Original subtitles

You know what

The movie got to have a beautiful happy ending

It's gotta be unpredictable like a fun indie vibe

Black and white lens flare It's gotta have lens flare or

else it's not a movie

the intended title I'm thinking right now is

Cold Dreams

Hey what I'd just say

I don't know

Hey Eddie Are you listening to me

I got gas

You got your antiacids

No

All right beautiful

Okay Maybe you come back soon

And she gone

What is that

This

Female sanitary appliance

Elite bodyguards all carry 'em You know why

The second you start bleeding I pop this shit in

and blood stops It stops the bleeding

It can save your goddamn life

And get rid of the comic book

She's gonna be here in like five minutes

Hey

Hello I'm slightly early

Is it Katherine

Yeah

Take a seat You want something to eat

Some lunch would be really nice

We make an incredible hotdog what d'ya say

Yeah

Hey Manny let me get a hotdog

Soda and fries por favor

Diet orange juice please

Diet orange soda you got it

What are these

I think those are steaks Louie

No shit genius

Why did you pull them out of the freezer

It's for the dinner crowd

No you're not supposed to use these ass wipe

You're supposed to use the ones in storage next door

Manny put these steaks back in the freezer and get me twenty

sirloins from storage next door

What's the matter with you Huh You shit for brains

I told you I told which steaks to sell here

One more time both of you I'm gonna violate you to your

parole officer you hear me

You'll be upstate in a heartbeat you got it

The credit card machine is still on he fritz Louie

Yeah well you're taking cash until it's fixed

Yeah

As you know

I'm so sorry there so much in your mouth

As you know you were recommended to me

by Thomas Tresham a client of mine

Whwho

British Tommy

Oh Tommy

He recommended you highly

Client How

I was his lawyer in London

You're a lawyer

An item will be delivered at a location

Next week

I want you to intercept the delivery and bring it to me

Yeah we can do that baby

The man making the exchange has guards

He will meet and exchange the package with others

The fee is twenty thousand each

Well the going rate's thirty Each

I'm not going to go higher than twenty

That's inclusive of two passports

Wait a minute The gig's not here

No it's in London next week

Next You came all the way from London England

For us

This isn't really my field and Mr Tresham is

my sole contact in this area

Well that's tough luck

Our parole's conditional on us maintaining employment here

Plus your offer is way too low especially if we're

going to jump the pond

How much do I owe you

You know there's gotta be a way we can work this out

Don't you think We haven't even thought it through for a second

Maybe we can talk about it

Is your diner a chain

Yeah A real shitty shitty chain

If I can sort out your parole issues and this

establishment would you agree to the venture at my price

Knock yourself out

Break's over ladies

ErmLouie

Yes darling

You buy cheap stock steaks on this occasion with

your own money and you store them next door

If twenty steaks are ordered you serve the cheap steaks you

bought not the ones on the premises that are bought

by the company You don't fix the credit card machine so

everyone pays in cash You keep the cash for yourself

If head office gets suspicious and check the stock they'll

find it all still here on the premises in the freezer unused

That's all very illegal

Eddie is going away for a week

He's going to be bringing his friend Paul

Yes with Paul

You're going to call their parole officer say you're

sending them away on a catering course as they're

doing so well and that they'll be unable to attend otherwise

I'm going to call head office tell them about your illegal

activities which I assure you will result in your prosecution

Do we have an agreement

Hey Louie You're a disgrace to the restaurant business

You fucking skunk Katherine we're in

No we're not in

We're not in We're not in yet

Thirty Each Or no deal

Twenty no higher

Thirty You need me

Us Us

Agreed

Fuck Yeah

On one condition

Noone gets harmed

If it them or us I know who I'm choosing there Princess

Don't call me that

Yoga

You look healthy

I've been meaning to say for the past few days

I do Tai Chi myself

It's a soft martial art keeps mesupple

He does look good though right

You do look good

You do look good Cardio is what I do

Panic attack doesn't count as cardio

Whatever

Hey you know what Corny What'd you say

After this we talk about your acting career

I'd be delighted to

You ever tread the boards

No my good man

I'm actually a film producer

Can I just say what a pleasure it is to be working

with you again

I hope I didn't inconvenience you in requesting you come

to London but I couldn't think of anyone I trust more

Tommy I don't think we need the silencer

If the shit hits the fan the louder the better

You know what I mean

Take it off please

The louder the better That's so wise

What the

Hey man

Why don't you like kitty cats

Because dogs are better

Dogs aren't better

Yeah more independent

Hands up motherfucker

Put your fucking hands up right now

Hands in the air there's a good chap or those

lovely long eyelashes will close forever

Come here Come on come on Come come come come

Drop the bag Drop the bag

Drop the fucking bag

Do what he says This guy's a fucking maniac

Kick it over to me

Kick it over to me

Kick it over man Nobody needs to get hurt

OK kick it over to me right now kick it right now

Are you fucking serious

Come on guys stop fucking around

Are you fucking kidding me

What are you A fucking

What do I do

Pick it up

I'm going to pick it up but nobody going to fucking

move do you hear me

Nobody move nobody fucking move

Pick it up Nobody fucking

OK

Keep the gun on him

Hey Hey hey hey Stay where you are

All right all right Calm down easy

Hey hey

Stay back

Game over man It's over

Stay back

Just chill out man

Hey hey hey wait

Easy easy easy

Shit

Shit

Shit

Shit

Let's go let's go let's go

Get it get the hell out of here

Let's go Let's go

Oh here they are

All ticketyboo chaps

Let's go Let's tickety fucking move

Start the fucking car

OK calm down

My name is Dino Lane and this one is for Deacon and the lads

Shout out lads

Thanks Dino

Bravo Dino

OK from the top

The Americans stole that bag and they'll give it to

that cow tomorrow what do you do then

Once we see the exchange that's when we move

Take the bag and anything else no prisoners

What don't you do

Look inside the bag

Straight after you get the bag you go to this address

Call me sit tight no other calls you don't leave for food

Smokes girls nothing You wait

For me

Oy Billy Ray Cyrus

How many times have I told you to fix the bloody door

Hmm

Fix it

Dexter and I are going upstairs for a business meeting

Do not call me Do not disturb me

Hand over a bottle of red

Come on

Evening Mrs Bradshaw

Fuck off George you stink of ketchup andfarts

What business mum

Did you book the tickets to Barbados

No

Do it

I'm not going to spend all year in this fucking dump

Look at it

I gave birth to a fucking haircut

Just like his fucking dad

Don't he look silly boys eh

Eh

Fucking stupid

Change of plan

I'm going with you

You stay here and lock up

You two come with me

We ain't open

Scrambled eggs on toast

295

Trouble maker

Plain omlette

395

Oi mullet head What is it

Double denim day yeah

This jacket

was me dad's

You bring your dad down here yeah

I take you and your dad

Huh

Me dad's dead

Good

Yeah

Okay

That's right

You all right

Had a bunch of queens trying it on a minute ago

I've lost a button

I've lost a button

Get some aprons on

Wakey wakey rise and shine Hong Kong Phooey

Come on there's a good lad

Show me a room where I can lock you in

There's a pantry

ju just down just down there

Mind your hair when you go down there

I I I meant your head not your hair

My dad had his hair like this

I I I love your dad I wish he was still alive

your hair

I didn't mean it I I wasn't

I'll have a coffee

All right all cool

You think a person thrown and killed from a great height is

all cool

That was that was unavoidable That

that you can't that was ahh

he tripped Yeah that was an act of God

You're a lawyer you know about that

I assumed you were professionals

Oh I'm so sorry we are professionals

What did you just say

We had an agreement noone seriously injured

Cut the shit and hand over our cash you brat

Right come on gimme my money

Christ What is it

A Mary Poppins bag

What the fuck is this

It's short it's fucking way short

Well the agreement was thirty each and noone seriously hurt

but you didn't adhere to that so a penalty it drops to my

original offer of twenty each

You

I tell you what you take the hamburger

and I'll take the filet mignon

Give it to me

No

Give it to me Give Give give it to me

come on come on come on No

Aaahhh

What was that

Watch her watch the rucksack

Don't move Don't fucking move

Watch her good hear me

There's a dead dude in the kitchen

What

Yeah

Who's the dead dude in the kitchen

I know nothing about that

Who the fuck are these two people

I don't know

Come on come on

it's okay just tell us you wanted them to take care of

us and then keep the money is that it

No

Don't move Stop Who's the bag for

That's not your concern

Yes it is our fucking concern

Someone tries to kill us It's our concern Princess

Stop calling me that Everyone makes mistakes

Wan can I talk to you in private in private

Just you and me just talk in private

Don't look look away for one second

We're going to talk for a second

Do you have any idea what's inside this bag

Look I Wha kitty cats I don't

I don't like kitty cats bearer bonds

About eight hundred thousand

Eight hundred fucking thousand

She didn't tell us that

What the fuck we do with 'em

We fence the bonds get the fuck out of Dodge

What we still doing here right

Better be on the run with a ton of money than nothing at all

Did she hear that

Yeah

Use your indoor voice

Okay this is it for me What d'ya think Fence it

You think she knew about these guys

Where'd she go Where's the rucksack

Katherine

Arkady

What a surprise

Would you like some umm breakfast

Coffee Croissant

Ahhumm I shouldn't

Well tell us what happened

I waited for the Americans to collect the bonds they did

Two men arrived they attacked us

She's lying

The Americans fought them off

I managed to slip away with the bag

Ugly cow is lying

Why would my men do such a thing

Continue

Still have the Americans' money

I think it's better we pay them off if

they've done nothing wrong

Well

ah thank you for all your help

You are now debt free

I'll be sorry to lose your services

So I can pay the Americans off

No we'll take of the Americans ourselves

Why take a chance

Just just tell us where they are

As your legal advisor I think it's best if we don't add

murder to your current issues

and umm I don't want to be an accessory

Hmm well are you asking me for a favor

A favor that's in your interest

Well if I do this favor for you it'll mean you still owe me the

same amount the debt would be back on

That's not fair

I I've done everything that you

ah fine

Bastard

Fucking fuck

Fuckers

I'm going to choose to believe that

you sent your two men to simply collect the bonds as I

instructed but then

they took it upon themselves to attack the Americans

and take everything without your knowledge

No no

I'm choosing to believe you had nothing to do with it

Arkady I swear on my

I swear on my mother's

Deacon you

are a repulsive

testicle

Those two men of yours will show up

somewhere

Hmm

I'm going to meet your friends downstairs

You stay here til I get back

Do not move from this spot

Piggy eh

Come on come with me

Two large tuna mayo baguettes

Chicks

You know what I mean

Chicks

Shapeshifting

At least we'll be back in the US tomorrow right

Out of this shithole of a fucking country

Yeah that's right

Hello

Who's that

Yeah

Fine fucking fine

It was Katherine She's on her way up

Tommy must have told her where we were

You let her up here Now

Right now Yeah

Rightcourse you let her up you're a genius

That's awesome

Come to take more of our money

Cause we don't have anymore thanks to you

I came to explain And apologize

Apologize

For stabbing us in the back

I saved your life How did

Will you let me explain

Arkady is the man who organized the job

I owed him a substantial amount of money

Getting you to steal the bonds was how I'd pay him back

We're delighted you're off the hook

Arkady wanted you both dead

I convinced him not to do it but at great cost

I am now back in debt to him

One of his people an animal by the name of

Deacon Bradshaw sent those two men to steal everything

I think you're full of shit

Well I think you were going to sell the bonds leaving me

at Arkady's mercy Oh you don't know

Arkady's planning something

Who cares

I care I do I care

Arkady and Deacon met three men involved with them previously

serious armed robbers

I'm sure Arkady is using the bonds to fund a large robbery

I thought that umm it might be something we could take

advantage of capitalize on all of us

Ahh that's why she came back not to apologize

Come on let's go

Let's go honey

Let's go come on let's go

It's a no

You're here illegally with forged passports you've

violated your parole you've committed a robbery

and a murder

If the police were informed you'd spend the rest of your

life locked up probably never see your country again

You threatening me

You're in this just as much as we are princess

I'm not involved in the slightest

And whatever you say

They'll believe me over a pair of convicted criminals

Oh and let's not forget the museum CCTV footage of your

recent shambolic endeavor

You know I think they'll be able to match your faces despite

your mastery of disguise with with baseball caps

Oh no I think they worked

Bullshit

I'll be upstairs in the bar for fifteen minutes

Excuse me

What's 'shambolic'

What the fuck is wrong with you

What's wrong with me What you talking about

It's a no you said it's a no like five fucking times

It's a no

It's a no She could call the cops on us

Calm down lower your fucking voice

She could call the cops on us

We're gonna listen to what she has to say

What are you wearing What are you Ron Jeremy

This is my this is what I wear

Please God

When I get out the shower and I don't want to put on pants and I

wanna feel like a goddam man

Please take that off

In the name of baby Jesus take that thing off

I am so sorry What is this You put on a shirt

I don't know what you're talking about

Are you trying to look pretty for someone

Is it for me Do you wanna look pretty for me

Maybe

No I don't think it's for me

Hello handsome

All right lads

How's the knee

Better

It looks fantastic

You

I shink I need a dentisht

Sorry about everything sir

Not a problem You kept quiet yeah

Not a word

Shat tight ever shince

You what

Shat

We're gonna get you a doctor

And you a dentisht

dentist

Give you some cash send you away somewhere

get some sun till things die down

how d'ya fancy Spain

Sounds good Boss

You two hungry

Fish and chips

Yeah

Can I have a private word

Yeah

Be back in a jiffy

Please don't please please

Ssshhh

Please please

We get in here and you let me do the talking okay

You got it

I got this you're gonna give me the ball

You're the Cap I know exactly what to say

Run like OJ Yes

Take off your glasses

We're not going to do it

You want me to call the police

Yeah go ahead

Good luck with everything Hannibal cause we're not

going to do it

What is it you that want

If we're going to help whatever you got already planned I know

you got something already planned we want eighty percent

Not fiftyfifty

Eighty percent not fiftyfifty

You understand

Not fifty fifty

That's not fair

What d'ya mean it's not fair

We're not here to bargain with you princess You need me

Us Us

I need a moment to process this information

Take your moment

is it happening

Twenty percent would be sufficient

Yes Twenty Sorry twenty percent would be good

All right When this is finished I'm gone

I'm this I'm done you understand

I'm outta here

That means I'm getting a jet plane going across the pond

back to where I belong do you understand

You got me

Do you copy that

She got it

Eighty percent

My pineapple

All right chop chop

Great to be working with you again Eddie

Right

Sorry could you concentrate

Yah

Across this street is Deacon's pub

He lives there with every illegal activity that

Arkady funds through it Is suggest we monitor it

Follow him and his associates from here

Our entrance is on a completely different street

Deacon won't see us come in or out

Our base we'll live here

What's that smell

Sorry

Thoughts

Makes sense I like it

Dart board I dig it

What are you fucking crazy

This mural's amazing

This place's a shithole

We gotta lot of space

They're painting over the fucking faeces

You don't even smell that Smells like a gorilla shit

in his hand then ate it and shit again on the ground

You better get me a hotel cause I'm not fucking staying here

Yeah good I've rented it

There's food here in the fridge bedding's in the other room

Toiletries

What the fuck is this

You expect us to use this cheap waxy shit

Well you want more expensive items you to have to pay for

them out of your own pocket Now as we're all

participating equally but I'm the sole person who is

forwarding funds here I will want my share of these

purchases and the rent on successful completion

I've got an itemized bill with receipts of my spend so far

You are going to need surveillance items

please list them but no purchases will be made until

everyone's given the all clear

Agreed

Nice trainers is that what you call them trainers

Unique Yes

What if I do this like that go Kung Fu

Interrupt me again and I will snap your fucking arm off

Cornelius

Listen up

This is my highend moisturized toilet paper

Nobody fucking uses it

Do you understand

Ahuh

Do you fucking understand

Or next week

Lunch

Bye

Why don't you get some sleep for a second

My shift

Yeah

Elegant simple solutions are always the best

I'm sorry come again

In the 60s space race NASA were faced with

the problem of inventing a

pen for their astronauts that would write in zero gravity

Spent millions eventually came up with a pen that worked

The Russians faced with the same problem gave their

cosmonauts a pencil

You a communist Katherine

Hey dude come on these are fun facts here

Whether the story is true or not the point is we expend too

much time on a complex problem while overlooking the elegant

simple solution that is right before our eyes

Is that how you figured out about Louie and the steaks

It was obvious a total moron would have spotted it

I bought napkins you know if you want to get a little

I'm gonna

yup

Hey

My turn

Any action

No nothing

We know what we are but not

what we may be

Wow

hey how do you know Katherine anyway

She's my cousin

Really

Yeah

Why's she doing all this I mean she's not

exactly the criminal type

She was

working for a huge law firm then she met some chap who convinced

her to give him her life savings to start up a business

The business was going under so he asked her to get a loan

from Arkady She did and the fucker ran off

with the money and her best friend

Next thing I know she's working solely for Arkady to pay the

debt off

I tried to track him down but it was impossible

I'd fucking snapped his neck

Full crew on the porch

I see 'em I'm on it

I'm gonna follow 'em on foot

My shift

Go and eat

Actually I may go for a walk I'm going for a walk

Going for a walk Be back soon

Hello darlin' What can I get you

You can start by getting me a beer

You're an American are you

Yes ma'am

Say that again

Yes Maaam

Ohh

I work for NASA

Nooo

Yes it's crazy Steven Hawking got me the job

Anyway I had to stop because I went on this insane mission

One time there's an asteroid coming to Earth right

Wow

But we need to blow it up so it doesn't hit Earth so we split

it into two right but I came out I'm so tired saving the

world so I was like you know what I'll just produce movies

I'm in the Arts you know

You What'd you do

There My pictures see

You made those

Genital fruits

Genital fruits is what you call them

My name's Dawn by the way

Teddy Roosevelt

Oh for fuck's sake Dexter

Excuse me

I'm here at the weekends usually

Oh yeah

Hmm

No I told you it was over Now hop it Come on

Good morning

Top of the morning

How did your

mission go

Waste of time

That bar was busy Couldn't understand

their accents they don't speak like you do

They're old school working class cockneys a dying breed

Kept saying the 'C' word

Cunt

Yeah

They kept saying 'dog and bone' and

'throw a pint down my Gregory'

Gregory Peck

they'd throw a beer down my Gregory Peck neck

Wh what is that

It's rhyming Cockney rhyming slang

Slang

It rhymes

Dog and bones um phone

Cool Dog and bone

Gregory Peck neck

eh mate ereh maaate

al'right mate

Ooy innit

Gregory Peck neck ain't it inn't

Pretty good huh

Nah

I'll work on it

Any tips

Imagine you're chewing on a sandwich whilst talking

Right

I'll bring my uncle Martin and his pals on this next time

Deacon goes to that bar

You see something

No it's all good

It's my shift

Okay

Tea Eddie

I'm good Thank you

On seeing a young lady degrading comments

are made Mickey: "I'd finger her with all five"

Deacon: "You fucking cunt

The only thing you've fingered is your arsehole"

laughter ensues

George: "Look at the tits on it

I'd bang that whore till it dropped off"

Milroy Primus: "I never go down on bad pussy"

Mickey urr um "I bet she could swallow and fart

at the same time"

I have "swallow and part"

No umm er

I I think it's "'swallow and farts"

Doesn't make sense at all

I agree

What would be the point of swallowing

Thank you Uncle

Very thorough Excellent work

Not a problem Thomas

May I ask is Mr Deacon a herpetologist

What's that

Well it's from the Greek 'herpien' meaning 'to creep'

A branch of zoology dealing with the study of amphibians

I'm asking because the gentleman with the extravagant

hairstyle Deacon

he kept on repeating 'Blue Iguana'

Blue iguana this blue iguana that

"The money that fat tub of shit Arkady and us will be

making will be fucking orgasmic"

Blue Iguana

It's a diamond

Sorry we what happened

Blue Iguana is a diamond What is it

Has it magical powers like it curses anybody who touches it

See what you're gonna look like when you're old

No It's just a diamond

If you look into it do you see your future

In the 80s a Turkish Prince married an English woman

He purchased the Blue Iguana as a wedding gift

He loved her but she partied gambled

She was too wild for him didn't work

But wouldn't divorce her He went home sent her

to Switzerland provided her with a few million a year

My heart bleeds for her

A few months ago I heard he decided to take her back he

wants to present her at a family gathering

wearing the diamond

So

So she lost it in a card game to a man named Jacob Taylor

Without it he won't take her back

The diamond is kept in a high security safety deposit centre

If Arkady steals the diamond for the princess she'll be welcomed

back and ensure he is too

Very lucrative for him

Arkady's tired of funding Deacon's illegal activities

to survive

He wants to make a large amount of money and retire

Do you know this Princess

Vaguely

Arkady introduced us did some work for her

And how do you propose we get into this hitech facility huh

You got to be juiced up on the inside

We know fucking nothing

They could have security systems timers smart water

Fucking motion sensor detectors

They could have all that shit and we don't know because we

can't fucking see

Don't need to know

We steal it from Deacon when he steals it give it to

the Princess collect the reward

Simple solution to a complex problem

OK

If that simple solution works what'd think she'd pay

Between five to six million

And is that pounds or

It's pounds Pounds

You know the other day when I was umm

when I wanted to uh

when I tried to ahh

I'm I wanna say

I was tired my head was not

I'm sorry And thanks for

getting Arkady off our backs and saving our lives

So if there's anything

I owe you okay

Hmm

After they steal it how are they gonna get this rock

to the Princess Diamond

Yeah the Purple Serpent or whatever it is

Well Arkady can't go to her in Switzerland because of

various offences so she's either coming here or

he's sending a courier

He won't trust a courier

He's gonna wanna give it to her personally

We find out when she's comin'

We'll know when they're hittin' the diamond

I know her travel agent If she's coming here

He may tell me

Do it Call

Can I have a cappuccino to go please

She's coming in a month

He said that she's coming in a month

We can't wait a month

What do you suggest

We need to twist a pig's ear watch it squeal

Yes clearly

I don't understand that metaphor

We need to put the squeeze on Arkady so the cops jump all over

him and he's forced into stealin' the diamond sooner

rather than later

It's gotta be something big big enough to scare the crap out of

him panic him into action

Arkady just claimed insurance on this building

He upped his insurance policy just before Deacon set

fire to it He used the insurance money

so that he could fix it up and sell it

But the police are still investigating the incident

That's good

That's good You thinkin' what I'm thinkin

Possibly

Yeah

We blow the hell out of the building so the police jump all

over Arkady which should make him steal the diamond faster

Got full crew on the car

Roger Paulie

Go get 'em Corny

Over and out

Yup

All right sonofabitch

Bullseye

Bullseye

My shift

Yeah Hey Tommy

Do you mind if I borrow your gun real quick

Wh what Why

I'm going to the pub next door snoop around

Feel safer having it on me know what I mean

You told Eddie about your visits

It's who cares It's not even a big

he won't even care we're you know what I mean

It's a special edition Glock 26 polymer framed

semiautomatic pistol

Try not to kill a child

No I wouldn't kill a child I'm just honestly going next

Probably going to find something else it's good to have it's

just in case I need it Raaka kaa kaa

So fuck you

Have fun

Let me get a whiskey and whatever the

pretty lady'll like Hello Ted

Ahh you remembered my name

How's the girlfriend then

Ohh no I don't have a girlfriend

She left me when I was on the asteroid

Aww I know and I loved her

I mean I loved her I gave her everything

I gave her cars I gave her love but when you're on that asteroid

saving the world it becomes

you become like a hero and sometimes they can't handle it

Here you go darlin'

well

may the bitch die confused and alone

Fuck yeah

Hey um

why don't you and I get a little dinner

Maybe a drink and talk about this

I've made other arrangements

Excuse me

Where you going

I have to go

Ahh you don't have time for

See you later

If you come with me right now you may find yourself having an

experience so fucking intense it will make you feel lit up

from the inside like you've never fucking felt before

Actually actually no where's your bathroom

Umm In the pub Good

I'm I'm going to use it then you're going to go upstairs

Okay I'm going to fuck you

I'm going to have it I'm going to do this and this

Promises promises eh

Don't be long

I'm just running to the toilet I'll be back

Fuck off I'm having a shit

Yeah yup

Yup yup yup

What are you doing here

Hohow weird

Came here for the fish and chips

It's a good restaurant

You okay

Disgusting little man

Who is that guy

He the guy who took all your cash

Tommy told you

Why do women always go for these douche bags

Why you talking to this guy

You call me naïve but I thought he wanted to get back with me

He wanted money

You want me to kick his ass

I was joking

Forget about him me kicking his ass

Positive you gotta stay positive honey

Glass half Glass half full

You know I saved your life and you said if there's any favor

you could do for me

Katherine look

let me explain It's it's embarrassing

I'm taking these

Katherine

Katherine

Where're you going

Let's not do this Come on have a chip

Sit down Relax

Out of my way

Stop being a douche bag come on

Aaahhh

Get your hands off me you American prick

Fucking hell

Shall I make you some coffee

Where're you been

Nowhere

Stop what the fuck

Is that my fucking toilet paper

Umm No

Yes it is That's my fucking toilet paper

Where's my gun

I don't have it on me right now

What gun what happened

Paul went to Deacon's pub and fucked what I can only assume

was the ghost of Christmas Past

Sonofabitch

Where's my gun

OK It might be in the toilet at Deacon's pub

First thing's first

Where are my wet wipes

They wanted me for Frodo

No shit Frodo Baggins

This is 1999 I was much thinner then

The director he loved me took me to lunch

said I was too tall Oh

To make me hobbit size was gonna add a million dollars

a foot yeah a million dollars a foot for every effects shot

A million dollars

I'm six foot two Yeah you're huge

So they went with the shorter fellow

As you would

Fuck that you know what

I'm gonna put you in my independent movie

Really

Yes Think about it for a second okay

It starts with a fortyfive minute one shot do you like

lens flare I love lens flare

There's so much lens flare in this you're gonna be like Wh,

what's going on

There's so much fucking lens flare

close your eyes Yeah

I'm going to give you the working title

'No More Nothing'

Oooh yeah

Yeah No More Nothing

Think about it I like it

Yeah I like it Paulie

It's dark

it sorts of hangs hangs there

Then it just drops

Into nothing or

Everything

Hey come on guys let's move we've got other floors to do

Let's go

Ordinance working well

Yeah perfect sir Thank you for your help

You're a good man Uncle Martin

Where do you want this

Right there Corny

Yeah pack it to the brim when in doubt

Overload

I spot a fellow military man from a mile away

Ever so thrilled to be working with all again

All this sitting around on cold surfaces

is terrible for the prostate

Prostate we all know roughly where it is

But where exactly is the prostate

Well you know when you shove your finger up your arse

Do people dowhat'd you mean

Get that thing out of my fucking face

You've got to just wrap those things up

Yeah look at it It's disgusting

This is going to save your life one day

Hey guys come on

You still got how long have you had this fucking tampon

For awhile but if you get hurt you're gonna want me to use

I say

Someone's been shopping

Do you want us to

are we blowing we're blowing someone up right

Should we

Yeah let's ahh

yeah So ahh

Don't touch it 'til you're ready

The police have called

They're preparing an investigation into the matter

especially because you claimed insurance on the

previous fire

They found traces of explosives

I'll do my best but we are sailing close to the wind on

this one Arkady

Couple of my sources tell me the police will arrest you in the

next few days maybe even today

Seems they have a personal grudge

Any idea who could have done it

You know in my country you could talk to anyone

judges police lawyers just give them a little something and

they'd make things disappear

Ahh miss it

My people

they understood these ways because they're human

Not like these dishonest bum fuckers

Oh yes

oh yes

Look see if you can buy some time with the police

say um well say anything

Yeah

Yeah look find find your own way out

I've got to go so

Yeah

Okay I see him

I got it

1 2 3 4 and up

up

hold it here

4 3 2 1 let's go

and up 2 3 4 and squeeze

You gotta be kidding me

1 2 3 4 and freeze

Squeeze Squeeze

Ridiculous

What is he doing

Is this like a British thing

We put the squeeze on this guy and he goes to a

fucking Salsa class

I don't think this is Salsa It's some sort of fusion

Nazi themed urban street dance

Tommy

Ridiculous

What else do we gotta do we blew up a fucking building

He spends hours there drinking smoothies eating granola

This is nothing Corny did you get anything today

Bugger all ole fella

Tommy

Nothing there

Great

What've got with Deacon and the boys

Followed them into town saw them for hours lost them like

for 30 minutes saw 'em again right here at the pub

and that's where they are

I have fucking nothing for today

Great we have fucking nothing What are we doing

Eddie What we do

Eddie

Eddie

Stop

What are we fucking doing

I'm sorry princess we gotta go

I'm sorry don't fucking call me Princess What're you

saying You're just going to go back to America

We stay here any longer we're in trouble big trouble

It's that easy for you

Well before you go let me just tell you

that the bag that's in this video is our bag

The same bag you stole which had the bonds in

And the man taking the bag here is Head of Security at the Blue

Iguana safety deposit centre where the Blue Iguana is stored

Arkady's clearly exchanged the bonds you stole for

the security codes

They're going to walk straight in no safe cracking no

explosives just take the Blue Iguana and walk straight out

Your plan to put the squeeze on Arkady actually worked

But if you're just so desperate to leave

don't let me stop you

I need some icecream

You all right

Just tired

Yes

Oh

Hello

Yah

okay thank you

That was the Princess' travel agent

He says she's landing in a few hours staying at a hotel

for six hours then flying straight out

Tell me what happened with Deacon again

Yeah followed him and the apes all day lost them in town for

a bit picked them back up followed them to Deacon's pub

and that's where they are right now

They close the place down for the night

It's Uncle Martin

Arkady just got the train back into town

They stole it today

They have the diamond

They got the diamond

They got the diamond What's happening

They stole it when you lost them

in town for 30 minutes

Arkady must have left town so he wouldn't be around when it was

stolen in case something happened

He's coming back now knowing it's been successful They'll

deliver it to Arkady who'll give it to the Princess today

Gang's protecting Deacon 'til delivery

We need to hit the pub Right now

I don't know if we got to go right now

We can't go there guns a blazing that's fucking suicide

What about this let's think for a second we're not even

thinking we're not throwing ideas out what if we think like

an intricate plan that involves no violence and no guns at all

then we sneak in when they're totally unaware and do it

without shooting or fucking killing cause we could do that

We're sneaky

Let's let's think it through for a second

Why don'tcha sit this one out pal

Maybe I'll watch from the monitor and make sure

Something goes wrong something goes wrong I

Yeah

Someone needs to someone needs to watch the monitor

You know what I mean

Outside in 10

Hey

so I told the guys if we get the rock and somethin' happens to

one of us just keep going

Is this yours

Uhmm

Let me see it

Maybe

It's just a dumb comic book

Final battle castle lies ahead he holds her captive there

I have no fear her love is my shield against evil

For I know she would sacrifice her life for me also

Her love is true

Does it match my blue eyes

Get the car

Going for a piss

You'll be fine

I need to ditch the car

Your timing is perfect

Had some trouble with the police on my way to you

What kind of trouble

Don't know yet Can't move

But where are you

Between places I'll call you in an hour

No d

Where did you go David fucking Blaine

I went to get the car boss

Car Where's the car France

Just round the corner then to get it nice and warm

Get it warm It's fucking summer

The airconditioner in that car has to be warm

It was like fucking Vietnam fucking Syria fucking ISIS all

rolled into fucking one in here

Who's this ISIS

ISIS is a terrorist organization formed out of AlQueda

Watch the fucking news

It does get very hot in that car boss

Shut your mouth

You fucking twat

And move that useless lump downstairs with the other

useless prats

What you laughing at Yankee

I love that accent

It's crazy exotic

You're the one tied to a fucking pool table so I'd keep your

fucking mouth fucking shut

You gonna be here for awhile d'ya think

How much she payin' ya That ugly fucking foureyed cow

Don't worry about her everything's gonna be just fine

I don't fucking thrust her

She could be playing you like a violin man

Eee Maybe I don't know

I just hope I'm fucking wrong about her

You're wrong about her

Hope she cares more about you than the diamond

'Cause you're my fuckin' only way out of here Yankee

D'ya get me

It's him

I've got what you want you got what I want

What you gonna do

All right I'll give you what you want

Though only in a public place

I'm going to send someone over to stay with you see if our

man is OK once you release him to my friend he's safe

I'll hand it over

Where

Mauros Leather Lane 45 minutes

You're gonna have to go in there

No fucking way

They're not going to do anything to you as long as I have this

Anyway they do know you're coming

What the fuck are you talking about

Wh what the fuck is happening right now

Left the gun in the toilet

Oh my god

The gun you left it in the toilet it's still there

I dunno maybe I've no idea

Here's what's going to happen

You go in there see if he's okay you ask permission to

use the toilet you get the gun

I'll phone you when I'm with Deacon say

good luck

get the gun out and start shooting

Just fucking kill them all

Oh no This this isn't 'The Godfather' and I'm

not Al fucking Pacino Okay

Listen listen Katherine I'm not a killer

I know I big myself up to you but

I'm just a fucking smart ass with a big mouth

I'd gathered

The thing is Paul you sat the last one out if you'd been with

us Tommy might not have been injured and Eddie definitely

wouldn't have been taken

I can't do it

You got no choice princess

Ahh

Huh

Think you're smart

Picking this place near a police station

You have any idea what I'm going to do to that ugly face

of yours when this is over

Pop your hands against the wall

Where right over there

You all right

Hey man never been better

Feel great Yeah

You sit down you shut your mouth

Great to see you pal

Over there

What the heck you doing here

Oh I was just passing by

Shut up

I want him out of there then I'll give it to you

Let's see it

I could do with a smoke

Disappearing again

I'm just going to get some cigarettes

You're making a habit out of this

I'll be back

Just get back quicker this time yeah

Can I go to the bathroom please

You scared mate

He's got a bad tummy

Oooh upset tummy eh

Yes

Go fuck off it's over there

What you do What you do

What you do What the fuck you do

Hurry up come on

Yeah

Put their guy on

Hello

Is he OK

Yeah

yeah he's okay

OK well call me when you're both safe

Good luck

Can I get you anything sir

Fuck off

This one's on you

Ugly sonofabitch

Goodbye Katherine

Thank you for the call

You are now debt free

Argh

Now now we don't want to cause a scene

with the local constabulary here

She got the diamond

Of course

She's got it

Argh She's got

She's got it

You steal it then call Katherine to bribe her to take

you to her to the Princess to take everything yourself

Arkady

She stole it

How you tried to steal the bonds by sending those men of yours

You know they turned up with holes in their heads

Hey

What's that smell You smell that

George George

George George George

George of the Jungle

What the fuck is that smell

Do you smell that

Was that in your pants

You got some poopy in your pants

Little poor Georgey Porgey Georgey gottpoopy in his pants

That smells like a skunk with fucking herpes crawled up your

fucking red baboon ass and fucking died

Jesus Christ you stink

Fucking take a bath motherfucker

Shut the fuck up

Fuck

Ah fuck

Waaa

It's okay it's just blood Come on let's go

It's OK come here

untie me

Aaahhh

What you fucking doing Stop the bleeding

Get the fuck away from me Fucking untie me

Jesus Christ

What the fuck is the matter with you

Oh fuck

It's OK OK Let's go and wash up

Is she OK Where's Katherine

Where's Katherine

Hey

Hi What's up

Yeah yup not much

What took you so long

Sorry

Ahh you need to see this

OK we don't have much time

Guys

Did I get everything off

Did did George accidentally shoot himself in the head

because of the guilt of smelling so bad

I had a Yankee tied to the fucking pool table

Yeah

Did did he want a share of the diamond and you

You wouldn't give it to him

What're you talking about

All my men are fucking dead

Well I can see that

I've been shot in the shoulder Arkady

Nice shirt that

Make sure the doors are locked

and come back

You know what I know it's here somewhere

She's got the diamond

I'm not going to look for it

because

you are going to tell me where it is

She's got the diamond I swear on my life

Ahh aaahhh

Shot your shoulder Am I stupid

Am I stupid Am I stupid

Where's the diamond eh

Where's the diamond

But

Yeesss

Who's the boss now eh

Eh

Look at you you're dead

You're fucking dead

Nehnehnehna

Bastard

We have a car are we all ship shape

Yeah Yup

Splendid

Ahh shit

Fuck I forgot you OK

Just don't bleed on my car will you

What you doing here

What'ya done to your hand

Caught in a door

Fucking retard

Got tickets for Barbados got to leave now to catch the flight

You're having a laugh What Now

Yeah well my passport and bags are at me sisters so

We can swing by I gotta see a friend at a hotel on the way

Well are you coming

All right keep your fucking hair on

What did he say

Don't worry about it keep moving

We're going upstairs

Sit down sit down

Do you need me

OK we're going to sit down normal unsuspicious

Wait watch this

What's in your pocket

Nothing

It's only a little firecracker OK

Jesus there's a fucking

cop over there

I know there's a fucking cop over there

It's a it's a very small bomb OK

Very small it's very small

For fuck's sake we're going upstairs to see a Princess

Shh shh

You don't know

You don't know how well do you know this Princess

If you get into trouble I am not helping you out

Come on let's go

Don't tell me what to do

Visiting someone at the Star Plaza Hotel

Oh this is the Premium Plaza Hotel car park you want our

sister hotel that's just 5 minutes away sir

It's a common mistake

Deacon you are a fucking spastic

If you let me in I'll come straight out

I can't do a Uturn

Yes but you'll need a ticket to come in and then you'll have

to pay when you come out

It doesn't matter if you're here for a minute

How much

Christ on a bike It says 10 pound on the sign

He's a bit dim just like his poor deceased father

So sorry about this

Oy Get a move on

Thank you so much

Hi it's about the ahh

the delivery

OK Follow me

Katherine

what are you doing here

Where's Arkady

Umm

well actually I don't work for him anymore

but ahh we have your diamond

You look different

Ohh no no no

Nothing like that

Oy moron Where are we going

Don't tell me we're fucking lost in a fucking car park

We've gotta get to the airport I gotta pack my bags

Get sorted

What the fuck's going on

I said what's going with you you fucking moron

Oh my god you are dim aren't you just like your fucking dad

Right nunce he turned out to be 13 and a half I was

13 and a half when he took my innocence should've had you

fucking terminated

And look at what he produced

Look at it

And look at the little shit he fucking well produced

Come on for fuck's sake Get a move on

Aaarrghhh What

Move Drive the fucking car Move it

What the fuck is the matter with you

Be polite

For once in your life Fucking rude cow

Look at what you fucking made me do

You fucking stupid cow

Aahh Fuck

Let me help you with that sir

Show me

Stephane

Yes ma'am

Stop shaking your leg

Gonna be back in sec alright

Paul no don't

Paul Don't

Sorry sir

can't let you go in there

Wh what's shooting

Some zombie shit

shooting on the roof

Holy fuck is that Kyle Nathan

He's tiny he needs a lot of boxes huh

Ahh we're going to need a bigger box

I'm gonna say hello to him real quick

I can't let you go in there

I'm a film producer I really gotta get inside

It's not going to happen You sure You sure

Yeah You can't go in there

Hey Kyle Kyle Kyle Kyle

They're filming a zombie movie on the roof

Couldn't give a fuck

Right Kyle Nathan's in it

I'm sure you'll give a fuck now right

He's alright Is he

Great friend Okay

Never heard of him

Really

Young guy He's huge

He kicks some punches and all that stuff

He's that guy who jumps in the air and kicks 10 punches

at the same time Oh right

So he hits your balls in your face

Pretty incredible

Katherine

can I ask you a question

Yes of course

Got any coke

No

Weed

No

All right kids let's look alive

let's go

Right

Let's take a little trip to the bathroom

You keep your mouth fucking shut or I fucking drop the

lot of you right now

Now move you bunch of sunglass wearing cunts

Move

Do you want to get some tea and talk about it

Look at you lot

Pack of fucking cunts

Whatever happened to normal fucking people

Like me

My dad

the 1982 England world cup team

Trevor Brooking Peter With

What happened to proper men

Telly Savalas Lee Majors masculine

proper fucking man

You fucking American cunt you're first

I'm gonna get a big fucking knife stab your fat fucking

head stab it so many fucking times it's gonna explode

Then I'm gonna shoot ya shoot ya

between the head

And you you devious foureyed ugly cow

I'm gonna set fire to your tits

with petrol

And you I'm gonna cut your fucking balls off

and staple them to your fucking ears

And you

Groucho

I'm gonna cut your dick off turn it to ravioli and I'm gonna

get this ugly bastard this ginger fat ugly bastard to rape

ya with a fucking strap on

He's gonna have 2 cocks

Yeah

So how does it work Is the strap on above the first cock

Yes

That would just fuck my asshole above my

Shut up Shut your fucking mouth

Listen Billy

Back up back up who the fuck is Billy

You're going for the whole Billy Ray Cyrus thing right

Shut up

Business in the front party in the back

Shut up

How's that song go Give a little bit of that song

♪ Don't tell my heart ♪ go ahead help me out

♪ Don't break my heart my breaky heart ♪

♪ I'm just don't ♪ Shut up

♪ I just don't understand ♪ help me out

Shut the fuck up

♪ Cause if you break my heart my achey breakey heart ♪

♪ It might blow up and kill this man ♪

Shut your fucking mouth

Go fuck yourself

Someone blew up in front of us

Someone blew up in front of us

It's OK calm down

Someone's going to hear you

How did you know it wasn't going to blow all of us up

What

How did you know it wasn't gonna blow all of us

Very small It's a very small bomb

It's like a firecracker OK

Lower your voice cause there's people outside

Lower your voice

The money's all ruined

All of it

Not all of it

We've got a cashier's cheque

You always got to plan ahead

Always plan ahead

We didn't want to carry that much cash so we asked for a

cashier's cheque for 5 million pounds

I'm sorry We have 5 million pounds

5 million pounds

I'm sorry we have 5 million pounds

Guys guys guys guys we have a very big problem there's

no water look at us and the place's full of policemen

And security how the fuck are we gonna get

how we gonna get out

Hey just a minute

Oh Christ

Good fantas

so we're with the mo we're with the mov we're

zombies and we had to go we had to head off go to

craft room but Tommy we're zombies show him

Yeah my mate's tellin' the truth went for a piss we got

fuckin' lost we gotta nip back double sharpish before the

director gives a tug on the short and curlies

Know what I mean

Ooh right Sorry

Of course Go right through sir

Just a minute

Best if we escort you to the exit

Follow me please

God bless you mate

That makes sense that all makes sense

Yes thank you

Audere est facere

What's that

It's Latin It means

to dare is to do

Audere est facere

to dare is to do audere est facere

I like that

it's ahh chivalrous

Paul

good to work with you

Pleasure

Cornelius

Always a pleasure

Eddie

It's been a sincere pleasure working with you again

and if you're ever in London call me anytime

You got it pal all right Yup

You're dependable

All right

Jesus

Flattered

Yeah no

Too much

Katherine

Tommy

Corny you wanna hear about my movie

Why not indeed

It's gonna cost one billion dollars

Yeah

Look after this for me for a second

Farewell chaps

Bye Corny

The road that has no turnings

What the fuck did he say

Hmm yeah don't know

Yes