Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, this motion picture is dedicated to you.

To you in this theater

and to all refugees from television throughout the world.

We in the motion picture industry

would like to pay tribute to a most wonderful person.

And here he is, the American movie fan.

We also would like to pay tribute to the British movie fan.

Half a mo.

Our hats are off to the honorable Oriental movie fan.

(EXCLAIMS)

This is a French movie fan.

He hasn't seen a movie in years.

In all countries throughout the world,

the movie fan enjoys the movie.

(EXCLAIMING)

Da! Da! Da! Da! Da!

Yes, there are movie fans everywhere but wherever they are

you can bet they would all like to go to Hollywood or bust!

* Land of stardust and land of glamour

* VistaVision and Cinerama.

MALCOLM: * Everyone considers it a must.

BOTH: * To get to Hollywood or bust!

* Kids from Kansas to Pennsylvania

* Soon develop that movie mania

* Driving their jalopies through the dust.

BOTH: * En route to Hollywood or bust

* When I park my tootsies in Hollywood

* Brother, I'm gonna stay

* Till the day those footprints at Grauman's

* Get up and start walkin' away

* Land of burgers and land of wienies

* Bathing beauties in their bikinis

* All agree in Paramount we trust.

BOTH: * So hop a train or trolley

* Out to jolly Hollywood

* Hollywood or bust.

CHORUS: * It looks like love

* It feels like love.

COMMENTATOR OVER PA: Tiny Tim takes the lead.

Bachelor is second.

A Stitch In Time is third.

One length behind is Miss Connie B.

And now it's Bachelor coming up fast.

It's Bachelor and She's A Girl.

It's Bachelor and She's A Girl.

Bachelor gaining ground.

Bachelor has taken the lead.

She's A Girl is hanging on.

Turning for home, Bachelor moves in close.

It's Bachelor and She's A Girl.

Coming into the stretch, it's Bachelor

and She's A Girl neck and neck.

Bachelor is crowding She's A Girl.

It's Bachelor making his move.

And now moving up it's Tiny Tim.

Tiny Tim coming up behind Bachelor.

It's Tiny Tim right on Bachelor's tail.

Say good night to the redhead!

Good night, redhead.

Are you going to let him talk to me that way?

Yeah, yeah. I'll see you later.

How much later?

3,000 bucks later! Beat it!

The boss got awful nervous about his investment.

Give me a chance, Bookie.

I'm playing a sure thing tonight.

Tonight? Who're you kidding?

Tracks don't run at night.

I'm telling you I'll have more than 3 G's in collateral tonight.

Collateral! Talk English!

I just figured the smartest stunt ever pulled in New York.

Tickets, so?

So look.

Can you read? Very funny.

"Lucky ticket wins a car tonight."

That is very good.

Thank you.

Those tickets are for the car, huh?

A duplicate set!

A kid who works for the printer is a friend of mine.

Any number they call tonight, I got it.

That's fine. Now, suppose the legal winner shows up

with the legal ticket, then what?

You've seen bank nights, church bazaars? Church bazaars!

Look, you know they call five and six numbers before they hit a ticket

that someone in the audience is holding.

But tonight they're gonna have a winner

the first time out, then I pay off the boss.

Sounds legit. That's what worries me.

What are you worried about, Bookie?

I got it cold!

You'd better!

You could be cold an awful long time.

Long time, huh?

How about moving up, buddy?

Huh? Oh.

Oh! I'm awfully sorry.

I was reading.

Good for you.

She sure is.

Who is?

Anita Ekberg, my favorite actress.

I saw her last picture six times.

Couldn't be with a body like that.

What couldn't be? Her last picture.

Oh. I get it. It's like a joke.

Yeah, but it was a terrific picture.

You see, in this picture she plays the part of a girl who's searching,

searching, searching!

What was she searching for?

She didn't know. That's why she was always searching, searching.

You see this was a terrific picture.

It was called The Lavender Tattooer,

co-starring Bertrum Lardbutter.

It was produced by the Nathan Brothers

and directed by William B. Hoffmeyer.

Part of it was shot in Lower Tasmania.

That was directed by Howard Rasnevitch.

Costumes by Patricia Wonderstone.

The screenplay was by Willie Rackauer,

Harry Jones and Florence Hershfield.

That was for the woman's touch.

From a play by John and Betty Stetson,

based on an incidental remark dropped by a waiter at Sardi's,

name of Nicholas Blainey, in Technicolor and VistaVision.

You only saw that six times?

That's all.

To me the most wonderful part of the whole picture

was the Bali Bali sequence, where she did the Balinese dance.

(HUMMING)

I'm awfully sorry. That was my fault. Can I help you?

Never mind, kid.

Hey, that printer's kid sure gets around.

Hey, kid, how come you got so many of those tickets?

Oh, well, I come here every night, Sundays and even my days off.

(STAMMERS) That is from the delicatessen.

Because, you see, I'm gonna win the car,

and then I'm gonna drive to Hollywood and I'm gonna meet her.

You're gonna win the car? And you're gonna meet who?

Well, Anita, naturally, you know.

And the reason I say I'm gonna win the car

is because I just have that very lucky feeling.

I feel lucky, that's all.

Well, lots of luck.

Thank you very much. Excuse me.

Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I guess we all know why we're here, don't we?

Yeah, they all came to see me win the car!

Well, I am going to win it.

That's the spirit, young man.

Now I know we're all anxious for the big moment.

And here it is!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(WHISTLING)

Okay, Bookie, it's post time, they're off and running.

Miss Pettywood, principal of P.S. Number 655

will draw the lucky number.

You've got some popcorn in there. Lady, I'm sorry.

Wait, let me just get this out.

Could you hold this, please?

I'm sorry, lady.

Wait, there's just a few pieces here of popcorn.

It'll take a second.

Wait one second. Here. Down. Stay down. Nice hair. Good. Down.

Thank you, Miss Pettywood.

I will read the lucky number slowly.

The minute I get on the stage, you blow.

I'll blow but just outside the door.

"K..."

K. Okay.

"136..."

K136. No. No. K136.

"32." I will repeat the lucky number.

K13632.

What K?

ALL: Aw!

What is it, K39?

(STAMMERING)

Numbers... K136.

K1362. These are R's.

What, no R's, no H's, no M's, no L's,

no R's, no M's, no L's, no K's?

I got it!

(APPLAUDING) It can't be! I got that lucky feeling!

Wait a minute, there's gotta be...

(WHISTLING)

I'd run, too, for a car like this.

What is your name, sir?

Wiley. Steve Wiley.

K13632. That's correct.

I knew I had this number somewhere.

Here.

I've got it! I won the car! I'll be right down!

I got it! I won the car!

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

Wait! Wait! Wait! I got it!

(EXCLAIMING)

Wait! I...

Wait! Wait! Wait! Don't let go.

(SCREAMING)

Wait. Just let me... Wait, I'm coming. Wait. Let me...

Let me... Please, I... Let me... Let me...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Look, you don't want to make a fool of yourself in front of all these people.

You made a mistake!

No, I didn't. The winning ticket's between my teeth.

Yeah? Yeah.

Good luck.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

He's trying to pull a fast one. Now he says he swallowed it.

Come on, give me the key. I'm ready to go.

I know that boy. That's Malcolm Smith

from the Robespierre Delicatessen. I've never known him to lie.

Well, he don't look too well. He's cracking. Look.

You, sir, better take a cab. This car is mine!

It is correct! There are two winners.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm just practicing for Hollywood.

My own car! I can't believe it!

My very own car! Oh, boy!

(CAR HONKING)

Two cars were won and two cars you're gonna give away.

You don't want me to bring legal action.

Now be reasonable, Mr. Wiley.

You don't expect me to give away two cars!

It's a double feature. Give them each a car!

(ALL SHOUTING)

Quiet!

Quiet!

Quiet, please! Bring down the curtain!

Quiet! Quiet!

Here's how they do it in the movies.

Quiet!

Now listen, kid, no matter what kind of a pitch he gives us,

we each get a car. Right?

Right. But this one's mine!

Look, no matter what he does, we don't budge. Right?

Right. But this one's mine!

Now, don't get soft no matter how he cries. Right?

Right. Except I hate to see a man cry.

Well, now, let's get down to cases.

It's comparatively simple, he gets a car and I get a car.

This car is for both of you.

What's "for both of you" supposed to mean?

You both won the car. You both get the car.

Split it between you.

Betty, will you drive this outside for the joint owners?

And if you're not satisfied with my decision, you can sue the printer!

He made the mistake.

He has a very good point there.

Why don't you sue the printer?

Then you'll get your car.

Me sue the printer?

Listen, let's not get hasty, Malcolm.

Maybe the nice man is right.

Maybe he can't afford to give away two cars.

Well, that ain't my fault!

Well, it just so happens that I live in Hollywood.

You live in Hollywood?

Not only do I live in Hollywood,

but this young lady happens to be my next-door neighbor.

(STAMMERING) You know... You know her?

Do I know her! She drives me crazy, Malcolm!

Me, too.

She keeps coming to my back door

and wants to borrow a couple cups of sugar.

Sugar, that's nice, yeah.

A couple eggs.

Oh, eggs, good.

I go over to her place, I borrow a grapefruit or two.

Oh, that's cute.

And we talk over the fence. You know how neighbors are.

Yeah, but this is how my neighbors are.

Let's talk about your neighbors.

Talk about her?

I will personally introduce you to her.

Oh, that's wonderful! Soon as we get out there.

I'm very happy.

We'll jump in the car and we'll go to Hollywood together.

How about that, old buddy, old pal, Malcolm?

Oh, that's wonderful. I've never ever been anybody's buddy before.

Nobody's buddy? Oh, no.

As a matter of fact, you know,

when I was a kid, I was never chosen.

Never chosen? No, not for nothing.

I'll even go further with you.

You know, I never even ever had a pen pal.

No pen pal?

But I wouldn't want her to know that. Anita, that is.

'Cause I wouldn't want for her to think I was peculiar.

That's our secret, Malcolm.

Oh, that's wonderful. Then we'll be pals

like Burt Lancaster and Katharine Hepburn in The Rainmaker.

Yeah.

Our first car! Could I please get in before you?

I love to smell new cars.

Go ahead, take a great big whiff.

(CHUCKLES)

How nice. Oh, good.

(CAR HONKING)

I don't mean to be fashitious.

"Fashitious"? Yeah.

Did I hear "Hollywood"?

Well, he had the legal ticket, see, you understand?

So I had to make off like we're partners in the car.

You have a partner. Remember? I know I got a partner.

Bookie, look, I'll get rid of the kid

and I'll come back with the car.

Oh, I'll wait here. Yeah, you wait right here.

Remember what "fashitious" say.

"Fashitious"? Yeah.

He talks funny.

You like it, old buddy?

I love it.

And we'll keep it nice and shiny

all the way to Hollywood, won't we, Steve?

Sure we will.

(BLOWING)

All right, I'll be back for you soon as I get my things packed.

And I'll be right here waiting for you, buddy.

All right, come on, boy!

Come on, boy! Did you miss me, boy?

Come on, that's a good boy.

Hello, sweet boy.

What is that?

This is my dog. His name is Mr. Bascom.

I thought for a minute it was Swaps.

Oh, no. This is my Mr. Bascom.

Well, there it is, see?

I won the car, just like I promised.

And now we'll go to Hollywood and you'll meet Lassie.

Okay, Malcolm, I'll see you.

Right. Hurry back, buddy.

Goodbye, buddy.

Goodbye, old buddy.

You, too. So long. Get out! Hey, out of the car!

(GROWLING)

Will you get out of here?

Why don't you go down the street, play with Lassie?

Lassie's down there, she's a doll.

Go on, get out of the car.

Okay, sit there! If you think I'm getting my brains massaged

by Bookie Benny on account of you...

Get out!

(IMITATING BARKING)

Get out!

(MR. BASCOM BARKING)

(MR. BASCOM GROWLING)

I'm glad you waited, Steve.

I'm a pretty fast packer-upper.

Hey, Mr. Bascom, where's my buddy?

Here I am.

(SNORING)

MALCOLM: * Land of stardust and land of glamour

* VistaVision and Cinerama

* Everyone considers it a must

* To get to Hollywood or bust

(BARKING TO SONG)

* Kids from Kansas to Pennsylvania

* Soon develop that movie mania

* Riding their jalopies through the dust

* En route to Hollywood or bust *

(BARKING TO SONG)

Boy, I'm lucky.

Do you know when I first found out I was lucky?

When?

When I entered the Send in a Poochy Pup Dog Food Jingle

for the Poochy Pup Dog Food Jingle contest.

You want to hear how it goes?

No, but I will.

Okay.

(TO TUNE OF ROCK-A-BYE BABY) * I eat Poochy Pup Dog Food out of the can

* It makes me eat my food just like a man

* My coat is so glossy, shiny and bright

* My master can find me in the middle of the night *

You like it?

I think it'll live forever, maybe longer.

Yeah, but actually I cheated.

Cheated?

Yeah, you see, I don't really like Poochy Pup Dog Food.

It tastes awful.

But it was worth it to win Mr. Bascom.

You know, I'm surprised you don't take better care of that dog.

Oh, I take care of him. He was with me all day,

under the hot pastrami counter at the delicatessen.

You know, we've been driving for hours and this dog needs exercise.

Don't you ever take him for walks?

Oh, yeah, but you're driving

and I didn't want to bother you with Mr. Bascom's exercise.

Bother me? It's a pleasure, buddy, pal.

Well, gee, it's real nice of you to think about Mr. Bascom that way.

It shows you have a good heart. Thank you very much, Steve.

Go ahead, take him over the hill. Let him run way over the hill.

Oh, yeah, I will and he runs fast.

The fastest dog you ever saw in your whole life. Watch him run.

He's a fast dog. Come on, let's go.

Let's go, Basc. Come on.

Attaboy! Over the hill!

Way over the hill! Good. Way over!

(MR. BASCOM BARKING)

Go on!

(MR. BASCOM BARKING)

(GROWLING)

(BARKING)

(MR. BASCOM GROWLING)

All right, you wait here.

Yeah, I'll wait here.

I'll take the keys.

Why?

Just so Mr. Bascom doesn't chew on them.

Oh, Mr. Bascom wouldn't do that. He loves our car.

You're telling me.

He doesn't trust us at all.

(PHONE RINGING)

BOOKIE BENNY: Hello.

Hello, Bookie? Steve.

(MUMBLING) You fink! Where are you?

Is that you, Bookie? You sound funny.

That's because I'm talking without any teeth.

The boss fixed me good.

But that's nothing compared to what he's going to do to you.

All right, take it easy, Bookie.

Look, I couldn't shake the kid.

He's got a dog big enough to be a winner at Hialeah.

What could I do?

Well, you had better stay out of sight,

because if the boss don't find you, I will!

He wants his 3 grand!

Oh, he'll get his 3 grand.

Look, the kid and I are driving out to Hollywood.

When we get there, I'll sell the car. Then I'll send you the money,

and I'll probably still have enough money

to make a killing at Hollywood Park!

(CAR STARTING)

The car!

He took his... My car!

Malcolm!

Malcolm!

Malcolm! Malcolm!

Malcolm!

(CAR HONKING)

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, I just wanted to try and drive it one time.

How could you start it without the keys?

Oh, there was an extra set in the glove compartment.

I know, you were scared that something happened to me.

You have such a good heart.

First, it's Mr. Bascom and then it's me.

You've got to stop worrying so much about us, Steve.

But I guess that's difficult for you

because you're such a kind man.

Okay, Hollywood, here we come.

* Oh, there's nothin' as gay as a day in the country

* Under the wonderful skies

* For a city-bred feller a field full of yeller

* Is quite a delightful surprise

* For a couple of travelin' guys

* Oh, you don't have to pay for a day in the country

* It's old Mother Nature who buys

* And while we keep goin' the breezes are blowin'

* The cigarette smoke from our eyes

* You'll hear beautiful melodies played by an old water mill

* And a little red barn is spinning a yarn

* To the daffodils up on the hill

* Oh, there's nothin' as gay as a day in the country

* Far from the maddening throng

* A hobo hobnobbin' with bluebird and robin

* We warble a merry old song.

BOTH: * And go rollio, rollio, rollio, rollio rollio, rollin' along

* And go rollio, rollio,

(ECHOING) * rollio, rollio

* Rollio, rollio, rollio, rollio

* Rollio, rollin' along!

(STEVE WHISTLING)

* It's quite a delightful surprise

* For a couple of travelin' guys

* For a couple of travelin' guys

* Oh, you don't have to pay for a day in the country

* It's old Mother Nature who buys

* And while we keep goin' the breezes are blowin'

* The cigarette smoke from our eyes

* How I envy the fellows who live by a shady old nook

* And the cute little guy who's castin' a fly

* At a trout leaping out of a brook

(WHISTLING)

* Oh, there's nothin' as gay as a day in the country

* Here's where I really belong

* Just grab a valise full and go where it's peaceful.

BOTH: * And try vocalizing a song

* While you're rollio, rollio rollio, rollio, rollio, rollio

* Rollio, rollio, rollio, rollio

* Rollio, rollio, rollio, rollio

* Rollin' along

(CAR SPLUTTERING)

I thought you put gas in the car.

I did, but I told them to put very little in

so the gas wouldn't evaporate in the tank.

(MR. BASCOM BARKING)

Will you get that hound out of that car?

He weighs a ton.

Yeah, he does weigh a lot.

That's why he's tired.

As a matter of fact, he's dog-tired now.

He's dog-tired?

(SIGHING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

Let's see now.

Eight and five is 13, then you carry your three and one.

One and six is seven and eight. Eight and five...

What's with the scratch sheet, Malcolm?

Oh, I'm just figuring the first day's expenses, Steve.

Let's see here now. Gas and oil.

Lunch. One corned beef, Steve. One hamburger, me.

Thirteen hamburgers, Mr. Bascom. That's correct.

One chewing gum, me.

One tip to redheaded waitress.

Hey, Steve, how come you made me give that waitress such a big tip?

Just keeping in practice, Malcolm.

Oh.

Breakfast then.

One tomato juice, Steve.

One bowl of crunchies, Malcolm.

Four orders of ham and eggs for Mr. Bascom.

Look, why don't you lay it all out, Malcolm?

Then when we get to Hollywood,

we'll sell the car and we'll square away.

Now, don't bother me with small details, huh?

Oh, well, Steve, let me...

Let me just say this to you... You see...

Please, Malcolm, not now! I'm tired.

Well, couldn't I just one little eensy-weensy detail?

All right. What?

Well, I don't mind laying out the money, except I don't have any more.

You what?

You're yelling at me, Steve.

What did you say?

I said I don't have any more money.

(MR. BASCOM BARKING) I don't know how it happened.

Oh, the road is...

Our car is with the dog!

(STAMMERING)

Well, Mr. Bascom can't drive. He doesn't have a license!

Mr. Bascom! Mr. Bascom!

Mr. Bascom!

Sunday driver!

Driver?

(CARS HONKING)

(GROWLING)

(MOOING)

(WHINING)

Steve!

Steve!

Steve!

(CAR HONKING)

(WHINING)

(WHINING)

(CHICKENS CLUCKING)

(WHINING)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

Malcolm!

Malcolm!

Coming!

(WHINING)

Malcolm!

Come on, Mr. Bascom. Come on, boy.

Never mind that hound! Help me push this car.

Sit, Mr. Bascom. Sit. Stay.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

Come on. Come on.

Bringing back one gallon of gas!

We may not even make it to the next gas station.

Well, don't worry about it, Steve.

I'll get that lucky feeling again.

(RUMBLING)

Better get it fast. I think there's something wrong with the motor.

Oh. That's not the motor, Steve.

That's Mr. Bascom's stomach.

He's very hungry.

He's hungry? I'm starved!

(WHINING)

I'm so hungry, I almost smell hamburger.

Hamburger! Give me some of that!

Ow!

Will you tell him to let go, Malcolm?

Let go of Steve's arm, Mr. Bascom.

That's not nice. Shame on you.

Steve needs that arm to drive with.

That's telling him, Malcolm.

(JALOPY HONKING)

(JALOPY HONKING)

Look at what that guy did to our shiny new car!

Yeah, wait till you see what we do to his crate!

(CAR HONKING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, look at the poor old lady!

I'd rather look at a rich, young lady.

Let's stop and pick her up, Steve.

She might be somebody's mother.

Would you like a lift, lady?

I'd be ever so grateful.

All righty.

Watch it now.

You're a dear, sweet, young man.

Oh, my! Does he bite?

Only me, lady.

Hey, Malcolm, the motor's running.

Oh. Come on.

Sorry.

You remind me of my grandmother. She was awful nice, too.

She used to take me to movies all the time.

Do you like the movies?

Yes, indeed.

What kind of movies you like best?

Oh, Gangster movies. Me, too.

I pack a rod, too, sister.

Clam up, sonny!

Malcolm, will you stop bothering me while I'm...

Stop the car, handsome.

Shame on you.

You're a naughty old lady. Shame, shame!

Shut up!

Listen, lady, one word from us

and that dog will tear you apart.

He's a killer. Get her, Mr. Bascom. Get her. Get her!

(WHINING)

(BARKING)

Well, bless his gentle heart.

Get out!

Somebody's mother, huh?

(GRUNTING)

(CAR HONKING)

Hey, Steve, that fellow's a girl!

Well, come on!

(MR. BASCOM BARKING)

Wait! Wait for us!

What do you think you're doing?

Well, look what you've done to my running board!

Never mind your running board. We need a lift.

Hey, you're wrecking my car!

We got robbed. Our car was stolen.

It's all right. We only had a gallon of gas.

She'll run out. Move over, let me drive.

Can't this thing go any faster?

Step on the gas, Steve!

Look out!

My fenders fell off!

Well, we'll get them later.

Do you see the car?

Who's going to fix my floorboard?

We will. Soon as we catch that old lady.

What old lady?

The old lady that stole our car.

And they're the worst kind.

Like the old lady in Chloroform and Old Calico. That was produced by...

Malcolm, quiet! Do you see our car?

Not yet. Go faster!

Malcolm, will you answer me?

Where are you?

Here I am.

What are you doing out there?

I think I see our car!

Gee, we're lucky. Not a scratch.

It's a good thing that old lady ran out of gas.

Old lady! We're out of gas!

(JALOPY'S MOTOR GRINDING)

She's got gas!

Wait a minute, lady. We're out of gas.

Well, you're lucky. I'm almost out of car!

Here I am, minding my own business, driving to Las Vegas,

and suddenly I'm ambushed!

What, are you going to Vegas in this thing?

My great-grandmother made it in a covered wagon.

But all she ran into were wild Indians.

Well, are you satisfied? You've ruined my motor now!

Oh, don't cry, lady. I can fix it.

I know all about cars.

I'll go get your fenders.

Don't cry, honey.

He knows all about fenders and cars.

He'll get them for you. He will.

Okay, it's fixed!

Yeah, well, what about those?

Oh, those are just spare parts. Go ahead, try it.

(CAR STARTING)

As they say in the French movies, voila!

Oh, I'm sorry, Malcolm, for being so angry.

Thank you very much.

It was our fault, and thank you for the gas.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

(CRASHING)

As they say in the French movies, voila!

Wait.

Voila!

She's a nice girl, isn't she, Steve?

And she's got nice red hair, too.

What's nice about her is the 40 bucks she got selling her wreck.

Now we can eat.

* Let's be friendly

* Just the two of us

* Can't afford to disappoint the moonlight

* My, what lovely scenery

* Cupid's own machinery

* Made to trap a nervous chap like me

* Let's be friendly

* But let's be discreet

* Must I fight the feelin' that I'm fallin'?

* Should we accidentally kiss

* I'd give up the fight

* And we could be more than just good friends tonight

* "Be wise, be smart"

* I always tell my heart

* When it gets to the point where you're dreamin' of her

* That's the time to run for cover

* Not that I'm allergic to romance

* But a guy likes to have a fightin' chance

* Let's be friendly

* Just the two of us

* Can't afford to disappoint the moonlight

* My, what lovely scenery

* Cupid's own machinery

* Made to trap a nervous chap like me

* Let's be friendly

* But let's be discreet

* Must I fight the feelin' that I'm fallin'?

* Should we accidentally kiss

* I'd give up the fight

* And we could be more than Just good friends

* Tonight.

Nice music.

Wrong lyrics.

You have someone waiting in Vegas?

I have a job waiting in Vegas.

You know, as soon as I saw you, I figured you for a gambler.

Relax, honey.

We won't play for keeps.

Look, it's getting kind of late, don't you think?

So that's it, huh? Just chauffeur and mystery passenger?

Mr. Wiley, if it'll ease your mind any,

I'll give you my vital statistics.

Now, you're talking. I like statistics when they're vital.

Well, there's no mystery.

My vital statistics are as follows.

Name, Terry Roberts. Birthplace, Weehawken, New Jersey.

Age, my business. Occupation, chorus girl.

At present going to Vegas to work at the Silver Spur,

and after that, on to Hollywood for an audition.

And after that, future undecided.

You know, soon as I saw you, I figured you for a chorus girl.

You're too close to the fire, Mr. Wiley.

You're getting overheated.

Future undecided?

Now, you can't go around with an undecided future.

People will talk.

But Mr. Wiley, we were brought together

because I had $40 and you needed same.

Well, you got my $40 but that's all you get.

I don't want to get.

I want to give.

Sorry, no takers.

And speaking of statistics...

All right. What would you like to know?

Where I was born? How I vote?

Or how an attractive man manages to stay single?

You get better odds at a race track.

Better than 50-50?

That's only 50-50 on the tote board.

You know, the minute you leave the starting gate, the odds are 6 to 4

'cause you're furnishing a rundown apartment.

Then the odds drop 7 to 3 'cause you need a larger place,

an extra room for the little monster

that your ever-loving comes up with.

Now the little monster grows, becomes a big monster.

School expenses.

Now you've got to start taking everything

that the crummy boss hands out

'cause you can't afford to lose your crummy job.

Little Junior's got to go to college.

"Dear Pop. Need money. Met a girl."

The odds are now 9 to 1 and you haven't even hit the far turn yet.

By the time you get to the finish line, you got to hurry up and die

so you'll have enough money left to pay for your own funeral expenses.

That's a bad deal.

And that's playing for keeps, is it?

It's a parlay you can't win, Red.

Good night, Mr. Wiley.

(BLABBERING)

(BLABBERING)

(BLABBERING)

Oh!

Get out of here, you big mutt! Scram! Get out!

MALCOLM: So I know nothing can go wrong

because I always get the lucky feeling.

What lucky feeling?

Well, it's very hard to describe, but you see,

I get an itching in my fingers

and then a twitching in my left eye.

And then my head starts jerking, see,

like as if I have a stiff collar on.

I have the itching, the twitching and the jerking.

Oh, yeah, like the first time I saw this car.

And then when everything is happening at one time,

the itching, the twitching and the jerking,

I know I can't lose 'cause I got the lucky feeling.

Oh, now, that doesn't really happen, Malcolm.

Well, I won this car, didn't I?

Yes. Yes, you won this car.

Half of it.

Oh, well, then I'm even luckier than I thought

'cause I got Steve as a partner.

Not only is he my partner but he's the next-door neighbor to Anita Ekberg.

Oh, is he really?

Oh, yeah, they're neighbors, really.

Which means she's gonna be my neighbor.

Just think, I'll see her every day.

Just imagine, I'll see her when she's hanging out her undies

and she'll see me when I'm hanging out my undies.

It's just like a dream.

It certainly is.

Where are we?

Oh, Chicago.

Chicago! How did we get to Chicago?

Did I do bad?

You took a wrong turn!

I got too many friends in Chicago I don't want to see.

Now put that top up and let's get out of here!

All right.

Put it up!

There! It's coming up but it takes time.

* When you cross the Mississippi

* Cross the Mississippi

* You're in the wild and wooly West.

Hee-haw!

* Anyone who wants to live ideally

* Take a tip from Horace Greeley

* He said, "Go West, young man"

* He said * Thank you

* Greeley really hit the nail right on the head

* Here we are in old Missouri

* The folks from Independence

* Includin' their descendants

* Are friendly as a rule

* Do tell!

* But stubborn as an old Missouri mule!

* Hee-haw!

ALL: * When you cross the wide Missouri

* Cross the wide Missouri

* You're in the wild and wooly West

(SHIP HORN BLOWING)

* Take a look at that old-fashioned showboat

* I get seasick near a rowboat

* I like convertibles the best

(CAR HONKING)

ALL: * When we're ridin' through the wild and wooly West!

* Here we are in Oklahoma

* Produces much alfalfa

* And celebrated also for buttermilk and cream

* Really!

* And incidentally quite a football team Rah-rah!

ALL: * When you're out in Oklahoma *

* Out in Oklahoma

* You're in the wild and wooly West.

Hee-haw!

* Though there's always been the sweet aroma

* Of the corn in Oklahoma.

BOTH: * Rodgers and Hammerstein agree

* That's nice.

STEVE: * Oklahoma's got a lot of do-re-mi

* Now we're in the State of Texas

* The largest in the Union

* Per capita the richest

* But more than this you'll find.

BOTH: * What will you find?

* The State of Texas.

ALL: * Is a state of mind

(BARKING TO SONG)

* When you're in the State of Texas

* In the State of Texas

* You're in the wild and wooly West

* It's not necessary that you toil well

* Anyone can own an oil well.

ALL: * Nothing in Texas but the best

* Should you want a little gusher be my guest.

ALL: * Santa Fe is quite a city

* New Mexico is pretty

* The population perky

* And all because they found.

BOTH: * What?

* They've got atomic power underground.

BOTH: * No!

* If you've got the mining fever

* Got the mining fever

* You'll find New Mexico the plum

* The plum

* First you scrimp and save a large amount to buy yourself a Geiger counter *

* Hoping you'll find uranium.

BOTH: * Uranium!

* If it don't start tickin' hit the highway, chum

(GEIGER COUNTER TICKING)

TERRY: (ECHOING) * Here we are in Arizona

* The Mecca of the tourist

* They come to see the Canyon

* That Nature has unfurled

* The largest excavation in the world!

ECHO: * World!

* World!

That's pretty.

ECHO: Thank you.

Oh!

ALL: * When you're down in Arizona

* Down in Arizona

* You're in the wild and wooly West

* Get a load of Big Chief Running Water

* Dig his crazy teenage daughter

* Man! She's the rockin' and rollin' best

* Nothin' wilder in the wild and wooly West.

ALL: * The wild and wooly West

* The wild and wooly West

(HUMMING LET'S BE FRIENDLY)

Isn't that doing it the hard way?

Well, no, I once saw Gregory Peck do this in a movie.

Did you see Gregory Peck in that movie?

It was produced and directed by...

Malcolm, in the movies they have the sticks already fixed

so they start burning right away.

Oh, yeah, I know what you mean. I saw Gregory Peck do that.

He took the stick in this hand and then he opened this up, and voila.

Voila. Good old Greg.

Is Gregory Peck one of your Hollywood friends?

Now where do you think he got his gray flannel suit?

(CHUCKLES)

Where's Red?

Oh, she's taking a swim.

Taking a swim?

Uh-huh.

Hmm.

Oh!

What's the matter? I got a stomachache.

Aw.

Yeah, I've been drinking too much coffee.

I'm not getting my nice, warm milk like I should.

Oh, that's a shame.

Do you want me to go get you some nice, warm milk?

Where can you get nice, warm milk around here?

Unless there's a cow near that barn way over there.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, I'll go get you some nice, warm milk.

And don't you worry about it being nice and warm

because that cow's been out in the sun all day.

Sun? Thanks, buddy.

(HUMMING HOLLYWOOD OR BUST)

Don't get overheated, Red.

Good morning, Mr. Wiley. Good morning.

Did you sleep well?

How could I? I was still worried about your undecided future.

Malcolm, would you get me some coffee?

Relax, honey, he went for a walk.

Oh, he went for a walk, did he?

In this heat?

How can the heat affect Malcolm?

He's off his rocker to start with.

He's off his rocker about you.

Why can't you be like Malcolm?

Because I've met "Steve Wileys" before, Mr. Wiley.

Great guys, all of them.

Cut it out.

As Malcolm would say, this is just like

Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr in.

From Here to Eternity produced by...

Well, whoever produced you certainly wasn't after an Oscar!

Don't I measure up to the other Wileys?

You certainly do!

You're all out of the same mold.

Always looking for something for nothing.

I don't like you for what you're doing to Malcolm.

You're going to break his heart

with all your big talk about Hollywood

and your movie star neighbors.

Well, personally I think all you know about Hollywood

is what you've read in The Racing Form!

(HUMMING)

Here, cow! Cow! Moo, cow.

Come on, where you hiding at, cow?

Cow?

Whoa! Oh, wait.

(STAMMERING) Wait.

You're not a cow. I'm sorry.

Excuse me, sir, I just came here to see your wife.

How is the little woman?

Whoa! Wait!

Wait!

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Steve! Steve! Help! Help! It's a bull!

It's a bull!

(EXCLAIMING)

Help! Steve! A real bull!

Steve, Malcolm's in trouble.

Why should he be any different?

Well, he is.

He's all right. He's getting me some milk.

Milk? From a bull?

A bull?

He's milking a bull?

That's impossible!

That's what I thought.

MALCOLM: Oh, please!

Timber!

Timber!

Timber? He's cutting trees.

That's Malcolm, always clowning.

Timber!

(EXCLAIMING)

Whoa, bull!

Malcolm, take off that red jacket!

Now wave it in front of the bull!

Wave it in front of him!

Wave it at the bull!

Oh. You mean like Rudolph Valentino in Blood and Sand?

El toro!

Matador!

Toreador!

Picador!

Kitchen door! Shut the door!

(BELLOWING)

Attaboy! Now he's afraid of you!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SINGING IN MOCK SPANISH)

(SNARLING)

Pretty good, huh, Steve?

I'm just like Rudolph Valentino.

Didn't he fight the bull with a red cloth, too?

No, Malcolm, he had a sword!

He had a sword to fight him with!

Sure he had a sword.

He had a sword to fight him with?

Bull. No fair, bull.

(EXCLAIMING)

Nice bull. Here. Back.

I just came for milk.

The little woman, bull.

Good bull. Nice bull.

Run, Malcolm! Run!

Bull! Bull!

Gee whiz, you saved my life.

You're the bravest. And what a pal.

You're a real pal, the best pal a guy could ever have.

Malcolm, will you forget it?

Well, I can't forget it. You could've been killed.

I said forget it.

I certainly won't.

You know, I made a mistake.

You're a different kind of Mr. Wiley, Mr. Wiley.

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

Yes, but we're only getting to Las Vegas, remember?

ALL: * Tourists come to old Nevada

* To see the Colorado

* Although the movie censor won't let us utter "Damn"

* They can't stop us from saying "Boulder Dam"

* When you cross into Nevada

* Cross into Nevada

* You're in the wild and wooly West

* Where the two-gun bandits once rode nightly

* One-armed bandits now politely

* Help to deplete your treasure chest

* In Las Vegas

* In the wild and wooly West! *

Well, Red, end of the line.

Yes, I guess it is.

I guess it's the end of the end of the line, I guess.

I'll get your bags for you, Terry.

Come on, Mr. Bascom. Come on, boy.

Come with me.

(WHINING)

(WHINING)

Come on, DuBarry.

Mr. Bascom, come back here!

Mr. Bascom! Mr. Bascom!

Excuse me, have you seen Mr. Bascom?

Mr. Bascom? One moment, sir.

Mr. Bascom! Mr. Bascom!

(MR. BASCOM BARKING)

Oh, there he is. Paging Mr. Bascom.

Never mind, he's over... Mr. Bascom.

No, you don't have to... Paging Mr. Bascom.

Go away.

Leave her alone.

Mr. Bascom, where are you?

(MR. BASCOM BARKING)

Oh, there you are. Come back here.

Mr. Bascom!

Mr. Bascom, don't you know it isn't nice to annoy ladies?

I'm awfully sorry, ma'am, but, you see, he... Oh!

It's you!

Live, not on film and not a kinescope, but in the flesh.

And, oh, what flesh!

Thank you for calling your dog, Mr...

Mr. Bascom.

And I'm awfully glad to meet you.

I mean, he's Mr. Bascom.

(STUTTERING) I'm mister... No, I'm me!

I'm Malcolm Smith,

the Malcolm Smith that writes you special delivery airmail letters.

I've licked a thousand stamps for you.

Oh, and I dreamed of meeting you,

and I dreamed of your hair, and your nose,

and your lips, and your chin, and your eyes,

and your fingertips.

We're gonna be neighbors. Neighbors? I just moved.

We can share the same incinerator.

Just think, I can deliver my letters in person.

Go away, you crazy...

Oh! Oh! Wait! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

What are you doing? Anita!

That's Anita. She fell in. I'm gonna go in and save her.

I can't swim but we'll both die together!

Don't push down! Pull up!

Don't push down!

I know. I know.

You told me that, but you are my psychiatrist and you must talk to her.

She's fallen in love with a Great Dane,

and I don't think they're compatible.

(WHINING)

But, gee whiz, Steve, she's your neighbor.

You can square things for me.

Listen, Malcolm, we're going to Hollywood and sell the car.

You got that straight? Yeah.

But if we sold the car here, I'd have some money.

And I could buy Anita a present, then she'd forgive me.

We can get more for the car in Hollywood.

Oh!

What's the matter?

I'm getting it.

I'm getting it.

Looks like you already got it.

No, the tingle in my fingers, see.

The tingle in my... There it is. There's the twitch.

The twitch always follows the tingle.

The tingle, then the twitch, and there goes the eye.

You see it, Steve? There goes the eye, the left eye.

First the twitch.

The tingling fingers, the eye. There.

I got it. Give me some money.

Don't you think a transfusion would be better?

No, give me some money, Steve.

All I got is two bits.

Well, that's enough. Give me that.

Hey! Hey! Here. Let's have it.

(STUTTERING) I got that feeling.

And when the twitch and the arm...

Malcolm!

(STAMMERING)

Take it easy, Malcolm.

You've been with Anita too long.

Listen. Listen. Look.

You're sick. You're sick.

No, which eye... Which eye... Which way?

Which way is the eye pointing? Which way?

Pointing? It's shut.

Well, lift the lid. Tell me which way it's pointing.

That way. That's the one.

That's the lucky one.

Well, there goes our last two bits.

(MALCOLM EXCLAIMING)

Yeah! See, I told you! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

Jackpot.

(STUTTERING) I felt it. When the eye told...

How did you do it? Well...

Oh! Oh! Oh!

What's the matter now? The jerking.

Which way is... Which way is the jerking?

This way.

That's the one. Come on, the jerking.

That's it. Over here. The jerking.

(STAMMERING)

Seven the loser and the next man shoots.

This feels very lucky right here. What...

Craps?

You know how to play craps?

Well, no, but there's no handle on this game. I don't know...

You don't need a handle here.

But I have the lucky feeling.

You have? Yeah.

Here, let me have some chips here.

All right. Chips, yeah.

(STAMMERING) And you put... What do I... Do I hold the chips?

No, you take the dice.

Where? Here.

Take these two dice. Yeah.

Take these and I hold it? And throw them.

What? Just throw them. Throw them.

Throw them. All right. No!

Come here. Here, now take the dice. All right.

Throw them down there.

Yeah, all of these.

Okay, we'll shoot everything. Take these dice. Here, there's...

Not all of them!

Don't throw them... Throw two at a...

Come here, just two dice now.

Well, I don't know, see, and I'm... You just pick up two...

Look at all this... Here, here's the two.

Now roll a seven.

Here's the number.

No, roll it down there at the end, roll a seven.

Come on, a seven. I never...

Eleven, the winner!

Oh, 11. Fine, fine.

You got your mind on a seven. What is that?

11 is fine. Yeah, but we lost everything?

You gonna pay me, conductor?

Pay him, because that was an 11.

Hey, innkeeper, pay this man for that number.

What is it now? I gotta roll again?

Make another pass. Can you make a pass?

Make another pass. I can make a pass.

Go ahead, make a pass.

Honey, how would you... No! Not that kind of pass!

Oh, you mean like this? Yeah, another roll. Shoot them.

Six. Six is the number.

I lost all that money.

No, you didn't lose. Now, make a six.

Here's the dice.

Yeah, but you said a seven before.

Make a six now.

All right, here's a six, two threes is six.

No, you roll them to make a six.

Hit the board and come back. Make a six.

Oh, the same way like before.

CROUPIER: Eight! It's an eight, make a six.

Oh, we lost all our money!

No, we didn't lose anything! Make a six.

Yeah, but you said a six and I made an eight that time.

That's all right, you're allowed to do that.

Oh, all right. Come on, six. Just hurry up. Come on.

Watch your hand, lady! Lady!

CROUPIER: Six the winner.

Six! That's it, six.

That's a good game!

Give me them again.

Let me make sixes some more times.

No, wait a minute.

You got that lucky feeling?

Oh, I feel it in the fingers and all...

Do you think you can make snake eyes?

Yeah, yeah. Snakes look like this.

No, no, make snake eyes.

What snake eyes? I just made them for you.

No, make snake eyes. Two aces. Two aces. One on each dice.

Make it 30 to 1.

Oh, I can do that!

You're sure?

Oh, I'm so excited. Give me the dice. 30 to 1!

Put all of this on snake eyes.

ALL: Ooh!

Put it all on snake eyes.

All of it. That's it.

Give me the...

They're taking the money but they're not giving me the dice.

That's all right, they're not locking it up.

Mister, give me... All right, they're coming out.

Snake eyes. Malcolm, you make snake eyes and we'll change the name of this place.

Don't drown them. Just make snake eyes.

Oh, well, I see them do that in the movies, like the Monte Cristo movie.

Make snake eyes. 30 to 1.

CROUPIER: Snake eyes!

I knew it!

What happened?

Oh! Steve what's the matter? What happened?

Did I do bad? Why did you faint?

You throwed two aces.

Yeah, that's what you told me to do.

You nearly won $9,000 or $10,000, you won.

We won $9,000 or $10,000?

How do you do that? Well, it's the lucky feeling.

Remember I told you about the itching,

and the twitching and the jerking?

I knew something was just driving me to come to this table.

$9,000 or $10,000 is nothing because when I get the lucky...

$9,000 or $10,000?

NEWSCASTER ON TV: On the lighter side, in Las Vegas today,

these two fellows, Steve Wiley and Malcolm Smith,

made history when they pyramided 25 cents to a small fortune

in less than 10 minutes.

Hey, boss, there's Wiley. He's in Vegas.

Las Vegas?

Get me Sammy Ross in Los Angeles.

He can make it to Vegas in an hour.

I concur.

Come on. Come on.

Don't put that on yet, Red.

Mess up my collar.

Steve!

Why, I thought you'd left hours ago.

Malcolm got lucky and I thought,

maybe some of it might rub off on me.

Steve, please.

Oh, don't mind us.

This is making it the hard way, but where were we?

We're on in a minute.

Steve, I'll lose my job.

You just quit.

We're going to Hollywood.

No, no, it wouldn't be any good.

Look, Malcolm and I got it all figured out.

With the money he won, we can get into some kind of a racket, a business.

Real nine-to-five, five days a week, kind of business?

No horses, no... Honey,

we won't even buy our first monster a hobby horse.

You can make book on that.

Now you go ahead and get yourself ready, and I'll find our best man.

And the other guy says, "I didn't even figure I was in the same town.

"I had a magazine, thought I'd wait around."

And he sees that there wasn't even much chance to catch the bus.

Catch the bus.

Waiter!

Catch the bus.

Let's have some more champagne and caviar. Yes, sir.

Waiter, let's have some more champagne and caviar. Yes, sir.

Waiter, while you're at it,

how about bringing us some more champagne

and more caviar? Yes, sir.

Waiter, will you stop jumping around

and please stand still so I can give you my order?

We'd like to have some more champagne...

And more caviar.

Don't be ridiculous.

I've ordered enough caviar.

How much do you think I can afford?

Just get some champagne. Thank you.

Waiter. You're welcome.

Well, bottoms up!

Excuse me, I forgot there were ladies present.

All right, easy, Sammy. You're wrinkling my cummerbund.

I'll wrinkle your brains.

The boss hears you're loaded.

His battery's out of order.

Yeah? You and your partner had your picture on TV.

From two bits to a fortune, they said!

Well, it was my partner's loot. He won it.

So you borrow it from him.

Now, your battery's out of order.

So I borrow from him.

Sammy, leave the kid alone.

I didn't fly up here for nothing, chum.

Maybe I can make it worth your while.

Where are we?

Shh! Terry's asleep.

No, I'm not. I just like it here.

Morning, Terry.

Oh, good morning, Malcolm.

How do you feel? Oh, very nice.

Steve, where are we?

Almost to Hollywood.

Hollywood! Let's go back to Las Vegas, Steve.

Please. I gotta see Anita again.

Oh, Malcolm, why don't you forget about Anita?

You're just another fan to her.

Not after the present I sent her. Please, Steve, turn around.

Relax, boy. A lot of fans send presents.

Yeah? With real diamonds in it?

Real diamonds?

They'd better be real diamonds.

I spent all the money I won on it.

You spent all your winnings on a present?

Yeah, for a beautiful necklace

to go around her beautiful neck.

Before my hands go around your beautiful neck,

how much money we got left?

Don't worry, Steve. I still got your quarter.

Here it is.

Did I do bad? Was it bad? What did I do bad?

Steve, honest, I don't want to sell my half of the car.

Really, it's become part of me.

Can't you think of something else?

I'm thinking of something.

I'm thinking of double homicide.

One for each of your heads!

Look, will you just listen for a second?

This is the first car I ever owned.

Really, it's the first thing I ever owned

that didn't eat Poochy Pup Dog Food.

Look, why don't you be brave, boy?

You know, fly right through it.

You know, like Jimmy Stewart in 30 Seconds Over Tokyo.

No, that was Strategic Air Command. I'm sorry.

That was a Paramount picture. That's all right. But I don't wanna fly.

I just wanna rollio, rollio in my new car.

I love it so much, I even made up a poem about it.

Would you like to hear it?

(TO TUNE OF THREE BLIND MICE) * My new car

* Oh, how it ran

* It's as red as a beautiful slice of ham

* As shiny and bright as a frying pan

* It shouldn't belong to no Stupid Sam

* My new car.

You know, I never thought I'd live to say this,

but I like that Poochy Pup poem much better.

Yeah, I like that one, too. Oh, come on.

Would you like to hear it again? I could sing it.

(LAUGHING)

Well, perfect condition.

You're right, boy. Clean as a whistle.

You read my sign. You know how stupid I am.

Yeah, yeah. I know that.

I'll give you $1,500.

$1,500? $1,500?

$1,500?

Let's go around again!

Oh, come on. Now look, this car's only a week old.

I think we should at least get $4,000.

Cars depreciate fast that first week, boy.

Not that fast, boy. Come on, let's get out of here.

(LAUGHING)

Come on.

I'm sure glad you didn't sell, Steve.

We'd be more stupid than Stupid

if we were ever stupid enough to sell to Stupid.

Oh, inside, stupid.

(SAM CHUCKLING)

No gas? You really are low on cash.

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

There it is.

Here's your half, Malcolm.

Thank you.

Here's your $40, Terry.

I'll get you a cab.

Taxi!

Taxi? Where are you going, Terry?

I didn't know I was going anywhere.

Steve!

As Malcolm said, just where am I going?

You said you had an audition in Hollywood.

This is Hollywood. Oh.

What was Vegas? An audition, too?

That's about it.

I'm sorry I didn't make good, Mr. Wiley.

Goodbye.

Psst.

Don't say anything, but here's a deposit.

I'd like you to hold the car for a few days.

I'm gonna get lucky and buy it back.

Yes. You'd better get awful lucky.

This is a very nice business you have here.

Hey, Steve, where did Terry go?

Never mind where Terry went. Here.

Here's the rest of your money. My money?

You already gave me my half. This is your half.

No, it's all yours.

The whole car is yours. It always was.

I just got in on the deal with a phony ticket.

Phony ticket? Yeah, phony ticket.

I had it printed up myself.

You mean in the theater with...

Well, what's the difference, Steve? We're friends now.

What's the difference how we met?

Friends? I tried to steal your car.

I'd have gotten away with it if it wasn't for that hound of yours.

Yeah, I understand that, Steve.

But remember, I'd have never known

about the phony ticket or the stealing

if you didn't tell me, which means that you're very noble.

You're as noble as Abraham Lincoln or Raymond Massey.

Malcolm, this may come as a shock to you,

but Anita Ekberg isn't even my neighbor.

Oh, I know it.

You know that?

Oh, yeah, I know that, too, from reading the movie magazines.

So you see, you weren't lying.

You were just pretending, Steve.

Pretending? I was lying, Malcolm. Look, I'm in trouble.

And anybody with me is in trouble.

I owe a bookie big money and this is a big bookie.

Yeah, well, that's all right, Steve, because, well, let's see.

I can get you some money. I can get the lucky feeling again.

Where are we gonna find the crap tables?

Under the orange trees?

Wait a minute. You think you can get that lucky feeling again?

I know I can.

Hollywood Park, here we come. Taxi!

Yeah, but I can't go to the races dressed in these clothes.

It's all right, we'll change in the cab. Then we'll check our luggage.

COMMENTATOR OVER PA: Heading for home, it's King Leo by a length,

Limping Home by a head, Dragon Fire by a neck and Hot Rivet.

In the stretch, it's King Leo leading by three lengths

ahead of Limping Home, Dragon Fire and Hot Rivet.

And the winner is King Leo!

(WHINING)

STEVE: You and your lucky feeling.

MALCOLM: Gee, I'm sorry. Come on, Mr. Bascom.

But, Steve, listen to me.

Oh, quiet. I've done all the listening to you I'm gonna do.

Don't be mad at me, Steve. Will you be quiet?

Do you want us to get thrown out of here?

No, I like it here.

Gosh, I can't believe it. We're in the actual Hollywood Bowl.

You know I never slept in a bowl before?

Would you believe it? Neither did I.

It just so happens tonight

I haven't got enough money for a nice hotel room.

Yeah, but I told you before, Steve,

this is the first time my lucky feeling didn't work.

You told me. You told me. Now get some sleep.

But I'm not sleepy. I'm too excited.

Do you realize this is the Hollywood Bowl

where some of the great symphony conductors

conduct some of their great symphonies?

I know. I know.

And do you also realize that the Hollywood Bowl has 20,000 seats,

and it's completely surrounded by 2,496 trees?

(WHINING)

Look, if you don't clam up, one of those 2,496 trees

is gonna have a limp body hanging from them.

Now get some sleep!

All right. You don't have to get mad.

(SNORING ECHOING)

(BABBLING)

"Anita Ekberg starts shooting"

"her VistaVision picture at Paramount today."

"The blonde star is now over the severe cold she caught"

"in a Las Vegas swimming pool."

(MALCOLM BLABBERING)

"Paramount is also testing Terry Roberts"

"for a singing and dancing role"

"in the new Elvis Presley movie."

"Miss Roberts' previous experience was..."

(MALCOLM BLABBERING)

Up, Malcolm. Up, up!

Come on, up. Oh.

You know something? Yeah, I know something.

I was just dreaming about Anita and you know what?

She was wearing my necklace.

You know, it's funny. I dreamed about Anita, too.

And what right do you have to be dreaming about my girl?

Malcolm, all we did was talk about you. Oh, yeah?

And, oh, is she mad at you. Oh, no.

Oh, she's angry with you. No.

Yeah, she said that no nice girl

takes expensive gifts from total strangers.

She wants you to go to the studio and take it back

so I can pay off Bookie Benny.

Take it back? Mmm-hmm.

What do you want me to be? An Indian giver?

Yeah, give her an Indian. That's not so personal. Yeah, that...

Come on, Malcolm. Come on.

Come on, Mr. Bascom. Come on.

Come on, Malcolm.

But, Steve, I'm trying to tell you,

you can't just walk into a studio.

You can't walk into Paramount Studio or any other studio.

It says so in the fan magazines...

Hey, you!

Huh?

Is that a real dummy you got there?

This is really a real dummy.

Cut it out, Steve.

(MR. BASCOM BARKING)

(BARKING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, watch where you're going!

Wait. Let's separate.

Maybe she's in there.

Good idea.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING IT LOOKS LIKE LOVE)

* It looks like love

* It feels like love

* And I confess it's got me rocking on my heels like love

* How else can I account for that unexpected... *

What's the matter, kid?

I'm sorry.

I just can't seem to get with it today.

Maybe I could come back some other time?

CONDUCTOR: Honey, it's a love song. Just sing it like you mean it.

Okay, boys.

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING IT LOOKS LIKE LOVE)

* It looks like love

* It feels like...

* And I confess it's got me rocking on my heels like love

* How else can I account for that unexpected glow?

* That turns the night to day each time we say hello

* It looks like love

* It looks like love

* It could be love

* Yes, it could be love.

BOTH: * But if it's not, it's so darned wonderful it should be love

* There's a lot more I could tell you.

BOTH: * But you take my breath away

* Yes, it looks like love

* Has come to stay.

I thought you were a single.

Only duets from here on in.

MAN: Quiet!

Okay, everybody quiet!

It's her, Mr. Bascom. It's her.

All right, Anita. Now...

Now, in this scene remember, Napoleon is just returning from Elba.

Now, you're waiting for Napoleon, breathlessly, impatiently.

He's your husband. You're his wife.

And you love him and he loves you.

(BELL RINGING)

All right quiet! Roll them! Action!

No! No! Cut it! Cut it!

It's you again.

Yes, Malcolm Smith. I came with Mr. Bascom.

Get that man! Throw him out of the studio!

(MR. BASCOM BARKING)

MAN: There he goes.

Anita, are you all right? That boy, bring him back.

Bring him back here! And get his dog, too.

And his dog, too!

Oh, they won't get you, Mr. Bascom. Come on, boy.

(SCREAMING)

Start praying for a miracle.

(EXCLAIMING)

Steve, they're after Mr. Bascom.

Hello, Terry. Help me.

Malcolm.

Malcolm.

Malcolm.

Steve, we lost Malcolm.

Oh, he's gone.

Who isn't?

You're not mad at me, Miss Ekberg?

Only for giving me such an expensive gift.

You must take it back.

Oh.

Well, isn't there something I can give you?

Yes, there is.

What?

You may give me your dog.

Oh, I could never give you Mr. Bascom.

I couldn't give him away.

I don't want you to give him away.

I just want to borrow him for a while.

Oh. Mr. Bascom would like that.

Yeah, that's all right.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Wendell Niles greeting you

from Hollywood's most famous landmark,

Grauman's Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard.

We're going to see a wonderful picture tonight.

But even more important than the picture,

is the story behind the scenes,

the story of a movie fan and his dog.

Here they come now.

May I have your autograph, please?

Oh, wonderful! Thank you.

CHORUS: * Sound the trumpets in Stardust Alley

* Happy ending and grand finale

* Love, to all men, as some day it must

* Will come to make life merry for Steve and Terry

* Malcolm sweeter on Anita

* Mr. Bascom? Just you ask him

(BARKING)

* Hollywood or bust!

* Hollywood or bust!