Original subtitles

- Thank you.

- Whoa. Who are these from?

- "Congrats on 'Night Nurse.'

"Think of me for your future projects.

Your fan, Debra Messing."

- Oh, Debra.

- God, ever since Mom put in the "Deadline" article,

everybody thinks "Night Nurse" is still happening.

- Which is great.

You get all the credit for being in a movie

without having to actually film it.

Like Angelina Jolie and all those "Maleficent" movies.

- Yeah, there's no way those were real, right?

- No. They are 100% just posters.

- But I wanted to actually film it.

- I know. It's still cool.

I mean, you have been dying to be known as an actor,

and now you technically are.

- Yeah, I mean, I have been

getting a lot of messages from gay celebrities.

- Wait. Who?

- Ben Platt and Adam Rippon both DM'ed me and said congrats

And Antoni sent me a bunch of hearts.

- How many?

- I dunno, like, enough to make 'em small?

- Oh, my God. Cary, you're in.

- What?

- You are a Respected Gay now.

That is the most powerful thing a person can be.

Famous gays want to know you. They want to fuck you.

Take your pick, baby. I'd choose Antoni.

I mean, imagine having sex with him.

Huh. I can't get my brain to do it.

- Holy shit. I just got a DM from Dean Brennon.

- Wait, the actor? - Yeah.

And he just asked me out.

- Ugh, Dean Brennon is gay? That sucks.

- Yeah. I mean, he doesn't really

comment on his sexuality,

but he is playing George Michael

in that new George Michael biopic "George."

- He is so hot. You have to message him back.

- Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna fuck Dean Brennon. - [squeals softly]

- Or if I'm being honest, Dean Brennon is gonna fuck me.

- Yeah, he's probably gonna fuck you.

- Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

- Chase. Are you so excited for today?

- Yeah. It's nice to be back in the recording studio again.

It's been so long.

- And it doesn't get bigger than "Bambi."

- Wait, what? - Yeah. You're playing Thumper

in Disney's new live-action "Bambi."

It's gonna be exactly the same as the original,

only cost more and look worse.

- But you said I was collaborating

on a project with Drake and Cardi B.

- You are. Drake's playing Bambi,

and Cardi B's playing Bambi's mom.

- But we're not actors. - Yeah.

They don't let actors do voice acting for movies anymore.

It's only singers and athletes.

So it's you, Drake, Cardi B, Shawn Mendes is Mr. Mole,

and Damian Davis from the "Golden State Warriors"

is Flower.

All right, let's get in there. Let's make some vocal magic.

- Damian?

My friend Lance is a huge fan and wanted me to say hi,

and that you almost have the same birthday.

His is January 11th and yours is February 8th.

- Oh, wow, twins. - [squeals softly]

- Okay, let's go for one.

"Bambi" scene 12. Thumper and Flower, take one.

- What's wrong with your legs, Flower?

Why can't they jump?

- Cause I'm not a rabbit like you,

I'm just a little skunk.

- Great. Let's go again.

- Oh, hey, Mom got an offer

to host a prime time game show for NBC.

They're doing "Tic Tac Toe" now.

What do you think?

- Oh, another thing? And at night?

- Yeah. I was gonna pass cause it seems like a cash grab.

- Yeah, I think that's cool. That's probably cool.

Okay, I still have some time with her.

- No, silly Bambi. Those are called birds.

Say it with me. B-b-b-birds.

- This sucks.

- Yeah, sorry, man. I'm trying my best.

[phone chimes] - Oh. It's official.

Our own Cary Donald Dubek

is now on a date with Dean Brennon.

- What? He is? - Yeah.

He's going to literally, like, fuck a celebrity.

God, I wanna fuck a celebrity.

- What's wrong with your legs, Flower?

- Okay, Damian.

- Sorry, I--I just gotta say, you are so hot.

[laughter]

- You're pretty hot yourself.

- Oh, my God. [chuckles]

- Is everything okay?

- Yeah, I just wanna make sure

people can see it's me in these.

[shutters clicking]

- Sorry 'bout these guys. They're obsessed with me.

- Dean, you two together? You having sex?

- Guys, I don't comment on my sexuality.

- [chuckles] That's so modern.

But can I tell them we're on a date?

Just 'cause otherwise

it might look like you're babysitting me.

- [chuckles] Sorry.

I like to keep my personal life personal.

- Totally. Totally. Yeah. Do you wanna move inside or?

- No. That's okay. Man, your hair is amazing.

What kind of product do you use?

- Oh, my God. Now you are touching me.

- Whoa, looks like somebody has a comment.

Cary, let's talk about that big boner you have under the table.

- All right, well, I--I also like

to keep my personal life personal, guys. So.

- [laughing] - No, you get it.

- Yeah.

- So I mean, your friend loves me. But what about you?

- Well, I didn't before,

but now that you're sitting in front of me,

there's just so much to work with.

[chuckles]

- Listen, I'm just here for the night,

but would you wanna come over for a drink?

I have an apartment here. - Oh. Yeah. That'd be great.

- Hey, Damian. We're ready for you.

- All right. They're ready for me.

- Okay. Good luck, Flower.

[phone line trilling]

- Hey, B.

- Lance, Damian Davis just invited me

to his place for a drink.

- What? My Damian Davis?

Hey, Leah's here right now. Mind if I put her on speaker?

- Oh, absolutely.

This is actually the perfect introduction to me.

Hi, Leah. Nice to meet you.

- Hey, Brooke. You too. Wait, which one's Damian Davis?

- The one with the beard you like.

- Oh, my God, Brooke, he is so hot.

And seems kind of funny?

- Leah, he's hilarious.

- Okay, you have to keep us posted.

- Yeah, tell us everything. - Um, dur.

[squeals softly]

- All right, let's go again from the top.

- Hey, how much longer is this gonna take?

- Um, as long as it takes, bud.

Guess who's going to Damian Davis' for a drink later?

Looks like Cary isn't

the only one who's gonna fuck a celebrity.

- Yeah, I gotta say, I love that shirt on you.

- Oh, thanks. - Do you mind if I--

- Touch my neck in front of a thousand cameras?

Absolutely not.

- Oh.

Mossimo. - [chuckles]

So I don't wanna leave this for even one second,

but I--I have to go to the bathroom.

- Don't worry, I won't go anywhere.

- All right.

[sighs]

- Cary Dubek, I have important information you need to know.

- What?

- Dean Brennon's not who he says.

You're being gay-baited.

- Excuse me? Who are you?

- [soft, squeaky fart]

I cannot tell you who I am. - Why not?

- Because I farted and I'm embarrassed.

It's Shuli. - Shuli?

- Shh! Keep your voice down.

I shouldn't even be here.

It's breaking The Publicist Code.

But when I saw the paparazzi pics online,

I felt like I needed to tell you.

Dean Brennon is straight. Like, super straight.

- What? No, he's not.

He's playing George

in the new George Michael biopic, "George."

- Cary, you should know better than anyone

that only straight people play gay roles.

But to get more press while he promotes his movie,

he's trying to make it seem like maybe,

just maybe he's gay so people will talk about him more.

It's PR 101.

- No, no, he literally won't stop touching me.

- On the lips? Or is he just touching your hair,

checking your shirt tag for the cameras?

Look, you're the new, hot gay on the scene.

He wants to ride your gay without ever riding your ass.

Want proof? Go to this address.

Now, I gotta go.

To the bathroom! Get the hell out of here.

- Okay.

- Hey.

Would you maybe wanna go back to my place now?

- Oh, really? Wow, yeah.

Yes, that is exactly what I wanna do.

Great, let's go.

God, Shuli is such an idiot.

[camera shutters clicking]

- Mm, this wine is so good. What is it?

- Okay, but you can't make fun of me

'cause I'm kind of a wine freak.

It's a 2014 Domaine Laroche Chablis.

- Ooh, it's fancy.

Um, where's your bathroom? I just need to go real quick.

Okay, it's going really well.

We're having a Donny Lachey Chablis.

- Ooh, I gotta order me some of that.

- Does he look hot drinking it? - Oh, my God, girl, so hot.

Okay, I gotta get back out there.

I'll call if anything else happens.

[door shuts]

Hey. - Hey.

- Sorry about that. Where were we?

- I think we were maybe at here.

- I have to go to the bathroom again.

[elevator bell rings]

- So here we are. What do you think?

- It's great.

Would you maybe wanna show me the bedroom?

- Of course.

Or wait, I forgot about my dog, Boomer.

We should probably take him out first.

Hey! [claps]

- What's that?

- Dean Brennon!

Walking his dog with Night Nurse!

Are you two more than friends?

- Guys, I don't comment on my sexuality.

Jeez, how do they always find me?

Let's just go back to your place.

- Okay, yes. Please.

So here we are.

And right back here is the bedroom.

- Cool.

But wait, Cary, your trash is full.

Let me take it out for you first.

- Sorry, take out my-- - Dean Brennon!

Taking out Night Nurse's trash!

You two official? You moving in together?

- You found me again?

Guys, I wanna keep my personal life personal.

[camera shutters clicking]

Jesus, I'm so sorry about that. - It's okay.

It's just getting late,

and I'd really like to head to the bedroom.

- Yes, of course.

I'll let you get some sleep.

- No, no, no, that's not--

- But I'll be back at dawn with two coffees.

Maybe we can walk up and down Fifth Avenue

and drink them together?

Night. [door shuts]

- Sorry. Small bladder.

Okay, things are escalating quickly.

He just took off my shirt.

both: Oh, my God!

- Okay, now I took off his shirt.

- Ooh!

- Is everything all right?

- Okay, now we're both naked. I think we're gonna have sex?

- What?

Okay, we're having sex!

[screaming]

[bottle shatters] - [giggles]

[siren wailing]

[phone buzzing]

- Oh, hey, Dean.

- Cary. Where are you? I have our coffees.

- I had to go into work early. - Oh, bummer.

Well, I was wondering if you wanted

to come to the Equality Gala with me tonight?

- Oh, um--

- I won't take no for an answer.

Come over later, we can get ready together.

[line clicks]

[baby crying]

[thunder rumbling]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[knocking]

- What do you want?

- My name's Cary. Um, I need your help.

- This is a private residence. Go away.

- It's about Dean Brennon! [thunder rumbles]

[locks rattling]

Sorry, I--I heard you might have proof

Dean Brennon is straight.

- I'm the proof. We used to date.

- Oh, my God. You're Jordana Brewster?

- Please keep your voice down. - Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah.

I just--

I just watched every "Fast and the Furious" movie

with my old roommate.

- Aw, that's so cool. Thank you.

But, you know, it's so weird.

Everyone sees me as this, like, badass action chick

when really I'm just this total nerd

who majored in theater studies.

- Oh, cool.

- Yeah, I went to this college in New Haven.

Doesn't really matter which college,

but it was in New Haven.

- I'm sorry, Ms. Brewster, can we focus?

I'm being gay-baited.

- [clicks tongue] Yeah.

So Dean and I dated for two weeks in 2010.

We met shooting a "Scooby-Doo-Flintstones"

live action crossover film called "Scooby-Doo 4:

Yabba Dabba Dooby." [thunder rumbles]

- But when I Google Dean Brennon Jordana Brewster,

nothing comes up.

- That's because he had me scrubbed.

Getty Images, his Wiki, there's no trace of me anywhere.

Luckily, I managed to keep this.

♪ ♪

- What?

♪ ♪

This is us...

at the "2010 Teen Choice Awards."

- Oh, my God. He is straight.

He's wearing cargo shorts.

Actually, you're both wearing cargo shorts.

- Those were really good times.

But even then, Dean wanted more.

When we got home from the ceremony,

he punched a hole in the wall.

- Because he lost?

- Because he won.

Dean didn't want a Teen Choice Award.

He wanted an Oscar.

And he said that he would stop at nothing to get it.

- I--I have to go. Dean will be expecting me.

We're going to the Equality Gala.

- Good luck. - Thank you.

- And please know I can do highbrow too.

I did "Godot" in college.

You know, I'll just tell you which college it was.

It was actually-- - Yale. Yes, I know.

Jordana, I--I have to go.

- [laughs] I had a great time last night.

- Oh, yeah? So did I.

This is embarrassing, but my lawyers make me do this.

Would you be okay signing an NDA?

- Oh, of course.

- I mean, obviously, I trust you.

- It's no problem at all. Your privacy is key.

- Thanks. It's just my fans always wanna know every detail

of my personal life, you know?

- Totally. Yeah. Discretion is my middle name.

Okay, you guys can't tell anyone

that I fucked Damian Davis because I just signed an NDA.

- Whoa. Okay, you got it, B.

- Yeah, Brooke, I promise I won't tell anyone either.

- Perfect. Well, then I'm not worried,

'cause you two are the only people I told.

[thunder rumbling]

- Dean?

[oldies music playing softly]

♪ ♪

Dean? - Hey! Just in the shower.

Come on in. I'll be out in a sec.

- Ow. Daddy, no! Ow! It hurts!

- So how was your day?

♪ ♪

- I met someone who knows you.

Jordana Brewster?

- Oh, yeah, from "Fast and the Furious"?

What's she like? I never met her.

- Oh, really?

'Cause she told me she was your date

to the "2010 Teen Choice Awards."

- Huh. [chuckles] That's weird.

- Cut the crap, Dean.

I know what's going on. You've been gay-baiting me.

- Okay, now you're being crazy.

- I'm not being crazy.

You're crazy. You used me, Dean.

You made me think this was real.

I thought we were gonna have sex.

Like, I thought I was gonna get to see your dick

and your balls and your butt.

But I haven't gotten to see anything.

I haven't even seen one cheek.

- Cary, you're being hysterical.

And frankly, you're not pretty when you're like this.

- Was I ever pretty to you?

- I don't comment on my sexuality.

- Oh, my God. Tell the truth.

You're never gonna ride my ass hard, are you?

- No. [thunder rumbles]

- I have to get out of here. - Don't go. Please.

I can explain.

- [clears throat]

- Hey Brooke, have a nice night?

- Nothing special.

- Hey, Brooke, how was your evening?

- Quiet. Read a book.

- Brooke, what'd you do last night?

- Shut up, bitch!

- Oh.

[indistinct chatter]

- Jesus!

Mom, what are you doing?

Mom!

- Oh, hi, honey. Sorry about that.

I trained myself to sleep standing up

so I can take 20-second catnaps

while people don't need me without messing up my hair.

That's what Ryan Seacrest does, so.

- Okay. Well, I'll just let you get back to it.

- Oh, what did you guys decide about "Tic Tac Toe?"

- Oh, I think we're just gonna pass.

- Okay, yeah, I don't have to do that.

We should probably let someone else host that.

But then again, if you think it's a good idea, Brookie,

I'm more than happy to do it. [phone buzzing]

- Okay. Uh, sorry, Mom.

- Hello, Brooke Dubek.

- Ms. Dubek, my name is Philip Price.

I represent Damian Davis.

We have reason to believe you broke your NDA

and we intend to take legal action against you.

- Wait, what?

- You don't understand, Cary. I'm not a bad guy.

My life is just so much better now

that people think I might maybe kinda be gay.

I used to be nothing. A nobody. But now--now, I'm a somebody.

Last year, I was ever only on the cover of "Men's Health."

It was just me John Krasinski switching off months.

But this month alone, I'm on "Men's Health"

and "GQ" and "Attitude."

Do you know how that feels?

- Actually, no.

- I mean, people ship me, Cary. They ship me.

On Twitter, Instagram,

everyone is obsessed because I'm a mystery.

I'm an enigma. I am the coolest man alive.

- You're a psychopath.

And I've already dated one straight guy.

I'm not doing it again.

♪ ♪

- I'm not going back, Cary.

I'm not going back to 100% straight for sure.

I mean, there's Oscar buzz for me for "George."

I'm in talks to play the first gay superhero.

You know how huge that would be for me?

And for you guys.

So here's what we're gonna do.

You are going to come to this Equality Gala with me tonight,

and you are gonna stand by my side and smile.

And if anybody asks,

we do not...

comment...

on our sexuality.

- [gasps] [thunder rumbles]

[knock at door]

- Oh. Hey, B.

- Don't "Hey, B" me, you little snake.

- Whoa. What?

- Oh, sure. Yeah, play dumb, but I know for a fact

that you told people that I fucked Damian Davis.

- Wait. No, I didn't.

I would never do you dirty like that.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, if you didn't tell, who did?

- Oh, Brooke, hey.

- Enough of your shit, you rat-faced bitch.

I knew it was you all along.

- What? I didn't say a word.

- Yeah. B, neither of us told.

We haven't even left the apartment today.

- Yeah. - Well, then what the hell?

Like, literally how did this get out, then?

I fucked Damian Davis.

[words echoing]

Oh, my God. I'm so dumb.

I also told Streeter.

- Oh, wow.

It's cool to see so many people

coming to this Equality Gala tonight.

The "Pose" people,

that little lesbian tennis player,

Dean Brennon.

- Then tomorrow, I thought we'd head to JFK.

Not to fly anywhere, just to drag empty suitcases around

while the paparazzi take pictures.

[placid classical music playing]

- Yes, Dean. Whatever you say, Dean.

- Okay, we're here.

Smile.

[camera shutters clicking]

- It's Dean Brennon! - Over here, Dean!

[overlapping shouting]

- Dean, can you finally confirm what's going on with you two?

- I don't comment on my sexuality.

[words echoing] I keep my personal life personal.

I'll just say Cary has become a huge part of my life.

I don't comment-- I don't comment--

I don't comment on my sexuality.

I don't comment on my sexuality.

- Sorry, I just need to go, uh,

touch up my eye jewels.

- Dean! - Over here!

- Hi Streeter, it's Brooke.

Just calling 'cause apparently it got out

that I fucked Damian Davis,

and I know for a fact it was you.

So hold on to your ass,

'cause I'm on my way to tear it a new hole!

Go faster!

Streeter!

- Oh. Hey, Brooke. I was just listening to your voicemail.

- 'Cause I'm on my way to tear it a new asshole!

No--no, I didn't tell anybody, I swear!

[phone buzzing] Please don't hurt my ass!

- Hello, Brooke Dubek.

- Ms. Dubek, Philip Price. You broke your NDA again.

- What? No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did.

We'd like you to come into our offices tomorrow

and discuss the financial implications.

[line clicks]

- What is going on?

I mean, if you didn't say anything,

Lance and Leah haven't left their apartment all day.

How is this happening?

I fucked Damian Davis.

Go faster!

Oh, my God.

It's so obvious.

Lance, your apartment is bugged.

- Yeah! That's how they found out Brooke fucked Damian Davis!

- What? - I know it sounds insane,

but there is literally no other explanation.

[engine revving]

- [sighs] Fuck.

- Hey, everything okay?

My name's James.

I'm on the board of the Equality Foundation.

- Oh, thank God.

Um, yes, there's actually something I need to tell you.

Dean Brennon isn't who he says he is.

- What?

- Yeah, he's-- he's 100% straight.

He's been gay-baiting me.

- Oh, my God. Hold on.

Now listen up, you little faggot.

Of course Dean's straight!

But you're not gonna say a word

because we need him at events like this.

You think Gus Kenworthy is coming to this shit

if it's just Billie Jean King?

No. Plus, if he leaves, who do we flirt with?

- Um, all the other gay people?

- Ew.

Listen, we're not idiots.

Everyone here knows Dean is straight.

We just like to believe he's gay. It gives us hope.

It makes us think that anything is possible,

that anyone at any time could be gay.

Don't you wanna live in a world like that?

- No.

No, this is fucked, okay?

You can all do what you want,

but I'm not gonna be a part of it.

- Suit yourself. I'll let Dean know you left.

Hmm, that's actually a good in.

Oh, Deanie!

[indistinct chatter]

[door shuts] - Ugh.

[indistinct chatter]

[door shuts]

[door shuts]

- Hey, guys. I brought wine.

[whispering] I didn't. Get in the bathroom.

- What?

[shower water pattering]

- Okay, no one talk louder than the sound of the water.

- Yeah, otherwise the bugs will hear.

- Come on, B, really?

You think there's bugs in this apartment?

- I don't know. All I know is that I didn't tell anyone else

that I fucked Damian Davis.

[phone buzzing] What?

Hello, Brooke Dubek.

- Ms. Dubek, Philip Price.

We know you broke your NDA for a third time

and it's time for you--

- Yes, Philip, I know the rest. Thank you.

Oh, my God. How is this happening again?

- Brooke fucked Damian Davis!

- Oh, my God, Brooke. - What? What is it?

- There are no bugs in the wall.

One of us here is wearing a wire.

both: We're not wearing wires.

- Yes. It's the only logical explanation.

both: No, it's not. There's no wires.

- Then there's only one way to find out who it is.

Okay, so it was no one. No one's wearing a wire.

- Yeah, that was a bad pitch. Who pitched that, Leah?

- I don't get it.

Like, I am a smart girl. What am I missing?

I mean, I was alone every single time

I called you guys from those Lyfts.

- Wait, girl. You called us from Lyfts?

- Uh-huh.

- Brooke. - Oh, my God.

- What? - Come on.

- Give me my shirt. - Here.

- What?

- Yeah, come on, Brooke. 'Cause I also...

- What? - Now see what they see.

- Guys? Really, seriously, I don't get it.

Also, it was nice to meet you Leah.

Bangin' bod, girl.

- ♪ Ring around the rosy ♪

♪ Pocket full of posies ♪

♪ Ashes, ashes ♪

♪ We all fall down ♪

- You look well. - Here's your harness back.

- Thanks.

Not that I'll be needing it.

I didn't get that gay superhero movie.

- That's what you get, Dean. You shouldn't gay-bait people.

You know the most annoying part of all of this?

I got messages from so many other guys.

I could have had sex with any of them.

But I chose you.

- And why do you think that was?

- What?

Because you were the hottest.

- Or was it because I was the straightest?

[soft dramatic music]

- No. No.

I didn't--I didn't know you were straight.

I thought you were gay.

- I don't think that's true.

I think deep down, you knew that I was straight

and that's why you chose me.

So you can act all high and mighty,

but I think you knew exactly what you were doing.

♪ ♪

Goodbye, Cary.

♪ ♪

- You guys can't tell anyone I fucked Damian Davis.

Apparently, it got out that I fucked Damian Davis.

- Brooke fucked Damian Davis!

- So as you can see,

these are videos from three separate Lyft drivers.

- Who, of course, are little human beings up there.

- Yes. - [clears throat]

- And if I had to guess,

it's that energy that made them send us the tapes.

- I can see that.

So how much do I owe?

[chuckles nervously]

[gasps]

Oh, my God!

How am I supposed to get you all this money?

- Hello, and welcome to "Pat Tac Toe."

I'm your host, Tic Dubek. [cheers and applause]

- She's just warming up. She'll get better.

- No worries.

We'll just bring her in ADR that line this weekend.

- Okay, perfect.

[Delibes' "Lakmé"]

♪ ♪