Original subtitles

- [snoring]

[alarm beeping]

[groans]

[alarm stops]

[sighs]

- Okay, my first guest today is my son,

ChaseDreams.

[cheers and applause]

Now, Chase, your big fashion show is tonight.

And here's something fun, guys.

I'm walking in it.

- I know, I can't wait.

I'm excited for people to finally see the clothes.

They're really tight. And--and sharp.

- And this is one of the pieces from your line, right?

- Yup, I'm wearing it in orange but it also comes in

brown and bad yellow. And what's great about

these clothes is they're super versatile,

so you can wear them to work if you're famous,

you can wear them to dinner if you're famous,

you can wear them to a wedding if you're famous.

- And what if you're not famous?

- Oh, then I wouldn't really wear them 'cause

they're kinda ugly and you might look stupid.

- All right.

Well, if you at home still wanna try,

pieces from Chase's collection

will be available online tonight at midnight.

- T-shirts start at $4,000.

- Well, thank you so much for being here, Chase.

And we'll be right back

with more "Pat." [cheers and applause]

[bell rings] - Okay, that's commercial.

- Hey, Mom, can I actually talk to you for a sec?

I don't--I don't really care about this fashion stuff.

I just wanna be singing.

And I keep trying to tell Brooke and Streeter

and they're not listening to me.

What do you think I should do?

- [snoring] - Mom?

- [snoring] - Mom?

- Okay, cameras to the kitchen. We're back in--

[upbeat music]

- Just some reminders for the rest of your show.

Don't forget to hold the book up so we can see the title.

Also, the dead daughter's name is Casey, not Cassy.

And Justin Bartha doesn't wanna lose on camera

so we're gonna have you guys tie.

- Sounds good, thanks, Melanie.

Hi. - And also, don't forget me.

- Hi, Streety. - Yeah, we don't get to see

that much of each other lately

so I just want you to remember that

I exist and that we're in love.

- Of course I remember, honey.

- Okay, we're back... - You gotta go.

- In five, four, three.

- ♪ Come to life ♪ - And welcome back.

My next guest has written a new book all about

how we've been organizing our silverware wrong.

- That's right, Pat. So, walk me through

how you normally organize your silverware.

- Well, now I'm embarrassed, but I guess I just usually

put all the forks together,

then all the knives together,

then all the spoons together.

- Oh, okay.

Uh, that's actually right.

So you don't need the book. [laughs]

- Well, I'll still buy it because as I always say...

all: "Reading is good."

- And I just can't believe she's gone.

- I'm so sorry for your loss.

And I think we have a photo of Casey.

- Ain't she beautiful? - Yes.

She seems...sweet.

But like I always say...

all: "You may have lost a daughter--"

- [laughs] - You're going down, Pat.

- Ha, ha! I got you! [buzzer rings]

All right, judges, final score?

It's a tie!

Thought I got you. - [chuckles]

- Okay, guys, that's our show.

Thank you so much, Justin Bartha.

"The Good Fight" is streaming on CBS All Access.

And his new jazz album,

"Here's a Jazz Album from Me,"

is available at Target.

- Yep, there should still be

a few copies left on the ground.

- I'm not singing but Justin Bartha is?

- We made it through another day together

so let's give ourselves a... all: "Pat on the--"

- [snoring]

[knock on door] - Hey, honey.

I just wanted to say hi. - Hey. Aw.

- You looked so beautiful

during the dead daughter segment.

I'm literally getting hard

just thinking about it. - Thank you. So sweet.

I was just trying to take a little nap before my--

- Hey, Pat, just need to grab you for your after show.

- Oh, okay, sure.

And our next question is from @SuperMommy17

and she wants to know,

Justin, which Hangover movie was your favorite?

- I'm gonna say two. - Really?

- Mm-hmm. - That's so interesting.

- [snoring] [knock on door]

- Hey, Pat, we need to grab your mic.

- Oh, sure. Can I just give it to you in one second?

I was just trying to take a little nap before--

- Hey, Pat, need to grab you

for your meet and greet. - Yeah.

- The women are getting pretty antsy out there.

- Okay. - So this is my special

Midwestern lasagna.

Instead of meat, cheese, and garlic,

I do mayonnaise, marshmallows, and Runts.

And I brought a fork so you can eat it in front of me.

- Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Hey, Pat. - Hi.

- Just wanna say that the new girl who loads us in

is not nice, and I'm only telling you because

she's a representative of your show

so I knew you'd wanna know.

Also, the far-right sink in the bathroom

doesn't have soap. And there's no toilet paper.

- Hi, Pat. Can I say hi now?

I'm Kathy from Bemidji.

My husband, Ron, actually died

the same month that your husband died.

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - But just like you,

I moved to New York City to make it happen.

- That's great. - So, yeah.

How do I do that?

Where should I go? Where can I live?

- Um...

[snoring]

- Hey, Pat, now we actually need to get your mic back on.

- Okay, sorry, I don't mean to complain.

I was just really trying to take a little nap before we--

- Hey, Pat, time to head to Times Square.

- Right now? - Yes, well, first we need

to paint your face and hands green

and then we'll head to Times Square.

- Okay, wait, and why again?

[horns honking]

- Sweetie, look how big the TVs are.

- And whoa, that's the Statue of Liberty.

- No, it's not! Surprise!

- Oh, my God, Pat, I love you.

Well, this just made my day. - Oh, I'm so glad.

- And I love you too, Pat. I think you're just great.

- Well, I think you're just great.

- And I also love you, Pat.

I love you so, so much. - Aw, Streety, you're here?

- Yes, excuse me, I'm sorry. Just for a second though,

I gotta bring Chase to another interview,

but I just wanted to run something by you real quick.

- Oh, sure, sure, sure, yeah. - So, I know you don't have

any time off, but if you ever do,

how about this?

A beach vacation. Right?

Just the two of us, you know?

And you don't have to do anything all day

but stare into my eyes.

E-even when the food comes, I'll feed you.

I'll dress you, I'll bathe you,

I'll do anything short of wiping you.

You know what? No, no.

I said you don't have to do anything

so, I'll do it.

I'll wipe you.

- [snoring]

- Oh, you're--oh, you're taking one of your quick naps.

Okay, well, think about it and--

[whispers] I love you. Bye. - [snoring]

Jesus Christ.

- Okay, let's load up and move to the park.

Company move. - Wait, the park?

- [chuckles] Now, my man, I gotta ask.

Between Bambi, a cologne, owning the Nets,

how do you have time for a fashion line?

- Well, when you care about something,

you make time for it. - That's so true.

Now how involved have you been in the whole process?

- Really involved.

Like, the fashion show is tonight

and I'll be there the whole time.

It's gonna be dope.

[singing] Dope. Dope, dope.

- Whoa, uh,

what was that? - Just some singing.

- Okay, well, Chase, thanks for being here.

Hey, stick around 'cause up next,

Jeff Probst is here to sing a song

off his new rock album, "Survive."

- God, is literally everyone singing but me?

- Okay, this is take one of Pat's music video.

- Roll the track.

all: ♪ I've got this feeling ♪

♪ That Monday's gonna be fun ♪

♪ Cause it's our 100th show, oh, whoa ♪

♪ Tell everyone you know ♪

♪ We got games and guests ♪

♪ It's gonna be the best ♪

♪ So everybody watch ♪ Everybody watch "Pat" ♪

- And cut.

Pat, that was perfect. That'll be a great promo.

- Oh, good, I'm glad.

- All right, everyone. I know it's been a long day

but that's officially a wrap on "Pat."

- It is?

Oh, that's so great.

'Cause I'm actually

starting to feel-- - Oh, I'm sorry.

That's a wrap on "Pat," the show.

You still have "Tic Tac Toe," remember?

- Oh, right.

Okay, Ticker, it's your turn.

Where do you want to put that X?

- I'm gonna go top right.

- Ooh, great job, Ticker.

Tacker, take it away.

- Let's do bottom left.

- Hmm, interesting move, Tacker.

Ticker, back to you. - I know it's risky,

but I'm gonna say...

middle right.

[dramatic musical flourish]

- Ooh, sorry, Ticker, you go Toed.

It looks like the Tacker takes it.

All right, that's all for us.

I am Pat Dubek.

I'll see you next time on "Tic Tac Toe."

- And cut. Okay, that's a wrap on Pat.

Let's get her outta here. She has to fly to LA.

- Great, thank you.

- Okay, let's get the audience loaded up.

- How long is a flight to Los Angeles?

- I think six hours.

- Oh, that's a nice amount of time.

- Yeah, so the show thought we could use it

to get ahead on your social posts

for the next month. Monday is Red Nose Day,

so we'll start with a quick vid for that.

- Oh. - Here's your nose.

Then Tuesday is Autism Awareness Day.

- Uh-huh.

- [groans]

God, where are they?

Ee!

Hey.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Yay, you're here.

Chasey, my favorite singer. You excited?

- Sure. - Oh, okay.

Um, hi, Mom, how are you?

You ready to strut your stuff, you sexy bitch?

- Yeah, wait. What am I doing here again?

- What? You're walking in Chase's fashion show.

- Oh, yeah, I knew that.

- Okay, we have to hurry and get you dressed

because the show is in ten.

Oh, and this is your Win-A-Chance.

She's gonna be walking in the show with you.

- What? - Hi, I'm Kathy.

I'm your biggest fan. - Thank you.

[upbeat music playing]

- Oh, hey, Shuli, can you talk for a sec?

I'm just getting frustrated cause Brooke and Streeter

won't listen to me-- - Chase, hold that thought.

This is Ken Foster, he's a buyer for Saks.

- I don't wanna meet a fucking buyer for Saks right now.

- Whoa, he's not usually rude like that.

You got lucky.

♪ ♪

- Hey, uh, Cary. - Chase, this is so cool.

- Yeah, uh, do you have a sec?

I'm just wondering if you can help me with Brooke.

- Hi. Sorry.

Can I just say I'm a huge fan

of both of you? - Oh, thanks.

- And wait, how do you guys know each other?

- What? Uh, I'm his brother.

- Whoa, no way.

I just know you from being an actor.

- You do?

My God.

It finally happened.

Sorry, Chase, I gotta go find Brooke.

Or I guess anyone with ears.

♪ ♪

- Oh, what's up, little man?

Hold on, I'm shirtless.

Let me cover up right quick.

[plastic crackling]

Ah, ha.

There we go, baby. That's better.

What's up, man? You pumped for tonight or what?

- Yeah, I--I guess. Is Leah here?

- Oh, no, she's not coming.

We--we broke up.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

- I'm a little sad,

but it was the right thing to do.

- That's good. Um, can I ask you something?

- Of course you can, little man.

You know I'm always here for you.

What's up, dude? What's going on?

Talk to me.

- [sighs] Okay.

- Lance, I just--

I need to get this off my chest.

Oh, sorry, Chase, I just--

I have to talk to Lance in private,

'cause I'm about to say some adult phrases

you should probably not hear.

Come with me.

Shit, that was one of the phrases.

- Knock, knock.

Okay, Pat, you dressed? Let's see.

[gasps] Okay, yas.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I can't hear you, Melanie.

- [muffled] I'm Carissa.

You look great. Now, stand still.

I'm gonna put your shoes on. They might feel weird

'cause they're technically four shoes.

- I'm not gonna make a whole thing out of this.

I'm not into you. So you don't have to worry.

- You don't need to say this-- - No, I do.

Last night meant nothing to me. Honestly, when I came,

I was thinking about Alessia Cara,

who I'm managing, starting Monday.

The point is, is that I know I've done this

before where we've, like, hung out

and I fell for you like a little girl.

But I'm not gonna do that this time.

I'm not gonna be like, "I love you, Lance.

You're the one. You're the love of my life."

- Don't touch the headphones. - Oh, sorry.

- Because that's pathetic

and lame and you have a girlfriend.

So, now, in a stunning reversal,

I'm gonna give you a shitty, little kiss

and walk away.

- Hey, Pat. - [yelps]

- I'm worried this outfit is too revealing.

What do you think? - I'm sorry, who are you?

- I'm your Win-A-Chance, Kathy, from Bemidji.

- Oh, right, you're the one who your husband died?

Oh, no, you made me lasagna?

- The show's starting in three.

I need all models out now.

- I still need to add Pat's belt.

- Okay then she's gonna have to run.

- What? - Okay, we're running.

Let's run.

[cheers and applause]

- ♪ I'm going straight to the top ♪

♪ I'm on my way to the top ♪

♪ I'm going straight to the top ♪

- Sup, what's up, Los Angeles? What's happening?

My name is Lance Arroyo,

and this little man right here next to me is ChaseDreams.

- Chase!

- I don't wanna say too much,

honestly, 'cause I'll cry,

but I just want you guys to know,

it means so much to me that y'all are here.

And I really wanna dab right now,

but I tried backstage and the plastic on my shirt

almost ripped off my nips so I can't.

So you wanna say anything, bro?

- Just start the show or whatever.

- God, he's really nailing this fashion shithead thing.

[rap music playing]

♪ ♪

- Whoa, this is so legit.

I love that Mom is walking in this.

- I know. It's so fun, right?

- Pat's on the move, I have Pat. We are very--

- [breathing heavily]

- ♪ Take me to a party, drinking all the drinks ♪

♪ Sipping on Bacardi, ain't no time to think ♪

♪ Thinking make you make bad choices ♪

♪ Hearing voices all up in your head ♪

- When you get to the end of the runway,

favor your right side

'cause that's where the photographers are.

You're gonna stand and do three--

[indistinct]

- What--what did you say?

- ♪ Now shout out to the fam 'cause they believe in me ♪

♪ If you tryna strut I'ma be disrespectful ♪

♪ No thievin', hey! ♪

- Okay, I'm here with Pat. Just have to go up the stairs.

Okay, Pat, you're up. Go, go. Walk, walk.

- Sorry, what is this again? Where am I?

- Just go, go, walk. - Sorry.

[high-pitched ringing]

- Whoa, Mom looks so dope. - Yes.

[rap music playing]

- [breathing heavily]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[distorted music continues]

♪ ♪

[all gasp]

- Oh, shit. - What--what?

Somebody call an ambulance.

- Mom? Mom?

Mom!

- Oh, sorry.

Sorry, I was just taking a little nap

but I'm--I'm fine.

- Oh, okay, are you sure?

- Yeah, I'm totally fine.

Uh-huh. - Okay--

she's fine, she's fine.

- And I'm ready to host "Tic Tac Toe."

♪ So everybody watch, everybody watch ♪

That's so interesting, Justin Bartha.

Oh, wow, Justin Bartha.

Surprise, it's me, Pat!

Oh, Kathy, thank you, Kathy.

Oh, Streety. Thank you, Streety.

Wait, there's no toilet paper. There's no toilet paper.

And Justin can't lose, Justin can't lose.

It's a tie! One, one. My Tickers and my Tackers.

Because, say it with me now,

I love autism!

- Okay, Brooke, I actually don't think she is fine.

- That was so scary. - I know.

She looked so out of it.

What was that song she was singing?

- It's just some little music video

for her 100th show on Monday.

- Wait, Mom shot a music video today?

- I'm gonna go check on her.

- [sighs] Even she's singing.

- We have to tell her family. They're all waiting.

No, she's not gonna bounce back, she's braindead.

- Wait, what? She is?

- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm an actor.

I was just practicing.

But that was believable? - Yes.

Yeah, it was terrifying. - Oh, wait.

You're Cary Dubek.

I'm actually in "Night Nurse" too.

- Oh, cool. - Yeah, I only have a few lines

but you know, I'm really trying get 'em right.

So you excited about the table read on Monday?

- Um, yeah, but can you go get the real nurse?

- Yeah.

- She's fine.

She was dehydrated,

but we got her levels back to normal

and she's resting comfortably.

Family can go in and see her now.

- I should be included because I'm basically family.

I'm her lover.

- Hey, Mom.

- I'm sorry.

I messed everything up.

- What? No. No, don't apologize.

- I just got confused.

I think it's just been getting a little much lately

with the show

and then all the Kathys

and the "Tic Tac Toe" and--

- Why didn't you say something?

- I don't know.

- Mom, if you're not happy, I wanna know about it.

You just gotta tell me.

I mean, I'm your manager, you know?

It's my job to listen to my clients.

- Oh, my God. Fuck you, Brooke.

- What?

- Fuck you. - Chase.

- You literally never listen to your clients.

- Wait, what?

What are you talking about? - I wanna be a singer.

And I've tried to tell you like, a thousand times,

but you just don't listen.

- Um, but you are a singer.

I mean, how would you have a fashion show

if you weren't a singer?

- I mean, I actually wanna sing.

Not do all this dumb shit. Why can't I just sing?

- Okay, um...

well, I don't know why only the woman

is getting attacked here. Like, why aren't you

also mad at Streeter? We're co-managers.

- 'Cause I don't care about Streeter.

You're my actual family.

- Hey, we are basically family.

I'm your mother's lover. both: Ew.

- Buddy, why don't we lay off Brooke, okay?

Like, I know you're upset, but she has been

working really hard for you. Her job is hard.

- Well, she wouldn't even have her job

if it wasn't for me.

Also, why do you care?

I haven't seen you in like, six months.

- Jesus, what?

Of course I care.

You and Mom just have your things

and I've been out trying to get mine.

- Cool, well, Mom's in the hospital

and I'm a kid.

So--

- Oh, Chasey, I didn't know you were so mad at everyone.

- That's cause I never see you.

Like, I literally never see you.

- No one does. No one ever sees Pat anymore.

Least of all me.

And it's all Brooke's fault. - What?

How the fuck are we back on me again?

- Yeah, everything here is not Brooke's fault.

- Thank you. - Yes, it is.

You've been piling so much work on Pat,

I never get to see my baby.

- Okay, first of all,

I hate the sentence that you just said.

And second of all, may I remind you

that we are co-managers.

I'm not, like, adding work for Mom

without you knowing about it.

- Yes, you are. - No, I'm not.

- What about "Tic Tac Toe?"

- I--

okay, yeah.

I might have pulled the trigger on that on my own.

Shit.

But Mom said yes.

She said that she was happy to do it.

Right, Mom? - She's right, I did say that.

I said I didn't have to and if someone else wanted to,

they could but if she thought it was a good idea,

I was happy to do it. - Oh, my God.

That's a no, Brooke.

Mom just never wants to complain,

but that's so clearly a no.

She was trying to tell you but you just--

you don't listen!

- Okay, um...

yeah, I--okay.

- Brooke, you just have to learn

to read between the lines.

I mean, how can you not see what you doing to your--

your poor mother?

Okay, you're exhausting her.

You're draining her.

You're suffocating her.

I mean, a woman can only handle so much.

And then it's just too much work.

- Oh, my God, Streeter. You're too much work.

- What's this? - You're too much work, okay?

Your personality adds work to my day.

- No, I'm sorry.

We just established that Brooke is the one

who's adding too much work to your day.

- You're so nice, but you're so needy.

People need things from me all day long.

Every day, every second. I don't like coming home

and having you need me too.

It's exhausting.

- Well, I'm sorry.

I just love you and I just wanna...

spend every waking moment with you.

- I know and I don't like that.

It's not the energy I want in a partner.

It's not good to me.

- Oh.

- Mom, I really am. I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to overload you.

I think I just got distracted

trying to take care of myself.

I mean, not that that's an excuse.

- It's okay, honey. I understand.

I just--I miss my life.

I wanna see my kids.

I only ever see Kathys.

But I wanna see Chase and Cary.

And Jess! I don't even know how Jess is.

- Oh, um, we broke up.

Like three months ago.

- You did?

Then I wanna see Lance. Can I see Lance?

I didn't even know you two were back together until today.

- What? Oh, no.

We're not back together.

He has a girlfriend. - No, he doesn't.

They broke up this morning.

- What? - I just--I hate this.

I hate that I don't even know what's going on

with my own family.

It makes me sad.

- Oh, Mom. - It makes me so sad.

- Okay, I have an idea.

I've been thinking and I know what Pat needs right now

more than anything in the world.

A beach vacation. - Oh, my God.

- No, just... the four of you.

- What? - Yeah.

Just your family.

Your...real family.

- Oh, okay.

Um...

that actually sounds nice.

I would really love that, Streeter.

- Yeah?

- Chasey, what do you think?

- Yeah, that could be good.

- Great. Okay, I will take care of it.

I will handle everything.

The four of you can leave on Monday.

- Uh, wait, what?

- You mean, like, this Monday? - Yeah.

That'll be fine, right? I mean, Brooke, Pat and Chase

are your only clients so you'll free.

And Cary can be gay anywhere.

So, Monday it is.

- Or if you needed a little more time to--

- No. No, no, no, no, no.

It's fine, don't worry about it.

I will figure this out, okay?

Clearly, the family needs it.

And what's more important than family?

- Yeah. Uh...

That's a good point, Streeter.

Just a sec.

Oh, my fucking God.

I can't believe this is happening again.

What do we do, Brooke? What do we do?

Just both give up our things again?

- I know, I--

I don't know, Cary. - I mean, I wanna be a good son

and I feel guilty I didn't know Chase was so upset.

It's just, like, I've been trying at this for so long.

Fuck!

- She's taken a turn for the worse.

You might wanna say your goodbyes.

- Holy shit, what?

- No, no, he's just an actor.

- Jesus Christ, dude.

- It's very good though.

It's very believable. - Thank you, Cary.

See you on Monday.

- Oh, my God.

- So, what do we do?

What are we both supposed to do?

- Oh, this is so nice, Chasey.

I love not being in hair and makeup.

- Oh, I know, me too.

- Okay, I have one Caesar salad for Mrs. Dubek

and one cheeseburger for Mr. Dubek.

- This looks delicious. - Yeah, thank you.

- My pleasure.

Oh, and I also have six orders of tater tots

and sliced cheese on a plate for--

- Ooh, that's for me!

Oh, my God, I love vacation.

- You look so pretty. I love your dress.

- Thanks, Mom.

I know it looks like a lot, but

it goes down quickly.

- Okay. Am I missing anything?

- Um, let me see. One, two, three.

Nope, I think that's everything.

- Okay, bon appétit. - Thank you.

- Wait, so is he just not eating or--

- He said he wasn't that hungry so he's just gonna

split my burger with me. - Okay, gay.

- Brookie. - What?

I can make jokes like that. We're on vacation.

Plus, Cary isn't even here.

- Hey, that burger looks great.

Thank you for splitting it with me, buddy, no homo.

- Streeter, you can't say stuff like that.

- We're on vacation. - Okay, we're all here.

Let's eat.

- Cheers, everybody.

all: Cheers.

- That's sweet, Chasey.

- And Brooke got tater tots for the table.

So nice. - No, no, no, no.

Those are my tots. - These are your tots.

- These are my tots.

- I'll give you some fries if you want.

- I'll take some fries.

Oh, hey, there was a surfer out here

earlier this morning, so cool. The waves were big.

- Can we go surfing tomorrow? - Yeah, absolutely.

It'll be fun.

- ♪ We didn't know we were the lucky ones ♪

- Hey, everybody and welcome to "The Gay Minute,"

sponsored by Advil.

I'm your brand-new host, Curtis Paltrow,

taking over for Cary Dubek

who's about to start shooting

his first movie, "Night Nurse."

Cary, it has been a long, hard road,

but you never gave up

and it's all gonna finally

pay off for you tomorrow,

March 13, 2020.

Anyway, in Gay News,

Laura Dern fell.

- ♪ Hey ♪

♪ We didn't know we were the lucky ones ♪

♪ The lucky ones ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Happy and free under a burning sun ♪

♪ Burning sun ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ We didn't know we were the lucky ones ♪

♪ The lucky ones ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Happy and free under the burning sun ♪

♪ The burning sun ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ ♪