Original subtitles

- Hotpoint Quality Appliances presents

America's favorite family comedy, "The Adventures

of Ozzie and Harriet," starring the entire Nelson

family, Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky.

So settle back in your easy chairs

and enjoy another delightful half-hour with all the Nelsons.

Ozzie Nelson, of course, plays the part

of the head of the Nelson household, Ozzie.

And here is his lovely wife, Harriet Nelson,

who keeps the family on an even keel.

Hello, Harriet.

The smiling young teenager we now see

is David Nelson, older of the two Nelson boys

and played by David Nelson.

And here, we have the youngest of the Nelsons,

the little guy with a twinkle in his eye,

Ricky Nelson, played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelson's next-door neighbor, Mr. Thornberry,

better known as Ozzie's pal Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

- "Even though Rocky Blackheart had a perfect alibi, somehow,

Rudolph Goodsoul suspected he was guilty.

There was something about the man and the matter

which seemed suspicious, the way he jumped when the word

'police' was mentioned, the way he was

startled when the shot rang out and the bullet

grazed his head."

"Yes, Blackie was as guilty as sin."

- Pretty dull, isn't it?

I wonder if we can find Harriet.

Whatever she's doing is more interesting than this.

Say, that looks like Ricky.

- Hey, David!

- What do you want?

- Where's Mom?

- She went downtown to get her hair done!

- Oh, so that's where Harriet is.

Well, let's go down to the beauty shop

and see if we can find her.

- So there we were, standing in the moonlight.

And I looked straight at him and I said, "Sir,"

I said, "You are a big dope, and don't you

ever speak to me again."

That's the night we decided to get married.

- That's not Harriet.

Oh, there she is, talking to Pierre himself.

She must be making an appointment.

- Well, that's just it, Pierre.

I can't decide how I want it done.

It's just that I'm so sick and tired

of the way I've been doing it.

I'm sure Mr. Nelson must be, too.

- What does he say about it?

- Well, I figured he's pretty much like other husbands.

He never mentions my hair very much.

- Oh, but, madame, you're so beautiful,

and he does not notice you?

Oh, I will kill him.

Do you understand?

I will kill him.

Do you think he'd like that?

Oh, I'm afraid not, Pierre.

Let's see, my appointment is next Wednesday at 2:00, right?

- Eh, that is right, madame.

- Well, maybe between now and then,

you can dream up something special and outstanding.

- Oh, leave it to Pierre, madame.

I already have in mind something very unusual and very exotic.

We will try all your hair combed down in front of your face.

Of course, once finished, you can only

go out with your husband or a trusted friend.

- Why is that?

- Because you cannot see a thing.

I call it "peek-a-boo."

- I'm afraid that's a little flashy for me.

I thought perhaps if I could comb it up on the sides

and down on in the back. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

If it's not completely down, then it must be up, up, up.

- But can't it just be down-- - No, no, no.

Up, up, up,

- Well, why can't it be down--

- Up, up, up.

- But Mr. Nelson may like it down.

- Who cares?

Pierre likes it up, up, up.

- Who cares?

Mr. Nelson's my husband.

- Madame, millions of husbands definitely want Pierre,

and Pierre says up.

Please, I will give you the latest, a beautiful updo.

- Well, I don't know.

You say it's nice, huh?

- Nice?

Oh, I have experimented on my own hair,

and I find myself irresistible.

- Well, I have between now and next Wednesday

to make up my mind. - It will be a great pleasure.

Merci, madame. - Au revoir, monsieur.

- So long, kid.

- Come on, Ricky, finish your breakfast.

- OK.

- You haven't even touched those eggs.

- David's practically finished, and you haven't even started.

- David's just a big showoff.

- Come on, Ricky, how do you expect

to grow if you don't eat?

- I sure would like something different for breakfast.

- What do you think this is? A hotel?

- Nobody's talking to you, David.

- What would you like, Rick?

- Probably hot dogs and ice cream.

- That's exactly what I had in mind.

And maybe a chocolate bar for dessert.

- That's not my idea of an ideal breakfast.

- That's what Will Thornberry has

for breakfast every morning.

- Oh, Ricky, Will Thornberry does not

have hot dogs, ice cream, and candy bars for breakfast.

- Sure he does, Pop.

He even told me so himself.

- Oh, Ricky, that's ridiculous.

- OK, wise guy, you can even ask him.

- Oh, now I'm sure Mrs. Thornberry doesn't give Will

any breakfast like that.

- That's just it.

Mrs. Thornberry isn't this mother.

- What's this?

- Will's mother was a beautiful gypsy princess.

- A beautiful gypsy princess?

- That's right.

He was left on a doorstep when he

was two years old in a basket.

He's got a birthmark to prove it.

- Oh, Ricky, I think Will was just making up some big story.

- He even showed me the birthmark.

- Oh, Ricky, I remember when Will was born.

He wasn't left on the doorstep, and Mrs. Thornberry

is his real mother.

- All I know is what he told me.

The rest of it's probably all bunk, too.

- What's the rest of it?

- About his father being the King of England.

Well, at least he has quite an imagination.

How did he happen to tell you the story?

- Well, it was a rainy day, and we were sitting in the garage,

and David was telling Will how you were with the FBI.

- What's this?

- May I be excused, please?

I'm all finished.

- Oh, just a second.

What's this about me being with the FBI?

- Well, it was rainy and there was nothing much to talk about,

and Will was telling us how his mother was a beautiful gypsy

princess.

- Well, I know, but, David, I'm not with the FBI.

And I don't want you to go around making up

stories like that.

- Well, if you were with the FBI, you couldn't tell anybody,

could you, Pop?

- Not even your own family, could you?

- No.

- Then how do we know you're not?

- Ricky, I'm not with the FBI, and that's all there is to it.

- We were just kidding them along, Pop.

- OK, but from now on, stop making up

whoppers about your old man, both of you guys.

- OK, Pop.

- It sure is going to be awful dull on a rainy day.

- Really a couple of characters there.

- Yeah, I can't imagine who they take after.

- Oh, uh, Harriet, could you let me have the book a second?

- You even have to read at the breakfast table?

- Well, this is pretty interesting stuff.

Now, here we are.

"Even though Rocky Blackheart had a perfect alibi, somehow,

Rudolph Goodsoul suspected he was guilty."

I already read that.

Oh, here we are.

- Ozzie?

- "Rocky knew he was trapped.

No matter how smart a criminal is--"

- Before you get too engrossed in that book,

there's something I'd like to talk to you about.

- Mhm.

- I made an appointment at the beauty shop for Wednesday.

You know Pierre's?

Ozzie?

- Hmm?

- I said I made an appointment at the beauty shop

for Wednesday.

- Oh, oh!

Gee, that's great, Harriet.

- I'm going to get a permanent.

- Oh, that's nice.

- I'm so darned tired of my hair recently,

I'd like to do something drastic about it.

How do you think I should have it done?

- Oh, oh, yes, that's very nice, dear.

- Ozzie, could you please listen to me?

- I'm listening.

You asked me how you should have your hair done.

- Well, how do you think I should have it done?

Long or short?

Up or down?

- Oh, either way would be fine, Harriet.

Your hair always looks nice.

- Do you think you'd like it up?

- Hmm?

Oh, yes, I think that'd be swell, Harriet.

- How about down?

- Oh, yes, that's fine.

- Which would you like better?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

What did you say?

- Oh, Ozzie, would you put down for a minute?

This is important to me, and I'd like your honest opinion on it.

- Oh, yes, I know, it's about your hair.

- Yes, well, how do you like the way I'm wearing it?

- Oh, Harriet, it looks beautiful!

When did you start wearing it that way?

- About three years ago.

- Oh, well, like I say, it looks beautiful.

Your hair always looks so nice.

- Well, I've been thinking about getting a permanent,

and I couldn't decide whether to have it

cut shorter at the same time.

What do you think?

- Well, gee, I don't know.

That's up to you.

- Which way would you like it better?

- Well, I don't know, Harriet.

I like your hair anyway you wear it.

It always looks beautiful.

You know, I don't care whether it's long, or short,

or curly, or wavy.

It always looks fine to me.

- Well, can't you express an opinion?

- Well, I just expressed an opinion.

I told you it always looks wonderful,

whether it's long, or short, or curly, or wavy.

- Well, at least you could show some interest

and express an honest opinion.

You know just as well as I do that sometimes my hair looks

very nice and other times it looks perfectly terrible.

Have you ever told me I look terrible?

- No.

Now that you mention it, I don't think I've ever

told you you look terrible.

Gee, I feel like a cad.

- But how can I get a permanent when you won't tell me

whether you want me to or not?

- Well, Harriet, I just told you it's OK with me.

Gee, when I want to get a haircut,

I don't make a big deal out of it.

I just go down to the barber shop and sit down in the chair

and lean back--

- And fall asleep.

- How do you know I fall asleep?

- I've seen some of your haircuts.

It's OK with me if you'd want to show any interest in me.

- Oh, I show plenty of interest.

I show interest in what you wear and the way your hair is fixed.

Believe me, it isn't I don't notice, Harriet.

- Oh, come now, I could probably cut my hair off entirely,

and you wouldn't know the difference.

- Oh, yes, I would.

- Oh, no, you wouldn't.

- Yes, I would.

If you cut your hair off entirely,

your hat wouldn't fit.

It would fall down over your eyes.

You would stumble.

And when I went to pick you up, I'd be sure to notice it.

- All right, I'll tell you what we'll do.

You stay right there.

Now, stay there.

Don't turn around.

- What's the idea?

- What have I got on?

What color skirt?

- Well--

- Nuh uh, don't turn around now.

- Uh, let's see now.

You're wearing a dark brown skirt.

- And what kind of a sweater?

- Uh, uh, the gray sweater with the turtleneck.

- Trimmed in what?

- Trimmed in those little, uh, red things, right?

The gray sweater with the turtleneck

trimmed in the little red thing.

- OK.

How about now?

Well?

- You know, I could have sworn you gave away that dress about

three years ago.

- Hello?

- Hello, Harriet?

- Oh, hello, Barbara. How are you?

- Oh, fine. Thanks.

You're not busy, are you?

- No, not a bit.

What's on your mind?

- Oh, nothing important, really.

I just wanted to tell you how lovely you looked at the PTA

the other night. - Well, thank you, Barb.

So did you.

- Oh, that was such a cute dress you were wearing.

I just loved it.

- Oh, thank you.

I just bought it the other day.

I wish Ozzie were as observant as you are.

- I guess husbands are all alike when

it comes to noticing new clothes on their wives.

- Well, Ozzie's just no help at all in that department.

Every time I ask him how I look, he just says, "Fine."

I don't know whether it's very flattering

or a little insulting.

I'm getting kind of tired of the way I've

been doing my hair lately, and I'm

afraid Ozzie won't like it if I make any drastic changes.

And yet, I just can't get him to make

any suggestions of any sort.

- Well, if it's any consolation to you,

my husband's the same way.

- Well, one of these days, I think

I'll go in and have my hair dyed a robin's egg

blue or a pale pink.

That'll fix it.

Oh, well, me too.

- Say, you know, I just thought of something.

You really want him to notice your hair?

- I certainly do.

- Of course, it's kind of a mean trick to play on poor Ozzie.

- Never mind poor Ozzie.

What is it?

- Well, I was in a play we put on up at the lake last summer,

and I played the part of a rather devastating female.

And I wore this sensational platinum blonde wig.

A bit startling, but really exotic.

- Oh, Barbara, that's a wonderful idea.

Do you still have it? - Sure, I do.

Do you think it would fit you?

- Well, we sure can find out in a hurry.

- Well, listen, why don't you stop off

at the house and you can try it on?

- Oh, that sounds wonderful.

Meanwhile, I'll get a soft pillow ready.

- Soft pillow? I don't get it.

- Well, when I walk in as a platinum blonde,

I don't want Ozzie's head to bounce when it hits the floor.

- "Even though Rocky Blackheart had a perfect alibi, somehow,

Rudolph Goodsoul suspected he was guilty."

Hmm, already read that.

- Oh, enough of this.

But keep your eye on that front door, boys.

I have a hunch something exciting

is going to happen any minute now.

- Hello, dear.

- Oh, hello, dear.

- Hi.

- Why, what the heck happened to your hair?

- Oh, I thought I'd surprise you.

Remember I said I was going to do something drastic about it?

- Well, I know, but for goodness sakes, Harriet!

- You like it?

- Well, I--

I, yi, yi!

- Well, say something.

Don't just sit there and make noises.

- Well, it's-- it's--

Just I-- I've never had a blonde wife before.

- You should be fine with that.

Lots of wives are blonde.

- Well, I know, but I mean, you're--

You're so-- so blonde.

- Well, it's platinum blonde.

You like Marilyn Monroe, and she's a platinum blonde.

- Well, yes, but I mean, you're such a sudden blonde.

I'm sitting here reading a book, and this walks in.

I mean, you know, it takes a while

for a man to get adjusted.

A man with a platinum blonde wife

has an entirely new outlook on life.

- Well, take your time.

I want your honest opinion on it.

Well, do you like it?

- Oh, it's very attractive.

It's very striking.

And how long will it take to grow out?

- Well, if you don't like it, I can always

have it dyed back to its natural color.

- Well, I didn't say that exactly.

- Oh, well, good.

I'll keep it this way then.

- Well--

- Pardon me just a second, dear.

I want to see how this looks with my other coat.

Fine thing.

Dyes her hair platinum blonde without even asking my advice.

Do I ever do anything drastic without getting her opinion

on it first?

No.

- If you were talking to someone, Oz,

they must have left.

- Oh, Thorny, you picked a very interesting time to come in.

Have you seen Harriet this afternoon?

- No, I haven't.

- Take a look in the hallway.

- Holy smokes, Oz.

- How about that?

- Hey, you better get her out of here before Harriet comes home.

- No, no, don't worry about it..

- I do, but will Harriet?

- Thorny, that is Harriet.

Take another look.

- What?

- Yes!

What have you got to say now?

- Well, I--

I, yi, yi!

- Same thing I said.

- Holy smokes.

- Hey, where are you going?

- I'm going to go back home and lock my wife in the house.

This thing may be catching.

- Hey, Mom?

Mom?

- I guess she isn't in here.

- Maybe she went downstairs.

- Here, come on, let's go.

- Holy smokes!

- What's the matter with you?

- Mom isn't here, but her hair is.

- What are you talking about?

- Look at that!

Gee, I didn't like Mom with blonde hair,

but I don't think I would like her without any.

- Don't be such a dope.

This is a wig.

I guess mom's been wearing it.

- Mom really doesn't have blonde hair, huh?

- No, she's been wearing this wig.

- Gee, I didn't know that.

- I guess Pop doesn't know it either.

- Gee, this is neat, boy.

- You better put that back.

- No worry.

How do I look?

- Oh, you're a doll, a living doll.

- Kiss me.

- Take that thing off you.

Come on.

- Did you know I'm wrestling in the main event tonight?

- Come on, let's go.

- Boy, Mom really put one over on Pop, didn't she?

- I'll say.

Boy, I bet Pop blows its top when he hears about this.

- Heck, I guess that makes them even.

Mom just flipped her wig.

Oh, oh, oh, he's a dan, dan, dandy.

We have something to tell you, Pa.

- Oh, uh, fellas, I'm kind of busy right now.

- You're not doing anything, Pop.

You're just sitting there by yourself.

- I know, but I'm thinking.

Got quite a problem on my mind.

Something requires a lot of diplomacy and tact.

- Well, this is pretty important, Pop.

- OK, what is it?

- Did you notice anything different about Mom's hair

today?

- You bet I did.

- Pretty sharp, huh?

- Did you guys like it?

- Well, there's one thing about it.

You can't miss her in a crowd.

- What was it you guys wanted to tell me?

- We got a secret we'd like to tell you.

- Oh?

What's the secret?

- Well, first, I got to tell you this story.

We went to the show the other day,

and this guy in the picture knew a secret.

And he said to this other guy, you give me $1,000,

and I'll tell you this secret.

- Just a second, Ricky.

That's blackmail or extortion or something.

- You know what this guy in the picture said?

- What did he say?

- Leace us, and let's call it a gift.

- Oh, he did, did he?

- It's still blackmail though, huh, Pop?

- Yes, it is.

I don't care what the guy in the picture

said, demanding payment for telling a secret is extortion

or blackmail or something.

Anyway, it certainly has an illegal overtone.

However, I do believe that under certain extenuating

circumstances, it is considered ethical to request

a certain modest payment in exchange

for legitimate information.

So I think I can give you boys a slight advance

on your allowance.

- Gee, that's swell.

- Thanks, Pop.

- OK, now what's the secret?

- You know this platinum blonde hair Ma's been wearing around?

- Yeah?

- Ricky and I saw it hanging in the doorknob in her bedroom.

- Hanging on the doorknob?

- Yes, sir, it's a wig.

- Well, how about that.

So your mother thought she'd put one over on me, eh?

And she almost did too, except that I

happen to have keen powers of observation and deduction

and a couple of extra dollars.

Here you are, boys.

- Thanks, Pop.

- Gee, thanks, Pop.

- And now, we're going to have a little fun at your mother's

expense.

Oh, there you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

I have a little news for you.

I think it'll make you very happy.

- Well, first of all, let me tell you something that I think

will make you very happy. - No, no, no, no.

Please, dear, allow me first.

- OK, go ahead.

- Well, I've been thinking over what you said before

about my never making any comment as to the way you

dress or the way you wear your hair.

And I've come to the conclusion you're

absolutely right, Harriet.

- Oh?

- Not only that, I've reached a definite decision

as to the new color of your hair.

- Oh, what is it?

- I think it's beautiful.

- What?

- I really do.

I mean, it gives you a whole new life, a new spark, a new joie

de vivre.

Harriet, don't ever go back to your own natural, dull-colored

hair.

Oh, you had something you wanted to tell me.

- Oh, well--

- Yes, dear?

- This isn't my own hair.

- What?

- No, let me show you.

You stay right there.

- Harriet, wait a minute.

For goodness sakes, what are you doing?

- See? It's a wig.

It comes off.

- Well, how about that.

- Look, do you mind if we have dinner late tonight?

There's a little beauty shop down around the corner

that stays open pretty late.

And if I hurry, I can make it.

- No, no, no, wait a minute.

What's the big idea?

- To have my hair bleached platinum blonde, of course.

- Oh.

- If that's the way you like it, that's

the way I'm going to wear it. - No, no, no.

Harriet, I don't like your hair platinum blonde.

I like it just the way it is.

- Oh, you're just saying that to be nice to me

and save me the trouble.

- No, honestly.

- Well, you just finished raving about me as a platinum blonde.

And I certainly think I should wear

my hair the way you like it. I'll be right back.

- No, no, no, Harriet, wait a minute.

I guess I'd better tell you the whole story.

- The whole story?

- Yes.

I knew all along that this was a wig.

The boys told me they saw it hanging

on the doorknob of the upstairs bedroom.

I just told you I like platinum blonde hair as a gag.

- Oh?

- Now, you won't get your hair dyed platinum blonde, will you?

Nature knows best, dear.

Your hair looks beautiful just the way

it is, that radiant chestnut brown.

- I never intended to bleach it.

- You didn't?

- Who do you suppose deliberately

left it hanging upstairs on the doorknob

so the boys would be sure to see it and tell you?

- Harriet?

- Yes, dear?

- You deceived me.

- It was just a gag.

Besides, I thought you like platinum blonde.

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I'll admit they are alluring, and exotic, and exciting, and--

Try this thing on again, will you?

"Even though Rocky Blackheart had a perfect alibi, somehow,

Rudolph Goodsoul suspected he was guilty."

Hmm, already read that.

Yeah.

"At times, it was positively uncanny the way

Rudolph could sense impending danger.

The way he seemed to have--"

- Ozzie?

- Yes, dear?

- Thorny's here!

- Oh, come on in, Thorny!

- Oh, hiya, Thorny.

Come on in and sit down.

- Thanks.

What's new, Oz?

- Oh, nothing much.

- Heard about the wonderful gag Harriet pulled on you.

- Yes, and I deserved it, too, Thorny.

It really taught me a very valuable lesson.

- Yeah?

What's that?

- Well, from now on, I'm going to be more observant.

I mean, a man should be more observant about his wife,

about what she wears, the way she does her hair,

the little things.

- You're going to be more observant from now on, hmm?

- Yeah, I really am, Thorny.

I mean, I've always been more or less concerned

with other things, but from now on, I'm

going to make it a point to notice every little detail,

no matter how tall it may be.

- A regular eagle eye, hmm?

- Yeah.

- Well, if you're so observant now,

how come you haven't said anything about my appearance?

I thought it was kind of funny.

- Well, to be honest with you, Thorny,

I wasn't sure it was intended as a gag.

- Why else would I wear a thing like this?

- Well, gee, I don't know.

You usually do wear pretty loud-looking neckties.

- OK, Oz, I'll see you later.

- That was one of Rudolph's most disarming characteristics.

People were constantly underestimating him,

mistaking his sly, crafty, subtle sense

of humor for boyish naivety or even plain stupidity.

- Barbara was played by Barbara Eiler.

The part of Pierre was played by Fritz Feld.

Clara was Florence Late.

Next week, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

will be brought to you by Prophylactic toothbrushes,

Listerine Tooth Paste, and Listerine, the most widely

used antiseptic in the world.