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00:00:01,368 --> 00:00:04,471
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,471 --> 00:00:07,674
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:11,378
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,378 --> 00:00:14,381
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:18,018
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:21,188
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,288 --> 00:00:22,923
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:24,191
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:30,163
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:36,603
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to an ASPCA commercial
11
00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:37,871
with the wrong music.
12
00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:41,708
♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪
13
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:45,312
♪ Everybody have fun tonight. ♪
14
00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:47,447
- (phone beeps)
- Oh, they seem to be doing okay.
15
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:51,084
Hey, can you guys keep it down?
I'm about to go on IG Live.
16
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:55,088
Like I said, "IG Live."
17
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:57,057
All right, Meg's going
for her phone. She...
18
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,026
Uhp, no,
she's just scratching herself.
19
00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:01,028
Well, uh, anyway,
if-if you guys are gonna join,
20
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:04,097
just go into another room,
or I'll get interference.
21
00:01:04,097 --> 00:01:06,300
Other than that, uh...
22
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:09,136
I don't know, just buckle up
and enjoy the ride.
23
00:01:09,136 --> 00:01:11,271
Oh, and I tagged
Kurt Vonnegut's nephew,
24
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:14,308
so just...
just be cool on there.
25
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:17,644
Boy, he's sure living
a lot longer than we expected.
26
00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:24,017
Going live in three, two, one.
27
00:01:24,151 --> 00:01:27,521
(howls) What's up, IG Live?!
28
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:32,259
It's Brian Griffin, and
you are live in the "Dog House."
29
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:35,028
Okay, no viewers yet.
I'll do it again.
30
00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:36,697
Hopefully I can keep
that energy.
31
00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:38,866
Uhp, got my first viewer.
32
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:41,301
Whoa! Getting a little crowded
in here.
33
00:01:41,401 --> 00:01:45,906
And @BuyCryptoKid33 has
left the building.
34
00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:49,309
All right,
welcome @WinACarAskMeHow.
35
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:52,779
And we got @LearnGuitarIn7Days
on the line.
36
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:54,114
Let's get started.
37
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,983
What I'm sure is
on both your minds is:
38
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,585
what is the "hero's journey"?
39
00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:01,555
Well, that's a question pondered
by writers for many, many--
40
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:06,026
welcome, @Gain4InchesIn1Week--
many years.
41
00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:08,061
Let me recap
what we've learned so far.
42
00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:11,532
Writer, "hero's journey,"
many, many, many years.
43
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,737
On the page that seemed
like eight minutes of material.
44
00:02:16,837 --> 00:02:18,605
Should we bail him out
with a question?
45
00:02:18,705 --> 00:02:20,607
No, we're not gonna
bail him out with a question.
46
00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:22,176
We're gonna... You know what?
47
00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:24,745
I will ask him a question.
Give me your phone.
48
00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:26,747
(notification pops)
49
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,718
(gasps) We're gonna take
a quick break.
50
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:36,790
Hey, guys,
I brought in your paper.
51
00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:39,092
Why do you get the newspaper
if you're not gonna read it?
52
00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:41,662
Eh, sometimes I use it
to punctuate my sentences.
53
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,897
Well, anyway, I have a proposal
for the two of you.
54
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:46,700
Well, this
ought to be interesting.
55
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,170
Are the two of you free tonight
for a double date?
56
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,773
I'm seeing this girl, and
I think she's something special.
57
00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:54,007
I want you to meet her.
58
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,943
Oh, Glenn, that's wonderful.
59
00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:58,178
A-And you're sure she's not
a sex worker this time?
60
00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,680
No, I-I'm pretty sure.
61
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,115
I've offered her money many
times, and she hasn't taken it.
62
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:05,018
A double date sounds great.
We'd love to go.
63
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,654
(singsongy): Ooh,
the Quag's got a girlfriend.
64
00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:10,157
Ah! Get off me! We don't have
that kind of relationship.
65
00:03:10,157 --> 00:03:12,025
Shoo! Go on, Meg!
Get away from the houseguest!
66
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,660
Get away from the houseguest!
67
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,329
Sometimes I also use it
for that.
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00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:17,664
ANNOUNCER:
Newspapers: Because your parrot
69
00:03:17,664 --> 00:03:19,700
can't (bleep) on an iPad.
70
00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:25,639
- (notification chimes)
- Whoa.
71
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,275
A DM from @OfficialInstagram?
72
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:29,543
"Hello, Brian.
73
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:32,045
"As a famous writer,
you are now eligible
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00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:34,381
to become a verified account."
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00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:36,049
Yes! Finally!
76
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:39,052
Well, maybe next you can get
a verified paycheck.
77
00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:42,923
Why is your paper
called Brazilian Teens?
78
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:45,492
Well, what's your paper of
record for tan butts?
79
00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:49,296
Exactly.
80
00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:55,869
I can't wait to meet this
new girlfriend of Quagmire's.
81
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:57,738
You know, I always write
their names down
82
00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:00,007
in case his life
becomes a Dateline.
83
00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:07,047
(gasps) Oh, my God! It's her!
84
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:09,983
- What? It's who?
- Quagmire's girlfriend is
85
00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:12,619
my old junior high school bully, Stephanie.
86
00:04:12,619 --> 00:04:14,421
She made my life a living hell.
87
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:16,490
Oh, see,
that guy's wearing sandals.
88
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:17,758
I could've worn mine.
89
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,126
Peter, you don't know this
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00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:20,527
because you met me
in high school,
91
00:04:20,627 --> 00:04:23,931
but middle school was a
painfully awkward phase for me.
92
00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:26,266
(lively chatter)
93
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:31,171
I had horrible acne,
I had to wear a back brace,
94
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:34,675
and to make things worse, only
one of my boobs had come in.
95
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:37,444
I had to resort to filling
the empty side of my bra
96
00:04:37,544 --> 00:04:39,746
with a Pop-O-Matic
from the board game Trouble.
97
00:04:39,746 --> 00:04:41,215
(popping)
98
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:45,319
The other kids were cruel and
would call me horrible names.
99
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:47,054
(laughter)
100
00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:49,189
- Look, it's Scoli-Lois.
- What a freak.
101
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,859
I just ate a sandwich, so
I'm waiting 20 minutes to swim.
102
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:54,895
LOIS:
But the worst bully of them all was Stephanie.
103
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:56,897
Hey, Lois, watch your step.
104
00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:58,532
Your shoe's untied.
105
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,300
(screams)
106
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,236
(laughter)
107
00:05:02,236 --> 00:05:03,770
LOIS:
No one even tried to help.
108
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:05,873
- What a loser!
- Walk much?
109
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,274
18 more minutes.
110
00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:09,142
I would've drowned
if it wasn't for the buoyancy
111
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,744
of the Pop-O-Matic.
112
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:13,046
- (pops)
- (gasping)
113
00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:18,252
Stephanie never even apologized,
and junior high trauma
114
00:05:18,252 --> 00:05:20,120
is something
you don't recover from.
115
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:22,656
Yeah, my gym teacher drove me
home without his pants on,
116
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:25,025
but your story sounds bad, too.
117
00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:31,198
Well, looks like all that
hard work is finally paying off.
118
00:05:31,298 --> 00:05:33,066
I got verified on Instagram.
119
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:35,369
Look at that, a blue check.
120
00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:39,773
Blue check? That's green.
121
00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:41,008
Brian, you got hacked.
122
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,042
That's ridiculous.
123
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,243
Someone DM'd me and said
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00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:45,045
they just needed
my mother's maiden name,
125
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:46,980
the last four numbers
of my credit card,
126
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:49,116
and the first 12 numbers
of my credit card.
127
00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:51,018
Then they responded
right away with,
128
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,653
"Thank you, comploted."
129
00:05:52,653 --> 00:05:53,954
Huh.
130
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:55,189
That's not how you spell
"completed."
131
00:05:55,322 --> 00:05:57,524
- (phone rings)
- It's my credit card company.
132
00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,026
Hello?
133
00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:00,561
No, that wasn't me.
134
00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:02,996
No. No. Ma'am,
I wouldn't know what to do
135
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:04,898
with that many
Tommy Hilfiger T-shirts.
136
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,333
- Yuck.
- (phone beeps)
137
00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:08,268
Okay, you were right.
I got hacked.
138
00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:11,104
I'm so mad,
that hacker has me seeing gray.
139
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:13,140
Red. It's red, Brian.
140
00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:20,047
Why are you so upset?
141
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,915
You already canceled
your credit card.
142
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:24,017
This hacker is
destroying my Instagram.
143
00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:25,285
I have a brand.
144
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,287
Posting Steve Harvey
stand-up jokes
145
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,456
is actually
Steve Harvey's brand.
146
00:06:29,456 --> 00:06:31,625
I think you should just
give your account to the hacker.
147
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:34,194
I mean, your Instagram wasn't
setting the world on fire.
148
00:06:34,328 --> 00:06:36,296
And I suppose
the hacker's posts are better?
149
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:38,332
Look at this, it's just
a half a bottle of vodka
150
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,701
that says,
"Eto vodka-chas gde-to."
151
00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,135
Brian, what does that even mean?
152
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:44,137
Hit "See translation."
153
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:46,240
"It's vodka o'clock somewhere."
154
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,542
(laughing):
Oh, that's very funny. That's very funny.
155
00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,711
You know, I've heard
it's "wine o'clock,"
156
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,312
but I've never heard it
with vodka.
157
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:55,048
That's what... That's-that's
whip smart is what that is.
158
00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:56,483
No! No, it's not!
159
00:06:56,483 --> 00:06:58,085
Stewie, I need to get
my account back.
160
00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:01,054
I-I may have sent
some weird DMs to Zendaya
161
00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:03,023
that I'd rather
not see the light of day.
162
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:05,592
Euphoria Zendaya
or Disney Zendaya?
163
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:08,762
Yeah, a little from column A,
a little from column B.
164
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,731
We need to get
that account back.
165
00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:16,970
Lois Pewterschmidt,
what a small world.
166
00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:18,805
Nice to see you, too.
167
00:07:18,805 --> 00:07:21,642
You have aged
infuriatingly well.
168
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,010
So, how did you two meet?
169
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,978
Did you both escape
from the same sex cult?
170
00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:26,380
Sex cults sound terrible,
171
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:28,282
but also,
how do I get invited to one?
172
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:30,017
- You tell it.
- No, you tell it.
173
00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:30,851
No, you just tell it.
174
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,886
- No, you. Fine, I'll go.
- No, you, you go.
175
00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:34,054
(both laughing)
176
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:35,522
Okay, Tinder.
177
00:07:35,522 --> 00:07:38,058
Huh, didn't really need
that whole parade.
178
00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:39,226
And how did you two meet?
179
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:42,296
Lois was dating another guy,
and I threatened to kill myself.
180
00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:44,565
Lois, remember you had
that back brace
181
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:47,034
everyone said made you look like
an ironing board in a sweater?
182
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:49,403
(giggles) Say more stuff.
183
00:07:49,403 --> 00:07:51,972
You were a nerd? I thought
you said you were a prom queen.
184
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,874
Prawn Queen.
185
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:55,209
She ate a lot of shellfish,
186
00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:56,443
and her back was curved
liked a shrimp.
187
00:07:56,543 --> 00:07:59,012
(giggles) I've never
meant this before,
188
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:00,914
but we should do this again.
189
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,749
Kids were so mean back then.
190
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:05,219
Well, I barely remember
those years.
191
00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:07,588
Peter and I have
three lovely kids.
192
00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:10,657
They're a lot happier since
you're allowed to be fat now.
193
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:14,061
Being a mom is the most
fulfilling job in the world.
194
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,196
Oh, do you have kids?
195
00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:17,564
Be careful how you answer this.
196
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:20,434
Oh, I wish I did,
but after medical school,
197
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:23,237
then a four-year residency,
a two-year specialty,
198
00:08:23,237 --> 00:08:26,139
three years in Central America
with Doctors Without Borders...
199
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:28,575
Okay. Well, I'm sure
all those achievements
200
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,644
will come visit you
when you're on your death bed.
201
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:33,680
Excuse me, some of
the other diners have complained
202
00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:35,315
that you're not talking
loudly enough.
203
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:38,151
They're loving these stories
about how she was a nerd.
204
00:08:38,252 --> 00:08:41,188
It was "prawn queen"!
Like the shrimp!
205
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,490
MAN:
Oh, that's even funnier!
206
00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:47,628
(chuckles) You know what?
207
00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:49,329
I feel sorry for Stephanie now.
208
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:52,199
Really? What part?
The good skin or the great job?
209
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,967
Oh, pfft. "Great job."
210
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,903
Anyone can be a doctor
in Ecuador.
211
00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:57,271
You think
they're checking diplomas?
212
00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:58,906
And she doesn't have any kids.
213
00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:01,175
Probably can't.
You know why? GMOs.
214
00:09:01,275 --> 00:09:03,143
Just gonna run this light
real quick.
215
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:05,312
- (engine revs)
- (horn honks)
216
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,446
Settle down.
217
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:08,415
I mean, I ate way better
than she was eating.
218
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:10,217
Did you see
I ordered a salad?
219
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:13,020
It was a wedge that was mostly
bleu cheese and bacon.
220
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,155
It was listed under "salad."
221
00:09:15,289 --> 00:09:17,791
But did you notice Stephanie
ordered french fries?
222
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:20,961
French fries, no kids,
you do the math.
223
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:24,131
Anyway, point is,
I won dinner.
224
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,367
- (horn honks)
- Settle down.
225
00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:31,038
I mean, you-you think
I won dinner, right, Peter?
226
00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:33,273
Well, you did eat
a lot faster than her.
227
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,509
And-and now that
I think about it,
228
00:09:35,509 --> 00:09:38,545
after she said I looked "good,"
she looked right at my hands.
229
00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:41,548
What does that mean? Age comes
out in the hands, Peter.
230
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:43,317
Maybe she's trying to figure out
how old I am!
231
00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:45,052
Well, but she knows
how old I am.
232
00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:48,021
(gasps) I bet she was judging
my tiny wedding ring.
233
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:49,957
Why was she looking
at my hands, Peter?!
234
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:51,792
I think your thumb was
in the butter.
235
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:53,060
But did she see that?
236
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,828
I don't know, but
nobody ate butter after that,
237
00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:56,363
so yeah, probably.
238
00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:59,666
I love that she had to ask
what "caprese" was.
239
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:01,335
What a dumb bitch.
240
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,337
What-What's going on
with your face?
241
00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,873
(laughs): I don't know
what you're talking about.
242
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:08,542
Maybe-maybe it's
a giant grin, huh?
243
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:11,612
From having triumphed
over my former bully!
244
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:14,815
There's a rash forming
on the back of your legs.
245
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:16,116
What? There is?
246
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:18,218
- (back cracks)
- Ah! Son of a bitch!
247
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:20,053
Lois, what the hell's
going on with you?
248
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:21,788
I don't know!
249
00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:23,357
I think seeing Stephanie
brought back
250
00:10:23,357 --> 00:10:25,592
one of my old junior high school
panic attacks.
251
00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:28,295
(gasping) Quick,
I have to do the only thing
252
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:29,663
that would calm me back then:
253
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:32,799
lie in a dark room
and try to blast Sarah McLachlan
254
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:35,035
but accidentally play
the wrong song.
255
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:39,740
♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪
256
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,275
♪ Everybody have... ♪
257
00:10:41,275 --> 00:10:44,344
Oh, phew, Lois seems
to be doing okay.
258
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:47,748
♪ Everybody Wang Chung tonight ♪
259
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:51,218
♪ Everybody have fun tonight. ♪
260
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:58,225
Have we ever been alone
in a room together before?
261
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:01,628
- So, Instagram update...
- We're talking!
262
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,130
The hacker contacted me.
263
00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:05,065
He's demanding $10,000!
264
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,934
I hear you're looking
to kill somebody.
265
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,902
What? No.
I'm just trying to find a guy
266
00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:10,103
who hacked my Instagram account.
267
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:11,438
I can also help with that.
268
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,874
I'm really good at
finding cyberbullies.
269
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:16,210
One time, I got
an anonymous tweet telling me
270
00:11:16,310 --> 00:11:19,713
to go kill myself and I tracked
the IP address to...
271
00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:20,881
- Chrissy Teigen.
- Chrissy Teigen?
272
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:22,749
Yeah, that's...
It's kind of her thing.
273
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,385
- I don't know
how you're gonna find... - That's in Russia.
274
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:27,521
(speaking Russian)
275
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,293
How do you know
how to speak Russian?
276
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,929
If you watch enough super dark
videos on the Internet,
277
00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:37,497
eventually
you're gonna learn Russian.
278
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:40,167
First, just the Russian words
for "please don't kill me,"
279
00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:42,503
but it's amazing how those
are really the building blocks
280
00:11:42,603 --> 00:11:44,037
of an entire language.
281
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:46,173
- German's very similar.
- And then I was able to make
282
00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:48,242
some friends
in a Russian AOL chatroom.
283
00:11:48,242 --> 00:11:50,477
You've got a whole
little life going on, huh?
284
00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:52,913
Can you figure out what city
this hacker lives in?
285
00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:54,781
Okay, I'm thinking
the big boys in Moscow
286
00:11:54,781 --> 00:11:56,283
are phishing in Europe.
287
00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:58,151
Russia has 11 time zones,
so if we triangulate
288
00:11:58,252 --> 00:12:00,621
the activity
through peak hours...
289
00:12:00,621 --> 00:12:01,855
Yup. Just what I thought.
290
00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:04,057
- Chelyabinsk.
- That was fast.
291
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,160
You got to move fast
in this world, bro.
292
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,396
So, are we gonna go
find this guy or what?
293
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,431
All right, looks like
we're going to Russia.
294
00:12:11,532 --> 00:12:14,434
Russia? We can't go there.
They're at war with Ukraine!
295
00:12:14,535 --> 00:12:17,337
- They are? Whoa, crazy.
- I say we do it.
296
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:19,406
We're really gonna go
to a country at war,
297
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:22,276
and we couldn't go to my
business meeting on Fire Island?
298
00:12:22,376 --> 00:12:26,880
- What business meeting?
- I sell bikini swimsuits for "men of size."
299
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,916
- You mean fat guys?
- No.
300
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:31,151
(laughs):
No, no, no, no, no, no.
301
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:44,031
Are you here
for business or displeasure?
302
00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:45,632
We're here to find
the hacker that...
303
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:47,301
Stole your Instagram, yes.
304
00:12:47,301 --> 00:12:49,670
Enjoy ten-square kilometer
of country
305
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:52,606
that don't make Geiger counter
go "beep, beep, beep."
306
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:54,441
- (beeping)
- Hey!
307
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,611
It's that way.
308
00:13:00,414 --> 00:13:03,350
And then Nurse Maguire
gave everyone a valentine
309
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:04,618
except for me.
310
00:13:04,718 --> 00:13:06,887
I want to be picked up now, Mom.
311
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,655
Fine, I'll see you at 4:00.
312
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:10,190
- (phone beeps)
- (sobs)
313
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,793
- What do you want?
- Dr. Hartman,
314
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:14,261
I have no idea what's going on.
315
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:17,097
I feel like I'm turning back
into my old teenage self,
316
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:19,266
and there's nothing
I can do about it.
317
00:13:19,266 --> 00:13:22,002
I see. Did you recently
run into an old bully
318
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,971
or were you tagged
in a very unflattering
319
00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,439
Throwback Thursday photo?
320
00:13:25,439 --> 00:13:29,176
I did. I ran into a girl who
terrorized me in junior high
321
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:31,879
and she used to call me
Scoli-Lois.
322
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:34,248
(laughs) Like "scoliosis."
That's very good.
323
00:13:34,248 --> 00:13:36,283
I just learned what that is
today, as a matter of fact.
324
00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:39,386
Dr. Hartman,
what's happening to me?
325
00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:41,688
Well, Mrs. Griffin,
I think you're suffering
326
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:43,490
from severe nerd damage.
327
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,292
I am? What's that?
328
00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:48,328
You see, all nerds are
one tossed-off joke away
329
00:13:48,462 --> 00:13:51,198
from reverting to their worst,
most humiliating selves.
330
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,700
But I don't want to be
a nerd forever.
331
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:56,103
Tell you what,
find the coolest guy in school
332
00:13:56,103 --> 00:13:57,771
and give him a tug
behind the bleachers.
333
00:13:57,771 --> 00:13:58,772
That usually solves it.
334
00:13:58,772 --> 00:14:00,374
Does that really work?
335
00:14:00,474 --> 00:14:01,909
I don't know.
336
00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:04,478
Why don't we go find out.
337
00:14:04,478 --> 00:14:07,514
♪ ♪
338
00:14:14,388 --> 00:14:16,256
Hey, you guys, this is exciting.
339
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:18,058
I'm reading about Chelyabinsk,
340
00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:19,159
and if it's not
too much trouble,
341
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:22,162
I'd love to swing by
Kuznetsov's tea-packing factory.
342
00:14:22,162 --> 00:14:24,131
It was built in 1898
343
00:14:24,131 --> 00:14:27,234
and briefly popularized
the phrase "Have a cup of Kuz."
344
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,336
- Yeah, I don't know.
- Oh, you're no fun.
345
00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:30,637
Meg? Cup of Kuz?
346
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:31,972
Come on,
we got to find this guy.
347
00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:34,074
Now, think like a hacker.
Where would he be?
348
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:37,311
Why don't we just follow
this giant ethernet cable?
349
00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:45,152
Did you know
Chelyabinsk is known
350
00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:47,421
as "the Chicago of the Urals?"
351
00:14:47,421 --> 00:14:50,524
I'm-I'm, like, pinching myself,
I'm that jazzed.
352
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,196
Let me handle this.
353
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:02,402
I sorry. I also conveniently
speak a little English.
354
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:05,138
Come in,
I explain over cup of Kuz.
355
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:08,909
Oh, jackpot! And you know
they're gonna have good Kuz.
356
00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:11,245
First, I must know,
is it true in America
357
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:14,147
there's a man named
Cedric who entertains?
358
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:16,283
- Uh, yeah.
- Wow.
359
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:19,653
So, Brian Griffin,
is this beautiful American wife?
360
00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:22,089
Me? No, I'm not married.
361
00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:24,291
You are like big
beautiful nesting doll
362
00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:26,193
that holds other dolls inside.
363
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,595
- You really mean that?
- Da.
364
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,130
You are the outside one
365
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:32,399
because it has to fit
all the other ones.
366
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:36,036
Aw, Meg, you're pretty
in this very ugly country.
367
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:38,539
Brian, I only stole account
because it made me feel
368
00:15:38,639 --> 00:15:42,109
like I was living happy American
life of big writer man.
369
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:43,844
He has five followers.
370
00:15:43,844 --> 00:15:46,280
I have nobody
and nothing to live for.
371
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,015
Well, you have to have
some family.
372
00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:49,449
No, they all burnt.
373
00:15:49,550 --> 00:15:51,185
At least you have
a place to call home.
374
00:15:51,285 --> 00:15:54,688
Nyet. My apartment also burnt.
This temporary.
375
00:15:54,688 --> 00:15:58,058
I lived in puddle for while
but sun dried up my house.
376
00:15:58,158 --> 00:16:01,495
I yell at sun, "Give it back!"
But it never does.
377
00:16:01,495 --> 00:16:05,999
That is why every day I wake up
and shoot single bullet at sun.
378
00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:08,602
That would actually make
a good Instagram.
379
00:16:08,702 --> 00:16:10,604
Post that every day.
380
00:16:10,604 --> 00:16:11,872
What? It would.
381
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:14,708
♪ ♪
382
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:17,444
I don't understand why
the man who can't go swimming
383
00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:18,412
has a pool party.
384
00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:21,248
Once the harness is fixed,
I can be lowered.
385
00:16:21,248 --> 00:16:23,350
Wasn't this
a great idea of Stephanie's?
386
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,986
After the dinner we had,
she told me all about the fun
387
00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:27,721
you guys used to have
at pool parties.
388
00:16:27,721 --> 00:16:29,957
Oh, okay, that's nice.
389
00:16:29,957 --> 00:16:31,692
Don't you think
it's a little strange
390
00:16:31,692 --> 00:16:33,560
that Stephanie would want
to have a pool party
391
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,163
when that's the very place
she humiliated me?
392
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:38,332
I-I'm sorry, Lois. There's a guy
here who's fatter than me,
393
00:16:38,332 --> 00:16:40,467
and I'm just checking out
his front-meats.
394
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:41,668
(sighs)
395
00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:44,738
Hey, Lois.
You're not going in?
396
00:16:44,738 --> 00:16:46,540
No, I'm covered in Differin gel.
397
00:16:46,540 --> 00:16:48,375
I can't go in the chlorine
or the sun.
398
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:50,344
- (grunts)
- Oh, sorry, Lois.
399
00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:53,013
I thought you were
the towel return bin.
400
00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:55,516
Well, if you need anything,
I'll be over there
401
00:16:55,516 --> 00:16:58,552
playing generic backyard party
football with your husband.
402
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:02,523
I can play, too.
403
00:17:02,623 --> 00:17:04,157
(grunts)
404
00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:06,527
As soon as I unclasp
my hernia girdle.
405
00:17:06,660 --> 00:17:07,928
Aah!
406
00:17:07,928 --> 00:17:09,963
(gargling, gasping)
407
00:17:09,963 --> 00:17:12,032
(coughing)
408
00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:14,501
You pushed me!
She pushed me!
409
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:15,802
Lois, let me help.
410
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,704
Oh, you can drop the act, Stephanie.
411
00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:20,274
You may have won everyone over,
but you're nothing more
412
00:17:20,274 --> 00:17:21,875
than a mean girl and a bully,
413
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:23,610
just like you were
in junior high.
414
00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:27,748
But karma comes in many forms,
including stretch marks.
415
00:17:27,748 --> 00:17:29,550
- We all see them!
- I don't see them.
416
00:17:29,550 --> 00:17:31,718
BOTH: Above the knee
on her left thigh.
417
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,053
You pushed me now,
418
00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:35,189
just like you pushed me
back in junior high.
419
00:17:35,189 --> 00:17:37,124
Lois, I never pushed you.
420
00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:38,926
I was trying to help you.
421
00:17:39,026 --> 00:17:41,395
I was always trying to help you.
422
00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:50,003
Hey, Lois, watch your step!
423
00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:52,072
- Your shoe's untied.
- Aah!
424
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,976
And what about just now?
425
00:17:55,976 --> 00:17:57,644
You got an excuse for that?
426
00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:58,779
Well, yes.
427
00:17:58,879 --> 00:18:01,448
I was trying to catch a football
thrown by your husband.
428
00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:03,150
I wasn't trying
to complete the pass.
429
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:04,551
I was just trying
to show the other wives
430
00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:05,586
how far I can throw it.
431
00:18:05,686 --> 00:18:08,856
So, this whole time
you never bullied me?
432
00:18:08,856 --> 00:18:12,092
No. I always admired
how you persevered
433
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:13,527
through all these burdens.
434
00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:16,230
In fact, you inspired me
to start my own foundation
435
00:18:16,230 --> 00:18:18,065
for kids with scoliosis.
436
00:18:18,065 --> 00:18:21,335
This year, we have
50 Scoli-Lois scholars.
437
00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:25,138
- Fifty?
- Yes, all in your honor.
438
00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:28,108
Oh, I'm sorry, Stephanie.
I-I guess I was wrong.
439
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:31,879
All right! That means it's
your turn to service me in bed.
440
00:18:31,879 --> 00:18:33,881
No, Peter, that's only
when I'm wrong
441
00:18:33,881 --> 00:18:35,716
about something having
to do with you.
442
00:18:35,716 --> 00:18:37,718
Chris, don't let anyone
touch my cake.
443
00:18:37,718 --> 00:18:38,952
I'll be back in ten minutes.
444
00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,388
Hi, Lois' friends!
445
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:45,759
Well, you ready
to head home, Stewie?
446
00:18:45,759 --> 00:18:47,060
What's that, Brian?
447
00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:49,730
Sorry, I'm muling
quite a bit of Kuz right now.
448
00:18:49,730 --> 00:18:51,265
Where's your stuff?
449
00:18:51,265 --> 00:18:53,567
Brian, we came here
to find your account
450
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:56,737
but found something
much more valuable:
451
00:18:56,870 --> 00:18:58,038
my happiness.
452
00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:00,073
Yeah, le-let me be
the writer, Meg.
453
00:19:00,073 --> 00:19:01,775
I can't go back home.
454
00:19:01,775 --> 00:19:04,011
What?
You're staying in Russia?
455
00:19:04,011 --> 00:19:06,613
This is a country where
female body hair is encouraged,
456
00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:09,550
where I can eat root vegetables
straight from the ground
457
00:19:09,550 --> 00:19:12,886
without being placed under
an involuntary psychiatric hold.
458
00:19:12,886 --> 00:19:15,422
Last night,
when Ivan made love to me...
459
00:19:15,422 --> 00:19:16,690
- Aah, no, no, no.
- Uh, please, please stop.
460
00:19:16,790 --> 00:19:17,591
- Nope, nope, nope.
- Stop, stop.
461
00:19:17,691 --> 00:19:19,493
He said,
(Russian accent): "Meg Griffin,
462
00:19:19,493 --> 00:19:22,029
you have strong haunches
like horse."
463
00:19:22,029 --> 00:19:23,897
(regular accent):
How sweet is that?
464
00:19:23,897 --> 00:19:26,133
I'm an eight in Russia, Brian.
465
00:19:26,133 --> 00:19:27,601
I'm staying here.
466
00:19:27,701 --> 00:19:29,870
Well, okay.
467
00:19:29,970 --> 00:19:32,039
But we're truly gonna miss you.
468
00:19:32,139 --> 00:19:35,242
And if this really is
the end of our time together,
469
00:19:35,242 --> 00:19:37,911
we probably ought to tally up
expenses from the trip.
470
00:19:37,911 --> 00:19:40,414
Oh, um, okay.
471
00:19:40,514 --> 00:19:42,349
Yeah, I bought that magazine
at the airport,
472
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,251
so let's put that
in the "group" column.
473
00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:46,019
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
- Yeah, no,
474
00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:47,921
airport purchases,
we said, were all together.
475
00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:49,122
You're the only one
who read that.
476
00:19:49,122 --> 00:19:50,424
It goes in the "Brian" column.
477
00:19:50,424 --> 00:19:52,159
You read the cover.
You commented on it.
478
00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:55,095
All I said was, "When did
Miles Teller get so jacked?"
479
00:19:55,095 --> 00:19:56,997
- Yeah. That's reading.
- That's not reading.
480
00:19:56,997 --> 00:19:59,032
That's just looking at a picture
and commenting.
481
00:19:59,132 --> 00:20:00,767
So you're saying
the words "Miles Teller"
482
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:01,969
were not on the cover?
483
00:20:01,969 --> 00:20:03,704
Oh, okay, well,
when I bought my Clif Bar,
484
00:20:03,804 --> 00:20:06,907
you said, "Mmm, peanut butter
and chocolate, looks good."
485
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,009
Sounds like
a group expense to me.
486
00:20:09,009 --> 00:20:10,611
No way. Meg, wouldn't you
call that a personal...
487
00:20:10,611 --> 00:20:12,546
- Uhp, she's gone.
- Yep.
488
00:20:12,546 --> 00:20:14,548
Guess we're covering
her neck pillow, huh?
489
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,090
Oh, gang, we got
another postcard from Meg.
490
00:20:23,090 --> 00:20:25,192
"Dear Mom and Dad,
491
00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:27,861
"I've contracted rinderpest,
492
00:20:27,861 --> 00:20:29,997
"also known as cattle plague,
493
00:20:29,997 --> 00:20:32,499
"which has been eradicated
from most of the world,
494
00:20:32,633 --> 00:20:34,168
"except from here.
495
00:20:34,168 --> 00:20:36,870
They say I'm a local now,
ha-ha."
496
00:20:36,970 --> 00:20:39,339
Aw, I'm just glad
she's having fun.
497
00:20:39,473 --> 00:20:40,674
Yeah, and thank God
498
00:20:40,674 --> 00:20:42,643
everything worked out
between me and Stephanie,
499
00:20:42,643 --> 00:20:45,879
so I can finally put all that
middle school baggage behind me.
500
00:20:45,979 --> 00:20:47,414
And maybe I can start putting
501
00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:49,683
some of my other baggage
behind me.
502
00:20:49,683 --> 00:20:52,019
Peter, we need to talk.
503
00:20:52,019 --> 00:20:53,420
I think this relationship has...
504
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:55,923
If you leave me
I will kill myself.
505
00:20:55,923 --> 00:20:57,491
(sighs)
506
00:20:58,825 --> 00:21:00,594
I love us.
507
00:21:00,644 --> 00:21:05,194
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