Original subtitles

Hello, Mrs Simmons... Mary. Hello, Mr Haskel.

Here's your shirt, Jimmy. I turned the cuffs. Thanks.

Little enough for letting Mary practise here. Oh, it's all right.

How is she doing? Encourage her. If she practises, she'll be good.

I'll be back in an hour. OK. I'll take good care of her.

Hop to it, Mary.

Mary, give me an "A", please.

That's it. OK, thanks.

When are you going to get new records? You haven't worn out those.

Won't be long now.

Hi, Tommy. Tomatoes for my last lesson. Tomorrow, I'll bring bacon.

OK, here's your horn. I think you left your music over there.

Uncle Charlie, glad to see you! Jimmy, I'm glad to see you, too.

What brings you here? I came because you didn't answer my letter.

I wanted time to think it over. Come in, Uncle Charlie.

I...I wrote you...

I wrote you three months ago!

Was it that long? You know how it is, a fella gets busy.

With these things, you have to change the oil every thousand miles.

Jimmy! Jimmy!

I came up to have an important talk with you. Go ahead. I'm listening.

Can't we go some place without this infernal racket?!

Yeah. We'll go in my room.

Where? Right over there.

Here we are.

That chair needs fixing. It's a trade for a second-hand clarinet.

Jimmy, I'm not going to beat around the bush.

As you know, we've not been close.

After all, we are the last of the Haskels. Is that very serious?

I want to keep the name of Haskel in the health-food business.

I understand. I want to keep our name in the music business.

I'm talking about BIG business. Can't you understand?

I need you, Jimmy. Some day, you're going to get everything I've got.

But you won't get it if you fritter your life away in this town.

This whistle stop.

I like it here. My dad was happy here.

I could never understand my brother.

I told him when he opened this place he'd never make a go of it.

It failed successfully for 25 years. That's not bad.

If he'd listened to me, he'd have been a rich man. But, no.

What did he have when he died? The biggest funeral this town ever saw.

Everybody was there. Everybody owed him money. Maybe so.

Dad had a wonderful time living. He liked hunting, fishing, music.

Music! He talked a great deal about you.

He did? Always seemed to feel sorry for you.

Sorry?! You didn't get anything out of life. Just making money.

Is that so? Since when has making money been a crime?

I'm not going to argue with you. And I'm not going to get upset. No, sir!

Jimmy! Jimmy!

Uncle, I'm sorry.

Don't hit him. He's an old man. It was the chair.

Are you hurt? Don't mind me.

Hello, Bud. Can I talk to you? Yeah, outside here.

Excuse me a minute, Uncle Charlie.

Afraid I've got some bad news. What's the trouble, Bud?

I'm to take up this attachment unless you've got money.

Take it up. Unless you think eggs are gonna go up to 500 a dozen.

See what you can do. I'll hold this off as long as I can. Thanks, Bud.

He was just telling me about some people

that wanted musical instruments.

He's the sheriff. How do you know? I knew his father.

He was serving a paper on your father the first time I was here.

Well, you can stay here chasing rainbows

or I can show you a real pot of gold.

I...I... Wait. That's a good idea for my radio show tomorrow night.

You've heard my Happiness Hour of course. Everybody's heard it.

Once. Listen to this.

Clouds that make the day so grey must sooner or later pass away.

There's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Homespun philosophy.

Oh, boy.

I've got to be going. What are you going to do?

Unless a miracle happens in the next few days,

looks like I'll slide right down that rainbow. Fine.

And land right in the pot.

What was I saying? And furthermore...

And furthermore, I see no reason...

What was I saying? And furthermore...

I see no reason to change the air guns we use to puff rice and cereals.

Our air guns are exceptionally quiet.

I therefore would suggest...

There goes that band again.

Oh, I'll settle this.

How can a man transact business with that going on?

Tom-toms, jungle screeches. They're a menace to sanity.

What did I say? Tom-toms and jungle screeches. No, that's what I mean.

The McCorkles took that band in to annoy me.

That's why they've ignored my protests.

It's a new band. Who wants a new band? Let them do it in a cave.

Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom! Walawalawala!

I'll settle this once and for all.

Hey! Hey!

You! Hey!

Hey, you! Somebody, hey!

< Hey! Hey! What's the matter?

Stop that blasted bedlam or I'll have it stopped!

Oh, you will, eh? You and who else?

The police! I'll have them thrown in jail for disturbing the peace.

Disturbing the peace?

What about that air gun booming all day and night?

I suppose that's a baby's lullaby, you white-headed old baboon.

That boom is this business. Besides, we're all used to it.

The band is business. You can get used to it. I'll get an injunction.

Oh, you will, eh? Listen, you black-hearted old skinflint.

You want me to sell my house so you can enlarge your factory.

I'm not selling. Not at your price.

Call the cops if you think you can have this band thrown out.

You just wait! You'll find out!

Go ahead, boys. Go to it, but loud.

Jasper. Go and get Jasper.

Jasper! Jasper!

Find him. Don't stand there like a dummy.

Do I have to do everything? Jasper!

Do you want me, CJ? Why aren't you here when I need you?

Get the police. The police? The militia if necessary.

That woman has insulted me for the last time. You said that before.

This time I mean it. That band is driving me insane.

It certainly is. Have them arrested.

I will. Good.

# Hi, Si, what's a-cooking? Hi, Si, how's she looking?

# Life will be as sweet as can be

# If I find a cookie that's looking for me

# Hi, Si, di-di-dida, di-di da-da da da da-da

# All day long I wash and dry To keep my cookie away from Shanghai

# Shine for you? Ten cents implies a revenue

# Your dogs will get a real shampoo The real Magoo

< Fresh fish!

# Dum-dee dum-doo diddly-dum

# The fortune teller told me I was gonna clean up. #

The apples good? I supply the Ritz. They'll do for the McCorkles.

I'll take half a dozen.

Here, Willy. What am I? A packhorse?

Anything else, Miss Molly? That'll be all. Thank you.

Here, stupid. Well, take it.

Thank you.

Come on. Too bad you can't carry a few bundles without complaining.

I don't mind carrying them.

Well, who are you? I'm the guy carrying the bundle.

Thanks. I thought my brother Willy was behind me.

He went ahead of you. I'm terribly sorry. You must have been surprised.

Life in the city is one surprise after another. For instance?

Band music coming down out of the sky. That's up on our roof.

On your roof? The band is on the house, until we get a job.

Are you with the band? My sister Donna and I sing. Mother feeds it.

It certainly is a swell band. Not everyone agrees with that.

You mean the neighbours object? No. The neighbours are...

Uh-oh. Here comes trouble.

As you can see, Miss McCorkle, I'm here with the law.

For protection? No. This is your last warning.

That music must cease! < I'm coming, Molly.

What does this weasel want? As if I didn't know. No violence.

Speak to her, officer. Hello, Mom.

You're in bad company. I'm here to give you an ultimatum.

That band are disturbing the entire neighbourhood.

The entire neighbourhood? Does it disturb you, Mrs Papadalis?

No. It keeps me young. Disturbing the peace. And you, Mrs Sweeney?

My old man can't fight when he hears music.

They will, will they? The hoodlums, the ruffians.

Go back to your kennel and tell old man Haskel what you've heard.

What's going on? You've heard of the Hatfield and McCoy feud?

This is between the McCorkles and the Haskels. Who? Come on.

What are you doing? Looking for a nice soft one.

Oh, quit kicking me!

Look out. Now, just a minute. Just a minute. You might miss him.

Down.

You hoodlums! You'll pay for this!

Now.

Stand aside...

I hit the wrong man. No, you hit the right man.

Run! No, wait. Come on.

They got me. It's blood! I've been shot. I've been stabbed.

You're all right, CJ. I'm not all right. Call an ambulance.

It isn't blood, CJ. It isn't blood?

What is it? Tomato juice.

All's clear. Come on in.

Boy, you sure do know your back yards and fences.

I'd have been faster without you. I didn't want you to carry my case.

Have a doughnut, hero. It's the best I can offer.

Hero? Me? You certainly are.

They may put up a statue of you, like the discus fellow.

It was an accident - hitting my... that man. It was a stroke of genius.

Everybody hates Haskel. Why?

I could give you a reason for every dollar he's got in the bank.

He's trying to drive us out because he hates music. What a stinker.

The name of Haskel is poison around here.

It is?

Well...

I guess I'd better be going.

What's your hurry?

I have to find a place to live. I was going to live with a relative.

If you'd like a place where there's never a dull moment...

What's going on? What do you want?

He needs a place to live. Are you in a band or are you paying?

This is the fellow that hit Haskel with a tomato.

Oh, glory be.

You darling! Why didn't you tell me?

So, you're the fella.

Don't look any further. You're living with us. Give me the bag.

That's nice, but... No buts. The best room is none too good for you.

Whether you can pay for it or not. Give me the bag. ..Willy!

We've been looking for you. I've finished that arrangement.

Take this bag up to the big room.

Does anybody else carry anything? Stop grumbling.

Let me see it, Horace.

These changes are swell. Slide over, Frankie.

All right, boys, let's go.

# Say, when he starts to play

# The kids begin to trail him And they all say

# Hooray for Pete the Piper

# And when he plays a song

# The kids never fail him They sing a song

# Along with Pete the Piper

# People gather round when they hear the sound

# The Campbells are coming, Hooray, hooray

# When their lively feet catch the piper's beat

# They start to sway

# And then it isn't long Till all the folks are dancing

# Their hearts are gay When he plays them a song

# When he's done all that They pass the hat

# For fascinating Pete the Piper Man

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to butt in.

Get 'em, boys.

I didn't mean to bust things up. Quiet, please.

Can you read music? Sure. Play it like this. Me? Stand over there.

OK, Frankie, pick it up.

# People gather round when they hear the sound

# The Campbells are coming

Hooray!

# It won't be long Till all the folks are dancing

# Their hearts are gay When he plays them a song

# When he's done all that They pass the hat

# For fascinating Pete the Piper Man

# Fascinating Pete the Piper Man. #

Boys, look who's here. Grady.

Grady!

Oh, Molly!

Grady's been pounding the beat out by the dumps.

A little argument with old man Haskel.

You should have been here. You'd have been even for life.

What happened? Oh, boy. Plenty.

< What they call poetic justice.

It must've been good. It was perfect.

Well, come on. Come on. Out with it.

Old man Haskel came steaming over here, and he got hit with a tomato.

< Right in the kisser.

It was a soft one, naturally.

The hit-and-run kind.

Nobody knows who did it, I hope.

Nobody but me. But I'm big-hearted. Boys, meet the sharpshooter.

Molly McCorkle, will you never learn to keep your big mouth shut?

What did I say? Too much.

Open up, boys. Open up.

Open up. Open up.

My boy, you should have a medal. Instead, I have to give you this.

Thanks very much. What is it?

A warrant for assault and battery. Old man Haskel swore it out.

Come on, son.

Wait. Wait a minute.

Wouldn't you like to give me a good kick before you go?

It's OK. It's been fun here. I enjoyed jumping over those fences.

If I get this thing straightened out...I hope you let me come back.

And thanks for that doughnut. It was... It was all right.

Er...well, come on, Grady.

Yeah, yeah.

Next case.

Hold everything. We'll be right there.

Molly, where are you? Come on!

Order! Order in the court room!

Mrs McCorkle, sit down.

Listen, Mike.

Don't get on your high horse with me. Sit down!

Now, what's this case all about?

Young man, what's your name?

My name? I'd prefer your real name.

Er...well, my name is...

James Hamilton...

James Hamilton. Put that down.

Where do you live, James Hamilton? He lives with us.

419, 63rd Street.

Tell me, James, how did you get enmeshed in the coils of the law?

I threw a tomato.

He's too modest, Mike. Hit him with a bull's-eye

right in old man Haskel's face. He did?

Where were we? I'd just thrown the tomato, Your Honour.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Now tell me, Jimmy, my boy,

did you with premeditation

and intent aim at Mr Haskel's face? Well...

He refuses to answer on the grounds

that he might incriminate himself.

You certainly know the law.

Having weighed the evidence, the court rules

that the case be postponed

and the defendant released on bail.

Provided anybody has any money.

Is 200 enough?

That was the exact sum the court had in mind. Who has it?

I have it, Your Honour. The clerk will accept it.

Next case. Thank you, Mike. Stand aside, please. >

Move over Who are you pushing?

Take it easy, will you? Don't push me!

Here comes double pneumonia. Open the windows. I smell stale tomatoes.

Very funny, Mrs McCorkle. Very funny.

I wish it'd been you who threw that tomato. I'd have put a rock in it.

You would, would you? Well...

Proceed with the case, judge.

I'm here. Where's the man that assaulted me?

I'll conduct this case without any advice from you. That's telling him.

< Move along.

In you go.

All right, take it away, Eddie.

I bring a charge against the hoodlum.

Before I give evidence, he's allowed to walk out right under your nose.

First, he wasn't under my nose. Second, he was released on bail.

Third, you're in contempt of court. I sentence you to 25 days or 25.

That ain't enough, Mike. Quiet.

This is an outrage, a travesty of justice. 50 dollars or 50 days.

What? Make up your mind. It's worth 50 to tell you what I think.

Is it worth 100? All right. But you wait until the next election.

You wait until... I'm waiting.

Until... Your Honour, it appears that I haven't any money with me.

Take him away, bailiff.

You can't do this to me! You can't do this to me!

# As he sang

# In the evening

# By the moonlight. #

< What about Johnny Toots His Horn?

We don't want that. We want something to pick us up.

Johnny Toots His Horn. What did you say? Johnny Toots His Horn.

Do you know it? Yeah. Let's see.

# You gotta get up, you gotta get up, You're in the army now

# Johnny blows the bugle Knows the call from A to Z

# But he's always at his best

When blowing reveille

# Mmm-mmmmmmm

# When Johnny toots his horn

# Disturbing the peace at break of the dawn. You gotta get up

# You're in the army now

# Before your eyes are open You're dressing on the run

# Standing at attention with the sergeant's hat and corporal's gun

# Oh, Johnny blows and blows He toot-toots you into your clothes

# Then makes you rue the day that you were born Day you were born

# There's nothing anyone can do

# The captain has to make it through

# You've gotta get up When Johnny toots his horn

TAPPING

# La la-la la la

# He toots you out of slumber He toots you out of bed

# He toots you into line, then he goes somewhere and hangs his head

# But still he blows and blows and blows,

blows and blows, blows and blows

# Blows and blows and blows, yeah, yeah

# He wakes you with his crazy tune Goes to bed and sleeps till noon

# You've gotta get up When Johnny toots his horn

# He stands behind the barricade And plays his morning serenade

# The private gets up The corporal gets up The sergeant gets up

# The captain gets up The major gets up The colonel gets up

# The general gets up The army gets up You gotta get up

# When Johnny toots his horn

# When Johnny toots his horn. #

Music? Even in jail I hear music.

You'll get used to it.

Let me down. Take your hands off of me. Stop this nonsense.

You're nothing but hoodlums!

Jimmy, my boy. Uncle Charlie, fancy meeting you here.

It's a miscarriage of justice. They can't do this.

Why are you here?

Just another country boy who got mixed up with evil companions.

What's wrong? Too many prisoners.

Someone sneaked in. What?

Defrauding the taxpayers, that's what it is.

Gangway. Line up there. Line up.

You, what's your name? Haskel.

OK. We've got a Haskel. Stand over there.

What's your name? Haskel. A wise guy, huh?

I suppose you're all Haskel. Yeah.

What's your initial? James H. I got no James H nothing.

So you're the stowaway. You ought to be locked up.

James, my wallet is in my office. Get it and pay my fine.

I'll be right back. So long, fellas.

So long, Jimmy.

Hey, can you sing?

No. I hate music. We've got to do something about this, boys.

Say "Ah"!

Ahhhhhh!

Hey! Jimmy, where have you been? Yeah, yeah.

Well... Me? I...

I'll have to... What's the matter?

We've been looking all over town for you. What for? What for? Come on.

Hey, here's Jim.

Molly, Jimmy's here. What did I say? I knew he'd come back.

Where have you been? I got locked up by mistake.

You had the boys worried. They thought you'd run out on them.

So what? They pawned their instruments for your bail.

Molly's idea. Oh, well, thanks.

Nice to know I'm worth 200 on the hoof.

First call for dinner!

You're back. You'll eat at the first table. Look after him, Molly.

Don't touch a thing. Get up, all of you. What's the matter, Ma?

We've got a new member to the clan. You sit here.

Willy, get up. Stop your grumbling.

Ssh!

# Hail McCorkle

# Hail McCorkle

# We proudly sing thy praise

# Mmm-mmmmm

# Hail McCorkle

# Hail McCorkle

# Where no-one ever pays

# Welcome to this university for the fraternity

# Rah! Rah!

# Welcome to our little college Hooray!

# And as we march along

# We'll sing our college so-o-o-ong

# A knife, a fork and a spoon

# Will beat out a happy tune

# You'll all feel chummy as you fill your tummy

# With a knife, a fork and a spoon

# Start tap, tap, tapping a dish

# You'll get your favourite wish

# Send troubles dashin' while you're corn beef hashin'

# With a knife, a fork and a spoon

# At Ma McCorkle's table That's where we play each night

# We eat all that we're able

# Though we may fuss, It's home to us

# So come on lift up your cup

# Let's drink it down, bottoms up

# Through stormy weather We'll all stick together

# With a knife, a fork and a spoon. #

# We're gathered round the table

# We're real friends through and through

# We're gathered round the table

# To eat Ma's Irish stew

# Ma's Irish stew

# Boarding house, dear boarding house

# From here we'll never roam

# Oh, boarding house, dear boarding house

# To us you're home sweet home. #

Say, that was all right.

You're now a member of the McCorkle clan.

Do I make a speech? If you do, you'll starve to death. Irish stew.

There you are. Tomatoes? Thank you.

Well, help yourself.

No tomatoes.

What's the matter? Nothing. Nothing.

Er, would you excuse me?

I don't feel very well. Too much excitement.

Maybe you're right. The jail and everything. I'll get some fresh air.

Willy, you'd better go with him. Sure. You don't...

Maybe I'd be better off if I went up to my room.

Willy, show him his room. I do everything except eat.

If you want anything, just holler.

Home sweet home. Thanks.

# When Johnny toots his horn

Disturbing the peace at break of the dawn

# You gotta get up Toot-tootly tootle...

No, no. It's outrageous.

You're getting better. I don't want to. I hate music!

You're so unreasonable. All right. All right. All right.

Try it again. Put in some gesture.

# When Johnny toots his horn

Disturbing the peace at break of the dawn

# You gotta get up Toot, tooty toot-toot

You're in the army now

# Before your eyes are open You're dressing on the run

# The corporal's got the sergeant at attention with his gun

# When Johnny blows and blows, he toot-toots you into your clothes. #

Jimmy!

Where have you been?

You'll be sorry for this.

Look what they've done to my voice.

How am I going to broadcast the Happiness Hour?

Couldn't you call it off? What?!

Say you lost your voice singing in a jail. Don't be ridiculous!

Ladies and gentlemen, due to circumstances beyond our control...

We bring you the Haskel Happiness Hour.

Makers of Haskel Pattycakes the health food supreme.

HE CROAKS: Ladies and gentlemen...

I can't do it. I'm croaking.

Jimmy, you do it. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Mr Haskel will be with you soon.

Ladies and gentlemen! Ssh! Ssh!

Tonight, I want to share a little poem with you.

We...all should be grateful and happy as kings,

The world is so full of such wonderful things,

The rain and the sun help the earth to grow wheat...

Hey, Willy. What do you want? Listen to this.

The sun on the oceans... Forget about him...

Just listen for a moment.

The pansies... The pansies and lilies, the primrose so fickle,

They're ours to enjoy without spending a nickel.

Good evening, sir. Evening, Parks.

Parks...is the guest room in order?

Certainly, sir.

This is my nephew, Mr James Haskel.

How do you do, sir? Same to you.

Is your luggage in the car, sir? I just had one suitcase...