Original subtitles

Max, look out, you're so tired

you're spilling batter all over yourself.

Ugh.

I knew it was only a matter of time

before I became a battered woman.

This is a huge disappointment.

I heard that.

You don't even know what I'm referring to.

Oh, I just assumed we were talking about everything.

I'm referring to our expensive

new cupcake website.

Not one job offer.

You want a website that will make you feel better about yourself?

Go to models-falling-down.com

Klum goes boom.

It's 3:00 A.M. Who would be coming over now?

I don't know, my dealer, my other dealer?

That guy who always asks if I know where my dealer is?

- Who is it? - You can't handle

what's on the other side of that door.

Yesterday, I saw a guy on a stoop

frenching his cat.

I can handle anything.

Oleg, what are you doing here?

And you put the, "oh, no," in kimono.

Your upstairs neighbor Sophie

is allowing me to have sex with her.

And I came down to borrow some sensual oils.

Preferably, ones that you can eat.

How did you get out of apartment?

You know the rules.

I came down to borrow sensual oils.

Yeah, but no peppermint.

It makes his tongue swell.

And let's face it,

his tongue is the best part about him.

You're right, I can't handle that.

those nice smelling men in booth two

just asked me if I was on the down-low.

What does this mean?

Uh, brother,

I'm gonna need a little more context.

They said, "are you on the down-low,

because we have a friend who is a big-time rice queen."

Again, coming up dry.

Rice queen, is it, like, a Korean dairy queen?

Kind of.

Here's table seven's check, Earl.

Max, the guys at booth two

just asked Han if was on the down-low.

They think he's gay.

That's a step up.

Usually people think he's a lesbian.

Here you go, Sophie.

Uh, Max, Caroline.

Yeah, about last night,

I hope we can keep that just between us girls.

I'm sure we have all done things in the dark

late at night with men that we'd like to forget.

Why stop at late at night in the dark?

How about early morning?

Or a nooner at the port authority bus terminal?

Oh, good.

And you too understand, Caroline?

Actually, no, sorry.

I haven't ever done anything with a man

- that I'm ashamed of. - Oh, yeah.

But your father did steal millions

and millions of dollars.

So... don't forget that.

Han just sat your favorite gays.

Max, their names are Steven and Michael.

And it's not very P.C. To reduce people to a stereotype.

- Hey, girl. - What's up, care bear?

Yeah, they're not stereotypes.

What would you say if they called you

"the big-boob waitress from the wrong side of the tracks

who had sex with everyone in high school"?

I'd say, "that's why I love the gays.

They get me."

Come over and say hello.

They're the first and practically the only

people that ever hired us to do a cupcake job.

Do I have to?

Can't I just stand here and judge from afar?

Come on, and let's not mention how bad we're doing.

We want them to think we're a big success,

so they'll recommend us for their friends' events.

Yeah, because you know the gays, they party about everything.

And there's another stereotype.

- Hi, guys. - Happy leap year!

F.Y.I., people are still talking about

those cupcakes you made for our wedding shower.

- Everyone. - How's business?

Fabulous, amazing, killing it.

Or it's killing us. We're not quite sure.

I'll go grab some menus for you girls.

- Max. - Sorry.

I'll go grab some menus for you ladies.

Love her... so Madeleine Stowe in revenge.

Oh, she is.

- I don't watch that. - We love it.

It's all about a young blonde woman

who's out to seek revenge on everyone

for destroying her family.

Yeah, too close to home.

- Max, guess what. - Caroline, you're not

supposed to tell me I'm on intervention

until the actual intervention.

I just got offered $600

to stay at Steven and Michael's apartment

and watch their dogs while they're out of town

- for two days. - Why would anyone pay $600

to watch dogs for two days?

Well, because, you know, they want a certain

amount of attention to be paid to the...

Just say it, they're gay and they think their dogs are their children.

Max, you have to stop doing this.

I'll stop when they stop.

This is so exciting.

It'll be like a paid vacation at an amazing hotel.

And I need to get as far away from here as possible.

- Oh, where do they live? - Four blocks away.

Well, have a good time.

And while you're four blocks away

having your vacation, I'll be home

maybe taking a little masturbacation.

What are you talking about?

I wouldn't go on vacation without you.

We'll split the dog money to cover the shifts

we take off from the diner.

Well, thanks, but I don't do that thing

where you take off work.

"Hi, I'm Max, I can't go

"to a fancy apartment and have fun.

"I'd rather work in a steel mill

and sing Bruce Springsteen songs."

Max, when was the last time you had a vacation?

Never.

Unless you count the summer I hid

under the front porch from my mom's new boyfriend.

We really need to get out of here.

This is more than just spring break.

It's a break from the diner,

from the cupcake business, from being poor,

from everything depressing right now.

Things aren't that depressing.

Oh.

Yeah, well, I'm sure we have

all done things with men in kitchens that...

We are not proud of.

Spring break is the greatest time ever.

You just go crazy and do shots

and throw all the rules out the window.

Oh, I've done that.

But when you're poor, you just call it Tuesday.

Why are you walking like that?

This is my spring break walk.

These shoulders have shimmied like this

all the way from Majorca to Ibiza.

Try it, Max. Shake a little.

- Shake. - That's cool.

I'll just wait till I get the DTS later.

Maybe I don't have the right key.

Oh, hi.

Sorry, I think we might be at the wrong door.

That's a bummer for the door.

It's over there, 12d.

We're house-sitting for a few days.

Cool, I'm Brendon.

Hey, Brendon. I'm Ashley.

- And... - I'm surprised.

- And also Max. - I'd shake your hands,

but I kind of stink.

I've been at my microbrewery most of the day,

so I am sorry if I smell like yeast.

Hey, that's my apology.

Whoa, all right, cool.

Well, I will see you guys around, yeah?

Yeah, totes.

You have something you want to tell me, Ashley?

I never use Caroline channing on vacation

for security reasons.

I was almost abducted at gunpoint

for a ransom in Mexico city.

Wow, gunpoint.

Were you using the word, "totes" at the time?

Can you take out the paper that has the alarm code on it?

Wow, this place is amazing.

It's, like, the cover of gay gay gay magazine.

Max, you have to stop reducing them

to that gay stereotype.

Now, read me the security code.

It's..."Liza."

A lot of different types of people

like Liza Minnelli.

Oh, look, it's a poodle in a tutu.

That's not gay, right?

Lots of... Lots of different

types of people have a poodle in a tutu...

Named Barbra Streisand.

Oh, there's the book of instructions.

"Hey, girl. Hey, care bear.

"Have fun with Barbra Streisand and Wynonna Judd.

"Wynonna is a little temperamental

"and tends to stay in the bedroom.

"We didn't have time to purge her anal gland before left.

Instructions on page two."

I'm starting to understand the $600.

"Don't worry, it's easy. We do it all the time."

No wonder Wynonna's so temperamental.

"Help yourself to anything in the fridge.

There are portable saunas in the closet."

Portable saunas?

Love it, what is it?

This is so cool.

I'm hot like I'm at the beach,

but I'm not stepping in any used condoms.

Yeah, these are great.

My friend Candice travelstead

used one to make weight for prom.

Are you done with that?

Yeah, switch?

On spring break, I always loved

spending the day at the beach.

Just the chilling and the girl talk.

Yeah. Tell me again,

about the sound the anal gland made when you squeezed it.

Please, stop.

I already told you twice.

And now, wynonna Judd won't even look at me.

Well, not without her lawyer in the room.

I'm hungry. What do you eat on vacation?

Anything we want.

Let's see.

I bet their refrigerator is stocked with all kinds of pates

and cheeses and those parm crisp things.

By the way, nice suit.

You look like someone should be pouring a 40 on you

in a rap video.

Thanks.

There's nothing.

I mean, come on, what kind of gays are they?

All anal gland and no cheese.

I just expected everything to be better.

You know, champagne on ice,

thousand thread-count sheets.

I mean, the towels... They're not even bath sheets.

Wait, the towels aren't good?

Because I already stole two.

They're fine, they're just not

what I was expecting.

What's happening over there?

You could use a little shoulders.

You're right, enough, we're on vacay.

Come on, let's go get dressed and find someplace to eat.

Are you crazy? I am not leaving this thing.

This is the happiest I've ever been in my life.

Okay, we'll order in, pretend it's room service.

They must have a menu drawer here somewhere.

Plus, we'll never find a restaurant

with a portable sauna section.

"Food network party tonight

"to celebrate the release of a cookbook.

Food and drink provided."

Free foodie food, free foodie drinks?

- Yay, let's go. - No, I like it in here.

It's amazing.

Ashley wants to go.

Ashley wants to go.

Fine, but can I bring the dog?

I've always wanted to be one of those girls

who brings a tiny dog to a public place

and just looks at everyone, like,

"yeah, I have a tiny dog, so what?"

You can be whoever you want to be.

You're on vacation.

I'm gonna go invite Brendon to come.

You gotta have a crush on spring break.

Well, I'm sitting in my crush.

Hey, shouldn't you put something on?

Uh, it's spring break.

Aah!

Barbra, get help.

Go, Barbra Streisand, go.

Hey, look at the book title,

306 degrees of heaven: Bacon.

Heaven bacon. That's good wordplay.

It's okay. Not much of a crowd.

Party's a little disappointing.

Bacon truffle, Barbra Streisand?

Mm?

Yeah, I'm feeding my tiny dog a truffle, so what?

Miss, miss.

Excuse me, what are these things for?

Oh, it holds your drink while you get food.

- No! - Yeah.

Yeah, these are great when you see them for the first time.

For me, it was on a yacht

in the Mediterranean.

You know what else these are good for?

Frees up your shoulders to shimmy.

You shimmy. I'm gonna walk over here

and find us a bigger, shinier something to do later.

Later? We're going home

- to our amazing apartment. - Or not.

Come on, Max, it's spring break.

Let's not get tied down.

I'll be over there.

Yeah, we'll be over there.

Oh.

Hi. You're not allowed to have dog in here.

Unless he wants to buy the book.

What are you, some kind of foodie bouncer?

Worse. I wrote the book.

Yeah, nice sleeves.

You get those in the tattoo gold rush of '09?

I'm Zeke. What's your name?

I'm Max. This is my tiny dog.

I take her everywhere, so what?

Hey, Max, you wanna try my thick-cut bacon?

Maybe. Let's just take things slow.

I'm telling you, it serves

the best vegan stew anywhere.

You really should put it in your blog.

Oh, if I write one more article about something vegan,

all of my devoted 10,000 readers will hold hands

and jump collectively out a window.

And I know you like to find what's new and what's next.

Chocolate bacon?

I just need a minute over there.

Hi, couldn't help but overhear.

If you're looking for what's new,

I found these two adorable girls

who run a cupcake business

out of their home in Williamsburg.

I know how that sounds, but trust me,

totally fresh and not at all overexposed.

And you're someone I should listen to because...?

Sorry, didn't introduce myself.

Ashley Emerson, style editor for Elle.

Oh.

If you're interested, I think I might have

a card in here somewhere.

Was holding on to it for Martha.

Mr. Bacon action figure.

A world of bacon sampler.

And I want to apologize for the food network trucker hat,

which has nothing to do with bacon

and everything to do with me being a sellout.

Guess what.

Ashley just gave our card

to a woman who's such a bitch she must be important.

She's a food blogger.

It's a long shot,

but we need to get some exposure.

Whoa, we are on vacation.

No business talk. That was the deal, right?

This is Zeke, chef-slash- author-slash-corporate sellout.

We were, uh...

We were thinking about going back to the apartment

- to hang out. - Oh, sounds fun.

Can I see you alone for a second?

Well, not alone.

I bring my tiny dog everywhere, so what?

Come on, I heard of an after-party in Soho

and an after-after-party in dumbo.

So, let's go-ho.

Have fun and get this vacation started.

I'm holding a tiny dog at a bacon-book party

and laughing with a guy who wrote a book about bacon.

I think my vacation's already started.

All right, well, have fun.

I'm gonna go par-tay.

Eh, did your thing, Ash.

I don't want to say that I'm hot.

But the bacon in my pocket is done.

We said turns were five minutes, you bastards.

Oh, hi. More sauna fun.

Max, can I see you in the hall for a second?

But it's my turn to sweat my balls off.

Don't think the clock's not running while I'm out there.

We're going on a real vacation.

How quickly can you pack a bag?

And don't worry about appropriate evening wear.

Every four seasons has a Gucci

near the Bulgari store in the lobby.

None of those words made any sense.

I think you've had a spring break stroke.

No, seriously, there's a car waiting downstairs

to take us to a private plane.

We can be at Teterboro in 20 minutes

and Tahiti in 8 hours.

The Greek is paying for everything.

What did they give you?

What's the last thing you can remember?

Nothing.

I just had some cristal.

Some cristal meth?

No, I'm just really excited.

I went to the after-party and this shipping magnate.

Don't worry, it's not gonna be sexual.

More like a father thing.

Anyway, let's go... finally got us a good vacation.

But we're having a good vacation.

Max, don't take this personally,

but you don't know what a good vacation is

because you've never been anywhere.

I mean, you walked into that apartment

and your face lit up, like... Like it was amazing.

And that's because you don't know that it's not.

Trust me. I've been everywhere.

And I'm telling you, this is the worst vacation ever.

So let's ditch the bacon freak and the beer bro,

get on that plane, spend one great day at the beach,

and then come back and make $8 an hour.

That sounds fun.

You kind of skipped over the part where we get abducted

and Nancy grace covers the year-long search

for our bodies.

It must be Constantine. He's gonna be upset.

You never keep a Greek waiting.

Oh, my God, Max, we just got an email

on our website from that food blogger at the book party.

She said if we drop off four cupcakes by tomorrow morning,

she'll consider writing about them for her column that day.

Well, what's it gonna be, Caroline or Ashley?

Cupcakes or Tahiti? Your call.

Is the Greek still waiting?

He just pulled away.

I'm sure he'll come back here for Ashley sometime.

And when that happens, I wouldn't want to be her.

Well, after tomorrow, you won't be.

What can I do?

You mean after your two personalities

meet and kill each other?

Max, I told you I needed a break.

I just didn't know it was gonna be a psychotic one.

You really need to chill.

You can't keep freaking out

because you're not where you want to be...

On vacation or in our business.

I mean, it's life. Lower your expectations.

This microbrew is actually really good.

Tastes better in the batter.

Hey, crumble up some of that maple bacon for me.

Sorry about that stuff I said

about you never having gone anywhere.

Why? I never have gone anywhere

or done anything.

And now I'm thinking that's kind of a good thing,

because I can still get excited and make a face

when something's new to me.

'Cause, basically, everything is.

That must be nice.

All right, here, taste it.

My beer-batter, maple bacon, spring break cupcake.

Oh, my God, you made the "something new" face.

I did, because you made something new.

- It's delicious. - Do the face again.

Oh, there they are, the world travelers.

Shouldn't people be throwing confetti or something?

I'm all out.

I snorted mine in the power outage of '65.

How was your vacation?

Well, it turned out to be more of a daycation,

but we had a great time, didn't we, Max?

Yes, we did.

Max, things sure are dull around here without you.

Everyone walking around all P.C.,

nobody called me black. Hell.

I haven't left once since you've been gone.

When it comes to this job, you are my vacation.

Aw.

And that, Earl, is why I got

all five of these gift bags for you.

Welcome, again, to the Williamsburg diner.

This way, please.

I have looked up "down-low" and "rice queen" on Wikipedia.

And, no, I'm not a secret homosexual

or a man who chases only Asian men.

I'm great, I'm straight. Get used to it.

Hi, guys. How was your vacation?

Great. Did you have fun at our place?

Totes. Your saunas are sick.

I know. Could they be any gayer?

No.

Just one thing. Wynonna's still a little upset

about the anal gland event.

What?

I told you she wouldn't know it was a joke.

How could she not know it was a joke?

I mean, who would ask someone to squeeze their dog's pooper?

We're paying you another 50.

Dude, she went second knuckle deep

in your beagle's back door for only another 50?

150.

Thank you.

And just one other thing.

Our business is actually not that great right now,

so if you could recommend us to any of your friends,

- that would really help. - Good for you.

I'm sure business will pick up after that blog blurb.

- Wait, blog blurb? - About your beer-battered

maple bacon spring break cupcake.

We just read about it.

Yeah, in that foodie bitch's blog.

Max, it worked.

Let's go look at the blog on Han's computer.

Excuse us. We'll be right back.

We got a little break and a big break.

Yeah, I did it again.

Yeah.

Welcome back.

You missed the best two days of my life.