Original subtitles

- Hi, everybody.

I'm Harriet Nelson.

I'd just like to take this opportunity

to say a few words about our Hotpoint garbage disposal

and dishwasher.

Now, we've had ours in our home for several years now

and we think it's just wonderful.

I'll bet that if you have one in your home

for a couple of weeks, you'll wonder how you ever

got along without it.

It takes all the drudgery out of kitchen work,

it's an absolute necessity to modern living.

- Hotpoint quality appliances presents

America's favorite family comedy, "The Adventures

of Ozzie and Harriet," starring the entire Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky.

So settle back in your easy chairs

and enjoy another delightful half hour with all the Nelsons.

Ozzie Nelson, of course plays the part

of the head of the Nelson household, Ozzie.

And here is his lovely wife, Harriet Nelson,

who keeps the family on an even keel.

Hello, Harriet.

The smiling young teenager we now see

is David Nelson, older of the two Nelson boys

and played by David Nelson.

And here we have the youngest of the Nelsons,

the little guy with the twinkle in his eye,

Ricky Nelson, played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelson's next door neighbor, Mr. Thornberry,

better known as Ozzie's pal Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

- David, the breakfast table is no place

to be reading the paper.

- Oh, I wasn't reading it, Pop, I'm

just looking at the pictures.

- Well, what's the difference?

Looking at pictures or reading, that's the same thing.

- I wish you'd tell that to my teacher.

- If you boys are finished, David,

why don't you take your paper in the living room?

- Well, we were just waiting to help

you clear off the table, Mom.

- Isn't that nice of us?

- Oh, this sounds to me like the old familiar brother

act of yours.

The song and dance for the allowance advance.

- This isn't the old act, Pop.

- Heck no, this is a new one.

"Getting out of the play for the PTA."

- Oh, what play is that?

- Oh, the PTA is putting on a pageant

and they need some extra boys.

- Oh, it looks like you two guys get hooked, huh?

- Yeah, whenever they need mountains or houses,

they just paint them on a big canvas curtain.

Why can't they do the same with the boys?

- Yeah, that's a thought.

What's the name of this play, Harriet?

- Oh, it's called "Robin Hood and his Merry Band."

- Holy smoke, a musical?

- Don't be silly, Ricky.

I think you'll enjoy it.

- We'd enjoy it a lot more if we were sitting in the audience.

- Oh, come on now, it ought to be a lot of fun.

Just think, you get to wear a costume

and carry a bow and arrow.

- Hey, that's a neat idea.

If anybody in the audience throws something at you,

you can shoot back.

- Well, that's a thought.

- Well then, when Mrs. Pennyfeather

stops by this afternoon, I'll tell her you volunteered, huh?

- Volunteered?

If you ask me, we've been drafted.

- Do we have any apples around here, Mom?

- Well, yes, dear, there's some down there on the coffee table,

I think.

Don't tell me you're still hungry?

- Oh no, I don't want to eat it, I

want to see if I can shoot it off David's head.

- What kind of a dirty trick, roping the poor kids

in on a PTA pageant?

- Oh, I bet they get a big kick out of it.

Besides, I'm a member of the committee,

how would it look if my own boys weren't in it?

- Oh, yeah.

- Say, maybe you'd like a part?

- Oh no, you don't.

You're not going to rope me in on anything like that.

I have more important things to do.

- Well, I can see your point, dear.

You'd have to spend all your time rehearsing

and you wouldn't have any time to cut the lawn

or help me with the household chores.

- Well, of course on the other hand--

Oh no, you don't.

I'm not going to have anything to do with it.

As you mention the lawn, though, I

think I'll go outside and have a look at it.

- You're going to cut it?

- Well, don't you remember our agreement?

I promised you I'd mow it as soon as it

got to be four inches high?

- I was afraid maybe you'd forget.

I think it's four inches high now.

- Oh, of course I wouldn't forget.

After all, an agreements an agreement.

It has to be cut, it has to be cut.

- Good for you, that's the old spirit.

What are you looking for?

- Where's my ruler?

- Hi, Oz.

- Oh, hi, Thorny.

- What are you doing with the ruler?

- I'm just measuring the lawn.

- Oh, tired of green, huh?

Going to have slip covers made for us?

- No, Harriet and I have a little agreement.

When the grass gets to be four inches high, I cut it.

- Yeah?

Well, it looks like that to me.

- No, it's 3 and 5/8, I just measured it.

- Oh.

Say, you know, this isn't a bad idea.

I think I'll work out a deal like this was my boy Will.

I'll cut the grass when it's four inches high.

- Where does Will fit into the picture?

- Well, he can cut it when it's three inches high.

- That way, it'll never get to be four inches high.

- That's OK, Oz, I'm a patient man.

- I see what you mean.

- I stopped by to make sure you're going to the PTA play

this year. Oz, you won't want to miss it.

- Oh, yes, I will.

- Oh, no, no, it's going to be great.

It's not like the other plays we've done,

this is really going to be something.

- What makes you so sure?

- I'm in it.

As a matter of fact, I have one of the leading roles.

However, I didn't stop by to brag, but as long as I'm here,

I may as well.

- Wait a minute, this is actually a fact?

You're going to play one of the leading roles in the Robin

Hood, the pageant, or play, or whatever it is?

- Yea, very, 'tis written in the stars.

- Just answer yes or no.

- I can't, Oz, I'm an actor.

- Boy, what a play that's gonna be.

However, I might have known you'd worm your way into it.

You're such an insufferable ham.

- Who's a ham?

- Oh, why deny it?

Look what happened at the lodge minstrel show last year.

You kept trying to ruin my solo.

Every time I'd start to sing, you'd chime in with me.

- Well, neither one of us had any business singing.

We were only ushers.

- I thought it lent sort of a novel touch to the occasion.

- Novel is right.

It's the first time I ever heard of the customers

throwing out the ushers.

- Getting back to this Robin Hood deal, Thorny.

As long as you're going to be in it,

I want you to know I'll attend and I'll be pulling for you.

I wish you a lot of luck.

- Spoken like a true friend, Oz.

- Yes, sir, I'll be there.

When you forget your lines, I'll be pulling for you.

When you stumble awkwardly around the stage,

I'll be pulling for you.

When the audience starts to titter a little and then

they start to boo and even when they hiss,

I'll be pulling for you, there.

When the play is all over, I'll go backstage

and I'll go out in the alley and I'll pull you out of the trash.

- I'm glad you stopped by, Mrs. Pennyfeather,

and I'm so happy to know that everything's working out

so nicely.

- Thank you a lot, Mrs. Nelson.

I've got such wonderful cooperation

from just everybody.

Oh, Ozzie, you know Mrs. Pennyfeather

- Oh yes, I do, Mrs. Pennyfeather.

That's quite a play you're putting on,

I understand, over at the PTA.

- Oh yes, we're all excited about it.

- I imagine, at this late hour, all the parts are taken.

- Well, I believe there are a couple of parts left.

But don't worry, Mr. Nelson, Mrs. Nelson tells me

you don't want anything to do with it.

- Oh, well I'm not a very good actor.

It's Robin Hood, isn't it?

- Yes, it is.

It takes place in England, I believe,

hardly anything I'd be able to do.

- Why, Mr. Nelson, that's wonderful.

- It's nothing, it's really nothing, Mademoiselle.

- Oh, Mrs. Nelson, he's marvelous.

- Aw.

- That's a wonderful Spanish accent.

- Oh.

- Well, I'll be running home. - All right.

- Mrs. Pennyfeather, on second thought,

I hate to disappoint the ladies.

I tell you, if at the last minute

you should need an actor, I can be

coaxed into playing the part.

- Oh, that's very nice, Mr. Nelson.

If we get into trouble, I'll call you.

- Yes, just, just anything at all,

it doesn't have to be a big part, just

any small part at all.

- I'll try and find one for you.

- Oh, OK.

Here you are, here's my card.

The name and the phone number's on there,

just in case one of the leads should

happen to get sick or just anything at all.

- Well, thank you. - Goodbye.

- Bye, Mrs. Pennyfeather.

- Now, Harriet, I was just browsing

through some old things up in the attic

and I came across some of these plays that I was in, in school.

- You know, I just don't get the sudden change in your attitude.

When I told you about the play this morning,

you weren't at all interested.

- Oh, well, I got to thinking it over

and I figured I should do my share for the PTA.

I hope Mrs. Pennyfeather doesn't give me too big a part.

You know, Thorny is going to be in this thing.

He has one of the leading roles.

- Oh, is he really?

- Yeah.

Didn't look so well today, either.

I hope he doesn't get sick.

- Cheer up, dear, he might.

- Hey, here's one of the plays I took part in, in school.

Let me read you my part.

Somebody here in the middle.

Well, here it is on page 16.

It's a pretty dramatic bit, too.

Don't shoot!

- Well, go on.

- Well, that's all.

He shot.

- That was short.

It started on page 16 and ended on page 16.

- Well, yeah.

It was no long part, as far as lines were concerned,

but I was through the entire play as a result of it.

You see, after the guy shot me, I

rolled under the dining room table

and then I lay there during act two and act three.

It was a pretty interesting play,

it was written by a guy named Ed Jones,

he wrote most of the plays for us in school.

Oh Jonesy.

Oh listen, here's one of Jonesy's.

But hark, what light through yonder window breaks.

'Tis the moon and Juliet is the sun.

I think that was one of Jonesy's best.

- Why Ozzie, that's Shakespeare.

- Oh, yes, I know, but we never had the heart to tell Jonesy.

Oh, I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh hello, Mrs. Pennyfeather.

- Mrs. Pennyfeather!

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.

- What'd you say, Mrs. Pennyfeather.

- I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.

- Well, bury him out in the yard, I'm talking on the phone.

- Evil men who lives after them, the good is often 'terred with

their bones.

- Just a moment, Mrs. Pennyfeather.

Ozzie, Mrs. Pennyfeather is trying

to tell me about your part.

Now, stop reading Jonesy's plays.

- Jonesy's?

This is one of mine.

Go on with the part.

- Yes, dear.

Go on, Mrs. Pennyfeather.

This afternoon?

But what part?

Oh, well yes, I'll tell him.

Yes.

Oh, I'm sure that'll be fine.

He just wants to do what he can for the PTA.

All right, goodbye.

- One of the leading parts!

I can tell by the look on your face,

it's one of the leading parts, you hate to tell me.

- Well, you're right, in a way.

I do hate to tell you.

- The part of Robin Hood, the lead?

- Well, no, it's not quite Robin.

It's more like Dobbin.

You're his horse.

- A horse?

Well that's a fine thing to do.

- But dear, you only wanted a small part.

You said yourself you didn't want a lead.

- Well, you didn't really believe that, did you?

- Oh no, I didn't, but Mrs. Pennyfeather doesn't know you

as well as I do.

- A horse?

I'm probably just an ordinary horse, too,

not even any lines to say.

- One consolation, you're the front half.

Oh, I'll bet you'll be very good in it.

- Oh, yes, yes.

I'll probably do such a good job that next year they'll

do Tarzan and promote me to a monkey.

- Now come on, dear, help me finish setting this table.

- Harriet, stop leading me by the necktie.

- I thought you're in a hurry for your lunch.

- Oh, you don't have to fix any lunch for me.

I think I'll just go out in the yard,

there's 3 and 5/8 inches of nice grass

out there, nice green grass.

If anybody wants me, I'll be grazing.

- "Ozzie and Harriet" will be back in just a moment.

- Oh, here you are.

I wondered where you were hiding.

- Oh, well, I'm not hiding, exactly.

Although I should be.

- What's the matter?

- Oh, Harriet, you know very well it's humiliating,

being made a horse's head.

- Honey, I don't know why I let myself

get involved in this thing in the first place.

- Well, why don't you just call Mrs. Pennyfeather

and tell her you don't want to play the part?

- What could I say?

- Well, tell her you just don't want to play it.

It's the truth, isn't it?

- Oh yes, but I mean, that seems like such a cowardly thing

to do.

Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't you call her on the phone

and tell her I can't make it because I'm sick?

- I will not. - You will not.

- No.

- Gee, the worst part of it is, is Thorny

has a leading role in the thing, you know?

- Well, you could have had a better part last week,

why didn't you volunteer then?

- Well, because I didn't know Thorny was going to be in it,

then.

I didn't find out about it until yesterday.

- Hey, Mom and Pop, we've memorized our parts.

- You want to hear us? - Sure, go ahead.

- Don't forget yours this time.

- No worry, I won't. - Are you ready?

- Ready.

- One, two, three,

Hooray for Robin Hood!

- How do we sound?

- Oh, that's very good.

Isn't that good, dear?

- Oh, yes.

- Your father's going to be in the play, too.

- No, Harriet, please.

- Oh, are you, Pop?

What part are you going to play?

- Well, I'm going to play sort of a character role, David.

- Oh, are you going to be Robin Hood?

- No, but you're getting warm.

Perhaps I should explain the entire deal,

so you guys won't think what I'm doing

is completely unimportant.

True, I'm not playing the part of Robin Hood,

he's the big man.

But for every big man, there's a little man,

the man behind the man.

- Are you the man behind?

- No, I'm the man in front.

- You mean you're in front of Robin Hood?

- Well, not exactly in front of him, I'm under him.

- Gee, that sounds like a horse.

- Oh, Ricky, don't be silly.

Pop isn't going to play the part of a horse.

I was only kidding.

- Pop's a good actor, boy.

What part are you going to play, Pop?

- I'm a tree stump.

- A tree stump?

Gee, what kind of a part is that?

- Look, boys, your father's very generously

offered to donate his time and effort to make

this PTA play a success.

Now, it may sound silly to you, but the part that he's playing

is that of a noble, valiant steed.

- Gee, what's that?

- Pop's a horse.

- Well, is there anything wrong with being a horse?

- Not for a horse.

- Well, I hope you won't be ashamed of your old father.

I hope I won't embarrass you in front of your friends.

- Oh, we won't be ashamed of you, Pop.

- Of course not, Pop.

You'll be all covered up, won't you?

- Look, boys, I think you better go outside and rehearse

your parts some more. - OK, Mom.

Come on, Ricky.

Hooray for Robin Hood!

- Hooray for his horse, too.

- What a humiliation.

My own two sons ashamed of me.

Harriet, this is the last straw.

Straw, how do you like that?

I'm even beginning to talk like a horse.

- Well, dear, there is one possible way out.

- What's that?

- Well, I was talking to Mary Dunkle

and she said the Dunk's awfully disappointed with his part.

Maybe he'll trade with you.

- That's all I want to know, I'll phone them right now.

- Hey, wait a minute.

Look, there's always the possibility

that this part may not be as good as yours.

- As good as mine?

Harriet, what in the world could possibly

be more humiliating than playing a horse's head?

That's one chance in 100, but I'm not willing to take it.

- Yoo-hoo, Mr. Nelson!

- Oh, hi, Emmy Lou.

- Shake hands, Mr. Nelson.

I just heard that you're in the PTA play and so am I.

- Oh. - We're fellow troopers!

The show must go on!

Stage door, Johnny!

Pull the curtain, don't upstage.

- Come on, Mr. Nelson, we're actors,

don't you know any theater talk?

- Oh, theater talk?

Two in the balcony, please.

Oh no, Mr. Nelson.

If you're going to be an actor, you've

got to know the language of the theater.

It's the language of grease paint and wigs, of costumes

and backdrops, of color and laughter, of tears and cheers,

of blazing marquees and dust-covered posters, success

and failure, curtain up curtain down,

bright lights, floodlights, footlights.

That's the language of the theater.

- Oh, Emmy Lou, that's beautiful.

- Being an actress is so exciting.

I'm playing the part of the innkeeper's daughter.

What part do you have?

- Oh, well, if you're the innkeepers daughter,

I'll be seeing you.

- Oh, are you one of the men who work at the tavern?

- No, but I sort of hang around the tavern a great deal.

I spend most of my time out in the back of the tavern,

around by the stables, you might say.

- Well, if you're not one of the men,

what else is there around the stables?

You couldn't be a sack of oats or a bale of hay.

- No, not exactly, but you're getting warm.

I'll give you a little hint, who eats oats and hay?

- No one that I know, let me think, eats oats and hay.

- I might as well tell you, Emmy Lou.

I play the part of a horse.

A horse?

- Yeah, uh, Robin Hood's horse.

Pretty awful, huh?

- Well, I think that's wonderful, Mr. Nelson.

That's a very important part, you'll

be on stage just about all the time, galloping along,

your horsey muscles rippling in the footlights,

your long, graceful legs stretch out as the spurs bite

into your ribs. - Ooh.

- Faster, faster, faster!

Whack, whack, whack!

There's a high fence, you got to jump it, old horse!

- No, no, no wait, Robin Hood, I'll

go round and open the gate.

- I can just see you, Mr. Nelson.

Racing along, your head held high,

Robin Hood bouncing up and down on your broad back.

- Oh, say, that's a thought.

Robin Hood is going to be riding on my back, isn't he?

Who's playing the part of Robin Hood, I wonder.

- Toby McIntyre.

- You mean they're going to have some big fat guy riding

on my back? - Oh no, Mr. Nelson.

They just call him that, he's not

the least bit tubby and fat.

- No?

Oh, that's a relief, you're sure?

- I'm positive.

He's 220 pounds of solid muscle.

Well, I'll be seeing you, bye bye!

Yeah.

- Oh, hi, Thorny.

- Hiya, Oz.

- I got some interesting news for you.

That play tomorrow night, there's

going to be one really fine actor in it.

- Well, Oz, that's what I told you this morning.

- No, no.

You've missed the point entirely,

you're going to have a little competition.

I've donated my talents, too.

- Well, congratulations, Oz, I'm glad you're going to be in it.

We'll have a lot of fun up there.

- That's what I figured, you and I together.

- Oh, I can see us up there now, horsing around.

- Who told you?

- Told me what?

That we always horse around?

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh yeah.

Boy, I've really got a great part, too.

Of course, it isn't as good as the part you have,

you have one of the leading roles.

- Well, Oz, about that leading role,

now that you're going to be in the play,

I think I better to tell you about it.

- Well, isn't it a leading role?

- Well, yes, yes, in a way.

Robin Hood rides up on his horse and I lead him into the stable.

What part do you have, Oz?

- Oh, well, mine is one of those parts that

will be talked about.

As a matter of fact, I'll probably

never hear the end of it.

You know, I'm actually afraid the part is a little too

big for me.

I would say it's a part that suits a man of your talents

a little better. - Well, now, wait a minute, Oz.

You mean you want to trade your part for the part

of a lowly stable boy?

The only thing he does is lead a horse into a stable.

- Well, yes, Thorny.

I really would, for the good of the play.

- Well, now, Oz, before you have a chance to change your mind,

let's make a deal.

You take my part and I take your part.

Let's shake. - It's a deal.

No backing out now, it's a definite deal.

- No, no backing out.

You have my part and I have your part.

- Right.

All right now, Oz, what am I going to be?

Well, come on, tell me, I'm all ears.

- You will be.

Thorny, old boy, this breaks my heart.

You are now the front end of Robin Hood's horse.

- Oh, Oz, what a low down thing to do.

What a dirty trick to play on your old pal, Thorny.

- Oh, go on, you'd do the same thing to me

if you got the chance.

- Oh.

- Besides, the part you gave me isn't so hot, a stable boy.

- Yeah?

Who said you were?

- Well, that's what you were going to be, wasn't it?

- Yeah, that's what I was going to be,

up until about an hour ago, when I traded parts with Dunkle.

- Now wait a minute, you didn't tell me

you traded parts with Dunkle.

- Well, of course not, Oz, you didn't ask me.

- Thorny, what part am I playing?

- Well, you were the head of the horse, just back up a little.

- "Ozzie and Harriet" will be back in just a moment.

- Hi, there.

- Oh, hi, I've been looking all over for you.

- Oh, Thorny and I took a little stroll downtown.

What's up?

- Well, I got some good news for you.

Mrs. Pennyfeather called and you're not

going to have to be the horse tomorrow night after all.

- Good news?

Harriet, that's a big disappointment.

After all, Thorny and I were looking forward

to being in this.

He was going to be in the horse outfit with me.

He was going to be the front part.

- Well, as I recall it, so were you.

That would have been a rather interesting looking horse.

- Oh, oh, that.

Well, you see, I had a very clever trick

for getting Thorny to take my part.

And he had a very clever trick for getting

me to take his part.

And prior to that, Dunkle had had a very clever trick

for getting Thorny to take the part that he originally had.

And so it wound up by being quite a medley

of very clever tricks.

And, and--

- And you ended up--

- I ended up the, the, yes.

How come we're not going to do the horse bit?

- Oh, well, it seems there's only one horse costume in town

and the PTA hadn't reserved it.

So when Mrs. Pennyfeather called up to rent it,

somebody else had already taken it, just this afternoon, too.

- Oh, what a shame.

- Mom. - Yes, dear?

- We're not going to have hamburgers for dinner, are we?

- No, we're having pork chops, why?

- Oh gosh, I'm glad of that, I was worried.

- Since when have you been so concerned over what

we have for dinner?

- You know what I found out in the garage?

- Oh, Rick, look, you're interrupting.

- No, Rick, what did you find out in the garage?

- The skin of a horse.

I was afraid we were going to have hamburger for dinner.

- Skin of a horse.

- What a coincidence.

- OK, Harriet, I'll admit it.

Thorny and I went down there and rented the horse outfit.

- You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

It certainly would have left the PTA in the lurch

if they hadn't decided to eliminate the part of the horse

anyway.

- Now, wait a minute.

You mean to say they were going to cut out the horse bit even

if they could have rented the costume?

- Mm-hmm, Mrs. Pennyfeather decided it cost too much money.

- Well, that's a fine thing.

Thorny and his bright idea cost us $20.

- You sure it wasn't your idea?

- Well, we both got the idea, but after all,

he's the horse's head, he's supposed to have the brains.

- Looks like you were left out of the play.

- Yeah, we're out $20, too.

Oh, I'm going to go over and get Thorny.

Would you ask David and Ricky to come outside in the back,

please? - Well, yes dear, but what for?

Well, I just thought they might like

to witness the most unusual sight,

a horse taking turns kicking himself.

- Next week, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

will be brought to you by Prophylactic toothbrushes,

Listerine toothpaste, and Listerine, the most widely

used antiseptic in the world.

The part of Emmy Lou was played by Janet Waldo.

Elmira Sessions played the part of Mrs. Pennyfeather.

Don't forget that a completely different episode

of "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

is heard every Friday night on radio.

Consult your newspaper for time and radio station.