Original subtitles

- Hi, I'm Harriet Nelson.

I was just down to the drugstore and I

noticed that the new issue of "Look" magazine

is on the stands.

It has a picture of Adlai Stevenson on the cover,

and if you look inside there are some wonderful pictures

of all us Nelsons.

There's a nice story, too.

While I was down there, I bought some Listerine, too.

Listerine is the one thing I just can't do without.

- What about me?

- Oh, yes.

Ozzie can't do without Listerine either.

Hey, let me in!

- Listerine antiseptic, Listerine toothpaste

and prophylactic toothbrushes present

America's favorite family comedy,

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family.

Here is Ozzie, who plays the part of Ozzie Nelson.

And of course his lovely wife Harriet as Harriet Nelson.

The older of the Nelson boys, David, appears as David Nelson.

And his younger brother, the irrepressible Ricky,

played by Ricky Nelson.

- The Nelson's next door neighbor, Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

- Hi, Pop.

- Oh, hi.

Hey, where are you going with all that junk?

- Please, Pop.

This isn't junk.

This is valuable merchandise.

- Well, by golly, you could have fooled me.

Where'd you get it?

- Will Thornberry and I have been doing a little trading.

How do you like this tire jack?

Isn't it a beauty?

- One of the old timers.

Well, that sure brings back a lot of memories.

- If I had something else to trade

I could have gotten three more of those.

- What in the world would you do with four tire jacks?

- I was thinking on building a car in the backyard

this summer.

- This an old bicycle wheel?

- Yes, sir.

- Well, gee, this is very interesting, Dave,

but what do you think you can do with this?

- I don't know.

Looks like it might come in handy though.

I'll figure out something.

- I suppose you can inflate this old inner tube here and use it

for swimming or boating or fishing this summer.

- That's a good idea, except it has a few holes in it.

- Oh, well, don't leave this valuable merchandise

around the living room where your mother can see it.

- Oh, I won't, Pop.

I'm going to put it in the hall closet.

- Oh, no, Dave, don't put it in the hall closet.

There's scarcely room enough to hang coats in there now.

Take it out to the garage will you?

- OK, Pop.

- Now wait a minute, Rick.

What have you got here?

- It's a wheelbarrow full of valuables.

- Well, look, you can't leave this out in the hall.

- It won't fit in the closet.

I tried it.

- Well, of course it won't fit in the closet.

Where'd you get this stuff?

- We've been trading.

- Well, so David told me.

Look, Ricky, you and David can't go

around collecting all the neighborhood old junk

and dumping it in our hall closet, you know.

- It isn't old junk, Pop.

I just traded it.

- Well, take it out to the garage.

- Oh, heck, Pop.

I just got finished dumping one load in there.

- Well, yeah, so I see.

Golly, you're as bad as David, Rick.

You guys could stand a few lessons in trading.

Boy, here's a valuable piece of merchandise.

What are you going to do with this?

- I'm going to make a couple of slingshots.

- Where'd you get this?

- What's that?

- This copy of the "Police Gazette."

Who traded you this?

- Ronnie Biddle.

I got gypped, too, boy.

There's not one picture of a policeman in the whole thing.

- Oh, now, Rick.

- What's the matter, Pop?

- Look, you're old enough no better than this.

- It isn't mine, Pop.

It must be David's.

- Well, that's even worse.

- I guess David got stuck, huh, Pop?

- Well, if he paid more than $0.10 for this he did.

- Well, I got to get cleaned up.

- No, no, no.

Wait a minute, Rick.

Take this stuff out of the garage first.

- It isn't all mine, Pop.

- Well, you wheel the wheelbarrow out

and I'll take the rest of this junk out.

And listen, this goes for you and David.

I don't mind you trading but don't get stuck all the time.

Don't take all the neighborhood old junk

and dump it in our house.

- I wonder who stuck David with that old clock.

- Oh, I don't know.

- I guess Dave is pretty dumb, huh, Pop?

- It would seems so.

- I guess I am, too.

Pop?

- Yeah?

- Do you believe in the old saying, like father like son?

- Hi, Oz.

- Oh, hi, Thorny.

- What are you going?

- I'm just taking this junk out of the garage.

- Well, if you had stopped by my house

I'd have given you some rags and old papers.

- No thanks.

I'm having enough trouble with the boys.

They've been trading this junk and leaving it

all over the house.

- Oh, so that's it.

That explains some of the things I just picked up myself.

Like this old bicycle seat and this beat-up teapot.

- At least I'm glad to learn they've

been leaving the loot someplace else besides our hall closet.

- Yeah, I found a bicycle seat in my easy chair.

It's really quite a surprise.

I bet I pedaled halfway across the room before I could get up.

- I don't know why the boys always

get stuck with this junk.

- Well, you know, Oz the thing that

puzzles me is how they could trade some perfectly good

things for something like--

Like this beat up teapot.

Now, there's a worthless piece of junk

if I ever saw one, especially for kids.

- If you think that's something, here, take a look at this.

- What is it?

- It's an old clock of some sort.

Of course, this bicycle helmet I don't think goes with it.

- Oh, I was wondering.

Does it work?

- I understand it tells perfect time twice every 24 hours.

- Who got stuck with that.

Ricky?

- He claims not.

Evidently must have been David.

- You know how kids are, Oz.

I bet you did a lot of swapping and trading

when you were a kid, too.

- I don't mind the boys trading and swapping, Thorny,

but gee, I don't think they ought

to get stuck all the time.

- Well, I think it evens up, Oz.

Look at my boy Will.

He would up with this beat up teapot.

- Gee, I wish we could give the kids some sort

of a graphic illustration.

You know, some practical demonstration

of what equitable trading is like.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

- Hi, Pop. Hi, Mr. Thornberry.

- Hi, Ricky.

I understand you've been doing a little trading.

- Yes, sir. Were you and Pop trading?

- Well, we sort of--

- No, Ricky.

We've just been discussing the fact

that you kids seem to get stuck with a lot of this junk

all the time. - Well, now wait a minute.

Wait a second, Oz.

You know, what about that swap we

were going to go through with?

You know, this--

- Oh, yes.

- Tea kettle for the-- - Yes.

Yes.

Mr Thornberry and I think it might be a good idea if we

did a little swapping here.

That teakettle you say for this antique clock.

Yeah.

That's seems to be an equitable trade.

Although I think I should warn you,

Thorny, that this old clock, the more I look it over I

see that it's not exactly a beautiful piece of merchandise.

In fact, I don't think it's run for a considerable number

of years.

Let's face it, Thorny, I would say

this is a real piece of junk.

- Well, Oz, take a look at the teapot.

I think it's a pretty fair trade.

- Yes.

The more I look over that teapot I

think you're absolutely right, Thorny.

Shall we call it a fair exchange?

- It's a deal.

- Teapot for the clock.

Oh, there now, you see that, Ricky?

Mr. Thornberry and I have made an equitable exchange,

the clock for the teapot, and we're both very happy about it.

- You know, Oz, on the level, when I look at this clock

and see what I get with it, I think it's a very good trade.

- Yes.

I see what you mean.

Matter of fact, the more I look at this--

This-- this beautiful--

The more I look at this the teapot,

this will come in very handy.

I can-- Oh, I can use it to pour water in the car radiator with.

Many uses.

- Sure.

Sure.

Well, I think I'll see you later, Oz.

- What's your hurry?

- Well now, no reflection on the clock,

Oz, but I think I'll sort of hide it in the garage.

- I see what you mean, Thorny.

Now, Rick, you see what we mean by a fair bargain?

- Yes, sir.

- You're always supposed to exercise good judgment

in any trade.

Now let's see if you learned your lesson.

What would you be willing to trade me

for this beautiful old English teapot?

- Well, I'll give you this scout knife.

- Don't be too hasty.

You just saw the exchange between Mr Thornberry and me.

You heard all the conversation.

Don't make this a one sided deal now.

- OK then, I'll give you this scout knife and this tennis

ball.

- No, no, no, no, Rick.

Here, I'll just take the scout knife

and you take that English teapot.

- Gee, thanks, Pop.

- You're really happy with the exchange you just

made, this beautiful scout knife for that old dented teapot?

- Sure, Pop.

- What in the world are you going to do with that?

- I'm going to keep my marbles in it.

- Well, I know, but Rick, just look at this.

This is a beautiful scout knife and that's

an old dented teapot.

You sure you're happy with the bargain?

- Yes, sir.

- Look, Rick, I don't want to take advantage of you.

Take the old teapot out to the garage

and I'll give you back your scout knife.

- Oh no, Pop, a deal is a deal.

- I know, Ricky.

Look, please take the scout knife back will you?

It looks very dangerous.

I'm liable to cut myself.

- Well, you don't have to worry about that, Pop.

It doesn't have any blades.

- Dinner will be ready in just a minute, darling.

- Oh, good. Lamb chops.

- I hope you like them, sweetheart.

- Oh, I'm sure I will.

- I hope so, dear.

- Harriet?

- Yes, darling?

- The answer is no.

- No what?

- Whatever you're trying to get.

- I'm not trying to get anything.

- Oh, Harriet, then why all this "darling,"

"dear" and "sweetheart" stuff?

- Well, for goodness sake's, can't a woman

be in love with her big, strong, handsome husband?

- Now, no matter how much you flatter me

the answer is still "maybe."

- Believe me, dear, I'm not trying to get anything else.

- Oh, I-- anything else?

What do you mean, anything else?

- Well, I spent a little money today.

- Oh?

What did you buy?

- Oh, it's lovely, dear.

The minute I saw it I said to myself,

"Ozzie's just going to be crazy about this."

I know you'll just love it.

- Oh, oh, fine.

What is it?

- Well, Kartherine Thornberry and I

happened to be passing by this cute little shop

and so we decided to stop in.

I got the most wonderful bargain.

- What was it you bought?

- I'm trying to give you a little background.

I want you to understand all the circumstances.

- In other words, you're stalling.

- I'm not stalling.

- OK, what did you buy?

- I'll tell you after dinner.

- After dinner? - Yes.

Now I'm stalling.

- Well, Harriet, if it's something nice

and you got a bargain on it, why are you so worried?

- I got worried.

If you must know, it's a clock.

- That sounds like a very sensible purchase to me.

- It's an antique clock too.

It's mahogany and has little gold rim around the face

and all the parts are made in Switzerland.

It's really beautiful.

- Oh, fine.

Does it tell time?

- Well, no.

That's the only trouble with it.

They're trying to fix the parts for me,

but even if it doesn't work it'll

look lovely on the mantle.

- Oh, sure.

And If we have any company, people

ask what time it is, the boys can just turn the hands right

to the time.

Where is this thing?

- Well, you won't laugh at me now?

- No, no, no.

Why should I laugh?

- I was sort of afraid of your reaction

so I hid it in the hall closet.

- Oh, the hall closet.

You mean the closet in the hall?

- Well, yes, of course.

- Oh, well--

Harriet, the craziest thing happened.

You'll scream at this.

- What happened?

- I'd better not tell you.

You'll scream at this.

- Want to see the clock?

- No, no.

Not now, Harriet.

I mean, why don't we wait till later?

It might spoil your dinner.

- Spoil my dinner?

- I mean, you might spoil my dinner.

You know, we've got--

Mmm, those lamb chops smell so good.

- I don't mean the lamb chops. I mean the clock.

Don't you want to see the clock?

- Well, Harriet, after all a clock is a clock as a clock.

- Well, this is more than a clock.

This is a beautiful antique.

- Yes, I know.

You told me it's a beautiful antique.

It doesn't tell time.

- Well, it will as soon as they fix the parts for me.

They'll have the works for me in a couple of days.

- Oh, well why don't we eat dinner first.

I have kind of a feeling I'll be getting the works

before you do.

- Ozzie and Harriet will be back in just a moment.

- Hi, Pop.

- Hi, Pop.

- Hello, fellas.

- How come you're locking the door?

- Oh, the closet door?

Just playing a little joke on your mother.

- Is mom locked in there?

- No.

It's not a joke to lock somebody in the closet.

- Well, how come you're locking the door?

- Well, see, I am locking the closet door

to keep your mother out of the closet.

- I don't get it.

- Well, it's kind of hard to explain.

It's sort of an older folks joke you might say.

You guys will understand when you grow up

and have a wife of your own.

- A wife of our own?

- Well, yes, of course.

- You mean one wife between the two of us?

- Look, it's a nice evening.

Why don't you guys go out and take a little walk.

- Mom doesn't want us to go out after dinner, Pop.

- Tell us some more about the joke.

- Well, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll let you guys be a very important part of the joke.

Can you fellas keep a secret?

- Sure, Pop.

- Yeah, what's the deal?

- Remember the old clock that I traded to Mr.

Thornberry that we thought was David's?

- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

Ricky told me about it.

- Well, see, here's what I want you guys to do.

Don't say anything about it to your mother.

- I saw a picture the other week where

this one guy gave this other guy $1,000 not to snitch on him.

- Seems to me I've heard of this picture before.

- Well, no, this is another one.

- Oh, well, nevertheless, that's a bribe, Ricky.

You can go to jail for that.

Besides, I'm sure the guy got his just desserts in the end.

- You can buy an awful lot of desserts with $1,000 boy.

- That's not the point.

- Would $1 be a bribe?

- Well, of course it would.

- How about $0.50?

- Yes, that's a bribe, too.

- It's awfully hard to talk with a soda straw in your mouth.

- Look, any money you give somebody to pay for his silence

is a bribe.

Not only that, it's pretty cowardly

to be bullied into paying like that.

- I don't know.

This guy in this picture was awful brave, Pop.

- Just like you.

- Well, nevertheless it's a cowardly thing

to allow yourself to be shaken down.

However, let's forget about the picture.

Why don't you guys go down and buy a soda for yourself?

- We don't have any money.

- Oh, well, here.

I think I can let you have a dollar.

- Is this a bribe, Pop?

- No, no, of course not.

It's perfectly legitimate for a father

to give his own sons money for sodas.

- I just don't want the police to come down here and griddle

me.

- I think you're in the clear.

Oh, I think I hear your mother.

Here's a dollar. Hurry up, fellas.

- Thanks, Pop.

- Thanks, chief.

- Ozzie?

- Yes, dear.

- Where are the boys?

I thought they were with you.

- Oh, yes, they were.

They just stepped out for a few moments.

- So late?

- Yeah, they'll be right back.

How about it?

- How about what?

- Well, aren't you going to show me the beautiful clock

you bought?

- Well, I'd love to but you didn't seem

to be interested in it before.

- Oh, Harriet, stop teasing.

I think you said it was right in the closet.

Didn't you say you put it there? - Yes, I did.

- That's funny.

- Something the matter, dear?

- The door is locked.

I wonder who could have done that?

- Oh, the boys didn't do it.

- I didn't say the boys did do it.

- Oh.

- What makes you so sure they didn't do it?

- Well? - I'll just ask them.

- No, no, no.

Harriet, they won't talk.

I mean, they won't be back for quite a while.

- I thought you said they'd be back in a few minutes.

- Oh, well.

- Where'd they go?

- They just went down to the store.

They wanted to buy a couple of chocolate bribes.

I mean, chocolate sodas.

I tell you, why don't you look for the key.

I want to see Thorny about something.

- I don't know where the key is.

- I'll be right back, dear.

- Whoa!

Hi, Oz.

- What are you doing prowling around my garage

in the dead of the night?

- Is this your garage?

- You know darn well it is.

However, since we've been old friends and neighbors

for a good number of years, and since this is probably

your first offense, I'll overlook it.

- Gee, thanks, Oz.

- As a matter of fact, Thorny old pal,

I was just over to your house looking for you.

See, remember this afternoon we made a little exchange?

I traded you an old battered up clock?

- Yeah.

- Well, my conscience has been bothering me, Thorny.

I tell you what I'll do.

I'll take the clock off your hands

and instead I'll give you this beautiful jackknife, guaranteed

not to cut you.

- Just a minute, Oz.

I've been feeling pretty terrible myself.

To think that I pawned off a battered old teapot

on a friend.

I'll tell you what.

You give me back the teapot and I'll give you this dandy

lively bounder baseball.

- I tell you what we better do, Thorny.

Why don't we just restore the whole thing to status quo?

In other words, you give me back the old broken down clock

and I'll give you back the teapot.

It's in the garage here someplace, I believe.

- No.

No, it isn't, Oz.

- What makes you so sure?

- Well, didn't you think it was strange when

you found me in your garage?

- Well, yes, I did.

As I say, I won't turn you into the police

if you give me back the old broken down clock.

- Oz, I'd love to.

But unfortunately, it's not mine to give back.

You see, with a little shrewd trading on my part,

I was able to get a baseball for it.

- Who did you trade with?

- My boy Will.

He wants to make a birdhouse out of it.

- Might as well let you in on a little news.

That clock happens to be very valuable.

- Well, naturally.

That's why I was able to get a baseball for it.

- No, no, no. You don't understand.

It's a valuable old antique.

Harriet bought it in an antique shop.

- What?

And you're trying to get it back with that broken

down old knife?

Oz, you crook.

However, I'm willing to forget everything if you'll just

give me back that old teapot.

- Well, unfortunately I can't.

You see, I traded the teapot to Ricky.

He used it to keep marbles in and I

understand every time you wants a marble he pours one

out the spout.

- You mean that you gave Ricky a valuable antique?

Oh, how could you?

- Valuable antique?

- Sure, Katherine got it at the auction today.

- And you offered me a baseball for it?

Why, you big crook you.

I'll overlook it provided you give me back the broken down

old battered clock.

- Oz, you've already told me it's a valuable antique.

- Hi, Pop. - Ricky.

- I'm here too, Pop. - Hi, boys.

- Hi, Mr. Thornberry.

- Is that a clock you've got there?

- Yes, sir.

- Where did you get it, David?

- I give Will a quarter for it.

- Say, Dave, how would you like to make a little trade

with your old dad?

- What do you want to trade, Pop?

- Well, you give me that clock and I'll give you

this beautiful antique knife.

- It doesn't have any blades.

- Say, Rick, is that a teapot you got there.

- Yes, sir. I got it from Pop.

- Well, Rick old boy, old pal, how would you

like to trade that teapot for this beautiful baseball?

- I'll give you the clock for the baseball.

- David, won't you give me the clock for the knife?

- No, sir. I want the baseball.

- I want the knife for the teapot.

- Well, I don't want the teapot, I want the clock for the knife.

- How about trading the teapot for the baseball?

- No, sir.

I want the knife of the teapot.

- Wait a minute.

I think I have something figured out here.

Thorny, you exchange the baseball

for the teapot with Ricky. - Right.

- Well, I don't want the baseball.

- I want the baseball, Pop.

- I want the teapot.

- I want the knife for the teapot.

- Ricky, stop saying I want the knife for the teapot.

- But I want the knife for the teapot.

- Well, I want the clock for the knife.

- I want the baseball for the clock.

- Wait, wait a minute, Oz.

Let me try something here.

Oz, you give David the knife.

David, you give me the clock.

Rick, you give your father that teapot

and I'll give you the baseball.

See?

Now, Oz, you give me the teapot and I'll give you the clock.

How's that?

- Well, that's perfect, Thorny.

Congratulations. - Wait a minute.

I got the baseball.

- And I got the knife.

- Oh, I'm too old to go through that again.

- If I can't have the knife I want the teapot back.

- And if I can't have the baseball,

I want the clock back.

- Wait a minute, now.

If I give the clock.

No, no.

- Wait a minute.

Here, Ricky.

- Hey, I got the knife.

- And I got the baseball.

- I got the clock.

- I got the teapot.

- Ozzie?

- Oh, oh.

- What are you doing wearing your overcoat in the house?

- Oh, well I'm going to take it right off.

- Well, go ahead.

- Well, you're here.

- Of course I am, dear.

We're married.

I've seen you without your overcoat lots of times.

- I'm, I'm going to take it right off.

- What's that big bulge under it?

- Oh, I guess I must be putting on a little weight.

That cooking of yours--

Would you answer the phone?

- I didn't hear anything.

- Oh, well, why don't you answer the phone just

in case there might be somebody there?

I would myself except I want to hang this coat in the closet.

- Oh, I got the closet door open.

- How could you?

I have-- I mean--

We can't find the key.

- Oh, the back door key opens it perfectly.

I'll show you the clock just as soon

as I finish putting away the dishes.

- Oh, well, yes.

That's a good idea.

You put away the dishes.

- Leave the door, dear.

- OK.

- Hi, Pop.

- Oh, oh, Rick.

- What are you doing?

- I'm just going to this clock back in the closet.

Don't say anything to your mother now.

I need to straighten up this closet.

- Hey.

Ricky?

Come on.

Open the door son.

Ricky?

Ricky?

Come on, son.

It's very funny but the joke is over.

Ricky, open the door.

David?

David, did you lock that door?

David?

Open the door, David.

Well, goodnight, Harriet.

- Goodnight, dear.

- Ozzie and Harriet will be back in just a moment.

- You really don't like that clock do you?

- Oh, sure, it's fine, Harriet.

- Oh, I can tell you don't like it.

- Well, now that you mention it.

- Don't be afraid to admit it, dear.

I don't care for it either.

- Well, as long as we both agree.

I do think you could have bought something a little more

useful for the same money.

- You're absolutely right.

- There are dozens of things you could have bought instead.

When are you're going to take it back?

- Oh, I'm not going to take it back.

I traded it this morning.

- You traded it?

- To Katherine Thornberry for the most beautiful

old English teapot.

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Next week, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky--

Will be brought to you by Hotpoint quality appliances.

Remember, look to Hotpoint for the finest first.

Don't forget that a completely different episode

of "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

is heard every Friday night on radio.

Consult your newspaper for time and radio stations.