Original subtitles

Listerine antiseptic, Listerine toothpaste,

and Prophylactic toothbrushes present

America's favorite family comedy,

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family.

Here is Ozzie, who plays the part of Ozzie Nelson.

And, of course, his lovely wife Harriet as Harriet Nelson.

The older of the Nelson boys, David, appears as David Nelson.

And his younger brother, the irrepressible Ricky,

played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelson's next door neighbor, Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

Harriet!

- I'm in here.

- Oh, there you are. Hi.

- Hi.

Well, goodness.

Who's been chasing you?

- Oh, nobody.

Such a nice, crisp day, I thought

I'd walk up the hill real fast.

You know it's a lot of fun walking up that hill real fast?

- I dare you to tell that to the mailman.

- No, I mean, it sends the old blood

surging through your veins.

What's the trouble?

- What do you mean?

- Well, your face.

- Are you asking a question or registering a complaint?

- No, no.

You just look concerned about something.

- Well, I am a little worried.

- Oh?

What are you worried about?

- Well, it's nothing important.

- Well, come on now.

It must be important or you wouldn't be worried about it.

- No, honestly. Really, it isn't.

- Now, Harriet, worries are dreadful things

if you keep them bottled up within yourself.

Best thing to do if you have any troubles

is to tell them to somebody.

9 times out of 10, you'll find out

you had nothing to worry about in the first place.

Come on now. What's been bothering you?

- Well, this isn't anything like that.

- Harriet, please.

Worry can be a very dangerous thing.

I mean, you keep worries bottled up like that,

and the first thing you know, they wear you

right down to a frazzle.

- Well, it's nice of you to be concerned,

dear, but, really, it isn't anything like that.

- Now, Harriet, you don't want people

to go around looking at me and saying, "Oh,

that poor guy is married to a frazzle."

Come on, what's troubling you?

- Well, OK.

I went down to the emporium today

and I saw some draperies that I thought would look nice

in our living room.

- Well, for goodness sakes, is that what you're worried about?

Harriet, please!

After all, this isn't the Middle Ages, you know.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I mean, did you think that I, the lord and master,

would chop your head off just because you went down

to the emporium to look at some new draperies?

- Well, no, not exactly.

- What did you think I'd do, throw a tantrum

or blow my top or something?

Now look, Harriet, tomorrow, you go right down to the emporium

and buy the new draperies.

It's as easy as that.

Does that take care of your troubles?

- Well, not exactly.

I was worried about how they'd look when they were delivered.

I already bought them this afternoon.

I was afraid the color might not be quite right.

- Well, worrying about it isn't going to do any good.

I mean, after all, you liked them when you saw them down

at the emporium, didn't you?

- Well, yes, but I'm afraid they might not

look as good in our living room as they

did in the emporium window.

- Well, maybe we could make arrangements for the emporium

management to let us move into their window.

What color were they?

- Oh, well, here's a sample. Have a look.

- Oh.

Yeah, that's sort of a bubblegum pink, isn't it?

- They call them "dusty rose."

You think it'll clash with the rug?

- I don't know.

If it does, we'll just sit back and let them fight it out.

- It'd be awful if they turned out badly

because they're so expensive.

- Harriet, will you stop worrying?

Worrying about it isn't going to do any good.

We'll probably hang them up and they'll

turn out to be the nicest looking

draperies we've ever had.

- Is that you, boys?

- Yeah, mom, it's us.

- Yeah, it's us.

- What are you guys so glum about?

What the heck is going on around here today, anyway?

- Well, Ricky took an arithmetic test and he's worried about it.

- Did you take a test, too? - No, sir.

Just Ricky.

- Well, then what are you still worried about?

- Well, I'm just kind of helping him out,

you know, keeping the spirit of things.

- Why are you so worried about your arithmetic test, Ricky?

- Because arithmetic's my worst subject.

But do you think you failed?

- Well, I don't know.

They don't tell us until tomorrow

- Well, then what's the sense of worrying?

- Because arithmetic's my worse subject.

- OK, since arithmetic is your worst subject and you know it,

did you prepare carefully for the test?

Did you study everything you were supposed to study?

- Yes, sir.

- And did you concentrate carefully

while you were taking the test?

- Oh, sure, Pop.

- And did you recheck all of your answers

to make sure they were right? - Yes, sir.

Every one.

- OK, since you did all these things,

why isn't it logical to assume you

have nothing to worry about?

- Because arithmetic is my worst subject.

- Don't you see, Ricky?

If you did everything you possibly

could do to pass the test, then there's

no sense worrying about it.

You've done all you could do.

You can't do any better than that.

- Yeah, never thought of it that way, Pop.

I guess you're right.

- Well, of course I'm right.

- Heck, I probably passed the test.

I might even have gotten 100.

- It's possible.

- Gee, thanks, Pop.

I won't worry about it anymore.

- That's the spirit.

- Hey, David?

- Yeah?

- Just in case I didn't pass, you'd better keep on worrying.

- OK.

- Well, I have to give you credit.

You certainly are the happy gloom chaser today.

- Well, for goodness sakes, I've never

seen such a family of worriers.

Must get it from your side of the family.

Didn't your father used to worry a great deal?

- Yes, he did.

Every time I went out with you.

- Well, that was just because he was afraid of that jalopy

I used to drive around in.

- Well, he just couldn't understand why you

didn't have a steering wheel.

- Well, in those days, you know, a lot

of the kids used to use ropes to steer with.

Honest to goodness, Ricky's worried about his arithmetic

test and yet he's done everything possible to pass it.

Here you are, worried about your new draperies,

whether they're going to be the right color.

You haven't even seen them hung up yet.

- Well, it's easy enough to say, you know,

but you can't just turn worries on and off like a faucet.

- Well, no.

I know that.

But, well, let's look at it this way.

I brought the car down to the garage today to get fixed.

Now, it's possible that it may cost a lot of money.

- Well, I certainly hope not.

We have enough expenses right now.

- Well, yes, I know that.

And I hope it doesn't cost too much, but just in the event

that it does, worrying about it isn't going to help any.

If it costs a lot of money, it costs a lot of money,

and there's nothing we can do about it.

- Well, I suppose so.

- Certainly.

I mean, it's so silly to worry like that.

- Gee, you're a regular rock of Gibraltar today.

- Well, it's just that I feel that worrying

is such a futile thing, such a waste of energy.

Well, I'm going to take a little walk.

In case you're worried where I'm going,

I'm going down to Miller's and buy a couple of quarts

of ice cream for dessert. OK?

- All right.

Oh, hey, while you're down there,

will you pick up a "Glamorous Woman"?

- I presume there's a magazine of that title

and that's what you mean.

- It certainly is.

Don't you think I've got enough to worry about

with the draperies?

- Mr. Nelson?

Mr. Nelson? - Oh, oh!

I'm sorry.

- Anything I can do for you, Mr. Nelson?

- Uh, yes, please.

I'd like a quart of chocolate and a quart of vanilla ice

cream, if you don't mind.

- Quart of chocolate and quart of vanilla.

- Please.

- Hi, Oz.

- Oh, hello there, Thorny.

- Harriet told me I'd find you here.

What are you reading there?

- Oh, one of these silly women's magazines.

Harry asked me to pick it up for her.

I'm just looking over this article here.

- Yeah?

What does it say?

Stop worrying?

- Yeah, it's a whole big deal about people worrying.

You know, the same old junk.

Listen to this.

"We want to sweep the worry clouds

from our mental storehouse and take a new lease on life."

This gal claims that 99% of the people

worry 90% of the time.

Do you believe that?

- Oh, I don't know, Oz.

She might be right.

- Got a whole list of questions here.

Are you troubled by tension?

Do you lie awake at night?

Are you troubled by anxiety?

Do you fear the future?

Are you worried?

- Well, yes.

- Are you worried about living beyond your means?

Are you concerned about little ailments?

- Like a-- like a pain in my right shoulder?

- Yeah, yeah, that's the kind of stuff,

you know, the things people always worry about

but seldom ever have.

- Oh, I don't mean I've got it now.

Just sometimes.

Aren't you bothered with it sometimes?

- Well, maybe some time if I've been bowling a great deal

or if I happen to sleep on an awkward position.

I'm sure I'm not going to worry about it.

- Here you are, Mr. Nelson.

Quart of chocolate and quart of vanilla.

- Oh, fine. Thanks.

- Hi, Mr. Thornberry. - How are you?

- Now, you take Mr. Miller here.

I guarantee you he's not a worrier.

You're not a worrier, are you, Mr. Miller?

- Well, I try not to.

Of course, I'm sort of a cheerful person by nature.

But that worry can be a terrible thing, gentlemen.

Oh, I guess it's the cause of more evil dispositions

than anything else in the world.

- Yeah, it sure can bring a person down.

- Did you ever meet my wife, Mr. Nelson?

- Is she a worrier?

- Oh, she used to be.

Oh, I'd come home of an evening, and she'd

sit there worrying and worrying, just make everybody

around her miserable.

- Hmm.

So you decided to do something about it?

- Well, sir, the way I figure, if you

want to stop a person from worrying,

you've got to get their mind off of it.

So when I'd come home and I'd find her sitting there

with a long face, I just give her the ol' worry treatment.

- Oh, uh, what would you do?

- Well, sir, I'd go out into the kitchen,

get me a couple of ice cubes, sneak up behind her

and drop them right down her back.

- It seemed to work?

- Absolutely.

She's like a new woman.

I met her last night for the first time since our divorce.

Happiest woman I've ever met.

Here you are, Mr. Nelson.

A quart of chocolate and quart of vanilla.

- Thanks. Goodbye, Mr. Miller.

- Bye bye.

- Did you get my magazine, Ozzie?

Ozzie? - Oh!

I'm sorry. What did you say?

- I said, did you get my magazine for me?

- Oh, yeah, they're right.

I'm just reading an article in it.

Would you like to see it? - Oh, no, that's all right.

You go ahead. I'll read it later.

- Well, that dinner was terrific.

I think I ate a little too much.

You know how my belt is shrinking.

I have to unloosen it all the time.

- What's the article about?

- Oh, it's one of those articles where

they keep asking questions, you know,

a list of things you're supposed to ask yourself.

Are you afraid you're living beyond your means?

- Isn't everybody?

- And, uh, are you slipping?

Are you slipping, dear?

- No, but your pants are.

You'd better fasten your belt on.

- Listen to this.

Are you losing your old friends?

- Well, are we?

- No, of course not.

We still have the same friends we've always had.

Of course, they're a little older, but same good friends.

The Thornberrys, the Dunkles, the Randolphs, the Hendersons.

We've had so many good times together;

parties, dances, outings.

Where was it you said we were invited for Saturday night?

- No place.

- I thought you said somebody invited us

to a party or something.

- No, not that I know of.

What are the other questions in the article?

- Oh, a lot of silly stuff.

Gee, I could have sworn you said something about a party,

somebody invited us to their house for Saturday night.

- Mm-mm.

- Ah, silly junk here.

Do you feel that people are avoiding you?

Saying you are less popular than you once were?

- Well, that's a standard thing, isn't it?

- Well, sure.

I mean, the idea of printing these things,

telling a person how to stop worrying,

such dull stupid stuff isn't even interesting.

Here, let me read you some more.

Are you having difficulty making new friends?

Do you feel that old friends are deliberately avoiding you.

There's all this silly stuff.

- Well, what's silly about it?

- Well, for one thing, the idea of telling you to ask yourself

these questions.

They immediately assume that anybody

who reads this magazine talks to himself.

It would be different if the questions

made some sense, but, I mean, such ridiculous questions.

"Do you feel that people are deliberately avoiding you?"

- Oh, come on, dear. It's getting late.

Let's go up to bed.

- Uh, have we got all the doors locked?

- Well, I think so.

Why?

- Why?

We don't want prowlers stomping through the house

at all hours of the night.

- Oh, I don't know.

With Ricky's roller skates scattered all over the house,

a prowler wouldn't get past the dining room.

What's the matter?

- Oh, I just thought I felt a little twinge of pain

in my right shoulder.

Harriet.

Harriet?

- Hmm?

What's the matter?

- How long has it been since we've seen the Randolphs?

- Oh, it's been quite a while.

- Harriet?

- Hmm?

- Do you remember if I locked the garage door?

- The car isn't there, dear.

You left it down at the shop.

- Oh, oh, yes, Yes.

I can imagine all the things that mechanic's

going to find wrong with it.

Probably tell me we need a new motor.

I wonder what a new motor costs.

Darn old car isn't worth that much.

Drag it away to the junkyard.

Hope I can get an appointment with Dr. Brown tomorrow.

- Oh, for goodness sakes.

What for?

- This right shoulder of mine.

It's killing me.

- Oh, Ozzie, you're just in time.

- Oh, hello, dear.

- Come and see the new draperies.

- Oh, those ones you just bought?

- Uh huh. Aren't they lovely?

You know, you were right.

It was silly of me to worry about them.

They match perfectly.

- Mm.

They're so long, they're dragging across the floor.

Don't you think they'd wear out pretty quickly?

- Well, no, they're supposed to be made that way.

See how well they're made?

What are you doing?

- Wondering how this stuff is going to clean.

Sometimes a fabric like that shrinks right up to nothing

when you try to clean it.

- Well, it should clean very well.

It's guaranteed.

- Guaranteed?

Harriet, who guaranteed it?

- Well, the people who made it.

- Do you know the people who made this material?

- Of course I don't.

- Well, then how do you know they'll

make good on their guarantee?

- Well, it's a reputable firm.

That certainly ought to mean something.

- Well, who says they're reputable?

- Well, the sales lady at the emporium said--

- Sales lady? Sales lady?

- Just one, dear.

- Well, OK.

Suppose the sales lady does know that people who

made the material.

Who knows the sales lady?

I'm sure I don't.

- Well, I do.

And she's quite honest.

And the draperies will clean.

- OK, suppose they clean.

Will they wear?

- Yeah, they'll wear.

- Suppose they wear out?

- They won't wear out.

- Suppose they don't wear out?

I mean, to say we have to stand around

and look at these same draperies the rest of our lives?

- Hiya, Pop.

Hey, Pop, you sure were right about that arithmetic test.

I didn't have a thing to worry about.

- Oh, fine.

You mean you got 100?

- No, but I got 87.

- Oh.

I don't know.

87 doesn't sound like such a high mark to me, Rick.

- Oh, sure it is, Pop.

Billy Johnson only got 88, and his mother's a teacher.

- Well, maybe so.

I think you've got to watch those teachers, though.

They're pretty tricky, especially arithmetic teachers.

You know, they'll give you a good mark on one test

just to build up your confidence, then

all of a sudden, wham!

Tthey let you have it.

- I don't think so, Pop.

Don't worry.

I'll go OK.

- Ozzie, what's happening to you?

Ever since you read that article in my magazine last night,

you've been worrying about everything.

Oh, did you pick up the car at the garage?

- Oh, yes.

It's not going to cost as much as I thought at first.

Just some little thing wrong with the carburetor.

It'll only cost about $3 or $4, he said.

- Well, I'll bet that ought to make you feel better.

- Well, I don't know.

I was driving home, you should have heard the old thing

clinking and clanking.

It sounded like an old coffee grinder or something.

I was afraid I wasn't even going to make it up the hill.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

You got home in it, didn't you?

- No, I didn't. - You didn't?

What happened?

- Well, I left it at the gas station

to have the oil changed.

- What I mean is there's nothing wrong with the car.

What's the matter with you, dear?

I thought you never worried about anything.

- Well, golly, Harriet, it's just

that all of a sudden, everything started to pile up on me.

I mean, your new draperies arrive

and they're dragging across the floor

and they can't be cleaned.

Ricky's having all this trouble with his schoolwork.

The car breaks down.

I have to walk all the way home.

It's just one thing after another beating

right on top of your head like little drops of water.

- Letting your imagination run away with you.

You said yourself you left the car at the gas station,

and Ricky isn't having trouble with his schoolwork,

and my draperies will clean.

Now, will you stop worrying?

- I'm not worrying, Harriet.

You've heard me say a thousand times

I don't believe in worrying.

- Did you see Dr. Brown today about your shoulder?

- Oh, uh, yes, I did.

- What did he say?

- Well, he said to stop worrying.

- David?

- Yes, ma'am?

- Lunch is ready.

- Oh, I thought Pop was going to come out and shoot

some baskets with me.

- Oh, I don't know.

I just don't understand your father today.

- What's the matter?

- Well, he seemed so terribly worried about everything.

- He doesn't seem very happy, does he?

Is that a new magazine?

- Oh, that's the one your father was reading last night.

And there's an article in there that gives me a wonderful idea.

- What's that?

- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe I'd better not tell you.

It's a long shot, but it's worth a try.

- For goodness sakes, what's the matter, Harriet?

- Oh, nothing.

I was just thinking.

If there is anything serious wrong with the car,

it'll take an awful lot of money to fix it.

- Well, yes, that's what--

No, don't you remember?

The man said it was practically nothing,

and it just cost a few dollars.

For goodness sakes.

Stop worrying about it.

- Oh, I wasn't worrying.

I was just thinking.

Now I got to thinking about the Randolphs.

You know, it does seem strange that they didn't accept

our invitation last week.

- Well, I don't think so.

For goodness sakes, Harriet, you couldn't

expect the people to cancel out another engagement just

to accept dollars.

- Your shoulder's bothering you, isn't it?

- What shoulder?

- Well, your right shoulder, the one

that's been giving you so much trouble.

You seem to be favoring it.

Do you think it's anything serious?

- Well, no!

For goodness sakes, will you stop worrying, Harriet?

So you haven't, by any chance, been reading that article,

have you?

The article about worrying?

- You mean the one that started you worrying?

- What makes you say that?

- Oh, simply the fact that ever since you read it,

you've done nothing but worry and lie awake at night.

- You mean you don't think the article is any good?

- Oh, there's nothing wrong with the article.

It's just you didn't read the last page.

On the last page, it tells you how to stop worrying.

- And you read the last page?

- Yes, I did.

It works, too.

It says if you want to stop a person from worrying,

take his mind off himself and make

him worry about something else.

- Hmm.

You mean that's what you did?

- Yeah.

You were worrying yourself sick, so I

made-believe I was worried, and you snapped right out of it.

It worked beautifully, didn't it?

- Oh, yes.

I think it did.

What makes you think I didn't read the last page?

- You mean you were making believe you were

worried so I'd stop worrying?

- Uh, are you happy with the living room drapes, dear?

- Yes, of course.

- You're not worried about them anymore?

- No.

- And Ricky isn't worried about his arithmetic anymore?

- Of course not.

- Uh, pretty good article, don't you think, Harriet?

- Oh, Ozzie, how clever of you.

What a wonderful way to teach us a lesson.

- Uh, Harriet, however, I think it might be a good idea if you

don't tell anybody about this.

- Why?

- Well, it would upset the whole formula.

After all, the husband is the one

who is supposed to be the bumbling, fumbling one who

always makes the mistakes and does all the worrying,

while the wife is supposed to be the calm and cool one who

sort of tricks them and keeps everything running on a level

keel.

- Are you sure you were just making-believe you were

worried?

- Oh, Harriet.

- Well, you put on quite an act.

The roof leaking, losing our friends, your aching shoulder.

Are you sure you got all that from the last page

of the article?

- Well, no, dear.

I must confess.

I got the idea from an old Chinese proverb.

Would you like to hear it?

- Not especially.

- Old Chinese proverb say, when wives

start to worry about living room draperies,

she give husband big pain in shoulder.

- Oh, I hoped it was you.

What are you doing up in the middle of the night?

- Oh, well, I was kind of tossing and turning a little.

I thought I'd get something to eat.

- Don't tell me you're still worried.

- Well, uh, yes, I am a little bit.

I guess maybe I sort of got into the habit of it,

you know, putting on that big act to stop you and the boys

from worrying.

Are you going to get something to eat, too?

- No, dear.

I just heard of a wonderful way to keep a person from worrying.

I'm going to try it on you. - Oh?

What is it?

- Oh, never mind.

It's a surprise.

- Oh.

Uh, speaking of worry treatments,

you know, Mr. Miller down at the market,

he was telling us of a way he used

to stop his wife from worrying. - Oh?

What was that? - Well, it was--

- No, no.

Don't turn around now.

- Well, uh, you know, Mr. Miller has

kind of a fiendish sense of humor, so he used--

No.

Come to think of it, I don't think I'll tell you.

I may want to use it on you sometime.

Marvelous.

Oh!

No!

Oh, Harriet!

Oh.

That's not funny.

And besides, you're supposed to use ice cubes.

- I know, but ice cream's so much messier.

- Just scoop me up to bed, will you?

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Next week, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky--

Will be brought to you by Hotpoint Quality Appliances.

Remember, look to Hotpoint for the finest first.

Mr. Miller was played by Bob Sweeney.