Original subtitles

Thanks for coming, Artie.

Well listen, man. I worry about you too. What's going on ?

- I'm kinda freaking out. - You are ?

About the, you know, the roast. It's not my natural habitat to be...

Funny ? I mean, yeah.

To be mean. See, no, but that's good. That's why I wanna talk to you.

I wanna see if I can... I'm trying to be mean,

and I thought I could run some by you.

I can't help you with roast jokes.

I'm a judge on the same show, you know that.

I have a code of ethics, despite what you might think. I really do.

I know. I'm not asking for you to write jokes for me.

Yes, you are. That's what you're asking.

Just a sounding board.

Honestly, you're gonna be fine. I'm serious.

You just need a little ammo going in. You're better at this than you think.

You need fat guy stuff, ugly guy stuff, gay stuff,

fat ugly gay stuff.

All the word... I don't wanna call somebody fat,

somebody I don't even know. Somebody ugly.

- So ? - It's just not... it doesn't feel good.

The only part of a roast that I like is when you say the nice parts at the end.

- Oh, okay. - Maybe I'll just do that.

Right. I didn't know I was having brunch with Michael Landon.

If this freaks you out so much, why are you even doing it ?

Well, Ali's doing it and I wanted to show her that I could do it too.

She thinks I'm like a fluffy butterfly man, that has no spine.

She doesn't think I have any grit. I want to do good for her.

You have to do this for yourself. You gotta get at the jugular vein with this.

You know, honestly, you know what happened to me once ?

I was on a deus with Rich Vos, and he said this about me.

He said, "The worst thing about 911 was Artie Lange lives in New Jersey."

If I said that, I wouldn't sleep for a week.

If you said that, you might have a development deal.

I don't like being mean.

CRASHING

Season II, episode 8

Battle ! Battle ! Battle ! Battle !

You know Mike Lawrence. You're a really good writer.

I've always love your writing,

especially all that stuff you do on cardboards at red lights.

Sarah is like a good breakfast. She's got pancake tits,

a butter face, and a limited supply of eggs.

Mike, you have such a beach body,

and by that I mean the body of somebody that's been murdered

and washes up on the shore.

Sarah's from Georgia. You know, it's been tough for her finding a man.

She just can't seem to find Mr. Alt Right.

Are you nervous ?

- I'm freaking out. - Okay. Just get a drink.

Yeah, maybe I will. Who's your first battler, do you know ?

Oh, Damien Lemon. I think he's... Oh, yeah, he's right over there.

He looks, you know, he doesn't look, you know, too mean.

- Maybe I'll get a Pino Grig. - Feels appropriate.

Whatever's fresh. Chard.

Hey, sorry. They're almost done upstairs.

- You're next, all right ? - Cool.

Man, Matteo called me Cedric the Entertainer.

Knocked me right out. Fucking twerp. I don't look like him.

- No. - I don't think you do.

- At least you can relax now. - Relax ? You don't want $5,000 ?

Well, yeah, of course, but, you know, whew. You're done.

- I'm Pete. We haven't met. - That's Pete.

- Hey, Pete. - I'm Ali's boyfriend.

This is your boyfriend ? He's straight ?

You look like you coach girl's field hockey.

You look like Heman's flabby brother, Heflab.

Everybody's still in roast mode.

You look like you're the mascot for soup.

How much food for winter are you storing in your neck ?

Girl, fuck me instead. I got a bigger dick than he does.

I'm on fire ! Let me roast you next time. You suck.

All right. I'm gonna get a drink.

You'll do great.

It looks like we found Waldo, you guys. In a ditch.

Yeah. I was lying next to your career.

That was a blood bath. Artie, who do you like in this one ?

In honor of everyone in Jersey, I'm going with the broad.

Good job, Sarah.

Beth Stelling ?

Sarah blink twice if this is actually a hostage situation.

Listen, never side with the victim, so I'm going with Mike.

Whoo, tied up, Jeff. Who do you like ?

Well, you both had some great jokes. You both killed. This is tricky.

Sarah's from the south,

but Mike looks like the Confederate General she named her cat after.

I think Mike squeaked this one out. Congrats, Unibomber !

That's Mike Lawrence !

That brings us to our next challengers.

She's a left-leaning Jew, his dad left when he was two.

It's Black Lives Matter versus Stepford Wives.

Make it loud for Damien Lemon and Ali Reissen !

Battlers, are we ready ?

Oh, yeah. I mean, I think this is gonna be a fair battle,

because even though I have more experience roasting,

Damien has more experience speaking in front of judges, so...

Here here.

Speaking of judges, this is the closest I've felt like O.J. Simpson,

because I'm about to murder this white bitch and walk off scot free.

All right, save that heat. Who wants to go first ?

- Ladies first. - I totally agree. Damien...

Damien, you're up. Let's roast !

Roast ! Roast ! Roast ! Roast !

Ali, I'm on MTV.

I think you should be too, you know ? You got the body of a Teen Mom,

you got the face of a Catfish and your pussy is Wild N' Out.

Wild N ! Wild N !

That joke was weaker than Damien's credit score.

Now listen, it's true Damien,

you book a lot of roles even though you're a shitty actor.

Before each take, the director has to yell, "Affirmative Action !"

Ali, you look like white privilege had an HR department.

Damien, you look like a black ghost that haunts barber shops.

Ali, you're name is beautiful, you know ?

Your parents named you after the place you were conceived.

Hey, Tony. Pete Holmes. We're roasting each other.

Have you done this before ?

I'd rather not talk.

Excuse me ?

It's just anything I say could be something that you use against me.

Oh, no. I already wrote my jokes. They're not even that mean.

Are yours ?

Serious. Truce, you know. We can just shoot the breeze.

See ? Now I know you say things like "shoot the breeze"

and that you have really soft hands.

They're sweaty too.

Ali, you had some great jokes, super hilarious. You got my vote.

Thank you.

- Beth Stelling, who do you like ? - I pick Ali !

Ali wins ! Hug each other !

- Peter ! - Ah, what ? Hi !

Hey, man, sorry we're late. Did we miss anything ?

No. What ? What are you doing here ?

We came here to support you, brother.

Yeah. Leif saw it on your Instagram.

And, frankly, I couldn't imagine you roasting anyone, so...

Yeah. Yep. You never used to come to my shows,

so it's a little bit, you know, it's jarring to see you.

- I'm being supportive. - Yeah, thank you.

Thank you both. Why don't we see if...

- Hey, who's this ? - Hey, man, I'm Leif. This is Jess.

Are you competing too ?

Yeah. Pete and I are roasting each other.

Oh, boy. Careful though, 'cause he looks really sweet, but he's not.

He practices his roasting on me all the time.

- I see. And who are you exactly ? - Well, it's a short, fun cool story.

I don't really think that's a fun story. Not for the guy who's roasting me.

- Well, we're intertwined. - We were married.

- No... - Yeah. Now we're roommates.

- No. Stop that. - We were. It's not a big deal.

- He's our friend. - This is world's colliding.

We're one galaxy though, Peter. It's the same galaxy.

It doesn't matter now.

Why don't we see if there's seats figured out.

Good to see you. Come on.

- Hey good luck ! - Good to meet you guys.

Tony Hinchcliffe looks like a school boy,

and Pete Holmes looks homeschooled.

Make it loud for Pete Holmes and Tony Hinchcliffe.

- Are you ready to do this, gentlemen ? - Yes.

Yeah. I met Pete hefore the show.

His hand's so clammy that he doesn't masturbate,

he just waterboards his own dick.

- Are we starting ? - Yes.

I thought you had to say let's roast everybody.

Well, you could be funny any time you want, Pete.

There's a microphone in front of you.

I'd like to play by the rules.

Okay, good. Good intro. Who wants to go first ?

Let Pete go first. He has to get back to being the Muppet

that's gonna gentrify Sesame Street.

I don't mind going first.

Unlike all the women here, I don't mind if Tony follows me.

Soft jab. Pete, Tony, let's roast !

Hey, Tony. Why the extreme long face ?

Is that it ?

Yeah. You look forlorn.

Pete is somehow both creepy and non-threatening.

He's like the blonde mustache on a paraplegic man.

Tony Hinchcliffe, you look like Tony Robbins,

and simultaneously someone who desperately needs

the help of Tony Robbins.

Pete looks like if someone put all of Donald Trump's sons

in a microwave at the same time.

Yeah !

Tony, uh, Tony looks like he's hiding the fact

that he got bit by a zombie four hours ago.

Pete's career is a lot like his ex-wife's pussy.

They're both gonna be opening for losers for the rest of their lives.

Too soon.

What ? It's funny.

Pete, last joke.

Tony, you're so thin and white,

I'm only standing here to make sure Artie doesn't snort you.

That was incredible. Judges, what do we think about this one ?

Dude, what the fuck was that ? You were so nice off stage.

Yeah. When'd you grow some balls ?

Seriously. I mean, look at him. He looks like a priest.

That makes sense actually because he just fucked this little boy.

- Pete, this is your first battle ever ? - Yeah.

I mean, it was a close one, but the Tony Robbins joke,

the cocaine thing at the end, the zombie joke.

You killed it, buddy. Congratulations. You're moving on.

His first battle ! His first win ! Pete Holmes !

Pete, moving onto round two to face Ali Reissen.

I can't believe you beat Tony. Holy shit.

I don't... It didn't feel good. I felt like...

- Hey. - Hi !

- You did so great. - Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God. That was amazing. What was that ?

I don't know. Do you have Toni's email ? I don't want to...

Are you kidding me right now ? You want to email him ?

You won fair and square. Let him lick his wounds.

Besides, you get to go against moi.

- You two are roasting each other ? - Yeah.

- Oh, my God. - I have nothing.

You're fine. What do you mean you have nothing ? It's gonna be so fun.

I didn't think I'd get this far.

And now, I think the judges are gonna destroy me.

If any of the judges fuck with you,

you just tell Jeff Ross he looks like somebody skinned a penis.

That's funny.

- Can I have that ? - Of course !

- I can have that. - Absolutely.

Keep it loose. This is fun, okay ?

All right. I have to look over these jokes.

What do you... is that for me ?

Maybe. You still kiss your mom on the lips, right ?

That's kind of what I'm working with.

- It's gonna be good. See you later. - Bye.

She seems pretty pumped. I hope you actually have jokes.

I got nothing. I don't know if I can do this.

- Why ? - Why ? Because she's my girlfriend.

I don' wanna roast my girlfriend.

If you say something mean to her, you're treating her like an equal.

That's what you're supposed to do. She's a peer.

I'm protective of my peer.

I want her to be good and safe and whole and complete,

not called some ugly bitch.

I got nothing.

If you really love her,

then you gotta get up there and you shit all over her.

Oh, boy.

Yes ! I love this show.

I love hatred. I love this show.

I just wanna say, you know, have fun.

And my middle name is Benedict.

I don't know if you knew, but that might be something.

I don't need help. I have plenty.

I'm excited for this next battle, because these two comics are dating.

- I didn't know that. Did you ? - I didn't.

Who's ready to see a live domestic dispute ?

Who wants to see a blood bath !

Let's bring 'em out ! Pete Holmes ! Ali Reissen !

Roast ! Roast ! Roast ! Roast !

Let's roast !

- Guys, it's so good to be here. - Ooh, boy.

Well, obviously, you can see that Pete looks like a sweet Golden Retriever.

He's also like that in the bedroom.

It's true, he is. When he goes down on me, he slobbers so much

that the only way I can cum is if I'm like, babe, go fetch my vibrator.

Brutal. Brutal. At least you're getting laid, babe.

Oh, Jeff. You looked like somebody skinned a penis.

Oh, also Pete sits down to pee. It's fine. Yeah.

No, you do. It's not even a joke.

I think he sits down 'cause it's easier to put the tampons in that way.

I'm sorry. I feel like we need a safe word or something, if this...

No, no, no. You're right. You're right.

The safe word should be stop being a fucking pussy.

Come on, one joke at a time. The rules. Pete goes.

Um, I'm not the first comedian that Ali has been with.

In fact, her list of former lovers reads like an open mic sigup sheet.

Which makes sense 'cause the only thing you need to get on her

is to buy her two drinks.

Two drink minimum !

Two drink minimum !

Pete is a Christian comic, obviously.

And he really abides by the commandment when he's on stage,

thou shalt not kill.

Newsflash, Pete, Jesus isn't coming back, and neither is your wife.

That's right. They both got nailed and are in a better place.

Pete go ! Pete, go, Pete ! Come on !

Ali, it's hard to make fun of you

because you already have body dysmorphia,

which means, Artie, that she thinks she's fat.

I always have to reassure her. Baby, you're not fat, you're stupid.

Pete has a lot of moles on his face. A lot of moles.

But they're not cancerous, they're completely benign, just like his act.

She thinks she has cellulite.

I always reassure here that's not celulite, that's acne scarring.

Well, I mean, it's true. I thought about having plastic surgery,

but I don't really think there's a need for, like, Botox,

because the poison that I put in my body is Pete.

Ali, I'm so happy to see you finally acting like your vagina on stage,

so comfortable and loose.

Pete, your ex-wife called.

She said she's really sorry about cheating on you.

At least I think that's what she said. I couldn't hear her

because she had so much cock in her mouth.

Last joke of the battle.

Ali, you did great tonight. You did really, really great.

Really, really funny. Not really.

I haven't seen someone choke this hard since I sucked on your nipple hair.

Ali's right nipple is so hairy...

She named the left one end the Hendersons.

Wow, you two ! Really.

What do we think about that one ? Beth ?

Wow, Pete. You were like Jesus.

You died and then three jokes later rose again.

Artie Lange, who do you like ?

I don't know. I like Pete,

but I don't want him back on my fucking couch to tell you the truth.

So it's a dilemma. I gotta give it to Ali.

Tied up, Jeff. Who do you wanna see win this thing ?

Well, first of all, this was the best battle of the night for me,

so give it up for these two. You killed it.

Vicious.

Ali, you had some killers. It got super personal,

but Pete, you really went for the jugular today,

and I'm proud of you, buddy. You got my vote.

Pete Holmes is the winner !

Pete's gonna face Mike Lawrence in the finals.

Yeah !

Hey, whoa, congrats, Pete.

- Yeah. That was so awesome... - Thanks.

Excuse... I'm sorry. I have to find Ali. Excuse me.

Hi, you were incredible.

That was incredible ! Oh, my God.

The back and forth. Whoo ! It was like rough sex.

- I... yeah. - In a good way.

You are sexy when you're mean.

- Ali... - What ?

You just used a lot of stuff that I told you,

private stuff, in confidence, against me. You just...

- Pete. - You totally sold me out. You didn't...

You did the same thing to me. It's a roast battle.

I did it you because you did it to me. I was just...

What is this ? I know you are but what am I ? What are you talking about ?

I didn't... it didn't feel the same. I was retaliating.

I followed your lead, you know ? I didn't even write most of that.

I'm just scrambling to think of mean shit to say to keep up.

That's even worse. Then you were just speaking from the heart.

I just... I didn't want to throw you under the bus.

I don't care. I'm fine.

I didn't want you to throw me under the bus.

I thought we had different rules than Damien Lemon. I thought...

What kind of comedian can't take a joke ?

Are you even a comedian ?

Fuck you. That's what you say to me right now ?

- I'm not Tony Hinchcliffe. - No !

- We have an alliance, and you just... - No when we're on stage performing.

What do you want me to do, go up there and be like,

oh, Pete's a great guy.

No laughs. Like, that doesn't make sense.

I don't think you had to say that my wife had cock in her mouth or...

She did ! It's funny !

I don't know how I walk away from that and just forget that you said it.

I'm just gonna delete the memory of that ?

You wanna go to to dinner tomorrow and act like you didn't say that shit ?

- Yes ! - That you want my moles...

What do you think, I'm sitting here obsessing about my cellulite ?

- I mean, get over yourself. - Great.

You're just as selfish and fucked up and mean as everybody around you.

They just have the balls to say that they have those qualities,

while you act like you're better than everybody.

You're afraid of God, so you hide your feelings.

I don't wanna date.

I'm sorry.

- I just... - This is good. No, this good.

How is that good ? I...

'Cause I don't want to be with someone who doesn't fucking know who they are.

Pete, they're ready for you.

I'm with... I'm against Mike Lawrence. I have to...

Oh, yeah. Go be nice.

Pete is the first person to have a stepdad body.

Pete, you Pillsbury dough adult.

The only difference between you and white bread

is that white bread has less carbs.

He looks like he was kicked out of the Mormon church

for not being cool enough.

The only adventure Pete's ever been on was trying Chipotle.

Your comedy is like inversion therapy. It's not working for you.

Okay, Pete. I just wanted to do a quick assessment of the vehicle

before I give you the keys.

I would highly recommend getting second party insurance

in the event that you have an incident with another vehicle.

- So... - Yeah. Whatever you recommend.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Hi. I'm a little turned around.

I'm looking for Bundt... Bundt Cafeteria.

- It's the hill to the left. - Thanks.

I'm competing with steamed vegetables,

serving up hot and fresh jokes, and also broccoli.

There's also broccoli in there today.

It's kind of weird, I don't have any kids,

but doesn't it kind of feel like I do ?

Like, don't I kind of feel already like a dorky dad,

just like a fun dad at a barbecue.

Just like, ho, ho, ho, Fresca.

Handing frescas to children. I'm kind of intimated.

You guys are younger than me, but some of you have beards.

I can't grow a beard. I haven't shaved in weeks.

That's real. This is what happens. Nothing.

Which isn't really a problem unless,

sometimes I think what happens if I'm stranded on a desert island

and I have to live there for like six years.

It's been an hour. You can stop whenever.

Okay, thank you.

Oh, I'll do a little bit more if that's okay.

You know, If I'm on a deserted island for six years,

the rescue chopper's gonna come, I'm gonna come out baby face,

loin cloth, and look like a guy who's been there 15 minutes.

Just could't wait to wear a loin cloth.

Rescue me !

End of episode 8