Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

YOU FIND ME SAMPLING ONE OR TWO OF THE LOCAL VINTAGES,

SO THAT I MAY CHOOSE A HOUSE WINE FOR MY CAFE.

HMM.

TOO GOOD FOR THE PEASANTS.

( sniffs )

( choking )

TOO BAD FOR THE PEASANTS.

GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE GERMANS.

RENE, HAVE YOU FOUND A SUITABLE ONE YET?

YES, THIS ONE WILL DO VERY NICELY.

GO AND PUT A PINT OF ANTIFREEZE

IN THAT BARREL.

RENE, YOU ONCE MORE HAVE A SMILE ON YOUR FACE.

HOW MANY BOTTLES HAVE YOU TASTED?

OH, NO, IT IS NOT THE WINE, EDITH.

A GREAT LOAD HAS BEEN LIFTED FROM MY SHOULDERS.

THE GESTAPO HAVE RECEIVED BACK THEIR MONEY,

MONSIEUR LeCLERC IS FREE, AND THEY ARE NO LONGER

SEARCHING FOR MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

SO, FOR THE TIME BEING, WE ARE AT LIBERTY

TO MAKE AS MUCH MONEY OUT OF THIS WAR AS WE CAN.

I WILL DRINK TO THAT.

RENE, MICHELLE WANTS YOU IN THE BACK ROOM.

OH HECK.

I KNEW IT COULD NOT LAST.

MICHELLE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THOSE DIRTY OLD OVERALLS?

THE GERMANS SEEK ME EVERYWHERE.

I AM DISGUISED AS A BUILDER.

SHOULD THEY FIND ME HERE,

I WILL SAY THAT I AM REPAIRING YOUR WINDOW.

BUT IT IS NOT BROKEN.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.

WHEN WE STOLE FROM THE GERMANS, THE LAND MINES,

IN WHICH THE BRITISH AIRMEN ARE TO ESCAPE,

WE HAD TO REMOVE 1,000 KILOS OF HIGH EXPLOSIVE.

YOU ARE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THIS EXPLOSIVE?

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I NEVER GAVE IT A THOUGHT.

THEN I WILL TELL YOU NOW.

IT IS HIDDEN IN A PUDDING FACTORY.

OH, WHAT A GOOD HIDING PLACE.

UNFORTUNATELY, WE HAVE SECRET INFORMATION

THAT THIS FACTORY IS TO BE COMMANDEERED BY THE GERMANS

FOR THE MANUFACTURE OF FROZEN STRUDEL,

WHICH IS TO BE SENT IN FOOD PARCELS TO THE RUSSIAN FRONT.

WE WILL PASS THIS SECRET INFORMATION

ON TO THE ENGLISH TONIGHT ON THE RADIO.

WE MUST NOT LET THE EXPLOSIVE FALL INTO GERMAN HANDS.

WE HAVE THEREFORE ARRANGED

FOR IT TO BE DELIVERED TO YOUR CAFE.

NOW LISTEN!

WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO HIDE 1,000 KILOS OF HIGH EXPLOSIVE?

IF THE GERMANS FIND EVEN ONE KILO,

I WILL BE SHOT.

DO NOT WORRY, IT WILL BE DISGUISED

AS A PRODUCT OF THE FACTORY.

WHAT?! HIGH EXPLOSIVE STRUDEL?

DO YOU THINK WE ARE FOOLS?

WE KNOW YOU DO NOT HAVE A BIG ENOUGH REFRIGERATOR.

THEN HOW WILL YOU DISGUISE IT?

IT WILL BE DISGUISED AS 500 CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.

500? LOOK, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

IF I AM QUESTIONED, WHAT REASON AM I SUPPOSED TO GIVE

FOR HAVING 500 CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS IN MY CAFE?

YOU CAN SAY YOU HAVE CORNERED THE MARKET.

YOUR IDEAS GET WILDER AND WILDER.

I WILL NOT DO IT, AND THAT IS FINAL.

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIT IN YOUR COMFORTABLE CAFE,

AND LOOK AFTER A FEW PALTRY CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A 24-HOUR EMERGENCY PLUMBER,

WITH PUTTY UNDER YOUR FINGERNAILS,

BURNING YOUR HANDS ON A BLOW LAMP,

DRINKING TEA FROM AN OLD PAINT KETTLE,

SITTING ON A PILE OF BRICKS, EATING A DOORSTEP SANDWICH,

WITH A 12-INCH SPANNER IN YOUR BACK POCKET?

WHEN IS THE FIRST DELIVERY?

( Michelle sobs )

RENE, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS ON THE PHONE.

HE WILL BE HERE IN ONE HOUR TO DISCUSS A PROBLEM.

OH, MORE HEADACHES.

( sighs )

THANK YOU, GRUBER.

THESE ARMY BOOTS

HAVE BEEN PLAYING HELL WITH MY BUNIONS.

I THINK, COLONEL, THAT YOU AND I

WERE NOT CUT OUT FOR THE MILITARY LIFE.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME, GRUBER,

I PRAY EVERY NIGHT THAT HITLER

DOESN'T INVADE ENGLAND.

THAT DAMN BRITISH WEATHER,

IT WOULD BE FATAL FOR ME WITH MY RHEUMATISM.

AND THE FOOD.

BEFORE THE WAR, I WAS ONE MONTH

IN A SMALL HOTEL IN CROYDON.

WHAT ABOUT MANCHESTER?

THEY EAT FAGGOTS FOR BREAKFAST.

IT'S A BARBAROUS COUNTRY.

AND THE ROMANS PUT UP WITH IT

FOR 1,000 YEARS.

COLONEL,

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN IS OUTSIDE.

VON KLINKERHOFFEN?! DON'T LET HIM IN.

GRUBER, HIDE THE BOWL.

HIDE THE BOWL.

HIDE THE BOWL!

COLONEL, YOUR FEET.

OH, MY! MY BOOTS!

KEEP HIM TALKING.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!

HEIL HITLER.

HEIL HITLER.

WHERE IS THE COLONEL?

THE COLONEL?

COLONEL VON STROHM.

OH, UM... HE WENT FOR A STROLL.

A STROLL? WHERE?

BEHIND THE CURTAINS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

KEEP FIT EXERCISES, GENERAL.

I AM PREPARING MYSELF FOR THE INVASION.

WHY ARE YOU NOT WEARING BOOTS?

I AM TOUGHENING UP MY FEET

FOR THE PEBBLES ON THE BRITISH BEACHES.

I WILL MAKE SURE YOU ARE ONE OF THE FIRST TO LAND.

TO SEE AN OLD MAN LIKE YOU

TOTTERING UP TO THE BARBED WIRE

WILL SET A GOOD EXAMPLE TO THE LESS SEASONED TROOPS.

NOW TO BUSINESS. WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM.

IT HAS COME TO THE EARS OF THE FUHRER

THAT TWO OF THE LATEST MARK VI LAND MINES

ARE MISSING FROM THIS DISTRICT.

HE HAS, OF COURSE, FLOWN INTO ONE OF HIS FAMILIAR RAGES.

HAS HE EATEN THE CARPET?

NO, BUT HE HAS DONE A LOT OF NO GOOD

TO A REPRODUCTION OF A BAYEUX TAPESTRY.

DO YOU THINK HE HAS A SCREW LOOSE?

IN MY OPINION,

A WHOLE MECCANO SET HAS FALLEN APART IN THERE,

BUT, UH... THAT IS JUST BETWEEN OURSELVES.

NOW, WHAT STEPS HAVE BEEN TAKEN TO RECOVER THE STOLEN ARTICLES?

WE HAVE INFORMED HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.

UNDERCOVER WORK IS THEIR RESPONSIBILITY.

THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

YOU WILL TAKE CONTROL OF THIS OPERATION PERSONALLY.

THIS IS YOUR DISTRICT.

YOU ARE THE COMMANDER. YOU ARE IN CHARGE!

THIS WHOLE DISGRACEFUL AFFAIR

MUST BE RESOLVED WITHOUT ANY DELAY,

OTHERWISE, SOMEONE

WILL FIND THEMSELVES IN VERY HOT WATER.

YES, MEIN FUHRER.

NO, MEIN FUHRER.

OF COURSE, MEIN FUHRER.

I UNDERSTAND, MEIN FUHRER.

I AM VERY GRATEFUL TO YOU, MEIN FUHRER.

GOODBYE, MEIN FUHRER.

WAS THAT THE FUHRER?

NO, IT WAS MY MOTHER.

SHE WAS CHECKING TO SEE IF MY UNDERWEAR,

WHICH SHE HAS KNITTED FOR ME, IS A SNUG FIT.

AND IS IT?

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

NOW, I HAVE HERE AN IMPORTANT DISPATCH.

BERLIN EXPECTS THE GESTAPO

TO FIND THE MISSING LAND MINES.

WE ARE JUST THE BOYS FOR THE JOB.

IT IS MY OPINION,

THAT MUCH OF THE SUBVERSIVE ACTIVITY IN NOUVION

IS CONDUCTED AT RENE'S CAFE.

GESTAPO SPIES TELL ME

THAT THERE ARE FREQUENT MEETINGS IN THE LARDER.

I DO NOT REMEMBER MENTIONING THIS.

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY SNEAKY PEBBLE ON THE BEACH.

WE MUST FIND THE POSITION FROM WHICH WE CAN OBSERVE

THESE GOINGS ON IN THE LARDER.

HERE IS A MAP.

HERE IS THE LARDER WINDOW.

HERE, OPPOSITE, IS AN OBSERVATION POINT.

THE CHURCH TOWER.

CORRECT.

12 FEET FROM THE GROUND

ARE TWO SMALL UNOBTRUSIVE OPENINGS.

FROM THESE WE CAN SEE DIRECTLY INTO THE LARDER,

AND THE WINDOWS ABOVE.

OH, YOU ARE A MARVEL, HERR FLICK.

YOU WILL GO A LONG WAY WITH YOUR BRAIN.

AND YOU WILL GO NOWHERE WITH YOURS.

( laughing )

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS STOPPED OUTSIDE WITH HIS HEARSE.

OH, I WISH HE WOULD NOT DO THIS.

MAMMA TAKES ON SO.

MONSIEUR RENE,

QUICK, A COGNAC.

OF COURSE.

YOU WILL NOTE

THAT MY HANDS ARE TREMBLING

AND MY MOUSTACHE IS TWITCHING.

HERE, GET THAT DOWN YOU.

NOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED?

I WAS TRAVELING THROUGH THE TOWN,

WHEN A COFFIN FELL OFF MY HEARSE.

I DIED A THOUSAND DEATHS.

WHAT A TERRIBLE THING TO HAPPEN TO AN UNDERTAKER

OF YOUR REPUTATION AND STANDING.

IT IS, MADAME.

ESPECIALLY WHEN THE COFFIN CONTAINS--

58--

EXPLODING CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS!

OH, MY GOD! W-WELL,

DO NOT LEAVE IT OUTSIDE MY CAFE.

THANK YOU, MONSIEUR.

I DO NOT INTEND TO.

MAMMA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT IS A FINE,

SUNNY MORNING,

AND I AM FULL OF JOY.

ALSO I AM FED UP,

WAITING FOR THE RESULTS OF THE TEST

MADE BY THAT DOCTOR.

SO, I THOUGHT I WOULD TAKE--

AARGHH!

IT IS A MISTAKE, MAMMA.

COME BACK.

I AM NOT HAVING THAT THING IN HERE.

I HAVE INSTRUCTIONS,

FROM MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE.

SHE SAID NO MATTER WHAT OPPOSITION I ENCOUNTER,

THAT GOES DOWN YOUR BACK PASSAGE.

INTO THE CELLAR.

RENE, THERE ARE SOME GERMANS APPROACHING.

OH, HECK. QUICK, TAKE IT THROUGH.

THANK YOU, MONSIEUR. QUICK, QUICK.

GO QUICKLY, COME ON, HURRY.

WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER FIVE?

OTHER FIVE WHAT?

THE OTHER FIVE COFFINS--

WITH 290 EXPLODING CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS?

OH, NO, NO.

YOU ARE NOT BRINGING THEM IN HERE.

NO. SAY THERE HAS BEEN A PLAGUE.

GO AND BURY THEM SOMEWHERE.

I CANNOT BURY ANYTHING WITHOUT A CERTIFICATE.

WELL, GET MICHELLE TO SHOOT SOME GERMANS.

USE YOUR IMAGINATION,

BUT THEY ARE NOT COMING IN HERE.

AHA, SHOOT SOME GERMANS.

GO AWAY!

TELL THE DOCTOR

I WANT A SECOND OPINION.

QUICK, BEFORE SHE HITS ONE OF THE COFFINS.

HERR FLICK?

HERR FLICK? WHERE ARE YOU?

I AM BEHIND THE SCREEN, WITH VON SMALLHAUSEN.

MAY ONE INQUIRE TO WHAT YOU ARE UP?

WE HAVE REMOVED OUR CLOTHES

IN ORDER TO FOLLOW THE FUHRER'S INSTRUCTIONS.

I SEE.

WHAT EXACTLY DID HE TELL YOU TO DO?

WE HAVE DISGUISED OURSELVES

IN ORDER TO MERGE

INTO AN ECCLESIASTICAL BACKGROUND.

CRUMBS, WHAT A STUNNING DISGUISE.

IF I MAY SAY SO,

THE HOMEMADE OPEN-TOED SANDALS

ARE PARTICULARLY EFFECTIVE.

I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT I HAVE VERY VIRILE FEET.

VON SMALLHAUSEN?

WHY HAVE YOU, HANGING FROM YOUR HEAD, A HALO?

IT WAS PART OF THE SET.

REMOVE IT.

HELGA, HERE ARE YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.

YOU WILL BRING TO THE CHURCH TOWER

COFFEE AND SANDWICHES,

TO SUSTAIN US DURING OUR VIGIL.

WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING IN THE CHURCH TOWER?

SNOOPING.

VERY WELL, HERR FLICK.

I MUST SAY,

I FIND THE LENGTHS TO WHICH YOU WILL GO

TO ACHIEVE YOUR ENDS MOST EXCITING.

THIS IS UNDERSTANDABLE.

MAY I KISS YOU?

NO.

THE RULES OF THE ORDER TO WHICH I BELONG,

FORBID THE KISSING OF GIRLS.

DO THEY FORBID ANYTHING ELSE?

YES, MONKS UNDER 5'3"

ARE NOT PERMITTED TO SPEAK.

MAY I ASK A QUESTION?

RENE, MAKE THE ANNOUNCEMENT.

IT IS TIME FOR ME TO SING.

HOW QUICKLY IT COMES ROUND.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

IT IS CABARET TIME AT CAFE RENE.

AND HERE,

AS YOU MIGHT EXPECT,

IS YOUR OWN, YOUR VERY OWN,

NIGHTINGALE OF NOUVION, MADAME EDITH.

( all groaning )

THANK YOU FOR THAT WARM WELCOME.

TODAY, I WOULD LIKE TO SING FOR YOU,

ONE OF MY FAVORITES-- AND I HOPE, ONE OF YOURS.

"BOOM, WHY DID MY HEART GO BOOM?"

THANK YOU.

WITH ALL THESE EXPLODING CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS IN THE CELLAR,

I WISH SHE WOULD NOT SING THIS.

( loudly ) ♪ BOOM! ♪

♪ WHY DID MY HEART GO BOOM? ♪

♪ ME AND MY HEART GO BOOM ♪

♪ BOOM-TIDDY-BOOM ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I FOUND YOU ♪

♪ BOOM... ♪

EDITH, YOU'VE CLEARED THE ROOM.

♪ I CAN SEE LOVE IN BLOOM ♪

♪ BOOM-TIDDY-BOOM ♪

♪ ALL AROUND YOU... ♪

ARGH, PEASANTS!

EDITH, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.

YOU DID NOT HAVE THE RIGHT PIANIST.

YOU ARE RIGHT.

YOU ARE SACKED!

YOU ARE INCOMPETENT!

NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU PLAY IN NOUVION!

OUT!

OH, I MUST LIE DOWN.

WHERE ARE MY SMELLING SALTS?

WE HAVE RUN OUT, MADAME EDITH.

STUFF A MOTHBALL UP EACH NOSTRIL

AND BREATHE DEEPLY.

MOTHBALL?

RENE, WE ARE ALONE AT LAST.

YVETTE.

OH-HH!

HOLD ME TIGHTLY.

IF THOSE PUDDINGS IN THE CELLAR EXPLODE,

I WANT TO BE IN YOUR ARMS.

OF COURSE.

IT IS A LONG TIME SINCE WE WERE OUT TOGETHER.

GOOD MOANING.

OH, I SEE YOU ARE HAVING A CURSE AND KIDDLE.

I WILL TURN A BLONDE EYE.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT?

I HAVE FOR YOU

TWO EXPLEEDING CHRISTMAS PODDINGS.

I SUPPOSE THEY ARE DOWN YOUR TROUSERS AS USUAL?

DO NOT BE REDOCULOUS.

MIND THE HILLY.

IT IS VERY PROCKERLY.

AND DO NOT DRIP THEM,

OTHERWISE THEY WILL GO OFF, BONG.

ALL RIGHT. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?

WE COULD SAY

WE ARE MEMBERS OF A PUDDING CLUB.

DO NOT MENTION MY NAME IN CONNECTION WITH IT.

I MUST GO ABOUT MY BOSNESS.

I WILL USE THE BACK WEE.

RENE! OH-HHH!

LOOK OUT, THE WIFE IS COMING.

OH, RENE,

THE MOTHBALLS DID THE TRICK.

I AM FEELING QUITE CALM AGAIN.

RENE, THERE IS A GIRL OUTSIDE

WHO DEMANDS TO SEE YOU, WITHOUT DELAY.

WHAT DOES SHE WANT?

SHE SAYS IT IS A PRIVATE MATTER

THAT ONLY CONCERNS RENE.

RENE, WHAT IS GOING ON?

I HAVE NO IDEA, EDITH.

I AM GLAD YOU ARE OPEN.

I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE THIS ON YOUR DOORSTEP.

I DENY--

I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS GIRL BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE.

HOW MANY ARE THERE?

SIX MORE GIRLS ARE OUTSIDE.

- Rene: SIX?! - AARGHH!

AND THERE IS A BUSLOAD COMING AT 7:00.

AARGHH!

I MUST PUT UP MY NOSE, MORE MOTHBALLS.

RENE, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

TWO EXPLODING CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.

CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS!

♪ GOD REST YE, MERRY GENTLEMEN... ♪

GET OUT!

I SAY, FAIRFAX, I REALLY THINK

I'M GETTING THE HANG OF THIS.

THERE IS ONLY ONE PROBLEM.

AFTER SIX HOURS COOPED UP IN THERE,

THE OLD LEGS WON'T STRAIGHTEN OUT.

I KNOW. MINE ARE THE SAME.

IS EVERYTHING TICKETY-BOO, CHAPS?

WELL, WE'VE MANAGED

TO UNSCREW OUR NUTS IN 12 SECONDS.

THAT MEANS 10 SECONDS TO PUT ON THE PARACHUTE,

AND PULL THE THING.

GOOD SHOW!

YOU'RE LEAVING TONIGHT.

OH, WIZARD.

WHERE ARE THE GERMANS ACTUALLY GONNA DROP THE LAND MINES?

WELL, WE CAN'T BE SURE,

BUT THEY'RE BOMBING LONDON ALL THE TIME.

IF THEY DROP YOU OVER WIMBLEDON, FAIRFAX,

YOU COULD HAIL A CAB AND BE HOME FOR SUPPER.

NOW THIS IS THE GENERAL PLAN:

WE WILL SCREW YOU DOWN INTO THESE THINGS,

AND THEN UNDER COVER OF DARKNESS,

YOU WILL BE LOADED ONTO A LORRY,

AND TRANSPORTED TO A WAREHOUSE.

FROM THERE, YOU WILL BE HUNG UNDER A GERMAN BOMBER

AND THEN OFF YOU GO.

WHAT HAPPENS IF THE WEATHER'S BAD,

AND THEY DON'T GO FOR A FEW DAYS?

OUR PEOPLE WILL POP IN FROM TIME TO TIME,

AND GIVE YOU SANDWICHES AND COFFEE.

IT ALL SOUNDS A BIT HAREBRAINED.

ON THE OTHER HAND, IT'LL MAKE

A JOLLY GOOD CHAPTER IN MY BOOK.

ARE THEY STILL HERE?

I THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE GONE BY NOW.

THEY ARE LEAVING TONIGHT.

MEANWHILE, YOU MUST HIDE THEM IN YOUR CELLAR.

IT IS FULL OF YOUR EXPLODING CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.

WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE LANGUAGE, I'M AFRAID.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT EXPLODING CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.

ASK A SILLY QUESTION

AND YOU GET A SILLY ANSWER.

NOW LOOK, MICHELLE, ONCE AND FOR ALL,

I WANT NO PART OF THIS.

WOULD YOU PREFER A BULLET IN YOUR BACK?

OH, VERY WELL.

COME ALONG, CHAPS.

KEEP CALM AND DO YOUR BEST TO LOOK LIKE FRENCH PEASANTS.

ROGER.

OH, MY GOD.

WHY ARE YOU SHIVERING, VON SMALLHAUSEN?

THESE HABITS ARE VERY DRAFTY, HERR FLICK.

WE SHOULD HAVE WORN LONG WINTER UNDERPANTS.

THE GESTAPO HANDBOOK ON CHURCH CUSTOMS

SAYS THAT MONKS DO NOT WEAR UNDERWEAR.

HAVE YOU FOUND A LADDER?

NO, HERR FLICK.

NOTHING THAT WOULD REACH THOSE LITTLE WINDOWS UP THERE.

YOU INCOMPETENT MONK!

BUT WE WILL NOT BE THWARTED.

LET US PUT ON OUR MAGNIFYING HATS.

WAIT WHILE I ADJUST MINE

TO MY WEAK RIGHT EYE.

WE WILL CLIMB THESE ROPES.

( bell tolls )

AARGHH!

- ( second bell tolls ) - AARGHH!

( ringing )

THE BELLS, THE BELLS!

CAN YOU SEE ANYTHING?

NOT FOR LONG.

HERR FLICK!

IS THAT YOU UP THERE

IN THE DARKNESS OF THE BELFRY?

Flick: I AM SUSPENDED BY THE CLAPPERS.

THE RISKS YOU TAKE FOR THE FATHERLAND.

CLIMB OUT ONTO THE BEAM, HERR FLICK.

THE ROPE IS ENTANGLED.

GIVE IT A LITTLE JERK.

( screaming )

( loud clanging )

VON SMALLHAUSEN, ARE YOU IN THERE?

SPEAK TO ME.

( clanking within )

( theme music playing )