Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

YOU MAY THINK IT STRANGE THAT I, RENE ARTOIS,

SHOULD BE BREAKING INTO MY OWN CAFE

AT THE DEAD OF NIGHT DRESSED AS A PRIEST.

THERE IS, OF COURSE, A VERY GOOD REASON FOR THIS.

IN THIS DISGUISE I INTENDED TO RECEIVE,

THROUGH THE WINDOW OF THE CONFESSIONAL BOX,

A BAR OF GOLD FROM COLONEL VON STROM.

IN RETURN I WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE HIM THIS BUNDLE OF FORGED BANK NOTES.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE REAL PRIEST RETURNED UNEXPECTEDLY.

AND SO ALL I WAS ABLE TO DO WAS TO HEAR MY WIFE EDITH CONFESS

THAT SHE SUSPECTED ME OF HAVING AFFAIRS WITH MY WAITRESSES.

NEEDLESS TO SAY I ADMONISHED HER SEVERELY

FOR HAVING SUCH BASELESS THOUGHTS

AND SENT HER BACK WITH A FLEA IN HER EAR

AND 200 HAIL MARYS.

- AH! - OH, RENE.

IT IS YOU.

HOLD ME TO YOU. STOP ME TREMBLING WITH FEAR.

OH, RENE, I CAME DOWN BECAUSE I THOUGHT

THERE WAS SOMETHING STIRRING IN THE DARKNESS.

THERE IS. IT IS ME.

- ( sighs ) - THANK HEAVENS YOU ARE SAFE.

CRUSH MY FRIGHTENED BODY IN YOUR ARMS.

HUG THE FEAR OUT OF ME.

NOT WHILE I HAVE THIS HAT ON.

OH, RENE.

OH, YVETTE.

RENE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN YOUR UNDERWEAR

WITH THE SERVANT GIRL IN HER NIGHTGOWN?!

YOU STUPID WOMAN!

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO JOIN YOU UPSTAIRS

WHEN I HEARD A PROWLER AND CAME TO INVESTIGATE.

DO YOU NOT REALIZE IT IS A MORTAL SIN

TO HARBOR SUCH JEALOUS THOUGHTS?

OH, YOU ARE RIGHT.

I AM SO FAR FROM BEING PERFECT FOR YOU.

I MUST DRIVE OUT THIS WICKEDNESS THAT IS WITHIN ME!

OUT! OUT, WICKED THOUGHTS!

- OUT! - EDITH, STOP IT!

THESE ARE 100 FRANCS A DOZEN.

DO YOU THINK I AM MADE OF MONEY?

NOW TAKE YOUR CANDLE AND GO OFF TO BED.

YVETTE AND I WILL LOCK UP. GO ON.

OH, RENE,

YOU ARE SUCH A FINE MAN. I DO NOT DESERVE YOU.

GOODNESS SHINES OUT OF YOUR NOBLE FACE.

- WILL YOU BE LONG? - WELL, I WILL JUST READ A CHAPTER OR TWO

FROM THE GOOD BOOK AND THEN I WILL BE WITH YOU.

OH, THAT WAS A NARROW SQUEAK.

OH, LET US TAKE THE GOLD NOW AND ESCAPE

- BEFORE OUR LUCK RUNS OUT. - IT HAS ALREADY RUN OUT.

I HAD TO LEAVE THE CHURCH BEFORE THE COLONEL ARRIVED WITH THE GOLD.

I STILL HAVE THIS FORGED MONEY.

OH NO, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

WELL, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO READ TWO CHAPTERS?

- OH RENE. - OH YVETTE.

- ( knocks on door ) - OH! OH.

- WHAT'S HAPPENED? - I THINK IT IS THE COLONEL.

Von Strom: OPEN THE DOOR! WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!

( bell dings )

UP AGAINST THE BAR.

HANDS UP!

WE HAVE-A BEEN-A DIDDLED!

THE COLONEL HANDED OVER THE GOLD AND WE GOT NOTHING.

EXCEPT-A THE HAIL-A THE MARYS.

THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

I-I-I HAVE JUST HAD A VISIT FROM A MAN OF THE CHURCH

WHO I DO NOT KNOW. HE GAVE ME THIS MONEY,

SAYING, "GIVE THESE NOTES UNTO THE MAN,

YEA, EVEN UNTO HE WHO GAVE THE GOLD UNTO THE CHURCH,

VERILY."

HE MUST'VE MEANT YOU, COLONEL.

RENE, I KNEW YOU WOULD NOT LET US DOWN.

WELL, I WAS AS MYSTIFIED AS YOU,

- BEING JUST THE MAN IN BETWEEN. - ( knocks on door )

- ( Rene gasps ) - WHO'S THAT?

WE MUST NOT BE SEEN. CAN WE USE THE BACK PASSAGE?

YES, OF COURSE. TURN RIGHT OUTSIDE THE BACK DOOR.

SEE YOU LATER THEN?

- IT IS THE PRIEST. - OH, HECK.

- ( bell dings ) - MY SON, I HAVE GOOD NEWS.

THIS NIGHT, THIS GOLD WAS HANDED UNTO ME.

I WISH IT TO GO TO THE RESISTANCE, WHO I DO NOT KNOW.

WELL, I DO NOT KNOW THEM EITHER!

BUT I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO DOES KNOW THEM.

TAKE IT AND GO IN PEACE, MY SON.

AND TRY TO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE SERVANTS.

I HAVE NOT CONFESSED ANYTHING. HAVE YOU?

WELL, JUST A LITTLE BIT,

YOU KNOW, TO STOP HIM FALLING ASLEEP.

OH, RENE, NOW THAT WE HAVE THE GOLD,

LET US ESCAPE TOGETHER NOW.

YVETTE, A SACRED TRUST HAS BEEN HANDED UNTO ME.

BESIDES, THE LAST BUS WENT FOUR HOURS AGO.

- Edith: RENE! - UH, COMING, DEAR!

( clears throat ) ♪ ALL THINGS BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL... ♪

HELGA IS HERE, HERR FLICK.

- BRING HER IN. - BRING HER IN HERE!

YOU SENT FOR ME, HERR FLICK?

YOU WERE AT THE CASTLE WHEN THE BRITISH AIRMEN

LEFT WITH THE OFFICERS FROM BERLIN.

YES, HERR FLICK.

THEY WERE IN FACT ABDUCTED BY THE RESISTANCE.

AT THE TIME, YOU WERE SMOOCHING WITH CAPTAIN BERTORELLI

WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF THE GUARD.

NOBODY NOTICED EXCEPT YOU.

PRECISELY. I COULD KEEP QUIET,

PROVIDING YOU PROMISE NOT TO SMOOCH WITH HIM AGAIN.

- I DID IT ONLY TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS. - YOU SUCCEEDED.

HE CAME BACK HERE AND HE JUMPED UP AND DOWN ON HIS GESTAPO HAT!

SILENCE, VON SMALLHAUSEN! GO TO YOUR CUPBOARD.

HELGA, WE LIVE IN DANGEROUS TIMES.

WE KNOW NOT WHAT FATE HAS IN STORE.

ONE DAY THE GESTAPO MAY BECOME UNPOPULAR.

- SURELY NOT. - TO SAFEGUARD AGAINST THIS,

I HAVE DECIDED TO SELL THE PORTRAIT OF THE FALLEN MADONNA

WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP FOR HARD CASH

IN CASE WE HAVE TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT.

VON SMALLHAUSEN IS MAKING AN EFFORT TO FIND A FENCE.

YOU, BEING A LANCE CORPORAL AND MIXING WITH LOWLY AND INFERIOR PEOPLE,

MAY BE ABLE TO BE OF ASSISTANCE.

I WILL DO MY INSIGNIFICANT BEST TO HELP YOU, HERR FLICK.

- GOOD. YOU MAY KISS ME. - LIKE WE DID IN THE OLD DAYS?

IF YOU INSIST. TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES.

THAT IS SUFFICIENT.

I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT AT THE HAIRDRESSER'S.

IT CAN WAIT.

RENE, MICHELLE WANTS YOU IN THE BACKROOM.

OH HECK, WILL SHE NEVER LEAVE US IN PEACE?

YVETTE, EDITH, BACKROOM, COME ON.

NOW LOOK, MICHELLE, EVERY SCHEME YOU HAVE EVER COME UP WITH

HAS BEEN SCREWED UP. I REFUSE TO HIDE THE AIRMEN ANY LONGER.

I AM GOING TO HAND THEM OVER TO THE GERMANS.

THERE WILL BE NO NEED. WE HAVE A BOLD PLAN

TO GET THEM BACK TO ENGLAND WHICH CANNOT FAIL.

EH, I HAVE HEARD THAT BEFORE.

THIS MUST BE A MOST UNUSUAL PLAN.

LOOK, DO NOT GET SARCASTIC WITH ME.

YOU COME AND RUN THE RESISTANCE AND I WILL STAY IN THE CAFE

AND SING... OFF THE NOTE.

HOW DARE YOU!?

LADIES, LADIES, PLEASE. THE STRAIN OF THE WAR HAS SHREDDED OUR NERVES.

LET US HEAR THE PLAN.

WE HAVE CAPTURED A BRAND-NEW BARRAGE BALLOON.

WHEN THERE IS A FAVORABLE WIND,

IT WILL BE INFLATED AT NIGHT BEHIND YOUR CAFE.

IT WILL CARRY THE AIRMEN TO ENGLAND.

A SPITFIRE WILL THEN SHOOT IN IT A FEW SMALL HOLES

AND IT WILL DESCEND GENTLY TO EARTH.

IT IS A DARING PLAN.

JUST A MINUTE. DO YOU THINK FOR ONE SECOND THE GERMANS WILL NOT NOTICE

A DAMN GREAT BARRAGE BALLOON IN MY BACK GARDEN?

THAT IS THE CLEVER BIT.

IT WILL BE DELIVERED WITH A MARQUEE

WHICH WILL BE ERECTED IN YOUR GARDEN.

FOR WHAT PURPOSE?

FOR THE WEDDING OF MADAME FANNY TO MONSIEUR LECLERC.

BUT THEIR WEDDING IS NOT FOR SIX WEEKS.

WHAT EXCUSE DO WE HAVE FOR MAKING IT SO SOON?

YOU WILL TELL THE VILLAGERS THAT IT IS TO BE A SHOTGUN WEDDING.

THEY WILL CERTAINLY BE THE OLDEST COUPLE

IN NOUVION TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE.

BUT WILL NOT THE BALLOON EXPLODE IF IT IS SHOT DOWN?

WE HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS. IT IS TO BE FILLED WITH HELIUM.

THIS IS A RARE GAS. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET IT?

THERE IS STILL SOME IN AN OLD AIRSHIP FACTORY.

IT IS HIDDEN IN SMALL CANISTERS

WHICH WILL BE DELIVERED TO YOU

DISGUISED AS PRIZE-WINNING VEGETABLE MARROWS.

BUT ARE THEY NOT OUT OF SEASON AT THIS TIME OF YEAR?

THEY ARE FROM ALGERIA.

THEY WILL BE DELIVERED TO YOU

BY A MAN DISGUISED AS AN ALGERIAN PRIZE-WINNING VEGETABLE MARROW SALESMAN.

AN EVERYDAY SIGHTING IN NOUVION, OF COURSE.

OH, THE RESISTANCE HAVE FIXED IT FOR FRIDAY.

MY MOTHER WILL NOT LIKE IT.

I DO NOT LIKE IT.

BUT YOU WILL BE DOING IT FOR FRANCE, MAMA.

AND YOU CAN HAVE A LOVELY RECEPTION IN THE MARQUEE.

I AM NOT WELL ENOUGH.

IS IT YOUR BAD LEG, MAMA?

NO NO NO NO, MY BAD LEG IS GOOD AT THE MOMENT.

EVERYTHING ELSE HAS PACKED UP.

THE DOCTOR HAS ORDERED THAT I SPEND FOUR WEEKS IN BED

BEFORE ATTEMPTING THAT JOURNEY UP THE AISLE.

WE CANNOT CHANGE THE PLANS, MAMA.

SOMEHOW THE GOOD LORD WILL GET YOU TO THE CHURCH.

WELL, I SUPPOSE IF HE WANTS ME THERE,

HE WILL FIX IT.

HAS HE ARRANGED A CAR?

THERE IS NO PETROL, MAMA.

OH, BUT I AM SURE MONSIEUR ALFONSE WILL TAKE YOU IN HIS HEARSE.

HEARSE?

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN IS OUTSIDE.

HE'S IN A STEAMING RAGE.

KEEP CALM, EVERYBODY.

KEEP CALM. REMEMBER, WE KNOW NOTHING.

( shouts ) GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!

( shouts ) IN A STEAMING RAGE!

- HEIL HITLER! - HEIL NOTHING!

WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON IN MY ABSENCE?

I TURN MY BACK FOR 24 HOURS

AND YOU ALLOW THE RESISTANCE TO CAPTURE

HIGH-RANKING OFFICERS FROM BERLIN!

AND, WEARING THEIR UNIFORMS, THESE TERRORISTS THEN INFILTRATE MY CHATEAU

AND SPIRIT THE AIRMEN AWAY! WHO WAS THE DUTY OFFICER?

CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.

YOU! YOU ARE THE SNITCH!

WHEN MY FIELD MARSHALL HAS SPOKEN TO HIS FIELD MARSHALL

HE WILL BE LIEUTENANT BERTORELLI.

AND WHY WAS THIS CHICKEN-FEATHERED WOP

NOT ATTENDING TO HIS DUTIES CORRECTLY?

HE WAS CANOODLING...

WITH LANCE CORPORAL HELGA GEERHEART.

PRIVATE HELGA GEERHEART.

FOR THIS, THE WHOLE TOWN WILL BE TAUGHT A LESSON.

YOU WILL PLACE CHARGES OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES

IN KEY POSITIONS IN THE TOWN.

IF THE AIRMEN ARE NOT RETURNED IN 48 HOURS,

I PERSONALLY WILL DEPRESS THE PLUNGER

AND NOUVION WILL BE NO MORE.

LET POSTERS BE PLACED TO THIS EFFECT.

- LET IT BE DONE! - DO WE PLACE EXPLOSIVES IN THE CHATEAU?

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS! I LIVE THERE!

( sobs )

- RENE? - MMM?

SHE HAS TAKEN THE GIN AND THE SOUP,

BUT SHE IS NOT WELL.

THE DOCTOR HAS DIAGNOSED THE COLLYWOBBLES.

HE HAS ADVISED HER AGAINST GOING INTO A DRAFTY CHURCH.

I WISH HE HAD SAID THE SAME THING TO ME.

- ( bell dings ) - GOOD MOANING.

GOOD "MOANING."

HAVE YOU HOD THE NOSE?

WHAT NOSE?

THE GERMANS HAVE PUT UP THESE PISTERS.

THEY ARE PLACING MOANS ALL OVER THE TOWN.

- "MOANS"? - HE MEANS "MINES."

IF THE EARMAN ARE NOT RETURNED,

THEN THE WHOLE OF NOUVION WILL GO OFF WITH A BONG.

THEY WOULD NOT DO THAT.

THAT SETTLES IT. WE HAND THE AIRMEN BACK TO THE GERMANS.

- YOU WOULD NOT DEE THIS. - ARE YOU A MIN OR A MOOSE?

SHE MEANS "A MAN OR A MOUSE."

ALL THE SAME, THE SOONER THEY GET TO ENGLAND, THE BETTER.

THE FEARCAST FOR THE WITHER IS GID FOR THE NEXT THREE DOOS.

DOES THIS MEAN THAT THEY CAN GO?

THE WOND IS IN OUR FEAVER.

WE WILL SEND A MASSAGE.

YOU CANNOT USE THE RADIO, IT IS BEING INTERCEPTED.

I KNEE THAT.

THE MASSAGE WILL GO BY PODGEON.

"PODGEON"?

A HOMING PODGEON.

- WITH FITHERS. - AH.

IT WILL BE RELEASED FROM THE WONDOW OF YOUR MOTHER-IN-LOO.

WELL, WE DO NOT HAVE A PODGEON.

MY ASSISTANT URGENT GRACE WILL BRONG IT.

- URGENT GRACE? - THAT IS HIS BIT OF CRIMPET.

- ( bell dings ) - HERE SHE IS NOO.

GOOD MOANING.

- I WILL SPOOK TO HER. - WELL, SIT DOWN THERE

AND KEEP OUT OF SIGHT.

SORRY I AM LOOT. I HAD TO POWDER MY KNEES.

- WHERE IS THE PODGEON? - UNDER MY HUT.

( pigeon cooing )

WELL, HE SEEMS TO BE RARING TO GO.

RENE, THE COLONEL IS OUTSIDE!

MY GOD. KEEP THAT THING STILL, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!

IT SOUNDS AS IF IT IS LAYING AN OGG.

AH! COLONEL, COME IN, SIT DOWN.

DRINKS FOR THE COLONEL, THE CAPTAIN, THE LIEUTENANT AND THE LANCE CORPORAL!

- THE PRIVATE. - PRIVATE.

RENE, WE HAVE BAD NEWS FOR YOU.

I HAVE HEARD ABOUT THE EXPLOSIVES. THAT IS TERRIBLE NEWS!

WHAT IS WORSE, RENE,

100 LBS OF IT IS GOING TO BE IN A SEWER UNDER YOUR CAFE.

- OH NO. - IF YOU'VE GOT-A THE AIRMEN,

YOU'D BETTER GIVE-A THEM UP.

WE ARE PROUD FRENCHMEN. WE DO NOT GIVE IN TO THREATS.

BUT EDITH, 100 LBS OF EXPLOSIVES

- UNDER THE CAFE. I MEAN-- - HE HAS NO IDEA WHERE THEY ARE.

RENE, I IMPLORE YOU.

IF YOU HEAR ANYTHING, LET ME KNOW.

THE LAST THING WE WANT TO DO IS BLOW YOU UP.

IT WOULD MAKE US VERY UNPOPULAR.

- THINK ABOUT IT, RENE. - I AM THINKING ABOUT IT, LIEUTENANT.

MARROWS! MARROWS!

PRIZE ALGERIAN MARROWS!

OH MY GOD.

WHO WILL BUY MARROWS FROM A PRIZE ALGERIAN MARROW SELLER?

COME OVER TO THE BAR, ALGERIAN MARROW SALESMAN.

COME AND SHOW ME YOUR--

COME ALONG. COME OVER HERE.

- MARROWS! ALGERIAN MARROWS! - SHUT UP. SHUT UP!

IT IS ME, ERNEST...

IN DISGUISE.

YES, WEARING IMPENETRABLE BOOT POLISH I SEE.

THESE ARE CYLINDERS OF HELIUM.

GOOD, GIVE THEM TO ME.

( grunts )

THEY'RE UNDER HIGH PRESSURE.

YES, SO AM I.

- THIS ONE IS LEAKING. - ( flatulence )

I BEG YOUR PIDDON.

- DO NOT INHALE THE GAS. - NO, I WILL DO MY BEST.

NOW YOU GIVE IT TO ME BEFORE WE GET US ALL SHOT.

THE GAS AFFECTS THE VOICE, SEE?

( flatulence )

( high-pitched ) IT TIGHTENS THE VOCAL CORDS.

YES, WELL, THANK YOU, ALGERIAN MARROW SELLER.

- BE ON YOUR WAY. - ( high-pitched ) ALGERIAN MARROWS!

WHO WOULD LIKE TO BUY ALGERIAN MARROWS?

ADIEU, OLD ALGERIAN EUNUCH.

COME AGAIN WHEN YOU HAVE MORE PRIZE MARROWS.

- RENE, MORE WINE. - YES, COLONEL.

I WILL GET IT.

RENE...

RENE, REST ASSURED THAT IF WE ARE GOING TO BLOW UP YOUR CAFE,

I WILL GIVE YOU ALL THE WARNING THAT I CAN.

OH, THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

YOU LOOK VERY PALE, RENE.

OH, WELL, THE STRAIN HAS PLAYED HAVOC WITH MY NERVES.

( flatulence )

EXCUSE ME.

UNDERSTANDABLE, I SUPPOSE.

SHALL I TAKE THE WINE?

( high-pitched ) NO, THAT IS ALL RIGHT,

I WILL DELIVER IT... TO THE TABLE PERSONALLY.

HERE IS THE POSTER, HERR FLICK.

IT COULD OF COURSE BE AN IDLE THREAT.

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF THEY CARRY IT OUT?

THERE WILL BE NO NOUVION.

WE SHALL HAVE TO MOVE TO ANOTHER TOWN.

I HAVE MADE MANY ENEMIES HERE.

IT WOULD TAKE MONTHS TO MAKE AS MANY ENEMIES IN A STRANGE TOWN.

WE MUST NOT ALLOW THIS BLOWING UP TO HAPPEN.

THE GENERAL IS GOING TO PERSONALLY PRESS THE PLUNGER...

FROM A SAFE DISTANCE.

FIND OUT THE POSITION OF THE EXPLOSIVES

AND SEE IF WE CAN DEFUSE THEM.

THAT WILL BE VERY DANGEROUS WORK, HERR FLICK.

I HAVE EVERY CONFIDENCE THAT YOU WILL SUCCEED, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

HERE IS THE GESTAPO DEFUSING-EXPLOSIVES HANDBOOK.

IT IS BY THE LATE PROFESSOR VON FLATTENHEAD,

WHO, AS YOU WILL KNOW, IS BURIED IN MUNICH...

AND HAMBURG AND BREMEN.

- BONE UP ON IT. - YES, HERR FLICK.

OH, RENE, MADAME EDITH HAS EXCELLED HERSELF.

THE FOOD IS MAGNIFICENT!

YES, WELL, I WILL NOT BE HAPPY UNTIL THOSE AIRMEN ARE

BACK SAFELY IN THE HANDS OF THE GERMANS.

THEY ARE GOING BACK TO ENGLAND AND THAT IS FINAL.

THE BALLOON IS OUTSOD.

THEN FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, BRING IT IN HERE.

- MOVE THAT TABLE BACK. - ALL RIGHT.

MONSIEUR LECLERC, GET ON THAT CORNER.

- HELP HIM. - OKAY, RENE. UP.

- WHERE DO YOU WANT IT? - HERE.

OH! MY FOOT!

YOU HAVE CRACKED IT! AH! I CANNOT PUT IT DOWN.

YVETTE, SIT HIM DOWN. SOMEBODY. GO ON, OVER THERE.

BRONG IT IN HOOR.

WHERE SHALL WE PIT IT?

BEHIND THE TABLE.

I HAVE THE WEATHER FEARCAST. IT IS GID.

THEN WE WILL WRITE A MASSAGE AND SEND IT BY PODGEON.

I WILL WRITE IT AND TIE IT TO HIS LOG.

( pigeon cooing )

KEEP IT UNDER THE HUT UNTIL YOUR ARE RODDY.

( British accent ) "EXPECT THE AIRMEN TO ARRIVE OVER DOVER AT--"

( flapping )

IT IS VERY KEEN TO GET TO ENGLAND.

IT COULD NOT EVEN WAIT FOR THE MESSAGE.

RENE.

MY MOTHER HAS TAKEN A TURN FOR THE WORSE.

- SHE CANNOT GET OUT OF BED! - SHE MUST.

SHE IS OUR ONLY EXCUSE FOR GATHERING HERE TO RELEASE THE BALLOON.

IF THERE IS TO BE NO WEDDING, THEN I WILL HAVE TO CANCEL THE WHOLE OPERATION.

- GOOD IDEA. - I CANNOT WALK DOWN THE AISLE.

MY FOOT IS SWOLLEN LIKE A POTATO.

YOU WILL HAVE TO HUBBLE ON ONE LOG.

UNDERSTAND THIS: IF THEY CANNOT MARRY,

THEN YOU AND EDITH WILL HAVE TO GET MARRIED.

WHATEVER HAPPENS, EVERYTHING MUST TAKE PLACE.

DEAR EDITH, MUCH AS I LOVE YOU,

THE FIRST PLANS ARE ALWAYS THE BEST.

THEY WILL BE THERE. WHERE ARE THE AIRMEN?

THEY ARE DISGUISED SO THAT THEY WILL MERGE INTO THE BACKGROUND.

( British accent ) IN HERE, CHAPS.

HALLO.

- HOW ABOUT A KISS FOR THE BRIDESMAIDS? - DON'T BE CHEEKY.

( organ music playing )

- THANK GOODNESS YOU ARE HERE. - WE HAD TO WALK ACROSS THE FIELDS.

OH, LOOK AT THOSE TWO IDIOTS.

PUT YOUR VEILS DOWN.

- AND LIFT UP YOUR BOSOMS. - HANDS OFF!

QUITE RIGHT. GIVE THE FROGGIES AN INCH, THEY TAKE A YARD.

- WHERE IS LECLERC? - HE'S DOWN THERE.

Edith: OH. HOW IS HIS FOOT?

OH, MICHELLE HAS GIVEN HIM PAINKILLERS AND BRANDY.

HE IS BEARING UP.

HE LOOKS AS IF HE IS PASSING OUT.

OH, HECK.

- COME ON, WAKE UP. - MARROWS. MARROWS.

- WHO WILL BUY MY MARROWS? - SHUT UP, SHUT UP.

SHUT UP!

NOW WAKE UP. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR GREAT DAY.

I CANNOT STAND UP WITHOUT HOLDING ONTO A CRUTCH.

IT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU HELD ONTO MY ARM.

( grunting )

( chattering )

MONSIEUR HUGO.

AH. MONSIEUR SARTRE.

OH. COLONEL, CAPTAIN, LIEUTENANT, HELGA.

HOW NICE OF YOU TO COME. WE DID NOT EXPECT YOU.

WE COULD NOT LET YOUR MOTHER MARRY WITHOUT PAYING OUR RESPECTS.

AND WE CHECK-A WHERE TO PUT-A THE BOMB.

HOW WELL THE CLOTHES OF THE BEST MAN

SUIT MONSIEUR RENE.

YOU CUT QUITE A DASHING FIGURE, RENE.

THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT.

DO WE COUNT YOU AS A FRIEND OF THE BRIDE OR A FRIEND OF THE GROOM?

HOW ABOUT A FRIEND OF THE BEST MAN?

- IS THE BRIDE HERE YET? - WELL, YOU WILL HAVE TO FORGIVE HER,

SHE IS WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL "KNOCKING ON A BIT."

RENE, IT IS MONSIEUR ALFONSE.

MADAME EDITH, YOUR MOTHER IS OUTSIDE IN THE HEARSE.

AM I MARRYING OR BURYING?

PSST! LOOK.

MONSIEUR LECLERC, HE HAS DROPPED OFF AGAIN.

OH HECK. EDITH, LEND ME YOUR SMELLING SALTS.

IT IS A WEDDING, FATHER, COME WITH ME.

MONSIEUR LECLERC. MONSIEUR LECLERC, WAKE UP.

UGH! MARROWS. MARROWS.

SHUT UP. STAND UP.

YOUR BRIDE IS HERE.

NOT AGAIN.

( "The Wedding March" playing )

DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE GATHERED TOGETHER TO JOIN

THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN IN HOLY MATRIMONY.

NOT YET, MONSIEUR.

I'VE YET TO DO PAGES OF THE STUFF.

HE CANNOT STAND.

I AM PUTTING THE MASSAGE ON THE LOG.

THE MASSAGE IS NOW TIED TO THE LOG.

YOU CAN LUNCH IT.

ONE, TWO, THROO...

IT HAS CRIPPED ON YOUR HOD.

DO YOU, ERNEST DIPSTICK LECLERC,

TAKE THIS WOMAN TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE?

( snores )

HE DOES.

DO YOU, FANNY NOW-YOU-SEE-IT, NOW-YOU-DO-NOT LAFANNE,

TAKE THIS MAN TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND?

( snores )

SHE DOES AS WELL.

THEN I PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.

NOW YOU CAN GET INTO BED.

( "Bridal Chorus" playing )

WAKE UP, MAMA!

- WHAT? - YOU ARE NOW MAN AND WIFE.

- HE HAS DONE IT. - WHEN?

WHILE YOU WERE ASLEEP.

( chuckling )

THAT IS ERNEST ALL OVER.

ALWAYS THE IMPATIENT ONE.

( theme music playing )