Original subtitles

- Does that music remind you of the ballet?

It's supposed to.

Our story tonight is about the ballet,

with an occasional reference to Listerine, of course.

- Oh, of course.

- Naturally.

- What else?

- Listerine antiseptic and Listerine toothpaste

present America's favorite family comedy, "The Adventures

of Ozzie and Harriet," starring the entire Nelson family:

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky.

So settle back in your easy chairs

and enjoy another delightful half-hour with all the Nelsons.

Ozzie Nelson, of course, plays the part

of the head of the Nelson household, Ozzie.

And here is his lovely wife Harriet Nelson,

who keeps the family on an even keel.

Hello, Harriet.

The smiling young teenager we now see

is David Nelson, older of the two Nelson boys,

and played by David Nelson.

And here we have the youngest of the Nelsons,

the little guy with the twinkle in his eye,

Ricky Nelson, played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelson's next-door neighbor, Mr. Thornberry,

better known as Ozzie's pal Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

Oh.

Good morning, officer.

- Morning.

- It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

- Yes, certainly is.

- Well, I don't want to keep you any longer.

I imagine you're anxious to get back on your beat.

- Oh, this is my beat, right here.

- Oh.

Well, how have things been this morning?

Kind of quiet?

- Oh, yes.

So far.

- Oh.

Well, that's fine.

I'm afraid you won't find that fire hydrant very comfortable.

- For goodness sakes!

Why, somebody must have pushed my car right up

in front of this fireplug.

Officer, I want you to take a look at this.

- Yes, I've already seen it, thanks.

- It makes you wonder, what in the world

would prompt a person to do a devilish thing like this?

To push a man's car right up in front of a fireplug?

- Well, people do some strange things sometimes.

As a matter of fact, I've never given a man

a ticket for parking in front of a fireplug.

- Oh, well, that's a mighty nice attitude, officer,

a mighty nice attitude.

- You didn't let me finish.

- Oh, I beg your pardon.

You were saying?

- I've never given a ticket to a man for parking

in front of a fireplug who didn't

insist that he was pushed there, not in your words,

you understand? - No, no, no!

Of course.

It's just that the innocent have to suffer along

with the guilty.

Not suffer, exactly, but suffer the embarrassment

of having the police officer point out

that the car is illegally parked and requesting

the innocent party not to do it again,

or he's liable to get a ticket.

- Well, yeah.

- The whole thing is very embarrassing for all concerned.

- Well, these things are understandable sometimes.

I suppose you were standing in line for a ticket

to the ballet.

It's really been a sell-out this year.

- Oh, I didn't realize so many people were

interested in the ballet.

- Oh, yes, you'd be surprised.

As a matter of fact, I never went in for it much myself

until I was put on this beat a week ago.

Now I'm what you might call a regular fan.

- Oh, then you've seen the show?

- Every night.

You know, you really have to be in top physical condition

to put on a performance like they do night after night.

- Oh, I imagine it's pretty strenuous, jumping up and down

and hopping around the way they do.

- I should say it is.

And yet, it's amazing how few people

realize the true perfection of the ballet.

Each dancer is a magnificently trained athlete.

It's an inspiring spectacle to behold.

- Oh, yes, I imagine it is.

Although, frankly, I've never given it much thought.

You know, it's one of those things

that you just don't give much thought to.

- Oh, you're really going to enjoy it.

How many tickets did you get?

- Oh, uh, no, I don't think you understand.

You see, I didn't come down to-- uh,

that is not that I wouldn't enjoy having a couple

of tickets, but, uh, there's quite a line here and I don't--

- Then you didn't get your tickets yet?

- No.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to forgo the pleasure.

- Well, I couldn't let you do a thing like that, Mr. uh--

- Uh, fireplug.

Uh, sorry.

Nelson.

- Oh, watch those Freudian slips, Mr. Nelson.

- I don't know what brought that to my ticket-- uh, to my mind,

I mean.

- Tell you what I'm going to do, Mr. Nelson.

I don't want you to miss that ballet,

so I'm going to insist that you take a couple of tickets

I have right here.

- Oh, now wait a minute.

I couldn't do a thing like that.

- Now, now, now, don't you try to thank me.

I'd be a fine one to let you go home empty-handed after you

came all the way down and parked right in front here just to get

a ticket, uh, to the ballet.

- Oh, yes.

Well, what is your wife going to say when you come home

without the tickets? - She'll be tickled to death.

She's chairman of the committee selling them.

- Oh, fine.

- Here you are.

That's $2.50 apiece.

- Oh.

Say, you've got quite a stack there, haven't you?

- You should have seen them before I noticed that fireplug.

- Is that right? $5?

- Yep, that's right. And thank you very much.

I know you're really going to enjoy it.

- Well, I'm sure I will. Thanks a lot.

I'll be seeing you, officer.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Hope to see you next month.

- Uh, next month?

But I thought this was tonight and tomorrow night.

- That's right.

Next month is the policeman's ball.

- Hello, Harriet, honey.

- Oh, hi, Clara. Come on in.

- Oh, I can only stay a minute.

I'm on the warpath today, and that's the honest truth.

- Oh, it can't be as bad as all that.

Come on in.

Sit down and tell me about it.

- Hmm, you wait till you hear.

Last night, out of the clear sky,

what did this husband of mine do but come

waltzing into the house with two tickets for the ballet?

- Well, that sounds wonderful.

- That's what I thought at first.

- I wish I could get Ozzie to go.

I've been trying to for years.

- Oh, you won't have any trouble this year, honey.

I'll bet every man in town is there,

and that's the honest truth. - Well, for goodness sakes.

Why?

- I just found out myself a half an hour ago.

What do you think the name of the ballet is this year?

- I don't think I've heard.

- Hold your breath, honey.

It's called "Escapades Along the Riviera."

The whole thing takes place on the beach in France.

Can't you just imagine what that ballet is going to be like?

- Well, it sounds like it's going to be very interesting.

- Maybe so, but you know those French girls

with their ooh la la's and everything.

They're of age and they've got a bathing suit.

I hope so.

It certainly sounds like an unusual ballet, though.

- Wait till I see that husband of mine.

Thinks he's so smart.

Got tickets in the second row.

I should have known there was something

fishy about the whole thing the minute he told me.

- Well, now why do you say that?

- Well, for one thing, he came in

with some fantastic story about a policeman

practically forcing him to buy the tickets.

- Well, Clara, maybe it was the truth.

- That's what I thought, until Mary Peabody told me

her husband came home with the same story.

- Well, I'll admit it doesn't have much originality,

but I wouldn't let it worry me.

- Mary seems to think they got together and made

the whole thing up.

- Sounds like an awful lot of trouble to go to.

This must be quite a show.

- Well, whatever it is, Joe's not going to see it,

and that's the honest truth.

- Oh, I wouldn't let it bother me, Clara.

- I bet you wouldn't talk like that if Ozzie came waltzing

in with a couple of tickets.

- I'm afraid there's not much chance of that.

I can't even get him out to see a movie lately.

I made the mistake of buying him a couple of good books

last week, and good night, I can't get him out of the chair.

- I think I'll buy Joe some books.

He can read them while he's lying there in the hospital.

- Bye, Clara.

- Uh, Harriet?

- I'm in here.

- Oh, hi, dear.

- Hi.

How'd you like a sandwich for lunch?

- Oh, that'll be fine.

I have a little surprise for you.

- Oh, good for you.

- Don't you want to ask me what it is?

- OK, dear.

What is it?

- No, no, not so fast.

It's going to be a real surprise.

- Well, come on. Tell me.

- When you hear about this, you're going to dance with joy.

You know how you're always after me to take you to something

cultural and artistic?

- No, but go on.

- Well, you'll never guess where we're going tonight.

It's cultural, and you'll love it.

A fella started telling me about it downtown,

and I just couldn't resist buying two tickets.

- I see.

- You'll have to be on your toes to guess it.

- You've got two tickets to the ballet?

- How did you guess it?

- From that eager look in your eye.

- You should have seen the crowd standing in line for tickets.

It must be a sellout.

Why are you looking at me so funny?

- When are you going to tell me about the policeman?

- Well, how did you know about the pol--

- That's what happened, isn't it?

A policeman practically forced you to buy the tickets?

- Well, yes. How did you know?

- Honestly now, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

- Well, no, not especially.

Why should I be?

- Why didn't you come right out and tell me

why you bought the tickets?

- Well, Harriet, you're making a big deal out of nothing.

I was going to tell you, but you didn't give me the chance.

- All I heard was a lot of talk about culture.

- Well, Harriet, this is ridiculous.

In the first place, what difference

does it make why I bought the tickets?

The important thing is I've got two wonderful seats,

right in the front row.

- In the front row?

- Yes.

I understand this is not only a ballet,

it's practically an athletic exhibition.

- Well, that's just dandy.

- Hey!

Where are you going with my sandwich?

- Your sandwich? This is mine.

You make one for yourself

- Well, tell me one thing.

Do you want to see the ballet or don't you?

- Frankly, no.

- OK, that's fine with me.

I'll sit home and wade my way through some

of those dull books you got me a couple of weeks ago.

- Oh, that won't be necessary.

I'll be going downtown a little later,

and I'll bring you back a copy of "The Police Gazette,"

L"a Vie Parisienne," and "Captain Willy's Biz Bang."

- "Captain Billy's Whiz Bang."

Gee whiz.

Come on in, Thorny.

- Hi, Oz.

- Hiya, Thorny.

Sure timed this perfectly.

How about something to eat?

- Oh, no thanks, Oz.

Couldn't eat a thing.

Just finished a big lunch. - Really?

Wouldn't like just maybe a Toll House cookie

and a glass of milk?

- Well, if you insist, I guess I can nibble on one or two

to keep you company.

What's the matter?

You seem a little on the worried side today.

- Well, Thorny, sometimes I just don't understand women.

- They're not difficult to understand

once you realize they're impossible to understand.

- Harriet's sure is impossible to understand sometimes.

I come home with two tickets to the ballet today,

and how do you think she shows her gratitude?

- She makes you go with her.

- No!

I was perfectly willing to go with her.

She seems to be more interested in why I bought the tickets.

For years now, she's been trying to get me to take her

to something like this, so when I finally bring home tickets,

she doesn't want to go.

- Yeah?

What do you plan on doing with the tickets?

- I don't know.

Do you want them?

- Well, it all depends on how much you're asking for them.

It has to be within my price range.

- They're free.

- Free, huh?

Is that for two?

- Yeah, that's for two.

Is that within your price range?

- That's the exact amount I had in mind.

- I've got them right here, Thorny.

Here you are.

- Thanks, Oz.

Hope they're good seats.

You want to be sure to get your money's worth.

- Oh, they're very good.

They're in the front row.

- OK.

Remember now, you gave them to me.

- Well, certainly.

I'm not an Indian giver. - Good.

I'm glad to hear it.

So it's agreed that the tickets now belong to me.

- You don't have to put them in that safety deposit vault,

you know.

I'm not going to steal them away from you.

- Well, I guess it's OK to let you in on the news.

Evidently, you don't know what the ballet's about.

- What do you mean what it's about?

- Well, it's called "Escapades along the Riviera,"

and it takes place in France on the beach.

The French beach, Oz.

- Wait a minute.

You mean to say there's going to be

a lot of French girls dancing around in scanty bathing suits?

What kind of a ballet do you call that?

- Well, pretty darn good, if you ask me.

I understand they even sell chocolates between the acts.

- Holy smokes, Thorny.

This is terrible.

No wonder Harriet acted so funny when

I brought the tickets home.

She probably thinks I wanted to see the show just

to see this Riviera thing.

Now she'll never believe that I really

wanted to see the ballet.

How am I going to explain this to Harriet?

Well, very simple.

Be honest with her.

Explain that you have no idea what

it was like, that you wouldn't think of going to see anything

like that.

- Well, and then what?

- Well, if you can get out tonight,

I'll take you to the ballet.

Ridiculous. - Oh, come on, Oz.

Be my guest.

Some sucker gave me his tickets.

- Aren't you going to take Catherine?

- Well, I'm afraid she doesn't quite appreciate the finer

things like that.

- "Escapades Along the Riviera."

Imagine that.

- I don't have to imagine it.

I'm going to see it, and from the front row, too.

- I'll just have to figure out some way of explaining this

to Harriet, maybe ought to soften her up first.

Yeah, I'll think I'll go down to the drugstore

and buy her a nice big box of candy.

Would you like to go along with me?

- Oh, I haven't got time.

I've got to get slicked up for the ballet.

- Well, if Catherine finds out about this,

she's liable to unslick you.

- Don't worry about that.

Catherine's a very broad-minded woman.

On a good day, she's very reasonable and intelligent.

- Well, I'll see you later then, Thorny.

I'll go down and buy the candy.

- Oh, wait a minute, Oz.

On second thought, I think I will go.

I think I'll buy a box for Catherine, too.

This is liable to be one of her bad days.

- Hello?

- Hello, Harriet.

Guess who.

- I give up.

Who is it? - It's Clara!

Clara Randolph!

- Well, for goodness sakes, Clara.

You could have fooled me.

- Yeah, I was using my throaty voice.

It fools everybody.

- What's on your mind?

Who are you calling about?

- Well, please forgive me, honey.

It might sound a little silly, but I'm practically

in hysterics.

It's the funniest thing I ever heard of,

and that's the honest truth.

- What is it?

- Joe went downtown, found out a little bit more

about the ballet.

Now, listen to this, it'll kill ya!

- Go ahead.

I'm listening.

- Well, it does take place in France.

It is on the beach.

But the date of the thing is 1870.

And the girls will be wearing bathing suits.

But, honey, did you ever see pictures

of bathing suits in 1870?

The dancers will have on more clothes than the audience.

- Oh, well, that's wonderful.

- Isn't this great?

Joe phoned a little while ago, wanted

to know if I wouldn't rather go bowling tonight.

I wish you could have seen his face.

Come to think of it, I wish I could have seen his face.

- Are you going to make him take you to the ballet?

- Oh, you bet I am.

You know, Harriet, you can fool some of the people all

the time, and you can fool all the people so-- some

of the-- some of the people--

Some of the-- well, whatever it is, it's the honest truth,

and that's the honest truth.

- Goodbye, Clara.

And thanks for the news.

- Harriet?

Oh, hello, fellas. Have you seen your mother?

- Hiya, Pop. - She went downtown.

- Oh. - Who's the candy for?

- Oh, I bought this for your mother.

- How come mom's mad at you?

- Oh, you might be mistaken, Dave.

Don't you think I can buy a box of candy for your mother

without having an ulterior motive?

- What does that mean exactly, Pop?

- That means I bought the candy for your mother.

It's true we did have a slight misunderstanding,

but usually I find a box of candy and an explanation

straightens everything out.

- Well, why don't you give mom the explanation

and give us the candy?

- I will not.

- We don't get anything.

If we can't have the candy, how about an explanation?

- What is there for me to explain?

- Explain why we can't have the candy.

- You can't have the candy because I bought it

for your mother.

- What was the misunderstanding about, Pop?

- Well, I came home with a couple of tickets

for the ballet.

- The ballet?

- Heck, that's sissy stuff.

- It is not sissy stuff.

A lot of men go to the ballet.

At least a lot of men will be going tonight.

- How come mom's mad at you?

Didn't she like the ballet?

- Well, yes, but the feminine mind

is a very weird and complicated machine.

- Like an airplane, huh, Pop?

- Yes, without a pilot.

- I find that women are sometimes

very difficult to understand.

- I'll say.

There's this new girl in school and I can't understand her.

- What do you mean?

- Well, she's different from the other girls.

- Different? In what way?

- She doesn't like me.

- Oh, do most of the girls in school like you?

- Oh, sure.

They all do.

They think I'm cute.

- Oh, Ricky, stop bragging.

You're not cute at all.

- I don't know.

I was looking in the mirror today and I'm not bad.

- Well, good for you.

- You make me sick.

- Oh, yeah?

I suppose there's no bow tie in "pretty sharp."

- Well, look, fellas, one argument in the house

is enough for today, huh?

- Yeah.

How come mom doesn't want to go to the ballet?

- Well, this year, the ballet is going to be rather--

Well, I don't think you'd understand.

Yes, maybe you would.

- Go ahead, Pop.

- Well, this year, the ballet is going to take place

on the beach in France.

- So what?

- I guess you wouldn't understand.

- Oh, there's Mom.

- Oh, yeah.

Look, fellas, I'd kind of like to talk to your mother alone.

Would you guys go outside and have some fun?

- Well, heck.

I think it'll be more fun in here.

- Oh, Ricky, don't be so nosy.

- Hello, dear.

- Hi.

I have something for you.

Surprise!

You knew I was going to get them for you.

You see, I bought you a box of candy, some Riviera mince--

Riviera?

- Thank you very much, dear.

- And, Harriet, I just found out what the Riviera

ballet is really all about.

Thorny told me.

- Oh.

- And honestly, dear, if I'd known it before,

I never would have bought the tickets.

- Well, at least you're honest about it.

- It doesn't interest me anymore now.

I'm glad you don't want to go.

Who wants to go see a show with a bunch of girls dancing around

with skimpy bathing suits on?

- Oh.

Oh, of course!

Girls in skimpy bathing suits.

The Riviera number.

- I'd much rather sit home here and relax

with a couple of those delightful books

that you got me for our anniversary.

- Ozzie, why don't we go to the ballet?

- You mean you'd like to?

- Yeah, I think we might enjoy it.

- Well, like I say, I don't care for that sort of stuff,

but I could be talked into it.

I mean, if you want to go-- and, say, haven't we better hurry?

They'll be quite a crowd there, I understand.

Well, it's only 4:00.

The ballet doesn't start until 1870-- uh, 8:30.

- Oh, oh.

- What kind of seats do we have?

- Well, don't you remember?

I told you they're wonderful seats.

I was telling Thorny--

- What's the matter?

- Holy smokes.

I gave our tickets to Thorny.

- Oh, that's all right, dear.

I have two more right here in my bag.

- Well, don't tell me that same policeman passed some off

on you.

- No, his wife did.

He went out for lunch.

- Had me worried there for a minute.

I was afraid we were going to have to miss it.

I know you're looking forward to seeing it.

- Oh, I wouldn't miss this show for the world.

- What are you giggling about?

- Oh, nothing.

It's just my fiendish sense of humor, I guess.

- Well, what do you mean?

- Dear, did you know that this whole ballet

takes place in 1870?

- 1870?

- Uh, and do you know what the bathing

suits looked like in 1870?

- No, I don't think I do.

When did Clara tell you about this?

- Oh, she phoned me a little--

How did you know Clara told me?

- Well she is the local pony express, isn't she?

- As a matter of fact, she didn't tell me.

Joe found out and called her.

She was going to make him stay home tonight,

but now she's insisting he go to the ballet.

- Oh, poor old Joe.

- Yeah, poor old Ozzie, too.

You're not going to worm out of it.

- Well, of course not.

I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, by the way, Joe said to give you his best regards.

- Joe Randolph?

- Yeah, I met him down at the drugstore.

He was buying a box of candy for Clara.

- Well, what for?

She isn't mad at him.

- No, but he figures she will be when she sees the ballet

and finds out the little trick he played on her.

- You mean that Joe deliberately made up that 1870 business?

- Let me see if I can remember his exact words.

He said, "There's more than one way to bag a cat,

and I do mean Clara."

- Well, there's really not much more

to tell you in our story for tonight.

Oh, you might be interested to know

that Ozzie and I went to the ballet

and enjoyed it tremendously.

The Thornberrys were there, and the Randolphs.

Just about everybody in town.

Oh, and there's one more thing you might get a kick out of.

The very next day, Ozzie went downtown again,

and who do you think he met?

OK, whom do you think he met?

He was walking down that very same street.

- Oh. hello there, officer. - Oh, hello.

Oh, you're the fella I sold the tickets to yesterday.

- Yes.

Say, my wife and I took in the show last night.

We thought it was great. - Well, that's fine.

- You sell many tickets today?

- No.

I'm being transferred to the West Side Arena beat now.

Wrestling every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

- Oh, good. - You like wrestling?

- Yes, I enjoy an exhibition every now and then.

- Well, my brother is half owner of the place.

I have some tickets if you--

- Oh, thanks a lot.

I came down on the bus today.

- Oh.

Well, any time you want to avoid the line, just look me up.

I'll be right on the corner.

- Well, you bet I will.

- Say, as a matter of fact, it's getting late.

I'd better get over there now. Could I give you a lift?

- Oh, I don't want to put you in any trouble.

- No trouble at all. Come on.

- Well, this is very nice of you, officer.

- That's perfectly-- Oh, just a moment.

- Something the matter?

- Yes, I don't want to forget this.

- Oh, by the way, just in case there are any police officers

viewing the program, we want you to know

that we're only kidding.

No, honestly, we are, fellas.

We're only kidding.

Scout's honor.

We're just fooling.

- Clara Randolph was played by Florence Lake.

Herb Vigran was the policeman.

Next week, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky--

Will be brought to you by Hotpoint Quality Appliances.

Remember, look to Hotpoint for the finest first.