall.
- Hewitt Hall.
65
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:49,500
And she needed some help
setting up her stereo.
66
00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:55,000
For some unknown reason,
I felt drawn to room 110.
67
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,900
As if she knew that someone
very special was behind that door.
68
00:02:59,100 --> 00:03:01,400
And as fate would have it...
69
00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:03,100
...that someone...
70
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,800
...was Marshall.
71
00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:07,800
- It was love at first sight.
- It was love at first sight.
72
00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:09,100
- Hi.
- Hi.
73
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,800
- Aw...
- I know, right?
74
00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:16,000
Now, they perfected that story
over hundreds of tellings.
75
00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:17,800
The first time Marshall
told it to me,
76
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,000
it was a little different.
77
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,700
Dude, this black-haired
Goth chick stopped by today.
78
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,800
Want to tap it.
79
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,700
You guys are so lucky.
80
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,300
You know, when Ted and I
were cooking
81
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,200
and our hands touched
for the first time,
82
00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:34,000
I knew right then that after class
he would take me up on the roof,
83
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:36,000
kiss me and give me a rose.
84
00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:37,800
Which he did!
85
00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:42,400
- Say, "Aw."
- Aw.
86
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,100
I know, right?
87
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,400
I'll get the next round,
okay, guys?
88
00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:53,900
Anybody would be stressed out
meeting new people.
89
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,600
She's not crazy.
90
00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:58,600
Crazy-generous maybe,
buying us drinks.
91
00:03:59,000 --> 00:03:59,900
Shut up.
92
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,800
So we know how Marshal
and Lily met.
93
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,300
Robin, how did you and Barney meet?
94
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:12,400
No...
No, no, no, no.
95
00:04:12,500 --> 00:04:16,200
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
96
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,100
No. Barney and I
are not together. No.
97
00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:20,200
No.
98
00:04:20,900 --> 00:04:23,500
Really? 16 no's?
Really?
99
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,700
- So you're... single?
- Yeah.
100
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:31,100
Oh. So, pretty and, single and,
friends with Ted.
101
00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:32,400
Great.
102
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,600
You know who else is friends
with Ted? Marshall.
103
00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:40,800
How did we meet? It was a good story.
I'm going to tell it, right now.
104
00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:42,300
Uh, it was the first
day of college.
105
00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:44,900
Kids, to understand this story,
you need to know
106
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,600
that your Uncle Marshall was doing
something that lots of college kids do.
107
00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:50,000
How do I say this?
108
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:52,300
He was, uh...
109
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,200
let's say, eating a sandwich.
110
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,100
Dude, I heard the dean is coming.
Put out your sandwich.
111
00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:12,500
Good afternoon, sir.
112
00:05:12,900 --> 00:05:14,900
- I'm Marshall Erickson.
- "Sir"?
113
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:17,100
No, please, just call me Ted.
114
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:18,200
Okay,
115
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:19,700
Dean Ted.
116
00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:23,700
Someone's been eating a sandwich.
117
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,400
What? No. Really?
118
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:29,900
I don't know 'cause I don't even
know what sandwiches smell like.
119
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,600
My parents are going to donate
a lot of money to this school.
120
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,700
So you're bottom bunk;
that's cool.
121
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,800
I wanted the top bunk anyway.
122
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,200
What do you mean?
123
00:05:40,900 --> 00:05:42,500
I'm you're new roommate.
124
00:05:43,700 --> 00:05:45,900
So unfair.
125
00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:49,600
I didn't realize Ted wasn't the dean
until later that night.
126
00:05:55,500 --> 00:05:57,400
You're not the dean.
127
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,500
College... good times.
128
00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:03,900
Oh, I get it. Ted told you
I didn't go to college,
129
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,600
so now you're giving me a cute,
little backhanded slap.
130
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:08,400
Oh, here we go.
131
00:06:08,700 --> 00:06:12,600
Well, while you were busy majoring
in being freakin' beautiful,
132
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,800
I was starting
my own line of handbags.
133
00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:17,500
Your own line of handbags?
That's crazy.
134
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:21,300
These have sold in Japan. Robin,
have you ever sold anything in Japan?
135
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:25,300
Uh, no. But I would love
to buy one of them, if...
136
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:26,600
Where can I get one?
137
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:29,600
I don't have a distributor here yet,
but than for rubbing that in.
138
00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:32,100
Why are you trying
to undermine me in front of Ted?
139
00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:35,300
Look, there's nothing going on
between me and Ted.
140
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,700
Wow, that just...
came out of nowhere.
141
00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:40,400
No, I'm just saying that you
have nothing to worry about.
142
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,500
I wasn't worried.
Are you saying I should be?
143
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:44,200
No, I'm saying
that you shouldn't be.
144
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:47,400
Oh, good, 'cause I'm not.
Now, Robin, can you just let it go?
145
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,600
You're making all of us
really uncomfortable.
146
00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:51,700
You know what else is
a good story?
147
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,100
How Barney and I met.
Barney, tell that story,
148
00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:55,600
right now, please.
149
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:57,500
Okay, Ted.
150
00:06:57,700 --> 00:06:59,800
This is a crazy story.
You're going to love it.
151
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,200
Tonight's the first time I'm taking my
deaf brother out
152
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,000
since our mom died.
153
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:08,100
- Oh, I'm sorry about that.
- No, that's okay.
154
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,400
I have to take care
of him now.
155
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,100
Of course,
156
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,800
I have had to put my dreams
on hold in order to do it, but...
157
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,000
I'm happy to.
158
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,000
He's my brother
and I love him.
159
00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:24,600
I'm sorry,
it's all still so fresh.
160
00:07:25,300 --> 00:07:27,700
Well, man, I'm, uh...
I'm really sorry.
161
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,000
Wow, you bought that?
162
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:32,400
What?
163
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,400
I just made that up
in mid-pee.
164
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:36,000
If it worked on you,
it's definitely going to work
165
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,900
on the blonde chick
at the end of the bar.
166
00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:40,600
Unless you're a total idiot.
What's your name?
167
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:43,500
- Ted.
- Are you a total idiot, Ted?
168
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,900
Well, I'm still having
this conversation, so...
169
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,100
Well played.
170
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,500
I like you, Ted.
171
00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:55,200
Ted, I'm going to teach
you how to live.
172
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,000
Barney.
We met at the urinal.
173
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,400
- Oh, right. Hi.
- Lesson one:
174
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,800
Lose the goatee;
it doesn't go with your suit.
175
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:03,900
I'm not wearing a suit.
176
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,300
Lesson two: Get a suit.
177
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,600
Suits are cool...
Exhibit A.
178
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,600
Lesson three: Don't even think about
getting married until you're 30.
179
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:13,100
And lesson four:
180
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,900
Be totally silent for
the next five minutes.
181
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,200
Hey, Audrey.
182
00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:18,600
Uh, this is
my deaf brother, Edward.
183
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,500
Edward!
184
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:23,300
This is Audrey!
185
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,200
You know, I actually know
some sign language.
186
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:32,100
"Hi, my name is Audrey."
187
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:33,800
"Nice to meet you."
188
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:35,500
He doesn't sign.
189
00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:37,900
He's embarrassed by his hands.
190
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:39,700
They're tiny...
and lady-like.
191
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,100
"I'm Edward."
192
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:43,700
"Nice to meet you to."
193
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:47,700
What? You...
are over your hand issues.
194
00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:49,100
It's about time.
195
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:53,600
"My brother's a great guy."
196
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,600
"You shoul give him
your phone number."
197
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,700
Here. Call me.
198
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:10,200
And even though that girl ended
up giving me a fake number,
199
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:13,600
I knew that Ted and I would be
each others wingmen forever.
200
00:09:14,100 --> 00:09:16,000
Barney, it's
time you knew, um.
201
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,800
That story actually goes
a little bit differently.
202
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:19,700
"He's lying to you."
203
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,200
"Just give him a fake number."
204
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:28,300
Great. Funny.
205
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:31,200
God, with a wingman like Ted,
I might need to resort to
206
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,800
meeting someone in a super,
desperate and lame way,
207
00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:35,300
like online.
208
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,200
Online.
209
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:43,600
- Online.
- Oh, my God! You told them?!
210
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,500
Okay, yes, I told them.
But it's not a big deal.
211
00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:48,700
Lots of people meet
on the Internet.
212
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:51,000
That whole scene, a stranger
across a crowded room thing...
213
00:09:51,100 --> 00:09:52,200
that only happens in the movies.
214
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,700
Yeah, that never happens.
215
00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:56,500
Oh, wait, except you and Robin.
That's how you guys met, right?
216
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:03,500
Wait,
217
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,300
you guys dated?
218
00:10:05,900 --> 00:10:07,700
- For how long?
- A year.
219
00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:11,700
But don't worry.
The relationship wasn't that good.
220
00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:13,500
By the end,
it was mostly about sex.
221
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,400
Which was not that good.
222
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:19,300
But I was the problem.
I'd just lie there.
223
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,400
Ted is, uh, very good.
224
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:24,400
I'm sure he will get you
where you need to go.
225
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:28,500
Can I buy your bags online?
226
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:31,700
Oh, oh, I see what's
going on here, Ted.
227
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:33,700
I'm just some random girl
to make Robin jealous,
228
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:34,800
and after she takes you back,
229
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,400
you probably won't
even remember my name.
230
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:39,000
Come on, Blahblah,
it's not like that.
231
00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:41,800
Well, we're closing in
on the half.
232
00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:44,000
Let's see how Blahblah is doing
on the Crazy/Hot scale.
233
00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:48,700
She started the night here,
but as the night's progressed,
234
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:51,200
she's gotten crazier
but no hotter,
235
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:54,600
which has caused her to drift
across the Mendoza Diagonal
236
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:58,200
and dangerously close
to the Shelly Gilespie Zone.
237
00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,700
Another girl I dated...
238
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,100
she gained 20 pounds and tried
to kill me with a brick.
239
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:04,600
I'm sorry I didn't tell you,
240
00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:06,800
but seriously, there's nothing
going on with me and Robin.
241
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,300
Then why has she been trying
to undermine me all night?
242
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,900
I mean, look at her.
She's laughing at me right now.
243
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,500
I'm sorry, it's just...
244
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,200
you know, Lily and Marshall's story
is so romantic.
245
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,600
I just wish we had
something like that.
246
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,000
Well, their story's not
as magical as it seems.
247
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:26,400
What do you mean?
248
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,600
No, I, I can't, it's,
it's kind of a secret.
249
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,000
Well how about I tell you a little secret
250
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,500
about what you
might get to do later tonight?
251
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:43,500
The night before Lily met Marshall
there was this party.
252
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:51,600
You a freshwoman?
253
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,100
I never use the word "freshman."
Sexist.
254
00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:57,700
Yeah, I'm a first year.
I'm in Hewitt 220.
255
00:11:58,100 --> 00:12:01,300
No way. Hewitt 110.
You should totally come by.
256
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,000
Maybe I will, Hewitt 110.
257
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:09,600
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
258
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:15,800
Look at these drunk idiots.
259
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:17,800
Hey, don't drink
their two dollar beer.
260
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:19,500
This is a pinot noir.
261
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:21,000
From Europe.
262
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,400
- Oh, it's fruity.
- Yeah,
263
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:29,800
I cut it with some cranberry juice.
It was pretty strong.
264
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:34,600
So, uh...
do you have a girlfriend?
265
00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:35,700
Yeah.
266
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,600
Not sure about the whole
"long distance" thing, though.
267
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:39,900
It's like Descartes says.
268
00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:43,300
"In order to determine whether there is
anything we can know with certainty,
269
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:46,000
we first have to doubt
everything we know."
270
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,000
You know?
271
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,800
But as drunk as she was, when
she woke up the next morning,
272
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,500
she still remembered room 110.
That's why she knocked on the door.
273
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,600
- She was looking for me.
- Oh, my God.
274
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,100
Yeah, and in all these years, Lily and
I have never even spoken about it,
275
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:08,500
so again, mum's
the word, okay?
276
00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:10,300
You have to tell Marshall.
277
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,900
No, if, if he heard that,
it would destroy him.
278
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,200
If you don't tell him...
...I will.
279
00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:20,400
Oh, come on, you wouldn't.
280
00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:29,700
So, Lily,
how did you and Ted meet?
281
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,100
Come on, Lily, the real story.
282
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:34,000
I don't think anyone wants
to hear that story.
283
00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:37,100
Aw, don't be embarrassed, Ted,
it was a long time ago.
284
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:40,400
And I made a huge mistake
last night,
285
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:41,800
but it's like
Descartes says.
286
00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:45,100
"In order to determine whether there is
anything we can know with certainty,
287
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:47,200
we first have to doubt
everything we know."
288
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,800
And I now know for certain
that I love you, Karen.
289
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:54,400
Anyway, call me back
when you get this.
290
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:59,000
I'm also going down to the computer
center to send you an electronic mail.
291
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:07,100
- This is Lily.
- No, no, I'm sorry, but I love Karen.
292
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,800
Yes, that is the unabridged
story of how Lily and I met.
293
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,700
How embarrassing.
Who wants another round?
294
00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:16,400
- That's not the story. Ted, tell 'em.
- Tell us what?
295
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:18,400
Um, Lily, will you help us get
the next round?
296
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,800
- Ted, what's going on?
- She knows about us,
297
00:14:22,900 --> 00:14:26,200
- about how we really met.
- Yeah, I know, I just told her.
298
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:28,900
No, the real story.
299
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,700
Ted, what are you
talking about?
300
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,300
Lily... come on.
301
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,000
Come on, what?
302
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,800
Lily... come on.
303
00:14:38,500 --> 00:14:40,900
Ted, I honestly don't know
what you're talking about.
304
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,800
Lily... come on.
305
00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:48,300
I know that you and Ted made out
the night before you met Marshall.
306
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:49,900
What?
307
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,800
- Ted and I never made out.
- Yeah... we did.
308
00:14:52,900 --> 00:14:56,700
I only made out with one other guy
in college before I met Marshall,
309
00:14:56,800 --> 00:15:00,700
and it was just some random dude.
I, I don't even remember his name.
310
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,600
I just call him
Too Much Tongue Guy.
311
00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:04,700
What? Too Much Tongue Guy?
312
00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:05,900
Well, I'm not surprised to hear that
coming from
313
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,100
Unreasonably Small Mouth
Opening Girl.
314
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:09,700
That wasn't me.
315
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,200
Yes, it was, at the
freshman orientation party.
316
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:15,500
No, no, no, no, no.
317
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:19,500
No, no.
No, no, no, no, nooo!
318
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,000
How much fun is this?
319
00:15:22,100 --> 00:15:24,700
All of us reminiscing
about how we met me?
320
00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:27,200
Robin, have I told you
how I met Marshall?
321
00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:30,000
- Uh, yeah, like five or six ti--
- It was right over there.
322
00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:33,500
Here's your problem.
You've only slept with one woman.
323
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,900
Those kind of stats
are only okay if you're 11,
324
00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:39,200
but tonight
we're getting you a new girl
325
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:42,100
because, Marshall Eriksen,
from this moment on,
326
00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:44,900
I make all your decisions for you.
327
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,000
I'm sorry, who,
who are you again?
328
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:51,100
This is Barney, I met
him the other day.
329
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:52,200
He's kind of a jackass.
330
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:53,900
I'm teaching Ted how to live,
331
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,600
and, lucky you, I have room
for one more student.
332
00:15:56,700 --> 00:15:58,500
Think of me as Yoda,
333
00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:02,200
only instead of being little and green,
I wear suits and I'm awesome.
334
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,100
I'm your bro.
I'm Bro-da.
335
00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:08,000
And tonight,
you're going to use The Force
336
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:10,800
to get the hottest chick
in this bar into bed.
337
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,600
He's going to use force?
338
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,500
'Cause that sounds
wrong, Bro-da.
339
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:18,400
No, The Force.
It's a Star Wars reference.
340
00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:20,400
So we should make lots of
Star Wars references around girls.
341
00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:21,800
That's what you're saying?
342
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:23,800
I'm not going to cheat
on my girlfriend.
343
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:27,400
Yes, you are, with the hottie
that just walked in.
344
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:28,900
Look at her.
345
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,000
How much hotter
is she than your girlfriend?
346
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:35,300
There's no comparison.
347
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,400
What do you think, Ted?
Should I go for it?
348
00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:40,100
Don't do it, man.
I mean, think about Lily.
349
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,100
You know what?
I don't care.
350
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:45,500
I've been with one woman for too long.
I need me some strange.
351
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,000
Yes! Yes!
Pep talk.
352
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:52,200
You can do this,
but to be more accurate,
353
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:53,800
you probably can't.
354
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,800
You're way out of practice and
she is way too hot for you,
355
00:16:56,900 --> 00:16:59,800
so remember, tonight
isn't about scoring.
356
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,600
It's about believing
that you can do it
357
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,900
even though
you probably can't.
358
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,200
Go get 'em, tiger.
359
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,500
Poor guy's going
to crash and burn.
360
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,500
That man is a god.
361
00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:28,300
For like a week after,
Barney followed me around
362
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:30,100
asking me
to teach him how to live.
363
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,300
I even got him
to do my laundry once.
364
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,500
I thought it was a Mr.
Miyagi kind of thing.
365
00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:38,700
Marshall, I need to talk to you.
Can we go somewhere in private?
366
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,400
Yeah, of course.
What's wrong?
367
00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:41,800
Lily and Ted made out.
368
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,700
What do you think of that,
Robin?
369
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:45,800
What are you talking about?
370
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:49,700
You know that guy I made out with
at the freshman orientation party?
371
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,400
Too Much Tongue Guy, yeah.
372
00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:54,400
And you know that girl I made out with
at the freshman orientation party?
373
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:57,100
Unreasonably Small
Mouth Opening Girl, yeah.
374
00:17:57,700 --> 00:17:58,600
I'm Too Much Tongue Guy.
375
00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:01,300
And I'm Unreasonably
Small Mouth Opening Girl.
376
00:18:01,700 --> 00:18:03,700
Worst superheroes ever.
377
00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:06,600
Oh, baby, I am so sorry.
378
00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:08,100
I don't think
you need to be.
379
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:10,600
I was at that party.
It was dark and, granted,
380
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:13,000
I had eaten quite a few
sandwiches, but,
381
00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:16,300
I'm 100% sure that Unreasonably
Small Mouth Opening Girl
382
00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:18,300
was Alexa Leskeys, not Lily.
383
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:19,600
- Really?
- Yeah,
384
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:23,500
I'm positive, and Too Much Tongue
Guy was Colin O'Reilly.
385
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:24,900
Are you sure?
386
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,000
If it wasn't, I peed in the wrong
guy's shampoo, man.
387
00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:32,900
You don't really
believe that, do you?
388
00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:34,900
You swore it was Lily.
389
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:39,200
I guess I made a mistake.
390
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,300
Must have been Alexa.
391
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,300
Another girl, Ted?
392
00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:46,400
Who haven't you made out with?
393
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:48,300
You know what?
I don't need this.
394
00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:50,400
I design handbags,
I'm writing a memoir,
395
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,700
I'm a superstar,
this is totally my year.
396
00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:55,400
Someday the name Blahblah
will be up in lights.
397
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,500
And, Ted, next time you're online
playing World of Warcraft,
398
00:18:58,500 --> 00:19:01,000
don't even think
about chatting with me.
399
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,100
World of Warcraft?
400
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:09,400
The online
role-playing game?
401
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,600
That's how you two
"met online"?
402
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:17,100
"We shoul grab some
coffee sometime..."
403
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,200
"Yes, we should."
404
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,900
"What's your name?"
405
00:19:22,300 --> 00:19:24,400
"Ted. What's yours?"
406
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,500
Yeah, it's a really...
it's a cool game.
407
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:28,700
So suffice it to say,
408
00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:31,200
Blahblah did not turn out
to be your mother,
409
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,400
and as for the girl
I made out with at the party,
410
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:36,800
there wasn't a doubt in my mind
that was your Aunt Lily.
411
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,200
But, you know, that magical story
of how she and Uncle Marshall met,
412
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:43,100
it was worth preserving,
so I kept my mouth shut.
413
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,100
I guess I made a mistake.
414
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:46,900
Must have been Alexa.
415
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,200
Until...
416
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,400
our 20th college reunion
when I ran into...
417
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,400
Alexa Leskeys.
418
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:57,200
So, Ted, remember
the last time we were here?
419
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,000
You and me?
No idea.
420
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,400
Ted... come on.
421
00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:06,100
Freshman year,
we were both pretty drunk?
422
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,500
That was you?
423
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,800
Lily, we never made out.
424
00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:19,700
I know.
425
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,900
So I am not Too
Much Tongue Guy.
426
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:25,800
- Actually...
- No.
427
00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:33,900
Look what I've confiscated
from some kids.
428
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:38,400
- That is a fat sandwich.
- I know, right?
429
00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:50,000
Chew, chew, chew,
chew, swallow.
430
00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:55,400
Oh, that's all right,
honey.
431
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,600
Sandwiches are strong
these days.
432
00:20:57,700 --> 00:21:00,800
I can't believe I used to be able to eat
a whole sandwich by myself.
433
00:21:00,900 --> 00:21:03,300
Now it's like two
bites and I am done.
434
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,500
Baby, can we grow sandwiches
behind the garage?
435
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,300
Dude, we're 42.
436
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:13,900
W-W-Where's my wife?
33701
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
