Original subtitles

Hotpoint Quality Appliances presents

America's favorite family comedy,

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family.

Here is Ozzie, who plays the part of Ozzie Nelson.

And, of course, his lovely wife Harriet as Harriet Nelson.

The older of the Nelson boys, David, appears as David Nelson.

And his younger brother, the irrepressible Ricky,

played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelson's next door neighbor, Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

- Well, good morning, everybody. I'm sorry I'm so late.

- Hiya, Pop. - Hiya, Pop.

- Thought you weren't going to make it.

- Well, it's such a beautiful day, I had to get out of bed.

Any breakfast left?

- Well, I think so.

I'll get you coffee.

There's some toast right there on the--

Well, now that's funny.

There was a whole plate of toast there

and a whole dish of strawberry jam, too.

Where'd that disappeared to?

- May I be excused, Mom?

I'm full.

- I think you'd better stay right there

and drink your milk.

- That's OK.

All I want is a cup of coffee and the newspaper,

if I can find it.

- Oh, it's over there on that table, Pop.

- Oh.

For goodness sakes, David, can't you fold the paper up neatly

when you finish reading instead of crumbling it up like this?

- I haven't even seen it, Pop.

- Well, Ricky, then.

- I haven't seen it either.

- Well, it didn't get messed this way all by itself.

- Well, as long as I'm the only one left,

I might as well plead guilty, I guess.

- Uh, Harriet, when you finished crumbling this paper,

do you know what you did with page one?

- Well, that's funny, it was right there.

Oh, you didn't miss anything anyway,

there was nothing interesting.

- You don't happen to recall what you did with the sports

section, do you?

- Oh, it's over there under the coffee pot.

Here, I'll get it for you. - No, no.

That's OK.

I've got enough here.

- Read Pop that article you read to me, Mom.

- What article was that?

- You know, the funny one.

- Oh, yes.

- What was that?

- Oh, it was just some silly article about a woman named

Mrs. Strudlemeyer.

She's divorcing her husband.

I can't say I blame her, though.

- What's the matter?

Didn't he tell her his name was Strudlemeyer

before she married him?

- Oh, that's not the reason she's divorcing him,

as if you didn't know.

It seems that every night when he came home from work,

he'd spend all his time playing a tuba.

- Playing a tube of what, Mom?

- No, a tuba, a musical instrument.

- As if you didn't know.

- Well, maybe he didn't, David.

- You know, those great big horns

they have way in the back of the band.

- Yeah, we saw them in the parade.

You know. - Oh, yeah, they're neat.

I threw popcorn down it, and the guy got mad.

- He didn't get mad.

- He got red in the face.

- He got red in the face from blowing the tuba.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

- Hey, what's the matter with you guys lately?

You can't even discuss anything without getting

into a big argument about it.

You guys are both about as unreasonable as this Mrs.

Stooglemeyer, or whatever her name is.

- No, dear, Mr. Strudlemeyer.

He's the one who played the tuba.

- Well, yes, I know, but I still say she's

the one who's unreasonable.

Poor guy can't even play a musical instrument

in his own home.

- Well, read on further down.

The only piece he could play was the bass part of "The Stars

and Stripes Forever."

- She won't let him play it.

She's not only unreasonable, she's unpatriotic besides.

- Well, seems to me that he's the one who's unreasonable.

She spends the whole day cooking and cleaning,

so naturally after dinner, she'd like a little conversation.

And what does she get?

"The Stars and Stripes Forever."

Not only that, he makes her stand up and salute.

- Only on the Fourth of July.

Besides, stop being so prejudiced.

Why do you have to stand up for her just because she's a woman?

- Well, in this particular case, I happen to think she's right.

What wife wants her husband spending all his time

playing the tuba?

- He doesn't spend all of his time playing the tuba.

Says he plays the tuba for a little while, and then he...

- Yes?

- Well, the man's tired.

He should go to bed early.

- Personally, I think she has a legitimate complaint.

- Well, she doesn't have to take such a drastic step,

though, does she?

After all, why doesn't she just hide the tube from her husband?

- How can you hide a thing like that?

Easier to hide her husband from the tuba.

- In the first place, this is the silliest thing

I ever heard of are arguing about two people we don't even

know, we've never even met.

- I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to startle an argument.

I just happened to read it and thought

you might be amused by it.

- Well, I didn't mean an argument.

We're not arguing about it, but it's a silly subject

even to discuss.

Especially at breakfast.

- Well, whatever it is, let's forget it.

- Ridiculous things.

- I agree.

It was a silly thing to discuss.

- Our English teacher says that open discussion

is the backbone of our nation.

- Well, that's true, David, if the subject is

something sensible.

I mean, just because some idiotic woman won't

allow her husband to play a tuba in his own home,

that isn't even worthy of discussion.

- Well, now how can you say she's an idiotic woman?

You don't even know her.

- Well, there's an old legal term, Harriet, "res ipsa

loquitur"--

The thing speaks for itself.

- Yes, and when it's a tuba, it speaks in very low tones.

Ricky, what are you doing?

- I'm making believe I'm playing the tuba.

- Stop it.

You look silly.

- I'll bet that Mr. Strudlemeyer sure looks silly.

- Now, wait a minute, David.

How can you sit there and make a statement like that?

You've never even seen the man.

- There's an old legal term, "raise up the locomotive."

- If you two guys are finished, why

don't you go outside and shoot some baskets or something?

- Heck, I want to stay in here and listen to the argument.

- Me, too.

- Well, in the first place, there was no argument.

And in the second place, it's all over.

- Who won?

- Ricky, stop trying to be funny.

- Heck, who's trying to be funny?

- You are, and stop it.

You've heard your father say so many times there's

no such thing as a child comedian.

- This coffee is probably stone cold by now.

- Oh, don't drink that.

I'll get you some more.

- They had some neat stuff on television last night, dad.

- Oh, yeah. Really swell.

- What was that?

- It was a wrestling match.

This one guy kept gouging this other guy's eye with his thumb

and grinding his heel in his face.

- That sounds like excellent entertainment.

- Yeah, they had the dumbest referee, too.

Everybody could see it but him.

- You don't want to take that stuff seriously, Ricky.

Was there anything else to look at?

- Oh, yeah, they had a murder story on.

- Oh, yeah, that was really good.

This man and his wife had an argument, and she poisoned him.

She put poison in his coffee.

He took one gulp and fell right over dead.

- Here's your coffee, dear.

Drink it while it's hot.

- If you don't mind, I think I'll have milk this morning.

Boy, something sure smells good.

- Well, thank you.

I'm trying out a new recipe.

- Oh!

You must be a mind reader or something.

I was just hoping you'd bake one of your delicious apple pies

for dinner.

- It's a chocolate cake.

- Oh, oh!

Fine, fine.

- What's the matter with chocolate cake?

- Oh, nothing!

I-- I-- I love your chocolate cakes.

I like them almost as well as your apple pies.

- You don't have to eat anything if you don't want to.

- Well, I just told you they're delicious.

I-- I love your chocolate cakes.

Uh, what else are we having for dinner?

- Meatloaf.

- Oh, fine.

- Would you rather have something else?

- No, that sounds like a very nice menu.

Very tasty.

Chocolate cake and, uh, pot roast.

- Meatloaf.

- What did I say?

- Pot roast.

- Oh, oh!

No, that's-- uh, what else are we having?

- Potatoes.

- Now-- now-- now, don't tell me.

Some of your marvelous mashed potatoes?

Fried potatoes?

- Baked potatoes.

- Baked potatoes!

What a coincidence!

I was just hoping you were going to say baked potatoes.

- Then why did you say mashed potatoes?

- Well-- what-- what else are we having?

- I'm not sure now if you're going to get any dinner.

- Oh, Harriet.

You wouldn't be so cruel as to deprive me

of your wonderful cooking.

Now you're beginning to smile.

Those delicious baked potatoes?

That's the smile!

And that savory meatloaf.

That's the nice big smile.

And that terrific apple pie?

That-- oh!

I-- I meant the chocolate cake.

I don't know why I said the--

No, no, honest, I did, sweetheart.

Darling?

Master?

- Ozzie, I've changed my mind.

I think I will bake a pie, a nice big custard pie.

- Well, that's very nice, but why?

- Well, all of a sudden, a custard pie

seems very appropriate.

A nice big gooey one.

- Well, I don't get it.

- You will.

"Ozzie and Harriet" will be back in just a moment.

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, dear.

- Boy, that cake sure looks good.

- Well, I just baked it.

I hope it tastes good.

Oh, David, don't leave your books on the counter.

- OK, Mom.

Just a second.

- You're growing up. Aren't you, dear?

- What do you mean?

- I just noticed these names on your notebook.

Elroy Hirsch, Norm van Brocklin, Bob Waterfield,

and Kathy Williams.

Who's Kathy Williams?

- Oh, she's a girl in school.

She's very nice, too.

She's real pretty.

In fact, I think she's about the prettiest girl in school.

- Well, I'd like to meet her.

- And so would I.

- You mean you don't know her?

- Well, not exactly.

But every time she walks past our English class,

she smiles at me.

- That's nice.

- At least I think it's me.

- Do you smile back?

- Heck, every guy in the class smiles back.

- You mean they all think she's smiling at them?

- Yeah, everyone except her brother.

He thinks we're all crazy.

- Well, if you think she's so nice,

why don't you speak to her?

- Well, we have spoken, in a way.

- Oh?

- Yeah, the other day in the cafeteria,

I happened to be standing behind her in line.

- And you spoke to her?

- She spoke to me.

She has a very nice voice.

She's a very good speaker.

- Well, what did she say?

- She dropped her spoon on my shoe and she said, "Sorry."

Wasn't that nice?

- Oh, yes, very nice.

What did you say?

- I said, "That's OK."

- Well, that was your big chance.

- I know.

I tried to think of something clever.

- Oh, and you couldn't, huh? - No.

By the time I finally thought of "that's OK,"

I had to walk clear over to her table to say it.

- Well, she sounds like a very nice girl.

- Well, she is.

A lot of girls wouldn't have apologized.

- You think not?

- Heck no.

Some girls are as bad as boys.

- And why do you say that?

- Well, they're kind of bossy.

They're always try to tell you what to do,

like Margie Peabody.

- What's the matter with her?

- She's always trying to boss you around.

- Oh, and you're like the shy type, huh?

- Oh, all boys do.

- What about Kathy Williams?

- Oh, she's not bossy at all.

She's just like you, Mom.

- Like me?

- Yeah, you know, you're always so nice to Pop.

- Well, thank you, dear.

- You never try to boss him around.

- Well, I--

David, have you been talking to your father?

- No, ma'am.

Why?

- Oh, nothing.

- Anything the matter, Mom?

- No, dear.

Why?

- You've just got a strange look on your face.

- Well, I've just made up my mind about something, David.

I'm going to bake a nice big apple pie for dinner.

- Hi, Oz.

- Oh, hiya, Thorny.

- Nice day, huh?

- Yeah, very pleasant.

- Well, I say it's a nice day, but you never

can tell with that sort of cloud formation up there.

And too, it's a little warm for this time of year,

but, frankly, I sort of like it.

- What are you mumbling about, Thorny?

- Well, I'm just trying to make a little conversation.

What's the matter with you today?

Get up on the wrong side of the bed or something?

- No, I'm sorry, Thorny.

Harriet and I had a little difference of opinion

at breakfast time, and I'm afraid I'm not

very good company. - Oh?

What was the fight about?

- Well, it wasn't exactly a fight.

I mean, Harriet and I never fight,

or we don't argue seriously.

It was just, you might say, a spirited discussion.

- Well, it sure has got you plenty upset.

What happened?

- Well, the fight started and--

No, not fight.

- Uh, spirited discussion.

- It just started when Harriet picked up the morning paper

and read about Mr. and Mrs. Strudlemeyer separating.

- Oh, gee, Oz.

I'm sorry.

Were they very good friends of yours?

- No, but--

- Oh, they're Harriet's friends.

- No, no, no, no.

Harriet doesn't even know them either.

- Wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

If neither one of you know them, what difference

does it make if they're separating?

- Well, see, that's what made the whole thing so silly, what

made the whole discussion so pointless.

And I tried to bring this out to Harriet.

And, in fact, I was perfectly willing to bury the tuba--

Uh, the hatchet.

- Bury the tuba?

- Well, see, that's what made it all so silly.

See, here's how the discussion started.

This woman, an unreasonable person, Mrs. Strudlemeyer,

refused to allow her poor husband

to play a tuba in his own home.

And the amazing part is that Harriet, who is usually

very levelheaded, sided in with this unreasonable woman simply

because, in this case, the woman happened to be the man's wife

and of the feminine gender.

- That sounds a little silly, doesn't it?

- Well, certainly.

The whole thing was pointless and silly, just as I said.

That's the reason I went into the kitchen a while ago,

and I tried to smooth the thing out with Harriet.

My whole attitude was conciliatory and apologetic.

I figured I should make the first overtures.

And Harriet just completely fluffed me off,

got pretty darn salty.

- Well, it's pretty obvious what your trouble is.

You just don't know how to handle women.

- Oh, Thorny.

- Oz, you may not realize it, but I'm

quite a student of psychology, especially when it

deals with the intricacies of the feminine mind.

- Since when did all this happen?

- Oz, please.

Do you want me to help you or don't you?

- Well, I'd like to hear your opinion.

Go ahead.

- All right.

Well then, now the way I've got it figured,

you're just a little too easygoing.

You've got to be a little more masterful.

Women like men that gets a little tough with them

once in a while.

- Oh, I don't know, Thorny.

- Oh, Oz, will you believe me? Listen to me.

I know what I'm talking about.

You can't beat Mother Nature, and this is the way

she's got it planned out.

Man is supposed to be the dominating force,

the masterful one, the head of the household.

And believe me, Oz, this is the way that women like it, too.

They don't want to boss their husbands around.

They like a strong, forceful man.

They're the ones who'd like to be dominated.

Now, listen to me, Oz, you've got to go back into the house

and assert your rights, assert yourself.

Show Harriet that you're the boss.

And believe me, she'll love you for it.

- By golly, Thorny, I think you have a point there.

Come to think of it, I have been acting like sort of a jellyfish

recently.

- Of course I've got a point, Oz.

- I think I'll follow your advice.

I'll see you later, Thorny.

- OK, jelly.

I mean, Oz.

Catherine?

Catherine?

I'm finished smoking my pipe.

Can I come in the house now, dear?

- Oh, hiya, Pop.

- Hello, my boy.

- What's that?

- I said, hello, my boy.

- It's me, your son, Ricky.

- Yes, I know it is, Ricky.

It's just that things have been entirely too informal

around here, and I think we might as well start rectifying

it by you boys calling me something a little more

dignified than "Pop."

- What should we call you?

- Was there anything wrong with "father?"

- I think so.

You're sure acting funny, boy.

- Ricky, you're probably a little

too young to understand this, but nature and tradition

have fashioned a certain pattern that we're supposed to follow.

That is that the husband and the father

is the head of the household, the master of the house.

In other words, to put it very bluntly,

I'm the boss around here.

- I know you are, Pop.

- You do?

How do you know?

- Because mom said you were the boss, and whatever Mom says

goes.

- Well, from now on, what I say goes.

I mean-- Mm.

What's that delightful odor coming from the kitchen?

- Mom's cooking an apple pie.

- Oh, an apple pie for dinner, eh?

What's this pillow doing here on the couch?

- Mom said you might want to rest before dinner.

- Oh, trying to soften me up, eh?

Well, as I was saying, from now on--

Oh, boy.

I think that's gravy or something.

It sure smells delicious.

- Mom's cooking some mashed potatoes for dinner.

- Oh.

Your mother's just trying to confuse me.

And it's not going to work, and she knows darn well it is.

- Come on, Rick. Get washed up for dinner.

- OK, Mom.

- Hello, dear.

- Oh, uh, Harriet, what the heck is going on around here?

- Well, nothing's going on.

- Well, I mean, for one thing, what's

the idea of the pillow on the couch?

- Well, the master of the house should have some rest.

The head of the family needs a little relaxation.

- Oh!

Ricky said it was for me.

- Well, it is.

Aren't you the master of the house?

- Who, me?

- Yes, you.

- Oh!

Yes, yes, of course.

When will the dinner be ready, woman?

- Well, when would you like to have it?

- 15 minutes?

Uh, 15 minutes.

- All right.

We can have it sooner, if you'd like.

- No, 15 minutes will be just about right.

You know, I don't think I'll wear any necktie for dinner

tonight.

- Yes, dear.

- Don't think I'll wear a coat either.

- If you'll be sitting down, you needn't wear trousers either.

- I think I'll relax and read the paper for a while.

- Oh, wait a minute.

I'll get it for you.

- No, that's all right.

I can get it.

- Well, I'll get your slippers.

- No, please don't.

I'd rather just stretch right out here with my shoes

on the couch.

- Is there anything I can get for you?

- Not a thing. Thank you.

Where's the financial page?

Oh, what's the use.

I can't concentrate.

Harriet, what the heck is going on around here anyways?

- Nothing's going on.

- Gee whiz.

What's happened to our happy home?

- Well, aren't you happy now?

- Well, yes, but do you want me to help

you set the table or something?

- Oh, no, I can set it.

- Oh, that's OK.

I don't want to argue about it.

- Oh, I'm not arguing.

- Oh, neither am I. I'm just trying

to start a normal conversation.

- Oh, have it your way.

- Well, of course I'll have it my way.

That's the way it's supposed to be.

The husband and father's supposed

to be the head of the household.

- Well, certainly.

It's been that way since time began.

- Sure.

Maybe that's what's wrong around here.

- Well, look, dear, why don't you just lie down and relax?

And I'll call you when dinner's ready.

David?

- Sorry I took so long, Mom.

- Where have you been? - Oh, don't you remember?

You sent me down to the grocery store.

- Well, that was over an hour ago.

What happened?

- I met Kathy Williams down there.

- Don't tell me you walked home with her.

- Well, heck, I couldn't let a girl carry

all those heavy groceries.

- What all did she have?

- A loaf of bread.

- Is that all, for goodness sake?

- Oh, it was the jumbo size.

I met her, and I think she likes me.

- Really? - Yeah.

She said we're going to the movies Saturday,

some love picture.

I suggested a western, but she said no.

- Oh, she did, did she?

- Yeah, I have to wear a tie, too.

- Well, sounds very formal.

- Yeah, she's going to teach me to rumba after the movies.

- To rumba?

It takes two to tango.

- Ricky.

- What's the matter, mom?

- Oh, never mind.

Keep going.

It takes two to tango.

- She wants me to be a good dancer.

In fact, she insists upon it.

- Wait a minute.

I thought you didn't like girls who were bossy.

- Oh, is she bossy?

- Well, she certainly sounds like it.

- Gee, coming from her, you'd never even notice it.

- You gonna do what she says?

- Sure.

It'll be fun letting her boss me around.

- Oh, I see.

- I guess you don't really mind when you like a person.

- Excuse me a minute, David.

Ozzie?

Ozzie!

Get your feet off the couch, and come help me set the table.

- I must have been dreaming.

"Ozzie and Harriet" will be back in a moment.

- You know, Harriet, the more I think about this Strudlemeyer

case, the more I'm definitely convinced that he was wrong.

- Well, you know it's funny you should say that,

because the more I think about it the more

I'm convinced that she was to blame.

Poor man.

Why shouldn't he play the tuba in his own home?

- Well, regardless of who is to blame,

let's just agree on one thing.

Let's never get involved in another one

of these hypothetical discussions again, huh?

- All right, dear.

But it was definitely her fault.

- Oh, you're just saying that to be diplomatic.

I appreciate it, but it was definitely his fault.

- No, I really mean it.

The wife is very inconsiderate.

- All right then, it was the wife's fault.

We're agreed on that, so let's drop the subject.

- Do you really think it was her fault?

- Of course not.

I just don't want any arguments.

- That's good, because secretly, I think it was his fault.

- Hey, look at this article in the paper.

Harriet, the Strudlemeyers have buried the hatchet.

- Well, good for them.

Who finally gave in?

- Well, the man of course.

Who else?

- Is that what it says?

- Well, not exactly.

- Well, how do you know?

- Well, I'll read it to you.

"For sale or trade, one tuba, slightly battered.

Phone Rudolph Strudlemeyer."

Next week, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

will be brought to you by Prophylactic toothbrushes,

Listerine toothpaste, and Listerine, the most widely

used antiseptic in the world.