Original subtitles

- Listerine antiseptic, Listerine toothpaste,

and Prophylactic toothbrushes present

America's favorite family comedy,

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family.

Here is Ozzie, who plays the part of Ozzie Nelson.

And, of course, his lovely wife Harriet as Harriet Nelson.

The older of the Nelson boys, David, appears as David Nelson.

And his younger brother, the irrepressible Ricky,

played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelson's next-door neighbor, Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

- I hate to bring up an unpleasant subject,

but tomorrow's the deadline on your income tax.

- Well, I always manage to sneak in under the wire, don't I?

- I don't know why you always let it

go until the very last night.

- Hold on.

How can you say that?

You know darn well I have been up working hard the last three

nights.

- How can you stay up that late, Pop?

- Well, when you have something important to do,

you just concentrate real hard.

You stay awake.

- Whenever I get to stay up that late, I always fall asleep.

- Well, if I know your father, he

spent most of his time reading magazines,

and he'll be up all night tonight with his income tax.

- Now, don't be so sure.

I may fool you this time.

- Oh, you said that last year, and you didn't get to bed

until 5 o'clock in the morning.

- Can I stay up with Pop tonight, Mom?

- Oh, you certainly cannot.

- Don't be ridiculous, Ricky.

- I think it'll be fun.

- No, I'm afraid figuring your income tax hardly

comes under the classification of fun.

- Besides, your father will have enough on his mind

without having to worry about you.

- Yeah, we don't want anything to happen to you guys.

- Hey, that's right.

We're deductible, huh, Pop?

- Yes, David.

The government allows us $600 a year for each of you boys.

That pays for your shoes.

- I'm sure glad I don't have to pay any income tax, boy.

You will someday.

- The president of our school says every man

should pay an income tax.

- Well, I think just about every man does nowadays.

Yeah, but he ought to pay for his wife, too.

Women work hard all day at a thankless job and slave

over a hot stove at night.

Who says all this?

- Our principal, Mrs. Benson.

He had me wondering there for a minute.

- Gee, look at the time.

I'd better hurry up.

- Where are you going, David?

- Over to Bob Swanson's.

- What are you guys cooking up today?

- Nothing special.

- What do you guys usually cook up?

- Oh, he's got his garage set up like a chemistry lab.

- Oh, say, I hope you're not concocting anything dangerous.

- Oh, nothing dangerous.

I'll get some good ideas, though.

- You ought to meet him, Pop.

He's real crazy man.

Yeah, he sure is.

- Only he's crazy the way it means in the dictionary.

- I've met him, and he seems like a very nice boy.

- Oh, he is.

He's just kind of a practical joker.

He's a nice guy, though.

- Well, there's nothing wrong with practical jokes.

In fact, the person with a good sense of humor

is a welcome addition to any group.

Sure. Look at me.

- What about you?

- I'm a real joker, boy.

- Well, I must admit there are times when you're quite a card.

- You can say that again.

- What are you laughing at, David?

You're from the same deck, you know.

- All right, somebody help to clear the table.

- I'll help you, Mom.

- Oh, will somebody get the telephone?

- I'll get it, Harriet.

I'm expecting a call.

- Come on, Rick.

You can help, too.

- Big man, pushes little people around.

- Hello?

- Hello there, Oz.

This is Herb Dunkle.

- Oh, oh, hi.

Uh, just a second, Dunk.

Just wanted to make sure Harriet was in the other room.

Well, I've got all the figures.

I'll bring them over to your office.

- I may be out for a spell this afternoon, so just

put them on my desk.

I'll get at them as soon as I return.

- And remember, don't mention this to anybody, will you?

I don't want it to get back to Harriet.

- Oh, you can count on me, Oz, old boy.

Mum's the word.

Mum is the word.

So long, Dunk.

- What about Mom?

- Oh, Ricky.

You don't want to sneak up on a person like that, son.

- Well, I was here all the time, Pop.

- Oh?

Well, in the first place, the word wasn't "mom."

It was "mum."

See, I have a little surprise for your mum--

Uh, your mom.

- What kind of a surprise?

- Well, remember now, this is secret just between you and me.

- What about Mr. Dunkle?

- Well, yes, Mr. Dunkle has to know about it, too.

You see, he's going to make out my income tax for me this year.

That is, I've gathered together all the material, and all

the information, and all the figures and all,

but he's going to make out the actual forms and stuff.

- Well, how come?

- Well, you see, he's an accountant.

He knows all about that kind of thing.

- How come you're not going to tell Mom about it?

- Uh, well, I'm--

I'm going to tell her later on, but, you see,

this is sort of a little practical joke on her.

She thinks that I have to stay up late tonight

and make out my income tax.

- I don't get it.

- Well, it's not a big hilarious routine,

but I think she'll be kind of amused by it.

It's a little practical joke, you might say.

- Oh, stealing my stuff, huh, Pop?

- Well, sure.

I just want to prove you're not the only card in the pack.

Marvelous.

- OK, Pop, but just remember one thing.

There's only one joker in every deck.

Oh, marvelous.

- Come in.

- Hello, Mrs. Nelson.

- Hello, Mr. Miller.

You can put that box right on the table here.

- All right.

Would you care to check over the list?

- Oh, no, I'm sure everything's there.

- All right.

Say, I took the liberty of adding

an extra pound of coffee.

It's my own special blend for income tax eve.

I figured it'd come in mighty handy for Mr. Nelson,

keep him awake tonight.

- Oh, what sort of a blend is it?

- Well, it's 100% pure caffeine with all the coffee removed.

Gosh, that was a fine little joke.

- Well, I'm afraid it's what Mr. Nelson will need, though.

How about you?

You got your tax returns ready to mail?

- Oh, goodness no, Mrs. Nelson.

That's a laugh.

- I guess all you fellas are just alike.

- Well, according to my wife, I'm the worst of the bunch.

She says I'm the procrastinatest procrastinator that

ever procrastinated.

- Well, Mr. Nelson does the same thing every year.

No matter how many times he resolves to get them in early,

somehow he always manages to get them in just under the wire.

- Well, I'll tell you what I did.

A couple of nights ago, I got together the tax papers,

I sharpened the pencils, got out the scratch pad,

cleared off the desk, pulled up my chair,

turned on my television set.

And it looks like a long night tonight.

- That sounds exactly like our house.

- Well, actually, all you need is one evening

a good concentration, but I just can't seem to concentrate.

- Well, it would probably help if you turned off

the television set.

- Well, yes, but, frankly, I think

it would help a little more if I could turn off Mrs. Miller.

Not that she isn't a real fine woman, mind you.

But it's just that it's hard to get the work accomplished

when she's standing over you.

You see, she used to be a schoolteacher.

And every time I look up at her and she looks down at me, I--

I get the feeling like I'm a little boy who hasn't

finished his homework yet.

Not that she isn't a real fine woman, like I say,

but I could get the work done a lot easier if she would

just kind of get out of the house and go to a show

tonight or something.

- Say, Mr. Miller, you've given me an idea.

- Oh, really?

- Well, you know, it's no fun for the wives

to sit around and listen to you fellas moan about making out

your income tax.

Maybe I could get a gang of the wives tonight

and we could go over to the woman's club

and play cards or something.

- Say, that's a mighty fine idea.

And say, Mrs. Nelson, just in case you should need a fourth,

may I suggest Mrs. Miller?

Like I say, she's a mighty fine woman.

- I guess Mr. Dunkle's out to lunch.

Yeah, here are my returns right here.

Ricky, don't mess around with that filing cabinet.

Mr. Dunkle has got a lot of personal stuff

in there, probably.

- Great desk, Pop.

- Yeah.

Don't disturb anything there, now.

- How can I?

It's all locked up.

- Well, he probably knew I was bringing you along.

- How'd he know that?

- I don't know.

- Look at me, Pop.

I'm a big business man.

- Ricky, take the cigar out of your mouth, will you, please?

- It's still got the paper on it.

- All right, well, put it back in the box,

and take your feet off the desk.

Tax payments item 6.

Add to the balance--

- Chair, boy.

Look at me, Pop.

No hands.

- Very good.

Ricky!

Come on!

Cut that out.

You want to fall out the window?

Look, why don't you sit over in this chair here?

And just relax, will you?

I'll be through in just a minute.

- Hey, I didn't know Mr. Dunkle had a safe.

- Yeah.

- I wonder what they keep in it.

- Oh, probably valuable papers or bonds.

Might even have some money in there.

- Did you ever see those burglars in the movies, they

way they open it?

They just turn this little dial, and the thing

swings right open.

- Make sure the sheet is attached to this form.

- You think you could open it up, Pop?

- No, I'm afraid opening safes is a little out of my line.

Leave it alone, now.

- I'm just looking at it.

I bet you could if you tried.

- Well, I'm not going to try.

- You want me to try?

- No, thanks.

That won't be necessary.

Oh, come on, son.

- Hey, Pop, about how old would you say the safe is?

- Oh, I don't know.

It's a pretty old one.

Very well built, though.

- It sure looks heavy.

I'd bet you a safe-cracker would have to blast this one open.

- Oh, not necessarily, Ricky.

Those guys really know their business.

I don't think they'd have much trouble opening this.

- Well, how do they do it?

- They do it with sandpaper.

- Wouldn't that take an awful lot of time?

- No, what I mean is, see, they sandpaper

the tips of their fingers.

That makes them very, very sensitive.

And then they just turn the dials,

and they listen carefully as the tumblers fall in place.

- Well, what do you mean? - Well, look.

I'll show you.

You see these little numbers?

Each one has a combination, as you probably know.

Now, they just move it back.

They sandpaper the fingers, of course.

And then just turn it and turn it and listen very carefully.

- I think it'd be more fun to put a stick of dynamite

and blow the door open.

- Oh, no.

The cops would be on us in no time.

Much better just to turn this gradually one

way and then the other, listening very carefully

for the tumblers.

- You sure know a lot about safe-cracking, Pop.

- Not necessarily.

Hmm.

Did you hear something?

- No.

What, Pop?

- I thought I heard a little click then,

as if the tumblers fell into place.

What was that?

- I didn't hear anything.

- Didn't you?

Its sounded like a little click to me.

- Well, the safe didn't open.

- Well, I know.

The safe does not until you pull the handle.

Hey! - Gee, Pop!

You did it!

- How about that!

- How'd you do it, Pop?

- Oh, your old man is a guy of many talents.

- I should find another place to hide my money, boy.

- Hey, I don't blame you.

Well, I'm a regular Jimmy Valentine.

- I sure wish I could open a safe like that, boy.

- See, I just happened to think of a wonderful idea.

- What's that, Pop?

- Well, here's a little joke we could play on Mr. Dunkle.

It'd really mystify him.

See, as long as I've got the safe open now,

why don't I put my tax papers in there and then lock it up again

and let him figure out how I got it open in the first place.

- It's a lucky thing you're a good safe-cracker.

- Ricky, I'm not a safe-cracker at all.

The safe just accidentally came open.

- I don't know.

You sure look like you knew what you were doing.

- Well, believe me, I didn't.

Boy, old Dunkle's going

to get a kick out of this.

- I hope so.

- Oh, sure.

People enjoy having little practical jokes

played on them, especially if they have a sense of humor.

- Do you enjoy having little jokes pulled on you?

- Well, sure I do, if they're really funny.

Boy, old Dunkle's really going to be mystified.

Hey!

Here's Mr. Thornberry's tax return too.

I guess ol' Thorny's been playing it smart this year.

- Why don't you put them in the safe with yours?

- Yeah, I think I will.

That's a good idea.

Now, I'll leave a little note for Mr. Dunkle.

Let's see.

What would be a funny thing to say?

- You sure are full of jokes today, Pop.

- Well, a little practical joke never hurt anybody.

"If you're looking for Thorny's tax papers or mine,

they're locked--" "in a safe place--

Your safe."

How do you like that?

- Yeah, it's good.

- What are you doing down there?

- Oh, nothing much.

- Well, come on. Let's go, son.

- Oh, wait a minute.

You'd better make sure the safe is locked.

- Well, I locked it before.

Don't you remember?

- You'd better try again.

- No, don't be--

Ah!

I tied your shoelaces together.

Wasn't that funny?

- Yes, yes.

Very funny.

You just can't hear me laughing with my head

in this wastebasket.

"Ozzie and Harriet" will be back in just a moment.

- Ozzie?

Oh, it's me, mom.

- Oh, hello, dear.

- Hi.

- Do you know where your father is?

- I think he went someplace with Ricky.

- Oh. - Why?

What's the matter?

- Oh, nothing's the matter.

I was just talking to some of the wives a while ago,

and we decided that since the men will

be working on their income tax reports

tonight that we might have a little get together

down at the woman's club.

- Oh, good.

That fits in swell. - Why, dear?

Did you make some plans?

- Yes, ma'am.

Can I spend the night over at Bob Swanson's?

- Have you been invited?

- Yes, ma'am. Ricky, too.

- Well, sure. That's fine.

Go ahead.

- There's going to be five of us;

Bob, Ricky, me, Will Thornberry, and Georgie Dunkle.

- Is there enough room for five of you fellows?

- Oh, sure.

Bob's got a pretty big bed.

- It certainly isn't big enough to sleep five of you.

- Oh, no.

Two of the guys can sleep in the bed,

and the other guys can sleep on the floor.

We can bring our sleeping bags.

- You're sure this is all right now?

Who invited all you fellas?

- Bob did.

- Yeah, I thought so.

Does Mrs. Swanson know about this?

- Oh, sure.

I asked her, and she said it was swell.

- Well, if you're sure.

- I'm sure.

I wouldn't leave it up to Bob.

You know, him and his jokes, he'd

probably wind up sleeping on the front lawn.

- Well, OK.

That'll give your father the house all to himself.

Just poor old dad and the income tax papers.

- Doesn't that stuff has to be in the mail by tomorrow?

- That's right.

It's usually a photo finish, but he always seems to make it.

I've got everything all set up for him.

Plenty of paper and sharp pencils.

I've hidden the magazines, disconnected the radio,

and turned the television set to the wall.

- Well, fancy meeting you here.

- We were just talking about you.

Where have you two been?

- Oh, just around, downtown.

- Around, downtown.

- Well, looks as if it might have been a rough voyage.

- Well, uh, could be.

- Could be.

- What were you doing downtown?

- Oh, uh, nothing much, really.

- Just a little safe-cracking, that's all.

- Safe-cracking?

- Just a little private joke.

Don't let it worry you, dear.

- Tell them about tonight, Mom.

- Oh, yes, I've got some good news for you.

You have the house all to yourself tonight.

- Oh? How come?

- The boys have been invited over to Bob Swanson's.

- Since when?

- He invited us this afternoon.

You, too, Rick.

- Are you going out tonight, too, Harriet?

- Well, yes, I thought I'd go over to the woman's club

and play some Bridge.

And that'll give you a chance to work on your taxes

without any interruption.

- Well, this may come as quite a shock,

but I finished all my work on my taxes.

- Oh, you're kidding.

- No.

But Dunkle's going to finish it up for me.

- Oh, say that reminds me.

He phoned you while you were out,

and he wanted you to call him just as soon as you came in.

- Oh, yeah.

I was kind of expecting he'd call.

- He seemed rather upset about something.

- I think, uh, "mystified" would be a more appropriate word.

- I wonder why he wasn't laughing.

- Well, he'll laugh as soon as he catches on to the joke.

- What joke?

- Well, you see, Dunkle has this big old safe in his office,

so I was sort of showing Ricky how a safe is opened.

You know, I was just fooling around with the dials

a little bit, and all of a sudden,

the darn thing popped right open.

- Pop sure would make a good burglar, boy.

- He's sounds like one already.

- No, it was an accident.

Honest.

- Where does the joke come in?

- Well, you see, Thorny had his tax papers over there, too.

So after I'd accidentally opened the safe,

I thought it would be kind of funny--

I took my tax papers and I took Thorny's, and I put them

in the safe, and then I closed the safe and locked it again.

And now, poor old Dunkle can't figure out how I got it open.

Don't you think that's kind of a funny joke?

- Oh, yes.

Is that a police car stopping in front of our house?

- Where?

- No, I'm only kidding.

- Oh!

You had me a little worried there for a minute.

- Say, I'd better call some of the wives

and tell them I can't make it.

- Oh, no, no.

I don't want you to do that, Harriet.

- Well, I wouldn't want to leave you home alone.

- That's OK.

I don't want to spoil your fun.

- You aren't spoiling our fun, dear.

I can play Bridge any night.

- Where are you going?

- Oh, just out to get dinner started.

- Oh.

I think I'll go phone old Dunkle and clear up

the mystery for him.

- Oz, have you talked to Dunkle yet?

- No, I was just about to phone him.

- I worked three nights on those tax papers, Oz.

Three long hard nights!

- Don't get excited, Thorny.

They're OK.

Didn't Dunkle get my note?

- Yeah, sure he got your note.

That's the reason he's so worried.

He's worried because he can't figure out how I got

his safe open.

- He knows how you got it, Oz.

It was never locked.

- Was never locked?

- That's right, but it is now.

Now Dunkle's worried about how he's going to get it open.

- Now, wait a minute.

You mean to say the man doesn't even

know the combination of his own safe?

- Oz, the safe was already there when

Dunkle moved into the office.

It's never been locked because he never uses it.

And he never uses it because he doesn't know the combination.

- You mean to say that my tax papers are

locked in that safe and nobody knows the combination?

- My tax papers are locked in there too!

- It's a neat joke on Mr. Thornberry, huh, Pop?

- Ricky, please.

This is serious.

- I thought it was a joke.

- Yes, it started out to be, but it's suddenly

taken a very dramatic turn.

- Oz, I want my tax papers.

- Thorny, just calm down for a minute.

- Three nights I worked on them, Oz.

Three long hard nights.

I'll never be able to remember some of those deductions.

- Yes, yes, I went through the same thing myself.

- I want my tax papers, Oz!

- Thorny, please.

Don't get hysterical.

I'm sure there must be something we can do.

- Fine.

What do you have in mind?

- Well--

- I'm waiting.

- You say they can't get the safe open.

- That's right.

And they called the safe company,

and they're closed for the weekend.

- Hmm.

Think this over for a second.

You say they definitely--

Can't get the safe open.

- They trusted us.

- Any more bright ideas?

- Who did the safe belong to?

I'm sure they still have the comb--

- We don't know.

- Don't know. - No.

- Don't know.

How about the company that manufactured the safe

in the first place?

They'd have the com--

- They went out of business in 1912.

- 1912.

- Yes.

- Papers are locked in the safe.

Nobody knows the combination, so therefore we

can't get the safe open.

That's our problem, right?

- And it's a beaut to.

Well?

- Uh, Harriet?

Before you go out, will you put a pot of coffee on?

Looks like it's going to be one of those long, long hard

nights.

"Ozzie and Harriet" will be back in just a moment.

- Want another cup of coffee, Thorny?

- No thanks.

I've already had four cups.

- Well, we'll probably be finished with this stuff

in about an hour or two.

- Yeah, probably.

- Well, cheer up.

You had nothing better to do tonight anyway.

- Nothing except catch up on my sleep.

- Oh, you can't kid me.

Thorny, you know darn well you'd miss the excitement

of this last minute rush.

Besides, everybody else is figuring out his tax return

tonight. - Oz, please.

I'm trying to add up these figures.

- Oh, hello, Dunk. - Oh, good evening.

- Is Oz home? - Yes, he is.

They're right in the dining home.

- Oh, thank you. - Come on in, Dunk!

We're right in here in the dining room.

- Hi, Dunk.

- Hello there, Thorny. Hello, Oz.

- Hi.

- Don't tell me you managed to unlock the safe.

- No, I'm afraid not.

David called me, though.

- David?

- Yes, it seems a friend of his has a chemistry set.

- Oh, oh, yes, uh, Bob Swanson.

What did David phone about?

- It seems they've been doing some experimenting,

and they volunteered to blow the safe open for me.

- I hope you turned them down.

- Oh, yes, indeed.

But I think I have a solution.

It, uh, may be rather expensive, though.

- Well, let's hear it.

- Yeah.

- Well, the law says your returns have to be in the mails

by March 15. - Yeah.

- Yes, that's right.

- Well, my idea is to get your returns in, and let the tax

department worry about the rest.

- What do you mean?

- Simple.

We just mail them the safe.

Oh, bully, bully, bully.

Bully, bully, bully, bully, bully.

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Next week, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky--

Will be brought to you by Hotpoint Quality Appliances.

Remember, look to Hotpoint for the finest first.

Joseph Kearns played the part of Mr. Dunkle.

Bob Sweeney was Mr. Miller.

Don't forget that a completely different episode

of "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

is heard every Friday night on radio.

Consult your newspaper for time and radio station.