Original subtitles

- Listerine antiseptic, Listerine toothpaste,

and Prophylactic toothbrushes present

America's favorite family comedy,

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family.

Here is Ozzie, who plays the part of Ozzie Nelson.

And of course, his lovely wife Harriet as Harriet Nelson.

The older of the Nelson boys, David, appears as David Nelson.

And his younger brother, the irrepressible Ricky,

played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelsons' next door neighbor, Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

Well, let's see what's happening in the Nelson household today.

Say, Ozzie looks a little worried about something,

doesn't he?

Maybe I ought to tell you what happened about three days ago.

Harriet was sitting in the living room knitting--

Doesn't she look pretty sitting there?--

When Ozzie came in the front door.

- Hi, Harriet.

- Oh, hi.

- I got something while I was downtown.

I want you take a look at it.

Bought this little present.

- Oh, for me?

Well, no.

- Oh. Well, what is it?

For the boys? - No.

- Hey, Mom, I finished my notebook.

Excuse me, Pop.

- Well, it's fine, dear.

- It's hard work, too.

I think I did a pretty good job on it.

- I don't think you're so hot.

- Aren't you going to say hello to your father?

- Oh, hi, Pop.

I don't think you're so hot.

- Is that any way to talk to your father?

- No, I was talking to David.

- Well, will somebody please talk to me?

I've been trying to show your mother a little present here.

- Well, sorry, Pop, go right ahead.

- Well, thank you.

- Anything would be better than to listen to David

brag about his notebook.

- What do you mean?

It's a darn good notebook, even if I do say so myself.

- Well, you might as well.

Nobody else will.

- We'll se when I handed to the teacher.

- Hand it to her?

Heck, you better just drop it and run.

- Time!

Somebody please tell me what this is all about?

- Well, we had to do a notebook for our science class.

- Well, we're glad you finished it, dear,

but now your father has something he wants to show us.

It's a present he bought.

- Oh boy.

What'd you bring me, Pop?

- No, no.

This time it's for Mr. Thornberry.

Got him this little cigarette lighter.

- Oh, it's beautiful.

- Yeah, it sure is, Pop.

- His birthday's coming up and I thought he might like it.

- I didn't know you and Thorny exchanged birthday gifts.

- Well, we don't usually, but I saw this tricky little lighter,

and it looked like something he might go for.

- Oh, that's very thoughtful of you.

You going to wrap it up?

- Well, I thought I might do it up as kind of a joke.

- Why don't you give him a lighter that won't light?

That'd be a good joke.

- Well I don't think he'd quite appreciate that.

- Besides, he's probably got a couple of those now.

- You see, what I figured I'd do is

to put this little lighter in a great big box

and then mail it to him.

- Hey, that's pretty neat, Pop.

- I don't mess around, boy.

- Where are you going to get all the wrapping paper?

- I'm glad you asked that.

Remember last year around Christmastime,

your old dad was smart enough to put a lot of that Christmas

wrapping paper away in a very safe place just

in case it might come in handy for such an emergency?

- That's right. I remember that.

That was very clever of you, dear.

- Oh, thank you.

I just figured it might come in handy.

- I know.

You were right.

- Where is it, Pop?

- Oh, I, uh, stashed it away very carefully

where we can get our hands on it at any time.

- Where's that?

- Uh, well, we haven't needed it so far.

- It's right upstairs on the shelf in the closet.

- Oh, oh, you ask where it is!

Yeah, it's right upstairs on the shelf in the closet.

- I thought for a minute there you'd

forgotten where you put it.

- Oh, no, that would have been a good one.

You thought I forgot where I put it.

It's right upstairs on the shelf in the closet.

Uh, Harriet? - Yes, dear?

- Which closet?

- That was three days ago.

And now this morning, as we look in on the Nelsons again,

Ozzie is leaning across the desk with a faraway look in his eye.

- What's the matter?

- Hmm?

Oh, nothing.

I'm just leaning across the desk with a faraway look in my eye.

- Why, I know something's the matter with the way you say,

"Oh, nothing."

- Well, I just think it's strange I haven't

had any word from Thorny.

- Any word from him? Has he been away or something?

- No, I mean about the birthday present.

You remember I bought him that beautiful MacDougall lighter?

- Oh, yes.

- Gee, I spent about a half hour wrapping it

with that beautiful Christmas paper

and mailed it to him personally.

- Well, maybe he hasn't received it yet.

- Oh, of course he's received it.

I went down to the post office and mailed it myself

three days ago.

- Well, some people are a little slow about those things.

- How slow can you get?

- Well, it took you quite a while

to return his lawnmower to him.

- I brought it back last week.

- Yeah, but do you remember when you borrowed it?

- When was that?

- Well, if you must know it was--

- Oh, yes. Yes, that's right.

It was Christmas Eve.

- I thought you might've forgotten.

- How could I forget?

Remember the big laugh I got when we walked

into the Randolphs' party?

- No, I don't remember.

- Well, sure you do.

- I walked in pushing the lawnmower ahead of me.

I said, "Here we are, folks.

All ready to trim your tree"?

Besides, you can't actually say I just returned it last week.

I mean, it's been back and forth between the two

houses all summer.

- Well, I'm sure if Thorny received your present,

he'll thank you for it.

Probably just slipped his mind.

- Oh, Harriet, how can a thing like that slip your mind?

- Well, maybe he doesn't know who sent it to him.

Did you put a card in it?

- Well, sure I had a card, and I had a return address

on the outside of the package.

- Does seem strange.

- Say, wait a minute.

I just thought of a rather subtle way

to bring the subject up.

- What's that?

- Well, I'll go down and buy a pack of cigarettes.

- But you don't smoke.

- Well, that's OK.

I'll buy the cigarettes and I'll go over to Thorny's house

and I'll offer him a cigarette.

And he'll take one and when he whips out the lighter,

he's got to mention it.

- Well, doesn't that seem like a lot of trouble to go to?

- Well, just to buy a pack of cigarettes?

- Well, I know, but I didn't think you wanted to spend any

more of your hard-earned money.

- Come to think of it, I have spent quite a bit

on an ungrateful bum already.

Yeah, why should I spend more of my money on him?

You're absolutely right, Harriet.

- Thank you.

- Let me have $0.20, will you, please?

- Oh, hey, uh, Tony.

- Hi, Oz.

- What's your hurry?

You weren't trying to avoid anybody by any chance,

were you?

- Well, of course not, Oz.

Why, is there a tax collector in the neighborhood?

- You seemed to be walking rather fast there.

You going somewhere?

- Well, as a matter of fact, I was just going downtown.

- Oh.

I haven't seen you in several days--

Three, to be exact.

- Come to think of it, that's right.

- Uh, what's new?

- Well, not a thing, Oz.

What's new with you?

- Don't change the subject, Thorny.

- I'm not changing the subject.

Hey, let go of my coat, will you?

- Oh, I'm sorry, I-- I--

- Well, get out of my pocket.

What are you trying to do?

There's something very personal about a man's coat pockets.

- Well, I-I just want to see whether you had a pack

of cigarettes with you. - No, no.

I don't have any. - Oh!

Well, I happen to have a pack of cigarettes with me right here.

Would you care for one?

- Yes, yes.

- Here, uh, take two.

They're the small size.

- I'll smoke them later.

- If you don't mind, I'd rather you'd smoke one now.

- Say, what are you trying to do?

Give me the nose test or something?

- Thorny, I hate to be as blunt as this,

but isn't there something on your mind?

Something you'd like to tell me?

- What do you mean, Oz?

- Well, I mean, isn't there something

you'd like to thank me for?

- Oh ho ho, Oz, how stupid of me.

Of course there is.

Gee, I thought you were acting kind of funny,

and here all along you want to know why I didn't mention it.

- Oh, no, no, no, that's OK, Thorny, forget it.

- How could I apologize?

- Oh, don't apologize, old pal.

It was a pleasure.

- Well, it was just one of those things that kind of slipped

my mind, because I haven't had an occasion to use it lately.

You understand. - Oh, sure.

- You know, during the winter months

the grass doesn't grow long enough for me

to use the lawnmower.

Thank you for returning it, Oz, and I'll see you later.

- Listen, wait a minute, Thorny!

- Look, I hate to be rude, but I've got to be running along.

Now, I'll see you later, Oz.

- What's the matter, Pop?

- Oh, hi, fellows.

- Who were you talking to?

- Apparently, the only friend I have left in the world--

Myself.

- We're your friends.

- Sure, Pop.

- Oh, yes, I know.

- Even though you are our father.

- Thanks a lot, boys.

- What's the matter, Pop?

- Well, I don't want to bore you guys with my problems.

You probably have enough troubles of your own.

- I sure have one, I'll tell you that much.

- Oh? What's your problem, Dave?

- Well, you know that notebook I handed in for science class?

- Oh, yeah. I thought it was swell.

- Yeah, so did I. But the teacher gave me a D on it.

Is that all?

- Yeah.

I worked real hard on it, too.

Pasted in all those pictures.

I was wondering if she could have made a mistake on it.

- Well, it's always possible.

- Sure wish I could find out.

- Well, that's easy.

Why just go up to her and ask her?

It's not going to cost you anything.

- It may cost him his life.

- Ricky, teachers don't bite, you know.

- No, but you sure get terrible marks from them.

- I can't understand it.

I worked so hard on this thing, and made all those drawings,

and she gives me a D on it.

- Well, David, sometimes it's hard to figure out

what goes on in people's minds.

Here I go down and buy an expensive MacDougall lighter,

wrap it as a beautiful gift, I don't even

get a word of thanks.

That gosh darn Thornberry!

- Gosh darn teacher!

- That gosh darn Iggy Schwartz.

- Iggy Schwartz?

I thought he was your best friend.

- He is.

- Well, what are you mad at him for?

- Well, heck, a guy has to be mad at somebody around here

to keep from getting lonesome.

- Hi, Pop.

- Oh, hi, Rick.

- Are you still mad at Mr. Thornberry?

- Well, no.

I never was mad at him.

- Well, you sure sounded like it.

- No, I admit I was a little upset there for a while.

But I've gotten over it.

- Oh, boy.

That's swell.

- Well, why are you so happy?

- Mrs. Thornberry's baking some chocolate cake today

and she asked me to have some of it.

- What's this?

- Oh, we were just discussing Thorny.

- Are you still grumbling about that?

- No, Harriet, I'm not grumbling.

I've decided to be philosophical about it.

I'm certainly not going to let any silly cigarette lighter

spoil our friendship.

- Well, now, that makes some sense.

After all, Thorny has a lot of fine qualities about him.

He's honest, he's a good friend, and he's a good neighbor.

- Mrs. Thornberry's a swell cook, too.

- After all, what's so wonderful about a cigarette lighter?

Certainly nothing to get excited about.

- Although, come to think of it, it

is a pretty darn nice present to give somebody.

- He'll probably thank you for it sooner or later.

And maybe it's just one of his little practical jokes.

- Well, Harriet, I really don't care one way or another.

I don't care if he ever thanks me for it.

In fact, I feel silly even discussing the thing.

Let's just change the subject, shall we?

- Hm, fine with me.

Have you done any of your Christmas shopping yet?

- Some of it.

I've got my list all made out.

- Fine.

He's probably got a lot on his mind right now.

- Who?

- Well, Thorny.

I know there's some reason why he hasn't mentioned it.

- I thought we weren't going to talk about that.

- Yes, we are.

I just didn't want you to think I was still brooding about it.

- Ok, dear.

- You know, it could be that he's

just embarrassed because he didn't buy me

a birthday present.

I mean, that could put a guy in quite a spot.

I buy him this beautiful birthday present,

and he didn't even take the trouble to get one for me.

- Yes, there's a possibility of that.

- Strange.

- What's the matter?

- Why didn't he buy me a birthday present?

- He probably forgot about it.

- Yes, just the same as he forgot

to thank me for the beautiful lighter I bought for him.

However, that isn't important.

He's a good neighbor.

- Certainly.

- Sometimes we have to overlook these little annoying habits

in friends.

Nobody's perfect.

I'm sure I have some bad faults of my own.

- Certainly.

- Name one.

Never mind.

We're discussing Thorny.

- And you were being philosophical about it.

- Yes, that's right.

Outside of being rather forgetful and rather

impolite and rude at times, he's a wonderful person.

Has a lot of fine qualities.

- Certainly.

- Name one.

- Well, he's a good friend.

- If he were a good friend, he would have thanked me

for the present I gave him.

- Well, I'm only repeating what you said when

you were being philosophical.

- Well, I guess I'm just not a philosopher.

This thing is beginning to get me down.

- Well, Ozzie, it just isn't that important.

- Well, I'm trying.

I've made a lot of excuses for the man,

but frankly, Harriet, they failed to convince me.

- Oh, hi, Dave. - Hi there.

- Thanks a lot for the swell advice you gave me, Pop.

You sure were right.

- Well, what advice is that?

- About the D I got on my notebook.

- Oh, did you go see your teacher?

- Yes, sir.

She said it was all a big mistake.

She said I shouldn't have got a D at all.

- You mean you should have got an F?

- No, sir.

She gave me an A.

- Oh, that's wonderful!

What happened?

- Well, see, there are two guys in our class named Nelson,

and the D was for David, but my mark was an A.

- Well, that was a pleasant surprise.

- It sure was.

I sure am glad I went up and asked her about it.

- Well, that's the sensible way.

These things usually turn out to be some little mistake

or misunderstanding.

- Well, now, let me get this straight--

You mean you recommend walking up to a person and asking him

about what's bothering you?

Some misunderstanding?

- Well, now just a second, Harriet.

This thing with Thorny is entirely different.

- Well, I don't know why the same advice shouldn't apply.

Why don't you try it and see?

- Boys?

I'm not going to go over to Thorny's.

I want to say I'm not going over to Thorny's.

I'll be right back.

- Oh, hi, Oz.

- Oh, hi, Thorny.

- Looking for me?

- Well, as long as you're here, yes, I

would kind of like to have a little talk with you.

- Oh, come on in the house.

- No, thanks.

If you don't mind, I'd rather stay out here.

Why don't we just sit down here on the steps and talk?

It's a pleasant evening.

- Well, if you say so.

Wait, I'll get my coat.

All righty.

What's on your mind, Oz?

- Let me preface this by saying I've always

considered you a good friend and a good neighbor.

- Oz, I'll be happy to lend you anything but money.

- No, no, no, this isn't a touch, Thorny.

- Oh, sorry.

What is it, then?

- Well, as I was saying, we've had some wonderful times

together, you and I, Thorny.

- Yes, we have.

- I like you, Thorny.

- Well, I like you too, Oz.

- I can say you're a swell guy.

I value our friendship more than words can say,

- Are you sure this isn't a touch?

- No, no, I told you.

This is not a touch.

- You're getting awfully mushy for just a social visit.

- Well, I'll get right to the point.

Several days ago-- Three to be exact--

I went downtown and I purchased a small but rather attractive

present.

I brought this present home and I wrapped it

in some beautiful paper that I've

been saving ever since last Christmas

for just such a special occasion.

I brought it over to the post office and I mailed it, Thorny.

I mailed it to you.

- Oh!

Was it a large, square box done in red green paper?

- Yes.

- Oh, sure.

I got that yesterday.

- You got it yesterday?

- Yeah.

- That's all you have to say?

You received it yesterday?

- Well, what else do you want me to say?

- Thorny, to put it very bluntly,

has it occurred to you you haven't even bothered

to thank me for the present?

- Well, I planned to thank you, Oz, at the proper time.

- What do you mean, "at the proper time"?

- Well, right on the bottom of the box,

it says in plain letters, "Do not open until Christmas."

- "Do not open until Christmas"?

Sure, right on the bottom of the box.

It's a pretty dirty trick, too, Oz, to send it so early.

You know I haven't got much willpower.

- Thorny!

Gee, I owe you an apology.

- Oh, think nothing of it, Oz.

You can feel free to send me presents anytime.

- No, no, you don't understand.

See, I thought you'd already opened it.

- Well, I'm not supposed to open it till Christmas.

- Yeah, yes. I know.

- It is a Christmas present, isn't it?

- Say--

- I said, it is a Christmas present, isn't it?

- Oh.

Well, you saw what it said on the sticker.

- Hey, wait a minute, Oz, you sly old dog.

I bet you set that up for a birthday present.

- Uh, well-- no, now not so fast, Thorny.

- Oh, Oz, you shouldn't have done it.

- No, no, now wait a minute.

It was sort of a combination--

Yes, that's good-- a combination birthday and Christmas present.

- A combination present?

- Well, yes.

You see, your birthday comes so close to Christmas,

it makes it very handy.

- Well, OK, Oz, if that's what you say, but--

- Well, isn't that all right?

- Well, sure. Sure, Oz.

If you don't want to give me a birthday present,

it's OK with me.

- Well, you said yourself I shouldn't have done it.

- Yeah, but since you've already done it,

you don't have to try to weasel out of it.

- I'm not trying to weasel out of anything, Thorny.

I think it's a very nice present.

- I know, Oz.

It's a beautiful lighter.

- Well, then--

How do you know it's a lighter?

- Well, when I was putting it away,

I accidentally tore a core of the paper.

And then just a little later on, I accidentally

tore the lid off the box.

- Thorny, it said very distinctly,

"Do not open until Christmas"!

- Yeah, it's a pretty dirty trick putting that

on a man's birthday present.

- Who said it was a birthday present?

- You did.

- I said nothing of the sort.

I said it was a combination birthday and Christmas present.

- Oh, Oz, you know very well you sent that to me

as a birthday present.

- The sticker said very distinctly,

"Do not open until Christmas"!

- Put a sticker on my birthday present,

then you get sore because I don't thank you for it.

- Who's getting sore?

I merely came over here to get everything straightened out.

- To get what straightened out?

- This business about the--

I don't know.

You've got me so confused now, I don't

know what I'm talking about.

I think I'll go home anyway.

You're in such a belligerent mood.

- Who's in a belligerent mood?

You started this argument!

- I didn't start any argument.

I'm not arguing mood.

- Well, then, stop being such a sorehead.

- Who's the sorehead?

I'm very happy.

- So am I. - Fine.

Good night.

- Good night.

- Happy Birthday and a Merry Christmas.

- The same to you.

- I still don't understand what happened.

- Harriet, please, I'd rather not talk about it.

The whole thing was very disillusioning,

let's put it that way.

- Well, suit yourself, dear.

- It said right on the package, "Do not open until Christmas"!

- Yes, but you didn't know that.

- Nevertheless, the man thought it was a Christmas present,

and yet he deliberately opened it and claimed

it was a birthday present.

You ask me, I think that shows a definite lack of character.

- But you did send it to him for his birthday.

- Nevertheless, Harriet, he thought

it was a Christmas present, and it would have been much easier

to let it go at that.

You know yourself we've never exchanged birthday presents

before.

- Come on in, Thorny.

- I may not even talk to him.

- Hello, Harriet.

- Hello, Thorny.

Hi, Oz.

- Hi, Thorny.

- If you boys will excuse me, I'll get dinner ready.

- Oz, I came over to apologize.

- Oh, forget it, Thorny.

- Gee, I don't know what got into me.

I seem to get these mean streaks every now and then.

But I want you to know I think the lighter is swell

and I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

- It's OK, Thorny.

I'm glad you like it.

- I want you to know I'm sorry the way I acted.

I was a cad.

- Oh, stop it, Thorny.

It's forgotten.

- Bless you, Oz.

You're a good friend.

I really like you and I want you to know I value our friendship

far more than I can say.

- Gee, thanks, Thorny.

- Well, I guess I'll be running along now.

I want to see if there's anything in the refrigerator

tonight for my dinner.

Probably be some cold cuts or something.

- Oh, isn't Katherine home?

- No.

She and the children are spending the night

with her mother.

- Oh.

- Oh, now, forget it, Oz.

I wouldn't think of imposing on you.

I'll find plenty to eat.

Don't you worry, Oz.

Besides, it won't hurt me to go hungry for one night.

I said, it won't hurt me to go hungry for one night.

- Oh, yes, yes, I heard you, Thorny.

- Oh.

Oh, boy.

Something really smells good.

- Mm.

Yes, it does, doesn't it?

- Well, I guess I'll be running along, Oz.

Gee, you better help me up.

I don't think I can make it.

I'm a little weak.

- OK, Thorny, you're invited for dinner.

- Oh no, Oz, I can't.

- You can't what?

- I can't turn down your very kind invitation.

Hey, Harriet, when do we eat?

- Hadn't you better get up to bed, young fella?

- OK, Mom, I will.

- Where's David?

- He's in the den watching television.

- Oh.

- I sure am glad Pop and Mr. Thornberry are good friends

again.

- Oh, I'm sure they were never anything else, dear.

- It sure was a good dinner, Mom.

- Thank you.

Your father certainly enjoyed it.

- So did Mr. Thornberry.

- I should say so.

They each had about three helpings.

- You know, Pop and Mr. Thornberry are an awful lot

alike, aren't they, Mom?

- Yes, they are.

Sometimes amazingly so.

- Well, good night, Mom.

- Good night, dear.

- Will you tell Pop good night?

- Yes, I will.

- And Mr. Thornberry, too.

- All right, dear.

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- Be sure to tune in again next week,

when Hotpoint Quality Appliances presents

America's favorite family comedy, "The Adventures

of Ozzie and Harriet," starring the entire Nelson family:

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky.