Original subtitles

[mellow chime]

- This is so fancy. - First class to LA, baby!

Doesn't get much better than this.

- Thanks for buying my ticket. - Of course!

You've never flown up here before,

and you needed to experience it.

It's just so much nicer than being back there in coach

with the trash. It's rude to say,

but the people back there can be so tacky.

Whereas up here, they're more refined.

- Pff. Totally.

I mean, these are the upper echelons of society.

- Yeah. - They're the elites.

- Which is why it makes sense that we're up here

because we're elites now, too.

Oh God, can you imagine being surrounded

by a bunch of crying babies right now?

- Oh, I know, gross.

- Can I offer you two a welcome drink?

- Oh! Um... - Oh!

- Yes, please! - Yes, please!

- Thank you.

To us. - To us.

- Mmm... - Mmm!

[upbeat music]

- Lance says everything looks good at the venue

for Chase's show tomorrow. - I can't believe

Lance put together an entire fashion show.

- I know. He's been so on top of it.

I think the show's gonna be really legit.

Anna Wintour is coming!

- She is? - Yeah, she and Chase text.

Also, I got Alessia Cara's email

and personally invited her, too.

- You mean your peer in the industry?

- Cary, I actually do think we're peers now.

I mean, I'm killing it with Chase and Mom.

She'd be lucky to meet me.

- Oh my God, Brooke. - I really think

she could come! I mean, I haven't heard back,

and she is currently in London,

and it's a 12-hour flight from London

for a--how long's a fashion show?

- Seven minutes? - Oof. Still.

She could come! - [small laugh] Sure, Brooke.

- Okay, no more work talk, please.

Mom and Chase fly out tomorrow.

That means I have one whole day to myself

to not think about work.

I don't even want people knowing I'm a manager.

[phone buzzing] - Yes!

This guy I messaged on Grindr in LA just got back to me.

- Ooh, what are you guys talking about?

- Well, I said hi, and he just sent me

a photo of his full butthole.

- Cary, you have to send him one back.

- [laughs] That's-- I dunno.

Maybe I should.

- Wait...really?

- I mean, I wanna be having more sex.

And after Dean Brennon, it's nice that this is

a real live gay guy who wants to actually fuck me.

I'm gonna do it?

Yeah! I'm going to take a photo of my butthole

and send it to this man.

- Cary, this is such beautiful progress.

- Thank you, sister.

- You taking a hole pic, too?

- Yeah.

- [exhales] [soft music playing]

- [muffled] I love this flight from New York to LA.

- Sorry, what? - I was just saying

I love this flight from New York to LA.

There's always so many people in the industry on board.

- Oh. Yeah.

- Last week, Teri Hatcher was where you are.

I got to pick her brain about "Desperate Housewives"

the whole flight.

- How fun for her.

- Are you in the industry?

- No, no.

- I thought I heard you're a manager.

- Oh, yes, I am, of a... UPS store.

So, not what you were looking for.

I'll see you when the snacks come by.

- Okay, how do we do this?

[camera lens clicks]

Oh my God, that's what you are?

[grunting]

[click]

Okay, well, that made it look enormous.

[grunts] [click]

- Skypoint Airlines flight 423 to LAX--

- Aw. That one's actually kinda pretty.

Okay, hope I did it right.

- Is it a picture of your butthole?

- Yeah. - Is there shit

pouring out of it? - No.

- Then I think you did it right.

- Okay, I'm sending it.

Now I can just enjoy the rest of the flight.

Let's see what movies they have.

[phone buzzes]

- Oh. That guy on Grindr sent me his hole.

It's pretty good. - Let me see.

Holy shit, this is Cary Dubek!

- Wait, the actor? How do you know?

- 'Cause it's a live photo. When you press it,

you can see his face at the beginning, concentrating.

Look. Just hold it down.

- Oh, Mike, this is insane! - I know.

You have to text this to me.

- Okay, but don't send it to anybody else.

- I won't.

[phone buzzes] - Why did Mike just send me

a picture of a butthole?

Oh, wait, it's live.

Oh my God, it's Cary Dubek.

- What? [gasps] You have to send that to me.

- Ooh, me too. [phone buzzes]

- It's his full hole!

- Whose hole? - Cary Dubek's.

- Ooh, PopChips!

- Oh God, you have to send that to me.

- Send it to all of us.

[phone buzzes] - So, you were just

on the subway and this was airdropped to you?

- Yeah. He must be freaking out.

- You have to send this to the "Frozen" thread.

- I'm gonna send it to the whole Broadway one,

'cause you know the "Wicked" guys are gonna want it, too.

[mellow chime] - Welcome

to sunny Los Angeles

where the local time is 1:19 P.M.

[phone buzzes]

- That's weird.

I just got a text from this gay guy

I used to dance with who lives in Montreal now.

"Just wanted to make sure your brother saw this."

And there's a photo...

Hold on, it's still loading.

- [gasps] Oh! - Ohhhhhh!

- Oh my God, my hole is everywhere!

How did this happen? It's on LeakedMeat!

- It is? - Yes! This sucks.

- I know, I love that site! Now I can't go on

without seeing my brother's hole--again?

Hi, checking in, Brooke Dubek.

- Isn't this place fancy?

I heard this is where the celebs stay.

- Oh, shit. - Are you in the industry?

- Nope. I make...

toilets. - Fuck!

- Oh. - Yeah.

So I guess that's the end of this convo, huh?

- Oh my God, it's spreading to every celeb porn site.

What's FapNation? - Fuck, Cary.

I'm so sorry I told you to send your hole.

I guess I forgot that you're, like, famous now.

- What? I'm not famous!

- Yes, you are! Night Nurse, Dean Brennon?

- Neither of those are real. - Doesn't matter.

You can't go on Grindr like a regular person anymore.

Honestly, you should kinda be proud.

- I truly don't know how this happened.

I didn't even tell this guy who I was!

- Wait. You didn't? - No!

I mean, my profile says "Cary, 29, Actor,"

I don't show my face. He must have just guessed.

- Then this is great!

You can just deny it's your hole.

I mean, it's your word against his.

- Yeah! Yeah, you're right.

What do I do?

- I dunno, go on Instagram Live

and say it wasn't you.

And then literally put this behind you

and go fuck someone else.

- Right. - Here you go,

two Royal Executive Suites

and a full-day spa package for one of the rooms.

- Everyone needs a toilet.

- Okay..."Hey, guys.

A butthole has recently been brought to my atten--"

No. "Hello. Some of you

have seen a lewd photograph of a bottom--"

It's too formal. "Hey, y'all--" Okay, obviously not that.

[scoffs]

[ahem] [ding ding]

Hey, guys. Cary Dubek here.

Apparently, there is a photo of a butthole going around,

and some people are saying that it's mine,

so I just wanted to pop on here and clear some things up.

It is not my butthole,

I've never sent my butthole to anyone...

Okay, we're getting some comments.

Marc says, "It's definitely your hole, dude."

Okay. Again, Marc, it is not my hole.

Okay, Marc now says,

"LOL it was a live photo, dude."

Okay, uh, Marc, I don't know what you mean by live, but--

"When you press it, it moves

and your face is in it..."

Uh...I--[laughs, mutters]

Well, I don't know whose face that is.

Okay, Ron says, "You're also wearing the same sweater now

as you are in the photo."

Well, guess that is just a coinciden--And, Kyle says,

"LOL, you just made this so much worse, dude."

All right, guys, well, thanks so much for the feedback.

This has been super fun.

I do have to run, so peace and love, y'all!

God--ohhh!

- Mmm...

- Mind if I join you? - Ughhh.

Sure.

- So are you in the-- - Nope!

I'm not in the industry. I'm...

what's the most boring job you can think of?

- An accountant? - Yep! That's what I am.

Night, night.

Uhh--ooh--

- Oh! - Oh, fuck!

Oh...what the hell? [groans]

- Oh my God, your teeth.

- What? Oh no, I'm fine.

I'm just...I'm bleeding.

- It's okay. I met a dentist at the hot tub earlier.

Let me go get them. - No, please.

I do not wanna talk to a dentist.

- Here she is!

Here's the woman who told me she was a dentist.

- Hi.

- Alessia Cara. [dramatic string music]

She came.

- Mr. Dubek, the lawyer will see you now.

- Hi, um, this is embarrassing,

but I need help getting a photo of my, uh,

BH off the internet? - Sorry!

Wrong office. It's the one next door.

- Oh, okay. Thank you for your time.

- Hi there, I need help getting a photo of my BH--

- The office next door the other way.

- Okay, well, why don't you just bring me there?

- How's it looking, Doctor? - It's hard to say.

- Honestly, really, I am fine. - Relax, you're in good hands.

When I asked her where she went to school,

she said Dentist University.

- Ah. - Sounds like one of

the main ones. And this lady's an accountant.

- Yeah. - Cool.

- Uh-huh. - Okay, I'm gonna

go get some towels-- I'll be right back.

- Okay, you do know I'm not a dentist, right?

- Uh, yeah, I am well aware

that you are pop singer Alessia Cara.

- Okay. - It's insane she believed you.

You look like a full gorgeous child.

- Yeah. - And actually,

I'm not an accountant. I'm--

- Brooke Dubek.

- Wait, did I say my name or did you?

- I did. I know who you are.

- You do? - Okay, here are the towels.

Anything else, Doctor? - Yes, yep, she needs gloves.

So you should probably leave, get us gloves.

- Oh, and floss! - You got it!

- Wait--why floss?

- Well, I'm not a dentist,

but I can tell you very clearly you need to floss.

- Oh. Cool.

- Shouldn't be a problem to get the photo down.

We can send cease and desists

to the websites that have it.

- Great, great. Thank you. Thanks.

- I'm assuming it's on all the usual suspects?

LeakedMeat? - Yes.

- FapNation? - Yes.

- CelebrityAss.cum? - Yes.

- CelebrityCum.ass? - We don't have to

keep saying them all out loud, but yeah.

I also need to send one to Twitter,

'cause I tried to deny it was me in the photo

but didn't realize my face was in it,

so people are making fun of me

and posting memes and stuff--

- Oh, that's bad. - Yeah. Bowen Yang from "SNL"

even made a lip-sync of my denial video.

- Can I see it? - Yeah.

- "Hey, guys, Cary Dubek here.

Apparently, there is a photo of a butthole going around,

and some people are saying--" - This is great.

- Yeah, he's very talented. - Oh, hold on, it's not done.

- "So I just wanted to pop on here..."

- I feel bad lying to people, obviously.

It's just sometimes I just kind of want time to myself

to not have to like, talk about the industry, you know.

- Yeah, I totally get it. - It's actually kind of funny

you were doing the same exact thing.

- I guess we're basically the same.

Some might even say we're peers in the industry.

- Yeah. [laughs]

- Sorry. So you would say we're peers in the industry?

- What do you mean? Yeah.

It's actually really lucky this happened.

I've been meaning to meet you for a very long time.

- This is everything I ever wanted.

- Everything that you've done for Chase and his career,

like the fashion line, the cologne--Bambi!

I would kill for a career like his.

All I do is sing. It's humiliating.

Ask me what percent of the Nets I own.

- What percent? - No percent.

I've never even been sued.

- Oh, you should absolutely have been sued by now.

Even I've been sued. - Thank you!

This is exactly what I have been meaning

to talk to you about actually-- I haven't really been psyched

on my managers lately, so I was maybe wondering--

- Okay, I got the gloves and the floss.

- Get the fuck out, Donna!

- Okay, Marc now says, "LOL, it was a live photo--"

- [laughing] God, I love him.

And it's so nice to see someone pop

right away on "SNL," you know? - Yes, the whole new cast

is really coming into their own.

I'm sorry, can we get back to me, please?

- Of course. I can see why

you'd wanna send a cease and desist to Twitter.

- Thank you, yeah. - Unfortunately,

that's not a thing you can do.

It's Twitter. Once you're on Twitter

you're, legally speaking, fucked.

- Oh my God.

[phone buzzes] Sorry.

Hey. - Cary!

You are not gonna believe this!

Alessia Cara just asked me to manage her!

- Wait, what? She's here? - Yeah.

She came, knew who I was, called me her peer out loud,

and then asked me to manage her!

- That is literally so insane. - I know.

She's going on tour on Monday, and she wants me to come along

to discuss the next "phase of her career."

- Holy shit. Are you gonna do it?

- Yeah! I mean...

Chase is killing it, Mom has two hit shows

'cause of me. I think I can do this.

Where are you? I wanna celebrate!

- Yeah. I-I want to, but I'm busy

getting fucked like left and right.

- Oh my God, is this just how you talk now?

Okay, well, have fun. - All right, bye.

Okay, so, what are my options here?

- You just have to wait it out.

You'll be made fun of a little longer,

then people will move on. The worst is over--

- Holy shit, wait, oh my God, it's on TV now?

- A lewd photograph of Cary Dubek,

who's recently been linked to Dean Brennon

and stars in the upcoming film "Night Nurse"...

- Both not real.

- Is making the rounds on Twitter.

And now Skypoint Airlines... - Oh, God.

- CEO Carson Bell has been forced to issue a statement.

- No, no, no, no, no, no. - "Skypoint

"is a family airline. We condemn the way

"Mr. Dubek used his butt in our lavatory.

- What? - "Our customers should be

"able to kick back, relax,

"and use their bare toes to select a movie

"without this disgusting behavior

happening next to them." - How does he even know

I took it on a plane? Even if it is live,

you can't tell where I am!

- Did you watch it with the sound on?

Live photos also have sound.

- Skypoint Airlines flight 423 to LAX--

- God damn it!

I know this isn't your fault, but I do not like you.

[rapid footsteps]

- Yo, what's up, dude?

- Hey, so I just got some pretty big news,

and I could think of no friend

I would rather celebrate with than you.

- Cary's busy? - Yeah, he's getting railed.

But, um, I kind of was hoping you and Leah

would wanna drink some champagne with me, please?

- She actually doesn't get in 'til tomorrow,

but hell yeah, I'm down. What're we celebrating?

- Okay, so you know Alessia Cara?

- Of course.

- Hey Shuli, are you here yet?

I could really use your help--

Oh, thank God. Shuli.

You're a publicist. Maybe you can do something.

- She's not a publicist. She's a milkman.

- That's right. I'm a milkman.

- No, I don't have time for this, okay?

My butthole was just on the news!

[phone buzzes] - What?

- Shit, Busy Phillips

just retweeted the clip!

"Everybody needs to see this.

"Skypoint Airlines is homophobic.

@CaryDubek, I stand with you and your hole"?

No, Busy!

Don't stand with my hole. You're making this worse.

- I'm not sure why you need a publicist--this is great.

You just keep getting more and more famous.

Then again, what do I know? I sell milk.

- Deliver it? - Collect.

- I don't wanna be famous for this.

God, I finally got confidence to send someone

a picture of my butthole, and it ruins my life.

I gotta find this guy.

I am literally gonna beat the shit out of him.

Says he's 4 miles away.

4.1. He's this way.

- [soft chuckle]

- Ladies and gentlemen, she didn't know

what she was gonna do with her life ten months ago

but was just asked to manage Alessia Cara!

Give it up for Brooooke

Dubeeeek!

- Hey-ohhh! - [giggling]

You see that? Hey-ah!

- Yeah! - Uhh!

- Let's go!

Yeah, yeah! - Uhh! Uhh!

- And how many nuggets are in an order?

Okay, we will do six orders of nuggets.

Oh, and are they in a shape?

Like, are they a dinosaur or are they just round?

[mouthing] Round. Okay, that's fine.

- Okay, he was the 16th president of the United States.

- Alessia Cara! - Yes!

Okay, he directed "E.T." - Uh...

Alessia Cara! - Yes.

Just watch this. - ♪ Ready ♪

♪ Ready please ♪

- [gasps] Ohh...

Oh! - Wah!

- Aah! - Ha ha ha ha ha!

[scatting]

- And do you have tater tots?

We will also do six orders of tater tots.

[gasps] And can we get some cheese?

"On what?" A plate.

- Lance, you always call

right when I'm taking a shit!

- What's up, Aunt Connie? - Hi, Connie.

- Wait, is that Brooke?

- Honey Pistachio, Lavender Rosemary, Chocolate.

I think our kids just want chocolate.

- Connie, Brooke, just got asked to manage Alessia Cara.

- Oh, honey, that is amazing. I'm so proud of you.

Who is Alessia Cara?

[both laughing]

- Aah! Ha ha!

- Ho! - Whoo!

- What?

Hi, um...can I go inside here?

- Password.

- Please, I need to...

talk to someone about my hole.

- Yep. That's it. - What?

- Right through the double doors.

You can check your clothes inside.

- Check my clothes?

[thumping dance music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Hole! Congrats on Busy!

- Thank you, sir.

- Oh hey, you again!

We've had two very different days.

- Yup. - But congrats on Busy!

- Wait, Cary Dubek?

It's me. - Cameron?

How are you here too? And where's...Nooner?

- Oh, our pilot didn't get picked up, so we got divorced.

And now I'm this.

Yeah, I live here in LA, and I'm dating this new guy.

His name's Aaron Schock. You wanna meet him?

I think he's here somewhere.

Aaron! - Sorry, No, no.

I'm a little busy right now.

- Oh, that reminds me.

I saw on Twitter. Congrats on--

- Busy. Yes, thank you.

- No, Julianne Moore.

- Wait, what?

- Yeah, you know what's pretty cool to think about?

- What?

- This... - Oh!

- Is one of the best days of your entire life,

and you're still in it. Like, you're in one of

the best days of your life ever...

right...now.

- [laughs] That is such a parody

of something you say when you're high.

- I'm serious, B. It's cool.

- Yeah. No, yeah, I mean, it is cool.

And you're always gonna remember tomorrow.

I mean, you designed a full fashion line.

I always knew you could do that.

- [soft snickering]

- What? - No fucking way, dude.

- What are you talking about? - There's no way

you ever thought I'd have my own fashion line.

- You're right. - Thank you.

- I absolutely did not believe in you.

But I mean, in my defense, I didn't believe in me either.

Plus, when we were together, the best idea you had

was "edible shoes." And now look at you!

That's a full rack of real clothes that you made.

- Thanks, B.

But I'll have you know, one of those fits is edible.

- Is it the one with the flies on it?

- Yeah.

- Earlier today, Skypoint Airlines

condemned Cary Dubek

for a photo he took on one of their planes.

Celebrities immediately rallied around him and now,

some of the biggest names in Hollywood

are vowing to take action.

- Take action? - Julianne Moore tweeted,

"I'm never giving my money to Skypoint again.

"Instead, I'm giving it to Cary Dubek by buying a ticket

to his film "Night Nurse" opening weekend.

Who's with me?" - Oh, Julianne, no!

- That was instantly retweeted by Judd Apatow,

Chris Evans, and Ava DuVernay,

all of whom vowed to see " Night Nurse"

opening weekend as well. - This is not happening.

- And Patton Oswalt just tweeted,

"I'm buying tickets to the opening weekend

of 'Night Nurse' for the next 100 people who RT this."

- God! - "Or eff it--the next--"

[thumping dance music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Earthquake ♪ - Oh, shit.

- ♪ Make the ground shake ♪

- Look at this crown molding.

I gotta get me some of this crown molding.

- [chuckling] Can you believe we get to stay

in places like this now? - Hmm.

- Oh my God, do you remember

that shithole we stayed in for Victor's wedding?

- Oh my God, fuck that place. I hated that place.

- You got so mad at those people.

- They kept coming up and yelling at us,

saying we were being loud,

but it's just 'cause the beds were old.

- I just remember that they said

that if we got one more noise complaint,

that they were gonna kick us out,

and then it took you a full hour to come.

- Well, I can't come if I can't move.

- [laughing]

[both chuckling]

- [breathing deeply]

- [soft exhale]

[moans]

[moaning] - Ohh...

- [moaning]

Ah...ah... - Ahh...

[both moaning]

- [screaming] No!

♪ ♪

- Hey, wait.

Fucking wait. Stop.

- O-okay, all right.

Look, I'm sorry, I sent it to one friend,

I didn't know it'd become a thing.

- Well, it did, didn't it?

And now everyone in Hollywood's seen my hole.

- But they'll also see your movie. That's cool.

- Oh, my fucking God, that movie isn't even--

[phone buzzes] Great.

A call from my agent at midnight.

That's always good.

- Cary, how's it going? - Um...I've been better?

- Well, I have some insane news.

"Night Nurse" is back on!

- What? - Yeah.

So many people have said

they'll gonna see it opening weekend,

the financiers are confident it's gonna turn a profit,

so they're back on board.

- What? Who--who's playing

Patricia Arquette's part? - They don't know.

But they're scrambling to cast someone right now

because they wanna have a table read on Monday.

- Whoa! Really? That's--that's fast.

- Yeah, they wanna keep momentum going

while people are still talking about it.

So can you stay in LA another week?

- Sure. Yes.

So this is really happening? For real?

Like, I'm really gonna be in a movie?

- [chuckles] Yes, Cary.

You're really gonna be in a movie.

Congrats. Guess that hole pic

is the best thing that ever happened to you.

- Yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Yes!

[thumping dance music]

♪ ♪

- I still can't believe

all of these people tweeted about your hole.

[both laughing]

- I know. - But I'm so happy for you.

- What about you? All you've talked about

for the last six months is meeting Alessia Cara

and needing to go to the dentist,

and somehow today you did both?

- Hmm. - Ha.

I'm sorry I couldn't celebrate with you.

- It's okay. I hung with Lance.

- I'm glad you guys are friends again.

- Mm-hmm.

Oh my God, Mark Ruffalo tweeted?

- [huffs] - Cary!

Your two high school dreams--

becoming an actor and having Mark Ruffalo see your hole.

What a day!

- I can't wait to tell Mom and Chase about the movie.

When do they get in tomorrow?

- Mom has a bunch of stuff during the day,

so they land right before the show.

- Oh God, I'm excited to see them.

- Yeah, I think tomorrow's gonna be great.

- And it's so nice that now all four of us are doing well.

- Oh, we should go celebrate after the show.

Get dinner.

- Or drinks.

- Or we can just play it by ear,

see where the night takes us.

- Brain dead? - What?

- What? - The Mitchy--

- I can't wait. - Yeah.

Me neither.

- ♪ Do more, I won't call you ♪

♪ Do more, I won't be here ♪

♪ The more you laugh at me I should vow ♪

♪ I want you back with me ♪

♪ Na, na, do more ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Do more ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Do more, I won't call you ♪

♪ Do more, I won't be here ♪

♪ Do more ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The more you laugh at me I should vow ♪

♪ I want you, want you, please ♪

♪ Na, na, do more ♪