Original subtitles

- Now, the makers of Hotpoint Home Appliances

are happy to bring you a repeat performance of one of the best

liked of "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family.

Here is Ozzie, who plays the part of Ozzie Nelson.

And of course his lovely wife Harriet as Harriet Nelson.

- The older of the Nelson boys, David, appears as David Nelson.

His younger brother, the irrepressible Ricky,

played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelson's next door neighbor, Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

- They cannot be overestimated.

- Did you call me, dear?

- Oh, no.

I was just talking to myself.

- Oh, did you have a nice conversation?

- Well, I wasn't exactly talking to myself.

I was just trying to figure out a subject for my speech

tomorrow.

- What speech is that?

- Well, you know, the big one at the Chamber of Commerce.

Dunkle is the chairman of the committee.

- Oh, sure.

I didn't realize that was tomorrow.

- Yeah.

The big luncheon.

- You mean you haven't even picked out a subject yet?

- Well, I have a system that never fails.

It works for any kind of a speech you want to make.

- I don't want to make any, thank you.

But I must admit you've aroused my curiosity.

- Well, it's kind of an outline.

You see, you use the same beginning

regardless of what the topic is.

The beginning goes like this.

When asked what is the greatest fault of the American people,

Theodore Roosevelt replied, "It is a lack of thoroughness."

A good example of this is, and then you

see you insert your topic.

For instance, suppose you were discussing,

oh, safety on the highways.

- You'd say, when asked what is the greatest

fault of the American people, Theodore Roosevelt replied,

"It is a lack of thoroughness."

A good example of this is safety on the highways.

We can make the highways much safer.

We can prevent many accidents if we will pass one law.

Make driving illegal for women.

- Hey, wait a minute!

- You see, you get the general idea of it.

I mean, you see, if you have a good beginning

and a good ending to a speech, then you

can sort of flounder around in the middle of it

and nobody realizes it.

- Sounds logical.

How do you end it?

- Well, then you see, you work the deal around to where

you say, here is the opportunity to correct the problem

that you've been discussing.

See, that gives you a chance to work in this little joke

about opportunity.

Would you like to hear it?

- I probably have.

- Well, anyway, it's kind of an amusing little joke.

It seems that this nightwatchman was making his way

through the park and this young couple, this boy and girl,

were sitting on the park bench.

And the nightwatchman was carrying this lantern.

- A lantern?

- Well, it's a pretty old joke.

Anyway, the nightwatchman comes up to the boy and the girl

and he says, "Say young fella, are you kissing that girl?"

And the young boy is kind of scared

and he says, "No, sir, no, sir."

And the old guy says, "Well, here, son, hold my lantern."

- I didn't realize you went to high school that long ago.

- It's not a terrific joke but it puts them in a good mood.

See, and then from there you say,

and here is the opportunity to alleviate whatever

the condition is that exists and you discuss that

and then you go into the finish.

For the finish you recite that immortal poem, "Opportunity."

- "Master of human destinies, am I. Fame, love and fortune--"

- Yes, I remember.

Yeah.

- It's got a stirring finish.

I like that old poem.

"But he who hesitates or doubts is condemned

to failure, penury and woe.

Seek me in vain and uselessly implore my answer not.

And I return no more."

- It is rather overpowering.

- Yeah, it's one of those things where

even though you don't know what the guy is talking about,

it sounds pretty good.

- Well, it does have an important ring to it.

It's quite a plan.

- Yeah, and the beauty of it is, it can be

used for absolutely any topic.

- Well, I can see that.

Reminds me of a woman who spoke at our club the other day.

- Somebody say something about a speech?

- Oh, hi, boys. - Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Pop. - Hi, fellas.

- Please don't mention the word speech.

I have to make one in English class tomorrow.

- So what?

- What do you mean so what?

I'd like to see you do it.

- That's how much you know, wise guy.

So happens I'm making a very important speech.

- Now, isn't that something?

Oh, it's really nothing.

- You're not kidding.

It'll be nothing if you give it. Oh, yeah?

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah?

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

- Hey, wait a minute.

Before you guys run out of breath,

I think you should both know that you're not

the only one that's going to make a speech around here.

Your father's going to be the main speaker

at the Chamber of Commerce luncheon tomorrow afternoon.

- How about that?

- Yeah, for some reason they selected your old man.

- Are you going to make a political speech, Pop?

- Oh, well, I'm not sure.

Not necessarily.

I haven't decided yet.

- Well, I'm making a political speech.

- Oh, good for you.

- What office is your man running for?

- He's going to be our next president.

- Say, this sounds interesting.

Could we have his name?

- Sure.

Iggy Magoo.

- Iggy for president?

- Sure.

He'll be the best president our home room will ever have.

- He has to get elected first.

- He can't lose.

I'm handling the champagne.

- I think he means campaign.

- I mean champagne.

We're serving ginger ale right after the speech.

- You guys sound like you're doing this in big style.

- Oh, sure.

Just like the politicians.

We're even going around kissing all the babes.

- You mean "babies."

- Who's running this show, anyway?

- There doesn't seem to be much doubt about it.

- Our platform is no homework.

- Do you want to have a campaign slogan?

You know, like "Tippecanoe and Tyler, too"?

- Oh, we have all that stuff.

- What's your slogan?

- "Iggy Magoo and Loverboy, too."

- Loverboy?

Who's Loverboy?

- Please, no embarrassing questions.

- Well, I must admit that confidence

seems to run in the family.

Your father hasn't even decided on a subject for his speech

tomorrow.

- Aren't you nervous, Pop?

- Oh, not especially, David.

I'm not too worried about it.

- How come?

- Well, I've got a little gimmick that makes it easy.

- You mean you give away stuff?

- No, no.

Nothing like that.

So, I was just telling your mother before,

back in high school our English teacher

taught us sort of an outline that works for just about

any speech you want to make.

- Is it hard to learn?

- No.

In fact, it's very easy.

You see, you begin every speech the same way.

When asked what is the greatest fault of the American people,

Theodore Roosevelt replied, "It is a lack of thoroughness."

A good example of this is traffic accidents

on the highway.

- Look out, now.

- Or whatever subject you may choose.

- That sounds neat, Pop.

- Then you finally work the conversation

around to "Opportunity," then you tell a little joke.

- How do you work it around to "Opportunity"?

- Well, you do it very subtly of course.

For instance, you could say, "And speaking of opportunity,"

and then you go on to say that this is the opportunity

to correct whatever situation you're discussing.

- That sounds neat, Pop.

- Anyway, and then you say, "And what is opportunity?

Master of human destinies am I."

- That's fine, dear.

- It's a very final poem.

It has a wonderfully strong finish, too.

"Seek me in vain and uselessly implore, I answer not

and I return no more."

- Vote for Iggy Magoo!

- When asked what is the greatest

fault of the American people--

When asked what is the greatest fault of the American people--

When asked what is the greatest fault of the American people--

- Hi, Oz.

- Oh, hi, Thorny.

- Hey, what's this I hear about you're going to make a speech?

- Oh, it's really nothing.

Just going to give a little talk over

at the Chamber of Commerce.

You know that big special luncheon they're having?

- Yeah.

- I'm going to be the chief speaker.

- Oh, that's a shame.

Can't you get out of it?

- What do you mean get out of it?

Well, you know, you can tell them something.

Tell them you lost your voice.

- Oh, no, Thorny.

I want to make the speech.

- You want to make it?

- Well, of course.

- Well, in that case tell them the truth.

Tell them you snapped your cap.

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, Oz, now, you're not really serious about this thing.

- Well, I am, too.

- OK, Oz, suit yourself.

But you couldn't get me to stand up in front

of that bunch for $1 million.

I've seen some pretty big men lay some awfully big eggs

at those lunches.

- Oh, Thorny, don't be silly.

- OK, Oz.

But when you're up there shaking like a leaf,

don't say I didn't warn you.

- There's nothing to be nervous about, Thorny.

They're all good friends.

- Uh-huh.

Well, Herb Dunkle didn't look nervous either

until he poured himself a glass of water

then almost drowned himself trying

to drink out of the pitcher.

- Well, you must admit it was good for a big laugh.

- Remember the day Joe Randolph made the speech?

- Yeah.

- His knees were knocking so loud I got up 3 times

to answer the door.

Oh, believe me, Oz, if I were you I'd try to duck this thing.

- Well, what about the guy last week?

He was very well received from what they tell me.

- Well, sure.

As a matter of fact, he was terrific.

Weren't you there? - No, no.

I couldn't make it.

- Oh, sure, but he was a professional speaker.

Had a regular set routine and everything,

which is another thing.

He's going to be pretty tough to follow.

- Oh, well, what you don't know, Thorny,

is I have sort of a set formula myself.

It's been good for years.

Really surefire.

- Yeah?

What's that?

- Well, it's a set introduction that

can be used for any occasion.

"When asked what is the greatest fault of the American people,

Theodore Roosevelt replied--"

- Theodore Roosevelt?!

- "Theodore Roosevelt replied."

- Oh, Theodore Roosevelt was a great guy in his time

but this group is modern, up to date.

- Thorny, I told you before, I've used this routine

successfully for many years.

- Oh, please, you're going to be speaking to intelligent people.

You can't use some corny high school routine.

- Oh, it's corny, now, is it?

- Oh, now wait a minute, Oz.

Don't get excited.

I'm only trying to tell you this for your own good.

- Well, please don't trouble yourself.

I'm sorry I mentioned it.

- You're just jealous because you weren't

selected as the main speaker.

- Oh, sure, that's it exactly.

- Well, you know darn well I'll go down there

and I'll put on a great show for them.

- I'm sure you'll put on a great show.

- I'm not the type of guy who quits on a thing like this.

I'll make a good speech if it kills me.

- I'm sure it will.

And, Oz, I couldn't think of a more horrible way to die.

- I think I've said about enough for now.

But if I think of anything else I'll give you a call.

- Don't bother.

I might not be home.

- Now, wait a minute.

- Yeah.

- There is one more thing before I leave.

- Such as what?

- Good luck, Oz.

My blessings go with you.

- Ozzie and Harriet will be back in just a moment.

- Last night, while the town slept,

there was no sleep for Ozzie Nelson.

From the early evening hours to the early morning hours,

he worked feverishly on his speech for the Chamber

of Commerce luncheon.

- Time slips quickly by as Ozzie sits in the den

writing and rewriting.

- Mr. Chairman and friends.

- The clock strikes one.

But Ozzie is going to write that speech

if it takes him all night.

- Mr. Chairman and fellow citizens.

- 2 o'clock.

A lesser man would have given up long ago.

But not Ozzie Nelson.

He moves into the dining room and tries again.

- Gentlemen of the Chamber of Commerce.

- And yes, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

And so at 4:30, Ozzie, fatigued from his gallant efforts,

gropes his way upstairs and after some tossing and turning

finally falls into a troubled sleep.

- When asked, what is the greatest

fault of the American people, Theodore Roosevelt

replied, "Here, you hold the lantern."

- Good morning. - Hi, Pop.

- Good morning, Dear. How do you feel?

- Well, considering the fact that I only

had about four hours sleep, I feel pretty bad.

- I think a little breakfast will help that.

- Is your speech all set yet, Pop?

- Well, pretty nearly, David.

Not exactly all set but I have some ideas pretty well

lined up.

- I think I have a pretty good speech for school today.

- Oh, that's good.

Say, would you like me to look it over for you and--

No, never mind.

I guess there's nothing there I could copy anyway.

- I got a couple of jokes you can tell, Pop.

- Pop's already got a joke to tell.

- He could tell another one can't he?

- What is it?

- It's in the form of a question.

- Did you hear what the skunk said when the wind changed?

- It all comes back to me now.

- OK.

OK fine.

- That's an original joke.

- Have you got your speech you all set, dear?

- Well, as I was saying to David,

it's not exactly set, Harriet, but I have my ideas pretty well

formulated.

- Well, how about that outline your high school

teacher taught you?

That sounded pretty good to me.

- Well, I've been thinking that over,

Harriet, and after all these are pretty intelligent men I'm

going to be talking to today and I'm not sure

that a corny old high school routine like that

would be very effective.

- Well, it sounded good to me.

- I thought of a couple of good beginnings last night.

There was one of them just before I fell asleep.

Gentlemen, we are here today--

We are here today--

- And gone tomorrow.

- Gentlemen, I am here today--

- To get a free lunch.

- Stop interrupting your father.

- I don't know, dear.

Do you think you ought to tackle this?

- Well, sure, Harriet.

I mean, this thing takes a little time,

but it's worthwhile.

I'll get my ideas all straightened out

in just a minute.

What was that other beginning I had?

Gentlemen, I am here today to make a speech on why people

should never make speeches.

- Gentlemen, I know you're wondering why I'm here today.

- Come in.

- Hello, Oz.

- Oh, hi, Dunk.

Say, you're a little early, aren't you?

The luncheon doesn't start until 12:30.

- I-- - Sit down.

- Thank you.

I want to speak to you about the luncheon, Oz.

Oh, dear, this is terribly embarrassing, too.

- What's embarrassing?

- Well, I'm sure you've heard of Lieutenant Colonel Rex

Farnsworthy.

- Well, I believe so.

He's in the Army, isn't he?

- Yes, that's the fellow.

Anyway, he's passing through town today

on his way to Washington, just returned

from a very hush-hush mission overseas.

You know, top military secret stuff.

He's written a book all about it.

- He sounds like a very important man.

- Oh, yes, he is.

You can imagine what a busy man he must be, too.

And you can also imagine what an honor

it would be to get a person like Colonel Farnsworthy

to speak at the luncheon.

- Oh, yes, of course.

- Well, we got him.

- But I thought you said he'd just be in town for today.

- That's right, Oz.

We thought that since the Colonel would only

be in town today and since you live here all year--

- Oh, you mean you'd like to cancel my speech?

- Oh, certainly not, Oz.

- Oh, then you mean you don't want to cancel my speech.

- Well, yes, we are but we won't like it.

I really feel dreadful about this, Oz.

- Oh, that's OK, Dunk.

- You don't mind?

- Oh, no, no, no.

It's perfectly all right.

- Well, whatever you say, Oz.

I want to apologize again for this last minute cancellation.

- Oh, forget about it, Dunk.

After all, I'm sure you'll find the Colonel much more

interesting.

- Well, this is very sporting of you, Oz.

I just want to say you've been bully about this.

- Oh, thanks, Dunk.

- Oh, you've been more than just bully.

You've been bully, bully, bully.

Bully of your own bully bully and a bully wide.

- Ozzie?

Ozzie?

Dinner's almost ready.

- Dinner?

For goodness sake.

I thought I'd lie down here and rest my eyes for a few minutes.

I must have slept most of the afternoon.

- Well, I thought I'd better wake you up before dinner.

Besides, I wanted to tell you about the meeting.

- Meeting? What meeting?

- The meeting at the woman's club.

- Oh, Oh yes.

How did it work out?

- It couldn't have been better.

Now ask me what they decided about the playground.

- OK, what did they decide about the playground?

- They're all for it.

But it took a short impromptu speech by Mrs. Ozzie Nelson

to turn the tide.

- Wait a minute.

You made a speech?

- Yes, I did.

And if I do say so myself, it went over very well.

- Well, good for you.

- How about your speech?

- Oh, never mind mine.

Tell me more about yours.

- Well, I began it like this.

When asked what is the greatest fault of the American people,

Theodore Roosevelt replied--

- You mean you gave my speech?

- Yes, I did. Most of it.

I hope you don't mind.

- No, no, of course not.

I'm glad it went over so well.

- Might be pretty embarrassing if any of the women

are married to members of the Chamber of Commerce.

- Well, I wouldn't worry about that.

- Hi, Mom. Hi, Pop.

- Hello, David.

How did your speech go in school?

- Oh, swell.

The teacher said it was one of the best she'd ever heard.

- Why that's wonderful, David! - Oh, good.

- The joke about the lantern really got a big laugh.

- Oh, you used my joke.

- Heck, I used practically your whole speech.

- Hi, everybody.

- Oh, hi.

- Wait until you hear what happened.

Iggy Magoo won by a humana--

He won by a unana--

He got all the votes.

- Well, good for him.

- Well, that's wonderful, dear.

Did you make a good campaign speech?

- I sure did, boy.

When asked what is the greatest fault of the American people,

Theodore Roosevelt said, "Iggy Magoo for president."

- That isn't what Theodore Roosevelt said.

- So what?

Nobody in our class knew him.

- That routine of mine got quite a workout today.

Your mother used it and David used it.

- He did?

- Yes.

Very successfully, I understand.

- Hey, what's the idea of using my speech, David?

- Your speech?

It's Pop's speech.

- Say, we all seem to have forgotten about your father.

- Yeah, how did you do, Pop?

- I bet you did terrific, boy.

- I'll bet he did, too.

- Oh, well, to tell the truth I didn't have to give my speech.

- Why not?

- Well, Dunk stopped by and explained the whole thing.

It seemed the committee decided they'd rather

have Colonel give a speech.

Heck, he wasn't even a Colonel, just a Lieutenant Colonel.

- Well, I think that's awful.

Do they know that you stayed up half the night

preparing that speech?

- No.

Well, after all, Harriet, it's probably just as well.

Frankly, I'm just as glad they didn't call me.

I was a little relieved to get out of it.

Oh, come to think of it I was worked up

to just the proper pitch.

- Well, I think it's a shame.

Well, dinner is just about ready.

Will you boys set the table for me?

- Sure, Mom. - Yes, ma'am.

- And I'll help, too.

- You know, relax, dear.

I'll call you when dinner's on the table.

- OK.

- Come on in, Thorny.

- Hi, Harriet.

Hi, Oz.

- Oh, hi, Thorny old boy.

- Oz old pal, I want to ask a favor of you.

- Anything except money.

- I know it's an imposition to ask you to make

two speeches in one day.

- What's this, Thorny? You want me to make a speech?

- Well, now look, Oz, if it's going

to work any hardships on you I don't want you to do it.

- Oh, no, no, I'd be happy to, Thorny.

- Oh, Oz, that's wonderful of you.

Ordinarily I wouldn't bother with this

but it's such a big occasion.

You see, it's a dinner speech.

- Now, wait a minute.

I think I've read about that in the paper.

It's a banquet at the Elks Club, isn't it?

- No. No, no.

That's another affair.

- Oh, I know.

No, it's that big wing ding their

having over the Men's club.

Oh, who's chairman of the committee?

Oz, let me explain it to you will you?

- Well, go ahead.

- Now first, you know Charlie McGillicuddy.

- Charlie...

Oh that's right.

His son is graduating from college at the midterm.

Say, Thorny, don't tell me they want me to make the main speech

at the graduation exercises.

- No, no, no, Oz.

Will you listen a moment?

- OK, go ahead.

- Now, I'm sure you've eaten at Charlie's diner.

- Well, certainly.

I've been there lots of times.

- Well, this is a big night in Charlie's life.

He just added three more stools at the counter and a booth

for ladies.

Tonight at 10 o'clock is his grand opening.

- You mean this speech is supposed

to be given in Charlie's diner?

- That's right.

And there will be free hamburgers in it

for both of us.

- I thought you said this is supposed to be a dinner speech.

- Of course!

A lot of people will be eating dinner.

After all, it is a dimer.

- I know, Thorny, but this is ridiculous.

- Oh now, Oz, I promised Charlie you'd make the speech.

- Well, you can just tell Charlie that--

I mean, of all the silly things, Thorny.

After all, making a speech--

When asked what is the greatest fault of the American people,

Theodore Roosevelt replied, "It is a lack of thoroughness."

Although at first blush it may seem

to belie the dictum of this famous statesman,

nevertheless our own Charlie McGillicuddy

has left no stone unturned, has seized every opportunity

to make this delightful little establishment

the finest in our community.

- And speaking of opportunity reminds me

of a little story you might enjoy.

It seems a night watchman was going through the park.

- Ozzie and Harriet will be back in just a moment.

- My speech went off OK?

- I think it was wonderful.

- Oh, gee, thanks.

- Oh, I'll get it.

Hello?

Yes, it is.

Oh, you did?

- Who's that?

- I thing some fella who was at the diner tonight.

Oh, thank you very much.

Next Saturday afternoon?

Sure. Yes.

Sure I can make it. Be glad to.

Sure.

OK.

Goodbye.

- What was that all about?

- He's the man who owns the Tidy Didy Laundry.

- Oh?

- Yeah, it seems that they're adding three new washtubs

Saturday and he wants me to officiate at the launching.

- Next week, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

will be brought to you by Prophylactic toothbrushes,

Listerine toothpaste and Listerine, the most widely

used antiseptic in the world.

- Joseph Kerns played the part of Mr. Dunkle.

- Don't forget that a completely different episode

of "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

is heard every Friday night on radio.

Consult your newspaper for time and radio station.