Original subtitles

- Listerine Antiseptic, Listerine Toothpaste,

and Prophylactic Toothbrushes present

America's favorite family comedy,

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

starring the entire Nelson family.

Here is Ozzie, who plays the part of Ozzie Nelson.

And of course, his lovely wife Harriet as Harriet Nelson.

The older of the Nelson boys, David, appears as David Nelson.

And his younger brother, the irrepressible Ricky,

played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelson's next-door neighbor Thorny is played by Don DeFore.

- Man is a confused animal.

- What did you say?

- Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

I didn't notice you walk in.

- The book salesman finally go?

- Yes, he did.

A very nice young fella, too, Harriet.

Very alert, very aware.

- Alert to what?

- To the dangers of our modern living.

Man is a confused animal, just doesn't

know how to live anymore.

- How about women?

- Oh, the same thing.

We rush through life helter skelter, missing half

of the important things.

You take me, for instance.

We have hundreds of fine books around the house here,

I don't even know the titles of half of them.

Just picked up this little booklet here

looks mighty interesting.

"The Romance of Dirt."

Where did we get this?

Came with the vacuum cleaner.

- You see, it's different now than it was in the old days.

In the old days, people used to take time out to,

to reflect a little bit.

They'd get out under a big tree and browse and commune

with nature and think things over.

Nowadays, Man has lost his intellectual curiosity.

It's just as I said, before, man is a confused animal.

- I thought the book salesman said that.

- Well, yes, but I'm afraid it's very true, Harriet.

You take even in, in reading, for instance.

The, the kids nowadays, what chance

do they get to become acquainted with really good literature?

I mean, they spend their time reading comic books.

They look at television.

They watch moving pictures.

They listen to, to, to radio.

It's no wonder they're confused.

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Mom.

- Oh, well, hello, boys.

- How was the picture?

- Oh, swell.

- Yeah, especially, when the old man gets stabbed.

- How about when the mother drinks the poison?

- There's this pretty girl in it, but she goes crazy.

- Oh, that's great.

- It was because her father got murdered.

- But can't you pick out something not quite so--

I mean, a picture like that.

I mean, it's such bloodthirsty junk.

Golly, the trash they write nowadays.

- What was the name of the picture?

- "Hamlet."

Well, as I said, I have no objection

to you're going to the movies but I,

I just don't want you to lose sight of the fact

that we have some wonderful stories right here at home

that you guys can read.

A lot of fine books.

Harriet, just pick out any book at random.

I want to read a passage to Ricky

and show them what I mean.

Just any book at all, the--

Thank you.

"Always empty dust bag after using."

- Hi, Thorny.

- Oh, hi, Oz.

- Where you been keeping yourself all day?

- Oh, just browsing through a few books.

You know what, Oz, we should do more of this these days.

- Oh, you're so right, Thorny.

It's a dangerous age we're living in, not

like the old days.

- You know, man had more intellectual curiosity

in those days.

He, he learned things for himself.

But gee, nowadays, why he's a, a confused animal.

- Evidently he stopped by your house, too, huh?

- Yeah.

- You know, there's an awful lot of truth in what this guy says,

Thorny.

I mean, after all, it is a dangerous age we're living in,

especially for the kids.

I mean, they don't have the advantage

of the good, solid, old-fashioned literature

that we used to have.

- Boy, Oz, you're right as rain.

- "Moby Dick."

"Ivanhoe."

"Lady of the Lake."

The poems of Keats, Shelley, Byron.

- Delightful.

- And nowadays, the kids have comic books.

They have television.

They have radio, all those things

to keep their minds off the good, solid, old-fashioned

stuff.

I remember when I was a kid, I used

to lie in bed with that flashlight under the blanket.

Oh, the hours I spent reading "Treasure Island."

- Oh, really, Oz?

Gee, that was my favorite book.

- No kidding.

- Yeah, "The Rover Boys of Treasure Island"

- I'm talking about the old classic, Robert Louis

Stevenson's "Treasure Island."

- Oh.

- Besides, the Rover Boys never went to Treasure Island.

- Well now, wait a minute, Oz.

You're wrong there.

The father got lost there, remember?

He was looking for the treasure and a--

- No, no, no, no, Thorny, I've read every Rover Boy book.

You've got it confused with Africa.

Don't you remember?

And besides, it wasn't the father.

It was Uncle Randolph.

And don't you remember?

The old sea captain had this mysterious map--

- Oh, wait a minute, Oz.

You're getting all mixed up.

Uncle Randolph was back in New York state

putting the squeeze on Josiah Crabtree

after the squabble about Sam Baxter.

- Sam Baxter?

It was Dan Baxter, the son of Arnold Baxter

the town scoundrel.

- OK, same thing.

What's the difference?

Anyway, it was Arnold who gummed up the Treasure Island

expedition.

- Thorny, it wasn't Treasure Island, it was Africa.

And besides, Arnold happened to be in jail at the time.

- Jail?!

- Now, listen to me, will you.

He was doing a six-month stretch because he tried to boil Dick

the fun loving Rover in hot tar.

It's one of my favorite chapters.

- Fun Loving Dick?

Oh, Oz, now that goes to show you how much you know about it.

Sam was a fun loving Rover.

Dick was the other Rover, engaged to the widow Stanhope's

beautiful daughter Dora.

- Well, you may be right there.

But the Rover boys never went to Treasure Island.

You've got it confused with their expedition to Africa.

- Treasure Island.

- Africa.

- Treasure Island.

- Africa

Treasure Island

- Rather cramped quarters here.

Pardon me.

Sorry, once again.

I beg your pardon, sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's the last time I'll be coming through here.

Harriet, here's the juvenile section, right here.

- I wonder if they've got the Rover Boys books?

- Yes, I know they have.

I phoned the librarian, under an assumed name, of course.

"Rover Boys on Land and Sea," "Rover

Boys in Mexico," "The Rover Boys at Treasure Island."

- Where?!

If you see "The Rover Boys in Africa," let me know.

Gee, should have something to stand on around here.

This ought to do it.

Now, here it is.

- Give it to me.

I'll have the librarian check it out.

- OK.

Meanwhile, I'll take back this 250-pound encyclopedia

whatever it is.

- Oh, Hello there, Mr Nelson.

- Oh, that-- you're, uh, David's English teacher aren't you?

Mrs uh--

- Yes, Mrs. Fraser.

- Mrs. Fraser, how are you?

- Very well, thank you.

Well, this is a pleasant surprise.

It's not often that we meet one of the fathers in the library.

- Oh, oh, well, I, I had sort of a,

a literary discussion with my neighbor Mr. Thornberry.

- Oh, about Sir Henry Parkinson?

- I beg your pardon?

- His "History of the Peloponnesian Wars."

The book you have there.

- Oh, Oh, no, no, no, no, not uh

- Oh, you're just like all the others.

- Am I?

- You're a little bit ashamed of yourself, aren't you?

- Well.

- Well, now why should you be?

- Well, no, no, I don't think you understand.

- I think if you have an honest intellectual curiosity,

you should be proud of it, not ashamed.

Now, you're obviously interested in Greek history.

Why not admit it?

- Oh, well, yes, naturally, everybody's

interested in Greek history.

But, but actually, you see, I just

came down to do a little research.

Mr Thornberry--

- Of course, you wanted to brush up a little.

- Yes.

- Well, I, I must admit I'm a little

rusty on the Peloponnesian Wars, myself.

- Oh yeah, that's understandable.

- How long since you've read it?

- It's been quite a while.

- I bet you haven't opened it since college.

- Oh, well, maybe even longer than that.

- What's amazing is you still have the interest.

You know that's what true intellectual curiosity gives

us, Mr Nelson, the hungry mind.

- Oh, oh, sure.

- I made arrangements.

- Hello, Mrs. Nelson, how are you?

I was just complimenting your husband

on his intellectual curiosity.

- Oh, yes, thanks, uh, Harriet-- Pardon me, Miss Fraser,

if we hurry along.

We have a few errands to do.

- Do you want take your book?

- Oh, well, I, yes, but this is the book,

mainly, I'd like to have.

This is the, uh, you know, the, the Peloponnesian Wars

is by Sir Henry Parkerhouse.

- Uh, Parkinson.

- Well, I'm uh--

I'll go along first, Harriet.

I want to get the car out of the Parker House.

Goodbye, Mr. Nelson.

Goodbye, Mrs. Nelson.

- Goodbye, Miss Fraser.

There's no doubt about it, man is a confused animal.

- Listen to this, Harriet.

"The causes of the Peloponnesian Wars

are understandably complex in that Potidaea,

a Dorian town on the western promontory of Thrace,

was induced to revolt with the support of the Macedonian King

Perdiccas, formerly an Athenian ally."

- Imagine that.

- Yeah.

- What does it mean?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

Whoa!

- Where did you get that big book, Pop?

- Oh, I got at the public library.

It's a book on Greek history.

- That's the biggest book I've ever seen.

- Well, it takes in a lot of territory.

You see, it tells all about the Peloponnesian Wars.

- Must've been some fight, boy.

- Well, it also covers a lot of the history of the times.

- When are you going to start reading it, Dad?

- Well, there's no particular hurry.

It's a 120-day book.

Hello?

- Mr. Nelson?

- Yes.

- This is Miss Fraser.

- Oh, hello, Miss Fraser.

What's on your mind?

- Well, we've scheduled a PTA discussion tomorrow night

at the school on proper books for schoolchildren.

We thought you might like to appear on the panel with us.

- Oh, well, I'd, I'd be delighted to, Miss Fraser.

- Oh, good.

I, uh, I was a little afraid, of course,

that you might find the subject sort of elementary.

- Well, of course, it's not my specialty, exactly,

like Sir Henry.

- Oh, yes, I know.

- That's why we had the subject changed.

- What's that?

- We're going to discuss the Peloponnesian Wars.

- I don't think I got that quite clearly.

- I said, we're going to discuss the Peloponnesian Wars.

When I told the committee that you were especially interested

in Greek history, they simply wouldn't hear of anything else.

- Well, Miss Fraser, this might be a good time

to let you in on a little sort of a joke.

Oh, now, Mr. Nelson,

you can't get out of it.

We're depending on you.

With your vast knowledge of the subject,

it's going to be an exciting evening.

- Oh, especially when you throw me out of the auditorium.

- We won't feel too bad if you outshine us.

- No, no, no, you don't understand.

- I understand that modesty must be overcome by firmness.

We'll expect you at the school tomorrow night at 8:30.

Goodbye, Mr. Nelson.

- Did it but--

- What's the matter, dear?

You look like you've been hit by a rock.

- Pardon me.

- Where are you going?

- I think I'll go up to my room and, and have a good cry.

- Ozzie and Harriet will be back in just a moment.

- How you doing?

- Oh, uh, not too bad.

It goes a little slowly at first,

but then after you get warmed up to it, it speeds right along.

You know it's funny more people aren't

interested in this sort of thing.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I noticed the last time this book was borrowed

was December 10th, 1910.

What page are you on?

- Uh, page eight.

- You've only reached page eight?

But tomorrow night is the discussion.

- How you doing, Dad?

- Oh, pretty good, David.

I'm on page eight.

- Gee, you sure are a fast reader, Pop.

- Well, there's a lot of meat in this stuff when you

get to the interesting part.

Here, listen to this, reads almost like modern fiction.

- "After Herodotus had resided for some seven or eight years

in Salamis, events occurred in his native city which

induced him to return thither.

The tyranny of Lygdamis had gone from bad to worse,

and at last he was expelled."

You know now stuff like that, you just

can't put the book down.

- Heck, I can't even pick it up.

- Still, wonderful reading.

Listen to this.

"The city of Epidamnus stands at the right of the entrance

of the Ionic Gulf."

I'll get it, Mom.

- I'll go with you.

- Harriet, where are you going?

- Hey, wait for me!

- Now, Ricky, come here a second!

- Heck, I don't want to hear anymore either, Pop.

- Now, it won't hurt you to listen to some of this.

"12 miles away, was the colony of Corcyra,

founded by Phalious, son of Eraticlites,

who had been summoned for the purpose from the mother

country."

- Pop?

- Yes.

- Don't you think it's about time for me to go to bed?

- If you'd just listen carefully,

you might find this very interesting.

- Careful, out of the way, Ricky.

- What the heck is that, Harriet?

- The man from the library just brought that in a Jeep.

- What is it?

- "The History of the Peloponnesian Wars"

by Sir Henry Parkinson.

- But that's the book I've got right here.

- No, dear, you've got volume one.

This is volume two.

- Oh, well, hey, you shouldn't have

carried that big heavy book all by yourself.

You should have let David help you.

- David?

He's got his hands full with volumes three and four.

- How are you doing?

- Oh, pretty well, thanks.

- Good, you're up to page 27 already.

- Uhh, yeah.

I, I got kind of a break, though.

I just ran into 15 pages of maps.

Ooof!

"So the Spartans sent to Athens no formal declaration of war

but rather sought to create some specious casus belli."

Uhh, Harriet, would you mind answering the doorbellly,

please?

"Tending to inflame the existing hostilities

against Pericles and Athens, by implicating him in the curse

pronounced--

- Hi, Thorny.

- Harriet, Dr. Thornberry, please.

- Ozzie, it's Thorny.

- Where's my colleague, my fellow scholar?

- I'm here in the dining room, Thorny.

- Greetings, professor.

- What are you doing over here this hour of the night?

- Never let it be said Thornberry

didn't come prepared.

We got to bone up, Oz, burn the midnight oil.

- Well, what do you got here?

- What have I got here?

Well, that's a fine question to ask after you roped me

in on the discussion.

I cleaned the entire shelf of the library, Oz,

all eight copies.

- Eight copies of what?

- Well, the Rover Boys.

- The Rover Boys?

- Sure, Miss Fraser called me and asked

if I'd like to join in.

- Well, you mean to say the discussion

is about the Rover Boys?

Harriet, for goodness sake's, here I

am studying this whole big Pelepen--

- Thorny, do you remember exactly what Miss Fraser

said to you on the phone?

- Why, certainly.

She said Oz was conducting a discussion on the Rover Boys

and would I like--

- She said Rover Boys?

- Well, maybe she didn't exactly say Rover Boys but she said,

"the book I was discussing with Mr. Nelson this afternoon."

Now, what else could it be?

- Thorny, sit down for a moment.

- What's the matter?

- You tell him, Dear.

I'll make some fresh coffee.

- Thorny, my fine, old, gray-headed friend--

- I don't have gray hairs.

- You will.

What do you know about the Peloponnesian Wars?

- I have the layman's knowledge: absolutely nothing.

What's this got to do with the Rover Boys?

- Uhh, Thorny, hold on to your hat.

The discussion tomorrow night is about the Peloponnesian Wars.

- Oh, now, wait a minute, Oz.

How can anybody say "Peloponnesian" into one phone

and have it come out the other phone "The Rover Boys"?

- Relax, will you?

You're getting panicky.

Now, all we have to do is just read through these four

delightful volumes.

So just lean back, take your coat off,

and let's get to work.

The eye drops are right over there on the buffet.

- "They are coming to inflame the existing hostilities

against Pericles and Athens by implicating him

in the curse pronounced on the murders of Cyclon.

- Uhh, what have you got on Kallikrates?

- Here, we are.

Hmm-mm.

Born in volume two, died in Volume four.

- And took another road into the Plains of Argus.

Oz, that's absolutely right.

How do you like that? - How you doing, fellas?

- Oh, Hi, Harriet.

- Ask us anything reasonable about the Peloponnesian Wars

and we'll give you an answer just like that.

- Any reasonable question.

Go ahead, ask us one.

- OK, who won?

- That's not a reasonable question.

- Now, now, wait a minute. She's got a good point there.

We'd better look it up.

They might hit us with that tomorrow night.

- Wait a minute.

Would you too stand by for an important announcement?

- Such as what?

- Oh, Miss Fraser phoned.

The discussion has been called off.

- What?

- Oh, what a disappointment!

- Oh.

- Sad enough I could talk you into going to the movies?

- Mm-hmm, do you want to go to the movies, Thorny.

- Oh, now look, Oz, think of what you're doing.

If we left this room, we'd be deserters.

Where's your intellectual curiosity?

- You don't want to go to the show?

- Why, of course not.

I happen to love literature.

I have no desire to go to the bijou tonight.

- Very good picture, Thorny.

- I know, I've seen it.

Look at all this wonderful reading material.

You mean to tell me you can leave this?

Think of all the adventure that lies between these covers.

- Harriet, Thorny is absolutely right.

My intellectual curiosity and my thirst for good literature

far surpasses my desire to go to the movies.

- Are you serious?

- Well, of course, I am.

Shall we begin?

- All righty, there you are, Oz.

- Fine, suppose you take "The Rover Boys on Land and Sea"

and I'll read "The Rover Boys on Treasure Island."

- Honey, are you just coming to bed?

- I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to wake you.

Go back to sleep, dear.

- What time is it?

- No, it's pretty late.

Darn Thorny, I couldn't get him to go home.

- Oh, look at the clock.

It's a quarter to five.

- Darn clock with a luminous face.

- The idea of reading The Rover Boys until almost 5:00

in the morning.

- It wasn't my fault. I wanted to quit at four o'clock

but Thorny's such a kid.

Oh, we settled the argument as to which

one is the fun loving Rover.

- Well, please tell me, so I can go to sleep with a clear mind.

- Well, see, Thorny said, "Sam."

And I said, "Dick."

And Thorny was wrong.

It was "Tom."

Hello.

- Hi, Oz.

- Thorny, what do you want?

- Well, I'm having a little trouble.

Will you put Harriet on?

I want her to explain something to Catherine.

- Well, what's the matter?

- No, I don't know, Oz.

I keep telling her over and over but somehow, she just

won't believe I was up all night with The Rover Boys.

- Ozzie and Harriet will be back in just a moment.

- Oh, Harriet, look what just arrived by special messenger:

"The Story of Aristotle."

- Well, nice.

- And look at the card that came with it.

- "Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Miss Fraser."

- Yeah, where did she get the idea I was sick?

- I can't imagine.

- Well, another thing that I just happened to think of,

I don't remember hearing the phone ring

when she called last night.

- Did you hear any dialing?

- No.

- That's good.

- Now, now, wait a minute.

Harriet, did you by any chance phone Miss Fraser

last night and tell her I was sick?

- Well, I had to do something.

Your intellectual curiosity wouldn't

have let you stop with the Peloponnesian Wars

you'd have just gone on and on, and pretty soon

you'd have been so smart I couldn't be happy with you.

- Just what do you mean by that?

- Oh, there's some things I like to do.

If you grow any smarter than you already are,

I won't be able to do those things.

- What kind of things?

- Oh, little things, like making phone

calls and not having you catch you on until the next day.

- An old fashioned girl and her toothbrush.

Sweetheart, toothbrushes have changed!

Today, no other brush combines quality by Prophylactic

and the modern features of the new Pro 59.

More bristles, thinner bristles three times more

than old-style brushes.

More thorough cleaning on teeth and deep inside tooth crevices,

more gentle.

Pro 59 bristles are ideal for massaging gums.

Don't get the old.

Get the new.

The only toothbrush with these modern features and quality

by Prophylactic, the new Pro 59.

Other styles at all counters.

Buy Prophylactic.

- Next week, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

starring the entire Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky--

Will be brought to you by Hotpoint Quality Appliances.

Remember, look to Hotpoint for the finest, first.

- Miss Fraser was played by Paula Winslow.