Original subtitles

- "Los Angeles County has almost 10 million people,

"and everyone is in the pursuit of a happier life,

"whatever that might be.

"For me, it meant getting clarity on my love life

"and trying to figure out exactly what I wAAAaaaaant.

"Dang it, the letter A on my keyboard

keeps getting jaaAAAaamed."

[sighs]

"So in order to find that clarity,

"my therapist suggested that I start journaliiiing.

DAAaaaaaay--"

Oh, come on!

[breathes deeply]

"Welp." [groans] "I guess the letter I

"is jammed as well.

"Anyway, it felt like a new chapter for me

"and the whole crew, and I was loOOOkiiing

"foooorward to--ohhh nOOoo.

I need a new compuuterrrrr."

- ♪ Whoop, whoop

♪ Cabernet and sauvignon

♪ Team is here and now it's on ♪

♪ Carry on and Carignan, sippin' on Perignon ♪

♪ Fine wine, got notes like a cello ♪

♪ Pull up in the spot like hello ♪

♪ If you got me, then I got you ♪

♪ This is the vibe, this is the crew ♪

♪ Grand crew, grand crew, uh

♪ Grand crew, grand crew, grand crew, uh ♪

♪ Grand crew

- What's going on over there, Wyatt?

Why you cheesin' so hard?

- Oh, my niece Nadine is coming to visit.

Well, she's not really my niece.

She's my cousin, but y'all know how we do.

- Yeah, of course. - So her mom is going through

a bit of a rough patch, so she's staying

for a couple of weeks, and it's just gonna be

the two of us until Kristen gets back in town.

- Oh, wow. She's really growing up.

- [laughs] - Last time we saw her,

she was, like, all small

and her face was all smushy and she didn't have any teeth.

- You mean when she was a baby? - Yeah.

Yeah, maybe that was what it was.

- It's gonna be a lot of responsibility,

but I'm not worried because I have a lot

of experience being a dad to all my plants.

- What are you gonna do, water your niece?

- What I mean is, this is gonna be kind of a chance

for me to be fatherly in a different kind of way.

- Ah, yes, because being a plant dad

is in no way, shape, or form real fatherhood.

- My niece is visiting, and I'm excited.

Let's move on. Noah's dating again.

- What? Hold up. You just can't change

the subject like that. - Uh, yes he can.

What's up with you, Noah? You boo'd up again?

- I knew you'd just hop back into a relationship.

You disgust me.

- Yo, chill out, okay?

After everything went down with me and Simone,

I obviously needed some time to myself,

but, yeah, you know, I'm finally searching again.

But I'm also cool just to have some adventures along the way.

- Okay, so you talking about a ho phase.

- No, I'm talking about a phase where I search for my person

without any expectations and I prioritize my growth.

- Mm, textbook ho language.

- Look, anyway, you know, I've been journalin' daily

and then doin' a lot of reflection.

And I even have a third date with someone this week,

and I'm just really excited--

- To have sex. - No.

I'm excited to get to know her.

- Sexually. - No.

I mean...

I mean, I'm not not excited to get to know her sexually.

- You know what I'ma call ya?

Ho-ah. - [laughs]

- Please don't. - To Ho-ah.

all: To Ho-ah. [laughter]

- "I did not like being called "Ho-ah.

"I mean, what kind of nickname is Ho-ah anyway?

"Just swappin' out one letter.

"In any case, I was excited

"to see what these streets had in store for me.

"Meanwhile, my two ho-ass friends,

Anthony and Sherm, were chillin'.

- Previously on "Probably Pregnant"...

- I don't think I'm pregnant, but also I don't use condoms

and I've been getting real sick in the morning time,

so who knows?

[grunts]

- Yo, you think she's pregnant?

- Probably?

[knock at door] Come in.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, what's up?

- Oh, I love this show.

You won't believe it,

but she's not actually pregnant.

It's just a big cyst. - Oh, come on!

- Damn, Nicky! - What?

- Did you actually come over here to tell me something,

or did you just come over here to ruin the show?

- No. You know how you've been, like,

casually searching for a house for years

and you made me promise you that if I ever found one,

I'd let you know? - Yeah.

- I found you a house. - Interesting.

- Yeah, but you know I'm pretty particular,

and I've never come close to finding the right place.

- Yeah, 'cause you haven't been using a professional like me.

Kind of like how I was doing my taxes

by myself until you helped me.

- You weren't filing your taxes at all.

- No, I wasn't, but you helped me understand

how important it is to file your taxes.

I can't go to jail. She too cute.

Come on, let me help you like you helped me.

- Don't get your hopes up, Nicky.

It's gonna take a miracle to get Anthony

to move out of his conveniently located,

rent-controlled apartment.

And let's be real.

Havin' me as a roommate is the real American dream.

- It definitely is not.

Come on. Lemme just show you the place.

There's an open house tomorrow.

- Okay, word. - Okay. Yes. [laughs]

- "And later that night,

"I was on a date with Jordan,

"a search engine optimization engineer

for Google who lived in Atwater Village."

Thank you so much for helping me set up my new computer.

[both laugh] - It's nothing.

This stuff is second nature to me.

- Mm. - But just a heads-up...

- Mm-hmm. - You need stronger passwords.

Noah143 isn't gonna cut it.

- [laughs] Yeah, I've been using that password

for, like, 20 years.

- Now is probably a good time to rethink that.

- Fo' sho. [chuckles]

So I hope this isn't too forward,

but I think it's sexy how good you are with tech.

- Well, I'm good with a lot of things.

- Oh, really? Like what?

- Well, I also play tennis,

and I dabble in pottery.

- Oh, you talking about actual hobbies?

- I'm kidding.

I was talking about hooking up.

- Oh, thank goodness. Do you wanna get outta here?

- Yeah. - Okay. Let's go right now.

"And so our adventure continued back at her place,

and we got it on all night long."

[Silk's "Freak Me"]

- ♪ Let me lick you up and down ♪

- "Yep, all night long.

"Like, for real.

All night long."

- [vocalizing]

- "Like, literally, the whole night."

- ♪ Baby

- "I mean, I was up till the early morning,

"puttin' in that work, and so was Nicky,

trying to sell Anthony a new home."

- So Anthony, what do you think?

- Meh.

No, I'm just kidding.

It's everything I ever envisioned

in a first home.

I'm sorry I doubted you. - Nicky forgives you,

but Nicole never forgets. - [laughs] Okay, noted.

- This could really all be yours.

- But it's a lot of space for one person.

I mean, you don't have any kids.

You don't have a wife.

You don't even have a girlfriend.

- Rude. - I mean, he's right.

I am single as hell. - Okay, whatever.

Here's what I ask all my clients.

What did you feel when you walked in through that door?

- It felt good.

I felt it in my chest.

- Mm, that is a good sign.

The boobies are where the house chakras are.

This is a perfect opportunity.

Houses appreciate every year.

Think about what this is gonna do

to your personal balance sheet.

- Long-term appreciation? Ooh, yummy.

[laughs] You know what? I'm in.

- Yes! - What?

- Ooh, let's take another lap.

- "Anthony was feeling all types

"of house chakras in his boobies.

Sherm, on the other hand..."

- Fantastic.

[gasps] Ay, yo, my man.

Please buy this house.

.

- So my third date with that girl Jordan went great

and then we had sex for five hours.

- Was there an issue, or is this just a flex?

- Initially, that was a flex, but then last night,

we hooked up for the same amount of time again.

I think this is her ideal sex time.

- Damn, every time?

That's a part-time job.

- Yeah, she owes you money.

- Yeah, well, I'm glad we all can agree

that five hours is a bit much.

So what are y'all's sex times?

[light music]

Come on, really?

- I'm not goin' first. - Yep, neither am I.

Wyatt told me to text him if anything juicy popped off.

- All right, I'll go first.

50 minutes.

- 50 minutes, really?

- I'ma say 30 minutes.

If we both can't achieve satisfaction in the time

it takes me to watch a episode of "Family Guy,"

then we doin' something wrong.

Also, I like to have

"Family Guy" on in the background.

- Bro, that's a whole other conversation.

But I can get a lot done

in 25 to 45 minutes. [phone dings]

- Okay, Wyatt texted me back.

He says, "During the week, Kristen and I will get busy

"anywhere from 4 to 20 minutes to accommodate her schedule.

"But on weekends, it's all night long,

and sometimes I do this thing with my nose"--

- No, no, no. - Please stop, no.

- Stop, ugh. - Wild.

Anthony?

- I mean, mine's right around where y'all are at.

- [scoffs]

Fine, my ideal sex time is 41 minutes and 14 seconds.

- You got it down to the second?

- What? Don't judge me. I didn't judge you.

That's 9 minutes of disrobing and kisses,

17 minutes of foreplay and shenanigans,

15 minutes of intercourse,

and 14 seconds for a simultaneous finish.

- Simultaneous finish? - When possible.

Now it's not always achieved, but it's always the goal.

- Mm, but what is "shenanigans," though?

- Oh, so you're not saying nothing?

- "I didn't think these streets

"were gonna be so stressful,

"but hearing that everyone's sex times

"were under five hours made me wonder

"if I should bring this up with Jordan.

"At the same time, my boy Wyatt was trying

to make his house a home for his niece Nadine."

- All right, now, did you have a good time

at the Bob Baker Marionette Theater?

- Yes. - And who is the best uncle

that you know? - Weezy.

- Sss. - [laughs]

- Some lunch? - Yes, please.

- Great.

Oh, what's that you got there?

- "Finding Frederick Douglass." There's different pictures

with lots of stuff in them, and you have to try

and find Frederick Douglass in the picture.

- Oh, so it's like "Where's Waldo?"

That's fun. You know what?

Let's see who can find him first.

- Found him! - Oh.

Don't tell me. [laughs]

Oh, there he is. That--that--

no, that's a coconut.

Huh.

Huh.

Where in the heck is he?

- And while Wyatt was searching

for Frederick Douglass,

Sherm was searching for a way

not to lose Anthony as a roommate.

- You know, my grandpa Maxim never bought a house.

He always rented, lived to be 108 years old.

- Wow, that's amazing.

- And my cousin Bud died when he was 28,

the same year he bought his first home.

- Damn. - Now those two are

completely unrelated,

but it does make you wonder.

Anyway, that's not gonna be your story.

[laughs] - I hope not.

Though I guess buying a house is kind of a gamble.

- Oh, yeah, but a good gamble.

You know, I admire somebody with the confidence

to throw their whole life savings

into something that could just burn down or flood

or just fall to the ground for no reason.

- Dang.

Houses do be fallin', huh?

- Oh, houses stay fallin'.

But again, not gonna be you.

[laughs] I know it.

I'm happy about this move for you.

I love it, even though it's all goin' kind of fast.

- It is moving kind of fast, huh?

- Sherm scared the hell outta Anthony.

[laughs] I mean, he was really shook.

But maybe Sherm was right.

Why not play it safe?

Why disrupt a good thing?

- Hey, I got you that zinfandel

with notes of black plum, raspberries.

That's what you're drinking nowadays, right?

- Yes, it is. Thank you kindly. - Of course.

I also got you something else.

- Let's see what this is, hmm.

- Wow, this is a dope fitted.

[laughs] Now, Nicky, you mind telling me

what this is all about?

- Oh, it's just a thoughtful gesture

between friends.

Also, if you happen to have another conversation

with Anthony about buying houses,

maybe you just keep your mouth shut.

- [laughs] It all makes sense now.

Listen, Anthony not movin' forward with that house

has nothing to do with me.

- He said it is because of you.

- Okay, maybe it has a little bit to do with me.

But if he don't want the house, he don't want the house.

- Sherm, this is a really great opportunity for him,

and you're messing it up.

- You just mad because I'm taking commission

outta your pocket.

Please stop trying to profit

off of our friend group.

We are not the Temptations.

- Maybe we are the Temptations, and you're David Ruffin

bein' all selfish, not letting the group be its best.

- You take that back. I am not David Ruffin.

- You are David Ruffin.

You are making this all about you.

Anthony is a VP at his accounting firm.

He makes more money than anyone in our friend group,

and he was really excited about that house.

- You sure about that? - Yeah.

And you're holding him back because you're comfortable

just staying at the same level, and that's messed up.

And I'm taking back this bribe. - Oh.

But I want that hat.

I'll pay you for it.

At least tell me where you got it.

- Later that night in Atwater Village,

I was ready to speak my sexual truth to Jordan.

The only question was, would she accept it?

So, hey, I--I wanted to talk to you about something.

- Absolutely. Is everything okay?

- Yeah, for sure.

Uh, so you know

I've just been getting back out there

after my ex-girlfriend's divorce and deportation.

- Huh? - That's not important.

But what is important is, I've been journaling

about my feelings so I don't fall

into my old patterns,

where the old me would rush in and maybe avoid

uncomfortable conversations.

- What's the uncomfortable conversation?

- Um...

I don't know that I can have sex for five hours

every single time.

- Oh.

Well, that's okay.

Look, I just work out a lot,

and so I approach sex the same way.

Going long is fun for me.

- And that's great, and I-- pssh, hey, I respect that.

- Well, how long do you like to go for?

- I mean, I'm more of a, like, 45-minute guy,

but I know what you like.

You know, I figure we could meet somewhere in between?

- That sounds good to me.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Perfect.

And we had sex for...

- ♪ I wanna get freaky with you, girl ♪

- Not as long, and it was great.

- That was nice. - Yeah.

Yeah, that definitely was.

- Um, do you maybe wanna spend the night?

- Sure, I mean, if you're cool with it.

- I am.

Good night. - Good night.

Man, this was great.

Speaking my sexual truth

really worked out for the both of us.

I was satisfied. Jordan was--

[vibrating]

Hold up. Was she--

.

- "So the previous night left me feeling like, 'Damn,

"I don't want Jordan to have to use electronic assistance

"after we hook up,'

"so there was only one thing for me to do:

"get my conditioning up

"because if Jordan wanted to go all night,

I needed to get my body right."

- ♪ Let me lay it on the line ♪

♪ I got a little freakiness inside ♪

♪ And you know that the man has gotta deal with it ♪

[Adina Howard's "Freak Like Me"]

♪ 'Cause I will be a freak until the day ♪

♪ Until the dawn

♪ And we can boom boom all through the night ♪

♪ Till the early morn

♪ Come on and I will take you around the hood ♪

♪ On a gangsta lean - ♪ One to the two

♪ To the two, to the three

♪ Adina, do you wanna get freaky with me? ♪

- 'Cause I will be a freak until the day ♪

♪ Until the dawn

- And while my heart rate was bumpin',

so was Sherm's subconscious after his fight with Nicky.

[light music]

♪

- "Top 40 Most Successful People

in the World that Still Have Roommates"?

What the hell?

- Sherm, hurry up.

Season 50 of "Probably Pregnant"

is about to start. - Season 50?

- This show just started.

Why do you look like that?

- [groans] Yo. [laughs]

- What the hell? - What up, roommate?

- Yeah, what's good? What's good?

[laughs] [door clicks open]

- Anthony.

I know you been searchin' for a house

for the last 35 years,

but I think I finally found you the one.

- Ah, Nicky, chill. Don't you get it?

I ain't goin' nowhere, baby. [laughing] Come on.

- Sherm has really held you back.

Y'all have never grown up.

- Sherm is my ride-or-die.

[groaning]

[moans] - Anthony.

- I just realized I should've bought a house years ago.

- Oh, no. - Oh, come on.

- Sherm, this is all your fault.

- Aah!

- And while Nicky was haunting Sherm's dreams,

Frederick Douglass was haunting Wyatt.

After days, he still couldn't find him in that book.

Can you believe that? - Thanks, Uncle Wyatt.

- My pleasure, niece-piece.

- So do you wanna play "Finding Frederick Douglass"

with me? - How 'bout we give it a rest?

You should be spending more of your time on books

with words in them, don't you think?

- I guess. - Okay.

Well, I have some work to do in the studio

for a couple of hours, so just knock if you need me, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

[upbeat music]

Okay, Mr. Douglass, where are you?

- Wyatt couldn't help himself.

At this point, it was bigger than Frederick Douglass,

so he searched

and he searched...

and he searched.

♪

He even researched.

The man went crazy.

I mean, look at this guy.

And he seemed to come close...

but Frederick Douglass evaded him yet again.

- Frederick Douglass...

[voice echoing] Where are you?

- Meanwhile, Sherm had a big ol' epiphany,

and he was ready to share it with Anthony and Nicky.

- Anthony, Nicky, thank you for meeting me.

- What's this about, Sherm?

- Anthony, I think you should bid on the house.

- Really? What made you change your mind?

- It came to me in a dream.

- But what about all that stuff you were saying earlier?

- I had a change of heart, another classic Sherm 180.

I can see now I was being selfish.

- Are you sure this had nothing to do with the conversation

we had earlier? - No.

Anthony, you a VP at an accounting firm.

You got more savings than the whole crew.

You're ready for this. - That's exactly what I said.

Give me some credit. - No. It came to me in a dream.

- Was I in the dream? - Nicky, these thoughts

are coming to me in real time.

If you could please stop interrupting.

- You know, I've always fantasized

about having two offices,

one for business and one for pleasure.

- See, that's insane, but you deserve it.

And I don't wanna see you die in our apartment.

- Yeah, I don't know what that's about.

- Hey, Nicky, is there still time

to bid on that house? - Yes.

They're accepting counteroffers,

but it's gonna be competitive.

- Then let's compete! [laughs] I'm back in.

- Yes, and Nicky, please don't screw this up.

- But you're the one that almost screwed it up.

- I have no idea what you're talking about.

- Why is your memory so selective?

.

[phone ringing]

- Hey, Nicky. Sup?

- Don't you "Nicky" me.

I heard every word you said about me,

you bitch. - Huh?

Nicky, this is Anthony.

- Oops, sorry. That was a misdial.

But hey, I was gonna call you after I called my enemy.

Look, we're down to best and final offers,

so you're gonna have to put up some more money

if you wanna get the house. - [groans]

I can't go much higher than where we're at.

I'm already pushin' it. - Okay. I understand.

- This just isn't the one, I guess.

- Yeah, but listen, I will find you something, I promise.

There are other homes out there.

- Okay. Thanks.

- All right, bye. - Peace.

- And while Anthony's search for a home came to a halt,

Wyatt's obsession with Frederick Douglass

was affecting his relationship with little Nadine.

- Hey, Nadine. Whatcha got there?

- Nothing.

- Nadine, you know you don't have to hide stuff from me.

What is it?

- It's drugs. - What? What?

Dru--

[groans]

It's just "Finding Frederick Douglass."

Why would you tell me it's drugs?

- I don't know. I panicked.

It's just I know you hate the book.

I thought drugs would stress you out less.

- Well, I--I don't-- I don't hate the book.

It's just I'm very, very bad at it.

- I usually do this book

every night before bed with my mom,

and I wanted to play it with you

because you're my favorite uncle.

- I am so sorry, Nadine.

I didn't mean to keep you from this book.

And it doesn't even matter if I'm terrible at it.

You know what?

Let's play. - Okay.

Thanks, Uncle Weezy. - [chuckles]

[chill music]

- Do you see Frederick Douglass yet?

- Of course not. [both laugh]

- Anthony! - Ow!

Who slaps somebody in the back of the head?

- Me. I do.

I've got great news.

You got the house. - What?

- The owner, she changed her mind.

- For real? Why? - Well, apparently,

your current and soon-to-be former roommate

wrote a very convincing letter.

- Sherm made this happen? - Yeah.

- Wow. - The house is yours.

Congrats! - We did it!

- [laughs] - Oh, you're the best.

- And after some serious work in the gym,

I was ready to go the distance with the Google engineer.

- Hey, so I wanted to talk to you.

- About the sex? Oh.

I--I know I asked for shorter sessions,

but I am totally prepared to go long again.

[both laugh] - Okay, well, that's great.

But Noah, what you said about

not avoiding uncomfortable conversations...

it kind of inspired me to face what I want head-on.

- That's great. What's up?

- Well...

I really like you and I wanna be your girlfriend.

- So Jordan wanted to go the distance

in the bedroom and out, and in that moment,

I had to search myself.

Old Noah would be doing backflips

and picking out baby names.

I'm sorry, but...

that's just not where I'm at right now.

But these were different times.

- Oh, okay.

Well, I thought we were vibing.

I fixed your computer.

You spent the night.

I don't do that with everyone.

Um, but, you know, it's cool, yeah.

- Jordan, I'm sorry.

I--I guess I should get going.

- Hey, do you wanna have sex all night one last time?

- Fo' sho.

both: Mmm.

- I had been wondering

for a long time if I could get back

into the dating scene without committing too fast,

and I finally had my answer.

Five hours later, Jordan and I officially stopped dating.

[upbeat music]

It felt like a new day for all of us,

and like we were all searching for something.

both: And we were starting to find it.

We were also reaffirming aspects of our lives...

- That we had wanted for a long time.

And hacking Noah's cloud and reading his private journal

has made me realize that maybe I should search

a little bit less.

I guess we're all a work in progress.

- Yeah.

- Not a doctor. Shh.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0