Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

YOU WILL HAVE TO FORGIVE ME

IF I TALK TO YOU WITH MY MOUTH FULL,

BUT I AM HERE TO SELECT SOME CHEESES FOR MY CAFE.

NOW, THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING MY ADVENTURES

WILL KNOW THAT I AM VERY CLOSE

TO A COMPLETE NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

TOO STRONG.

FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS I HAVE BEEN HARBORING

A SECRET CODING APPARATUS, CALLED THE ENIGMA MACHINE.

THE RESISTANCE ARE TRYING TO GET THIS TO ENGLAND,

BY PLACING IT IN A WINE BARREL,

AND FLOATING IT INTO THE TOWN DRAIN,

TO BE PICKED UP BY A TWO-MAN MIDGET SUBMARINE.

TO DO THIS, THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF NOUVION

WAS SUPPOSED TO FLUSH THEIR TOILETS

AT ONE AND THE SAME TIME.

TOO SALTY.

IT WILL DO FOR THE CUSTOMERS TO PUT IN THEIR EARS

WHEN MY WIFE IS SINGING.

NOW WHERE WAS I? OH, YES, THE TOILET.

NOW, NEEDLESS TO SAY, THERE WAS A COCK-UP.

THE BARREL THAT WE PUT INTO THE DRAIN

CONTAINED NOT A CODING MACHINE,

BUT SOME UNDERWEAR BELONGING TO MY WAITRESS, YVETTE,

WHICH EVEN AS WE SPEAK,

IS PROBABLY IN THE HANDS OF THE HEAD OF MI-5,

WHO IS PROBABLY TRYING TO DECODE IT.

HE WILL FIND NOTHING OF INTEREST,

EXCEPT THAT YVETTE IS VERY WELL BUILT.

THAT'S TOO YOUNG.

FORTUNATELY, THE MACHINE

IS NO LONGER IN MY POSSESSION,

WHICH IS WHY I HAVE NOT GONE COMPLETELY ROUND THE TWIST.

- UGH! - (spits )

TOO OLD.

PSST!

WHAT IS THE MATTER?

I HAVE CALLED AN URGENT MEETING.

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

WHY DO THEY TAKE NO NOTICE?

THE WORLD DOES NOT STOP JUST FOR YOU.

GET BACK INTO THE ROOM, AND STOP PSSTING.

WHERE IS SHE?

IN THE BACK ROOM GETTING HER KNICKERS IN A TWIST.

MIMI, LOOK AFTER THE BAR.

PLEASE MAKE THIS VERY SHORT,

BECAUSE WE HAVE CUSTOMERS TO ATTEND TO.

IN THAT CASE, I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.

WHAT A SURPRISE.

WE ARE NO LONGER TRYING TO SEND THE ENIGMA MACHINE

TO THE EXPERTS IN LONDON.

All: GOOD.

COME BACK!

THERE IS MORE.

INSTEAD, THE EXPERTS ARE COMING HERE TO EXAMINE IT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "HERE"? WHY ARE THEY COMING HERE?

WE NO LONGER HAVE THE MACHINE.

IT IS TOO DANGEROUS.

THE GERMANS ARE LOOKING FOR IT EVERYWHERE.

THE MACHINE WILL ONLY BE HERE LONG ENOUGH

FOR THE EXPERTS TO EXAMINE IT.

WHERE ARE THESE EXPERTS?

THEY WILL BE DROPPED BY PARACHUTE,

DISGUISED AS POLICEMEN.

THIS WILL ENABLE THEM TO EXAMINE THE MACHINE

WITHOUT AROUSING SUSPICION.

WHEN THEY ARRIVE AT YOUR CAFE,

THEY WILL MAKE THEMSELVES KNOWN

BY A SECRET SIGN.

WHAT IS THIS SIGN?

THEY WILL BRANDISH THEIR BATONS,

LIKE THIS.

THIS GESTURE WILL NOT GO UNNOTICED.

YOU WILL THEN GIVE US A SIGNAL,

AND WE WILL DELIVER THE MACHINE.

WHAT IS THE NATURE OF THIS SIGNAL?

YOU WILL PLACE A RED CYCLE LAMP

IN THE WINDOW OF THE BEDROOM OF YOUR MOTHER.

A RED LAMP?

WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK?

YOU CAN SAY SHE IS

BEING REPAIRED BY A ROAD GANG.

THE MACHINE WILL THEN BE DELIVERED

BY ONE OF OUR AGENTS

DISGUISED AS A SPANISH ACCORDION PLAYER.

OH NO!

I AM AT THE END OF MY TETHER.

THE WIRES TO BERLIN HAVE BEEN BURNING FIT TO BURST.

THE FUHRER IS ELECTRIFIED WITH RAGE.

THE ENIGMA MACHINE HAS BEEN MISSING FOR TWO DAYS,

AND HERE IS HIS ULTIMATUM:

IF IT IS NOT RECOVERED IN 24 HOURS,

I AM TO BE SENT TO THE RUSSIAN FRONT.

THAT IS--

TERRIBLE NEWS, GENERAL.

MIND YOU,

THEY DO NEED A GOOD MAN OUT THERE.

YOU GREAT GENERAL. YOU WIN THE BATTLES.

YOU BE FAMOUS HERO IN ALL THE PAPERS.

UNFORTUNATELY, NONE OF YOU

WILL BE READING THE NEWSPAPERS,

IN THE SUICIDE SQUAD OF THE AFRICA CORPS,

TO WHICH I SHALL POST YOU BEFORE I DEPART.

NOW, HERE ARE MY ORDERS:

IF THE MACHINE IS NOT RECOVERED BY THIS EVENING,

YOU WILL ARREST THE SIX MOST PROMINENT PEOPLE IN THE TOWN,

MARCH THEM TO THE SQUARE, AND SHOOT THEM.

WITH RESPECT, GENERAL,

IS THIS NOT A JOB FOR HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO?

NO! IT IS A JOB FOR YOU!

THE BUCK STOPS RIGHT HERE.

IS THIS UNDERSTOOD BY YOU ALL?

GENERAL, DON'T LOOK AT ME. IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

THEN YOU CAN LEAVE FOR AFRICA NOW.

SUDDENLY, IT IS MY PROBLEM.

LET IT BE DONE. HEIL HITLER!

Colonel: HEIL HITLER.

I THINK WE ALL IN THE "YOU KNOW WHAT,"

RIGHT UP TO HERE.

WHAT DO YOU INTEND

THAT WE SHOULD DO, COLONEL?

GRUBER, WE DO WHAT WE WERE TAUGHT

AT OFFICERS' TRAINING SCHOOL.

WE OBEY ORDERS.

THE COLONEL IS RIGHT.

WE MUST START PEASANT SHOOTING.

AT 8:00 THIS EVENING,

WE ARREST EVERYONE AT THE CAFE.

COLONEL,

THIS WILL GO, MOST DEFINITELY,

AGAINST THE DICTATES OF MY CONSCIENCE.

FOR THIS REASON I AM CONFINING YOU

IN THIS OFFICE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

AND TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU REMAIN HERE,

YOU WILL SURRENDER TO ME YOUR UNIFORM.

COLONEL...

NO ARGUMENTS. GET 'EM OFF.

AH, WELL.

IN FOR A PFENNIG, IN FOR A MARK.

( humming "The Stripper" )

THE WOMEN HAVE BEEN APPREHENDED, HERR FLICK.

- BRING THEM IN. - BRING THEM IN HERE.

MOVE, MOVE!

ONE, TWO, THREE.

♪ ARISE YE CHILDREN ♪

♪ OF THE MOTHERLAND ♪

♪ THE HOUR OF FREEDOM ♪

♪ IS DRAWING NIGH... ♪

ROTTEN. SHUT UP.

I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY WE HAVE BEEN BROUGHT HERE!

WE KNOW NOTHING.

OUR LIPS ARE SEALED.

IN A FEW MINUTES, YOU WILL NOT BE SO CONFIDENT.

TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES.

All: NO.

TAKE THEM OFF.

OH, VERY WELL.

NOT YOU.

VON SMALLHAUSEN, WHAT IS THE PROGRESS OF THE KETTLE?

IT IS ABOUT TO SING, HERR FLICK.

THAT WILL BE HOT ENOUGH FOR MY PURPOSE.

BRING IT HERE.

IF YOU TELL ME ALL I NEED TO KNOW,

YOU WILL LEAVE HERE UNHARMED.

IN EACH OF THESE CUPS,

I AM PLACING A NEW GERMAN INVENTION,

KNOWN AS THE TEA BAG.

IT WAS INVENTED BY BARON VON TETLEY.

HE WAS FED UP WITH HIS CASTLE SINK

BEING BUNGED UP WITH LEAVES.

YOU GERMANS ARE MOST INGENIOUS.

DRINK.

ARE YOU TRYING TO POISON US?

THE DRINK IS QUITE HARMLESS.

YOU HAVE MY WORD AS A GESTAPO OFFICER.

DRINK.

LITTLE DO THEY KNOW,

THAT MIXED IN WITH THE TEA BAG

IS A RARE DRUG,

DISTILLED FROM THE SWEAT GLANDS

OF THE PATAGONIAN FRUIT BAT.

IT IS QUITE PALATABLE.

I DO NOT THINK IT IS POISON.

IT HAS NO EFFECT ON ME,

EXCEPT I HAVE A STRANGE DESIRE

TO HANG UPSIDE DOWN.

WHAT WILL BE THE EFFECT OF THIS DRUG, HERR FLICK?

IT IS SAID TO BE MORE POWERFUL

THAN SODIUM PENTATHOL.

THEY WILL BE COMPELLED TO TELL THE TRUTH.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

EDITH MELBA ARTOIS.

YOURS?

YVETTE CARTE-BLANCHE.

YOURS?

MIMI... LABONQ.

I THINK IT IS WORKING, HERR FLICK.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

18.

19.

NEARLY 27.

OBVIOUSLY ANOTHER FAULTY BATCH.

WE ARE WASTING OUR TIME.

RELEASE THEM.

EDITH!

EDITH, YVETTE, MIMI? WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

IT IS TIME WE WERE OPEN.

GOOD MOANING.

GOOD MOANING.

I HAVE BAD NOSE.

YOUR WIFF AND YOUR WOTRESSES

HAVE BEEN ARROSTED BY THE GESTOOPO.

WHAT?!

WHEN? I HAVE BEEN LYING DOWN--

THEY MAY HAVE REVILED THAT SECRET URGENTS

ARE TO MOTE HERE TO LICK AT THE ENIGMA APPAROTUS.

OH MY GOD!

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

I THINK IT WOULD BE WOOSE IF WE ALL LEFT TIN.

I HAVE BROUGHT FOR YOU

A DISGEESE IN THIS SOTCUSS.

EDITH!

THIS IDIOT SAYS THAT YOU HAD BEEN CAPTURED BY THE GESTAPO.

HE WAS RIGHT.

IT WAS A TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE.

DO NOT WORRY, WE TOLD HIM NOTHING.

HE GAVE US A CUP OF TEA

AND THEN HE RELEASED US.

ARE YOU SURE IT WAS NOT DRUGGED?

I DO NOT THINK SO,

BUT IT DID TASTE A BIT FUNNY.

IT DOES NOT SEEM TO HAVE AFFECTED US.

ON THE OTHER HAND,

MY HEARING HAS BECOME VERY ACUTE,

AND MIMI HAS BEEN BEHAVING A LITTLE STRANGELY.

LOOK, YOU MUST TELL MICHELLE TO SEND THE BRITISH AGENTS BACK.

THIS WHOLE PLAN IS LUNACY.

TOO LUTE, THE BUMMER IS ALREADY ON THE WEE.

EEK, EEK.

EE-EEK.

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH HER?

EEK, EEK, EE-EEK.

SHE SAYS SHE IS GOING TO SLEEP

AND DOES NOT WISH TO BE WOKEN UNTIL NIGHTFALL.

MY GOD, WHAT WAS IN THAT TEA?

TAKE HER INTO THE KITCHEN

AND PUT HER HEAD UNDER THE COLD WATER TAP.

EEK, EE-EEK,

EE-EEK, EE-EEK.

THIS WOULD JUST HAPPEN AT OPENING TIME.

ALL RIGHT, WE ARE OPEN. COME ON IN.

GOOD EVENING, JACQUES, PIERRE.

THANKS, AWFULLY.

WE'VE JUST BEEN FOR A BREATH OF FRESH AIR.

MY GOD, THE BRITISH AIRMEN. YOU CANNOT STAY HERE!

WHAT'S HE SAYING?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T SPEAK A WORD OF THE LANGUAGE.

THIS WHOLE PLACE IS CRAWLING WITH GERMANS.

- YOU WILL HAVE TO HIDE. - WE'RE GONNA HAVE A DRINK.

Rene: NO, NO, YOU WILL GET US ALL SHOT.

Both: CHEERS.

Yvette: RENE, THEY ARE BOTH DRINKING

BLACK COFFEE IN THE KITCHEN.

I'M SURE THEY WILL BE ALL RIGHT IN A MINUTE.

MY GOD! GERMANS.

THINK OF A WAY TO GET THESE AIRMEN UPSTAIRS.

I KNOW THE WAY.

BY JOVE!

FREE CIGARETTES!

( clears throat )

RENE,

TRY NOT TO LOOK SO SURPRISED.

I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU.

WELL, YOU REALLY NEED NOT HAVE BOTHERED.

THERE HAVE BEEN ONE OR TWO

VERY SERIOUS DEVELOPMENTS.

SO I SEE.

IF THE ENIGMA MACHINE IS NOT RETURNED

WITHIN HALF AN HOUR, YOU ARE TO BE ARRESTED AND SHOT.

BUT, LIEUTENANT--

ER, PRIVATE, WE DO NOT HAVE THE MACHINE.

THEN YOU MUST LEAVE AT ONCE.

THANK YOU FOR THE WARNING,

AND FOR GOING TO SUCH INCREDIBLE LENGTHS.

THE COLONEL CONFISCATED MY UNIFORM,

IN CASE I SHOULD TIP YOU THE WINK.

I PINCHED THIS

WHILE HELGA WAS HAVING A BATH.

BUT THE, UH... THE WIG?

IT'S HER SPARE ONE.

YOU KNOW THE SAYING,

"LIPSTICK, POWDER, AND A LITTLE BIT OF PAINT,

MAKE A GIRL LOOK WHAT SHE JOLLY WELL AIN'T."

NO, I'VE NEVER HEARD.

WOMEN, RENE, ARE ALL DECEIVERS.

ER, I THINK THE BATH MUST HAVE RUN COLD.

HELGA IS JUST ABOUT TO ENTER THE CAFE.

HIDE ME, RENE.

IF SHE REVEALS ME TO THE COLONEL, I AM UNDONE.

SIT THERE, SIT THERE!

HOLD THIS MENU UP IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.

HELGA,

WHAT A PRETTY HELMET.

ARE YOU ON MANEUVERS?

NO, I AM ON TRANQUILIZERS.

MY UNIFORM HAS BEEN STOLEN.

LOOK!

I SUSPECT LIEUTENANT GRUBER DID IT,

IN ORDER TO WARN YOU OF YOUR IMPENDING FATE.

NO, I AM SURE IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN LIEUTENANT GRUBER,

OR HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN YOUR UNDERWEAR AS WELL.

HAVE YOU NOT SEEN HIM?

NO, NEITHER HIDE NOR HAIR.

I SHALL SIT HERE AND WAIT FOR HIM.

( Rene stammering )

WHY NOT HOLD THIS MENU IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE?

THEN HE WOULD NOT RECOGNIZE YOU,

SHOULD HE EVER COME IN.

RENE, EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL.

- HOW IS MIMI? - SHE IS STABILIZED.

SHE IS HANGING IN THE LARDER, NEXT TO THE HAM.

LOOK, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

SITTING OVER THERE IS LIEUTENANT GRUBER,

WEARING THE CLOTHES OF HELGA.

YOU MEAN, "HE HAS A PROBLEM."

LISTEN!

OVER AT THE TABLE BY THE WINDOW,

IS HELGA WEARING A TIN HAT AND VERY LITTLE ELSE.

IF THE ENIGMA MACHINE IS NOT RETURNED

TO THE GERMANS WITHIN HALF AN HOUR

I AM TO BE ARRESTED AND SHOT.

Yvette: RENE, RENE.

I HAVE JUST SEEN THROUGH THE UPSTAIRS WINDOW,

TWO POLICEMEN APPROACHING THE CAFE.

MY GOD, THEY ARE PROBABLY COMING TO ARREST ME!

Both: GOOD MOANING.

THE BRITISH AGENTS.

THAT IS CORROCT.

GET OFFICER CRABTREE.

I WILL PUT AT ONCE IN THE WINDOW

OF MY MOTHER, THE RED LAMP.

WHERE IS THE APPAROOTIS?

LOOK, THIS PLACE IS CRAWLING WITH GERMANS.

PLEASE GO AWAY!

KEEP A COOL HOD AND DO NOT PINIC.

ALL WE NEED IS A QUICK LICK TO SEE HOW IT WICKS,

AND WE'LL BE IFF TO ONGLAND.

AGENT SIXTY-NOON.

AGENT FARTY.

RENE, RENE!

ARGH, WHY HAS EDITH

PLACED IN MY WINDOW, A RED LAMP?

DOES SHE NOT KNOW

THAT I HAVE RETIRED?

GET BACK UP THE STAIRS, YOU STUPID OLD BAT.

DISGUISED AS AN ACCORDION,

THE ENIGMA MACHINE APPROACHES.

WE WILL ARROST THE MOOSICIANS

AND TAKE THEM INTO THE BACK RIM,

WHERE YOU WILL DISCOVER ITS SECRETS.

THEN YOU CAN RETAIN THE INFOAMATION TO LONDON.

I HOPE YOU DO THIS QUICKLY.

IF THE GERMANS DON'T GET THE MACHINE BACK,

I AM TO BE PERSONALLY SHOT.

( accordion plays )

OLE.

OH MY GOD.

♪ LADY OF SPAIN ♪

♪ I ADORE YOU ♪

♪ RIGHT FROM THE NIGHT ♪

♪ I FIRST SAW YOU ♪

♪ MY HEART IS DOING ♪

♪ A YO-YO... ♪

♪ WHAT ELSE CAN ♪

♪ ANY HEART DO? ♪

♪ LADY OF SPAIN... ♪

OH MY GOD, THE GENERAL.

HE HAS COME FOR ME.

♪ ALL THAT MY EYES ARE REVEALING ♪

♪ LADY OF SPAIN ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU... ♪

STOP!

DARL-- WHA--

I AM ARROSTING YOU

FOR BIGGING AND DISTOOBING THE PUSS.

PSST! IT IS I, LECLERC.

SHUT UP AND COME WITH MOO.

WHAT FOR YOU STOP THE MUSIC?

IT WAS VERY GOOD. MORE, MORE.

♪ LADY OF SPAIN ♪

♪ I ADORE YOU-- ♪

STOP!

DO NOT INTERFERE WITH THE LOCAL AFFAIRS, CAPTAIN.

CARRY ON WITH YOUR DUTY.

THE ENEMA IS IN THE ORGAN.

OOH!

I SEE FROM HER INSIGNIA THAT GIRL IS IN YOUR UNIT.

THE LEGS SEEM FAMILIAR,

BUT I DO NOT RECOGNIZE THE FACE.

HEY, YOU.

HOW YOU LIKE THE GOOD TIME

WITH THE BIG HERO?

YOU MUST FORGIVE ME,

BUT I AM NOT VERY KEEN ON MOUSTACHES.

THAT'S GRUBER.

WHAT A MISTAKE TO MAKE.

WHAT'S HE DOING?

OFFICERS OFF DUTY CAN PLEASE THEMSELVES

HOW THEY WHILE AWAY THE HOURS.

IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, GRUBER,

POP BY MY QUARTERS AND HAVE A DRINK.

TIME IS UP.

THE MACHINE HAS NOT BEEN RETURNED.

IT IS NOW TIME TO START TO ARREST THE PEASANTS.

SOLDIER, ARREST THE CAFE OWNER, HIS WIFE AND THE WAITRESSES.

IT IS I, HELGA.

MY GOD, YOU ARE OFF DUTY, TOO.

PORTRAITS, PORTRAITS,

WHO WILL BUY A PORTRAIT

FROM A POOR OLD PORTRAIT PAINTER?

TELL THE CAFE OWNER TO GET OFF HIS KNEES.

HE'S UNDER ARREST.

BUT I HAVE DONE NOTHING.

COLONEL,

TAKE THIS MAN OUTSIDE AND PREPARE HIM

FOR EXECUTION.

YES, GENERAL.

STOP.

NOBODY IS TO LEAVE THIS CAFE.

HOW DARE YOU POINT YOUR GUN

AT A GENERAL?

HOW DARE YOU POINT YOUR GUN

AT AN OFFICER OF THE GESTAPO?

THE GENERAL SAID IT FIRST.

THERE ARE NOW TWO GUNS POINTING AT YOU.

GRUBER, HAVE YOU GOT A GUN?

I WILL HAVE A LOOK.

LIPSTICK, NAIL POLISH, A PAIR OF SUSPENDERS...

Colonel: HELGA?

I AM UNARMED.

I AM STUNNED.

HAVE YOU RECOVERED THE ENIGMA APPARATUS?

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

GENTLEMAN, I HAVE GOOD NOSE.

GENERAL, COLONEL,

THE RESISTANCE, WHO, OF COURSE, I DO NOT KNOW AT ALL,

HAVE JUST THROWN THE ENIGMA MACHINE

THROUGH THE WINDOW OF MY BACK PARLOR.

THIS IS VERY STRANGE. I HEARD NOTHING.

( glass shatters )

THERE IT WAS.

HERE YOU ARE, GENERAL.

THERE IS A NOTE--

"TO SAVE THE LIFE OF AN INNOCENT CAFE OWNER

WHO HAS NO CONNECTION WITH THE RESISTANCE,

THIS MACHINE IS RETURNED."

I CANNOT READ THE SIGNATURE

AS THE INK IS STILL WET.

GOOD.

STRONG ACTIONS ALWAYS PRODUCE RESULTS.

THE SITUATION IS NOW CLOSED.

BUT INQUIRIES WILL CONTINUE

AFTER I HAVE PHONED MY TAILOR

AND CANCELLED MY WINTER UNIFORM.

AGAIN I AM THWARTED.

SO AM I.

YOUR THWART IS SMALLER.

PERHAPS YOU GENTLEMEN WOULD CARE TO JOIN ME

IN MY QUARTERS FOR A LITTLE SCHNAPPS?

THANK YOU, GENERAL.

IT WILL BE QUITE INFORMAL.

NO NEED TO CHANGE, GRUBER.

THERE'S NO NEED FOR YOU TO CHANGE EITHER, EH?

LET US CLOSE THE CAFE.

YES, I'M SORRY, WE ARE CLOSED.

THANK YOU, VERY MUCH, GENTLEMEN, FOR COMING.

YVETTE.

ANOTHER NARROW ESCAPE.

OH, RENE,

HOW MUCH LONGER CAN WE CONTINUE

THIS DANGEROUS EXISTENCE?

THAT IS HOW IT GOES IN WARTORN FRANCE, EDITH.

IF WE PLAY OUR CARDS RIGHT, WE MAY SURVIVE.

IN ANY EVENT, WE MUST JUST WORRY ONE DAY AT A TIME.

WELL, WHEN IT IS ALL OVER,

I JUST HOPE WE ARE ON THE WINNING SIDE.

WE ARE SURE TO BE, EDITH.

WE ARE ON EVERYBODY'S SIDE.

AND MEANTIME,

I AM CLOSE TO THE WOMAN I LOVE.

OH, RENE,

YOU ARE MY WONDER MAN.

( knocking )

WHO IS THAT?

CAN THEY NOT SEE I HAVE CLOSED THE CAFE?

DID I, UH... MISS ANYTHING?

HANG AROUND, I WILL TELL YOU LATER.

( theme music playing )