Original subtitles

- Hi, everybody.

I'm Harriet Nelson.

I'd just like to put in a plug for a couple

my Hotpoint refrigerator

and my Hotpoint freezer.

They're both really just wonderful.

Oh, and speaking of favorite products,

have you seen the cover of the new "TV Guide" magazine?

This guy is David, and this guy is Ricky.

- Oh, Mom, that's embarrassing to show people

our picture like that.

Hotpoint quality appliances presents

America's favorite family comedy, "The Adventures

of Ozzie and Harriet," starring the entire Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky.

So settle back in your easy chair

and enjoy another delightful half-hour with all the Nelsons.

Ozzie Nelson, of course, plays the part

of the head of the Nelson household, Ozzie.

And here is his lovely wife, Harriet Nelson,

who keeps the family on an even keel.

Hello, Harriet.

The smiling young teenager we now see

is David Nelson, older of the two Nelson boys

and played by David Nelson.

And here we have the youngest of the Nelsons,

the little guy with a twinkle in his eye,

Ricky Nelson, played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelson's next-door neighbor, Mr Thornbury,

better known as Ozzie's pal Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

- Come on, David, stop being such a coward.

- What are you talking about?

- Let me hit you once in a while.

- What do you think, I'm crazy or something?

- You're supposed to be my sparring partner, aren't ya?

- So what?

- Your sparring partner's supposed

to let the other guy hit him.

That's what a sparring partner's for.

- You're thinking of a punching bag.

- Come on, David, let me just hit

you one good sock on the chin.

- I will not.

- Man, what a chicken.

Let me hit you in the stomach.

- Come on, do you want to box, or don't you?

All I'm doing is blocking.

I promised I wouldn't hit you.

What more do you want?

- Just one short jab on the nose.

I promise I won't draw blood.

- No, and that's final.

- You want to be a big bully.

Why can't we do something that I want for a change?

- Stop arguing, boys.

And David, stop picking on Ricky.

Let him have his way once in a while.

- You kidding?

You know what he wants me to do, Mom?

- No, but I'm sure it won't hurt anything.

- Nothing but my face.

He wants me to let him punch me in the nose.

- Well, what are you doing with those boxing gloves on anyway?

- We're boxing, Mom.

- Yeah, Ricky's going to box Iggy Schwartz at the Boy Scout

rally tonight, and I was trying to give him a few pointers,

but he keeps bouncing around like a chicken.

- Oh, yeah, you're just jealous because I'm so fast.

Pour some water on me, Mom.

- Oh, don't tempt me.

- What's this?

The local gymnasium?

- It looks like it, doesn't it?

- Come on, let's spar a couple of rounds, Pop.

- Ah, you ought to be resting up for tonight.

You'll get in the ring there, you

won't be able to lift your gloves.

- Well, I don't know how he can lift them anyway,

they look like a couple of pillows.

- Well, that's a good idea.

Then the boys won't hurt themselves.

- I don't mind saying, I don't like this whole idea.

- Oh, Harriet, they'll be fighting

with these great big gloves, and I'm

sure the scoutmaster will be careful they box boys

her own age and weight.

- You used to box, didn't you, Pop?

- Well, not professionally, David, but I

used to fool around a little at Boy Scout camps

and stuff like that.

- Did you ever win?

- Oh, sure.

As a matter of fact, our tent held the camp championship

for two years in a row.

- No kidding.

- Yeah, we had some good boys up there.

One kid, they called KO Kelly, another kid

named Jabber Jackson.

- What'd they used to call you, Pop?

- Ah, I don't recall.

- How about Nosedive Nelson?

- I used to give a pretty good account of myself, Harriet.

- I bet you were the best one of them all, Pop.

- Well, I wouldn't say that, Ricky.

But uh, I was a crowd-pleaser, used

to take a pretty good punch.

Yeah, I was a pretty tough customer.

- Well, I can be a pretty tough customer, too,

unless you clear all this stuff out of here.

Come on, take it out to the garage.

- Come on, give me a hand here, Rick.

- Yeah, I'll take the gloves for you.

- Thanks, Pop.

- Let's go, Speed.

- Come on, David.

Let me hit you-- One rabbit punch.

- Boy, they sure are excited about that boxing tonight.

- Well, I wish I'd known about it before,

I'd have never let them get into it.

- No, Harriet, it's a good idea for the kids

to know how to defend themselves.

- I don't want them to get too interested in it

and get all banged up.

- Oh, golly, you can get banged up in a lot of ways.

You can slip and fall in the bathtub,

or you can walk into a door.

- Hey, where are you going?

- I want to take these out of the garage where they belong.

- Oh!

Dear, are you all right?

- Except for my head.

Who the heck left that door closed like that, Harriet?

- I guess the boys did.

I hope you didn't walk into it just to prove your point.

- Ooh, my head. H-- how's it look?

Look on the corner there.

- Well, here, take your hand away, so I can see.

- Swelling up, isn't it?

- Oh, yes, it is.

I better get some liverwurst for that eye.

- Liverwurst?

You're supposed to use beefsteak!

- At these prices, are you kidding?

- Bashed eye bother you?

- No, I don't know, it might be my imagination,

but it seems to me to be swelling up a little there.

Do you think so?

- Oh, goodness, yes.

- And-- and is it discoloring just a little bit?

- Looks like a sunset on the Taj Mahal.

- Gee, I guess, I must have banged

into that door a little harder than I thought at first.

Nobody's going to believe this, you know.

- Well, who left the boxing gloves here?

- Oh, oh, I did.

I'm going to take them out to the garage.

- I thought you were going to do that a half-hour ago.

- Well, I was.

But I-- I, uh, started out there a couple of times and I, uh,

got thinking about this eye.

And I-- I sort of rested up a little bit.

I was putting a little cold water on-- on the eye.

I think it'll be all right.

Uh, are-- uh, are you going out toward the kitchen

in a little while?

- Mm-hmm, why?

- Well, uh, not that I'm superstitious or anything,

but, uh, I wondered if you could kind of guide me

through the doors and the treacherous corners.

- You let me know when.

I'll run interference for you.

- Hello, Oz.

Hey, Oz.

- Oh, oh, hi, Thorny.

- Hey, hey, what are you hiding about?

- I'm not hiding.

- Holy smokes!

Wow, isn't it a little early in the season for watermelon?

- Quite a bump, isn't it?

- Yeah, gee, I think that eye is going to turn black.

Where'd you get it?

Don't tell me you bumped into a door.

- Oh, well, you won't believe this, Thorny.

- Sure, I'd believe it.

David's a pretty big boy.

- Uh, no, no, I actually did bump into a door.

Oh, come on, Oz.

- No, no, no, I really mean it.

It sounds like a stale excuse, I know,

but it's the truth, Thorny.

- Aw, it's nothing to be ashamed of just

because David hung one on you.

It was probably just a lucky punch.

Or was it Ricky?

- No, nobody hung one on me.

I bumped into a door.

- Oh, sure, is that why you were going to burn those boxing

gloves in the incinerator?

- I wasn't going to burn any boxing gloves.

- Well, as a matter of fact, I was just

in there sparring with my boy, Will.

Kid looks pretty good, too.

- Oh, I wondered what you were all dressed up for.

You were boxing, you say?

- Oh, I was just giving him a few pointers--

Show him the old Thornbury Crouch.

See, you keep your body as low as possible.

And when you get hit, you don't have so far to fall.

- I don't mean to sound insulting, Thorny,

but somehow I just never thought of you as a boxer.

- Well, now that you mention it, I never

thought of you as a boxer either.

You always struck me more as a Cocker-Spaniel-type.

- What's this about a crouch, you were saying something?

- Well, it's just a trick I picked up when I was a kid.

You see, I, uh, sort of crouch forward,

and then I sway back into position.

- That's the most ridiculous thing

I've ever seen in my life.

You're not supposed to have your right foot extended.

You're supposed to have your left foot extended

and your left arm extended for jabbing purposes.

- No, no, no, Oz.

This is the whole basis for my strategy-- confusion.

- Believe me, the only confusion will be when they pick you up

off the ground.

You actually mean that's your fighting position?

- Yeah, looks pretty tricky, doesn't it?

- Well, Thorny, this is silly.

Your right arm is hanging down there absolutely useless,

and you've got your left arm-- well,

this looks like a traffic signal or something.

- Ah, just a decoy while my opponent is watching that.

- Ooh!

What the heck are you doing, Thorny?

They ought to have you in a cage or something.

- Jeez, Oz, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were so close.

Did I hurt you?

- Well, you grazed my lip here.

- That doggone punch of mine always catches a guy off guard.

- Off guard!

Are you kidding?

I didn't even have my guard up.

I was just showing you what's wrong with that ridiculous,

clumsy stance of yours.

- Holy smoke, Oz, that lip's beginning to bleed.

- Well, I think I bit it a little in the confusion there.

- Gee, I really hung one on ya.

I didn't realize I had such a terrific punch.

- What are you talking about, Thorny?

I wasn't ready and you know it.

- Oh, now don't get mad, Oz.

I feel bad as it is.

First, David hangs one on you--

- David did not hang one on me!

- Well, Ricky then. First Ricky hangs one on you--

- Ricky didn't hang one on me either!

I walked into a door.

- Well, anyway, I feel terrible.

Sometimes I don't realize my own strength.

- Oh, Thorny, I practically had my back turned to you.

You never hit me.

- Oz, you'd better put something on that lip.

That's beginning to swell up.

- It's nothing at all.

Here, now, take your position, again

and I'll show you what's wrong with it.

- Oh, no, no, you don't, Oz.

I beat you fair and square, and I'm not going

to do any more fighting today.

- Who's talking about fighting?

Just want to show you what's wrong with that silly posture

of yours. - I'm sorry, Oz.

My wife's calling me. Coming, Katherine.

- But, Thorny!

- Oz, there's just one thing.

You don't have to go around the neighborhood telling everyone,

I beat you up.

I'll do it myself.

- Well, for goodness' sake, your lip--

It's swelling up like a balloon.

- It's nothing at all.

- You ought to be more careful, dear.

Which door did you bump into this time?

The one in the garage?

- No, no, no, I--

I didn't bump into any door.

It was that clumsy Thornbury.

I was outside trying to show him a few things about boxing,

and all of a sudden, he stumbled into me when I wasn't looking.

- I'd better get an ice bag.

You had no right to box with him.

- Harriet, we weren't boxing.

In the first place, you should see the way he boxes.

- I can see perfectly, and it's swollen up like a balloon.

- Yes, yes, you said that a moment ago.

- Thorny had no right to hit you.

- Harriet, he didn't hit me!

I tell you, we weren't boxing.

My back was practically turned, and the man

stumbled forward in that clumsy way of his

and happened to hit me in the lip.

He knows absolutely nothing about boxing.

He's a menace to the neighborhood.

- Don't you think you better lie down for a while, dear?

- Oh, I-- I feel fine, I tell you.

- Well, you look awful.

I'd better get an ice bag.

- My eye bothers me more than my lip.

- Gee, what happened to you, Pop?

- Oh, uh, I bumped into a door, David.

- Your lip's all puffed up.

- Oh, oh, that.

Oh, it was just a little accident.

See, I was fooling around with Mr Thornbury outside

and he accidentally hit me.

- He must be a good boxer.

- Oh, no, no, no, we weren't boxing.

Matter of fact, Mr. Thornbury knows absolutely nothing

about boxing.

- Gee, your lip's all swollen up like a balloon.

- Holy smokes!

What happened to your lip, Pop?

- Oh, it was nothing.

It was just a little accident.

- Who hit you?

- Mr. Thornbury?

- Were you and Mr. Thornbury boxing?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, Ricky.

It-- it was a lucky punch.

See, we were outside, and Mr. Thornbury stumbled forward.

And it's lucky I was there.

He might have fallen on the ground and hurt himself.

- You're a good boxer, aren't you, Pop?

- Well, I wouldn't say that.

I used to be able to take care of myself pretty well.

- Our scoutmaster didn't know you

used to be champion of the Boy Scouts.

- Who told him that?

- I did.

- Oh, Ricky, you shouldn't have done a thing like that.

- See, I told you.

- Well, heck, Will Thornbury was bragging about his father.

- Bragging in what way?

- Well, saying, what-- What a great boxer he is.

- Oh, well, that's ridiculous.

I mean, Mr. Thornbury's a very nice man and a good neighbor,

but he knows absolutely nothing about boxing.

- Don't you think you'd better put something on that lip, Pop?

- Uh, it-- it's OK, David.

- Our scoutmaster said to ask you

if you'd like to put on the gloves tonight.

- Put on the gloves?

- Yes, sir, you and Mr. Thornbury?

- He wants Mr. Thornbury and me to put on the gloves?

- Yes, sir.

Mr. Roper thought it'd be an added attraction.

- Uh, who, David?

- Mr. Roper, our scoutmaster.

- Oh, well, gee, tell him thank you very much.

It's very nice of him to think of me.

But I'm sure Mr. Thornbury wouldn't

want to do anything like that.

In fact, you better not even mention it to him.

I wouldn't want to embarrass the poor man.

- Oh, we already asked him, Pop.

- Well, David, you shouldn't have done that.

What excuse did he give?

- Oh, he said, he'd be happy to do it.

- Absolutely ridiculous.

I mean, the poor man doesn't even

know how to hold his hands up, or how to stand, or anything.

- Come on, Pop, what do you say?

Will you do it?

- Well--

- Oh, boy, I knew you would, Pop!

- I'll go upstairs--

- Wait for me, David.

- Here's your ice bag, dear.

What's all the excitement?

- Oh, oh, the boys have got some idea

that they'd like to have Thorny and me

put on a boxing exhibition over at the scout rally tonight.

That is unless you'd rather I wouldn't.

- Well, it's entirely up to you, dear.

At least if you get hit by a person,

you'll be able to fight back.

- Yes, I know, but Thorny is so clumsy, you know?

I'd hate to have him hurt himself.

Not only that, when a person doesn't know anything

about boxing, his awkwardness makes the other person

look ridiculous too.

- Mm-hmm, well, here, you better put this ice bag on your lip.

- Hey, you know, this might be a good idea.

Instead of my putting on this exhibition with Thorny,

why don't Ricky and I put on sort of a-- a comedy

exhibition> You know, I put on a pair of long flannel underwear

and-- and I--

I put some padding in my stomach.

And he keeps hitting me in the-- the stomach.

- I-- I don't know, dear.

I think the boys would rather see you box with Thorny.

- The only thing, though, the-- The man is so clumsy, Harriet.

It's so awkward.

He knows absolutely nothing about boxing.

You ought to see the way he stands.

He puts his right foot out like this,

and then he has his left arm that he extends like a crowbar.

And he hangs his right arm down by his side,

and he moves this one up and down like this.

It's sort of like-- Like-- like that.

It's the silliest--

It's funny, nobody's ever thought of that before.

Ozzie and Harriet will be back in just a moment.

- Hello, Mr. Nelson.

- Oh, hello, Emmy Lou. - Keep going.

You're doing fine. - Well, thank you.

- You.

What kind of a dance is that you're doing?

- Oh, no, it's not a dance.

I'm shadow boxing?

- You've certainly been getting the worst of it.

- Oh, you mean, my eye and my lip?

Well, there were a couple of little accidents occurred

this morning.

- Your eye and your lip look so swollen.

They must be terribly painful.

- Uh, well, Emmy Lou, the boxing game is a tough one.

You've got to expect to take it on the chin once in a while.

- You're so brave, Mr. Nelson.

- Well, not necessarily.

I'm a fighter like this.

I believe it's perfectly OK to take a few punches

in order to hand them out.

- When did you have the fight?

- Oh, I'm not fighting until tonight.

See, these are just little accidents.

But as I say, boxing is a tough game.

You got expect it. - Oh, I know.

Where are you boxing tonight?

- Uh, over the Boy Scout rally.

- Oh, how wonderful, Mr. Nelson!

Which scout are you fighting?

- No, I'm not fighting a Boy Scout.

My opponent is much more formidable than that.

- Who is it?

- Mr. Thornbury.

- Mr. Thornbury.

It's funny, but I never thought of him as a boxer.

Is he very good?

- Well, no, actually, Emmy Lou, I hate to say this,

but Mr. Thornbury will never make a good boxer.

- Well, why is that, Mr. Nelson?

- Well, for one thing, he has a completely unorthodox stance.

See, he fights with his right foot extended,

and there never has been a good fighter

who's has fought that way.

You see, you're supposed to fight

with your left hand extended and your left foot extended.

He has the silliest-- uh, uh, you be Mr. Thornbury.

- Oh, my goodness, do you think he'll mind?

- Uh, let's see, now.

Put your right foot out.

That's it.

Now, he has his left arm right across there.

- Heavens, I can't see.

- Well, may-- no. Here's where it was.

It was-- ah, yes, that's the way it was.

Because I remember, he looked like a traffic signal.

His right arm hanging right by his side there.

- Oh, like this?

- Yes.

Now, that is Mr. Thornbury's boxing position.

Can you believe it?

- Have you seen him?

- Uh, yes, he and I were fooling around a little this morning.

- Oh, so that's how you got the black eye.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, that's how I got the swollen lip.

- He must have hit you pretty hard, Mr. Nelson.

- Well, actually, it was a very sneaky, cowardly punch.

I wasn't looking.

I was talking to the man, and I'll

be darned if I can figure out how he did it.

Left hand was out like that.

And his right hand was down there.

Now, he was talking to me.

And I was looking at his left hand, I remember.

I-- I can't figure out how he could've possibly hit

me and from this position.

You mean, like this?

Oh!

I'm terribly sorry!

I didn't hit your sore lip, did I?

- No, no, no, it's all right, Emmy Lou.

You hit me in the nose.

- Oh, dear-- I must have.

It's bleeding.

- Ah, - Now, you see what I mean?

How could any man ever be a good boxer

with a ridiculous, clumsy stance like that?

- Oh, careful, Mr. Nelson.

It's dripping all over your tie.

Yeah, I'll probably have the only nose-painted

painted necktie in town.

- Do you want to borrow my handkerchief?

- No, I think I have one right here.

- Oh, oh, it-- it's still bleeding, Mr. Nelson.

Maybe you'd better go in and lie down a little while.

You look kind of beat up.

- Oh, no, I'll be-- Oh!

What was that? - What?

- Thought I heard a bell.

This is just not--

Oh, I think I will go and lie down awhile, Emmy Lou.

It's always good to rest up before a fight.

- Well, goodbye, Mr. Nelson.

- Bye, Emmy Lou.

I'll see you.

- Harriet, do you know where the evening paper is?

- Mm-hmm, it's right over here on the table.

For goodness' sake, what happened to your nose?

It's all swollen up.

Well, don't get excited about these little

things.

I was just fooling around outside,

and it was a-- a lucky punch.

- Well, if Thorny does all this to you before the fight,

what is he going to do tonight?

- Thorny?

For goodness' sake, Harriet, that's a laugh.

You must have a fine idea of my boxing ability.

You don't think Thorny could do a thing like this to me,

do you?

- Well, then, who did do it?

- Uh-- uh, Emmy Lou.

- Emmy Lou?

- Well, I told you, it was a lucky punch, Harriet.

She and I were fooling around out--

Not exactly fooling around.

I mean, I was showing her that ridiculous,

clumsy stance of Thorny's.

And all of a sudden, somehow, she hit me the-- the same way.

It was a lucky punch.

I wasn't even ready.

- You look like you're coming home

from a fight instead of going to one.

- This just isn't my lucky day.

- Maybe it'll rain tonight and they'll

call the whole thing off.

- Harriet, you act as if you think I can't beat Thorny.

I'm positive, I can beat him--

Just not sure.

- If you ask me, I think the smart thing to do

would be to chicken out.

- Chicken out!

Harriet, I've never chickened out of anything yet.

And I'm not going to start it now.

- All right, never mind, dear.

You'll feel better after dinner.

- What are we having for dinner?

- Your favorite meal.

- Oh, what is that?

- Chicken.

- Harriet, please.

- Come in, Thorny.

- Oh, hi, Thorny.

- Holy smoke, Oz.

What happened to you? - Oh--

- Boy, that punch I gave you sure

must have covered a lot of territory.

- Hiya, Thorny. How about staying for dinner?

- No, thanks, Harriet, just finished.

However, I could be talked into a small portion of dessert.

- All right, I'll take you up on that.

- Dessert?!

Well, what about the fight?

- Oh, well, if I'm going to have to fight for it, never mind.

How about a cigar?

- Oh, well, no, you shouldn't smoke, Thorny.

For goodness' sake, think what it'll do to your wind.

You'll get into the ring tonight,

and you won't be able to--

-- Yeah, here, Thorny.

When you finish with that one, have one of mine.

- Gee, Oz, thanks.

- Thorny, I'm not going to take advantage of you.

Don't you realize what a big heavy dinner and that smoking

is going to do to your speed?

- Well, who needs speed?

- Well, when you get into the ring tonight,

you want to move around a little.

Oh, not me.

I'm going to take it easy.

I don't have to move around.

- Well, you're pretty darn confident.

You're liable to run into a little trouble.

- Nah, I don't think so.

What's difficult about putting on the boys' gloves for them.

- Putting on the boys' gloves?

- Hey, wait a minute.

Maybe Ricky forgot to tell you.

We're supposed to go over and put on the gloves tonight.

You know, sort of act as seconds for the boys.

- Oh, yeah, he did mention it.

- Sure, Oz. It'll be a lot of fun.

You can sort of give them pointers on boxing.

And well, I'm not so sure your face is going

to inspire confidence, though.

- We're seconds tonight, you say?

- Yeah, and I can't understand why they asked me.

I've never boxed before in my life.

- Are you kidding?

- Oh, you big phony, Oz.

You ought to know that.

You had to show me how to stand and how to use my hands right.

- Wait a minute. Is this right?

- No, no, no, wait a minute.

If you're going to start that again,

I'll watch you from the dining room.

Ah, Oz, I'm really sorry about hitting you.

But, of course, you know, if you'd have been ready--

- Oh, sure, if I'd have been ready, I--

I would-- you're sure you've never

boxed before in your life?

- Honest, Oz, never had the gloves on in my life.

This is really a joke on Harriet.

- Yeah, how's that?

Well, somehow, she got the ridiculous idea that

you and I were going to box each other tonight.

- Of course, naturally, I sort of went along with the gag.

She must have misunderstood Ricky.

- Evidently.

- See, well, yes, of course, you see,

Ricky came in and he said we were supposed to put

on the gloves-- You and I. Meaning,

we were supposed to act as seconds and put the gloves

on the boys.

Harriet thought that we were going

to put the gloves on and fight each other.

This is marvelous.

I think I'll go tell her.

Harriet!

- Women never get things straight.

- Isn't that right.

Uh, Harriet!

She's right out in the kitchen.

I'll be right back, Thorny.

- Oh!

Oh, Ozzie!

Oh.

- Harriet, retire to a neutral corner.

- Well, did I--

I was on the other side in the kitchen,

and you were on the way.

- That's all, right, Harriet? I'm OK.

- Are you sure?

- Oh, yes, I'm fine.

Uh, Harriet.

- Yes, dear?

- I know when I'm licked.

Throw in the dishtowel.

Ozzie and Harriet will be back in just a moment.

- Is the light in your eye?

- No, no, no, it's fine.

It doesn't bother me at all.

- I just want to finish this chapter.

- That's OK, go ahead and keep reading.

- Is your lip bothering you?

- No, no.

In fact, I think most of the swelling has gone down.

- You're sure the boys didn't get hurt tonight?

- No, no, no.

All the kids had a wonderful time.

They had those big gloves on, you know.

In fact, they've decided to have another big rally next month.

- You mean to say, they're going to have boxing every month?

Oh, no, No, don't get excited.

Oh, no, no.

They're going to have different entertainment each month--

Not boxing all the time.

- I certainly hope not.

They'll have all the kids in the neighborhood punch drunk.

What are they going to have next month?

- Uh, wrestling.

- Oh, fine.

- Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun.

Did I ever tell you, I did quite a bit of wrestling myself up

at scout camp when I was a kid?

- Ozzie--

- No, no, no, I did really.

- Come on, gorgeous.

Close your other eye, and let's go to sleep.

Next week, "The Adventures

of Ozzie and Harriet" will be brought to you

by Prophylactic toothbrushes, Listerine toothpaste,

and Listerine, the most widely used antiseptic in the world.

The part of Emmy Lou was played by Janet Waldo.

Don't forget that a completely different episode

of "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

is heard every Friday night on radio.

Consult your newspaper for time and radio station.