Original subtitles

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Sorry, what kind of name is 'Nadby and Penlock Properties'?

What? I don't know, it's just what the company's called.

'Nadby and Penlock'.

They sound like a couple of paedophiles. Very good.

Er, why is Dad just sitting in his car?

Oh, yeah. No top. Obviously.

Is he asleep or just dead?

Shall we? Mm.

Argh! Argh! CAR HORN HONKS Bleeding hell!

Morning! Rise and shine!

Bloody shits! You could've given me a heart attack!

Idiots.

Well, get in then... Really? Go on.

Eurgh! What've you been eating in here? Jesus!

Oxtail soup. Oxtail soup? In your car?

Well, I couldn't eat soup in the house any more.

Oh, you wouldn't understand.

She's driven you that mad, then, has she?

Bloody Val! Ten days that bloody woman's been with us.

Ten days! God.

Parking her car on our drive,

taking over the whole bleeding house.

HE SLURPS NOISILY

She's only been rearranging all the bloody furniture

and chucking all my stuff in the bin...

Do you know what she threw away today? What?

This.

What is it? No idea.

But would you throw that away?

Er, don't you think you've had enough to drink tonight, Dad?

Yes, I know she's going through a divorce, but does she have to come and live with us?

Can't she just... ..live in her car?

Yes!

Or in the sea.

Martin? Ooh, here we go.

Can you please stop sitting in your car all the time! Val's here.

Is she? I hadn't noticed.

Hi, boys. BOTH: Hi, Mum.

Come on, now. It's rude.

Aren't you cold? I'm boiling.

Boys, me and Auntie Val have been having such a giggle.

Yeah, Dad was just saying.

Stick this in the bin for Auntie, would you? No, you don't!

Dad!

My slippers! That bloody woman!

Martin, they're revolting.

They're like tramp's shoes!

See what I'm talking about?!

Not really. They're here.

Oh, yeah, Val's been so funny.

In the head!

Hello, boys.

BOTH: Hello, Auntie Val.

Well, aren't you going to give me a kiss, then? Honestly!

Uh-uh-uh! Shoes first! Then kiss.

Pardon?! Take your shoes off.

Um, we never take our shoes off in this house.

Well, now we do. Since when?

Just obey...

There.

Now you can kiss Auntie.

Good boys.

Remember the rules, Martin...?

Jah, mein Fuhrer.

Sorry, which one's our mum again?

Ow!

Right! 20 seconds of freedom.

Hey, Nick. Always your bloody phone.

Shh, Mum. It's my boss!

No, no, it's cool, Nick. It's cool.

ADAM MIMICS: "No, it's cool, Nick. It's cool."

Yeah, yeah. I think I've got the keys.

Ow! Sorry. Glendale Road. Glendale Road.

Bloody go away!

Not you. Got 'em. I'll see you later.

What are you doing? Bye, Nick.

ADAM MIMICS: "Bye, Nick!" You're such a dick!

I know. He's coming to pick up some keys later,

so you better not be even more of a dick.

Hmm. I'm not sure that's possible.

Your new boss is coming here?

What? Yeah.

Freedom over.

Martin, we're going to meet Nick later!

Nick Slater?

Sorry? How exciting! Meeting Jonnyboo's boss.

Mum! You're not meeting Nick.

He's just picking up some keys for a flat.

Yeah, I know. He'll come in and say hello.

What? No way!

Sorry?

You mean you don't want your boss to meet your mother and father?

Why don't you want him to meet us?

Er...

Martin! Dirty!

Course he'll meet us...

Is he dishy? Urgh, Auntie!

Cos I'm availabubble!

"Availabubble"!

Great. Do you think Nick Slater would know what this is?

Are you availabubble for some more, madam?!

Most availabubble!

Well, come in, then.

You sure we're allowed, or do we have to take our socks off first?

Uh. Funny, boys! Come in.

Oh, and wash your hands. What! We have to wash our hands now!

Yes. You've come in from outside, so now you wash your hands.

Are we in some kind of prison camp?

I'm excited about meeting your boss. And so am I!

So dead!

Val's made the crumble tonight, boys. Has she?

Oh, we'll be having a lovely dinner.

And will we be allowed to sit at the table?

Only after we've wiped your bottoms!

Oh, please!

Oh, Val, can't you come and live here forever?

Sorry, just got to...

We'd have so much fun!

All right? Yeah, just...

checking the keys, for Nick and... er...

going to the loo.

Argh! Argh!

Just doing my bits.

So this sofa, it stayed where it was, but the other sofa, your sofa,

that moved from there to...

there.

Right. When's dinner? Yeah.

Stop it!

Hasn't Auntie done a fabulous job?

Have you seen my stapler collection?

Stapler collection?

BOTH: Um...

Oh, I don't believe it! The bloody bins, again!

Someone's not happy!

Boys, since Auntie Val's been here

she's really helped make the house, you know...

Worse? Thank you, Jonathan.

No, I love making a place all nice and...

No, you're not having the car! Now, piss off!

Larry? Larry.

Your poor auntie's having such a hard time.

Is she? Larry won't move out the house. Won't he?

But I've still got his car, so...

Yeah, you tell him, Val!

Yeah, the filthy, effing pig!

Leave room? Yup! Right, look what I found, Valerie!

My stapler collection.

Your broken stapler collection.

Will you please stop chucking my stuff in the bloody bin!

Oh, shut up, Martin!

Why do you need all your broken staplers? Cos they're mementoes, you moron.

Of what? All your exciting 'stapling adventures'?

Precisely. Now I told that woman not to go up to my office.

Stop it!

Don't you dare go near my bloody shed!

Oh, yeah, the bloody shed. Shhh!

I forgot about the bloody shed!

SHE LAUGHS

Have fun! She's not going to the shed now, is she?

I'm sorry...?

BOTH: Dad!

I said to her, "Don't go in my shed."

Where's she bloody gone? In my shed!

Calm down! She's just making it...

..nice.

Jackie, my shed is already nice.

It's definitely not nice.

You pillocks coming or what?

Oh, we're not missing this!

Martin, calm down.

What?! I am calmed down. Shoes on, Pusface...

Bloody Val. Martin!

SHOE SQUELCHES

JONNY LAUGHS Oh, God...

What is...?! Boys?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes...!

What has he...? JONNY CACKLES

An egg?! An egg?! Bloody halfwits.

See you later, Pusface! Jonny!

Oh, my God, that better come out! That better come out!

You bloody...

I can't believe you, Jonathan.

Classic! Classic!

Oh...

Tramp shoes... HE GROANS

One minute...

HE GIGGLES

Mwah!

Oh, yes!

Carpet emergency! CARPET EMERGENCY!

OK, Valerie.

Get out of my sodding shed!

Um, sorry, don't you knock first?

What?! Martin, your shed is a pigsty.

I'm tidying up, OK?

Look, leave it! Everything is in here for a reason!

Is it..?

Shut up!

Right, and what's the reason for this disgusting old sandwich?

Erm... Haven't you met Professor Germs?

Oh-ho-ho, cool shoes!

Er, first of all...

Ow! There.

You're in my slippers.

I thought I'd thrown them away...

Aha! You thought wrong, didn't you, Valerie?

Well, there's one thing I'm definitely throwing away. You just try.

Seen this, boys? Give that to me, now!

What is it? A tin of beef.

You are not throwing that away!

Really? "Best before September 1996."

What?! 1996?

But that's, like, over...

Correct - 20 years old.

Dad! 20-year-old meat?!

And?

"And?!" Why are you keeping 20-year-old meat?!

Cos it's my good luck meat, isn't it? Now, give!

Sorry, your "good luck" meat? Your "good luck" meat...?

It was in the shed when we moved in, so I just kept it.

Thought it might bring me luck. Right...

And has it brought you luck?

JACKIE: Val...?

Well, she's still alive.

Huh?

Jackie, Martin has been keeping this tin of meat in here.

Yes, his "good luck" meat.

JACKIE: Pardon? It's 20 years old.

You've been keeping rotten food?

What? How can it be rotten if it's in a tin?

And you were going to eat it, were you?

Well, I don't know, do I?

Oh, God... I told him it's going in the bin.

Of course it's going in the bin!

I am telling you now, that meat is going nowhere!

Martin!

No, Jackie, I've bloody well had it!

How would you like it, Valerie, if I came round your house

and chucked all your bloody stuff in the bin, hmm?

Well, I really wouldn't know, Martin,

because I don't have a house at the moment, do I?!

SHE SOBS

ADAM WHISPERS: Nice one, Dad.

JACKIE: Yes, thank you for upsetting my friend.

VALERIE SOBS

In the bin! Goodbye!

Jackie! Give me my meat!

Give me my meat!

"Give me my meat."

Now we know what to write on his tombstone.

JACKIE: I'm not arguing about it any more, it's going in the bin.

Right, well, you just try... I will just try.

Good, you just try. I will just try.

Hello, Jackie. You look nice!

You gave me a fright! Excuse me...

Huh?

Go on, Jackie, you just try.

I can't believe it. You've taped up all the bins?! Yep!

I couldn't get the dustbins to open either, Jackie.

Er, why were you trying to open our bins?

Oh, well, I'd just bought myself a brand-new dustbin,

and I didn't want to get it all dirty, so I thought I'd...

..use ours? Hmmm?

DOG WHINES

Sorry, has your dog got fleas or something?

Oh, no, he's just wearing that to stop him from reaching his...

..you know.

What..?

Sexualised parts.

Right...

Well, Jackie, Valerie, what are you going to do now, then, hmm?

Jackie?

Jackie!

Open the door!

Um, Jonny?

Open the bloody door!

Oh, look, your boss is here for his keys!

Open the door! Jackie!

Give me my meat!

Hello, Nick! Um... Hi, Jonny.

He keeps chewing his winky.

Give me my shitting meat!

You could have at least brought him in to say hello...

Mum - before I strangle you and myself -

he just came to pick up some keys to a property.

Yeah, Jonny had to give him the right keys to the property.

Exactly. What? Hm?

Adam, was he dishy? Oh, very dishy. Please!

Where is your dad? Martin?

He's not still looking for his tin of bloody meat.

Obviously he's still looking for his tin of bloody meat.

There you are.

Well, Martin. Did you find it?

OK, Valerie, did you hide it in the attic?

The attic?! Dad, have you gone insane?

Yes. Look, can we just eat?

Did you bury it in the garden? What?!

Yes, she buried it in the garden.

Along with her faeces.

Adam! Sorry, Val.

You know, Jackie, maybe I should stay at my sister's tonight.

Great, I'll take you now! Martin!

No, Val, you are staying here tonight and that's that.

Oh, thanks, love... Ugh! Where's the gin?

DOORBELL Oh! Go on, Pusface.

OK, Pissface.

Ugh!

Oh, hello.

Sorry, is Jonny there? Erm...

Hello, everyone, may I introduce...

It's not Jim, is it?

Er, hi. Sorry to interrupt.

Nick?

Oh, the famous Nick! Lovely to meet you.

Jackie - Jonny's mum. Lovely to meet you too.

Um, Jonny..? You're the man from before.

What? Yeah. I still haven't found my sodding meat.

Thanks, Dad. Everything OK?

Valerie Lewis.

PHONE RINGS

Just piss off!

Ah! Er, yeah, sorry.

Jonny, those keys you gave me - Glendale Road - they didn't work.

They didn't work? Didn't they?

What? No, we couldn't get into the flat.

The customers are still in the car. It's actually quite embarrassing.

But I gave you the right ones. Yeah, you gave him the right ones.

Er, let me check. One sec.

Excuse me a moment.

I don't get it.

They were the right keys.

They had the right address on them. Maybe they just got a bit mixed up.

"Mixed up"? Pusface?

Maybe these are the ones they got mixed up with?

You bloody shit!

Sorry, Nick. Bit of a mix-up. But these are the ones. Right.

Are you sure? Yeah, absolutely.

OK, well, sorry again, everyone. Not at all.

Wonderful to meet you. Wonderful.

Erm, yeah, and thank you, Jonny.

I'll see you out.

Oooh, wasn't he dishy? Wasn't he dishy?!

We're availabubble!

Christ!

He swapped my keys! He swapped my bloody keys!

Ow! What?! PHONE RINGS

Oh, Larry again.

Oh, Jackie, I can't keep telling him to piss off.

I can.

He's probably sitting there all alone in his pyjamas,

having a takeaway curry for one. Poor Larry.

Do you want me to speak to him, love? Thanks, sweetie.

He's never really liked you.

Adam, have a word with your uncle, would you?

Auntie!

Hi, Uncle Larry. It's Adam, Jackie Goodman's son.

Yep. Her.

What do you want me to say?

Tell him we'll pay him anything to take her back. Sh!

What's he saying? He says, "Thanks for the car."

"Thanks for the car?"

He's saying, "Have a look out the window."

What?

CAR HORN HONKS

He's taking my car! Bloody bastard!

Bloody bastard!

Yeah, you have said that quite a lot now.

Shall we see you back at Mum's then?

No, you wait here.

What? Why?

Did you bring a flame thrower?

What is she...?

Is that our crumble? What's she doing with our crumble?

Oh, that's what's she's doing with our crumble.

Oh, God! What if Uncle Larry sees her?

And now he's seen her.

Hey! Wait! Come back! And now he's chasing her.

Come back! And now we go.

Drive! Drive!

Come back! God! You bloody nutcase!

Thank you again, love. Did you really like it, Jackie?

Oh, it was wonderful custard. Wasn't it, boys?

Wonderful! Much more wonderful than custard with crumble. Sh!

Yeah, well, I'm sorry again about the crumble, but, you know.

We know. Yes, you smeared it all over your own car.

Where is my bloody meat?

It's probably not up the chimney, Dad.

Jackie, I did speak to my sister, and I am going to stay there.

Really? Joy! Tomorrow. Shit!

Don't worry, Martin, you'll be rid of me in the morning.

Three o'clock in the morning?

Oh, before I forget...

Will you stop it?

Jackie, I cannot last another minute with that bloody woman in our house.

Martin, it's just one more night, OK? One more.

It's like living with a demented ape.

Here, love.

Oh, thanks! What is it?

But these are my clothes.

I just thought...

Well, you never really looked nice in any of them, so,

charity shop!

MARTIN IMITATES MONKEY

DOORBELL Your go!

What the hell are you playing, at Jonny? Sorry?

The wrong keys - again.

What? Again?! Right.

Hold on a minute. Who is it?

You gave him the wrong keys again?! What?

They're the wrong fucking keys!

Really?! Honestly, I thought they were the right ones.

Well, which ones are they, then? Huh?

These ones?

These ones? Brilliant.

Jonny?

Nick, I'm really sorry, but you better just take the whole lot.

And your car? Your company car?

My car?

Why's it covered in curry...?

Curry?

Oh, my God.

Larry.

The bloody bastard!

Shit on it, he's done mine too!

Oh! Where's my phone?

I'm guessing you'll be wanting to speak to me on Monday then?

Oh, yeah. First thing.

Jonnyboo... Sorry, but that woman is going right now!

What? Martin!

She is out!

Boys? OK, Valerie, that's it!

Er, can you let go of me, please? Come on, out!

Martin! Come on! Get off! Get off!

Is that what I think it is?

Let go! Give it! Let go!

Bloody give it to me, give me my meat!

Give me my meat! Give me my meat!

Martin! Dad!

Ah-ha! Oh, yes, well done, Martin. You found it.

Now give it back. No way, Valerie.

Martin, give it to me, will you? I'll throw it away.

Throw it away? But this is my lucky meat.

Now, we'll see if it's all "rotten", shall we?

Dad. Seriously?

Rotten meat...

THEY GROAN

God!

It's fine. It's perfectly good meat.

Perfectly good meat?

Er, you're not actually going to eat that, are you?

No - let him, boys. Let your father poison himself.

Come on, Martin, you've proved your point.

Not yet, I haven't.

THEY GROAN

Martin!

It's fine. It's absolutely fine.

Enough, now. please!

THEY GRIMACE

Actually, it's very nice.

It's delicious.

It's OK, Martin. You're going to be just fine.

Oh, God! It's all right, Dad.

I've untaped your bins.

Great, Jim. Yeah, we are a little busy.

Is he dead?

Sadly, no - not yet.

What happened?

He ate some meat from a tin that was 20 years old.

I have that sometimes.

Really? Meat that's 20 years old?!

What about meat that's 30 years old?

I also eat a lot of that.

Any room for another one?

What?

Where am I?

It's OK, Martin. You're all right.

Am I... Am I still at home?

Don't worry, Dad. It's OK.

You're just in the hospital.

The hospital? Thank God.

I escaped!

Lovely. He's over there.

Oh, shit. She's here.

Thank you, Martin.

Oh, hello, doctor. Hi.

How are you feeling now, Mr Goodman? Bloody lousy.

Like my stomach's made out of toilets. Yeah.

There's probably some pretty nasty bacteria in this.

What was he doing eating it? It's over 20 years old!

Oh, and I'm sorry, Mrs Goodman,

but we will need to keep your husband in overnight.

Really? Oh, thank you, doctor! Thank you so much!

Martin! PAGER VIBRATES

One minute.

Sorry, Jackie, I just spoke to my sister again and,

well, she was very rude actually - she called me an annoying cow.

Can you believe it?

Well, I can't stay there tomorrow now, can I?

Would you mind if I stayed at yours instead? Erm...

And maybe for a few more days after that?

Like, maybe another week..?

Er...

What do you think, Martin? Martin?!

Dad?

Dad!

You better call the nurse.

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