All language subtitles for Good Staff Are Hard To Find

Ah... The more observant among you

may note that l am wearing
a clean new apron.

l have trimmed my moustache
and manicured my nails.

And if you were standing next to me,
you would know also

that l am wearing a very
powerful aftershave lotion.

My wife finds it irresistible.

So l seldom wear it.

But this is a special occasion.

Since my waitress
has been lost in the post

l now have to find a new girl
to work under me in the bar.

And there have been many applications.

- Ren�?
- Yes?

Zis new girl that you will be taking on -

promise me you won't
fall in love with 'er?

Oh, Yvette, what a suggestion!

Have you ever known me
to deceive anyone?

Look out, my wife is coming.

Ren�, are the girls here yet?

Er... M Leclerc
has assembled them outside.

Good. Show them in,
l will interview them.

Edith, there is no need
for you to bother yourself with this.

l know the type of girl
l want to work in our caf�.

So do l.
And it is not our caf�, it is my caf�.

lt will only be our caf�
when you marry me again.

Yes, Edith.

Psst! The girls, they are getting restless.

- Oh, er...
- Show in the first applicant.

Mme Sablon.

- Very suitable.
- l agree, when can she start?

But...but Edith,

she has to get down on her knees
to clean the floors,

climb the stairs
to entertain the Germans...

l can get down on my knees
and l am able to entertain the Germans.

She is perfect!

Well, yes, but...
We must see the others, Edith.

Er, we will let you know, Mme Sablon.

Er... Mlle Ang�lique Vitesse,

38-28...38! (Chuckles)

Next, please.

Colonel,
General von Klinkerhoffen is here.

- General von Klinkerhoffen?
- General von Klinkerhoffen!

(Yells) General von Klinkerhoffen!

- Heil Hitler.
- Heil Hitler!

Sit.

- Go avay.
- Yes, General.

The invasion of England is in preparation
and vill take place before the winter.

My chateau is to be
the operational centre.

All planning will be carried out there.

Your area is consequently
of vital importance.

- Security must be vatertight.
- l understand, Herr General.

Where is your assistant?

He volunteered for the Russian Front.

Good.

l intended to send him there anyway.

- You will have a new assistant.
- l'm delighted.

Mussolini has persuaded Herr Hitler

that a small token force
should join us in the invasion.

We are, therefore,
to have a liaison officer.

lt's not agreeable to me
but we must obey orders.

ln order to keep him out of my hair
l have placed him under your command.

Bring in Captain Bertorelli.

(Yells) Bring in Captain Bertorelli!

Captain Bertorelli.

Mamma mia!

A beautiful laydee!

l kiss-a your hand.

- Captain!
- Captain Bertorelli,

officers in the German army
do not kiss the lady privates.

What a mistake-a to make-a.

Generalo, please forgive me.

l am ltalian, when l see
the beautiful laydee

my heart go boom-diddy-boom...

diddy-boom.

This is your commanding officer,
Colonel von Strohm.

Colonelo, you have a kind-a face.

To you l give a salute.

Mmmwah!

lt's a beautiful place you 'ave here,
l think l be very happy.

- This-a my desk?
- No! This-a my desk!

l forget. General...

l have-a for you
the special gift from Mussolini.

lt's the ltalian war hero medal.

Oh, the ltalian war hero medal.

- l've never seen this before.
- l think they're very rare.

You too have many medals.

Me? l am a hero.

These here, for service in Abyssinia.

These, for service in North Africa.

And the bottom row?

They are for servicing Fiats.

(Clears throat)
Er... Mlle Valerie Vendome.

36-22-36.

Miss Vendome, what is your experience?

Until recently l worked in a circus.

l can ride a one-wheeled bicycle.

Very 'andy for errands, Edith.

l can do also the acrobatic.

lt would be good
for dusting under the bed, Edith.

Oh, the best yet.

l also 'ave a beautiful singing voice
and l do cabaret.

So do l.

Next, please.

Michelle of the Resistance.

You fool!
You want the 'ole world to know?

What are you doing here?

Listen very carefully.
l will say this only once.

Your new radio has arrived.

But the Germans know our wavelength.

We have changed the wavelength.

lt will be delivered by
a man dressed as a mountaineer.

But the nearest mountain
is an 'undred miles away.

He is lost.

He will come in here
asking for directions.

- Look...
- No more questions.

Your new serving girl
is to be from the Resistance.

She is outside.
She was a Paris gang leader.

(Groans)

Mimi, l want you to meet
the bravest man in all France,

- Ren� Artois.
- My name is Mimi La Bonque.

This is my wife Edith.

Mlle La Bonque.

This is Yvette, the other servant.

Ren� is very important to the Resistance,
guard 'im with your life.

This is my bodyguard?!

l will be the laughing stock
of the whole town.

- Show 'im.
- (Yells)

Good! She is hired!

Thank you, monsieur.

(Gasps) Oh, 'eck,
it is Herr Flick from the Gestapo.

Oh, God. Put that away!

Edith, he will want his table
in the back room.

- The airmen are in there.
- Get rid of them!

Ah, Herr Flick.
Welcome to my 'umble caf�.

Er, let me take from you
your sinister leather coat.

- Hello!
- Hello!

We need this room, you must not
be discovered. You must leave!

Er, l will just make sure
that the room is emp...

er, prepared for you.

- All is clear.
- Come in please, Herr Flick.

Sit down, make yourself at home.

Mimi, a menu and wine for Herr Flick

and his bit of st...er, er...

His lady friend.

l 'ave already prepared
a bottle for the Gestapo.

Er, it is very stuffy in 'ere,
let me open a window for you.

Good moaning.

Good evening, Officer.

How comforting to know
that you are doing your duty.

- Do not waste your torch.
- lt is a dick night.

Very likely, yes.

l thought l saw two men
leaking by your dustbins.

Well, that is France for you.

- Hello!
- Hello!

Er...the police are patrolling the grounds.

Ah, Mimi. Wine for the Gestapo officer.

Here you are, sir.
You will never drink a better bottle.

- l vill do it.
- Of course, Herr Flick.

When you speak
in such a dominating fashion

- l go veak at the knees.
- This is normal.

Helga, l vish you to know
that this is a very special occasion.

l have decided to marry you.

l thought we were going
to vait until after the var?

These are dangerous times, Helga.

We must grab every moment
of happiness while we may.

But you have always managed
to grab it so far

without getting married.

Mimi, you must not oversell
our wine, it is only plonk.

Why tell Herr Flick
that he would never open a better bottle?

lt was the truth. l removed the cork
and put in a deadly poison.

ln four minutes he will be...no more.

Mimi, not in my caf�!

Helga, may we be blessed

with many little members
of the master race.

(Ren� whimpering)

(Bottle smashing)

lt was not a good year.

Ah, good evening, Lieutenant Gruber.
Table by the window?

No, l would prefer just to have
a little snifter by the bar.

- (Yvette) Of course.
- Take this into him

and remember the house rule -
do not kill people on the premises.

- Good evening, Ren�.
- Good evening, Lieutenant.

- He's the one that fancies me.
- Who is to blame 'im?

You 'ave a quality that is irresistible.

You too?

From the moment l saw you
my lips 'ungered for your lips.

Well, er...practise on this,
l am rather busy right now.

That's a very exciting perfume
you're wearing.

Yes, yes. lt is my aftershave.

lt is cologne...for men.

No doubt that is why l am attracted to it.

- Ren�...
- Yes?

l vish to speak to you confidentially.

Can you bend over a little?

Oh! Yes, yes, of course.

Could you obtain for me,
perhaps from your vife Edith,

some dark red lipstick?

You're going somewhere special?

Ren�...do not get
the wrong idea about me,

l do not wear lipstick.

Even when l'm going somewhere special.

- l'm sorry.
- l need it

to complete the forgery of
the Fallen Madonna With The Big...

The Big... Exactly.

- How are you getting on?
- Making progress but it's quite a task.

One for Hitler, one for the Colonel,
one for the General, it's a lot of work.

- And a lot of...
- Exactly.

You shall have the lipstick, Lieutenant.

- Good evening, Colonel.
- Good evening.

- Ren�, l want to speak to you.
- Yes, Colonel.

l'm meeting my new assistant here.

- He will be most welcome, Colonel.
- Psst.

He knows nothing about
the British airmen

or the painting or the cuckoo clock.

l had forgotten about the cuckoo clock.

Nor does he know about
my little visit upstairs with the girls.

With the flying 'elmet and the wet celery?

Never mention the flying helmet
and the wet celery.

- Rely on us, Colonel.
- His name is Bertorelli.

What, von Bertorelli?

Captain Alberto Bertorelli. He's an Eyetie.

An ltalian unit will come
with us when we invade England.

l suppose somebody has to take over
the ice cream business.

- When is the invasion?
- l shouldn't have told you!

- Forget it, forget it.
- Yes, forget it, Yvette.

Never mention the invasion or the fact
that the Colonel told you about it.

Oh, by the way, we are running
rather short of butter, sugar...

(Both) And paraffin and cigarettes.

No problem.

Colonelo! You are my friend
and l keep-a you waiting.

But you forgive-a me, no?

Mmmwah!

- This is Captain Bertorelli.
- Yes, l guessed.

- Good evening and welcome.
- Oh, patron! Mmmwah!

l am just a simple peasant,

trying to scratch a living
with my mother-in-law and my wife.

l embrace-a your wife!

- Mmmwah!
- Oh!

l embrace your mother-in-law!

l am 'is wife.

What a mistake-a to make-a.

Mamma mia, who is this 'andsome
officer who look like-a de film star?

- This is Captain Bertorelli.
- l heard about you from the General.

This is Lieutenant Gruber.

l, er...l heard about-a you
from the General.

How are you goin' on, eh?

Yvette! Edith!

Ahhh.

Does nobody hear the cry

of a bedridden woman! (Yells)

Stop shouting, Mama.
The whole caf� can 'ear you.

What is the matter?

Since there is no radio under the bed,

nobody comes up to my room.

Why do you not read from your book?

Oh, my 'ands.

They shake too much.

l am not surprised.

Lady Chatterley's Lover?

You should not be reading
such a book at your age.

At my age what else can l do?

Colonel?

ln my room is a painting
on which l would like your advice.

A painting? Why would l want
to see a painting?

lt is of a flying 'elmet
and some wet celery.

l will go at once!

Do you also have one of an egg whisk?

Oh, l am sure l can find one.

(Groaning)

Oh, my God.

Good evening.

Can anybody 'elp a poor,
weary old mountaineer

who has lost his way?

Eh, come over 'ere, old mountaineer,
and tell me your problem.

- Ah, kind, most kind...
- Yes.

- l was lucky to see your light.
- Yes, indeed.

l have tramped for hours
and hours and tramped...

Shut up!

What is it?

lt is l, Leclerc.

That is abundantly clear
to all but the totally blind.

ln the pack on my back
is your new radio.

lt is already connected to the batteries.

Here is the aerial.

(Radio)
Somebody stole my gal

Somebody...

(Static, raspberry)

Edith, get this old idiot upstairs
before he gets us all shot.

He cannot go to the room of my mother,
she is doing private things.

- You, take him to the room of Yvette.
- She is doing officer things.

Oh, 'eck. Come and sit down,
weary old lost mountaineer.

Er...we will bring you
a refreshing bowl of soup

before you go to your room.

Er, Mimi - soup.

Good evening.

Er, at what theatre are you performing?

Have some wine,
garrulous old mountaineer.

And do not talk
to the conquering heroes.

Remember,
you are just a silly old peasant, eh?

(Radio static, raspberry)

Pardon.

(Raspberry)

- Try to ignore 'im.
- ls-a not easy.

That-a coat-a you wear is-a...
is-a very fine.

This is what we mountaineers call...
lt is a windcheater.

(Static, raspberry)

Whatever you do...

don't-a take it off.

(Radio, high-pitched) Any old iron

You look neat
Talk about a treat

You look dapper
From your napper to your feet

Dressed in style with a brand-new tile

And your father's old green tie on

l wouldn't give you tuppence
for your old watch chain

Old iron, old iron...

l have been thinking about
the arrangements for our vedding.

Herr Flick, are you quite sure,
deep in your heart -

wherever it is -
you are ready for marriage?

- What are you saying?
- You are so young, so attractive.

Women are always
throwing themselves at you.

- This is true.
- l vill be consumed with jealousy.

l will be breaking the plates
when l do the vashing-up.

lf you did you would be punished.

Ve vill be married
in a high-security Gestapo chapel.

Ve vill leave the ceremony
through an arch of rubber truncheons

held by my Gestapo colleagues
in jackboots.

Ve vill leave
in a black Gestapo limousine

showered with propaganda pamphlets.

Ve vill honeymoon in a Bavarian forest.

Every morning
ve vill leave our camouflaged tent,

strip naked...and dive into the icy vaters
of a limpid, dark lake.

Could l have time to think about it?

Ah, Colonel. You like-a de painting, eh?

lt was most enjoyable.

You got-a the lipstick on your face.

And behind-a your ear there
is a piece of wet cel-airy.

You not just look at de painting, eh?

Do not poke your vop nose
into my business.

Colonelo, my friend.
We are both men of the world.

You fix-a so Yvette
show me the painting, eh?

Certainly not.

l will show you some paintings, Capitan.
Follow me.

ls-a my lucky night, eh?

- And where are you going?
- She show-a me the painting.

You will never see better paintings
as long as you live.

- Good evening.
- Heil Hitler.

Michelle, what are you playing at?

The town is full of Germans.
Like this l can move around freely.

London will contact you
in ten minutes on a new wavelength.

With a caf� full of customers,
that is all l need.

- How is the new girl?
- She is a fanatic!

She tried to kill Herr Flick in the back.

She has a ruthless hatred of the enemy.

Yvette, two soups for table three
and chicken for the back.

- l would like a small port.
- Port for Lieutenant Gruber.

- l 'ave only one pair of 'ands.
- Get Mimi to 'elp you.

She's upstairs with the Captain.

She's a fast worker, that one.

She's a show-off.

She told him he would never see
better paintings as long as he lived.

Oh, my God!

Signorine!

- (Gibbering)
- l think he's trying to speak.

Whatever you do,
don't-a you make a pass at de girls.

Don't worry, he won't.