Original subtitles

Hi, Oz.

- Hi, Thorny.

- Well, you're looking pretty self-satisfied.

- Well, I'll tell you, it isn't often

a man gets the last word in on his wife.

- You mean, you got the last word in on Harriet?

- You bet I did, now.

- Yeah, what was that?

- Uh, Listerine.

- Listerine?

I don't get it.

- Thorny, don't tell me after all these weeks

you don't know that Listerine is the last word in antiseptics.

- Oh, gee, Oz, let me go back and try that again.

- No, no, no, that's all right.

But in the future, Thorny, if you'll kind of remember that,

you know we will both last much longer with the whole deal.

- Oh, I'll surely remember that from now on.

- I noticed would-- - How stupid of me.

- --with the caps and the crown, of course.

- Real laid back. I'll remember that.

- Listerine Antiseptic, prophylactic toothbrushes,

and Listerine Toothpaste present America's favorite family

comedy, "The Adventures Of Ozzie And Harriet."

So settle back in your easy chairs

and enjoy another delightful half hour with all the Nelsons.

Ozzie Nelson, of course, plays the part

of the head of the Nelson household, Ozzie.

And here is his lovely wife, Harriet Nelson,

who keeps the family on an even keel.

Hello, Harriet.

The smiling young teenager we now see

is David Nelson, older of the two Nelson boys

and played by David Nelson.

And here we have the youngest of the Nelsons,

the little guy with a twinkle in his eye,

Ricky Nelson, played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelson's next door neighbor, Mr. Thornbury,

better known as Ozzie's pal, Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

- Anything exciting happen downtown today?

- Hmm?

No-- oh, I'm sorry, dear, what did you say?

- I said, what happened downtown today?

- Oh, nothing exciting, the same old stuff.

- Who'd you have lunch with?

- Oh, lunch?

Oh, yeah, I had lunch.

- No, I said, who did you have lunch with?

- Oh, oh, lunch, I had lunch with Herb Dunkle.

- Eat at the Elks Club?

- Hmm?

Uh, no.

- Where did you eat?

- Uh, we ate at the Emporium, in the grill room.

- Who did you say you ate with?

- I said, I ate with Herb Dunkle.

We ate down at the Emporium in the grill room.

I had scrambled eggs and muffins for lunch.

The muffins were burned.

I road home on the bus with Joe Randolph

and he had a sore thumb.

Questions, questions.

What is this the third degree, Harriet?

- Well, I should think you'd be happy to see I take

an interest in such things.

And stop being so grouchy.

- I'll get it.

Though it's probably for you.

Hello?

- Hi, Harriet, it's Barbara.

- Oh, hello, Barb.

Say, we had such a good time at your luncheon today.

- Oh, well, I was so glad you could come.

- It's such fun to see all the old crowd again.

- Yeah, it was fun, wasn't it?

It's a shame Betty Randolph couldn't make it.

I guess she was about the only one missing.

- Yeah, that's right, Betty wasn't there, was she?

How come?

- I guess she was a little upset about things.

- What sort of things?

- Oh, haven't you heard?

Joe and Betty have separated.

- Joe and Betty Randolph?

Well, that's awful.

- Isn't it, though?

- What happened?

- Well, it seems that Betty found a picture of some girl

in Joe's wallet, a very curvaceous blonde

in a bikini bathing suit.

- For goodness sakes.

- How about that?

He tried to tell her it was his grandmother.

- Well, it's funny, Ozzie met Joe downtown today,

but he didn't say anything about that.

- Oh, was Ozzie downtown today?

Then he must have seen the big fire at the Emporium Grill.

- At the Emporium Grill?

Well, Ozzie and Herb had lunch there,

but he didn't say anything about a fire.

- Oh, did Ozzie have lunch with Herb?

How's his broken arm?

- Who's broken arm?

- Herb Dunkle's.

Didn't you know he broke his arm?

- No, Ozzie didn't say anything about that either.

- Well, that is strange.

Well, I have to be going, dear.

- All right, Barb, thanks for telling me all the news.

- You're welcome.

And Harriet--

- Yes?

- --don't forget you heard it here first.

- Fine, Barb.

Goodbye.

Stop reading the paper.

That was Barbara.

- Are you sure nothing interesting happened

today downtown?

- Well, well, yes, I told you what happened.

- How about the fire at the Emporium?

- Oh, oh, that.

Well, I told you the corn muffins got burned.

It wasn't much of a fire.

They had it out in a jiffy.

- And how about Herb Dunkle?

Barbara said he had a broken arm.

- Oh, oh, yes, come to think of it,

he did have his arm in a sling.

- How'd he break it?

- Well, I don't know.

- Well, didn't you ask him?

- Well, Harriet, if he wanted to tell me, he would have told me.

Golly, what curiosity!

- Well, it isn't just a matter of curiosity.

It just seems silly.

A man sits there with a broken arm

and you don't even ask him how he got it.

- Well, I don't know how he got it.

Maybe he had a golfing bet with a friend,

and he lost, and the friend got to break his arm.

- You also met Joe Randolph.

And you didn't say a word about him and Betty being separated.

- Oh, now, wait a minute.

Yes, I did, Harriet.

I didn't say it exactly, but I told you

that Joe had a sore thumb, remember?

- Well, what's that got to do with their being separated?

- Well, see, that's what caused it.

Betty bit him on the thumb.

You women are so curious.

In fact, that's what's caused their trouble, Betty's

curiosity.

- Oh, fine.

She finds a picture of another woman in his wallet

and it's her fault they're separated.

- Well, yes, if she hadn't been so darned curious,

she never would have found it.

As a matter of fact, this wasn't Joe's fault,

you know.

He didn't even know the girl.

He'd never seen her.

He'd never heard of her.

- Well, did he tell Betty that?

- Well, he tried to.

He kept shouting it over his shoulder,

all the way down the street, but she wouldn't listen to him.

And now, at the risk of sounding curious myself,

when is dinner going to be ready?

- Just as soon as I put the arsenic in your soup.

- I'm laughing, she might not be kidding.

- Don't drink it too fast, lover boy.

- Lover boy?

- Yeah, didn't you know, Pop? Ricky's got a girl.

- Oh.

- Who are you supposed to be, the local gossip column?

- Looks pretty serious, too.

I saw him carrying her books home from school today.

- Wow, how about it.

- Heck, it was just my turn.

She carried mine home yesterday.

- That's all right, Ricky.

It's OK for a boy to have a girlfriend.

- Yeah, it's the standard arrangement.

It's been going on for years.

- I saw him at Miller's having a couple of sodas, too.

- Oh, really living it up, eh?

- It's OK to buy a girl a soda, isn't it, Pop?

- Sure.

- Is it OK to buy her a banana split, too?

- It's OK with me.

- Oh, that's good, because I told

Mr. Miller you'd pay for it.

- Well, I'll foot the bill this time.

But next time, you either use your own allowance

or get a girl with a smaller appetite.

- What's your girlfriend's name, Ricky?

Please, Harriet, shall I turn on the bright

light?

- This isn't the third degree, if that's what you mean.

- No, no, I know it isn't.

You gave me the third degree before dinner.

This is the fourth degree.

- Oh.

- Her name is Mildred Marshall.

- Her name is Mildred Marshall, Harriet.

- She's a very nice girl.

She has blond hair, blue eyes, and a few freckles.

We're both in the same class together at school.

She lives just a couple of blocks down from me.

And she's a very good dancer.

- How long have you known her?

- Harriet, please, can't you see he

doesn't want to talk about her?

What curiosity!

- Oh, that's OK, Pop.

I've known her about two weeks.

She just moved into town.

Would you say I have a nice nose, Mom?

- Yes, dear.

I'd say you have a very nice nose.

Why?

- Oh, nothing.

Mildred just said she thought I had a nice nose.

That's when I bought her the ice cream soda.

- I see.

- She likes my smile, too.

Says I have a very nice smile.

That's when I bought her the banana split.

Well, I'd say you picked a pretty smart girl.

- Come on, lover boy, let's go out and play some baseball.

- OK, but you be careful of my nose.

- Well, I guess Ricky's growing up.

- Poor little guy, the way you gave him that third degree.

- Oh, stop it.

Naturally, I'm interested in what my family's doing.

Aren't you interested in what I did at luncheon today?

- Not especially.

I know it's hard for you to realize,

but men just aren't naturally curious the way women are.

- I suppose you wouldn't be interested

if I told you a rather attractive girl said something

about you today.

- Well, not especially.

Did an attractive girl say something about me today?

- Why, are you interested?

- No, no, not necessarily.

I would just like to know who she was and what she said.

Who was she?

- Oh, now who's curious?

- No, no, I'm not curious.

I'm just naturally interested.

Who was this ravishing creature who said these wonderful things

about me?

- I didn't say she was ravishing.

- Well, you said she was attractive.

Come on, you don't have to tell me who she was.

Just give me a little hint.

- What kind of a little hint?

- Well, her name.

- All right, if you'll admit that you're just eaten up

with curiosity and that men are just as curious as women,

I'll tell you.

Harriet, just because some beautiful girl said some

nice things about me--

- Who said she said something nice?

- Well, it must have been something nice,

or you wouldn't be afraid to tell me who she is.

- Oh, I'm not afraid to tell you, dear.

I'm just not going to tell you.

- For goodness sakes, Harriet.

This is ridiculous.

Just because some attractive girl named--

What did you say her name was?

- Oh, no, that's my trick, and it doesn't work.

- Oh, wait a minute, I'll bet I know who it was.

It was Dorothy-- What's her name?

- Dorothy, what's-her-name?

- Yes.

- Well, what's her name?

- Or was it Florence?

That's who it was, wasn't it?

- No.

- Uh, was it Helen?

- No.

You just sit there and worry about it for a while.

I'm going to clear off the table.

- Or was it Catherine?

Harriet, that's who it was.

It was Catherine, wasn't it?

That tall, blonde girl with dark hair.

- Ozzie and Harriet we'll be back in just a moment.

- One has only to recall the filmed versions

of the lives of our great musical geniuses

to realize that in times of great emotional stress,

they all thundered out their frustrations at the keyboard.

These mighty musical titans of the past, all

sought release to their problems through the artistic expression

of their great talents.

Not unlike these other mighty men of music,

our own Ozzie Nelson sits down at the keyboard

to seek the answer to his problem.

- Well, I haven't seen you play the piano in ages.

- Oh, Harriet, I just was thinking,

have you ever considered how many songs have

been written about girls names?

- Oh, yes, lots of them.

- Margie, Louise, Josephine.

Mary?

- Yes, there was a song called "Mary."

- I wouldn't imagine it's so difficult to write a song.

All it takes is a little imagination

and musical curiosity.

- I really hadn't thought much about it.

- There's a definite tie up there, you know.

Have you ever stopped to figure that?

Imagination and curiosity, very similar.

- No.

- Oh, yes.

You see, imagination is thinking and curiosity is wondering.

Do you see the connection?

- Imagination is thinking and curiosity is wondering?

No, I don't see the connection.

- Well, to put it very bluntly, I'm

wondering who that girl was, and I

can't help thinking what's going to happen

to you if you don't tell me.

- I can't hold out any longer, dear.

You're so curious now, your face is green.

- No, no, no, no, my face isn't being from curiosity,

that's my tall grass aftershave lotion.

- I'm going to end your torment, dear.

I made the whole thing up.

- You made what whole thing up?

- About the girl.

You talked so much about a woman's curiosity

that I decided to arouse yours.

I did a pretty good job, too.

- No, Harriet, no matter how beautiful

she is or no matter what she said,

there's no reason for you to hide it from me.

- No, honestly, dear, I made it up.

- What you're trying to say is that you're

sorry you thought of the whole thing in the first place.

Well, forget about it, Harriet.

There's no need for you to be jealous.

After all, just because some gorgeous girl

happens to have a schoolgirl crush on me.

After all, we've been married for many years now.

- We've been married for many, many years.

- Well, that's what I say, we've been

married for many, many years.

Golly, I'm not going to just run off and leave you.

What was that silly little thing you used to call me

when we first married?

Your hubby wubby.

Golly, I'm still the same.

Perhaps a little more wubby, but still your hubby.

- No, honestly, dear, I made it up.

There was no girl.

- Oh, Harriet, it would be different

if this was something important.

But golly, it's so silly.

It's much ado about nothing.

- Now, don't lose your temper.

- I'm not losing my temper.

But golly, I don't care whether you tell me or not,

and you won't tell me.

- If you don't care about it, we just forget about it.

- Oh, that's probably a good idea.

Let's see, a girl's name.

- Hi, Oz.

- Oh, hi, Thorny.

- Hey, you sound mighty low.

Nothing wrong, I hope.

- Oh, no, not exactly.

It's just, well, Harriet's been acting kind of strange.

Boy, I can't figure out women, Thorny.

They have so darn much curiosity.

- You know my wife's the same way.

Always curious.

Wants to know where I've been? Who did I meet?

Where did I spend my money?

Where did I get any money to spend?

- It's been going on for centuries, I guess.

- Has Harriet been asking you a lot of questions lately?

- Oh, questions, questions, questions.

You see, it's OK if she gives me a regular third degree, let

me ask her one little question and right away it's a big deal.

- Now, wait a minute, I don't quite follow this.

- Well, I just asked her this question about this girl

I wanted to find out about--

- Girl?

What girl?

- Well, it's seemed that Harriet attended this luncheon

yesterday afternoon, and some beautiful, shapely girl

- this is kind of embarrassing, Thorny

- but this beautiful girl said some pretty wonderful things

about me, very complimentary things.

- Oh, so there's nothing wrong with Harriet.

It's this girl that's out of her mind.

- Listen to me, will you?

Now, I'll admit I'm not the handsomest guy in the world,

or even in the United States.

- Or even in this backyard.

- Thorny, do you want to hear about this or don't you?

- I'm sorry.

Now, what was it the girl said about you?

- Well--

- Uh, wait a minute, we better sit down.

This sounds like it's going to take a long time.

- Well, no, not actually, Thorny.

As a matter of fact, what the girl

said about me wasn't important.

But it's Harriet's reaction.

Harriet got so darned jealous, Thorny,

that she won't even tell me who the girl is.

- Well, Oz, you never can tell what

a woman's jealousy will do.

Now, I knew a girl once who had a pet frog.

Girl's name was Betty Clark.

- And what was the frog's name?

- Jaques Dupree.

Anyway, Oz, things were going along just fine

until the girl next door to Betty got a pet frog, too.

Well, let me tell you.

Betty got as jealous as she could over this other girls

frog.

And the thing that burned her up more

was that the other girl got more warts than she did.

- It's amazing what a woman's jealousy will do.

- Oh, it certainly is.

Now, let me hear more about this friend of Harriet's who

said you look like a frog.

- Well, she said I look--

No, no, no, no, no, I don't know what she said exactly,

but it was very complimentary.

See, that's why Harriet's afraid to tell me who the girl is.

- Well, Oz, I don't mean to butt in on any of the family

trouble. - You go ahead, Thorny.

- But I think I have a very simple way

to find out this girl's name.

- Well, go ahead.

What's your idea?

- Very simple.

Tell Harriet, you know who the girl is.

Tell her, it's some old flame of yours

that happens to be in town vacationing.

And then make up some wild story about you and the girl.

And when you have Harriet just dying to know more, stop.

- Stop?

- Stop cold.

Don't tell her another word until she tells you

who the girl is. Oh, don't worry.

She'll blurt it right out.

Her curiosity will kill her until she does.

- Yeah.

Thorny, by golly, at times you show a touch of genius.

Thank you, Oz.

I use my brilliant mind as a public service.

- I'll really lay it on thick, too.

You know, all about the tunnel of love,

and all that romantic stuff. - Oh, now, wait a minute.

- Moonlight-- - Oz, Oz, don't overdo it.

- Oh, no, no, no, I want to do--

- Just play on the greatest feminine weakness

of all, curiosity.

- Curiosity.

You're telling-- Gee, thanks a lot, Thorny.

- OK, Oz.

Well, I'll see you.

Oh, Oz, now look, be sure to let me

know how you make out with you.

I'm dying to know.

- Oh, Harriet, I've got some news for you.

I found out who that girl was at the luncheon.

- You did?

- Yeah, why didn't you tell me Liza Cromwell was in town?

- Who?

- Oh, come now, dear.

Don't pretend you don't remember Liza.

Why, she was your biggest competitor when

we were first going together.

- Liza Cromwell?

- Oh, what a girl, ruby red lips, sparkling black eyes,

chestnut brown hair, and a little turned up nose.

That was Liza.

- What, no body?

Oh, come now, dear.

Control that jealousy and that curiosity.

Oh, by the way, I have a little confession to make.

Remember that time years ago when

you invited me to go to the barn dance with you,

and I called you up at the last minute

and told you I couldn't make it, that I was allergic to banjos,

they always made me talk with a twang?

- Yes.

- Well, actually, that was just an excuse.

I had a date with Liza.

We went to the amusement park.

We rode in the tunnel of love.

We got into one of those little boats and snuggled up together.

And we drifted over into a dark corner.

And I put my arm around her.

And that's all I'm going to tell you.

- All right, dear.

- Yes, sir, I put my arm around her

and that's all I'm going to tell you.

Then I pulled her head over on my shoulder.

And that's all I'm going to tell you.

- Will you get the salt and peppers for me, please?

- Well, uh, they're right there.

- Oh.

- Then I put my other arm around her.

Now, get this picture, Harriet, both of my arms

around her and her head on my shoulder.

And that's all I'm going to tell you.

Harriet, are you listening to me?

- Hmm?

Oh, yes, dear.

- Then we went into the tunnel of love again.

- Ozzie, you're on the wrong track.

The girl at the luncheon wasn't Liza Cromwell at all.

- I knew you'd crack.

What was her name?

- Constantina Waffle Mix.

- Constantina Wassellnix?

Well, I don't seem to recall--

- She sat three seats behind you in the second grade.

I, I, I still don't recall a Constantina Wassellnix.

What was this compliment she paid me,

this, this nice thing she had to say about me?

- Oh, well, she said you were the only boy in school who

could put a whole peanut butter sandwich in his mouth

at one time.

- Are you kidding?

- Well, now, what makes you think that?

- Well, in the first place, Constantina Wassellnix

sounds as if it might be a phony name.

- I don't know why it should.

I just made it up.

- You made it up?

- Yes, I told you before there was no girl.

I made up that story.

- Honestly?

- Mm-hmm.

Cross my heart.

- Of course, it really doesn't make any difference one

way or the other.

- Yes, I know, dear, because you aren't curious.

- I'm glad you realize it.

- Look, why don't you go in the living room

and read your paper.

I'll call you when dinner's ready.

- The whole thing is ridiculous.

- Of course, you could ask me if I want any help.

- Ask you a question, are you kidding?

And have you say I'm curious?

Oh, no.

- Hi, Oz.

- Oh, oh, Thorny.

- Gee, I had to come over to find out how you made out.

Oh.

- Constantina Wassellnix.

- Oh, oz, I didn't come over here to be insulted.

Who's insulting you?

- Look, what I want to know is, did you give Harriet a story?

- Oh, yes, a perfect story, Thorny, all about a girl

named Liza Cromwell.

- Oz, I don't care about names.

All I want to know is, did it work?

- It more than worked.

I not only get this deal settled about the luncheon,

but I got a confession off my chest that's been bothering me

for years and years. - Yeah?

What do you mean?

- Well, there really was a girl named Liza Cromwell, you see?

And there was this deal where I had

the date with Harriet, and--

- Go on, dear. - Go on.

- Oh.

- When Harriet came up, I figured

I'd have a little fun with her.

Oh, she really makes my day.

- Oh, you thought you'd have some fun, yeah.

- Yeah, I had some fun.

Oh, gosh.

- You know, Oz, I think you're going to have some.

Oh!

Wait a minute, Thorny!

Come back here, Thorny!

Come here, you coward, you started the whole thing!

- Ozzie and Harriet will be back in just a moment.

- Hi!

- Oh, uh--

- Say, this should interest you, dear.

I talked to Betty Randolph a little while ago.

It looks like she's going to forgive Joe.

- Oh, that's good.

I thought she was acting too hasty in the first place.

After all, just a picture of a girl in his wallet

is pretty flimsy evidence.

- Oh, I don't know.

- Oh, well, Harriet, Joe said he doesn't know who the girl was.

He doesn't even know how the picture got there.

Chances are, somebody just put it in there as a gag.

- Well, now, that's strange, because it's

exactly what happened.

Betty said that Herb Dunkle called

and said that he'd put the picture in Joe's wallet

as a joke.

- Now-- Oh, then there's a broken arm and everything.

- And then five minutes later, Thorny called

and he said he was the one who put

the picture in Joe's wallet.

- Uh-oh.

- All in all, there were about six confessions.

- Oh?

- I'm sorry, dear, I interrupted you.

Are you going to make a phone call or something?

Oh, I, I don't think it'll be necessary now.

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Next week, "The Adventures Of Ozzie And Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky--

Will be brought to you by Hotpoint Quality Appliances.

Remember, look to Hotpoint for the finest, first.

Elizabeth Patterson played the part of Aunt Martha.

Barbara was Barbara Eiler.

And the pianist was Frank Leithner.

Don't forget that a completely different episode

of "The Adventures Of Ozzie And Harriet"

is heard every Friday night on radio.

Consult your newspaper for time and radio stations.