Original subtitles

I could push you, if you want.

Jesus Fuck!

You should be careful.

You could kill yourself.

Can I watch?

You can't stop me.

No I wouldn't try.

Can I ask why you're doing this?

I mean jumping off a bridge?

Look, I don't mean to be rude,

but could you, you know...

Oh, sure, sure.

Yes, yes.

Are you going to be long?

Duh!

You've ruined the mood.

I'm here to help you.

You can help me by leaving me alone.

Sure?

I could make this much easier.

No?

Well, it's your death.

Here, I've got a card.

There you are.

If you need any help.

Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do,

but

I'm past help.

Yes, well,

good luck.

(dramatic orchestral music rising

Hell.

And you didn't look down?

I had my eyes shut.

In a way you're very unlucky.

And what prompted this time?

Must be something.

You can tell me.

Our lives are a futile struggle

to make sense of the senseless.

Oh William.

You can see my predicament.

One of my lifeguards is suicidal.

That's hardly reassuring.

I'm really trying to understand William-

you're not the only one with problems you know.

Yeah, the world is shit.

But if you stare all day at the shit

then there's no wonder you can only see shit.

The trick is to find something

that makes it appear bearable.

You've got the gun in your mouth,

your finger on the trigger but you think,

"I've never eaten a Twix."

What?

It's about finding something

to distract you from the terrible reality.

Like this job.

I work in a leisure center.

You're a lifeguard!

What could be more important than saving people's lives?

But when did I last save someone?

Last year.

Mrs Richards.

She was in the shallow end.

She was in distress.

She could put her feet down.

But she didn't.

She was panicking and you saved her.

That's the problem, William.

Besides your questionable attitude,

you need to be here!

I don't think you're suited to this profession.

We have to let you go.

Think of this as a good thing.

Now you can concentrate on your writing.

Running just as fast we can

Holding onto one another's hand

Trying to get away into the night

And then you put your arms around me

And we tumble to the ground and then we say

I think we're alone now

There doesn't seem to be anyone around

I think we're alone now

The beating of our hearts is the only sound

Look at the way

We gotta hide what we're doing

What would they say

If they ever knew

And so we're running just as fast as we can

Holding onto one another's hand

Trying to get away into the night

And then you put your arms around me

And we tumble to the ground

And then we say

Thank you for calling

NRG gas and electrical supplies.

If you've been disconnected due to an unpaid bill,

please press one.

Yes, I was away.

No I was hoping it would be permanent.

No I wasn't trying...

You're cold and you're old

You're older and you're down

Friends you have chosen

And ties you have woven

No longer for you

I'm behind

Mr O'Neil?

Mr O'Neil?

I said 11 o'clock.

It is now seven minutes past.

Yes.

Sorry.

You said we could discuss some options...

I said we should meet at 11.

I dare say it's that casual attitude

to arrangements that has led to your current predicament.

Tea?

Sorry.

Yes, thank you.

Sorry, you're not what I imagined.

Meet many assassins do you?

It's just I never pictured a polo neck.

What's wrong with a polo neck?

My wife got it for me.

What should I be wearing?

I don't know.

A cardigan?

No!

Hitmen don't wear cardigans!

Well I'm so sorry I'm not living up to your expectations.

Are you sure you're up to this?

Let me tell you something.

I've killed more people than you've had hot baths.

I'm the angel of death.

I'm Abbadon the destroyer.

I'm a one man euthanasia clinic.

Only with me you don't have to go to Switzerland.

Ever been to Switzerland?

No.

And now you never will.

If you're serious.

I'm serious.

How serious?

Serious enough to phone an assassin.

That serious enough?

How do I know you are really serious

and not just saying you're really serious?

When we met, on the bridge, that wasn't my first time.

Go on.

That was the seventh.

Tenth if you count the cries for help.

I tried hanging,

gassing,

booze and pills,

electrocution.

Oh, and I waked into a main road.

How did you survive that?

I was hit by an ambulance.

You couldn't be in better hands.

Great.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You really do need me.

I started to worry that I might be immortal.

I've never met anyone I couldn't kill.

Actually I wrote a book on the topic.

My Many Deaths.

It's unpublished.

Okay, so how do you want this to happen?

You're not going to garotte me are you?

I don't want to be garotted.

What makes you think that?

I'm getting a strong feeling of garotting.

Is it the polo neck?

It's not helping.

No garotting.

You have my word.

So, what are my options?

Here, look, I've got a brochure.

So, you just hang around bridges,

trying to find clients?

Bridges, cliffs, tall buildings.

Usual places.

Killing yourself is a lot harder than people think.

Tell me about it.

There's not much work for a conventional hitman

these days.

All the Eastern Europeans taking our jobs.

But I had to meet my quota somehow.

So, you came along just at the right time, as it happens.

What about this one?

Ah, the hero's death.

This would be perfect.

Killed saving the life of a child, a beautiful nurse

crying over my bloodied body,

a small crowd gathered.

Maybe they're clapping?

Do you know a beautiful nurse?

No.

Do you have access to a child?

No.

Well I'm not saying I can't do it,

but there's a lot of admin involved.

And it's not cheap.

What's your budget?

Well, I've got around two grand.

Two thousand?

I wouldn't reverse over you in a Ford Fiesta for that money.

Well what can you do?

Quick and painless.

Right.

And even then I'm doing you a deal.

For two grand, it's usually quick but painful.

How?

Well, I'd shoot you.

From a distance.

One shot.

You'd never see it coming.

Okay.

Deal.

Excellent.

Here we go.

Standard contract.

Name?

William Morrison.

Address?

Flat three, 27 Drake St.

Reason for wanting death?

Why do you want to die?

Is it terminal illness?

Money problems?

Do you ever wonder what's the point?

Frequently.

What's the point of me?

Why am I here?

What am I contributing?

I think about that all the time.

Over and over and over.

And I want to switch my brain off,

but it builds until it becomes unbearable.

It's like my brain is on fire,

like it's burning from the inside.

And I want it to stop, to feel nothing.

I've never talked to anyone about this.

We're already dying.

Just very slowly.

Life's one long terminal il...

Yeah, yeah, look it's a very small box.

I'll write cancer.

Okay.

All right, sign here.

Excellent.

Well, congratulations.

You've just signed your own death warrant.

When will it happen?

Oh, anytime within a week

of the money clearing our account.

All the money up front?

Well we can't get it afterwards, can we?

But how do I know this isn't a scam?

Do you have any references?

I'll give you a list of graves you can visit.

You pay the money into an escrow account

run by the British Guild of Assassins.

The money isn't transferred to me until after your death.

And if you're not dead within a week,

you'll get your money back.

The Guild of Assassins?

Never heard of it.

We don't advertise.

And the word of mouth is limited.

What's it like, a union?

We're not bus drivers.

It's a co-operative bound by a strict code of conduct.

An assassin is not just a man with a gun.

We're not murderers.

We're professionals.

And what do I do?

Do what you normally do.

Just don't hide in a cupboard for the week.

I don't mind, I'll kill you anyway,

but you'll regret it.

Okay.

Right.

You seem like a decent man.

I'm very happy to kill you.

I'm very happy to die.

Hello?

Yes, it's Leslie.

Hello, Les.

Hi Wendy.

I need to register this contract.

Look at that!

Well done you!

Just in time.

Those assisted suicides were a great idea.

He's just needs to transfer the money.

He seemed keen.

Depressed was he?

He's another writer.

Unpublished.

That's the trouble with some people.

They think too much.

Is Harvey in?

They're all at the conference.

Didn't you get the newsletter?

No.

It's today and tomorrow.

They're staying at a hotel in Egham.

Here's the schedule.

Mmmm.

Buffet lunch.

So have you got the Ruger Precision?

No, Leslie I'm sorry.

It's out at the moment.

We've got plenty of handguns?

Glock 17?

Let me just get that for you.

Ammunition is in the case.

Can you have it back by Thursday?

Yeah, yeah.

Have you still got the Browning?

No, no, I brought that back last week.

It's saying it's still out.

Where is it then?

Les?

Did you get the Worcester sauce?

Oh, Leslie!

Well, I'll go now.

No, no, it's not essential.

Look, I'm sorry.

Just be a bit bland.

Well I will go.

No, you're home now.

Don't worry.

I'll add some Bovril.

Hello boys.

How are you today?

What's wrong with you?

You all right?

I thought we could have it on trays.

It's hard to move quickly

when you only eat plants

It's a three-toed sloth

The sloth hangs from branches, eating plants

Bland?

Delicious.

I don't know how I'm going to finish this

in time for the Southern Counties.

What I was thinking?

You'll get it done.

Sloths are not exactly enthusiastic eaters,

but meals takes up a sizeable proportion of the day,

it's a constant cycle.

Yep.

Bland.

My life was long enough

and full of distress.

Unlike my death,

which was quick and painless.

The time is 8:19

and now a summary of this morning's news.

This one goes the whole way round.

120 nights.

Imagine,

wouldn't that be incredible?

There's places here I've never even heard of.

Nuku'Alofa.

Nuku'Alofa.

It's in Tonga.

And they've got an offer on if you book early.

Listen love, about that...

Oh Les, you said this year.

You said that you were going to retire this year

and we could go 'round the world.

No, I said I'd think about retiring

and I have thought about it and I've decided

that I'm not ready.

Don't worry, the world will still be there next year.

But will we, Leslie?

You should be enjoying life,

not working yourself into an early grave.

I love my work.

And what about Harvey?

I thought he wanted to give more work to the youngsters?

He can do what he likes.

I've already fulfilled his stupid quota.

You have?

Yes.

The money just needs to be transferred, that's all.

At least you can be happy for me?

Budgies can fly

at over 90 kilometers per hour,

and cover huge territories,

Leslie O'Neil.

Mr O'Neil?

Yeah.

It's William Morrison.

I've transferred the money.

But I have a few things I want to do first,

so I was wondering if you could give me a rough idea

in terms of timescale.

William, this isn't a good time.

I'm at work.

What?

Right now?

What, you're going to kill someone right now?

Wait, it's not me, is it?

No, it isn't you.

Oh.

Bye, William.

Book idea.

An assassin who only kills people who want to die.

I was hoping it would be you.

Have a nice death.

He holds death in his hand

and delivers it with the precision of a surgeon.

I'm not quite dead.

Oh my god!

I'm so sorry, Mrs Rehmann.

I'll have another go.

Benevolently shuffling lesser beings

off their mortal coil.

Oh, that's very good Penny.

Oh, thank you, Clive.

It will be if I can get it right.

- A - hard-drinking enigma.

Single malt his only companion.

A man of action and unique skills.

Oh Les, you didn't have anything else?

He lies in wait, ready to pounce.

Stalking his prey with a ruthless efficiency.

A master of stealth.

Do you want this?

You don't want it?

- A - connoisseur of concealment.

Moving in the shadows, he sees all, but is never seen.

The grim reaper.

Abbadon the destroyer.

To look at him is to look into the face of death.

A lone wolf.

Taciturn.

What the hell are you doing?

I've only been gone about five minutes.

No, no.

Sorry, Sir.

It's already in the system.

Oh to hell with you

and your stupid hat and your stupid scooter!

Unknowable.

He hasn't chosen this life.

It has chosen him.

Hello?

Oh, is this William Morrison?

Yeah.

Oh, thank god.

You're not dead.

I'm working on it.

Well, that's great.

I thought I might be too late.

Sorry, who are you?

My name is Ellie Adams and I work at Steeden & Sons.

The publishers?

Yeah, I want to talk to you about your book.

What about it?

I read it.

Really?

Yeah.

The whole thing?

Yeah.

You're pretty fucked up.

No offense.

None taken.

I want to set up a meeting with my boss.

How's next week?

No!

No, I can't, um, anything sooner?

Okay.

Actually something just canceled tomorrow lunchtime.

How's that?

Yeah.

I should be able to make it.

Perfect.

Do you know Fantacci's?

Yep.

One o'clock?

Okay.

Great.

Just please don't kill yourself in the meantime.

Or if you do, can you let me know

and I'll cancel the table?

Thanks!

Morning.

Sorry, I was having a sandwich.

I just wanted to ask a favor.

You're not having second thoughts, are you?

No, no, not at all.

I just wondered if we could postpone?

Postpone?

Yes.

I had a call from a publisher's

and they're interested in my book.

They wanted to meet me next week, but I said absolutely not

So we're having lunch at one tomorrow at Fantacci's.

Do you know it?

But you still want to die?

Absolutely.

Because we have a contract.

You can plead all you like, lots of people do,

but it's non-refundable.

You did read the small print?

You're only alive because I haven't killed you yet.

It will be a temporary hiatus.

It would mean a lot to me.

Okay.

Sure.

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

All right.

Prego prego

Anywhere you may go

Make each day be a day full of fun

Hello, sir, can I help you?

Hello, I have a meeting with Ellie Adams.

The young lady sitting right there.

Oh.

Ellie?

You didn't kill yourself.

I managed not to.

Brian is on his way.

Tell me.

You've thought a lot about dying, right?

More than most.

Would you rather be eaten by sharks or mauled by a bear?

Uh, I think sharks.

They seem more efficient.

I wouldn't recommend lions.

I tried jumping into the lion enclosure at the zoo once,

but all the lions were asleep.

After 10 minutes I had to climb out again.

That's funny.

Did you know that there are more people killed every year

by hippos than by lions, sharks and bears combined.

I mean, that's an embarrassing way to die.

To be killed by a hippo.

My parents were killed by a hippo.

Oh.

Sorry.

I'm joking.

My parents weren't killed by a hippo.

Oh, ha.

They died in a car crash.

So, your book.

You're very interesting

In a good way?

Ah, here comes Brian.

Well, you can tell him from me he's a fucking moron.

In fact worse, he's an idiot.

A big fucking idiot.

No, idiot is worse than moron.

Idiot is the worst.

Officially, it's a medical term.

Extreme mental retardation.

Idiot, imbecile, moron, that's the sequence.

Do you know what's after moron?

Cretin?

No, cretin is different.

Cretin is more of a physical thing.

Just do it will you or you're both fired!

Your mum's not retarded or anything is she?

My mum's dead.

Oh, thank god for that!

That would have been awkward!

This is Brian Bentley.

My boss at the company.

We love the book.

Fucking dark.

It's dull by the way.

I wouldn't say that.

Admittedly I haven't read it, but Ellie loves it.

Says it could be huge.

Are you on Twitter?

I meant after moron.

Oh, the retards thing!

Yeah, that's right, dull.

You know, I once had a girlfriend who was dull.

Officially...

We were talking about William's book.

Oh, yeah.

So look, we want to turn it into a sort of

Idiots Guide to Suicide.

What do you think?

Not medical idiots obviously.

I mean, I doubt those guys can fucking read.

It sounds awful.

That's not really what, no,

Brian meant that we want to use the core of

your book to give a personal insight

into the world of suicide.

Have you really tried to kill yourself seven times?

10, if you count cries for help.

Jesus!

You don't seem that disturbed.

When Ellie told me about this I thought you'd be trying

to cut your wrists with the bread knife.

You know there's a bravery in your writing

to acknowledge that the world's obsession with the banal

is simply a distraction from the nagging fear

that our existence has no meaning.

People are discontented and lonely.

I think your book will connect with them.

Plus people love shit that's depressing,

makes them feel better about their own crappy lives.

Hey, do you really think you will kill yourself?

Probably.

Great.

Just thinking we could coincide it with a paperback release.

Well, if he's going to do it anyway!

I actually wanted to ask about posthumous publication?

Just hypothetically.

We really want to work with you.

I'm so pleased you like my book,

but this guide idea,

it sounds like a lot of work

and I don't have much time at the moment.

Killing yourself keeping you busy?

You wouldn't have to do it all yourself.

Ellie would be your editor.

If that's okay?

This is great opportunity, mate.

Once in a lifetime, ironically.

This is a chance for you to say

what you want and be heard.

Yes.

What is that exactly?

That death is nothing to fear.

It's what we all have in common.

There is something reassuring in that.

Makes me feel less adrift.

Jesus Christ!

I'm not publishing your book

just because you need a fucking hug.

It's got to sell.

That's the problem these days,

everyone feels a need to express every detail

of their pathetic lives

to remind us of their existence.

I tweet therefore I am.

No one fucking cares!

I'd rather shoot myself in the head

than have to listen to the opinions of these...

Oh balls.

William, get down!

Have a good death.

What are you doing?

Cock.

I think it's stopped.

Aren't you going to thank me?

For what?

I just saved your life.

I'm having mixed feelings about that.

Jesus.

Poor Brian.

Do you think he's dead?

Half his face was missing.

There goes my book deal.

You smoke?

I didn't think anyone smoked any more.

You know this is a non-smoking restaurant.

I don't think they'll care.

Leslie?

Hello, love.

What is it?

Oh, it's nothing.

After 36 years of marriage

I think I know something when I see it.

Well I,

I made a terrible mistake at work.

Oh Les, don't worry.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Not me.

Not like this.

Harvey's going to kill me.

Oh, I'm sure he'll understand.

I mean, it's not like anyone died, is it?

I'll put the kettle on.

You'll never guess who else is entered

her cushion into the Southern Counties.

Who?

Only Morag effing Bleasdale.

Who's Morag Bleasdale?

Who's Morag Bleasdale?

She's only the best needlecrafter in the home counties!

She's won everything!

There's no way I'll beat her.

Yes, you will.

I knew I shouldn't have done a cushion.

I'm out of my comfort zone.

I would have thought a cushion

would make it more comfortable.

This is not a joke, Leslie!

Morag Bleasdale!

Not to mention Sue Simmons, and Clive!

Don't forget Clive.

He beat me twice last year and that was just local,

this is the Southern Counties.

As I say, it's not about winning.

And like I say, it is about winning.

I'm not cross-stitching a cushion

for 30 hours to come unplaced!

You are better than Morag Bleasdale,

Sue Simmons and Clive.

They're really good.

But you are better.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

I'm just checking something.

Now tell me what happened at work

and what I can do to help.

No, that's all right, love.

I'll sort it myself.

To miss once was unlucky, to miss again, unthinkable.

Since signing the contract,

his problems hadn't seemed so bad,

except one.

And that could happen at any moment.

Hey.

How do you know where I live?

It was on your manuscript.

Running into one another

Outside a cafe in Paris

I thought we could start work on your book.

But I thought...

I've got nothing else on.

I'm on compassionate leave.

You know, for the trauma.

Can I have one?

And are you?

What?

Traumatized?

Oh yeah.

Totally.

Yeah, a man was shot right in front of us.

That's gonna, obviously it's...

But I probably will get promoted now, so,

well, he was a total dick!

And I mean, as I said to the police,

loads of people wanted him dead.

Are you working on something new?

No, that's...

Your know my friend does these new writing nights.

You should come.

There's music, beer,

other fuck ups.

So how do you want this to work?

I've had some ideas on the structure.

I think we should meet every couple of days...

That sounds great, but I told you, I can't.

Of course you can.

No, I'm sorry.

Do you really want to be stuck in this flat

your whole life?

Look at it.

It's no wonder you want to kill yourself.

You don't get it.

I get that I connected with your book

and I think other people will too.

Isn't that what you're looking for?

Something to feel less, what did you say?

Adrift?

But I...

What?

I have something to tell you.

I employed the guy who killed Brian.

Why would you employ someone to kill Brian?

No, I employed him to kill me.

But he missed and killed Brian.

What?

Well, I wasn't having much luck on my own

so I thought I'd outsource it.

Outsource it?

You outsource market research,

you outsource website design,

you don't outsource suicide.

I did.

What happens now Brian's dead and you're not?

I don't know.

The contract lasts a week.

Great!

And what about our book?

You know what?

You have to postpone it.

Post, what?

Or call it off.

I don't know.

You got his number?

You just, you call him and tell him the deal's off.

But I think it's a non-refundable kind of thing.

I signed a contract.

Non-refundable?

Mm-hmm.

You've agreed to be killed by a hitman,

I doubt that's legally binding.

Call him.

Shit.

Fucking thing.

Um, hello.

Hello.

How are you?

Yes, I'm fine.

You?

Good, thank you.

In fact, I've been thinking and I'm thinking

that I might want to call it off.

What?

Sorry about that.

But you signed a contract.

Yes, I know, but look, things have changed...

Didn't you read the small print?

We've got an agreement.

We have a contract.

It's not legally binding!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Take some responsibility!

I'm doing the best I can.

I'm one kill away and now you want to call it off.

Oh look, I tell you what, fuck you.

We need to go.

Oh!

You found carousel to ride around

Take the mess out of his specs

And the size of his arm

Force him to dress in black

Then make him hold holster

While you shoot him in the back

And you say I'm only writing songs

Son, get off your ass and get a proper job

Here.

What?

Oi, what are you...

No, I'm sorry but it's already in the system.

Oi!

Go, go!

Where are we going?

I know somewhere!

Just a tin tan toy

A big fat boy

Oh, for God's sake.

Oh, boy

Oh, boy

Oh, boy

Ahhhh

I'm just a tin pan boy

Gonna take my toys

Hey, you, Mr. Inheritor

Hey, you, Mr. Inheritor

You're just a tin pan toy

A big fat boy

Hey, you, Mr. Inheritor

Hey, you, Mr. Inheritor

Boy

Oh, boy

Oh, boy

Boy

Boy

I'll do wine.

You do fire.

Hello, Les.

Harvey.

So, we're in a bit of shit here.

Harvey...

You are the source of that shit.

You're a shit factory.

An incontinent shit factory.

But, I'm fixing it.

How are you doing that?

By shooting a traffic warden?

That was an accident.

You're a real black spot at the moment, aren't you?

Worse than the fucking A14.

The problem, Leslie, is that our business

is life and death and we can't afford to have accidents,

understand?

We're professionals.

We don't miss.

Whoever heard of an assassin with a shaky hand?

You don't see Michael J Fox running around

shooting people, do you?

And why not?

Because he'd be fucking terrible at it.

No, Michael J Fox sticks to raising money for his charity.

He doesn't even do much acting anymore,

which is a shame because I'm a big fan of Michael J Fox.

Back to the Future, Secret of my Success...

Stuart Little.

Why mention that?

Why bring that up?

He's in it.

Only the voice, only the fucking voice.

Now, if you'd said Doc Hollywood, I'd agree with you.

Teen Wolf.

Teen Wolf, exactly.

But he doesn't do films anymore

because he knows he's not up to it.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Not really.

Let me explain.

You're done.

What do you mean?

Okay,

no there's no clearer way I can say this.

You are done.

You can't fire me.

You haven't made your quota.

But I'm only one hit away.

Listen Shakin' Stevens.

You missed, twice.

You've had a good run.

But as of now...

We even got you a present.

Look at that.

Fucking lovely.

Wha, for shooting a traffic warden?

Come on!

No one gives a fuck about traffic wardens.

No, you shot the womble in the restaurant.

This is the reason the guild was set up

and you've jeopardized the entire thing.

Rules, regulations, contracts,

without those you're just a tit with a gun.

But the target ducked when I took a shot at him.

It could happen to anyone.

To be honest it could've been worse.

There was a contract out on the guy you shot anyway.

Oh, Jesus.

What are the chances?

The universe works in ways

that people like us will never understand.

Brian Bentley.

Here, you can read all about it.

So, um,

if I completed the contract...

Don't get cheeky.

Pavel was furious when he found out.

He'd just put a deposit on a new car.

So, what happens now?

You take your zimmer frame

and fuck off into the sunset of retirement.

Just don't take up golf.

Golf is for cunts.

But if I finish this contract I can make my quota.

It's been reassigned.

Who to?

Ivan.

Look at him.

Like a fucking bear with alopecia.

They're hardcore, these Russians.

It's a different game now, Les.

You're getting out at the best time.

But this is what I do.

Not any more.

This job means everything to me.

Killing people gives me a reason to live!

It's a terrible thing, getting old.

Please, Harvey.

I'm begging you.

It's so close.

This is no way for me to go out.

You can't fucking go around fucking shooting people!

It's not what we fucking do!

What happened to you, Mr. One-foot-in-the-fucking-grave?

You were the best and now look at you!

Hanging around Beachy Head,

handing out your fucking business cards.

It's desperate.

There's no shame in it.

We all get old.

Now take the fucking clock.

I'm not taking the clock.

Take the fucking clock, Leslie.

Or you will find things getting a whole lot fucking worse.

No.

He's become a liability.

Someone should shoot him in the fucking head.

Here.

Did you try again?

It passed.

I failed to kill myself so many times

I began to think I might be immortal.

I guarantee you're not immortal.

You're just terrible at dying.

Whose house is this?

Ummm, no idea.

What?

I just really hope they don't come home tonight.

What?

You can't go breaking into people's houses!

Yeah, and you can't go employing an assassin to kill you,

but shit happens.

I'm sorry, okay?

I thought it was the answer, but it was a mistake.

Relax, it's my house.

I grew up here.

It was my parents' but now it's mine.

How did they die?

I told you.

Car crash.

God.

I was dead too.

For 10 seconds.

Really?

What was it like?

It was only 10 seconds.

Yes, but what did it feel like?

It felt like nothing.

Literally nothing.

A total empty void.

Oh.

My parents are dead too.

Well, look at us.

Two scarred orphans.

They were crushed.

Crushed?

We went for ice cream.

My parents were arm in arm,

taking licks of each other's ice creams,

laughing.

So much in love.

They didn't see the piano fall

Mum was splattered all over the pavement.

Dad was still alive.

Dad, dad!

He looked so surprised.

Hold on, Dad!

Come here, son.

And I thought, "Oh my god, this is it."

"At this moment, on the very edge of life,"

"he's about to give me its great secret."

But he just died.

That's...

That's life's great trick,

to make you think it'll last forever,

that you might be the exception.

That's what's so unbearable, when you realize

that you're not.

Let's do it.

What?

Kill ourselves.

What, now?

Yeah, why not?

Why are we struggling on?

I mean, for what purpose?

Best to just kill ourselves now and get it over with.

Up!

Come on!

Though if there are reasons to live

I'm not sure we'll find them by killing ourselves.

Seems counter-intuitive.

I would think we would have a better chance by living.

Living as much as possible.

Doing as much as possible.

Before a piano falls on our heads.

But I'm sure you're right.

You have thought about it more than me.

On three?

One,

two,

three.

Your feet are so cold!

What've you got that for?

I'm gonna book the cruise.

I don't want to talk about it.

I know you're upset, but it's exciting.

The start of the rest of our lives.

The start of the end of our lives.

Oh, Les, that's a bit...

I just don't want to talk about it.

It's retirement, that's all.

But it means I'm useless.

Think of all the new experiences waiting for you.

You should learn to play golf.

Ugghh!

Golf is for...

I mean, look at this!

Look at this, do you remember this?

You gave this to me, Christmas, 1997.

Look, I was a the top of my game.

I had dominion over death itself.

And now?

I'm just waiting to die.

If I don't work, who am I?

What am I?

I mean, you must look at me sometimes and think,

"Where's the man I married?"

You're right.

You're not the man I married.

The man I married didn't wallow in self-pity.

He did things on his own terms.

I don't want to retire.

Not yet, I'm not ready.

Oh for god's sake!

Then don't.

I thought you wanted me to.

I do.

But not if you're going to be miserable.

I want you to want it too.

Yeah, but I can't, Harvey is...

You've got to show him.

Finish the contract and make your quota.

Show him you've still got the killer instinct.

Done!

Could you choose how to you wanted to die?

With Leslie?

Yeah.

Yes.

There were lots of options.

He had a brochure.

A brochure?

Yeah.

What did you choose?

Quick and painless.

I didn't want that, but it's all I could afford.

What did you want?

I wanted to be hit by a truck

after pushing a child out of the way.

What's wrong with that?

It's a bit extravagant.

I thought it was heroic.

It would mean something.

But it wouldn't be real, would it?

Well...

And what if you hadn't got there in time?

What do you mean?

If you hadn't got there in time.

If you misjudged the speed of the truck or something,

you'd put a child in danger

just so you could have your dream death?

Well, uh, I guess the child wouldn't be

in any real danger.

How could the child not be in any real danger

if it's about to be hit by a truck?

I don't know the details.

I guess the truck would be going quite slowly.

So you'd be saving a child

that's not really in any danger

from a truck going quite slowly.

On a scale of things that could be considered heroic,

I doubt that would score very highly.

Hmmmm, I dunno.

What were the other options?

Oh, you know.

Shot in the head, strangled, poisoned.

Anything more interesting?

Stung by a scorpion?

Melted in acid?

Drowned in slurry?

I've never met anyone like you.

Now, see what you could've missed out on?

And it only gets better from here.

Did you take your pills?

You know what the doctor said.

I don't want you getting excited.

Yes love, don't worry.

What time is Clive coming?

He should've been here by now.

We have to register by 10.

You really think it's up to Southern Counties standard?

I'm not embarrassing myself?

Of course not.

I think it's up to national standard!

I wish you were coming.

I've made you some sandwiches.

And a flask of tea.

And I thought, well,

I thought this might come in handy.

Penelope O'Neil,

I don't think it is possible to love you any more than I do

right now.

And you'll be back tomorrow?

Yeah.

I'll do lamb cutlets for dinner.

Ahhh, my favorite!

Where are you going?

That'll be Clive.

Wish me luck!

Good luck.

See you tomorrow, boys

World's strongest man

and celebrity budgie fancier Geoff Capes

in the studio to discuss his recessive...

Now this, number three, has a lovely kaleidoscope.

Hello, is it on?

Hello, yes, that's better.

And in third place, number 14, Sue Simmons.

Well done, Sue!

And in second place,

not quite up to her usual all-conquering standard,

Morag Bleasdale!

So sorry, Morag.

Well done, Morag!

Beautiful work.

But as we all know its not the taking part,

it's the winning that counts.

So the winner of this year's Southern Counties

Binnual Needlework and Embroidery competition,

cushion category is, drum roll please.

Hello, William.

How did you...

I told you I was up to the job.

But everything has changed!

I don't want to die.

The irony is not lost on me.

Who are you talking...

Oh.

Oh, great!

Now I have to kill you both.

No!

Please, she won't say anything.

Will you?

She won't.

I might.

No, you won't!

Okay, well, ummm, you're definitely dying,

so let's get that out of the way first,

and then I can work out what to do with you.

So, um, have a good death.

Oh!

Sorry.

Oh.

Jesus, can't you turn it off?

Yes, I really have to take this.

Sure.

Go ahead.

It's only my life that we're dealing with here.

Hello, sweetheart?

Yes, uh, I'm sort of in the middle of something.

Oh, Les!

Something terrible's happened.

What?

Is this about the Southern Counties?

We've had a break in, Les.

There's papers everywhere.

And, Les, they've killed the budgies.

What?

Is everything okay?

They look like they've been crushed.

Ah, ah, all right, I have to go.

Oh Les, who would do this?

I'll work it out, but ah, I have to go.

Someone killed my budgies.

Budgies?

Mm-hmm

I'm sorry.

So, where were we?

Ah, yes!

Who the fuck are you?

Well, thanks.

That guy was going to kill us!

Oh.

What?

Now, you shoot yourself.

What?

Why would I want to do that?

Or I shoot her.

Don't bring me into this.

Okay, okay.

Let's not...

Wait, why do I have to shoot myself?

Why can't you do it?

For suicide.

You shot him

then you shot you.

I was never here.

Ah yeah, makes sense.

And you'll let her go?

Well then I have no incentive.

If you're going to kill her anyway,

okay, okay.

Wait a minute.

You shot him with that gun

so he can't shoot himself with this gun.

Yeah, she's got a point.

I don't understand.

You take this gun and then you give me that one.

Okay, now shoot.

Okay, Jesus!

Just let me,

oh God.

Will, what are you doing?

Five.

I just want you to know...

Four.

I just want you to know that ever since I met you

I haven't thought about killing myself once.

Three.

Thank you.

Two.

One.

You killed my budgies.

I think he's dead.

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Oh, it's only a, it's a flesh wound.

Well, I suppose we'd better get on with this!

Oh fuck.

What, but you just saved him!

So I can kill him.

It's my contract!

It's not legally binding!

Oh, you're not going to shoot me.

You can't even shoot yourself!

Oh, give it here.

Oh, this is getting ridiculous.

Put the gun down.

You will not shoot that gun.

Whoa, careful!

Put the gun down.

You put the gun down.

I'm not putting the gun down.

Why would I put the gun down?

If you're not putting your gun down

there's no way I'm gonna put this gun down.

Then let's just stand here until you bleed to death.

Leslie, I really appreciate all your efforts,

but could we just call this off?

If it's about the money, then...

It's not about the money.

Then what is it?

I understand that you have certain principles.

If I don't complete this contract by next week,

I won't make my quota.

And then I'll have to retire.

Yeah well, umm,

uh, no, the only way out of this is to, uh,

is to kill you both and then say I never saw him.

Maybe then I'll be able to keep my job.

If she puts her gun down, will you promise to let her go?

My contract is with you.

I wanted to die because I had nothing to live for.

And that's what I was trying to find.

And now I found it.

And that's got to be worth dying for.

You really think too much.

I want to thank you, Leslie.

You were there for me when I really needed someone,

even though you were trying to kill me at the time.

Yes, you're welcome,

but I still have to kill you.

Okay.

Wait!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

What?

What if we take out a contract?

What?

On who?

You mean on whom?

On whom?

Retrospectively?

Obviously.

Well, this is, uhh, utterly irregular.

Who's to know?

Then you'll have your contract and make your quota.

What about the money?

I've got 2,000 pounds in an escrow account

you could have.

Do you have any paper?

Yes!

Yes I do, I...

I don't need it.

We should take a look at that ear.

I've probably got some Savlon somewhere.

Wait, one thing I don't understand,

how did you know where we were?

Well, uh, there was a background check on you.

On?

There isn't a...

No, no, it wasn't you, it was for your boss.

Apparently he was very unpopular.

So he didn't die because of me?

Oh, yes he did.

But someone would have got to him sooner or later.

What are you going to do now?

I have an idea for a new book.

The main character at least.

You're a good man, William.

I'm glad I didn't kill you.

Thanks, Leslie.

I'm glad I didn't die.

Hello, what's this?

I was worried.

What happened?

Oh, you should see the other guy!

So?

So?

The Southern Counties?

Ah, first place!

You got first place?

Yep.

And Morag Bleasdale?

Second.

That's fantastic.

It's just the Southern Counties.

Ahhh, so now it's just the Southern Counties!

Oh, I am so proud of you.

Hello Penny, is Leslie home?

Penny, could you give me and Harvey a minute, please?

You sure?

Yes.

Midsomer Murders is on in a minute.

So, why are you here, Harvey?

You know.

No, I don't.

You know.

And I know you know.

I don't know.

Mr. Morrison is still alive.

Really?

And no one's heard from Ivan the terrible hitman.

Well, you can't trust these foreign kids, can you?

You should have asked me to do the job.

What do you take me for?

I'm not one of your senior fucking Alzheimer friends.

I'm actually a little bit impressed.

I didn't think you were up to it.

I told you.

Yeah, you did.

And I told you to take the fucking clock.

You don't have to do this.

Have a bit of fucking pride, eh?

No, I mean, um,

I mean this.

What is it?

It's a contract.

What?

On Ivan.

You must be fucking...

All right.

Where's the money?

I think you'll find two grand of Mr. Morrison's

in the escrow account.

But that was...

No, he's still alive so it's his money.

No, you can't take on new contracts!

You're retired.

I hadn't made my quota!

Now I have.

You're taking the piss.

Why can't you just retire like a normal fucking person?

I am an assassin.

That's what I do, and that's who I am.

You're a fucking dead man.

Ah, like that is it?

Under the table?

Right now?

Right now under the table?

Take a look.

Fuck.

Now, wait a sec, all right?

Leslie!

Please, Penny.

Hasn't Midsomer Murders started yet?

It was a bit grisly.

And I wanted to show Harvey my cushion.

I won first prize in the Southern Counties Biannual

Needlecraft and Embroidery competition, cushion class.

Oh yeah.

What are they supposed to be?

They're turtle doves, a mating pair.

Interesting thing about turtle doves is they mate for life.

They stay together, grow old together and when one dies,

the other one tends to die soon after.

They absolutely need each other.

Sweet really.

Huh.

Is that for Les?

Look at that!

Oh!

Isn't that something!

Les?

Isn't that something?

I think he's a bit scared of retirement.

But I said to him, it's exciting.

Time to enjoy himself, didn't I, Les?

The start of the rest of our lives.

Isn't that right, Les?

Is that right, Leslie?

Did I tell you?

We're going on a cruise!

'Round the whole world!

Cape Town, Sydney,

Nuku'Alofa.

Hmmm?

It's in Tonga.

Ah.

It's a trip of a lifetime, that's what they say.

Awww, thank you for this, Harvey.

It'll look perfect on the mantelpiece.

Isn't that kind of Harvey, Les?

Thank you, Harvey.

Anyway,

I'd best be off.

Leave you to your evening.

You not stopping for tea, Harvey?

We've got herbal.

No, no, you're all right.

Enjoy your retirement, Leslie.

We're sorry to lose you.

Send our love to Sandra.

Mmm.

I'm not sorry.

I know you loved your job, but it's not all you are.

At least not to me.

What would I do without you?

I'm just pleased I didn't have to stick him.

So, uh, did they like it?

Seemed to.

They love the assassin character.

And they want to meet you next week.

That's great.

You can make that?

Yes, I think I can make that.

So this living thing's really not that bad, is it?

Well, you never know when a piano

is going to fall on your head.

William!

William!

Call an ambulance, call an ambulance!

William!

Is, is he...

What, yes, yes, he's fine, he's fine.

You saved him.

What about you?

I've definitely felt better.

Here, lie down with me.

Are they clapping?

Yeah, they're clapping.

Perfect.

Darkness falls across the land

And I'd do anything just to hold your hand

Where the angels sing a song

Come on through

Well, I fly through the night to get home to you

Home to you

Darkness falls across the land

And I'd do anything just to hold your hand

Where the angels sing a song

Come on through

Well, I fly through the night to get home to you

Home to you

Darkness falls across the land

And I'd do anything just to hold your hand

Where the angels sing a song

Come on through

Well, I fly through the night to get home to you

Home to you

Subtitles by explosiveskull

With the taste of dark between my teeth

And the crashing of waves underneath my feet

Gonna give myself to the endless gloom

Fly through the night to get home to you

Home to you

Darkness falls across the land

And I'd do anything just to hold your hand

Where the angels sing a song

Come on through

Well, I fly through the night to get home to you

Home to you

Darkness falls across the land

And I'd do anything just to hold your hand

Where the angels sing a song

Come on through

Well, I'd fly through the night to get home to you

Home to you

I fly through the night

To get home to you

The angels sing and come on through

I fly through the night

To get home to you

To get home to you

So come on through

To be back by your side

I'd do anything to be back by your side

Curtain's call, but I just can't go

'Cause you came and you saw

Pinned my soul to the gray oh gray

And it won't be long

So I fly and fly to get back home

To get home to you

Darkness falls across the land

And I'd do anything just hold your hand

Where the angels sing a song

Come on through

Well, I'd fly through the night to get home to you

Home to you

Curtain's call, but I just can't go

'Cause you came and you saw

Pinned my soul to the gray, oh gray

Of the world we know

So I fly and I fly to get back home

To get home to you

Darkness falls across the land

And I'd do anything just hold your hand

Where the angels sing a song

Come on through

And I fly through the night to get home to you

Home to you

Darkness falls across the land

And I'd do anything just to hold your hand

When the angels sing a song

Come on through

And I fly through the night to get home to you

Home to you

Curtain's call, but I just can't go

'Cause you came and you saw

Pinned my soul to the gray, oh gray

Of the world we know

So I fly and I fly to get back home

To get home to you

I fly through the night

To get home to you

The angels sing

And come on through

I fly through the night

To get home to you

To get home to you

So come on through

I'd do anything to be back by your side

I'd do anything to be back by your side

The angels sing

And come on through

The angels sing

And come on through

I fly through the night

To get home to you

To get home to you

To get home to you

So come on through

Darkness falls across the land

And I'd do anything just to hold your hand

When the angels sing a song

Come on through

And I'd fly through the night to get home to you

Home to you

Darkness falls across the land

And I'd do anything just to hold your hand

Where the angels sing a song

Come on through

And I'd fly through the night to get home to you

Home to you