Original subtitles

- Oh, for goodness sakes.

Who put the football helmet in Mrs. Nelson's refrigerator?

- Oh, that's mine.

- What's the big idea?

- Hotpoint keeps everything nice and cold.

- Well, what about it?

- I'm quarterback in a big game tomorrow.

I'm going to keep a cool head.

Hotpoint Quality Appliances

presents America's favorite family comedy, "The Adventures

of Ozzie and Harriet," starring the entire Nelson family.

Here is Ozzie, who plays the part of Ozzie Nelson.

And, of course, his lovely wife, Harriet, as Harriet Nelson.

The older of the Nelson boys, David, appears as David Nelson.

And his younger brother, the irrepressible Ricky,

played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelson's next-door neighbor, Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

- Come on in, Thorny.

- Morning, Oz.

- Hiya, boy.

- Say, Oz, I, uh, hope you don't mind if we don't shake hands

this morning. - Shake hands?

What are you talking about?

- Well, it's just that I got to keep my hands in my pockets.

It'd be disastrous if I took them out.

Holy smoke, take a look at that.

Well, I guess I'll have to take my belt in a couple more

notches.

- Gee, it looks like you're losing a little weight there,

doesn't it?

- What'd you say?

- Well, you don't have to get sore.

- I'm not sore, Oz, honest. But you said it looks like what?

- I just said it looks like you're losing a little weight.

- That's exactly what I thought you said.

Here you are.

Sign, right there.

- What's the gag?

- There's no gag.

And if you can't write, just make an X. But

be sure you sign your name on it, so I'll know who made it.

- Well, wait a minute.

I want to read what I sign.

This looks like a petition or something.

Joe Randolph and Herb Dunkle?

What are their names doing here?

- Well, the same thing yours will be doing.

It'll testify that you, Ozzie Nelson, being of sound mind

and body, have noticed that I look definitely slimmer

and more satisfying to the eye.

Just sign it, Oz.

- Oh, this is the silliest thing I ever heard.

What's the big idea?

- Well, it's really very simple, Oz.

Catherine and I are on a diet to see

who could look slimmer faster.

- Well, can't you do that without a note

from your parents?

- I just want to win a small bet, Oz,

to see who can get the most unsolicited compliments.

Now, come on, Oz, be a pal and sign it.

- Well, OK.

- All righty.

And here's your carbon copy.

Thanks, Oz.

- Uh, wait a minute.

I still don't get it.

Aren't you going through an awful lot of trouble

just to win a little bet?

- Well, it's not just a bet, Oz.

Look at the weight I'm losing.

- Yeah, yeah, yes, I've seen the demonstration.

- Well, you don't have to snare at it.

You could give it a try yourself.

- Well, just what do you mean by that?

- Well, haven't you seen the insurance statistics?

- Well, what have they got to do with me?

- Well, nothing, Oz, except that they show that 67% of the men

turned down by insurance companies

are fat or overweight.

Those are round figures, of course.

- No, no, no, no.

You're suggesting that I reduce?

I happen to be in wonderful physical condition, Thorny.

- OK, Oz, suit yourself.

- As a matter of fact, you'd be in a little better shape, too,

if you took some exercise the way I do.

- Oh, who are you kidding?

What exercise do you do?

- Plenty.

- What, for instance?

- Well, I-- I-- play, uh--

Well, raking up the leaves in the front yard, for instance.

How about that?

- All right, as long as you mentioned, how about it?

Don't you think it's about time you clean up

that front lawn of yours?

It's a disgrace to the neighborhood.

Well, I'll be seeing you, Oz.

- Now, just a second, Thorny.

Are you sure there isn't some other little comment you'd

like to make before you leave?

- No, I think that just about does it.

Well, see you later, chubby.

- Who was that?

- Oh, it was just Thorny.

- Oh, how is he?

- He's in one of his revolting moods.

Comes over here bragging just because he's...

and making insinuations.

- Like what?

- Well, for one thing...

And for another thing, he accused me

of not raking the leaves.

- Well, I wouldn't stand for that if I were you.

Why don't you go right out there and rake them all up?

- Believe me, nothing would make me happier

than go out there and rake them.

- Well, I certainly like to see you happy.

Why don't you do it?

- Well, don't you remember?

I told you yesterday, I don't have any old pants.

- Well, I have some wonderful news for you, dear.

I figured you'd have a lot of other things on your mind,

so I went out and I bought you a new pair of pants.

- Oh, well, Harriet, you shouldn't have done it.

- Anything to make you happy.

- Oh.

Oh, gee whiz.

- What's the matter?

- Well, I can't go out there and do that kind of work

in brand new pants, Harriet.

I'd get grass stains on them and leaves

in the cuffs and everything.

- Oh, well, you don't have to worry about that.

I got these at the army surplus store.

They're what you might call a new pair of old pants.

- Oh.

- The only thing is, though, I wasn't

sure of your waist measurement.

- Oh, I took about a size 30 the last time

I measured, as I recall.

- When was that?

- Well, let me see now.

Yes, yes, that's right, when they measured us

for our football pants in high school, I was a size 30.

I put a little weight on, though.

I'm possibly up to a size 31 by now.

- Oh.

Well, then these are probably too big.

They're 33s.

- Oh, darn it.

- But I could take them in, couldn't I?

- Well, yes, I suppose you could.

I tell you what I'll do.

The next time I'm upstairs--

I'll probably be going up there sometime later this afternoon--

I'll, uh--

- Oh, you don't have to do that, dear.

They're right downstairs here in the hall closet.

I'll get them for you.

- No, that's all right.

I'll get them.

- Oh, it sounds like the boys are home.

- Oh, yes.

- Uh, the, uh, hall closet is that way, dear.

- Oh, oh, yes, thanks.

- OK, Ricky, take it easy on the cookie jar, now.

You know what Dr. Brown said.

- Heck, I thought he said I was supposed to eat.

- Well, you are but not just cookies.

You're supposed to balance it with a little substantial food.

- Yeah, but whenever I look at that stuff,

I always lose my appetite.

- Well, guess what these pills are for?

They give you a good appetite for real nourishing food.

You can't just live on sweets, you know.

- I just hope I can remember to take them.

- Well, I'll put them right up here, and then in case

you forget them, I can remind you.

See?

You take one before each meal.

- Holy smokes, look at Pop!

Roll out the barrel.

- Harriet, there must be some mistake here.

- Oh, for goodness sakes.

- Those are mine, aren't they, Pop?

- They're supposed to be mine.

- No, I bought them for your father,

but I don't understand it.

- Well, I'll tell you exactly what happened.

That darn silly store sold you a size 26.

- Well, they were marked 33.

- That's a big laugh.

- You'd better not try to, boy.

- Maybe your measurements have changed a little.

- Oh, Harriet, I might have gained a little,

maybe an inch around the waist, but I--

- I'll get it, dear.

- Oh, here it is, right over here.

- Here, I'll pick it up for you, Pop.

- Ricky, please.

They may be tight, but I could still bend over in them.

- Very funny.

And stay out of the cookies, Ricky.

- Yes, Ricky, cut that out.

- But I'm hungry.

- If you ask me, this entire family could go on a diet.

- My pants fit me fine.

- They do.

- I'd be glad to cooperate, dear, if you're

really serious about this.

I was just reading an article last night

on how to lose a pound a day.

I think I still have it.

- Well, I'd like to see that.

For no other reason, I'd like to prove to these silly people

that make size 25 pants--

- 33.

- Well, whatever they are.

You just give me the diet, and, by golly,

I'll show you what willpower can do.

I'll stay on the diet until these darn silly pants fit me.

Poor Pop.

- What do you mean "poor Pop?"?

- I think he's going to lose all his buttons.

Four.

OK, coming.

Oh!

Hello, Mr. Miller.

- Hi, Mr. N-- oh, did I interrupt your game

or something? - No, no, no.

I was just pushing up in there. - Oh.

Well, I have a delivery for the Thornberrys,

and I thought I might drop it off my way home from work,

but, uh, I guess they're out. - Oh.

Oh, yeah, I see.

- I wonder if I might leave it with you.

- Oh, sure. Glad to take it.

- Mrs. Thornberry's kind of anxious to get those pills.

- Well, I hope nobody's sick over there.

- Oh, no, no. Goodness, no.

No, those are reducing pills.

They're quite the thing nowadays.

- Reducing pills, huh?

- Yeah, you take two before each meal

and they cut your appetite.

A wonderful thing for people who are trying to lose weight.

- Oh.

You sell these at the drugstore?

- Oh, sure, sure.

Oh, but you wouldn't be interested in anything

like that, Mr. Nelson.

Those are for people who are overweight.

- Well, I don't know.

I've been putting on a few pounds recently.

Oh.

Uh, Mr. Thornberry's just pulling into the driveway.

Say, I can give him those myself.

Thanks, just the same, Mr. Nelson.

- OK, suit yourself. - Yeah.

Bye bye. - Bye bye, Mr. Miller.

- What are you laughing at, Pop?

- I was just thinking of that Mr. Thornberry.

He sure is a crafty character.

- What did he do?

- I just found out his little secret.

He was over here a while ago boasting

about the terrific shape he's in.

I just found out he's been taking pills for his appetite.

- Oh, Mom got a bottle of those from Dr. Brown.

- Oh, really?

I didn't know we had any of those around the house.

- Yeah, they're out in the kitchen.

You want me to get them for you?

- Yeah, I think maybe I would like

to see what they look like.

Oh, and, Rick, bring me back a glass of water.

I may even try one of those myself.

- I don't think you'd better do that, Pop.

Mom didn't get them for you.

- Well, I'm sure your mother wouldn't mind if I borrow one.

- Well, OK.

- What are you doing?

- Pop wants to take a couple of my appetite pills.

- What for?

I thought he was trying to lose weight.

- Pop just said to get the pills,

so I'm getting the pills.

- I don't get it.

Those are supposed to make you eat more.

- Maybe he just wants to test this willpower.

Here you are, Pop.

- Oh, thanks a lot, Rick.

I wonder how many of these you're supposed to take.

- One before each meal.

- Oh.

Think maybe I'll take two.

- You're only supposed to take one.

- Yeah, but I want to make sure they work.

- How do you feel? - Oh, fine.

It takes a while for them to take effect, you see.

Take these back to the kitchen now?

- Yes, sir. - Thanks a lot.

What are you eating?

- Cookies.

- Hmm.

What kind of cookies?

- Toll House.

You know, the kind that Mom always

makes with the chocolate chips.

- Yes, yes, I know.

For goodness sakes, Rick, do you have to make so much noise?

- Sorry, Pop.

- You shouldn't be eating cookies now

anyway right before dinner.

You'll spoil your appetite.

- Not me, boy.

I'm always hungry.

Besides, Dr. Brown said I'm supposed to eat a lot.

- Yes, but not cookies.

You're supposed to eat solid food.

You're supposed to eat meat, and vegetables,

and potatoes with gravy on them and...

Can you pass the carrots, please, David?

- Oh, sure, Pop.

- Thank you.

- Oh, boy, cream chicken!

That's my favorite.

- Me, too.

- Oh, me t--

Am I allowed to have some of this on my diet, Harriet?

- Oh, I'm afraid not, dear.

It's not on your menu.

You do have a delicious dinner coming right up, though.

- Oh, dog-gonnit, and I thought creamed chicken was supposed

to be good for you.

- All right, dear, dig in.

- What the heck is this?

- Well, you're only allowed 500 calories for dinner.

I'm sorry, dear, but this diet was your idea.

- Well, I know, but...

Holy smokes, you could drop this in your eye.

- You see, Pop?

Those cookies didn't spoil my appetite at all.

- Yes, yes, so I noticed.

Good for you.

Don't have to make a glutton out of yourself, however.

The way the boy's eating, you think

somebody's going to steal the food away from him.

- Oh, dear, this is a little tough for you to watch.

Why don't you take your dinner and go into the den with it?

- Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

They say the first couple of days of these diets

are the toughest.

- I'll bring you dessert in there when you're finished.

- Oh, do I get dessert on this menu?

- Oh, well, certainly.

This is a very well-balanced menu.

- Oh, fine.

I'll bet this isn't going to be so bad after all.

- Pass the biscuits, will you, Rick?

- Don't forget to include a few bottles of our famous barbecue

sauce on your shopping list.

Mm, mm.

Nothing else gives the meat such a wonderful, tangy--

- Can't you just taste that rich, creamy frosting

and the light, fluffy delicious flavor?

Doesn't that look--

- And juicy, fresh peaches.

- Hey, what do you got there?

- Strawberry shortcake.

Mom just made it for dessert.

- Oh, boy!

Well, this is what I call really a sensible diet.

- Here's your dessert, dear.

Hope you like it.

- Oh, I love strawberry--

Well, what is this?

- Stewed prunes.

Three of them.

- Three-- uh, three stewed prunes for dessert?

- Well, you can have a little lemon juice on them too.

- Who ever heard of stewed prunes for dessert?!

- Excuse me, Pop.

- The strawberries--

- Good evening, health lovers.

Once again, it's time for "The Sunshine

Club," the happiest half-hour on television.

I'm here tonight to talk to you about prunes.

You see, a prune itself may be wrinkled, but better

the wrinkles on the prune than you.

Remember, a prune is nature's own vitamin pill.

- Where are you going, Pop?

- Upstairs to listen to the radio.

- Hiya, Pop.

Aren't you going to come down to breakfast?

- Oh, good morning, Rick.

I've already had my breakfast.

- It was swell, huh?

- What did you have?

- Waffles, toast, sausage and jam.

What'd you have?

- Three more prunes and a cup of yogurt.

Incidentally, you'd better tell your mother

to get her money back on these apatite pills.

I took three of them before breakfast,

and I'm practically starved.

- They worked for me OK.

- You're not supposed to take these.

We want you to eat more.

- I have been eating.

Boy, those pills sure build up your appetite.

- No, no, no, no.

These pills take your appetite away.

Whoever told you they build it up?

- Dr. Brown.

- Dr. Brown?

Wait a minute.

You mean to say these are really appetite pills?

- Sure.

- Well, no wonder I've been starving!

I've been taking these darn things like crazy.

I don't think I'll even last through until lunchtime.

- Why are you on this diet anyway, Pop?

- All because of these darn pants.

- Well, can you get into them yet?

- I don't know.

I haven't tried them on this morning.

- Why don't you try them on?

Maybe you lost enough weight yesterday.

If they fit you, you can go off the diet.

- Yes, that's one way.

But I've just been thinking of an idea

that I think is even better.

Why don't you take these pants down to the store

and exchange them for pants one size larger?

Then, they'll surely fit me.

- Hey, that's a neat idea!

- Remember now, this is a little secret just between you and me.

We don't tell your mother or David anything about it, OK?

- Oh, sure. - Just a second.

- Oh, that's OK, Pop. I won't tell anybody.

- No, no, it isn't that.

Stop off at the drugstore and get two quarts

of chocolate ice cream.

- Oh, boy!

Just a second, Rick.

Better make that three quarts.

Maybe you and David would like some, too.

- Oh, hi.

Where have you been?

- Oh, just outside for a while.

Is lunch almost ready?

- In a few minutes.

Would you like to hear your menu for today?

- Oh, yes, I would.

- Well, you have two choices; a cucumber

sandwich on rye bread--

- Uh, I'll take the second choice.

- --a cucumber sandwich on whole wheat.

- Well, as a matter of fact, I'll probably be off the diet

entirely today, anyway.

- How so?

- Well, why did I go on this diet in the first place?

- You mean you don't know either?

- Of course I do.

I'll tell you why.

You brought home a pair of size 26 pants, right?

- Size 33.

- Well, 33 pants.

I tried them on.

They didn't fit.

In other words, the pants are my gauge.

As soon as these pants fit me, I go off the diet, right?

- Right.

Why don't you try them on?

- That's exactly what I had in mind.

Let's see now, I left them, uh--

- The hall closet.

- In the hall closet, that's right.

And don't be surprised if this time, they fit me like a glove.

- That's the way they fit you the time before.

Let's see if they fit you like a pair of pants this time.

- David, I'll bet you a quarter that the pants fit Pop now.

- I bet they will, too.

- Well, you know, it's surprising,

but your father really seems to have lost weight.

- Yeah, it sure is, and just from one day, too.

- OK, then I'll bet you $0.15.

- I think they'll fit him, too.

- Then 10.

- I think they'll fit him.

There's no bet.

I agree with you.

- OK, then let's make it 5, and that's almost my last offer.

- Holy smokes!

- What's the matter?

- Just a second, and I'll show you.

Will you take a look at these?

- So you have lost some weight.

- There's enough room in there for me, too.

- How about it?

Size 34, and they fit me like a barrel.

- 34?

The pants I bought for you were size 33.

- Oh, yes, that's what I meant to say, 33.

I don't know what made me say 34,

but it doesn't make any difference.

- Ozzie.

- Uh, yes, dear?

- Do you have something you'd like to tell us?

- No, I don't have anything I don't have to tell you,

but I guess maybe you'd find out about it anyway.

See, Ricky, came up with a marvelous idea.

- Who?

Me?

- Well, uh, no, it was my idea, but--

This is marvelous.

Well, I...

Why not have Ricky go down to the store

and change the pants for one size larger?

But I-- I, uh--

Well, honestly, I did it for you, dear,

because this dieting of mine has been terribly rugged on you.

I mean, it's rearranged the entire household.

You've had to have two menus--

- Oh, I don't mind.

- You don't?

Well, I do.

This has made me awful unhappy, Harriet.

And I know that when I'm unhappy, you're unhappy,

and I like to have you happy.

- Well, that's very thoughtful of you, dear.

- But, you know, it's amazing.

Even for a size 34, look at these things.

They fit me like a tent.

- I know, it really is amazing.

- And the wonderful part of it is I've only

been on the diet for one day.

Gee, you know, I think, really, I could

fit into those original pants.

What's this?

Size 36 banjo seat model?

But, Ricky, I told you to get a size 34.

- I did.

34.

- Well, where did these pants come from?

- I think I'll go outside for a while.

- Oh, now just a second, David.

- Well, gee, Pop, I got to feeling awful sorry for you.

You always looked so hungry and unhappy.

- Oh, so you went downtown to exchange the pants, too?

- Yes, sir.

But there really must be something

wrong with those pants, because the man

said there's been a lot of people exchanging them today.

There was a little boy, some lady and me, he said.

- Let's see now.

We know the little boy was Ricky,

and we know you exchanged them.

- Yeah, but who was the lady?

- I have a hunch that was no lady.

- I think I'll go outside with you.

Now, don't explain, dear.

You just had no confidence in your old man.

- No, no, really, dear, it wasn't that.

- Well, as a matter of fact, I think

I've taken off so much weight in the waist

that I could fit into those other pants you bought me.

- Well, I bet you could, too.

- I'll guarantee it.

But let's not take a chance, shall we?

Because these feel fine.

- They look a little big though, Pop.

- Well, yes, they do now, David, but after that lunch

I'm going to put away, believe me, they'll fit perfectly.

Oh, come on in, Thorny.

- Hi, Oz.

- Hiya, boy.

- Take a look at this, old boy.

I won the contest.

- What contest is that?

- Well, between Catherine and me.

You know, who'd get the most unsolicited compliments

about losing weight.

- Oh!

Well, congratulations.

The only thing, though, I happen to know how

you won it, you old faker, you.

- Hey, wait a minute.

How'd you find out?

- Oh, don't worry.

I get around.

Pretty sneaky, if you ask me.

- Oh, now look, Oz, you won't tell anyone?

This could ruin me at the men's club.

- Well, I don't see why.

A lot of people are using them nowadays.

- Well, maybe so, but you got to promise not to tell anybody.

I'd take an awful razzing.

- Well, OK, I promise.

Now that I see you sitting down, though, I

seem to detect a slight bulge around the waistline there.

- Well, naturally.

After I won the contest, I took the darn thing off.

- What thing?

- The girdle.

Boy, it was killing me.

- Girdle?

You mean you've been wearing a girdle?

- Oh, Oz, you said you knew.

- Well, I thought you were taking reducing pills.

- Oh, Oz, that's a low-down, mean, nasty trick.

Now, remember, you promised not to tell anybody.

- Well, I don't know.

This is a pretty choice morsel of news.

- A promise is a promise.

- Well, OK, I'll keep your terrible secret.

- OK.

Well, I guess I'll be running along, Oz.

Lunch is probably ready.

- OK, Thorny.

Hey, wait a minute.

What are you walking so funny for?

- What?

I keep forgetting I'm not

wearing the darn thing anymore.

So long, Oz.

- So long, stretch.

- Hey, lunch is ready.

- Oh, Harriet.

Well, I was just going upstairs for a moment.

- Why don't you wash your hands down here?

- Well, I wasn't thinking of that, exactly.

I was just-- oh, never mind.

Even if you did have one, it would never fit me.

- Next week, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky--

Will be brought to you by Listerine, the most widely used

oral antiseptic in the world.